I really don't know why I'm compelled to share this. I suppose it's because I've shared so many other major life events, so why not this one? Why not the L of all L's? Why not one of the most painful situations I've ever been faced with... after a lifetime fucking full of them? Why the fuck not? So here's a long ass stream of consciousness that will otherwise be known as "TLDNR"..... but I just need to get it out right now so I don't wake up my people.

Times like this I wish I was a drinker. Instead, I'm eating a grilled cheese sandwich while swilling down half a two liter of Coke at 1 am like some 36 year old gamer in his mom's basement. Only I'm a 36 year old father who just sold his second home because cutting his losses and making sure his family- the only fucking long term stability I've ever known in life- is secure and well positioned for the future.

I'm not surprised, but then I'm surprised. And that makes no goddamned sense whatsoever.

You know what really hurts about this? The part that feels like I've been gutted by Rambo himself? This boils down to shit I called out very early on, and even tried to leave over. I was never *really* what she wanted. Apparently I wasn't her type from jump, but she found a lot to admire about me and just figured that would be enough.

Only, in that first year, I'd consistently call out the fact that, hey, it doesn't seem like I'm the guy for you since you seem to dislike a lot of things about me. The way I ate, for example. What I ate, how I ate, how I dressed, the fact that I posted on this weird ass message board okayplayer.com, you name it. It always seemed like she had a laundry list of things she didn't like about me. And since, as my name strongly implies, I'm more or less a matter of fact guy, I'd acknowledge those things.

One night I had enough and told her she needed to find someone who fit whatever it was she wanted, because I damn sure wasn't it. She chased my ass down the stairs, all through the apartment complex, and stood in front of my car door so I couldn't get in. I eventually gave in, thinking shit.... she obviously feels something for me that's deeper than this other shit.

Turns out, she was in love with the way I treated her. She liked the loyalty I demonstrated with the people I cared about. When we had our first child? She saw that I was a good father. She liked the way I encouraged her to first be true to herself, that I cared more about how she felt about something than how it made me feel. Do I like that shirt on you? Hey, do YOU like it? You feel comfortable in that? Then rock that shit!

She liked that when she went on her natural hair journey and all the women- her mother included, first, foremost and loudest, in fact- in her life told her she had nappy ass hair and couldn't pull it off, *I* told her to kill that noise and embrace herself, as herself, in whatever form she felt most comfortable, empowered, and true. She liked how, when she wanted to add braids and she asked if it was cool, I looked at her like a deer in headlights, because she already knows my answer: you do what makes you *happy*. She liked that I wrote her college papers.

She liked..... what I did for her, how I made her feel about herself, things like that. Not a lot about me, just who I was/am, the person, but what I did for her or other people.

I get it. One friend of mine once told me that I'm an "acquired taste", and that it took her a minute but one day she just sort of understood me and where I was coming from... but again... that took time. And my wife just sort of thought that next level of feeling would develop, and it didn't. But I get it. For all my pluses and best efforts, I'm sure it's no picnic being around me through my ups and downs.

She admitted that my general pessimism was a drain on her all these years. I still, to this day, eat like a trucker and never really took much interest in improving those terrible habits. The fact that I only push so hard for so long at something before I say fuck it, this shit isn't going to work out, so what's the point?

Ahem*timemachine*ahem.

Except, you know, this. It's not like I was 100% ecstatic with everything about her at all times. I made several efforts over the years to bridge the growing distance. Shit I've spoken with several OKP's about this, at length, offline, over the years. Hell the day her and I started dating, I had quit my job at a temp agency because I was sick of being treated like replaceable dogshit. I always quit or went awol on situations that got hard enough that I decided I'd rather take some other consequence instead. But not this. Even if things were less then ideal, I had hope for us long term. There were so many things that made us work so well, so even if things weren't perfect, I'd remind myself that no relationship is. I wasn't perfect and definitely had my missteps, but never, ever, for a fucking moment, after that day in her apartment very early on, did I ever not want to be with her.

After we sold the first house and moved to my old town, where all my people were, she felt isolated. She finally admitted that was going through severe postpartum that she wouldn't cop to, but it was obvious. Then she quit her job, partly at my urging, and did that lularoe bullshit, partly at my urging. And that kicked off a year long depression in her that got downright scary at times. Again, there are a few people here who know just how deep that shit got.

