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Subject: " Living together before marriage: Is it a "must" for you?" Previous topic | Next topic
dew drops
Member since Sep 25th 2009
95 posts
Sun Nov-22-15 03:54 PM

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" Living together before marriage: Is it a "must" for you?"


          

A lot of people feel like they have to live together before getting married (or even engaged) because you *really* get to know someone after you live with him. While there are others who prefer not to because they say it's getting the benefits of marriage without the paper or it can make someone feel comfortable and not want to move towards marriage.


Which side are you on?

  

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Topic Outline
Subject Author Message Date ID
It's statistically more likely to fail that way.
Nov 22nd 2015
1
i've heard of that study.
Nov 22nd 2015
3
Yes.
Nov 22nd 2015
2
when i was younger, i was adamantly against "living in sin" for myself.
Nov 22nd 2015
4
      yep
Nov 22nd 2015
7
there was no way i was getting married without cohabitation first
Nov 22nd 2015
5
nope. it's completely possible to stay at someone's place
Nov 22nd 2015
6
but thats the whole point of living with someone before marriage
Nov 22nd 2015
9
      you do not have to run away because it's easy
Nov 22nd 2015
10
           point is when you live together there is no "well I'm going home"
Nov 23rd 2015
20
                right. people ignore this important aspect.
Nov 23rd 2015
24
                You can live together and hide your emotions too.
Nov 24th 2015
34
                My point is you can be mature and not do that
Nov 24th 2015
33
                     mature? lmao..you just admitted to arguing all day over soap on dishes.....
Nov 24th 2015
38
                          not all day and nobody left.
Nov 24th 2015
41
gotta test drive the car before i buy it
Nov 22nd 2015
8
yes
Nov 22nd 2015
11
i'm actually amazed I've made it this far and not cohabited
Nov 22nd 2015
12
RE: What if I don't want to get married again?
Nov 22nd 2015
13
RE: What if I don't want to get married again?
Nov 23rd 2015
26
      RE: Enh, I'm too bitter right now to answer objectively.
Nov 23rd 2015
32
I'd co-habitate first...
Nov 23rd 2015
14
if she wont live in sin, we probably aren't compatable to begin with
Nov 23rd 2015
15
Nope.
Nov 23rd 2015
16
not if you in tx, ca or other common law states
Nov 23rd 2015
17
why?
Nov 23rd 2015
18
      RE: why?
Nov 23rd 2015
21
           it's not that simple.
Nov 23rd 2015
22
           i believe qualifying as common law has more
Nov 23rd 2015
25
not a 'must' but i'd prefer it.
Nov 23rd 2015
19
nope. i did it before. i know what i'm capable of
Nov 23rd 2015
23
RE: nope. i did it before. i know what i'm capable of
Nov 23rd 2015
28
      as long as there's a spare room for one of us
Nov 23rd 2015
29
I wouldn't have asked her to marry me without knowing that it'd work.
Nov 23rd 2015
27
The flip side is I think you're less likely to bounce from a bad situati...
Nov 23rd 2015
30
RE: The flip side is I think you're less likely to bounce from a bad sit...
Nov 24th 2015
35
it's still cheaper/easier than divorce
Nov 24th 2015
43
yes, I have to know who I am marrying
Nov 23rd 2015
31
Spinoff: Would you live with someone you wouldn't consider marrying?
Nov 24th 2015
36
nope. for me, it would be pointless since I want to get married.
Nov 24th 2015
39
nah
Nov 24th 2015
44
We didn't cohabitate before and it was rocky once we got married
Nov 24th 2015
37
RE: We didn't cohabitate before and it was rocky once we got married
Nov 24th 2015
40
      It seems like a lot all at once.
Nov 24th 2015
45
      Both
Nov 24th 2015
47
it was...i'm glad we did it
Nov 24th 2015
42
See me, come live with me... Two different story.
Nov 24th 2015
46

Monkey Genius
Member since Mar 04th 2005
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Sun Nov-22-15 04:26 PM

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1. "It's statistically more likely to fail that way. "
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

Everybody thinks they're the exception, though.

----------------------------------
I have a webcomic: www.watchthecomic.com

My webcomic has a page: www.facebook.com/watchyourheadcomic

  

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dew drops
Member since Sep 25th 2009
95 posts
Sun Nov-22-15 05:20 PM

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3. "i've heard of that study."
In response to Reply # 1


          

what is presumed is that there religious factor affecting it though. people are least likely to move in prior to marriage do so out of religious beliefs and associated stigma, which in turns impacts their lower likelihood for divorce. while those who do move in together are less concerned about religious stigma and less concerned about the religious stigma regarding divorce.

i don't think that study looked at marriage satisfaction.

