It's Chris Hansen and a sarcastic, wisecracky 11 year old "Suite life of Zack and Cody" looking kid. They've just moved to Seaside Beach City, California. Dateline has decided to do a travelling version of To Catch a Predator by featuring all the states in alphabetical order. After narrowly escaping American Samoa by the skin of his teeth, Chris has just got done busting all the internet predators in Arizona.


Chris is glad to be in Southern California because he figures there probably won't be much work for them there with the show, what with So Cal typically being a bastion of conservative morality. He's anticipating getting some rest (American Samoa was a bitch) and also pursuing other work and going on auditions. He's counting on his trusty agent, Morris Finkelschmitzstein, a man who is hopelessly inept and broke, to get him his dream job: hosting Wheel of Fortune. He'd also like to focus his energies on more socially conscious and relevant work. Something he can look back upon and point to and say "Yes...Yes, I did that. Me. I, Chris Hansen, did THAT for the good of mankind". Maybe something like hosting Wheel of Fortune.


The aforementioned kid, who's gotta be named something "hip" or "kid-tastic" like: Jace, Dax, Dylan, Coletrane, or Herbert, is really unhappy about living in Southern California. Like ALL KIDS EVERY WHERE* he's into X-Treme sports, video games, and getting into mischeveous homespun whimsy...usually culminating in improbably wacky hijinks featuring Chris Hansen, the cast and crew of To Catch A Predator, and random pedophiles. Like ALL KIDS EVERY WHERE* he wears the baggy skateboarder shorts, Heelys, loud Hawaiian shirts, and Che Guevara T-Shirts because he is such an iconoclastic non-comformist.


Chris Hansen became co-legal guardian of the kid only recently (I'm telling you...some srious shit went DOWN in American Samoa) and they're still getting used to each other. Due to his oddly structured contract, there 2 other co-legal guardians of the kid which leads to not only hi-jinky shenanigans, but to shenaniganny hi-jinkles as well.


Another co-legal guardian of the kid is Peacock Productions, NBC's newly formed non-fiction/reality programming production wing. Of course since NBC owns Peacock Prods., and is owned by NBC Universal, which in turn is owned by GE(80%) and VivendiSA(20%), all General Electric employees get him 2 weekends a month, while VivendiSA employees get him for 5 hours on the first Saturday of every third month. Also, as Chris' agent, Morris Finkelschmitzstein gets 15% of all visitation times as well.


The third and final co-legal guardian is Perverted Justice, the anti-pedophile organization that works with Dateline:TCAP. This situation also leads to several amusing plot developments because the head of PeeJ, Xavier Von Erck (born Phillip John Eide), in accordance with "Dougie's Law", cannot be legally left alone in a room with a kid nor talk with him over the phone for more than 5 police-monitored minutes. His is forbidden from talking to the kid, or any children under the age of 18, via the internet and cannot have photographs of children in his house. He is also prohibited, this time in accordance with "Lil Bucky's Law", from looking at children in supermarkets for longer than 5 seconds and must have all advertisements featuring children removed from an ymagazines he subscribes to. he is not allowed to own a television. The words and terms "children, kids, babies, babes, young adults, pre-teens, teens, a-little-past-teens, youns-sters, young-ones, young-ins, in-young-ones, toddlers, lil rascals, rapscallions, tots, wee'uns, chilluns, and weedwhackers" are not allowed to be spoken by him nor any one in his presence.


I mean, this thing practically writes itself.



*(according to TV)






-----tapirbaby

Probably playing on my computer anytime I'm posting July, 2007:

ALBUM: Costello Music - The Fratellis
AUDIOBOOK: Founding Brothers - Joseph J. Ellis
PODCAST: The Armstrong & Getty Show
OLD TIME RADIO: Dragnet