She's been a complete ghost to me for long while. So we sold the house at a nice profit, downsized, got us in a prime location where we each drop a child off at their destination and get to work in twenty minutes. closer to her friends, her family, etc. No commute, once again cash solvent, and I thought we were on the road to rebuilding.

Wrong.

She's much more of a ghost. So we eventually addressed a gazillion things and the one constant here is that she just doesn't want to be with me. There's nothing there to work on, to counsel. Counseling can't give her feelings she doesn't have, not when she admits that she's always known I loved her in that way much, much more than she loved me in that way. You know the other rambo knife here? Our wedding, our daughter? Those were things she pushed for. She did that thinking that the more we "did life" together, the more those feelings would develop.

I realize this post is a fucking mess, darting a million directions and pulling at threads I never fully unravel. There are lot of blanks in my telling. That's how it feels inside. It's fucked up. She's still the best thing that ever happened to me. My life has done a complete 180 since we met. I never had anything resembling the sort of stability I've enjoyed these last 9 years. We're still friends. We're still living together, at least until this lease is up late next year. I have no clue how to break this to our daughter, when the time comes.

I have no idea how to deal with all the old, locked away baggage that spills out every day. Talk about triggered. So much for breaking cycles, right? So much for triumphing over that patchwork transient childhood. I feel all that shit now. That fucking weight man... one minute I'm wallowing. The next, I'm a zombie. ThenI'm Superman, ready to handle business like a goddamned champ. The next? Self loathing, feeling sorry for myself, and wishing I would have blown my brains out long before I met her.

Of course, now that's not even an option since I have two kids. What the fuck was I thinking, making other people? So I have to do the old pick myself, dust myself off, blah blah blah routine again, if for no other reason than to make sure they're not dealing with shit like this thirty years from now. I'm tighter than ever with my inner circle. I'm good, or at least will be. I have the tools and support to get through this but goddamn.... that weight is heavy.

All I know is that in this moment, I needed to get this shit off my heart. Sorry for the long, sordid mess.

Unsolicited advice, also write these things on paper. Let your hand slow your thoughts down in ways that a computer or phone can't.
Good luck, sincerely.
And if things feel too too tough, inbox.

------
“There is no fate that cannot be surmounted by scorn.” -Albert Camus

And you might get that inbox so, you know, careful what you wish for and all that. lol

And advice appreciated, solicited or not, because I realize I need to get out of my head to deal with this. And frankly, that's good advice that never occurred to me.

You have broken the cycle. You are a different person than you were 9 years ago. You committed to something that you would have never imagined doing before and believed in it. You had the capacity to build a wonderful family and life. You still have beautiful children that you are devoted to and a relationship with their mother. You've written all the things you know -- you have all the tools your need, the people you need around you to get through this and you will. If you need to go to therapy too, you will figure that out as well. You believed in the promise of love and family even when all of your past experiences may have told you not to. When you make it through the difficult part, you will be left with so much of the beauty in life of the family you created as the foundation for all that comes next. I wish you all the strength and support in the world to make it through.

"i fear no fate" e.e. cummings
"No girl. No fried chicken. I'm going back to get some sleep." - Haruki Murakami

That was my introduction and I never went back.

Anyhow....Thank you for this. I'm trying to reprogram my brain to know and accept these thoughts instead of just acknowledging that they exist.

I'm actively fighting the trap of all the programming that came before, creeping out like monsters in the closet. At first i was like ok.. this is where things are, let's move forward. As days go by and I'm stuck dealing with this at work all day, I start feeling those older wounds open up and that shit cascaded.

But yeah... I need to remind myself of this.