  

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denny
Member since Apr 11th 2008
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Sun Nov-22-15 05:01 PM

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2. "Yes."
In response to Reply # 0


          

And I had to break up with someone cause of this difference. No way am I getting stuck with whatever the hell you got stored in your closet.

  

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dew drops
Member since Sep 25th 2009
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4. "when i was younger, i was adamantly against "living in sin" for myself."
In response to Reply # 2


          

i didn't judge others who did, but for me, i was dead set against it. i thought it would make a man get too comfortable. as i've had more experience (in life, dating, and living with other people) and a better understanding of myself, there's no way i'd marry a man without living with him for at least 6 months before marriage. i'm not even sure i'd accept a marriage proposal before living together.

  

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denny
Member since Apr 11th 2008
11281 posts
Sun Nov-22-15 06:37 PM

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7. "yep"
In response to Reply # 4


          

Inversely to tradition....I'd be scared as hell if my daughters married a guy before sin living. That whole notion of making a man 'too comfortable' is so near-sighted imo. The whole benefit of sin living is you find out what each other are like BEFORE making deeper commitments. Ie if he gets complacent about health and finances because he's 'comfortable'.....don't we wanna know that BEFORE marraige?

For sons....the shit is even more important. The financial risk of marraige skews heavily towards males. FAct is...they have alot more to lose in financial terms.

  

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tomjohn29
Member since Oct 18th 2004
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Sun Nov-22-15 05:39 PM

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5. "there was no way i was getting married without cohabitation first"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

______________________________________

Navem nu, cuando sol
Tutu nu, vondo nos nu
Vita em, no continous non
Nos nu ekta nos sepe ta, amen

When the sun shades the ship
We sweat and life is not safe
To swim or to touch not
When we unite we hedge amen

  

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ndibs
Member since Aug 06th 2012
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Sun Nov-22-15 05:41 PM

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6. "nope. it's completely possible to stay at someone's place"
In response to Reply # 0


          

7 days a week or even a month or two or three or four at a time without giving up your own space.

  

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legsdiamond
Member since May 05th 2011
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Sun Nov-22-15 06:50 PM

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9. "but thats the whole point of living with someone before marriage"
In response to Reply # 6


          

when you have you own space it's easy to run back to it instead of being "trapped" and having to sleep/live with someone while fighting.

****************
TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*

  

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ndibs
Member since Aug 06th 2012
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10. "you do not have to run away because it's easy"
In response to Reply # 9
Sun Nov-22-15 07:10 PM by ndibs

          

or settle for someone who does that.

  

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legsdiamond
Member since May 05th 2011
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20. "point is when you live together there is no "well I'm going home""
In response to Reply # 10


          

when you get in an argument or want some space.

****************
TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*

  

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dew drops
Member since Sep 25th 2009
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24. "right. people ignore this important aspect."
In response to Reply # 20


          

when you live with someone, how you cope with anger, arguments, tension, etc will be display cause you can't escape to your own place AND you gotta lay next to the person in bed. when you're not living together, you can hide how you REALLY deal with these situations.

And if you find out once marriage and how they handle stressful situations doesn't sit well with you, then you're trapped.

  

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ndibs
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34. "You can live together and hide your emotions too. "
In response to Reply # 24


          

...you may have a lot more incentive to because you don't have your own place to go home to. You may also be financially dependent or interdependent on them if you're married. You may have a friend or a relative who's house you can stay at. So no not really.

  

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ndibs
Member since Aug 06th 2012
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Tue Nov-24-15 12:34 AM

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33. "My point is you can be mature and not do that "
In response to Reply # 20


          

>when you get in an argument or want some space.

Even when you have the option.

  

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legsdiamond
Member since May 05th 2011
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38. "mature? lmao..you just admitted to arguing all day over soap on dishes....."
In response to Reply # 33


          

adults turn into bratty kids when they first start living together.

crumbs on a table, not closing the toothpaste tube, the way you told clothes...

shit is hilarious

****************
TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*

  

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ndibs
Member since Aug 06th 2012
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41. "not all day and nobody left."
In response to Reply # 38


          

.

  

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legsdiamond
Member since May 05th 2011
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8. "gotta test drive the car before i buy it"
In response to Reply # 0


          

****************
TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*

  

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wluv
Member since Jan 27th 2003
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Sun Nov-22-15 09:20 PM

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11. "yes"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

there is too much at stake if the incompatibility raises its ugly head 3 months in when you find out she likes to steal your sht or take late night binges out with her homeboy she's known for years or he has a mild drug habit he's been hiding from you for 2-1/2 years and thats a pet peeve of yours. Sht you might find out youre the weird one and he or she cant stand you and now you in court divvying up assets on some bs 3 months later.

