peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

Da bayball, babeh. (c) Charlie Kelly.

thank you.


peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

(alternate title)


first thing is old news. second thing is old news. third thing is new, well, as of april.

by the Associative Property of Crazy i should be clean out of my motherfucking mind.

i am going to ramble. i will say things that are insensitive (sorry in advance). iono what i am typing for. maybe it will be cathartic. maybe not. i haven't 'written' written in a minute.

don't cry for me, argentina. i know there are mad ppl who got it worse than i do, and i'm thankful for the life i've lived and what i got. but sometimes life is a bit much, so this is me leaning against a wall and exhaling for a minute. bear with me if you fool w/ me een a little bit.



------------

in april my pop went out to OH for family reunion (his ppls do a big easter egg hunt thing every year). the ancestral homelands for me is a small town in nj. sister lives in md. i rest in nc now.

my mom drives my dad down to md to my sister's crib. my sister and father fly out to OH. (dad is 71. my sister is mid forties).

he doing it up out there. challenging the young nephews to push up contests an shit. he retired after 35+ yrs of coaching and teaching in nj. was a phys ed + health + driver's ed teacher in the high schools and elementary schools.

having big fun. he is one of 7 siblings. 4 have passed. now it's just him, his older brother and baby sis left. all 3 have some chronic health issues.

dad out there over doing it w/ the bottle. he has chilled over the last many years, but had been drinking again of late. he overdid it, holmes (c) epmd.

he was already on blood thinners. and had a heart arrhythmia. after a binge on saturday night, on easter sunday, he develops a persistent nosebleed.

on monday (4/6), when he and my sister are posedta fly back to md, his nose dripping like a faucet. so bad they go to emergency room in the morning. they pack it. he gets on the plane.

flies to md. he smokes a cigarette. it starts bleeding again. profusely. he makes the first of what will be several emergency room visits in md.

over the next week he is in and out of ERs in 3 or 4 different area hospitals. none can stop the bleeding. they try to cauterize the vessels. no dice. they put some balloon in there. no dice.

in the meantime, he has now been up for several days w/o sleeping. when he goes to the hospital, my sister, who has two young (teen and preteen) daughters, and is recently (last couple of years) divorced, stays in the room w/ him.

on saturday, someone calls for an embolization (don't know if it was the ENT's suggestion, or if my sister pushed him into it). i am told (i've been in the loop via phone) that the procedure involves inserting a plastic bead, via catheter, into the artery that is supplying the blood flow to the back of his nose.

i get a call late saturday night... dad had a major stroke on the operating table and very nearly died and is still very close to death.

i drive up on sunday (4 to 5 hrs, depending upon traffic). i damn near teleported up there. the lord kept me from getting a ticket that day.

peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

i get the explanation that in MOST ppl, there are two distinct vascular systems supplying the brain and the face. in a very small percentage of people, there are some connective vessels between the two systems. my dad was one of the lucky few. (yay!)

i'm talking to the neurologist (not the neurosurgeon), who tells me that there was a shower of beads (wtf! i was told 'BEAD' -- SINGULAR) that went up through the catheter and many of them sprayed across those connective vessels and lodged themselves in my father's brain, causing severe damage to his frontal lobe, and other areas.

he has lost the use of the left side of his body. his autonomic stuff is working, but he shows no movement of his left side.

he is in the icu room looking (and smelling) like death. big packs of bloody guaze and bandages are stuffing his nostrils, caked with dried and drying blood. his eyes are wide and glassy, a noticeable droop on the left side of his face. he has all kinds of tubes and shit coming out of him.

ANYONE who knows my father more than a little bit knows his feelings vis a vis death and hospitalization. and i quote "i don't want to be laid up with all kindsa tubes an shit hooked up to me. if any of that happens to me, pull the plug. i'm NOT playing."

i sit and try to talk and comfort him. he's heavily sedated, but there's a glimmer of recognition in his eyes that lets me know he knows i'm there.


peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

I won't trivialize your situation by saying pat encouragements. I don't know what you're going through firsthand. I'm grateful you have siblings and a mom to support each other through this. I can only imagine how hard it is. Please try to keep your head up. Your dad sounds like a soldier and half of you is him. I hope you can lean on the strength he put in you.

Da bayball, babeh. (c) Charlie Kelly.

look at the heart with which words are offered.

*heartfelt blandishments and platitudes graciously accepted here*

emotional beggars can't be choosers, nahmean?


peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

--------------
Daren, I'll never forget you
http://www.fayemurman.com/extras/magee/daren/

So much light being sent your way


"i wanna hug all u idiotic bastards & then set you all on fire" -Bin

www.twitter.com/bedstuybetty
http://bedstuybetty.tumblr.com/
DROkayplayer: Giving you good puff since May '05

threaten suicide.

my sister has SEVERE depression. and always talking ABOUT she got depression.

will stay in bed for days at a time. has had 'issues' in the past. as far back as when she was in college and called she tried to off herself (but it was a bunch of aspirins or some shit. she got temporarily put in a psych ward and decided she wants no parts of that shit).

she is... EXTRA. presents this hyper confident facade to the world and be on some breakdown shit behind closed doors. her sickness is manifesting in her dealings w/ the staff and doctors at the hospital. she quickly studies and picks up on the medical jargon, and is holding conversations with them like she is a medical professional. and every time they say, 'are you in medicine?', she gets off on that, and demurs. she subtly and not-so subtly suggests to them courses of treatment and what kinds of drugs dad should be on.
i'm looking at her side-eyed, as i often do.

my mom has driven down from nj. she often drives down to md to help my sister... clean up her house, take care of her kids, etc, when she is having a mental / emotional crisis.

their relationship is... volatile. oil + water don't even start. my sister (we'll call her lynn, but that's not her real name) will cuss my/her mother out in a minute. and say all kinds of hurtful things to her.

background note: my family life was dichotomous. on the one hand, my parents loved me and my sister. they worked to provide for us and set examples for us and give us guidance. on the other hand, they had a fucked up, mutually emotionally abusive relationship. back in the 70's, when my pop was really hitting the bottle hard, going out to local bars, terrorizing shit and being a badass, and coming home, the arguments would be epic.

and here's where my and my sister's stories diverge.

when my mom and dad would get into arguments, both of them would say that they argued in front of us so there would be honesty and no surprises. as opposed to, i guess, the archetypical white ppl shit where kids be thinking their parents are in love and all the sudden mom or dad is moving out, and the kids wild out. so they were doing us a 'favor' granting us front row seats.

you know how brutal MMA and all that shit is, right? verbally with my mother and father, there was NOTHING off limits. it was some game of death, throwing punches w/ taped gloves dipped in broken glass and metal shards type shit. they would and DID say ANYTHING hurtful that came to mind about each other, their parents, siblings, friends, anyone. at 9 and 10 yrs old, i'm looking at them like, how the fuck could ANYONE say that type of shit about another human being, let alone in front of their kids??!?!?