****************
TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*

-The Knicks’ coaching search still includes a lone frontrunner, Kurt Rambis, whose qualifications for the position include a strong relationship with Jackson and a willingness to take the job.

sorry u are going through this bs.

stay strong and do your thing.

they had nothing to do with this
also...im a huge mental health advocate....
therapy is not an understand but it may help you unpack some things
good luck

______________________________________

Navem nu, cuando sol
Tutu nu, vondo nos nu
Vita em, no continous non
Nos nu ekta nos sepe ta, amen

When the sun shades the ship
We sweat and life is not safe
To swim or to touch not
When we unite we hedge amen

Everything he said - that's a lot of weight to carry on your own

_______________________
We rationalize dumb shit

>they had nothing to do with this
>also...im a huge mental health advocate....
>therapy is not an understand but it may help you unpack some
>things
>good luck

Yeah I started going once we had our daughter. It's definitely helped. I took a break and started going back once this popped off because I know I'll let this fester if I don't.

“So back we go to these questions — friendship, character… ethics.”

We are sort of going through the same thing.
I just can’t find it in my heart to forgive him

Now? I have much more to be encouraged about.

It is draining trying to always fix a broken thing.

And with effort and investment comes MUCH pain and sense of loss.

But you also are liberated now, for the right situation.

Inbox if you need to talk man. Building myself up now too.

________________________________________________
R.I.P. Soulgyal <3
SUPA NERD LLC.
Knowledge Meets Nature
Musica Negra
#13irteen

>Now? I have much more to be encouraged about.
>
>It is draining trying to always fix a broken thing.

^^this. I went through and realized how much I DIDN'T share, and yeah... that was taxing. This whole last two years was spent trying to help her get past that depression, getting back on track finacnially and whatnot, and once it looked like we were out of those woods?

BOOM.

hit me like a ton of bricks.

Like devastatingly.

But I'm building back, brick by brick.

I didn't necessarily fail. The best lesson I've learned from any of this is that enduring isn't a meritous endeavor. You'll sit back and account for that effort as an inventory, as if it is substantive. But then you end up realizing how much that was the only thing there, and you making yourself feel good because you're the good one who's "enduring" and sticking it out, trying to make things work.

That ain't no existence man. This will be a blessing. But I totally get it completely sucking right now.

This thing here, every man in the world goes through, but fuck that...I put a lot of ___________ up, I'm hating! (c)

________________________________________________
R.I.P. Soulgyal <3
SUPA NERD LLC.
Knowledge Meets Nature
Musica Negra
#13irteen

<--- Big Baller World Order

Thanks.

through it especially after you've been through it.

Individual counseling/therapy helped me deal with it in a way that I was able to be even stronger for my kids.

Praying for you and yours, fam!

divorce happens.. people fall out of love all the time. Hopefully this is just a nasty bump in the road and you guys can resolve things.

****************
TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*

>divorce happens.. people fall out of love all the time.
>Hopefully this is just a nasty bump in the road and you guys
>can resolve things.

Where things are now, I doubt that's even possible. There are a lot of gaps in my telling of this but it's pretty clear that she wants to be free to do her own thing, and if that changed I would be too busy trying to figure out of it was genuine, if she was just trying to get back to a comfort zone or what.

I doubt I can do that again, because while I suspected a lot of this to be the case going back to the early days of our relationship, I had to balance that with her personality as I knew it, because I also had to balance my own tendency to say fuck it and bounce when it seems like shit is going south. I've spent the last 9 years trying to communicate with someone who basically responded with smoke signals and sticking around because I was never sure if that was an overreaction.

At this point resolution is just ensuring things remain civil and friendly as parents and, hopefully, friends, at least until this lease is up.

But you'll get through it.

First, you said you were "rambling" and all over the place but I don't think so. Everything you wrote made sense and is relatable to anyone who's ever been in a longterm relationship, specifically marriage ... so I'm/we're with you.

Second, the end of your post, about the ups and downs of your moods on a daily basis, that's relatable as fuck, too. You aren't alone in any of this.

Like everyone else said, there's no words to ease what you're going through so I'll save the preachy bullshit except to say - life is difficult as fuck, but as you said you seem to have a very measured approach to everything, this is no different. Not gonna be easy but considering how level-headed you appear to approach things I'm confident you'll be good.

Wishing you the best bro.

----------------------------------------

"Fuck aliens." © WarriorPoet415

>First, you said you were "rambling" and all over the place but
>I don't think so. Everything you wrote made sense and is
>relatable to anyone who's ever been in a longterm
>relationship, specifically marriage ... so I'm/we're with
>you.

