I'm just a little into a new job. At that point where all the introductions have been made and it's time to start performing. And I keep finding myself having these moments reflecting on a situation as a comparison to how it would have happened at the previous. And while it's not perfect now it is so much better than it was. Which then pisses me off as I think of how bad it was knowing it didn't have to be. That spirals into what could I have done which is a horrible place. I eventually realize this and pull myself out. Until something else triggers it.

I'm very aware of this, and now see it as not just going away like I wish it would because things are better now. But I'm also just waiting for the same shit to start here. Because you know... Eventually...

But right here and now or right before I started typing this at least I realized this can affect my performance and I need to do something about it. This post is not enough.


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Big PEMFin H & z's
"I ain't no entertainer, and ain't trying to be one. I am 1 thing, a musician." � Miles

"When the music stops he falls back in the abyss."

I'm a father of 3 kids, one of which went through some shit years back. I'm also the only earner. So I have no regrets because for real I will do any fucking thing for my family. And it's that logic that had me endure so much bullshit. For the family. Now that it's in the past though it's just crazy because again I would do any fucking thing for the fam, but I can't believe some of the shit I had to do. There were a few people that needed to get punched in the fucking mouth. It feels stupid to say it, but you know violators should get punched in the fucking mouth. And there were way too many violators.

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Big PEMFin H & z's
"I ain't no entertainer, and ain't trying to be one. I am 1 thing, a musician." � Miles

"When the music stops he falls back in the abyss."

during the day i was a counselor at a girls youth home
during the night i was a dj at a strip club

had to go to therapy

______________________________________

Navem nu, cuando sol
Tutu nu, vondo nos nu
Vita em, no continous non
Nos nu ekta nos sepe ta, amen

When the sun shades the ship
We sweat and life is not safe
To swim or to touch not
When we unite we hedge amen

Long and short: I had a new manager come into a job where I had been for 5 years, decided they hated me because...well, I honestly think they had A LOT of personal shit going in their life and they brought that stress and insecurity into the office...anyways, manager was obviously trying to get me fired which is bad enough, but i found out that HR was basically helping her (which really blew me away because my job has ZERO effect on how HR does theirs or really how well the company performed) but what really broke my heart was the Director who was the boss of this manager (and also, my boss though not direct) was someone I considered a friend but he had no backbone so he basically let all this shit go down while telling me different because, i think, he just didn't wanna rock the boat cuz he wasn't doing great in his own position at the time and didn't want eyes on him more than they were.

and yes, I eventually got fired through these intentional actions.

Now I trust NO ONE at a job, which is probably smart, but I never had that feeling and while in the grand scheme of the world it's miniscule, for me it was like an "innocence lost" kind of situation.

it's weird to think of how much was tolerated in a miserable situation.... and the epiphany of realizing just how F'd up ish was and that it's not supposed to and doesn't have to be like that...

but it's the same thing right.. the breadwinners duty just made me endure and blind myself to how ridiculously hostile and awful things were.. you know.. "this is work, it's miserable but it must be done and boy am I glad I have work"

but then you look back from a more reasonable place and realize.. "man that was some serious bullshit and I shouldn't have ever put up with it."

I remember reaching out to a co-worker and telling them about it too "It doesn't have to be like that. I see clearly now from the other side. Get out!!!"

posting about it is not enough but you're already doing some productive shit.

the fact that anger - not fear - seems to be your most prominent emotion is good.

it also means it's not likely PTSD - altho probably should be addressed similarly.

what you're doing that's productive is identifying the cues - or triggers to your fear/anxiety.

rethinking those things in the context of the new job (vs. the old one) is healthy, as you said (thus far anyway) things are better now.

obviously you don't want to end up punching anyone at your new workplace in the face, altho it sounds appropriate for some at your old j-o-b.

continuing to identify your triggers will be helpful in not allowing you to get to the "breaking point" where you act without thinking.

most helpful tho - is if you can pair the experience of those triggers with something calming or relaxing.

you can do this on an imaginal/visualizing level by thinking of calming scenes or events, or about things that make you happy (e.g., in your case it sounds like fam, etc).