to my sister, 3 yrs younger, it was a game, and she took sides. by the time she was 9 or 10 she would join in and, being daddy's girl, would jump in on his side. i was switzerland and swayze. after a while, i already knew the time. dad came home 'fired up' (euphemism for drunk and/or high, but it was the liquor that had him going), his eyes would be so red and bloodshot that it was scary. he has this glare that he only uses when he's REALLY heated...

anyway, if he was fired up, i knew the time, i'd go upstairs to my room, shut the door, turn on some music, and read comic books or sci fi novels. go to another world.

my sister would stay down in the middle of it, like some proto-hip hop hype man. soaking up every fucked up detail from their verbal scorched earth battles. she'd selectively ignore the stuff mom would say or relay and take to heart what dad would say.

i left for college (univ of md) in '85-'86. i never gave a thought to what my departure did to the dynamic. by my sophomore year, mom got sick of it and left. she bounced to philly for a year and change.

i didn't realize it but i was indirectly suicidal, and going through depression and self-medication while in school. high academic achiever and athlete and a buncha other shit stuck in a pit of despair manifest through alcohol, mostly, but weed and whatever else i got my hands on. to put in perspective MY lack of fucks given, i first tried coke AFTER len bias died, and i knew him, and was on the yard during that whole ordeal.

anyway, my moms came back eventually, but she was away when my sister got her first period. had chicken pox, and other shit. and my sister has NEVER forgiven her for it. that was part of the drama this past april, when my father was on his deathbed.

ANYTHING my mother says to her, she will do the exact opposite. 'don't put your hand on the stove'. Lynn will douse that shit in gasoline and put it on the stove with a 50 lb weight on top of it.

more background:

i told you my mom is crazy. i don't have enough space on these servers to type out how much, prolly. she is a hoarder. she is paranoid (no, like for REAL for real paranoid -- no bullshit, she would hear a sound while i was on the phone w/ her long distance from school and swear it was either the CIA or the mafia spying on her or me). she has this aim to please combined with the lowest self esteem in teh world which makes her ALWAYS think people are thinking or saying something negative about her. so she reacts out of that. and then people generate real negative feelings.

she is jumpy and hyper hyper HYPER sensitive and extremely socially anxious. this manifests as being so solicitous that it will drive you crazy. this is who she is. my wife has a 48 hr rule with her (cannot be with her for more than 48 hrs without going crazy). my wife has mellowed as she's aged and come to understand why my mom is the way she is. but some off the wall shit that my mom would do almost had me divorced in my first year of marriage.

my father and sister are ATTACK. i guess i am 'RETREAT' or ANALYZE or, more accurately, DETACH, in my approach to conflict. most times, shit jumps off, i'm like, 'i know you ain't talking to me. that shit makes no sense and i got no time for it, so i'm not investing in your bullshit'.

i can do that, to a fault. but it results in less pyrotechnics than my other family members' approaches.

so, my mom comes down to check on her husband. did i mention that, at 71, my dad decided to find some side chick, and call he was going out, unapologetically? BOTH them trifling asses were unfaithful to each other, but moms has gotten religious in her old age. they have been married for 48 yrs, and it is a mystery that neil de grasse tyson could not explain. but they have mostly lived like roommates for about 4 decades, w/ my pop in his basement (man cave before the word was invented), and mom upstairs.

so that is in the background of all of this.



peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

its really hard to have a parent who is difficult to be around
your mom sounds a lot like mine
mine would always make sure i remember how hard she's had to work and how many sacrifices she's made
but yeah, i have had a lot of that verbal emotional abuse
many things said that i feel one shouldnt even say to their worst enemy
a lot of things done that... verge on the unforgiveable.
i had to tell my mom that i couldnt deal with her anymore
because she was literally driving me to either death or madness

all to say i do empathise
this is a terrible terrible situation to have to handle
in addition to your father's health status
there's a level of selfishness and sadism in some of the people we should love and trust the most
that i cant say i know how to handle
i just try and keep on- and try and be hypervigilant on myself
to ensure i dont act the same way.

i dont pray, so thats not something i can help with
but i do believe life is a beautiful thing- even in its hardships
all our experiences are necessary, even when we dont understand them and would rather do without
the choices we are forced to make- with regards to family, are still choices and are valid-
they help us manage the situations we have little control over
so...
its going to be hard, difficult, frustrating etc.
and the outcome might not be what you would have wished for
but we all have to manage this journey as best as we can

so.. all the best. you have so much strength
and thanks so much for sharing.

.
http://perspectivesudans.blogspot.com/
i myself would never want to be god,or even like god.Because god got all these human beings on this planet and i most certainly would not want to be responsible for them, or even have the disgrace that i made them.

>its really hard to have a parent who is difficult to be
>around
>your mom sounds a lot like mine
>mine would always make sure i remember how hard she's had to
>work and how many sacrifices she's made
>but yeah, i have had a lot of that verbal emotional abuse
>many things said that i feel one shouldnt even say to their
>worst enemy
>a lot of things done that... verge on the unforgiveable.
>i had to tell my mom that i couldnt deal with her anymore
>because she was literally driving me to either death or
>madness

that's prolly more my sister's relationship w/ my mom. she doesn't say anything intentionally mean to me. she will say occasionally some slick ish under the guise of niceness. these days she tries to nice or care you to death. but either way, it is very very difficult when there are folks who are supposed to be the closest to you who are extremely hard to talk to or relate to.



>
>all to say i do empathise
>this is a terrible terrible situation to have to handle
>in addition to your father's health status
>there's a level of selfishness and sadism in some of the
>people we should love and trust the most
>that i cant say i know how to handle
>i just try and keep on- and try and be hypervigilant on
>myself
>to ensure i dont act the same way.

exactly. and i see signs of my father, mother and sister in me and try to not go down those same paths. but full disclosure, sometimes i go there. more often i act in reaction to things.

>
>i dont pray, so thats not something i can help with
>but i do believe life is a beautiful thing- even in its
>hardships
>all our experiences are necessary, even when we dont
>understand them and would rather do without
>the choices we are forced to make- with regards to family, are
>still choices and are valid-
>they help us manage the situations we have little control
>over
>so...

appreciated all the same. thank you very much for your heartfelt concern.


>its going to be hard, difficult, frustrating etc.
>and the outcome might not be what you would have wished for
>but we all have to manage this journey as best as we can
>
>so.. all the best. you have so much strength
>and thanks so much for sharing.

thanks again. everyone's support is graciously and warmly received.


peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

and doing a lot of stuff that is getting on my nerves.

my mom is all kinds of conflicted. she and my father 'love' (in quotes) each other. no way you stay together that long without genuine feelings. but not in a marriage kinda way. and i have prayed for years that they would eventually love and fulfill each other in a more traditional sense.

my mom's feelings are somewhere around:

49% true concern
22% schadenfreude over this being side chick + dad's fault
15% annoyed at my sister acting like the wife
14% sure that this is a conspiracy on behalf of the hospital to get money

i tell her there is no time to be bringing up sidechick discussions. fucked up as it was, that's not why we here. it is not helping anything, and it is throwing gasoline on her and my sister's relationship. try to convince her that the hospital is NOT trying to milk dad's insurance dry. having a stroke is fairly serious and MAY require treatment. YES, my sister is borderline creeping me out, too, but we all know she has issues. you and dad were talking divorce less than a month ago, every fucking thing (sorry about the language everyone, but these are my feelings and this is still a heavily redacted, edited adn toned down version of my emotions) about this whole ordeal is gonna be awkward.

she gets super emotional because i seem to be 'against' her (because i am not agreeing w/ every crazy thing she says), and she concludes that nobody wants or needs her and we'd all be better off without her. and maybe she should drive into or off of something.

