6. "Allow indeed... They been trying to straight bumrush....." In response to Reply # 2 Thu May-21-15 11:14 AM by FLUIDJ
But it's kinda stupid because they'll be like "We'll come up there and get her...." or "Y'all should bring her down here...."
BTW...it's a 5hr drive between us...we're in DMV, they're in NC.....
So i'm like....FOH...y'all can come UP here and are welcome to stay at the house while we dip for a weekend staycation....but I ain't no WAY we bout to a) allow y'all to drive up here & turn around and take her BACK to NC for any span of time.....that's just crazy....just as crazy as US driving all the way to NC to just drop her off.....
I dunno.... DEF. an "ALLOW" type thing over here for us.....parents be tripping
"Seasons may come and your luck just may run out, and all that you'll have is some memories..."
23. "the distance between us and our parents are similar to yours" In response to Reply # 6
We either meet our parents in Petersburg or take them to NC. They're doing me a solid by taking my rugrats for an extended period of time, feeding them, entertaining them, enduring their rambunctiousness, etc. So yeah, we don't mind driving 4-6 hours to drop them off.
I also think it's good for grandparents to have 1:1 time with them without parents being in the background. it helps them bond without 'interference' from me and my husband. Sure, they're rotten when they come back, but we straighten that out in about a week.
Not to mention, this gives us time to talk, fuck, date and sleep in late without interruption. Everybody wins!
We sent my kids down once they were potty trained. Deuces!
24. "See...this is the theme i'm seeing...multiple kids = no hangups" In response to Reply # 23
Seems that after the first kid, parents are more up for it...even pressed....
And I totally agree about that 1:1 time...I WANT them to have that...but I kinda want it on our terms...and I feel that it's a perfectly reasonable want for us to have.
I dunno.... Just trying to square all of this in my head right now. I feel bad....but at the same time...I'm also kinda angered that my folks aren't just being like most other grandparents we've seen.....getting their retired asses in their car and driving up here to camp out for a spell... LIke...they just TOTALLY skipped that part of the scenario and went straight to what I consider Phase II.....
"Seasons may come and your luck just may run out, and all that you'll have is some memories..."
35. "on the multiple thing " In response to Reply # 24 Thu May-21-15 01:20 PM by Selah
observationally, moms are kinda possessive with their first kid
all these grand plans about how they are gonna be the best mom ever (with none of the mistakes their mothers made)
they HATE the idea that anyone else might be able to care for their kid better (or maybe its some kind of fear the kid will prefer "them")
i've seen TONS of "separation anxiety" for first-time moms (be it grands, daycare, sitters, all that)
once that anxiety subsides, the realization that taking help is not an indictment, and they are looking for a break, that's when "somebody please take this kid somewhere" ("calgon take me away") kicks in
42. "LOL..wait, you talkin bout that post from last week??that wasn't me!" In response to Reply # 38
>lol > >you are tripping and being over protective as 1st parents are >arent you the one who did not like someone coming >to visit your infant? > >i will say >that i agree that if you just had the child >aka (on the boob/ not even 1) >why you would want them to take them > >but after 1yr old.... >let that child go >to his/her grandparents house > >(note this is coming from the MOST overprotective parent there >was)
LOL...I feel you.. The real issue with me isn't necessarily the going with them....it's the logistics and the distance. If we were all in the same town, or even an hour away....I can't even imagine there'd be an issue at all. But the 5-hour drive and distance is where things just become too complicated for it to be something either of us can entertain right now. Like...it'd be MORE work for us to get in the car, drive down to NC, drop her off and THEN try to go somewhere and have a few days to ourselves all while dealing with the separate anxiety that's doubled knowing she's in an unfamiliar place.
Man...if they lived in the DMV....this post wouldn't even exist! lol...
27. "I'm ready for company to leave after 2 or 3 days." In response to Reply # 23
Although our parents don't bother us too much, I don't feel like entertaining 2 kids and elderly folks. That's more work for me, lol.
