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Subject: "Family Drama (long)" Previous topic | Next topic
NikaMandela
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Mon Mar-16-15 12:41 PM

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"Family Drama (long)"


          

this post is part rant, and part me asking for advice, prayers and information...

background story:

my brother is muslim and lives in gambia. he has 2 wives and 3 kids by the first wife and 2 kids by the second wife. when he married the first wife, he promised her he wouldn't take a second wife, but right after she gave birth to their second child, he went on and married the second wife, which devastated the first wife...

about a year and a half ago, my brother came here with his oldest son, who is now 7, and stayed for a while. my nephew started school here and when it was time for my brother to leave, they decided to let him finish out the school year. so he's in his second year here and his parents want him back and he's all ready to go. tickets have been bought and everything.

now my brother wants a divorce from the first wife. he's said all kinds of things about her which may or may not be true, but one would expect this type of behavior from a woman who is scorned. my brother's plan is for her to return to her mother with their youngest child, a girl, who is 3; put their middle child, a boy, who is 5, in boarding school, and take the oldest, who has been staying with my mom for a year and half, and have him live with him and the second wife and their kids.

have you ever in your life ever heard of such fuckery???

so me and my mom are trying to figure out what to do. she's supposed to bring him back to gambia next week but that just seems like a bad idea. my nephew misses his mom sorely. to bring him back and have him live with the other woman is just cruel. so my mom says she won't bring him back and my brother says he's going to come get him.

what would you do? what would Jesus do? can anything be done legally to prevent my brother from taking him back?

as for me and my brother, i really dont want to have anything to do with him.

  

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Topic Outline
Subject Author Message Date ID
why does he want the eldest son but not the other 2 kids?
Mar 16th 2015
1
my guess:
Mar 16th 2015
4
i knew that this was going to be about your brother
Mar 16th 2015
2
yeah this is basically part 2 of "my brother has 2 wives"
Mar 16th 2015
5
      well since the oldest was here...have you been teaching him about
Mar 16th 2015
13
           lol i dont believe in teaching children a religion personally
Mar 16th 2015
20
           what does that have to do with anything?
Mar 16th 2015
34
           listen im christian. i love jesus. you dont understand
Mar 16th 2015
37
                but you are questioning the religious practice of this kid
Mar 16th 2015
47
           there are families taught "the goodness of Jesus"
Mar 16th 2015
38
                basically
Mar 16th 2015
39
                geez can everyone lighten the F up!
Mar 16th 2015
40
                the joke was in poor form
Mar 16th 2015
41
                     seth go eat some larry's
Mar 16th 2015
42
                          Case Two is funny.
Mar 16th 2015
43
                word up
Mar 16th 2015
48
i don't understand what there is for you & your mom to do
Mar 16th 2015
3
the goal is to protect him as much as possible from all that dysfunction
Mar 16th 2015
6
      can you guys file for her?
Mar 16th 2015
35
           i think my mom tried and she was denied
Mar 16th 2015
44
um those are there kids. Unless they are in physical danger, I don't see...
Mar 16th 2015
7
well yeah. thats the reality.
Mar 16th 2015
9
      i don't...i may be missing something. Is he trying to keep the child
Mar 16th 2015
12
           im not sure if he wants to keep his children away from their mother comp...
Mar 16th 2015
19
Is the first wife American too?
Mar 16th 2015
8
no she's gambian.
Mar 16th 2015
10
I wouldn't interfere.
Mar 16th 2015
11
you wouldn't try to interfere???
Mar 16th 2015
15
      Beyond trying to talk sense into your brother..thats' about it.
Mar 16th 2015
22
      I would offer my best advise, and take a step back.
Mar 16th 2015
24
      his kids... his decision
Mar 16th 2015
25
      this nigga is about to get disowned.
Mar 16th 2015
29
      "traumitized"
Mar 16th 2015
31
           i don think its something he'll get over.
Mar 16th 2015
32
Cheaper to keep her. Uh, I mean "them"
Mar 16th 2015
14
it's another country and the wives probably don't work
Mar 16th 2015
23
they dont have family court there?
Mar 16th 2015
16
the sad part is you can't really interfere.
Mar 16th 2015
17
.
Mar 16th 2015
18
honestly this doesn't sound like you or your mother's business
Mar 16th 2015
21
Basically.
Mar 16th 2015
26
it counts for nothing that my mom has cared for my nephew for almost 2 y...
Mar 16th 2015
27
      true.
Mar 16th 2015
28
his wife, his kids
Mar 16th 2015
30
I've been in a similar situation
Mar 16th 2015
33
thank you. i appreciate this.
Mar 16th 2015
45
      I can only imagine the heartbreak
Mar 16th 2015
49
Unfortunately, all you can do is try to talk to your brother, but
Mar 16th 2015
36
the sound of his voice makes me want to earl.
Mar 16th 2015
46
you can't do anything, and neither can your mother...
Mar 16th 2015
50
does 1st wife have any proof of marriage?
Mar 16th 2015
51

