" Living together before marriage: Is it a "must" for you?"
A lot of people feel like they have to live together before getting married (or even engaged) because you *really* get to know someone after you live with him. While there are others who prefer not to because they say it's getting the benefits of marriage without the paper or it can make someone feel comfortable and not want to move towards marriage.
3. "i've heard of that study." In response to Reply # 1
what is presumed is that there religious factor affecting it though. people are least likely to move in prior to marriage do so out of religious beliefs and associated stigma, which in turns impacts their lower likelihood for divorce. while those who do move in together are less concerned about religious stigma and less concerned about the religious stigma regarding divorce.
i don't think that study looked at marriage satisfaction.
4. "when i was younger, i was adamantly against "living in sin" for myself." In response to Reply # 2
i didn't judge others who did, but for me, i was dead set against it. i thought it would make a man get too comfortable. as i've had more experience (in life, dating, and living with other people) and a better understanding of myself, there's no way i'd marry a man without living with him for at least 6 months before marriage. i'm not even sure i'd accept a marriage proposal before living together.
Inversely to tradition....I'd be scared as hell if my daughters married a guy before sin living. That whole notion of making a man 'too comfortable' is so near-sighted imo. The whole benefit of sin living is you find out what each other are like BEFORE making deeper commitments. Ie if he gets complacent about health and finances because he's 'comfortable'.....don't we wanna know that BEFORE marraige?
For sons....the shit is even more important. The financial risk of marraige skews heavily towards males. FAct is...they have alot more to lose in financial terms.
legsdiamond Member since May 05th 2011 77483 posts
Sun Nov-22-15 06:50 PM
9. "but thats the whole point of living with someone before marriage" In response to Reply # 6
when you have you own space it's easy to run back to it instead of being "trapped" and having to sleep/live with someone while fighting.
**************** TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*
legsdiamond Member since May 05th 2011 77483 posts
Mon Nov-23-15 11:54 AM
20. "point is when you live together there is no "well I'm going home"" In response to Reply # 10
when you get in an argument or want some space.
**************** TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*
24. "right. people ignore this important aspect." In response to Reply # 20
when you live with someone, how you cope with anger, arguments, tension, etc will be display cause you can't escape to your own place AND you gotta lay next to the person in bed. when you're not living together, you can hide how you REALLY deal with these situations.
And if you find out once marriage and how they handle stressful situations doesn't sit well with you, then you're trapped.
34. "You can live together and hide your emotions too. " In response to Reply # 24
...you may have a lot more incentive to because you don't have your own place to go home to. You may also be financially dependent or interdependent on them if you're married. You may have a friend or a relative who's house you can stay at. So no not really.
legsdiamond Member since May 05th 2011 77483 posts
Tue Nov-24-15 08:00 AM
38. "mature? lmao..you just admitted to arguing all day over soap on dishes....." In response to Reply # 33
adults turn into bratty kids when they first start living together.
crumbs on a table, not closing the toothpaste tube, the way you told clothes...
shit is hilarious
**************** TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*
legsdiamond Member since May 05th 2011 77483 posts
Sun Nov-22-15 06:41 PM
8. "gotta test drive the car before i buy it" In response to Reply # 0
**************** TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*
there is too much at stake if the incompatibility raises its ugly head 3 months in when you find out she likes to steal your sht or take late night binges out with her homeboy she's known for years or he has a mild drug habit he's been hiding from you for 2-1/2 years and thats a pet peeve of yours. Sht you might find out youre the weird one and he or she cant stand you and now you in court divvying up assets on some bs 3 months later.
You need to know who you really living with before taking the plunge instead of the person you see on the weekends.
22. "it's not that simple." In response to Reply # 21 Mon Nov-23-15 12:47 PM by SoWhat
1. there's no common law marriage in California.
2. a common law marriage isn't just foisted upon a couple by the gov't after a certain amount of time spent in cohabitation. if anything certain state govts will recognize a 'common law marriage' only after the couple at issue claims the existence of such a 'marriage'. and there are several elements the couple must prove before the state will recognize the marriage. those elements vary by state.
28. "RE: nope. i did it before. i know what i'm capable of" In response to Reply # 23
so what would your living arrangement be once married? do you think you could withstand living with someone while married or would you have a non-traditional living situation?
there was a NYT article i saw about a married couple who lived in separate, but connected apartments. i think that can work for the right couple.
29. "as long as there's a spare room for one of us" In response to Reply # 28
i'm good. that's really key when i cohabbed my SO had a small office/spare room for himself and his stuff. i pretty much took over the living room with my DJ equipment so it was only fair he'd get his own office area
37. "We didn't cohabitate before and it was rocky once we got married" In response to Reply # 0
but I don't think that anything that presented itself would have been a deal breaker if we had lived together first.
So I don't know.
I mean I was taken aback by the fact that she doesn't mind letting dishes sit in the sink all day, while I was raised that you clean the kitchen completely after every meal. Disturbing as I found that and a host of other little things, I not like I would have called off the engagement.
I had lived on my own for a decade before getting married, and didn't realize how set in my ways I had become. All the little things involved in cohabiting got under my skin.
She had stayed over before, but living together is a different animal. And, the responsible of being married is even deeper.
Also all the little concessions of personal freedom that we don't think about at first mount up when you get married. I remember a few weeks in, I was over my boys crib watching football. I called and said i was heading out and did she want me to pick up something for dinner. I ended up staying longer than I said I would, and when I got home she was angry...and hungry. Seems like no big thing, but the early part of a marriage is FULL of little push/pull moments, until you establish a rhythm.
I imagine it would be easy to get all that out of the way before you get married, but then comes the issue of how much weight you put on all the little concessions.
46. "See me, come live with me... Two different story. " In response to Reply # 0
My mother always said that. It's crucial I think. I think it helps to have at least lived with someone before (not necessarily) the same partner. Similar to what teef said above its more a way of learning about yourself and the adjustments you'd have to make when shaking up as opposed to being comfortable with the person.
People change. It's a risk anyway you slice it. Living with them doesn't always guarantee an easier marriage I think.
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