I was hesitant at first, but once I relaxed a bit, I enjoyed having them out the house. I didn't have to worry about camp costs, extra curricular activities, dinner or anything.
Plus your parents want to show off their grandkids to their friends at church and the social club. They can't do that at your house.
28. "your parents raised you" In response to Reply # 6
from infancy, right? By making it a permission thing it sends a message that you don't think they were good parents. (or at least that's what my mom said lol)
because the realness is that they aren't going to follow your rules. they aren't going to do what you write down on that 56-point checklist. they will do what works for them, what had worked for them. They are going to spoil your kid rotten and give ZERO fucks about it and DARE you to say something to them about it.
I never felt as small as I did when my mom LAID me OUT because I said something to her about her grandmothering!
"Holier than thou never sits well with me."(c)janey
"OKP spends way too much time looking for ways to be offended." ~legsdiamond
43. "Me and my wife are both kinda fcked up in many ways thanks to our" In response to Reply # 28
upbringing.... I mean....yeah....we turned out ok for the most part...but both of us have some pretty major issues when we sit down an analyze it. We're aware of them, and pretty aware of the source of a LOT of them now after being on the parenting side.
>from infancy, right? By making it a permission thing it >sends a message that you don't think they were good parents. >(or at least that's what my mom said lol)
I'll just say....there are many things they could have done better..... MANY things. We got a LOT of unnecessary baggage....
>because the realness is that they aren't going to follow your >rules. they aren't going to do what you write down on that >56-point checklist. they will do what works for them, what >had worked for them. They are going to spoil your kid rotten >and give ZERO fucks about it and DARE you to say something to >them about it.
Real talk...as long as she don't come home hurt, i'm good with alladat! lol....
>I never felt as small as I did when my mom LAID me OUT because >I said something to her about her grandmothering!
See....I kinda foresee this happening for us too...at least on my side. But see....my pops already be saying shit in a joking kinda way that I'm really not cool with. Like...he KNOWS our stance on spanking and shit....but he likes the joke about it and i'm so not cool with even suggesting that that's an option around her...I don't even want her knowing the concept of it until she's old enough to know that it's something we aren't practicing under our roof.
I feel you on everything you wrote though....I get it...
"Seasons may come and your luck just may run out, and all that you'll have is some memories..."
legsdiamond Member since May 05th 2011 79621 posts
Thu May-21-15 02:50 PM
52. "we are all kinda fucked up due to our upbringing" In response to Reply # 43
no such thing as perfect parents.
**************** TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*
3. "all his grandparents live fairly close except my pops." In response to Reply # 0
there hasn't been a need, yet, for anyone to keep him that long. my MIL isn't interested in any long term stays and my FIL likes having him spend the night, but i think one or two would be enough for him. my mom is the only one that would be willing and is equipped to keep him that long and he's done some multiple night stays with her, but never a week or more.
11. "damn...you doin good...she 2 1/2 & we never been apart more" In response to Reply # 9
than the time she's in daycare during the week lol....
I think my wife is kinda ready for the baby step of having her mom come through and stay at the house for a couple of days while we do an in town staycation..... I'm not even all the way there yet! lol...but her confidence about it will help me get on board. Shit....she's like my daily ignition...I can't get going in the morning until I see that smile....
"Seasons may come and your luck just may run out, and all that you'll have is some memories..."
13. "lol i almost cried the first time his grandma took him for a weekend" In response to Reply # 11 Thu May-21-15 11:30 AM by SHAstayhighalways
then i got used to it real quick. i was kinda sad when he left me for so long last week but again i got over it lol as long as she's with somebody you trust it will be a lil nerve racking at first but the fun you and your wife have will make it worth it!
14. "I was misty eyed as fck just TYPING that 2nd sentence yo..." In response to Reply # 13
>then i got used to it real quick. >i was kinda said when he left me for so long last week but >again i got over it lol >as long as she's with somebody you trust it will be a lil >nerve racking at first >but the fun you and your wife have will make it worth it! >
Gonna have to get over that hump at some point doe.....