blackrussian
Member since Oct 17th 2010
6498 posts
Mon Mar-16-15 12:47 PM

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1. "why does he want the eldest son but not the other 2 kids?"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

  

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NikaMandela
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Mon Mar-16-15 12:51 PM

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4. "my guess:"
In response to Reply # 1


          

the oldest son is special because he's the oldest son. he's also been out of his culture for a long time so my brother may want to monitor his reintroduction to his culture.

not sure why he wants to put my 2nd nephew in boarding school.

but as for the little girl, he probably does not value her as much or in the same way because she is a girl and he probably thinks girls should stay with their mothers.

  

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labcoat
Member since Jun 15th 2006
14581 posts
Mon Mar-16-15 12:48 PM

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2. "i knew that this was going to be about your brother"
In response to Reply # 0


          

all you can do
is help the 1st wife

but you have to help the middle child too

SMH
Jesus be a fence

--------------
Daren, I'll never forget you
http://www.fayemurman.com/extras/magee/daren/

  

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NikaMandela
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Mon Mar-16-15 12:52 PM

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5. "yeah this is basically part 2 of "my brother has 2 wives""
In response to Reply # 2
Mon Mar-16-15 12:53 PM by NikaMandela

          

my brother got married like a muslim and is divorcing like an american.

NOW he knows how impossible it is to love two human beings the same. after 3 kids. what an idiot.

  

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labcoat
Member since Jun 15th 2006
14581 posts
Mon Mar-16-15 01:08 PM

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13. "well since the oldest was here...have you been teaching him about"
In response to Reply # 5


          

the goodness of Jesus?

lol
but im serious

or anything better than what he is being taught

--------------
Daren, I'll never forget you
http://www.fayemurman.com/extras/magee/daren/

  

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NikaMandela
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Mon Mar-16-15 01:15 PM

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20. "lol i dont believe in teaching children a religion personally"
In response to Reply # 13
Mon Mar-16-15 01:17 PM by NikaMandela

          

i believe they should choose for themselves.

we dont "teach" him anything but your standard morals, values, etc.

although he did say outright the he does NOT want 2 wives.

  

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GirlChild
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Mon Mar-16-15 01:41 PM

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34. "what does that have to do with anything?"
In response to Reply # 13


  

          

  

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labcoat
Member since Jun 15th 2006
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Mon Mar-16-15 02:23 PM

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37. "listen im christian. i love jesus. you dont understand"
In response to Reply # 34


          

i dont try to understand you
so no reason to try to understand me
or question me

--------------
Daren, I'll never forget you
http://www.fayemurman.com/extras/magee/daren/

  

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GirlChild
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Mon Mar-16-15 03:20 PM

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47. "but you are questioning the religious practice of this kid"
In response to Reply # 37


  

          

i mean that was so out of pocket to do that

i don't question who you worship so why throw that out there?

  

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MrThomas43423
Member since Jul 03rd 2002
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Mon Mar-16-15 02:40 PM

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38. "there are families taught "the goodness of Jesus""
In response to Reply # 13


  

          

who go thru the same things if not worse. "goodness of Jesus" is a relative term depending of course on if you believe in Jesus.
---------------------------------------
it's true what they say...people are strange, when you're strangers.

not compassionate....only polite.

I am not like you at all and i cannot pretend.

  

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teefiveten
Member since Oct 02nd 2008
33019 posts
Mon Mar-16-15 02:42 PM

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39. "basically"
In response to Reply # 38


  

          

.