you can also do this on a more experiential/physiological level by engaging in relaxation strategies like deep (diaphragmatic) breathing; or progressive muscle relaxation.

the former is easier to do while at your job, as it is pretty inconspicuous; while the latter is more obtrusive, but also may be more effective.

you can also do the latter pretty effectively with a quick "break" (maybe a trip to the bathroom?).

it's also pretty useful for getting ready to face your triggers (i.e., go to work) by doing it beforehand and setting your mind/mood/body for the impending grind.

either way it sounds like you're off to a good start by identifying your triggers.

your responses -- emotional and physical -- are consistent with general anxiety which is really just anticipatory fear.

your old job "conditioned" you this way, but hopefully with a healthier work environment, and some continued work, you'll "uncondition" yourself.

good luck...

... so really I consider this "2nd" job my first true job experience coming out of college. I was there almost 7 years and it was absolute *misery* the entire time for a number of reasons. Most of the misery can be boiled down to this job being a very Office Space-esque situation, where no matter how well I performed or how much I felt I was proving myself more than capable of doing the job, I still always had 8-10 people breathing down my neck about every single decision I made and every project I submitted. It was *brutal*.

It was also the type of environment where you'd hear about it if you were 2 minutes over an hour at lunch. No joke. They'd pretend they were just busting balls but it was clear they were serious about watching your every move.

I've had two jobs since then and yes - the PTSD is really real, but it subsides quickly. I still think about that first job, but after like two months at my last job (the one I had after the miserable job), I think about it in this context: if something at my last job or my current job comes up that seems like something I should be pissed about or complain about, I immediately frame it w/the perspective of what I experienced @ that 1st job, and only *then* do I decide whether or not the current situation is worth escalating or bitching about vocally.

So while the first job was absolutely terrible, it paid well and was a stepping stone to where I am now and where I can go in the future, which in some twisted way I'm pretty thankful for. But probably more importantly, it also offers me that important perspective mentioned above, something I'm not sure that everyone has. For example there are colleagues @ my current job who complain a lot. And all the while I'm thinking, "you have no idea how good you have it." Haha.

Anyway - like I said, as someone who experienced something very similar to what you seem to be experiencing/what you describe, it doesn't take long to realize how much better your current situation is than your last one was. (That's obviously assuming your new situation *is*, in fact, better. So the PTSD, at least for me, subsided quickly. And assuming this new gig is as you describe, it should for you, too. And you'll have unique perspective going forward.

Good luck to you.

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"Fuck aliens." © WarriorPoet415

Yeah, Jesus Christ puts things in perspective as well, a Savior to lean on for hope in the midst to develop a long-range "things can unfold in unexpected ways" view.

Thinking things "have" to go/unfold in "set" ways is the pitfall.

Praying - speaking victory, etc.

was my 2nd major career advancement...

Small 7 man consulting firm specializing in architectural litigation & building science consulting.

Owner was a semi-closeted mid-50's white gay architect with "peculiar" personality traits...

Owner's assistant was early 30's, white, out, loud and proud gay male with a somewhat "dark" personality...he handled EVERYTHING for the owner...financials, IT, personal affairs, hiring, etc...

People either loved or hated the owner...but he'd been in biz for 30+ years, and was respected and had a good track record in the courts and in finding screwed up existing construction and zero'ing in on screwed up designs.... but when people hated him..they HATED him and he loved to needle people that he knew hated him.. and he held grudges...long grudges...

2-3 years in...assistant went through some personal shit with his partner (from what I suspected anyways) ended up committing suicide... We all came into the office one day to a frantic owner talking about he was worried because he handn't heard from assistant that day.. won't go into details...let's just say it was a LONG trying day at work that day...end result involved the whole office of (now 6 men)sitting in the lobby of the assistant's undisclosed "secret" apartment building while police and the owner were upstairs in the apartment confirming the identity of the deceased...
to this day..don't know HOW the owner knew something was up 1st thing in the morning
HOW the owner knew where this secret apartment was and where to go look for assistant
WHY the owner maintained (and likely still does) that the assistant was murdered and NOT a suicide.