*deep breath*.

it wasn't until talking this out with my wife later that i realized that i have been living with my mother's tacit and explicit suicide threats for pretty much all my life. as long as i can remember. after i would switzerland out of those arguments, she'd sometimes come, crying, to my room, to complain that dad and lynn were against her, and how unfair it was, and nobody loved her, blah blah. so i guess i was the only one in the house who perceived me as being neutral. dad had lynn on his team, so she de facto saw me as teammom. *sigh*.

but in those times, and others, especially if i pointed out where she was in error or did not cosign some of the especially and unignorably irrational shit she said, she'd hit me with the 'i won't be here for long' / 'well, there's no reason for me to be here' with 'here' understood to be in the land of the living. i actually thought about it, and this has prolly happened hundreds of times. my mom has told me she'd commit suicide and there was some kind of implicit bargain or sanction, contingent upon me agreeing with her or whatever. lmao. i should be out of my fucking mind. i probably am, but just feel sane by comparison.

so anyway, she goes there w/ me. i think it was because i took issue with her saying it would have been better if dad died, because that was what he would have wanted.

i just reread that and it reads every bit of crazy.

i explained to her, slowly:

- I KNOW dad 'don't want to be hooked up to tubes an shit' or a vegetable

- lynn has medical power of atty (signed prior to the operation for embolization), because A) dad's episode happened in her company, and B) you are KNOWN to be completely paranoid and untrusting of ANY medical professional (or auto mechanic or dentist or jewelry repairman...) so it would be insane to give you MPA, but i would FIGHT her if i thought she was doing anything contrary to dad's wishes

- there was no option for 'dad has a stroke on the operating table' -- even his express wishes says that reasonable means should be performed to save his life, and having an operation to stop him from bleeding indefinitely falls under that category, even if the risks of the embolization were not explained to us (my mom and i).

- there is no path, but forward. we can't undo what got us here. he is not on a breathing machine. his body was strong before this happened. there is no plug to pull. please stop discussing a decision that is not there to be made.


i left her downstairs in the lounge and went up to dad's room. i talked to my sister, who was hobbling around on a broken ankle that won't heal, on crutches.

i told her about the convo i had with mom. and that i had to calm mom and level-set her.

then i told lynn that we needed, as a fam, to think through our options going forward. i forget all of the options, but i was relaying the convo w/ mom to her and when i mentioned, matter-of-factly, that one of the options was if dad died, she said 'myname', do NOT say that...

me: say what?

lynn: i'm not going to say it

me: that dad dying is a possible outcome? wtf? that's just common sense

lynn: (hobbling away from me quickly on her crutches) -- I SAID DO NOT SAY THAT!!!! I CAN'T DEAL WITH THAT AND YOU ARE NOT RESPECTING MY WISHES!!!
.
me: the hell? this is normal stuff. and life. how you go from talking like a damn doctor about procedures and protocols an shit and then freaking out at the very mention that dad could die when i clearly said it seemed like one of the lower probabilities. how are we going to make decisions as a family when i can't talk to you about the most basic shit? this makes no sense

lynn: (full melodrama in effect) YOU HAVE *NO* IDEA HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO KEEP IT TOGETHER. EVERY-FUCKING-DAY IS A FUCKING STRUGGLE FOR ME TO FUCKING KEEP GOING. I FUCKING ASKED YOU A SMALL FUCKING THING NOT TO FUCKING SAY THAT AND YOU WENT AND DID IT ANYWAY. DO YOU KNOW THAT I WAS *THIS* CLOSE TO TAKING MYSELF OUT OF HERE JUST LAST WEEK????? IF ANYTHING HAPPENS TO MY DADDY***...

(all the f bombs sound mad gratuitous when she do it. hope i don't sound like that. if so, a thousand thousand pardons).


*** i REALLY hate that 'my daddy' shit because there's an almost implicit 'not your daddy' embedded in it. that's that low level annoying shit that she does.

but, anyway, i drive 5 hrs up to md to be by my possibly dying father's side and my mother and sister manage to hit me with a suicide threat within 2 hrs of my being there. over dumb shit.

i swear, i wanted to just smack everybody.

anyway, she was hopping on crutches adn couldn't get away from me so i followed her to the coffee place and told her that i KNOW she got a buttload of issues, but that we ARE gonna hve to talk. and she is NOT going to be extra mean to mom. (i can't even get started on the vile ish she said to and about her).

she said that her depression don't let her deal with situations like everybody else and that she has limited 'emotional bandwidth' and can't be bothered sugar coating things for me and mom.

i replied that i know she got issues, but having depression does NOT give her carte blanche to be an asshole. i don't expect her to bend over backwards but the very bare human minimum she could do is be civil. and i was gonna call her on it if she crossed the line.

ok. its 247am. i'm going to bed now.

there's a lot in there. feels good to type it out.





peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

>and doing a lot of stuff that is getting on my nerves.
>
>my mom is all kinds of conflicted. she and my father 'love'
>(in quotes) each other. no way you stay together that long
>without genuine feelings. but not in a marriage kinda way. and
>i have prayed for years that they would eventually love and
>fulfill each other in a more traditional sense.
>
>my mom's feelings are somewhere around:
>
>49% true concern
>22% schadenfreude over this being side chick + dad's fault
>15% annoyed at my sister acting like the wife
>14% sure that this is a conspiracy on behalf of the hospital
>to get money
>
>i tell her there is no time to be bringing up sidechick
>discussions. fucked up as it was, that's not why we here. it
>is not helping anything, and it is throwing gasoline on her
>and my sister's relationship. try to convince her that the
>hospital is NOT trying to milk dad's insurance dry. having a
>stroke is fairly serious and MAY require treatment. YES, my
>sister is borderline creeping me out, too, but we all know she
>has issues. you and dad were talking divorce less than a month
>ago, every fucking thing (sorry about the language everyone,
>but these are my feelings and this is still a heavily
>redacted, edited adn toned down version of my emotions) about
>this whole ordeal is gonna be awkward.
>
>she gets super emotional because i seem to be 'against' her
>(because i am not agreeing w/ every crazy thing she says), and
>she concludes that nobody wants or needs her and we'd all be
>better off without her. and maybe she should drive into or off
>of something.
>
>*deep breath*.
>
>it wasn't until talking this out with my wife later that i
>realized that i have been living with my mother's tacit and
>explicit suicide threats for pretty much all my life. as long
>as i can remember. after i would switzerland out of those
>arguments, she'd sometimes come, crying, to my room, to
>complain that dad and lynn were against her, and how unfair it
>was, and nobody loved her, blah blah. so i guess i was the
>only one in the house who perceived me as being neutral. dad
>had lynn on his team, so she de facto saw me as teammom.
>*sigh*.
>
>but in those times, and others, especially if i pointed out
>where she was in error or did not cosign some of the
>especially and unignorably irrational shit she said, she'd hit
>me with the 'i won't be here for long' / 'well, there's no
>reason for me to be here' with 'here' understood to be in the
>land of the living. i actually thought about it, and this has
>prolly happened hundreds of times. my mom has told me she'd
>commit suicide and there was some kind of implicit bargain or
>sanction, contingent upon me agreeing with her or whatever.
>lmao. i should be out of my fucking mind. i probably am, but
>just feel sane by comparison.
>
>so anyway, she goes there w/ me. i think it was because i took
>issue with her saying it would have been better if dad died,
>because that was what he would have wanted.
>
>i just reread that and it reads every bit of crazy.
>
>i explained to her, slowly:
>
>- I KNOW dad 'don't want to be hooked up to tubes an shit' or
>a vegetable
>
>- lynn has medical power of atty (signed prior to the
>operation for embolization), because A) dad's episode happened
>in her company, and B) you are KNOWN to be completely paranoid
>and untrusting of ANY medical professional (or auto mechanic
>or dentist or jewelry repairman...) so it would be insane to
>give you MPA, but i would FIGHT her if i thought she was doing
>anything contrary to dad's wishes
>
>- there was no option for 'dad has a stroke on the operating
>table' -- even his express wishes says that reasonable means
>should be performed to save his life, and having an operation
>to stop him from bleeding indefinitely falls under that
>category, even if the risks of the embolization were not
>explained to us (my mom and i).
>
>- there is no path, but forward. we can't undo what got us
>here. he is not on a breathing machine. his body was strong
>before this happened. there is no plug to pull. please stop
>discussing a decision that is not there to be made.
>
>
>i left her downstairs in the lounge and went up to dad's room.
>i talked to my sister, who was hobbling around on a broken
>ankle that won't heal, on crutches.
>
>i told her about the convo i had with mom. and that i had to
>calm mom and level-set her.
>
>then i told lynn that we needed, as a fam, to think through
>our options going forward. i forget all of the options, but i
>was relaying the convo w/ mom to her and when i mentioned,
>matter-of-factly, that one of the options was if dad died, she
>said 'myname', do NOT say that...
>
>me: say what?
>
>lynn: i'm not going to say it
>
>me: that dad dying is a possible outcome? wtf? that's just
>common sense
>
>lynn: (hobbling away from me quickly on her crutches) -- I
>SAID DO NOT SAY THAT!!!! I CAN'T DEAL WITH THAT AND YOU ARE
>NOT RESPECTING MY WISHES!!!
>.
>me: the hell? this is normal stuff. and life. how you go from
>talking like a damn doctor about procedures and protocols an
>shit and then freaking out at the very mention that dad could
>die when i clearly said it seemed like one of the lower
>probabilities. how are we going to make decisions as a family
>when i can't talk to you about the most basic shit? this makes
>no sense
>
>lynn: (full melodrama in effect) YOU HAVE *NO* IDEA HOW HARD
>IT IS FOR ME TO KEEP IT TOGETHER. EVERY-FUCKING-DAY IS A
>FUCKING STRUGGLE FOR ME TO FUCKING KEEP GOING. I FUCKING ASKED
>YOU A SMALL FUCKING THING NOT TO FUCKING SAY THAT AND YOU WENT
>AND DID IT ANYWAY. DO YOU KNOW THAT I WAS *THIS* CLOSE TO
>TAKING MYSELF OUT OF HERE JUST LAST WEEK????? IF ANYTHING
>HAPPENS TO MY DADDY***...
>
>(all the f bombs sound mad gratuitous when she do it. hope i
>don't sound like that. if so, a thousand thousand pardons).
>
>
>*** i REALLY hate that 'my daddy' shit because there's an
>almost implicit 'not your daddy' embedded in it. that's that
>low level annoying shit that she does.
>
>but, anyway, i drive 5 hrs up to md to be by my possibly dying
>father's side and my mother and sister manage to hit me with a
>suicide threat within 2 hrs of my being there. over dumb shit.
>
>
>i swear, i wanted to just smack everybody.
>
>anyway, she was hopping on crutches adn couldn't get away from
>me so i followed her to the coffee place and told her that i
>KNOW she got a buttload of issues, but that we ARE gonna hve
>to talk. and she is NOT going to be extra mean to mom. (i
>can't even get started on the vile ish she said to and about
>her).
>
>she said that her depression don't let her deal with
>situations like everybody else and that she has limited
>'emotional bandwidth' and can't be bothered sugar coating
>things for me and mom.
>
>i replied that i know she got issues, but having depression
>does NOT give her carte blanche to be an asshole. i don't
>expect her to bend over backwards but the very bare human
>minimum she could do is be civil. and i was gonna call her on
>it if she crossed the line.
>
>ok. its 247am. i'm going to bed now.
>
>there's a lot in there. feels good to type it out.
>

Untangling that sort of historical emotional mess is hard enough under normal circumstances. We know this because if untangling was easy, it would have been done already. Severe illness pulls indiscriminately on the threads and reinforces the intractability of the tangle. Seen it a lot at work dealing with families where siblings aren't doing so well but parents have some assets behind them. Not every battle that ought to be won can be won. Try your best, but remember that part about accepting the things that you can't change (at least not yet, or not now).

Hope the venting's helped. Good to let it out somehow.

Love and prayers family.

Just IMO though.

>Untangling that sort of historical emotional mess is hard
>enough under normal circumstances. We know this because if
>untangling was easy, it would have been done already. Severe
>illness pulls indiscriminately on the threads and reinforces
>the intractability of the tangle. Seen it a lot at work
>dealing with families where siblings aren't doing so well but
>parents have some assets behind them. Not every battle that
>ought to be won can be won. Try your best, but remember that
>part about accepting the things that you can't change (at
>least not yet, or not now).
>
>Hope the venting's helped. Good to let it out somehow.
>
>Love and prayers family.
>

'untangling'. i like that phrasing. consider it stolen.

yeah. this untangling is something else.

the thing about picking battles is huge. i'm usually the biggest pick your battles type dude. and try to be here. i could literally have a battle with EVERY sentence spoken to either my mom or my sister if i chose to. i ignore a gang of stuff.

just had convos w/ both of them (independently, of course), with both of them asking me to check the other one, or keep tabs on them. shit is exhausting.

my sister has NO conception of forgiveness. and my mom takes offense at damn near every conceivable word or inflection. and my sister has NO chill. and my mom can't let anything pass without interpreting it as directed toward her.

my wife asked how things went today i said,

"i had a decent convo w/ lynn. dad and mom had a blowup. then lynn and mom had a blowup. good times."



peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

>'untangling'. i like that phrasing. consider it stolen.

Heh. not mine to take. Our family has been tied up in some of its own issues. Pulled enough threads to know how difficult tangles are.

>
>yeah. this untangling is something else.
>
>the thing about picking battles is huge. i'm usually the
>biggest pick your battles type dude. and try to be here. i
>could literally have a battle with EVERY sentence spoken to
>either my mom or my sister if i chose to. i ignore a gang of
>stuff.