*************************************
like.me
http://tinyurl.com/3z8486u

"if the children are not initiated into the village they will burn it down just to feel its warmth." - african proverb

  

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labcoat
Member since Jun 15th 2006
14581 posts
Mon Mar-16-15 02:58 PM

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40. "geez can everyone lighten the F up!"
In response to Reply # 38


          

--------------
Daren, I'll never forget you
http://www.fayemurman.com/extras/magee/daren/

  

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MrThomas43423
Member since Jul 03rd 2002
67613 posts
Mon Mar-16-15 03:00 PM

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41. "the joke was in poor form"
In response to Reply # 40
Mon Mar-16-15 03:08 PM by MrThomas43423

  

          

"lol"
"but i'm serious"

you meant that shit. you still my peoples tho. that's why i didn't say CASE TWO like i originally wanted to.
---------------------------------------
it's true what they say...people are strange, when you're strangers.

not compassionate....only polite.

I am not like you at all and i cannot pretend.

  

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labcoat
Member since Jun 15th 2006
14581 posts
Mon Mar-16-15 03:03 PM

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42. "seth go eat some larry's"
In response to Reply # 41


          

and please
like i care if you call me case two

oh that really hurt
NOT

--------------
Daren, I'll never forget you
http://www.fayemurman.com/extras/magee/daren/

  

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MrThomas43423
Member since Jul 03rd 2002
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Mon Mar-16-15 03:08 PM

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43. "Case Two is funny. "
In response to Reply # 42


  

          

and if you don't have a problem with it, i'll make sure to toss it out there every once and a while to see how it feels.
---------------------------------------
it's true what they say...people are strange, when you're strangers.

not compassionate....only polite.

I am not like you at all and i cannot pretend.

  

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GirlChild
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Mon Mar-16-15 03:21 PM

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48. "word up"
In response to Reply # 38


  

          

  

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samsara
Member since Sep 15th 2002
3464 posts
Mon Mar-16-15 12:49 PM

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3. "i don't understand what there is for you & your mom to do"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

how does trying to keep the oldest son in the states help the situation?

"i fear no fate" e.e. cummings
"No girl. No fried chicken. I'm going back to get some sleep." - Haruki Murakami

  

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NikaMandela
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Mon Mar-16-15 12:55 PM

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6. "the goal is to protect him as much as possible from all that dysfunction"
In response to Reply # 3


          

best case scenario would be if the first wife could come here with her other kids, but that visa situation is tricky.

  

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GirlChild
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Mon Mar-16-15 01:42 PM

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35. "can you guys file for her?"
In response to Reply # 6


  

          

not sure if that type of thing happens anymore

  

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NikaMandela
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Mon Mar-16-15 03:08 PM

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44. "i think my mom tried and she was denied"
In response to Reply # 35


          

and she thinks my brother threw a monkey wrench in it.

  

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Cenario
Member since Aug 24th 2005
57340 posts
Mon Mar-16-15 12:59 PM

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7. "um those are there kids. Unless they are in physical danger, I don't see..."
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

how/why you can determine where they stay. That's between the parents and the law.

-The Knicks’ coaching search still includes a lone frontrunner, Kurt Rambis, whose qualifications for the position include a strong relationship with Jackson and a willingness to take the job.

  

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NikaMandela
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Mon Mar-16-15 01:04 PM

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9. "well yeah. thats the reality."
In response to Reply # 7


          

but surely you understand our desperation.

  

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Cenario
Member since Aug 24th 2005
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12. "i don't...i may be missing something. Is he trying to keep the child"
In response to Reply # 9


  

          

completely from the mother aka kidnap him? ARe they going to fight over custody? Whats the law say on these things?

I'm missing the desperation/kcufery part.

-The Knicks’ coaching search still includes a lone frontrunner, Kurt Rambis, whose qualifications for the position include a strong relationship with Jackson and a willingness to take the job.

  

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NikaMandela
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Mon Mar-16-15 01:13 PM

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19. "im not sure if he wants to keep his children away from their mother comp..."
In response to Reply # 12


          

but its a male dominated country so a custody battle is not really an option.

but you can imagine how it must feel for the first wife to lose her husband AND her son. and how it must feel for my nephew to miss and want his mom but have to live with his stepmom.

its not like it would be over here. which would be bad enough.