You need to know who you really living with before taking the plunge instead of the person you see on the weekends.

  

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double negative
Member since Dec 14th 2007
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12. "i'm actually amazed I've made it this far and not cohabited "
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

I dont know how ya'll do it.

i get it.

but I don't. Having to be "on" all the time.
thats some pressure.

***********************************************************
https://soundcloud.com/swageyph/yph-die-with-me

  

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Austin
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13. "RE: What if I don't want to get married again?"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

Once was enough, thanks.



"You have to laugh at the things that hurt you just to keep yourself in balance."
—Ken Kesey

http://austinato.bandcamp.com

http://www.discogs.com/lists/Favorites-of-2015/222933

  

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dew drops
Member since Sep 25th 2009
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26. "RE: What if I don't want to get married again?"
In response to Reply # 13


          

would you be okay having a long-term relationship while living in separate homes indefinitely?

  

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Austin
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32. "RE: Enh, I'm too bitter right now to answer objectively."
In response to Reply # 26


  

          


"You have to laugh at the things that hurt you just to keep yourself in balance."
—Ken Kesey

http://austinato.bandcamp.com

http://www.discogs.com/lists/Favorites-of-2015/222933

  

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Dyskoteknowlegy
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14. "I'd co-habitate first..."
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

I gotta see what you do with your tampons and toenail clippings before we jump the broom...

"You are a fucking asshole and I don't like you"-My wife
https://instagram.com/jetpack_jungle/

  

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Mynoriti
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15. "if she wont live in sin, we probably aren't compatable to begin with"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

--------
http://ambitiondeficitdisorder.tumblr.com/

  

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Case_One
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16. "Nope. "
In response to Reply # 0


  

          


.
.
.

  

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boyd
Member since May 15th 2006
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Mon Nov-23-15 10:22 AM

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17. "not if you in tx, ca or other common law states"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

but hell yeah we gots to live together first and foremost

  

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SoWhat
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18. "why?"
In response to Reply # 17


  

          

fuck you.

  

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boyd
Member since May 15th 2006
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21. "RE: why?"
In response to Reply # 18


  

          

>


if you live a certain amount of years with your SO
they treat as if you were married

  

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SoWhat
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22. "it's not that simple."
In response to Reply # 21
Mon Nov-23-15 12:47 PM by SoWhat

  

          

1. there's no common law marriage in California.

2. a common law marriage isn't just foisted upon a couple by the gov't after a certain amount of time spent in cohabitation. if anything certain state govts will recognize a 'common law marriage' only after the couple at issue claims the existence of such a 'marriage'. and there are several elements the couple must prove before the state will recognize the marriage. those elements vary by state.

3. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Common-law_marriage_in_the_United_States#Legislation

fuck you.

  

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dew drops
Member since Sep 25th 2009
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25. "i believe qualifying as common law has more"
In response to Reply # 21


          

qualifications than how long you've lived with someone.

  

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SoWhat
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19. "not a 'must' but i'd prefer it."
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

fuck you.

  

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teefiveten
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Mon Nov-23-15 12:42 PM

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23. "nope. i did it before. i know what i'm capable of"
In response to Reply # 0
Mon Nov-23-15 12:42 PM by teefiveten

  

          

as far as sharing space/living with someone

if i get married i plan to live out of my own crib until my wedding day because it's presumably the last time i'm living alone and I LOVE IT

*************************************
like.me
http://tinyurl.com/3z8486u

"if the children are not initiated into the village they will burn it down just to feel its warmth." - african proverb

  

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dew drops
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28. "RE: nope. i did it before. i know what i'm capable of"
In response to Reply # 23


          

so what would your living arrangement be once married? do you think you could withstand living with someone while married or would you have a non-traditional living situation?

there was a NYT article i saw about a married couple who lived in separate, but connected apartments. i think that can work for the right couple.

  

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teefiveten
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Mon Nov-23-15 12:59 PM

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29. "as long as there's a spare room for one of us"
In response to Reply # 28


  

          

i'm good. that's really key
when i cohabbed my SO had a small office/spare room for himself and his stuff. i pretty much took over the living room with my DJ equipment so it was only fair he'd get his own office area

i don't have problems sharing a bed or a bathroom

*************************************
like.me
http://tinyurl.com/3z8486u

"if the children are not initiated into the village they will burn it down just to feel its warmth." - african proverb

  

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Frank Longo
Member since Nov 18th 2003
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27. "I wouldn't have asked her to marry me without knowing that it'd work."
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

We've lived together for years now. It works wonderfully.