I'll bet you do. I just hope you give yourself a break about the choices you make. Sometimes people who strive to do right are hard on themselves when the outcome isn't as right as their actions/choice of words deserves.

>
>just had convos w/ both of them (independently, of course),
>with both of them asking me to check the other one, or keep
>tabs on them. shit is exhausting.
>
>my sister has NO conception of forgiveness. and my mom takes
>offense at damn near every conceivable word or inflection. and
>my sister has NO chill. and my mom can't let anything pass
>without interpreting it as directed toward her.


Trying to patch up self harmers... exhaustion, frustration, any number of draining emotions. Add to that what feels like the defensiveness of people who know they've done wrong to the other combined with the need to protect themselves from the wrongs the other means to do to them. How do you chill when any give either hurts yourself or lets the other side hurt you? How can you have the courage to look at yourself and change in the face of a loved one who can hurt you and has no intention of changing themselves?

And you caught in the middle trying to combat medic the whole thing. The battlefield's no place for complete convalescence.

Which is not to say that there can't be progress or breakthroughs, but that the limitations of the setting need to be remembered during the stalemates and the setbacks.

>
>my wife asked how things went today i said,
>
>"i had a decent convo w/ lynn. dad and mom had a blowup. then
>lynn and mom had a blowup. good times."
>

I imagine that perceiving exactly how much you mitigate the negativity is difficult. Being there and trying still sends an important message.

Just IMO though.

i was going to text you on your bday, but got caught up.

i am sorry to read all of this. i was hoping that you and your family were doing well. i pray that you stay strong. know you have another one in your corner. holla at me.

<--- Peace to Bayete Ross-Smith.

>i was going to text you on your bday, but got caught up.

np. i been meant to email or call you.

i'm the most derelict cat as far as maintaining friendships and whatnot.


>i am sorry to read all of this. i was hoping that you and your
>family were doing well. i pray that you stay strong. know you
>have another one in your corner. holla at me.

no doubt. and much appreciated.

we actually are, in a lot of ways, doing well. and lots of challenges in other ways. things are tough. but overall, we still been truly blessed.


peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

That's a lot to deal with at such a stressful time.

Peace to everyone involved & you know this but please take care of yourself during all the chaos.

i been reading philippians 4: 6-7 constantly.

it's a comfort. and a blessing.


peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

.

http://perspectivesudans.blogspot.com/
instagram:@3rdworldview
Blessed be the Lord /who believe any mess they read up on the message board

peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

Thanks for sharing that. My family dynamics are different, but no less volatile and totally dysfunctional. It is truly amazing that people like you and I aren't out our minds. In 2010, when my dad died and my family crazy was on full display, I came here and you posted comforting things.

All I can say is that young Poetx made it (scars and all)..... some how. And if he can, we can.

Peace & God Speed.


Everybody's got a lil light unda the sun....

>Thanks for sharing that. My family dynamics are different,
>but no less volatile and totally dysfunctional. It is truly
>amazing that people like you and I aren't out our minds.

word. i need to thank God for this every day. sanity is underrated.

In
>2010, when my dad died and my family crazy was on full
>display, I came here and you posted comforting things.

i only vaguely remember that, but i'm glad if i said or wrote anything that was helpful to you in your tough times. and thank you for being an e-shoulder for me to lean on now.

>
>All I can say is that young Poetx made it (scars and all).....
>some how. And if he can, we can.

word. that's partially why i'm sharing. idk what my persona is considered to be on here any more, but i feel that in addition to me venting, maybe something hidden in all the crazy may be helpful or beneficial.

if anything, i can offer to pray for them as well as try to lend any type of support that i can.


>
>Peace & God Speed.
>
>
>Everybody's got a lil light unda the sun....


peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

Stay up

i should disclaimer this shit to indicate that i'm only self-allegedly not batshit my damn self.


peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

.

peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

I hope things get better. And as someone who has used OKP to vent, I totally understand. We got your back when you just need to get ish out.

And I really do hope your dad gets better and that your mom and sister keep the crazy to a minimum.

"We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents" - Bob Ross

"I'm wearing a MSU Tshirt because I went to MSU, you are wearing a UM Tshirt because you went to Walmart!" -unknown.

http://bjsquirrelchronicles.blogspot.com

>I hope things get better. And as someone who has used OKP to
>vent, I totally understand. We got your back when you just
>need to get ish out.



thanks so much.


>
>And I really do hope your dad gets better and that your mom
>and sister keep the crazy to a minimum.

today i had on my ref shirt for about 2 hrs, before sending them to different corners.

mom mused about killing herself again today. because i didn't take a (her) side in her blowup w/ my sister today. and my sister was not thrilled when she talked to me about mom and i pointed out shit that she does that is similar (she talked about mom irritating dad by talking to him like a child and i mentioned that she be on some babytalk shit, too, and that is annoying and patronizing). looking back, i'm surprised that comment flew w/o starting a huge fight, but i think she really appreciates me taking shifts watching dad so she can go sleep or do other stuff.

i'll take that as a small 'w'.



peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

shit was tough to see...

hoping/praying for the best for you.

-------------------
I wanna go to where the martyrs went
the brown figures on the walls of my apart-a-ment...

that must be heartbreaking.

and a few folks from church were going through that season not too long ago.

but to actually go through it. seeing your pop wilding out like a 200 lb 2 yr old. it's... something else.

i'm so sorry about your grandpa. sounds like that was a very hard situation, and i thank you for your concern about me and my family.


peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

Running around like it's "nekkid time!" (c) Dana Carvey Yeah, my grandfather went through that at some point. Seeing your parents/grandparents go through that is not the easiest thing to go through. I feel your pain. Just understand that sometimes you are going to have to treat him like a kid (just try not to talk to him like one, because sometimes they have moments of clarity). And, I know how hard that is.

"We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents" - Bob Ross

"I'm wearing a MSU Tshirt because I went to MSU, you are wearing a UM Tshirt because you went to Walmart!" -unknown.

http://bjsquirrelchronicles.blogspot.com

I'm just here to offer hugs.

peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

sorry that you're dealing with this

Surround yourself with those people who love and appreciate you as much as possible.