Cool... Glad to hear actually. I was in a weird place writing that, trying to make sure I made sense,though internally it just felt like word vomit.

>Second, the end of your post, about the ups and downs of your
>moods on a daily basis, that's relatable as fuck, too. You
>aren't alone in any of this.
>
>Like everyone else said, there's no words to ease what you're
>going through so I'll save the preachy bullshit except to say
>- life is difficult as fuck, but as you said you seem to have
>a very measured approach to everything, this is no different.
>Not gonna be easy but considering how level-headed you appear
>to approach things I'm confident you'll be good.
>
>Wishing you the best bro.

Thanks man... much appreciated. One day, i promise we'll revisit that Kweli/Train Of Thought discussion lol

>Thanks man... much appreciated. One day, i promise we'll
>revisit that Kweli/Train Of Thought discussion lol

But that said ..... let me know when you're ready. Just no pressure. Haha.

----------------------------------------

"Fuck aliens." © WarriorPoet415

I've lost a long-term relationship, and it's fucking terrible. I can only imagine how much harder it is with kids involved.

Because that had me in all kinds of panic. But a friend reminded me that these things happen, people divorce, and kids will often turn out just fine.

I have no reason to expect anything less than a united front on that end though, so I'm going to try to keep that in mind going forward.

I know you didn't ask for my advice, and we haven't always seen eye to eye on here but I never took it personally, so hopefully this advice finds you in a good way.

I assume you love your children. Focus there if you can, especially if you not only love them, but they bring you joy. I understand that you're questioning why you would bring life into this world and that's even easier to do when you're judging your own past, but you did something great. You have the ability to raise two quality human beings who will help shape the future in a positive way.

Also, don't give up on love forever. You will need to take time, but you're still young (36 is young these days...i don't care what anyone says) and you have so much that you can learn after putting so much into something where you kind of knew it wasn't right for either of you. Take those lessons, and when the time is right you will find someone who is right for you, like...all the way right...and you will be so happy and you won't fuck it up because you will have learned.

Finally, if you have things that you want to fix about yourself, do it - you will have the time. Because now you'll be doing it because you want to do, not because someone has an issue with that thing. I promise you that when you are taking the time to better yourself for yourself, the people you want to attract tend to notice.

That's all I got. Be well. It will get better.

>I know you didn't ask for my advice, and we haven't always
>seen eye to eye on here but I never took it personally, so
>hopefully this advice finds you in a good way.

Water under the bridge man. I think all- well, most, let's be real lmao- of us can separate basic board bullshit from real world situations. Day to day board relations are one thing but everyone seems to know what's what when real life comes knocking. That said, I appreciate the gesture.

>I assume you love your children. Focus there if you can,
>especially if you not only love them, but they bring you joy.
>I understand that you're questioning why you would bring life
>into this world and that's even easier to do when you're
>judging your own past, but you did something great. You have
>the ability to raise two quality human beings who will help
>shape the future in a positive way.

Yeah that's something that's never really left. It does get a little deeper in that I feel like there's some sort of, for lack of a better term, "curse" on my family. Not in a crazy Stephen King sort of way, just, you know, my siblings and I, we all probably should have let this line end with us.

For me, there's this brooding sense that I'm selfish for two kids into a large, chaotic family that was fucked to hell before I was even born. That, you know, I'm still fucked up and still letting all that other shit impede my path, and now they're stuck dealing with whatever comes with that baggage. To be honest I'm not sure I'll ever shake that feeling entirely, no matter how good things might get.

But you're right. That's 27 years of scars talking, but there's a rational side to this if I can shut that out.

>Also, don't give up on love forever. You will need to take
>time, but you're still young (36 is young these days...i don't
>care what anyone says) and you have so much that you can learn
>after putting so much into something where you kind of knew it
>wasn't right for either of you. Take those lessons, and when
>the time is right you will find someone who is right for you,
>like...all the way right...and you will be so happy and you
>won't fuck it up because you will have learned.
>
>Finally, if you have things that you want to fix about
>yourself, do it - you will have the time. Because now you'll
>be doing it because you want to do, not because someone has an
>issue with that thing. I promise you that when you are taking
>the time to better yourself for yourself, the people you want
>to attract tend to notice.
>
>That's all I got. Be well. It will get better.