The thing is...I trust my folks.....but I don't necessarily trust some of the environments they be in and the people THEY put trust in.... Like...I could easily see them doing something like bringing my lil niece (bless her heart) over to "help out" or something of similar bad judgement...
"Seasons may come and your luck just may run out, and all that you'll have is some memories..."
I was on board right away. I mean the way I grew up we were always going from family member to family member for weekends and baby sitting. It took a village and everyone in the family stepped up to help out. My wife probably wouldnt have let it happen until he was like 2 or 3. When he was 8 months old we had to leave him with my mom for 5 days. Wife's sister had a destination wedding in Cancun. The wife cried every fucking day. It was a mess.
November 8th, 2005 The greatest night in the history of GD!
17. "CORRECTION. I forgot my parents took my daughter for summer once" In response to Reply # 0 Thu May-21-15 11:40 AM by Lach
when she was 3. We had just had my son back in 2004 and my parents were visiting from Boston and said they could take our daughter back for the summer and she could go play with all her cousins. So she was gone for like 5 weeks. I forgot all about that.
61. "Probably wouldn't have been ready" In response to Reply # 22
But when my son was born he had this rare eye condition that had us going back and forth to the doctors like crazy so that kind of factored in to us letting our daughter go with the grandparents.
legsdiamond Member since May 05th 2011 79621 posts
Thu May-21-15 11:45 AM
20. "baby isn't even born yet and we already plottin' and scheming" In response to Reply # 0
**************** TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*
legsdiamond Member since May 05th 2011 79621 posts
Thu May-21-15 02:35 PM
50. "nope #1.. so don't trust anything I say. " In response to Reply # 21
**************** TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*
44. "No, they weren't bad. But they have ideals and methods and beliefs" In response to Reply # 34
that are the polar opposite of how we intend to raise our child. Those ideals spill over into so many of the things that they do under the belief that they're being loving parents (which in their mind they are, and I don't fault them for it) but in our mind are the exact things that's left both my wife and I with a lot of baggage we've been dealing with all of our adult lives.
>like were your parents bad parents? > >oh all people i trust my parents to have my child >for an extended time than anyone else
I trust them indeed....and it's not like I think they'd do something intentional...a lot of it is just that they aren't 100% attentive when they should be and that's just based off of general observation when we're actually around.... Plus...their house (the house I amazingly survived growing up in) is a virtual death trap for a 2.5 year old.... Like...it's bad yo. Like...mame and kill type bad. They really gonna have to do some home improvement before we're even remotely comfortable....
>i cant wait for if they want to take her on a vacation >i know that she will be safe >and will be taken care of as if i was taking care of her
We're trying to get there. Baby steps...baby steps... Man i'd be 150% on board with them coming up here and just taking over the house for a week while we bounce. Like...that to me is a reasonable first-run for us as first time parents I think.
>i guess thats just me though
"Seasons may come and your luck just may run out, and all that you'll have is some memories..."
48. "ok, i too think this is reasonable. " In response to Reply # 44
especially based on your current comfort level. trust, i was hesitant as shit to let him stay with Pop Pop the first time (FIL), but he had a blast and was well cared for.
> Man i'd be 150% on board with them coming up here and just taking over >the house for a week while we bounce. Like...that to me is a >reasonable first-run for us as first time parents I think.
legsdiamond Member since May 05th 2011 79621 posts
Thu May-21-15 02:47 PM
51. "some people swear they can do it better than their parents" In response to Reply # 34
but more times than not it's just a different technique and guess what will happen once his kid is grown?
they will be like nah "Daddy FluidJ left me with some baggage" and since I read a few books or learned timeouts are actually bullshit I will do better than him.