Praying for you man

i appreciate it.


peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

domestic violence...
im here comforting the family
(something I learned from my mother)
emotions all over the place

They won't eat, sleep nothing...

peace & blessing to you my dear friend
be strong and of good courage

that's terrible.

my prayers go out to the family, too.

and thank you.


peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

www.royallegacy.org

For Real (Official Video):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hBRoCPO8esE

peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

my dad was already on blood thinners because he has an irregular heartbeat (too slow). then he had the incessant bleeding for a week straight. then he had a stroke.

for the bleeding and the stroke, you need to thicken the blood (or at least cease thinning). for the arrhythmia you need to thin it.

they discontinued the thinners and then in a couple of days he started having VTACHs (rapid heartbeats) and his heart stopped beating a few times one night.

at this time i was back in nc, because i thought he was just recovering from the stroke. so now he's in the hospital for a couple more weeks and they decide he needs a pacemaker.

this basically became a med school problem of how to keep him alive when he had multiple potentially fatal conditions which required contradictory treatment.

fortunately, the embolization surgery at least stopped the nosebleeds, so that was off the table as far as issues.

i was banging my head on the wall after talking w/ my mom regarding giving dad a temporary feeding tube and explaining why that was not contrary to his wishes (he had given MPA to my sister prior to the surgery and indicated that he did not want to be a vegetable or on life support, but that he did want reasonable stuff done to save his life).

i had to explain to her that the only reason they needed to put a tube in his stomach was because they could not run a tube down his esophagus for fear of causing him to start bleeding (since he already had all types of stuff going on in his nose and whatnot.)

then i had a blowup w/ my sister because she didn't tell me when some procedure was gonna be done. just reread the texts. that shit was horrible.



peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

*darren ain't my real name*.


those phrases are gonna be echoing in my head for a long time. when dad is agitated, he starts saying those things, increasingly louder. they are like tics.

he is in a hurry to go somewhere.

i TRY not to read into those too much (themes of travel are common to folks on the door of death). they just as easily apply to 'get me the hell outta this hospital and this non-working body and brain'.

still, it's unsettling, when dealt with for 12 hrs straight, with maybe 5 minutes of sleep and quiet intervening.

the fixation with defecation is a combo of the dementia / brain damage / drug fogginess / infection as much as an actual imperative. going into today dad hadn't pooped in 2 days. this was becoming increasingly important to him.

2 days ago, out of the blue he said, 'this is not an easy proposition'. i txted my wife that i was not sure if this was in reference to the overall situation or the fact that he needed a dookie.


peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

was drugged out of his mind by the 5 star (nothing but the best for my daddy) sub-acute facility my sister had found for him. really not a shot at her (except for the insistence that he can only receive care at some place rated top of the line, as if that's the only criteria).

truth is, they were more geared for physical rehab. the dementia symptoms were throwing them off, and they responded by (over)prescribing psych meds.

dad was released from the hospital following the stroke and vtach and pacemaker surgery back in early may to an acute care facility. he was there for about a month, receiving PT (physical therapy), OT (occupational therapy) and speech therapy. he showed good progress, getting to the point of being able to stand and take a couple of assisted steps holding parallel bars, and to self-feed.

then he went to the sub-acute place, which is where he was for another month and a half to two months. (time is a blur for me). he started the first 2 mos off strong there, and then he got an infection (UTI) which made him buggy, and then a cycle of decline started.

UTIs in elderly dementia patients make them bug out. they hallucinate, get aggy, and show all kinds of behaviors. my wife worked part time as a elderly care assistant (kind of a babysitter for old people) last year and she would tell me all the stories of her clients. they were at turns HILARIOUS and heartbreaking.

for the ones in nursing facilities, one of the big things was 'sundowning' or sundown psychosis, when all the dementia patients would start bugging in the late afternoon / early evening. ppl that were acting perfectly fine start taking off their clothes. one old black woman was giving lap dances to old white men and doing booty dances in their faces while they were in wheelchairs. real off the wall shit. some moaned. some cursed. some hallucinated.

any way, in talking w/ my dad over the phone as well as seeing him when i was visiting, he was exhibiting more of these behaviors. my sister always characterizes him as having 'blah blah blah frontal lobe damage'. and makes a point of saying he does NOT have dementia, to the point of contradicting me.

dementia is a set of symptoms whose underlying cause is brain trauma, whether physical (stroke) or due to a disease, like alzheimer's. same shit.

5 star place was not set up to deal w/ dementia (or dementia-like frontal lobe damaged patients, in case lynn is reading) patients, so they freaked out when he'd take his clothes off in the cafeteria and stuff like that. and they responded by medicating him.

when my mom would visit (she is 68 and drives down to md every other week, generally when my sister has custody of her girls), she would remark that they were doing less and less PT, OT and ST, and that dad would only be able to do about 10 min of therapy before getting groggy and /or going to sleep, because of the drugs. which is bullshit.

combination of nj retirement blue cross blue shield and medicare ain't paying for that half-assed care.

again, infections also (can) adversely impact cognition and the combination of infections, the psych meds and the antibiotics (which can also have pyschological side effects) was making it almost impossible for my dad to make progress in therapy and he was going backwards.

last wednesday he was so out of it that the staff was scared and called the ambulance, and that's how he got to this hospital stint. they found out that he was deydrated, to boot. (so that's now 5 different things messing w/ my dad's mind). and got him talking about doo doo and LETS GO!

night before last he got mad at me because i wouldn't turn the tv to patti labelle on the zumba channel. i played along as long as i could (i didn't know patti labelle was on zumba). he called a nurse on the pager thing to ask her who patti sang that song with. nurse was like, ???

that was funny. but then he started shouting as i repeatedly failed to put it on the zumba channel.

the night before he was explainign to me that in order to turn the tv off i had to turn it OFF. and then it would go off. but not until it was OFF.

i'm hitting the off button and he telling me i'm not doing it right.

and when i wouldn't pull him out of bed when he said 'Let's GO!' i was keeping him from helping God save the people who were put here to help the anti-semetics. *smh*.



if i wasn't crazy before, yo...


peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

heart.

cardiologist says this is needed to find source of the infection(s).

enterococcus faecelli or something close to that.

have to put an ultrasound device onto a catheter and slide it down his esophagus and use it to take a picture of the back of his heart.

they need to do this to see if there is damage to his heart from this infection and if the pacemaker is the site of infection. if so, he will need to be on a heavy battery of iv antibiotics for 5 to 6 weeks and then will need replacement surgery, which is risky.

i don't quite know what i'm praying for for tomorrow. but please lift up my dad and the results of the test and wisdom of the doctors.


peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

My grandmother has dementia. I need to visit her. Ive been avoiding it because, well...i think its easier to think others are treating her well, and she is getting better. I need to see it for myself.

She recently had a UTI. she claimed that when the nurses were changing her they were raping her. Yeah.
🙋
Music is almost everything.

My mother has dementia..had a stroke about 4 years ago that took the dementia to another level..she has congestive heart failure...she's had 2 heart attacks in the last year.... She's actually in the hospital right now with an irregular heartbeat....


the one thing I'm going to tell you...

It doesn't get easier...but it does get easier to deal with. Trust me. Nothing good about your parents getting ill..it tests you..it tests you in every way... But you'll gain strength..and you'll be able to handle things as they evolve. You pray for God's mercy...and strength... and he'll give it you.

>My mother has dementia..had a stroke about 4 years ago that
>took the dementia to another level..she has congestive heart
>failure...she's had 2 heart attacks in the last year....
>She's actually in the hospital right now with an irregular
>heartbeat....

i'm very sorry to hear that, and will pray for her, as well.