Thanks man... all that is heeded. I appreciate it.

I went through a similar realization... only it was 7 years not 9 and I have 4 kids. the whole fighting and not liking each other as much as the idea of us.. trying to live an ideal in an attempt to break a cycle or prove something about our own history.

I have a time machine you can borrow it *tosses the keys* but it won't help much.. there's no direction you can go that doesn't result in sacrifices that aren't worth it.. it's better to just take your lumps in the present and count your blessings.. at least for me it was.

It feels like a lousy place to be in but it'll be for the best and it gets better. It's worth the pain in the short term to spare greater pain and damage and a wasted lifetime.

Thanks for sharing.. keep your head up.. OKP will hold you down.

I'm the worst drunk there is. What filter I do have disappears and next thing you know I'm being drug into a friend's truck while a house full of people are giving chase. All I'm saying is that I have a track record that say's you're wrong here, lol.

>I went through a similar realization... only it was 7 years
>not 9 and I have 4 kids. the whole fighting and not liking
>each other as much as the idea of us.. trying to live an ideal
>in an attempt to break a cycle or prove something about our
>own history.

See that I think I could do. We don't even fight. We just don't talk. She says she likes me just fine as a friend, just not as her husband or boyfriend. That aside, you're point remains: there's no real good to come from the "for the sake of the kids/what will everyone think" play.

>I have a time machine you can borrow it *tosses the keys* but
>it won't help much.. there's no direction you can go that
>doesn't result in sacrifices that aren't worth it.. it's
>better to just take your lumps in the present and count your
>blessings.. at least for me it was.

I hear that. As things stand it looks like it can, at the very least, wind up on the positive of end of the divorce spectrum.

>It feels like a lousy place to be in but it'll be for the best
>and it gets better. It's worth the pain in the short term to
>spare greater pain and damage and a wasted lifetime.
>
>Thanks for sharing.. keep your head up.. OKP will hold you
>down.

Thanks. I appreciate that.

samsara said everything I was thinking...like to a T.

And you KNOW you have tons of support, even in this text. And that's close to home and at distance.

You got seeds that are the ultimate motivator.

You have clarity.

You have developed a deeper sense of commitment, devotion and truly given of yourself to someone.

This is the essence of life...breathe it in...relish in it. Let it mold you to be the man you are meant to be, the man you want to be.

Yes, pain and disappointment and starting over can all be daunting feelings but every trial you go through only lets you look back on it once they are overcome to say..."I did that, I made it through that, I know I can handle things I didn't think I ever could!"

Heal brother...heal. Focus on reparation. Don't focus on the pain. Treat it like any other scar. When we get cut, we don't stretch the wound and make it worse. We immediately try to find ways to heal it...to ease the pain.

Focus on your two little people, focus on your bond with the people holding you up through this, focus on getting your $ right, focus on landing soft and not hard, focus on the good of the situation (especially if you two are still ok with each other on an interpersonal level...trust me, it could be much worse and the last thing you'd want to do is MAKE it worse by not moving on with your life), focus on music, focus on smiling and laughing more than rehashing and regret. Focus on appreciating the 9yrs of growth instead of viewing it as 9 years of wasted time (because it wasn't).

You don't see it now but you eventually will...you're in a good space, even at this tough moment. I know you saw my last messages...hit me up if you need anything.

____________

Thanks.

Holla if you ever need to. Can't offer much more than a listening ear/eye, but sometimes that's what you need.

Much appreciated.

Thanks for the encouragement. And inboxes. I'll those back here in a bit.

scary how relate-able this is. feels like the longer u wait, the bigger the kids get. holidays don't help. hope you find peace and focus.

First, we're living together through September.

Second, her sister is coming for the last two weeks of the month, and brother and his girl are coming for Christmas day. None of them know.

Plus I'm on the hook for Christmas dinner. Chicken Parm, which my wife loves and I do well enough that it's not that cliche "bachelor trying to pretend he can cook on that third date" bullshit.

At the very least it will make for a good Christmas mystery: Can CT cook with his soul on this one, or will he go through the motions with a tray of Stouffer's? Stay tuned!

but serve her a TV dinner...