**************** TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*
77. "lol...I ain't saying i'ma be perfect parent. And the real root of this " In response to Reply # 51
As i've pretty much stated multiple times... Is that I'm all in with them taking the reigns for a week...but at the age of 2 1/2 it's gonna be on our terms....which are come on up to VA and camp out at the crib. Y'all can have free reign of the house and we'll bounce....
But ain't no way we're remotely ready to drive down to NC to drop her off and turn around and come retrieve her after a week. Or vice versa.... Now...if they were only a couple of hours away....probably wouldn't be a big issue either.
A lot of the other "baggage" stuff we're able to deal with and we know that ultimately is out of our control for the most part...kinda
>but more times than not it's just a different technique and >guess what will happen once his kid is grown? > >they will be like nah "Daddy FluidJ left me with some baggage" >and since I read a few books or learned timeouts are actually >bullshit I will do better than him.
"Seasons may come and your luck just may run out, and all that you'll have is some memories..."
84. "to be fair a lot of parents get real brand new once they become grandpar..." In response to Reply # 34 Fri May-22-15 09:54 AM by Mahogany
I be looking at a lot of the shit my parents do with my nephews like wtf... lol
Like who are these people? They will single-handedly ruin every good habit you've managed to teach your child in a weekend.
Plus They're older and may not realize that they don't got it anymore lol. This actually happened to my parents the other week after having my 2 yr old nephew for a day. He goes over there a lot, but he was in a zone that day...they weren't ready for that. I was talking on the phone to my mom and all I could hear was my dad saying "aren't you supposed to take naps or something?? Etc etc etc for like a good 10 min lol he sounded so stressed out.
I'm coming at this from the standpoint of the last of 3 siblings to have a kid...I got 3 nieces & 1 nephew...so i've seen/witnessed first hand some of the things that give me the most concern when it comes to dropping the lil-one off in NC for a week.
"Seasons may come and your luck just may run out, and all that you'll have is some memories..."
36. "Funny, you should ask this..." In response to Reply # 0
This is not at all an issue wit' me and da wiz, but the elephant in the room is why her first cousin will not let his mother keep his daughter more than an hour or two, by herself.
His mother raised ALLLLLLL the kids in the family, including my boo thaing. So now, we're all like WTF, and scratching our heads tryna figure out why. It makes NO sense to have his wife's mama and daddy alternate weeks, to come from NY to VA to watch their 3 year old, while his mama lives literally a few miles down the road.
It takes all kinds to make up a world, son. -My pops
Not to get to deep.... but Black families shove a LOT of shit under the rug...and brush it off like it's nothing...or to forget about it like it never happened.
But that shit comes fresh into the forefront of the mind when it comes to your own kid.
I know for a fact that something is amiss with my niece but it's on her mom's side, not my side (my brother's daughter)...yet...my niece spends at least 75% of her time with her mother's family (brother and baby moms not together). It's affected her...and I can plainly see it....but yeah....folks don't want to talk about it or they act like it's not existent.........
"Seasons may come and your luck just may run out, and all that you'll have is some memories..."
>Not to get to deep.... >but Black families shove a LOT of shit under the rug...and >brush it off like it's nothing...or to forget about it like it >never happened.
SO TRUE.
>But that shit comes fresh into the forefront of the mind when >it comes to your own kid.
She just turned 4, and we took a 10 day vacation without her, grandma stayed at out place, When she was 3, I let my mom take her to Ohio for about 5 days. When she was 2 , we went to NYC for a long weekend. She's had weekends at grandma's since infancy. As soon as I was able to stockpile enough breastmilk for 48 hours.
My parents live in SC...I live in RI...So I've let them take my daughter for the summer...i'll come visit when I can...typically during Panthers Training Camp...
I gave them the sad news that it's not happening anymore though...
62. "i don't want to be a parent bc of the way I was raised." In response to Reply # 0
I finally admitted this to some of my extended family this past weekend. It was a release.
If I had kids I wouldnt trust anyone in my family to care for them - I didn't say that part. But it's true. They are a main reason I don't want to be a parent. I don't like the way they treat kids and I fear I have their tendencies.