  

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Niq96st
Member since Jun 16th 2005
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Mon Mar-16-15 01:02 PM

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8. "Is the first wife American too?"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          


_______________________________
Maintain chill at all times.

  

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NikaMandela
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Mon Mar-16-15 01:04 PM

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10. "no she's gambian. "
In response to Reply # 8


          

both wives are gambian.

  

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initiationofplato
Member since Nov 06th 2013
2420 posts
Mon Mar-16-15 01:05 PM

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11. "I wouldn't interfere."
In response to Reply # 0


          

I would only support my brother if he needed it, but as far as family decisions and what he does with his wives/children, that's on you, good luck.

~Experience is the currency of the soul.

  

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NikaMandela
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Mon Mar-16-15 01:10 PM

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15. "you wouldn't try to interfere???"
In response to Reply # 11
Mon Mar-16-15 01:16 PM by NikaMandela

          

you'd just throw you hands up and say, oh well. nothing i can do. and go on about your life? while your nephews and nieces were being split apart and traumatized?

you wouldnt do anything? say anything?

nothing at all?

  

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Cenario
Member since Aug 24th 2005
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Mon Mar-16-15 01:18 PM

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22. "Beyond trying to talk sense into your brother..thats' about it."
In response to Reply # 15


  

          

I have a better understanding of what you are saying tho.

But you don't really have options.

-The Knicks’ coaching search still includes a lone frontrunner, Kurt Rambis, whose qualifications for the position include a strong relationship with Jackson and a willingness to take the job.

  

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initiationofplato
Member since Nov 06th 2013
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Mon Mar-16-15 01:21 PM

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24. "I would offer my best advise, and take a step back."
In response to Reply # 15


          

I've dealt with a lot of family drama myself, and I have come to realize that it does not matter how good your advise or intentions are, people are going to make their own decisions, siblings or not.

It's not my life to live.

Give the best advise you have, offer support if requested, and take a step back.


~Experience is the currency of the soul.

  

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legsdiamond
Member since May 05th 2011
70263 posts
Mon Mar-16-15 01:22 PM

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25. "his kids... his decision"
In response to Reply # 15


          

now, I would try and sway him but we already know that ain't prolly going to happen so....

  

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NikaMandela
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Mon Mar-16-15 01:28 PM

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29. "this nigga is about to get disowned."
In response to Reply # 25


          

thats probably all we can do.

  

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MrThomas43423
Member since Jul 03rd 2002
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Mon Mar-16-15 01:30 PM

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31. ""traumitized""
In response to Reply # 15


  

          

is it a fact he's being traumatized? is it trauma he'll never get over? will he cry and feel sad for a bit, but then realize he'll still be okay?

i'm not saying he is one way or the other, but if you make a child think they're being traumatized then chances are that'll feed off that and play the role.
---------------------------------------
it's true what they say...people are strange, when you're strangers.

not compassionate....only polite.

I am not like you at all and i cannot pretend.

  

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NikaMandela
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Mon Mar-16-15 01:37 PM

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32. "i don think its something he'll get over."
In response to Reply # 31


          

i mean, he'll adjust but you dont get over shit like that. shit, i'm not over my own damn childhood family drama and his shit is way way way deeper than mine.

we don't or won't do or say anything that suggests to him that he's being traumatized, but I'm sure he can feel the energy no matter how much we pretend.

  

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8-bit
Member since Jan 12th 2010
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Mon Mar-16-15 01:09 PM

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14. "Cheaper to keep her. Uh, I mean "them""
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

He has two TWO wives right now. He better go and try to work that shit out...










...unless she got a new dude on the side, because then it's too many variables for my simple equation.

---
http://twitter.com/logicalhood
http://instagram.com/hoodlogic

  

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teefiveten
Member since Oct 02nd 2008
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Mon Mar-16-15 01:20 PM

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23. "it's another country and the wives probably don't work"
In response to Reply # 14


  

          

and they likely don't have much power either

so its not like he has to pay child support. he's shipping first wife back to her moms. she probably couldn't fight him on this either.

that's a sad situation

*************************************
like.me
http://tinyurl.com/3z8486u

"if the children are not initiated into the village they will burn it down just to feel its warmth." - african proverb

  

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ndibs
Member since Aug 06th 2012
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Mon Mar-16-15 01:11 PM

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16. "they dont have family court there?"
In response to Reply # 0


          

?