As the shit evolved in the following weeks and months...was revealed that the assistant was siphoning funds into a separate account, skimming money and just not really keeping up with the books in the way the owner expected. This lead to MAJOR distrust with EVERYONE in the office to the point that we legit accused each of us of being involved with the assistants schemes..

The guy that brought me in eventually rolled out (mind you, this was the SECOND time he'd come to work for the guy over the past 20+ years)..I followed suit a few months after (to my current position where I hope to retire from). On my way out, dude further accused me of stealing "trade secrets" from him because he was tracking my computer and monitoring my web usage. (I'd frequently clean my browsing history and use logging blocking software) Incidentally, he also inquired about what Okayplayer was and why I spend so much time on that particular website...he thought it was gambling smh... On my way out he wanted me to sign a Non Compete agreement. I didn't and spent at least 2 years turning down freelance work from clients that liked me but hated him and what he'd become...

Owner also ended up suing the guy that'd brought me in saying that he'd broken THEIR non-compete agreement... I think they're still wrapped up in the shit (it's now been 10 years).

To this day...when I take on clients in my side biz i'm super selective. I don't even maintain a website for my business because of fear of him coming after me.....

So then job security became my number one concern. which has lead to me being in the same Company for 12 years. I got a good gig that lets me do other things but I wish I was slightly more adventurous about job hunting but I am big on the devil you know.


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"Everyone has a plan until you punch them in the face. Then they don't have a plan anymore." (c) Mike Tyson

"what's a leader if he isn't reluctant"

Some of the work I was doing was just so dark and made me feel hopeless. I went to therapy and it helped tremendously. I ended up changing careers and I’m much happier now. I learned that I can’t advocate for everyone at the expense of my own health and that race work should be done as a collective. I still have some moments where I take on too much, but I don’t allow myself to become isolated like I did before.

almost every lawyer I know is reeeeeally on one.

my wife was a corporate lawyer.

I work in a law firm.

People think it's like TV show, like suits, come into the office looking sexy AF in a suit and flirt with the secretary

it's a damn grind.

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https://soundcloud.com/swageyph/yph-die-with-me

Been accussed of bullshit and straight-up lied about. One boss was firing people, and when my turn came my Black-n-Mild suddenly turned into me smoking blunts at work. Wood tip blunts man???

Same dude (in a company meeting) said "flipnile, you look like you want to punch me in the face right now." I was just making eye contact since he was speaking, smh. I've had this happen at several jobs btw. Dudes (usually white dudes close to my age) becoming intimidated by eye contact. I was taught that it's disrespectful *not* to look someone in the eys when they are speaking, so that weird passive-aggressive office culture doesn't work for me.

One manager (different job) puuled me into a conferece room about a file missing on a server. First sentence I tild him I probably deleted it by accident an when working on something else, and I'll put it back up. Probably what really happened. Seems straight-forward, right? Dude then accuses me of having a problem with him and intentionally fucking up shit because I don't like him.

WTF?

I've got no trust.

She was a social worker and she confronted me about our "trust issues". I appreciated her honesty. I told her in the past I had been punished for sharing my health issues with my boss. My job requires a high level clearance. This resulted in a long drawn out investigation that proved to be simply he said/she said. Costed me $4000 to keep my job.

Ever since then, I do not share anything too personal with my supervisor. Even in medical documentation.

Jobs suck. We do them because we have to. Most of us are not working in fields that we really want to work in, even the supervisors.

Rise & Shine
Thrive & Grind
Heart & Mind

The literal PTSD:

The Postal Service didn't care about people at all.
https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-6318335/MAGAbomber-sent-pipe-bombs-major-mailing-facility-Opa-Locka-Florida.html

The routing of these went through my building. We were in an executive meeting when the news of this broke. Usually we kept CNN on in the background of every meeting. 5 minutes into the meeting the VP gets a call from HQ, a few minutes later the news broke ... we scrambled on how to talk to employees, and the specific tasks that we needed to do to help them. But for us, we went right back to work. Nobody ever talked to us, or even bothered to mention it.