69. "And I wouldn't even call it shitting on anybody really. You get to an" In response to Reply # 66 Fri May-22-15 08:16 AM by FLUIDJ
age where you're able to clearly evaluate your upbringing, evaluate yourself and your issues, and then cross reference and narrow down the source of those issues and BOOM...where do you land?? Parents 9 times outta 10. And it's not to say I won't make mistakes along the way myself.... But when you can clearly see that your parents haven't really changed much and are still making the same missteps with your nieces and nephews and that they haven't really come around to modern concepts and standards of child rearing....I dunno....you gotta step in and draw a line.
"Seasons may come and your luck just may run out, and all that you'll have is some memories..."
74. "Regarding the "tendencies" you mention..I had that fear too..." In response to Reply # 71
The cool thing is that I became HYPER aware of them when she was born....like...I'd catch myself in patterns that I didn't even know were a part of me...such as a tendency to want to raise my voice....or limit her exploration and curiosity...or try to control every aspect of her growth.... That hyper awareness contributed to a LOT of growth and the ability to ween away from them.
I dunno....just saying....if that's the ONLY factor you're basing your decision on...maybe don't put too much weight on it. It's amazing how a child makes you evolve & self correct so rapidly....as long as you're taking to the time to evaluate and accept your shortcomings and flaws....
"Seasons may come and your luck just may run out, and all that you'll have is some memories..."
legsdiamond Member since May 05th 2011 79621 posts
Fri May-22-15 10:52 AM
89. "I'm sorry but I have to chuckle at "modern concepts" " In response to Reply # 69
I get what you are saying but man.. it sure sounds like bullshit bruh.
Go ahead and try all the new shit, our parents tried it too, but I wonder how we will feel when our kids do the same thing to us because our methods are seen as old school.
**************** TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*
92. "LOL...just wait fam... just.wait. " In response to Reply # 89
>I get what you are saying but man.. it sure sounds like >bullshit bruh. > >Go ahead and try all the new shit, our parents tried it too, >but I wonder how we will feel when our kids do the same thing >to us because our methods are seen as old school.
"Seasons may come and your luck just may run out, and all that you'll have is some memories..."
67. "My mom spanked me like it was going out of style." In response to Reply # 63
But I don't think she'd ever consider doing that to my daughter. They tend to change their attitude with grandchildren. Plus she knows we're not down with it, and she thinks I'm doing a good job without that kind of punishment.
73. "yeah, that's something that pretty much standard now...not even " In response to Reply # 67
a concern of ours. They still like to say it...and they try to say it in jest...but I don't even like it being hinted at or suggested at all. Like if we're shooting the shit on the phone and they hear the lil-one cutting up in the background my dad might be like.. "Sound like spanking time".... and he'll try to laugh it off..but I'm even shuttinig THAT kinda jokey joke talk down too.
The bigger concern for us is the safety aspect, the cursing aspect (my dad), the lack of attention giving, etc....
"Seasons may come and your luck just may run out, and all that you'll have is some memories..."
83. "No one should be giving me the side eye for anything......" In response to Reply # 82
I've already stated repeatedly that my issue is the 5-hour span and distance. I've already conceded that a lot of it likely just because we're new parents and we're simply not at the comfort level yet. I've already stated that i'd have no issue with them watching on our terms... I've already stated that our current terms are; Come to VA, camp out for a spell and it's all good.
You all are jumping to conclusions about my reasons because...well...because OKP....
"Seasons may come and your luck just may run out, and all that you'll have is some memories..."
87. "Yea nothing you said was side eye worthy" In response to Reply # 83
Parents are human just like us. I can't really assume that everyone has the same experience as I do with their folks (in addition to other things). It's a fair question imo even if you had a great childhood.
Hell my mom was just complaining about how my brother/sis in law wouldn't let them take my nephew out of town for two weeks just a week before the incident I described above..after that she agreed with us lol
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