Printer-friendly copy Email this topic to a friend
Lobby General Discussion topic #13425613

Subject: "Advice in the last place I should seek it. OKP" Previous topic | Next topic
MEAT
Member since Feb 08th 2008
20857 posts
Tue Mar-02-21 11:32 AM

Click to send email to this author Click to send private message to this authorClick to view this author's profileClick to add this author to your buddy list
"Advice in the last place I should seek it. OKP"


  

          

I cut out sugar, set up a sustainable workout plan, cut out alcohol, and there have been big improvements.

Last night my wife said jokingly ... "don't do too much, that's the first sign of cheating"

Now, I responded the best way EYE know how ... but I've hand that loaded ass statement lobbed my way my entire adult dating life and never known how to respond to respond to it.

One young women once even told me that I make her feel fat (she was a big girl) just from the fact that I work out.

What success have you had navigating getting shape without making someone you're with feel bad about themselves? My wife hates exercise, so getting her to join me is a immediate losing bet.

------
“There is no fate that cannot be surmounted by scorn.” -Albert Camus

  

Printer-friendly copy | Reply | Reply with quote | Top


Topic Outline
Subject Author Message Date ID
Never found a solid response that works honestly....
Mar 02nd 2021
1
Just don't be THAT dude...
Mar 02nd 2021
2
She is cheating on him. She got a whole new fit man
Mar 02nd 2021
15
      It'd be the hustle of the century, but better people have been fooled
Mar 02nd 2021
21
"Thanks honey -->
Mar 02nd 2021
3
Your home life sounds unstable.
Mar 02nd 2021
4
Yeah? How so?
Mar 02nd 2021
5
i stopped projecting how i think she feels and actually talked through i...
Mar 02nd 2021
6
thank you
Mar 02nd 2021
25
Could you frame it as a hobby
Mar 02nd 2021
7
She knows what it's about. It's just her insecurity bubbling
Mar 02nd 2021
8
      well...technically...
Mar 02nd 2021
11
           nah, THAT'S the kinda comment you DO just let float on by....
Mar 02nd 2021
14
                depends on how and when its said
Mar 02nd 2021
17
Was it just that single comment, or have there been
Mar 02nd 2021
9
My wife is insecure. Low self esteem is a core part of her personality
Mar 02nd 2021
10
      That's difficult then. Like Damali mentioned above - this really isn't
Mar 02nd 2021
13
others insecurities about you improving yourself arent your fault
Mar 02nd 2021
12
What I learned in therapy is avoid pointing a finger and talk about your...
Mar 02nd 2021
16
^^^exactly this.
Mar 02nd 2021
18
man, fuck off for being such a goddamn mature adult about it.
Mar 02nd 2021
19
Here's the thing that, I don't feel any kind of way about it personally
Mar 02nd 2021
20
      That my friend, is a WHOLE notha thing.
Mar 02nd 2021
23
           I love my wife & I'm attracted to her, but bottom line, cheating is work
Mar 02nd 2021
24
                you KNOW that, but thats not how she FEELS
Mar 02nd 2021
26
"would you still love me if I screamed bible verses from the corner?"
Mar 02nd 2021
22
you shoulda flexed when she said it
Mar 02nd 2021
27
I gave her a kiss, told her I loved her and she aint got nothing to worr...
Mar 02nd 2021
28
      words of affirmation, baby...
Mar 02nd 2021
29

FLUIDJ
Member since Sep 18th 2002
43427 posts
Tue Mar-02-21 11:53 AM

Click to send email to this author Click to send private message to this authorClick to view this author's profileClick to add this author to your buddy list
1. "Never found a solid response that works honestly...."
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

It's especially intensified after 2nd child and hitting mid-40's....
8 years in though....I think it's finally clear i'm doing it for myself, my sanity and for them (kids and wife). Got a lot of hereditary stacked against me, trying my best to level the playing field and maybe get an advantage.

also, I bang this real hard during my next workout session:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vOtvdE9PaNQ


  

Printer-friendly copy | Reply | Reply with quote | Top

bigkarma
Charter member
7859 posts
Tue Mar-02-21 11:57 AM

Click to send email to this author Click to send private message to this authorClick to view this author's profileClick to add this author to your buddy list
2. "Just don't be THAT dude..."
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

I have two buddies who recently got fit. One cat, you can see the confidence, he's dressing better, more upbeat...etc.

The other...THAT dude. Posting CrossFit WODs everyday, mirror selfies, humblebrags, every topic includes him talking about being "off that sugar"...you know...THAT dude.

You'll never be able to manage how people feel about themselves in relation to your fitness. Just do your thing. People will notice and respond to the new you accordingly without you drawing attention to it.