For beer lovers: http://thebeertravelguide.com
For movie lovers: http://russellhainline.com

  

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southphillyman
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30. "The flip side is I think you're less likely to bounce from a bad situati..."
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

Since one of y'all have to move once you break up
The hassle of moving and cost savings may incentivize you to put up with more bullshit then usual

~~~~~~

  

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ndibs
Member since Aug 06th 2012
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Tue Nov-24-15 12:42 AM

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35. "RE: The flip side is I think you're less likely to bounce from a bad sit..."
In response to Reply # 30


          

>Since one of y'all have to move once you break up
>The hassle of moving and cost savings may incentivize you to
>put up with more bullshit then usual

And then ppl think about starting over and they just go ahead and marry someone less than ideal.

  

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gumz
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43. "it's still cheaper/easier than divorce"
In response to Reply # 30


  

          

so if you get to that crossroads it's better to do so before you're married

>The hassle of moving and cost savings may incentivize you to
>put up with more bullshit then usual

http://www.youtube.com/user/gumzization
twitter: @BrosefMalone

  

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DJ007
Member since Apr 06th 2003
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Mon Nov-23-15 09:44 PM

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31. "yes, I have to know who I am marrying"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          


_____________________________________________________
"You can win with certainty with the spirit of "one cut". "Musashi Miyamoto

  

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Buddy_Gilapagos
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36. "Spinoff: Would you live with someone you wouldn't consider marrying?"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          


**********
"Everyone has a plan until you punch them in the face. Then they don't have a plan anymore." (c) Mike Tyson

"what's a leader if he isn't reluctant"

  

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dew drops
Member since Sep 25th 2009
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39. "nope. for me, it would be pointless since I want to get married."
In response to Reply # 36


          

  

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gumz
Member since Jan 09th 2005
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44. "nah"
In response to Reply # 36


  

          

http://www.youtube.com/user/gumzization
twitter: @BrosefMalone

  

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bigkarma
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Tue Nov-24-15 07:23 AM

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37. "We didn't cohabitate before and it was rocky once we got married"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

but I don't think that anything that presented itself would have been a deal breaker if we had lived together first.

So I don't know.

I mean I was taken aback by the fact that she doesn't mind letting dishes sit in the sink all day, while I was raised that you clean the kitchen completely after every meal. Disturbing as I found that and a host of other little things, I not like I would have called off the engagement.

  

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dew drops
Member since Sep 25th 2009
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Tue Nov-24-15 08:51 AM

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40. "RE: We didn't cohabitate before and it was rocky once we got married"
In response to Reply # 37


          

was it rocky because you were adjusting to live together or other things related to being newly married?

  

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Buddy_Gilapagos
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Tue Nov-24-15 09:52 AM

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45. "It seems like a lot all at once. "
In response to Reply # 40


  

          


**********
"Everyone has a plan until you punch them in the face. Then they don't have a plan anymore." (c) Mike Tyson

"what's a leader if he isn't reluctant"

  

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bigkarma
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Tue Nov-24-15 11:01 AM

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47. "Both"
In response to Reply # 40


  

          

I had lived on my own for a decade before getting married, and didn't realize how set in my ways I had become. All the little things involved in cohabiting got under my skin.

She had stayed over before, but living together is a different animal. And, the responsible of being married is even deeper.

Also all the little concessions of personal freedom that we don't think about at first mount up when you get married. I remember a few weeks in, I was over my boys crib watching football. I called and said i was heading out and did she want me to pick up something for dinner. I ended up staying longer than I said I would, and when I got home she was angry...and hungry. Seems like no big thing, but the early part of a marriage is FULL of little push/pull moments, until you establish a rhythm.

I imagine it would be easy to get all that out of the way before you get married, but then comes the issue of how much weight you put on all the little concessions.

  

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gumz
Member since Jan 09th 2005
20118 posts
Tue Nov-24-15 09:43 AM

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42. "it was...i'm glad we did it"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

i feel like there's an additional layer of getting to know someone that comes from living with them.

http://www.youtube.com/user/gumzization
twitter: @BrosefMalone

  

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Seven
Member since Dec 11th 2004
10703 posts
Tue Nov-24-15 10:09 AM

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46. "See me, come live with me... Two different story. "
In response to Reply # 0


          

My mother always said that. It's crucial I think.
I think it helps to have at least lived with someone before (not necessarily) the same partner. Similar to what teef said above its more a way of learning about yourself and the adjustments you'd have to make when shaking up as opposed to being comfortable with the person.

People change. It's a risk anyway you slice it. Living with them doesn't always guarantee an easier marriage I think.

  

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