I kid, I kid...

Put your foot in that shit bruh.

****************
TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*

It can be inspiring

the two of you can break up in a positive and supportive way, especially since you said y'all are still friends

Talk about how you're going to tell folks when they come. Let people know that your family is changing but its not the end of it. You and her will still be family after this because you share children together. Always.

If you can approach it matter of factly, like that..or shit, even joyfully, then nothing has to be weird

It can be like hey lets enjoy these times while we still live together etc

and it can similarly be explained that way to the kids...the two of you have not failed at anything...i don't buy into that way we describe our lives and our relationships. Your relationship with her is changing. Life changes all the time. People move, people lose jobs and get new ones, people die.

Well the great thing here is: nobody is dying. everyone is alive and that's a great thing...and you guys will help the kids understand that change is a part of life and is meant to be embraced and made the best of...

I've been divorced...twice. I completely understand how hard it is to get to that mindset where you are like, ok I've cried enough about this..now lets make this the most healthy, and joyful breakup of all time LOL

i know it sounds corny but think about how much it would help if everyone could get there

anyway, all that is my weird ,stream of consciousness ramble way of being supportive and telling you you will get through this, and will be a better person for it

*hugs*

d

If he is still bitter it could get ugly. I think it’s something you chill on until you have all the answers because folks will ask all types of questions and if one of them hears some bullshit it could go south real quick.

I’ve never been divorced tho so I may be all types of wrong.

****************
TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*

>It can be inspiring
>
>the two of you can break up in a positive and supportive way,
>especially since you said y'all are still friends

We have, but there's still this underlying gulf. The same gulf that lead to the split to begin with. It's better in some ways but there's so much writing on the wall it's hard to ignore. For me there's no inspiration here. It's just a ball of nausea and depression.

>Talk about how you're going to tell folks when they come. Let
>people know that your family is changing but its not the end
>of it. You and her will still be family after this because
>you share children together. Always.

That's part of what makes this weird. She's adamant that we wait until after the holidays to tell people. Which also makes me wonder if she's waiting until after the holidays to decide she wants me to move out on some "need my space" shit.

>Well the great thing here is: nobody is dying. everyone is
>alive and that's a great thing...and you guys will help the
>kids understand that change is a part of life and is meant to
>be embraced and made the best of...

>I've been divorced...twice. I completely understand how hard
>it is to get to that mindset where you are like, ok I've cried
>enough about this..now lets make this the most healthy, and
>joyful breakup of all time LOL

I'm trying to get into that mindset, but it takes two to get to that place and I don't think she's terribly invested. The way things stand, she'll say the right things while presenting action/inaction that suggests those things are lip service.

>i know it sounds corny but think about how much it would help
>if everyone could get there
>
>anyway, all that is my weird ,stream of consciousness ramble
>way of being supportive and telling you you will get through
>this, and will be a better person for it
>
>*hugs*

Gracias. I'll be trying to put that good foot forward, but realistically the fact that I'll be interacting with her family all day is going to be a tough go. I don't want that. I barely want to be around her or my kids. Work days are long as hell. I want to lie down and watch tv and sleep and nothing else.

I mean, we all know it will *eventually* get better, but for now it's gonna be a huge shit sandwich for a fucking minute with extra diarrhea.

The thing is bigger picture wise its a testament to you that despite all that you've provided a safe stable home for many people around you from ya bro to your current wife when you've insinuated the odds are against that shit. If you ever start drinking I gotchu, lol

>If you ever start
>drinking I gotchu, lol

The fuck you do! That's all bad for everyone. Fortunately I don't have a taste for it, but way back when I was trying to take up that family trade, it was pretty clear that alcohol + me was a terrible combination.

There have been incidents.

But yeah... I appreciate the words. At some point this emotion montage will slow and I'll reflect and say hey, I was able to hold it down.

For something that's kind rough to read i'd read lines like "What the fuck was I thinking, making other people?" and think wow that's pretty good.

you seem to have a good grasp of the *why* of it all, and what you need to do for your kids. I know it doesn't make it easier, but it's good for you in the long run, and def good for your kids.

stay up. those clouds always clear.