...Last night my wife said jokingly ... "don't do too much, that's the first sign of cheating"...

...now that is a potential trap... Your only response to that should be "Naaah..." and keep it moving.

  

Printer-friendly copy | Reply | Reply with quote | Top

    
Duc999
Member since Jun 05th 2009
1533 posts
Tue Mar-02-21 02:36 PM

Click to send email to this author Click to send private message to this authorClick to view this author's profileClick to add this author to your buddy list
15. "She is cheating on him. She got a whole new fit man"
In response to Reply # 2


  

          

  

Printer-friendly copy | Reply | Reply with quote | Top

        
MEAT
Member since Feb 08th 2008
20857 posts
Tue Mar-02-21 03:28 PM

Click to send email to this author Click to send private message to this authorClick to view this author's profileClick to add this author to your buddy list
21. "It'd be the hustle of the century, but better people have been fooled"
In response to Reply # 15


  

          

We got a 3 year old and a 4 month old and we only moved to this state 6 months before quarantining together every single day for 10 months.

Anything is possible. But a lot of things are improbable.

------
“There is no fate that cannot be surmounted by scorn.” -Albert Camus

  

Printer-friendly copy | Reply | Reply with quote | Top

infin8
Charter member
10258 posts
Tue Mar-02-21 11:58 AM

Click to send email to this author Click to send private message to this authorClick to view this author's profileClick to add this author to your buddy list
3. ""Thanks honey -->"
In response to Reply # 0
Tue Mar-02-21 11:59 AM by infin8

  

          

I'll be sure to not improve to much or feel to good about myself to resolve your insecurity issues" but you gotta give it with the same energy.


This might start a fight...but if you tryna better yourself you don't need 'jokes' like this coming from the one that should be supporting you or at least not getting in your way.

Only YOU know what's at stake.

IG: amadu_me

"...Whateva, man..." (c) Redman

  

Printer-friendly copy | Reply | Reply with quote | Top

CIPHA
Charter member
1010 posts
Tue Mar-02-21 12:05 PM

Click to send email to this author Click to send private message to this authorClick to view this author's profileClick to add this author to your buddy listClick to send message via AOL IM
4. "Your home life sounds unstable."
In response to Reply # 0


          

_____________________________________

Let me guess, I can have "good day" now, right?

  

Printer-friendly copy | Reply | Reply with quote | Top

    
MEAT
Member since Feb 08th 2008
20857 posts
Tue Mar-02-21 12:12 PM

Click to send email to this author Click to send private message to this authorClick to view this author's profileClick to add this author to your buddy list
5. "Yeah? How so?"
In response to Reply # 4


  

          

------
“There is no fate that cannot be surmounted by scorn.” -Albert Camus

  

Printer-friendly copy | Reply | Reply with quote | Top

tomjohn29
Member since Oct 18th 2004
16525 posts
Tue Mar-02-21 12:24 PM

Click to send email to this author Click to send private message to this authorClick to view this author's profileClick to add this author to your buddy listClick to send message via AOL IM
6. "i stopped projecting how i think she feels and actually talked through i..."
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

once i talked to her....their were no more issues
i went hard a couple years ago
got the whole family gym memberships
meal planned
got books
my wife fell of the wagon
i didnt
she said that same bullshit in a different way
called her out on it
talked through it
no issue now

______________________________________

Navem nu, cuando sol
Tutu nu, vondo nos nu
Vita em, no continous non
Nos nu ekta nos sepe ta, amen

When the sun shades the ship
We sweat and life is not safe
To swim or to touch not
When we unite we hedge amen

  

Printer-friendly copy | Reply | Reply with quote | Top

    
infin8
Charter member
10258 posts
Tue Mar-02-21 05:24 PM

Click to send email to this author Click to send private message to this authorClick to view this author's profileClick to add this author to your buddy list
25. "thank you"
In response to Reply # 6


  

          

all these "tap-dance-around-the-issue" answers are hilarious.

She said it cause

1) she thinks that's cool in y'all relationship
2) to see if you'll respond

so RESPOND, man. LOL

you're gonna get tired of it sooner or later. just deal with it. it doesn't have to be an angry discussion, but people DO have to own their insecurities. I stopped pump-faking; we're on our 14th year. When you hit your mid 40's you not gonna be tryna hear nunna that shxt. LOL

Peace tho. and ALL DUE RESPECT.

IG: amadu_me

"...Whateva, man..." (c) Redman

  

Printer-friendly copy | Reply | Reply with quote | Top

PimpTrickGangstaClik
Member since Oct 06th 2005
15219 posts
Tue Mar-02-21 12:54 PM

Click to send private message to this authorClick to view this author's profileClick to add this author to your buddy list
7. "Could you frame it as a hobby"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

That's it something you enjoy doing. A stress reliever.