>
>
>the one thing I'm going to tell you...
>
>It doesn't get easier...but it does get easier to deal with.
>Trust me. Nothing good about your parents getting ill..it
>tests you..it tests you in every way... But you'll gain
>strength..and you'll be able to handle things as they evolve.
>You pray for God's mercy...and strength... and he'll give it
>you.

for real.

be anxious for nothing. in all things, with prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God and the Peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. - Phil 4: 6 - 7

i been wearing those verses out the last couple of months.

that peace is so necessary.


peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

======================================
http://www.zuitomedia.com/

peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

Stay up.

fuck you.

i just hope that i'm helping.

and try to stay self-aware enough to not retaliate for every jab or slight.

thanks.


peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

good on you for being there for your folks when they need you. prayers for peace.

>good on you for being there for your folks when they need
>you. prayers for peace.

i'm just trying to do my part. heavy lifting has been my sister and my mom.

i've not gotten up here as much as i've wanted to and prolly feel some kinda way about that. but i do feel like it has been helpful for me to be here this time.



peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

I'm truly in awe of how strong you're being...keep trying to stay level headed.

When my grandfather passed in '08 (the patriarch of the family), there were a ton of squabbles, and my mom (who was a daddy's girl) nearly broke down, but appreciated how strong me and my brother were. Because HER brothers (and their various wives and mistresses) were causing a ton of drama.

Add in a bunch of cousins with their shit and it adds up to too much stress.

I'm really sorry you're dealing with this, and praying for your pops to pull through. Keep strong homey

>I'm truly in awe of how strong you're being...keep trying to
>stay level headed.

i'm trying. thank you very much for the encouragement. this analytical shit is a blessing and a curse. sometimes i'm near dissociated, i be so above it all. (must be okp training). in times like this the emotional distance is helpful. necessary, even.


>
>When my grandfather passed in '08 (the patriarch of the
>family), there were a ton of squabbles, and my mom (who was a
>daddy's girl) nearly broke down, but appreciated how strong me
>and my brother were. Because HER brothers (and their various
>wives and mistresses) were causing a ton of drama.

wow. when the matriarch or patriarch go, there's bound to be some stuff. that's good that you and your brothers were able to hold it down. when stuff happens in the family, its imperative that SOMEbody step up and be supportive.

and family drama (especially fighting after funerals) is among the most disappointing, but probably predictable tragedies. instead of not being able to chill for such an occasion, some people treat it as the prime oppty to show out.

>
>Add in a bunch of cousins with their shit and it adds up to
>too much stress.
>
>I'm really sorry you're dealing with this, and praying for
>your pops to pull through. Keep strong homey

thanks so much!


peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

There are elements of your story I definitely recognize. Just make sure, in the midst of all this, you're taking time to care for yourself. It's necessary when dealing with deluges of crazy; I speak from experience.

http://soundcloud.com/forestbrooks

>There are elements of your story I definitely recognize. Just
>make sure, in the midst of all this, you're taking time to
>care for yourself. It's necessary when dealing with deluges of
>crazy; I speak from experience.

i'm trying to and i appreciate the advice. and i pray peace to you and yours for any situations you're going through or have been through. being around hurt and broken people takes a toll.

peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

that a person as incredible as yourself came through such a challenging childhood. You triumphed!

My sympathy to you and your Father. That is rough and I understand far too well what a nightmare it is.

“Your body is not a temple, it’s an amusement park. Enjoy the ride.” Anthony Bourdain

>that a person as incredible as yourself came through such a
>challenging childhood. You triumphed!

so far so good. and i started to deflect that compliment and then realized that's probably off-putting, so i'll just *man courtsie* and say thanks. :-D

>
>My sympathy to you and your Father. That is rough and I
>understand far too well what a nightmare it is.
>
>
thank you very much.

and how are you these days? haven't seen you around.


peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

***
when I come around, they frown
then wanna dap me down
but when I leave?

peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

and now my aunt
it's hard

does that make you afraid that you'll get it?

i pray that your family has peace and strength through this. it's a very tough road and there are people who've been on it for YEARS.


peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

yo, if you wonder whether or not it's worth venting/sharing, trust me, it is. because it's good to know everyone's family is dealing ith some level of mess.

I'm watching my stepdad go through it, and he and his brother are relatively steady people, and it's STILL hard.



www.engadgethd.com - the other stuff i'm looking at

>yo, if you wonder whether or not it's worth venting/sharing,
>trust me, it is. because it's good to know everyone's family
>is dealing ith some level of mess.

thanks for stating that. i'm reading this and its wild how many people have been touched by either dementia or the family crazy / drama.

and 'we' tend to not talk about stuff like this. it is encouraging, even if only in a 'strength in numbers' kind of way, to know i'm not alone in this. with as many ppl here, i guess we do got a ready-made, multi-purpose support group.

several years ago, in my church small group, there were two people going through it w/ their parents. they were older than me at the time, and i recall being shook like, is THIS what i got to look forward to?

but it was still good that i had that exposure because this is not a complete and utter shock as it otherwise would be. and my wife working that job last year opened my eyes a LOT to the stuff that seniors be going through.

>
>I'm watching my stepdad go through it, and he and his brother
>are relatively steady people, and it's STILL hard.
>

man. prayers and well wishes for your stepdad and all the rest of the family helping him through it. glad he has a support structure.


peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

only read a couple post but i see you are going through alot.

what part of nj u from might i ask?

im from nj too. deptford area.

>only read a couple post but i see you are going through
>alot.
>
>what part of nj u from might i ask?

pleasantville. most ironically named place, evar.

>
>im from nj too. deptford area.

way back in the day i spent a minute or two in deptford. i remember they had the deptford mall. and there was a skating rink, too, where they threw parties.

that stuff prolly ancient history now.



peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

>>only read a couple post but i see you are going through
>>alot.
>>
>>what part of nj u from might i ask?
>
>pleasantville. most ironically named place, evar.

ok pleasantville. Been through there a couple of times. Down by Atlantic City. You must went have to the beach alot back then since u were so close. I think thats where beanie sigel got shot recently in pleasantville.
>
>>
>>im from nj too. deptford area.
>
>way back in the day i spent a minute or two in deptford. i
>remember they had the deptford mall. and there was a skating
>rink, too, where they threw parties.
>
>that stuff prolly ancient history now.

The mall and the skating rink is still there. They have built up so much around the mall. They added about 10 more eateries around it like bonefish grill, outback, red lobster, olive garden, longhorn steakhouse and a host of other specialty stores and plazas you might not even recognize it anymore.

But everything is still there and more.


Hang in there with you and your family.

Prayers sent.

>>>only read a couple post but i see you are going through
>>>alot.
>>>
>>>what part of nj u from might i ask?
>>
>>pleasantville. most ironically named place, evar.
>
>ok pleasantville. Been through there a couple of times. Down
>by Atlantic City. You must went have to the beach alot back
>then since u were so close.

when i was waaay younger. then the beach was all cigarette butts and syringes and we stopped effing w/ it. went to the lake more than the beach. i love beaches in other cities. not AC. but yeah, we right next to AC. same ish. my young summers were spent walking up and down the boardwalk, trying to holler at honies from out of town there on vacation.

I think thats where beanie sigel
>got shot recently in pleasantville.

yeah. i remember reading that and thinking. well. yup. ppl crazy. or crazier.