>RE: You've got a way with words, man

----------------------------------------

"Fuck aliens." © WarriorPoet415

>For something that's kind rough to read i'd read lines like
>"What the fuck was I thinking, making other people?" and think
>wow that's pretty good.

Ha. That made me smile. Thanks for that.

>you seem to have a good grasp of the *why* of it all, and what
>you need to do for your kids. I know it doesn't make it
>easier, but it's good for you in the long run, and def good
>for your kids.

I hear that. I'm trying to take stock of what work needs to be done, and that requires brutal honesty with myself. It sucks but you're right... it's the way to move forward in a healthy way.

>stay up. those clouds always clear.

The fuck they do lol. In fact that's one thing she pointed out, that I've always got this sense that they never really clear up.

To me they're like that workaholic, asshole boss that goes on vacation but can't relax, so he comes back to work a week early so he get back to the business of making people cry at their desk.

I'm pretty sure you're right on this though, and that's all in my head.

I know you're Dad first, and I have no doubt you'll do the best for your kids.
I think you'll be honorable while you two still live together, so you still even will be looking out for her.

Make sure you look out for yourself too. If you're not okay, you can't be there for anyone.

I'm sorry that you have to deal with knowing you poured love into someone who couldn't reciprocate.
It hurts like a b*tch and can really pull you down into a hole of self pity and doubt if you don't watch it.
It seems like you know it's not your fault. I hope you do.
And I hope you eventually find someone who loves you back with all her might. I think you're due for some love.

>I know you're Dad first, and I have no doubt you'll do the
>best for your kids.
>I think you'll be honorable while you two still live together,
>so you still even will be looking out for her.
>
>Make sure you look out for yourself too. If you're not okay,
>you can't be there for anyone.
>
>I'm sorry that you have to deal with knowing you poured love
>into someone who couldn't reciprocate.
>It hurts like a b*tch and can really pull you down into a hole
>of self pity and doubt if you don't watch it.
>It seems like you know it's not your fault. I hope you do.
>And I hope you eventually find someone who loves you back with
>all her might. I think you're due for some love.

Thanks, Sep.

It's definitely pulling me down the pity rabbit hole, among other things. It's like I have a sixty minute timer that completely shifts my feelings right now. At least I don't stay on the "self pity" settings for too long, so there's that I suppose.

I'm sorry you're going through it. I've got nothing I can add other than - just keep going. Things DO get better.

------------------------------

17x NBA Champions

>I'm sorry you're going through it. I've got nothing I can add
>other than - just keep going. Things DO get better.

Yeah. Hard part here is that she was the "getting better" moment my life. Her presence helped turn that page. I'm in that pit right now where I don't see that bright sunny future again but, hey, time heals all and all that i suppose.

Thanks man.

The distance thing sucks MORE if your children are away.

Put down a joint custody agreement on paper. Center your love and attention on your children. Worry about yourself- if you're fucked up about it, that is what makes it worse for
the children.

Find a habit - playing an instrument, playing basketball at the Y, whatever, that absorbs your attention and go at it hard. Get yourself fit. Then go meet some Women. Not to be a whore or a player...but to reintroduce yourself to the rhythm and energy of their presence. Don't commit- just date and enjoy being appreciated and wanted. Do not introduce your children to these people until you decide you are in a space where there is some permanence. Like if you are not committing, make sure your children understand it so that they aren't weirded out by new people being around you on occasion. Or if there is a commitment, talk to your child about it and then they meet.

You are a whole person beyond this relationship. Trust me on that. Your children will be whole people beyond this relationship. You can honor their mother by being a good father- she doesn't deserve any more than that and you don't deserve any more than her being a good mother to them.

------------------
One Hundred.

>The distance thing sucks MORE if your children are away.
>
>Put down a joint custody agreement on paper. Center your love
>and attention on your children. Worry about yourself- if
>you're fucked up about it, that is what makes it worse for
>the children.
>
>Find a habit - playing an instrument, playing basketball at
>the Y, whatever, that absorbs your attention and go at it
>hard.

Yeah. The plus is I just got a whole new production setup, so I do take some time to get some reps in. It sort of helps, but I've never been good at creating through pain. I basically have to be free of emotion to really do this well. But there are some moments where i've managed to engross myself.