Or frame it around the health benefits. I don't want heart disease/diabetes.

I don't know man. I don't think that insecurity is something you can get around with just a carefully worded explanation

_______________________________________
You ain't the only one whose got problems. You ain't the only one who knows pain. Get up off your ass and just solve them. You still got a chance to try to change, try the shit again.
Devin tha Dude

  

Printer-friendly copy | Reply | Reply with quote | Top

    
MEAT
Member since Feb 08th 2008
20857 posts
Tue Mar-02-21 01:01 PM

Click to send email to this author Click to send private message to this authorClick to view this author's profileClick to add this author to your buddy list
8. "She knows what it's about. It's just her insecurity bubbling"
In response to Reply # 7


  

          

And I'm BAD at helping people work through their insecurities. I'm good at not making it worse, but that has a limit.

------
“There is no fate that cannot be surmounted by scorn.” -Albert Camus

  

Printer-friendly copy | Reply | Reply with quote | Top

        
Damali
Member since Sep 12th 2002
35067 posts
Tue Mar-02-21 01:33 PM

Click to send email to this author Click to send private message to this authorClick to view this author's profileClick to add this author to your buddy list
11. "well...technically..."
In response to Reply # 8


          

>And I'm BAD at helping people work through their
>insecurities.

...that's not your job. and quite honestly, you should not let her get away with that kind of comment, no matter how benign. You should communicate honestly when your partner is attempting to undermine your attempt to take care of your own health...call them out on it every time cuz that kinda shit is not cool in relationships regardless of what insecurities she has.

Your fitness journey is about you and she centered herself. that's not kind or loving at all and she needs to hear that from you, at some point

she should be supportive of you, especially if you've given no other reason for her to suspect you of cheating...so yeah that's some gaslighting ass bullshit


I'm good at not making it worse, but that has a
>limit.

ok..i'm not gonna comment on that lol.

just communicate with your wife, always.

d

"But rest assured, in my luxurious house built on the backs of people darker than me, I am sipping fine scotch and scoffing at how stupid you are." - bshelly

  

Printer-friendly copy | Reply | Reply with quote | Top

            
FLUIDJ
Member since Sep 18th 2002
43427 posts
Tue Mar-02-21 02:17 PM

Click to send email to this author Click to send private message to this authorClick to view this author's profileClick to add this author to your buddy list
14. "nah, THAT'S the kinda comment you DO just let float on by...."
In response to Reply # 11


  

          

ESPECIALLY if you know you on the up and up...
and you know that SHE knows you on the up and up....

Some shit is just said in a relationship as a simple checksum...

Now...if it becomes a recurring theme...then yeah...

"Get ready....for your blessing....."
"Bury me by my Grand-Grand and when you can come follow me"

  

Printer-friendly copy | Reply | Reply with quote | Top

                
Damali
Member since Sep 12th 2002
35067 posts
Tue Mar-02-21 03:08 PM

Click to send email to this author Click to send private message to this authorClick to view this author's profileClick to add this author to your buddy list
17. "depends on how and when its said"
In response to Reply # 14


          

i agree that sometimes you let a comment like that slide...

but what he described, imo, bears some additional discussion.

d

"But rest assured, in my luxurious house built on the backs of people darker than me, I am sipping fine scotch and scoffing at how stupid you are." - bshelly

  

Printer-friendly copy | Reply | Reply with quote | Top

soulfunk
Charter member
9346 posts
Tue Mar-02-21 01:21 PM

Click to send email to this author Click to send private message to this authorClick to view this author's profileClick to add this author to your buddy list
9. "Was it just that single comment, or have there been"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

other signs of insecurity from her? Because I wouldn’t pull too much from that one comment.

I lost 150 lbs a couple years ago, and while my wife never had insecurity issues she definitely had some friends and family in her ear about it - “why is he losing so much weight? Are you sure he isn’t cheating? You better go up to that gym with him to see why he’s up there so much...”

All of that was ridiculous. But if there are other issues present something like this can put a magnifying glass on it. If she actually has issues, try to be self-reflective and examine whether you’ve changed in any way towards her - spending less time with her, talking any differently, not showing intimacy in the same way, etc. Sometimes being more deliberate about the things you are already doing can indirectly help her work through some of the issues she may have herself.