You really have no rights in this situation.

  

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MrThomas43423
Member since Jul 03rd 2002
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Mon Mar-16-15 01:11 PM

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17. "the sad part is you can't really interfere."
In response to Reply # 0
Mon Mar-16-15 01:12 PM by MrThomas43423

  

          

the sadder part is when/if/hopefully not....a child ends up hurt or affected by something like this you can't go back in time and correct it. and its in bad form to be like, "well in 2015, you had a chance...."
---------------------------------------
it's true what they say...people are strange, when you're strangers.

not compassionate....only polite.

I am not like you at all and i cannot pretend.

  

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MrThomas43423
Member since Jul 03rd 2002
67613 posts
Mon Mar-16-15 01:12 PM

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18. "."
In response to Reply # 17
Mon Mar-16-15 01:12 PM by MrThomas43423

  

          

---------------------------------------
it's true what they say...people are strange, when you're strangers.

not compassionate....only polite.

I am not like you at all and i cannot pretend.

  

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woe.is.me.
Member since Aug 06th 2007
13957 posts
Mon Mar-16-15 01:18 PM

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21. "honestly this doesn't sound like you or your mother's business"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

at all.
to the extent that is your family, i understand your concern.
but you're taking it another step by trying to scheme on what should or should not be done with your brother and his wife's children.

---
www.ikirejones.com
FW16: After Migration.

  

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initiationofplato
Member since Nov 06th 2013
2420 posts
Mon Mar-16-15 01:23 PM

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26. "Basically."
In response to Reply # 21


          

Also, if she does succeed with some plan, it will only strain relationships in the future. The moment you take on someone's problems and go to extreme measures to impact/influence them, you take on the burden of the consequences too.

~Experience is the currency of the soul.

  

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NikaMandela
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Mon Mar-16-15 01:24 PM

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27. "it counts for nothing that my mom has cared for my nephew for almost 2 y..."
In response to Reply # 21


          

i mean i can easily say its not my business, but i can't fix my mouth to say its not my mom's.

  

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teefiveten
Member since Oct 02nd 2008
33019 posts
Mon Mar-16-15 01:26 PM

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28. "true. "
In response to Reply # 27


  

          

.

*************************************
like.me
http://tinyurl.com/3z8486u

"if the children are not initiated into the village they will burn it down just to feel its warmth." - african proverb

  

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wluv
Member since Jan 27th 2003
4346 posts
Mon Mar-16-15 01:29 PM

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30. "his wife, his kids"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

his plan, his problem

Nothing legally you or your mom can do without HIS permission.

He has to work that out with HIS wives.

Challenging your brother or trying to impede HIS plans with HIS family will only make you more estranged than you are.

Kids are resilient and maybe things will work out.

Youve expressed your displeasure to him i supposed but that man going to do what he wants anyway.

Unless he is willing to make your mom legal custodian of the kid, which is HIS prerogative, there is nothing to do.

  

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Ted Gee Seal
Member since Apr 18th 2007
10090 posts
Mon Mar-16-15 01:41 PM

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33. "I've been in a similar situation"
In response to Reply # 0
Mon Mar-16-15 01:41 PM by Ted Gee Seal

  

          

>this post is part rant, and part me asking for advice,
>prayers and information...
>
>background story:
>
>my brother is muslim and lives in gambia. he has 2 wives and 3
>kids by the first wife and 2 kids by the second wife. when he
>married the first wife, he promised her he wouldn't take a
>second wife, but right after she gave birth to their second
>child, he went on and married the second wife, which
>devastated the first wife...
>
>about a year and a half ago, my brother came here with his
>oldest son, who is now 7, and stayed for a while. my nephew
>started school here and when it was time for my brother to
>leave, they decided to let him finish out the school year. so
>he's in his second year here and his parents want him back and
>he's all ready to go. tickets have been bought and
>everything.
>
>now my brother wants a divorce from the first wife. he's said
>all kinds of things about her which may or may not be true,
>but one would expect this type of behavior from a woman who is
>scorned. my brother's plan is for her to return to her mother
>with their youngest child, a girl, who is 3; put their middle
>child, a boy, who is 5, in boarding school, and take the
>oldest, who has been staying with my mom for a year and half,
>and have him live with him and the second wife and their
>kids.
>
>have you ever in your life ever heard of such fuckery???
>
>so me and my mom are trying to figure out what to do. she's
>supposed to bring him back to gambia next week but that just
>seems like a bad idea. my nephew misses his mom sorely. to
>bring him back and have him live with the other woman is just
>cruel. so my mom says she won't bring him back and my brother
>says he's going to come get him.
>
>what would you do? what would Jesus do? can anything be done
>legally to prevent my brother from taking him back?
>
>as for me and my brother, i really dont want to have anything
>to do with him.