>>
>>>
>>>im from nj too. deptford area.
>>
>>way back in the day i spent a minute or two in deptford. i
>>remember they had the deptford mall. and there was a skating
>>rink, too, where they threw parties.
>>
>>that stuff prolly ancient history now.
>
>The mall and the skating rink is still there. They have built
>up so much around the mall. They added about 10 more eateries
>around it like bonefish grill, outback, red lobster, olive
>garden, longhorn steakhouse and a host of other specialty
>stores and plazas you might not even recognize it anymore.
>
>But everything is still there and more.

that's cool. glad to know that stuff is still there and flourishing. AC was always a pop up town outside of atlantic and pacific ave and the boardwalk. and the casinos wasn't shit from the beginning. but now that they closing left and right, the misery is accelerating.


>
>
>Hang in there with you and your family.
>
>Prayers sent.

thank you so much
>
>


peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

Praying you have the strength to 'hold your mule' during these trying times. Being the strong one makes people think you don't need support or a shoulder to lean on. That's your daddy too.

I have to chuckle that you are apologizing for cussing on dis here message board.

How is your son's app doing?

>Praying you have the strength to 'hold your mule' during
>these trying times. Being the strong one makes people think
>you don't need support or a shoulder to lean on. That's your
>daddy too.

thank you. i been good, tho. got a good network behind me. and mad ppl lifting me up on the daily. but you right.


>
>I have to chuckle that you are apologizing for cussing on dis
>here message board.

i was sooooo angry when i started. and then transcribing my sisters melodramatic rant got me looking like *screwface*. i hope *I* don't sound like that.

>
>How is your son's app doing?

doing well. pilot went well. had to pivot on our release strategy and a lot of stuff. and this going down in april (my dad's situation) has taken some of my energy that would otherwise have been focused here.

i'll do an update poast. specially since it's time for a new (FALL) semester. we got to make it happen over the next couple weeks.

thanks for asking.



peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

he had an ultrasound of his heart via catheter (put a little ultrasound thingy on the cath and put it down his esophagus) in order to get pics of the back of his heart in order to determine the source of infection.

they determined that he does have endocarditis (infection in the heart, in his case, in 3 of 4 valves), but that the leads to his pacemaker are NOT infected.

that's great news, because if the pacemaker were the site or source of infection, it would have to be replaced, which is a very risky and intensive surgery (done in another facility, with an even higher level cardiologist).

the infection can be treated with 5 - 6 wks of heavy antibiotics, and is a relatively routine thing. so praise God for that.

a lot of ground has been covered since friday when he came in and could have potentially died due to all the complications he had going on (potential for kidney failure due to toxicity from over medication + antibiotics + severe dehydration).

more praiseworthy, my sister was having almost a complete breakdown in the lounge after my dad went under anesthesia. like, full on, rocking back and forth, compulsive motions with her hands (almost OCD-ish), uncontrollable tears, etc.

how in the world is that good?

just 10 min prior she was in full facade mode and talking shop with the anesthesiologist when the cardiologist walked in. i passed up the opportunity to refer to her as 'doctor lynn' to him.

once she was away from them and dad, and thought about it she just fell apart. through tears she told me that she felt so bad because she'd researched the rehab center and it was 5 star and she had been going there every day (and staying in hospital around the clock), and how she signed the paperwork for the embolization surgery back in april and it said only 2% chance of stroke... everything was hitting her at once.

and i told her that her efforts had been superhuman. there was no possible way she should have been able to spend as much timexetrying to make sure dad was taken care of. but that that was the point. there is no possible way that she could bear up under all of that. and no matter how competent or exceptional she is or thinks she is, there is NO WAY to control or force the outcome.

thinking otherwise lands her in this place of guilt and regret and powerlessness. i told her regardless of our issues (which aren't that bad in the big scheme of things) that i love her unconditionally and know that she's done the best that could be done for dad. but, it was time for her to recognize that this was way bigger than her, and let God (and everyone else) handle it. and find peace in that. i thanked her that she let me see her like that. because she keeps up that facade, and i knew she was hurting, but i had no avenue to comment or offer comfort.

and i told her that one of the last things Jesus did was to wash his disciples' feet, which was one of the most filthy and lowly tasks in that culture, and which freaked them out. they had been out, empowered to heal people in His name, and here they were allowing God, himself, to wash their feet. even servants have to realize that sometimes they need to let others serve them. and they always have to remember that there are some tasks that are God-sized.

lastly, i told her that i had talked w/ dad over the last couple of days and was satisfied that he knew christ, understood salvation, and was saved. i, my fam, my church, and others have been praying about this for YEARS. dad used to be openly hostile to the concept. i never pushed it. i just quietly did my thing, and would share here and there. regardless of anything, that's the biggest miracle in my eyes.

anyway, i told her that once i knew that, i had peace. because dad is going to win, regardless. to live is Christ, and to die is gain...

that doesn't mean i stop working and trying to help and improve his situation. it's just that i do so with only the amount of burden that i can personally carry.

no telling whether what i said to her sunk in or registered. but i was blessed to have the opportunity. and i told her that we'd been praying for her for years, also. even the infection was a blessing, or could work out for good, becuase this hospitalization let us know that the place dad was in was not helping him get better. they were taking the money and doping him up and burning days on his insurance / medicare. had it not come to this we might still be in this declining cycle. and this is forcing her, my mom, and myself to work together, and at least function through our issues.

not too long after that the cardiologist came in to tell us the good news.

it's weird that i end up feeling good about all of this.

still not out of the woods. he is nowhere near where he should be, mentally. it is very much up in the air whether he is going to be able to recover, or if this semi-lucid, oft-delusional state is as good as it gets for him.

still praying on that part.


peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

i need to listen to a sermon after this:

and i told her that one of the last things Jesus did was to wash his disciples' feet, which was one of the most filthy and lowly tasks in that culture, and which freaked them out. they had been out, empowered to heal people in His name, and here they were allowing God, himself, to wash their feet. even servants have to realize that sometimes they need to let others serve them. and they always have to remember that there are some tasks that are God-sized.

lastly, i told her that i had talked w/ dad over the last couple of days and was satisfied that he knew christ, understood salvation, and was saved. i, my fam, my church, and others have been praying about this for YEARS. dad used to be openly hostile to the concept. i never pushed it. i just quietly did my thing, and would share here and there. regardless of anything, that's the biggest miracle in my eyes.

anyway, i told her that once i knew that, i had peace. because dad is going to win, regardless. to live is Christ, and to die is gain...


God bless you all

--------------
Daren, I'll never forget you
http://www.fayemurman.com/extras/magee/daren/

Going through moments like this, you tend to realize that GOD has a plan. And that no matter what, he will bring you through it. It's amazing that we have his love and his strength to lean on.

I've been dealing with my own valleys as of late but I'm starting to see the plan. The stuff isn't always easy and it can be downright stressful, but I know that GOD is carrying me and my family through it.

I am really hoping and praying for your you, Dad, Mom and Sister. 😇

"We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents" - Bob Ross

"I'm wearing a MSU Tshirt because I went to MSU, you are wearing a UM Tshirt because you went to Walmart!" -unknown.

http://bjsquirrelchronicles.blogspot.com