  

Printer-friendly copy | Reply | Reply with quote | Top

    
MEAT
Member since Feb 08th 2008
20857 posts
Tue Mar-02-21 01:26 PM

Click to send email to this author Click to send private message to this authorClick to view this author's profileClick to add this author to your buddy list
10. "My wife is insecure. Low self esteem is a core part of her personality"
In response to Reply # 9


  

          

She rarely ever projects it on me.
It usually just manifests itself into feeling bad about herself and stewing.
And I don't want that. Like I don't want this person either feeling bad about her body or worrying about cheating.

------
“There is no fate that cannot be surmounted by scorn.” -Albert Camus

  

Printer-friendly copy | Reply | Reply with quote | Top

        
soulfunk
Charter member
9346 posts
Tue Mar-02-21 02:06 PM

Click to send email to this author Click to send private message to this authorClick to view this author's profileClick to add this author to your buddy list
13. "That's difficult then. Like Damali mentioned above - this really isn't"
In response to Reply # 10


  

          

on you, so there isn't anything that could be recommended for you to do differently. Just continue to be supportive, have an open mind for the times she might want to talk through things, etc.

  

Printer-friendly copy | Reply | Reply with quote | Top

BrooklynWHAT
Member since Jun 15th 2007
80897 posts
Tue Mar-02-21 01:58 PM

Click to send email to this author Click to send private message to this authorClick to view this author's profileClick to add this author to your buddy list
12. "others insecurities about you improving yourself arent your fault"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

<--- Big Baller World Order

  

Printer-friendly copy | Reply | Reply with quote | Top

Buddy_Gilapagos
Charter member
45885 posts
Tue Mar-02-21 03:06 PM

Click to send email to this author Click to send private message to this authorClick to view this author's profileClick to add this author to your buddy list
16. "What I learned in therapy is avoid pointing a finger and talk about your..."
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

As in, "when you say something like that, it makes me feel..."

You don't have to be accusatory or diagnose her (as in calling out her insecurity) but stick to yourself and how it makes you feel. A good partner would respond to that.


**********
"Everyone has a plan until you punch them in the face. Then they don't have a plan anymore." (c) Mike Tyson

"what's a leader if he isn't reluctant"

  

Printer-friendly copy | Reply | Reply with quote | Top

    
Damali
Member since Sep 12th 2002
35067 posts
Tue Mar-02-21 03:09 PM

Click to send email to this author Click to send private message to this authorClick to view this author's profileClick to add this author to your buddy list
18. "^^^exactly this."
In response to Reply # 16


          


"But rest assured, in my luxurious house built on the backs of people darker than me, I am sipping fine scotch and scoffing at how stupid you are." - bshelly

  

Printer-friendly copy | Reply | Reply with quote | Top

    
double negative
Member since Dec 14th 2007
21760 posts
Tue Mar-02-21 03:25 PM

Click to send email to this author Click to send private message to this authorClick to view this author's profileClick to add this author to your buddy list
19. "man, fuck off for being such a goddamn mature adult about it. "
In response to Reply # 16


  

          

lol.


yes, this is the way. this is the mature way.

***********************************************************
https://soundcloud.com/swageyph/yph-die-with-me

  

Printer-friendly copy | Reply | Reply with quote | Top

    
MEAT
Member since Feb 08th 2008
20857 posts
Tue Mar-02-21 03:26 PM

Click to send email to this author Click to send private message to this authorClick to view this author's profileClick to add this author to your buddy list
20. "Here's the thing that, I don't feel any kind of way about it personally"
In response to Reply # 16


  

          

It's such a young comment and I can see what's "being said."
But ideally I'd like to find a way to up her self esteem without making cheating a referendum on her body or physical choices.

------
“There is no fate that cannot be surmounted by scorn.” -Albert Camus

  

Printer-friendly copy | Reply | Reply with quote | Top

        
Buddy_Gilapagos
Charter member
45885 posts
Tue Mar-02-21 04:10 PM

Click to send email to this author Click to send private message to this authorClick to view this author's profileClick to add this author to your buddy list
23. "That my friend, is a WHOLE notha thing. "
In response to Reply # 20


  

          

I have too many failed attempted trying to help other people overcome their insecurities to remotely give any advice on how to fix that.