My mother was in hospital for her third major operation in as many years to help keep her alive. Dad was spending most nights at the hospital, and I was at home with my teenage brother and his homestay from Japan. We get a phone call that my cousin has locked himself in the bathroom at my aunt's house with a knife. Police have been called in, and they deliver him over to our place. His parents had divorced (father left my aunt for another woman after a long term affair behind her back) and my aunt was always a bit unstable anyway. I'm wondering how I'm going to deal with three teenage kids and stop my girlfriend (now Mrs Seal) running a mile from all the crazy. Once my cousin came to us though, he was fine. He just needed some stability and a calm household. Handling the three kids was relatively breezy, and my cousin improved even more once my parents came home.

That didn't stop my aunt from taking issue with the fact that he was doing so well with us, cussing my parents out (in their own home) over who knows what, and taking her son back just to salvage some pride.

Wasn't a lot we could do unfortunately. We had no legal standing, despite knowing what was best for him in the situation. He muddled through it all and seems like a thoroughly decent human being now. Sometimes you've just got to do your best from the sidelines. I know that's easier said than done because it's a lot more difficult in your mother's situation, but you have to do your best while staying in bounds, I think.

I'm sorry you and your mother have had to go through this, and can't imagine how hard this will be on the kid. You've got my prayers.

Just IMO though.

  

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NikaMandela
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Mon Mar-16-15 03:11 PM

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45. "thank you. i appreciate this."
In response to Reply # 33
Mon Mar-16-15 03:13 PM by NikaMandela

          

i keep looking at his sweet innocent hopeful face and thinking how heartbroken he's going to be when he gets back home. i just dont want him to go through that. but this is life and life goes on.

  

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Ted Gee Seal
Member since Apr 18th 2007
10090 posts
Mon Mar-16-15 03:25 PM

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49. "I can only imagine the heartbreak"
In response to Reply # 45


  

          

>i keep looking at his sweet innocent hopeful face and
>thinking how heartbroken he's going to be when he gets back
>home. i just dont want him to go through that. but this is
>life and life goes on.

Letting your blood go back into an environment you know will hurt them brings such frustration, because you know what should be done and yet you're powerless to do anything about it.

Hopefully you can both stay in contact with him enough, and show him enough love to help blunt the other difficulties he'll go through. If he feels loved, that should help. We were lucky that my cousin is close to my brother due to age, and they were still able to spend time together.

Just IMO though.

  

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Case_One
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Mon Mar-16-15 01:58 PM

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36. "Unfortunately, all you can do is try to talk to your brother, but"
In response to Reply # 0


          

there is really nothing you can do about the matter. Now you can pray that wisdom will prevail, but that's about the extent.



.
.
.
"Today is your day to have a better life -- it's your right."

  

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NikaMandela
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Mon Mar-16-15 03:14 PM

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46. "the sound of his voice makes me want to earl."
In response to Reply # 36


          

so theres that.

  

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morpheme
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94867 posts
Mon Mar-16-15 06:45 PM

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50. "you can't do anything, and neither can your mother..."
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

and there's a mint on the pillow at your brother's reservation in hell.

  

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akon
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26984 posts
Mon Mar-16-15 07:08 PM

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51. "does 1st wife have any proof of marriage?"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

because under american law, she's the only one that counts, if she does
i'd talk to a lawyer, chances are she can apply for residency
for her and her children, but only if she is not divorced.
or she might have some say on what happens to her son, regardless

your brothers sounds like an asshole
and he's in violation of american law.
how is he going to send her to her parents with 3 children?
probably knowing that its all downhill for her after that?

tough situation

.
http://perspectivesudans.blogspot.com/
i myself would never want to be god,or even like god.Because god got all these human beings on this planet and i most certainly would not want to be responsible for them, or even have the disgrace that i made them.

  

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