This happened after Luther died. We had a six person team in the Area. Luther was an older dude that was close to retirement age but messed around and had twins late in life wouldn't be able to for a while. One night he got hit by a drunk driver and went out on medical leave. Extended. A year later Luther dies ... I only found out because someone left a flyer from his funeral in the breakroom. He had been dead for 3 weeks. No note from the Area, no acknowledgement, nothing.


And all of that happened after my wife nearly died from HELLP syndrome through preeclampsia. We were in the hospital for four days trying to keep her and the baby alive. Every day my job called me on my personal line, about some report out, that I had already delegated out and let them know the situation.


A full year of being shown by my job that life, my life, any life ... is irrelevant. I'm now EXTREMELY protective in the micro and macro of the safety and health of myself and family before any job. If I start to lose sleep because of working late, I cut back. You want me to travel for extended periods of time, no sir. If I'm sick I'll take a sick day. If I need to take care of my sick kids, I will.

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“There is no fate that cannot be surmounted by scorn.” -Albert Camus

having to smile and grin through bullshit.

I say light because I didnt work for that long in customer service -- just through the school days. But I really feel for people who carry on for longer

one experience in particular
i missed our weekly staff meeting because we had a drop-in customer. the owner was the type of dude that thinks whatever he wants is always right. which...he's the owner. i get it. but you own the company not me. recognize that difference before we go outside. so he stepped to me real disrespectful, said i make terrible decisions and i do shit just to annoy him. and most of my coworkers would've let that go. but here i am your top sales rep for YEARS. i missed your meeting to make a sale. not just for shits and giggles although if i want to do that i will do that too. in the 7 years i worked there we probably had 7 actual productive meetings so i never felt bad about missing one.

edit: i recently found out that i was actually fired after that argument and his kids (mgmt) stepped in like "you can't fire him just because he disagreed with you and you dont like it" and dude through a old man temper tantrum and left work for the rest of the day.

<--- Big Baller World Order

I had my own issues on top of it, my issues were dealing me instead of me dealing with them.

i came to work stinking of last nights bar visit all the time.

i was late all the time

i was just kinda "meh"

but at the same time, i busted my ass for that place and I learned a LOT.

when I got fired for a massive social faux pax - which I TOTALLY understand (we used to produce digital content for big musical acts, a legacy rock musician had a show in town, he gave the company tickets...good tickets to his show. I said I wanted to go, but then for a dumb list of reasons, missed the show.)


I was lost after getting shit canned and I was not sure what path made sense for me.

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https://soundcloud.com/swageyph/yph-die-with-me

♥ Inescapably Me ♥

"Love is never any better than the lover" Toni Morrison (The Bluest Eye)

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invite to talk about "leadership and employee relations in the weeking meeting I lead." I happened to be on a call with my boss at the time I read it and I was like "WTF! Am I getting fired!?" My boss was like "Huh? I don't know. Nobody said anything to me."

Now that I have had some sleep I think this might be one of those work mentor things. My boss and his boss have been trying to "mold" me into a leader *eye roll* even though no one reports to me *throws hands up.* I can see now that my boss's boss might be trying to get a female involved ... maybe? I am still unsure about that employee relations thing.

I hate the job, so if I DO get fired "oh well" but, I love the paycheck so I hope I don't. I haven't done anything to get fired, but I also am not taking to this fake "leadership" thing. I have too much to do to be trying to control people who don't even report to me! I am always trying to just get the day over with and make it to the next payday. I assume that is noticeable to people around me. I let them make dumb ass mistakes and then be like "Well, it was your choice." I usually end up helping them fix it though.

She wants to talk early in the day on Monday so, I am probably not getting fired, but yesterday I started inventorying all the stuff I left in the office (not much) and the things I have at home that I will need to return to them. I am going to update my resume today and a few other documents like refrences, and questions to ask, etc...

♥ Inescapably Me ♥

"Love is never any better than the lover" Toni Morrison (The Bluest Eye)

Analyze your past performance from the prior job and craft a plan to ensure it doesnt happen again.

Have the gunslinger qb mentality that understands prior performance but doesn't let that hurt the next play. There's still time on the clock and thus room to improve.

No empathy for white misery (c) BDot

"root for everybody black haters say that's crazy, wow..."