**********
"Everyone has a plan until you punch them in the face. Then they don't have a plan anymore." (c) Mike Tyson

"what's a leader if he isn't reluctant"

  

Printer-friendly copy | Reply | Reply with quote | Top

            
MEAT
Member since Feb 08th 2008
20857 posts
Tue Mar-02-21 04:32 PM

Click to send email to this author Click to send private message to this authorClick to view this author's profileClick to add this author to your buddy list
24. "I love my wife & I'm attracted to her, but bottom line, cheating is work"
In response to Reply # 23
Tue Mar-02-21 04:32 PM by MEAT

  

          

Maintaing lies and sneaking around. Hard fucking pass.
And I got other things I'd rather do
I'd leave before I cheated

------
“There is no fate that cannot be surmounted by scorn.” -Albert Camus

  

Printer-friendly copy | Reply | Reply with quote | Top

                
double negative
Member since Dec 14th 2007
21760 posts
Tue Mar-02-21 08:30 PM

Click to send email to this author Click to send private message to this authorClick to view this author's profileClick to add this author to your buddy list
26. "you KNOW that, but thats not how she FEELS"
In response to Reply # 24
Tue Mar-02-21 08:39 PM by double negative

  

          

aye man, feels are reals. I am starting to learn this one.

you could be on the ball, being a loving and present person, but if the FEELINGS of things is off, then there is a whole other battle at hand and that battle might be related to something you can do. Sometimes, that sort of stuff is on your partner's side of the fence. (for the other readers, no, I am not suggesting giving up and saying "thats yo shit!" - but, there is a line that can be crossed where things enter a potentially toxic area where you are overly responsible for your partner's happiness)


I'm a man and that may come with a different set of societal expectations, buuuut, I'm right here dealing with self esteem bullshit from childhood. My wife really really really wishes I could see me the way she sees me, but it's deep work. All the "you're so great!" statements just slide off.

You know what its like? It's like being colorblind and having no sense of smell and everyone around you says

"FUCK. you have got to smell these gotdamn roses. these red motherfuckers right here are the best goddamn smellinest ass red roses. take a whiff my dude."

you know you can't smell them, you know that they are red, so to appease everyone, you lean over take a whiff and say

"yeah, mmm, yeah, red smells good. uh huh."


goddamn, being a human is a slog.


***********************************************************
https://soundcloud.com/swageyph/yph-die-with-me

  

Printer-friendly copy | Reply | Reply with quote | Top

double negative
Member since Dec 14th 2007
21760 posts
Tue Mar-02-21 03:35 PM

Click to send email to this author Click to send private message to this authorClick to view this author's profileClick to add this author to your buddy list
22. ""would you still love me if I screamed bible verses from the corner?""
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

her: ????

you: mental health baby. I was drinking and eating my bad feelings. working out is how I take control of mental health...and I get to look good for you. *mock growl*

her: hmmmph 🤨

you: *jingle pocket change* i got some quarters, you wanna see how hard you can bounce em' off this fit ass?

her: 😮

you: *mock twerk your ass on her, then turn around and hug her from behind, then whisper in a faselto voice* "She's your Queen-to-be"

her: https://media.tenor.com/images/a4033fd7c0fcbe31ae2888aec75fc118/tenor.gif

https://media.giphy.com/media/QLvRBqfLXCphu/giphy.gif

https://media.giphy.com/media/l0ErDBUHkxmSxi40M/giphy.gif

***********************************************************
https://soundcloud.com/swageyph/yph-die-with-me

  

Printer-friendly copy | Reply | Reply with quote | Top

legsdiamond
Member since May 05th 2011
69175 posts
Tue Mar-02-21 09:56 PM

Click to send email to this author Click to send private message to this authorClick to view this author's profileClick to add this author to your buddy list
27. "you shoulda flexed when she said it"
In response to Reply # 0


          

those types of comments can cause arguments or just turn into comedy routines

my wife is the type to say something like this but we got jokes.

but I do my best to make sure my wife knows I love and lust for her regardless of her size.

2 kids in a short amount of time is hard af on a woman’s body.

****************
TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*

  

Printer-friendly copy | Reply | Reply with quote | Top

    
MEAT
Member since Feb 08th 2008
20857 posts
Tue Mar-02-21 10:00 PM

Click to send email to this author Click to send private message to this authorClick to view this author's profileClick to add this author to your buddy list
28. "I gave her a kiss, told her I loved her and she aint got nothing to worr..."
In response to Reply # 27


  

          

About

But that don't make someone feel better. At the end of the day I don't want her to feel bad about her body.

------
“There is no fate that cannot be surmounted by scorn.” -Albert Camus

  

Printer-friendly copy | Reply | Reply with quote | Top

        
Trinity444
Charter member
41506 posts
Tue Mar-02-21 10:33 PM

Click to send private message to this authorClick to view this author's profileClick to add this author to your buddy list
29. "words of affirmation, baby..."
In response to Reply # 28


  

          

I love it, lol

  

Printer-friendly copy | Reply | Reply with quote | Top

Lobby General Discussion topic #13425613 Previous topic | Next topic
Powered by DCForum+ Version 1.25
Copyright © DCScripts.com