>Get yourself fit. Then go meet some Women. Not to be
>a whore or a player...but to reintroduce yourself to the
>rhythm and energy of their presence. Don't commit- just date
>and enjoy being appreciated and wanted.

Yeah I'm hoping I can drag my ass to the gym starting this coming week. Far as the women folk... we'll see lol. I'm not sure when I'll ready to handle rejection though, even in slight ways, lol. But yeah. In time.

Do not introduce your
>children to these people until you decide you are in a space
>where there is some permanence. Like if you are not
>committing, make sure your children understand it so that they
>aren't weirded out by new people being around you on occasion.
> Or if there is a commitment, talk to your child about it and
>then they meet.

THIS. This whole prospect is daunting, at least for now. all in due time I suppose. But yeah... Definitely not bringing anyone new around my kids unless she's truly promising.

You're going through all sorts of shit, but from what you've shared on here before, you've been making it through all sorts of shit that life has thrown at you since you set foot on this planet.

Just keep on pushing. You know you have to be there for your kids. The situation might truly, but I know you have the ability and the will to handle it.

-----------------

www.albumism.com

Checkin' Our Style, Return To Zero:

https://www.mixcloud.com/returntozero/

>You're going through all sorts of shit, but from what you've
>shared on here before, you've been making it through all sorts
>of shit that life has thrown at you since you set foot on this
>planet.
>
>Just keep on pushing. You know you have to be there for your
>kids. The situation might truly, but I know you have the
>ability and the will to handle it.

I hope so. I keep hitting these pockets of "fuck it" where I'm not handling it well at all. I transferred to our call center awhile back and right now that's looking like a mistake. But I'm trying.

Thanks.

I don't even know you but I feel like I know that.

Stay strong man.

************************

>I don't even know you but I feel like I know that.

Thanks. I'm hoping *I* get to a place where I know that. This helps.

I genuinely thank you for sharing. I'm sorry for what you're going through, but it seems like your brain is in the right place to build and continue a prosperous life.

I appreciate the story a lot because I just got hitched a few months ago, myself. My lady and I don't have huge lingering red flags or unresolved stuff, but it's important to not let anything grow or fester...it can happen to anyone.
______________________________
http://i.imgur.com/v2ye7l2.jpg

>I genuinely thank you for sharing. I'm sorry for what you're
>going through, but it seems like your brain is in the right
>place to build and continue a prosperous life.
>
>I appreciate the story a lot because I just got hitched a few
>months ago, myself. My lady and I don't have huge lingering
>red flags or unresolved stuff, but it's important to not let
>anything grow or fester...it can happen to anyone.

Thanks. Good to hear you guys are off to a stable start..... LET THIS BE A WARNING TO YOU. lol. Best wishes for real.

Well over a decade together, 8+ years married, 2 kids; etc. Our dynamic was a bit different, but it doesn’t make things any less painful. We’re still trying to process this and only a few select friends and fam know. Shit, we have no real idea as to how this will change our living situation. Oddly enough, I feel confident we will remain close friends and do a hell of a job co-parenting our kids. The thought of not being there to kiss my son and daughter goodnight each night is frightening though and brings me to tears often.

I rarely post anything personal here so I don’t feel comfortable elaborating too much. Just know you aren’t alone in your battle and you got plenty of support. Judging from your post, you sound like you’re handling this in a mature and admirable way. Lots of posters here dropped gems too that I’m sure can help assist you in processing your feelings at the moment.

I wish you the best in this difficult, but ultimately necessary transition in your life.

Even with all the shit I've been through... this is a special kind of pain, on some Extra Strength Agony shit. Hit me up if you ever need to get some shit off your chest.

Don’t even worry about sharing it. That was therapeutic for me.

This post has helped tremendously.

As an aside, how fucked is it that the word "tremendous" has been tainted by The Donald? That dick ruined the word "tremendous".

thats what I learned
this life takes many turns and sometimes shit is out of our control
keep your head up!
just know time will pass and you gotta learn to heal
let it go
let it all go
dont let it consume you

>thats what I learned
>this life takes many turns and sometimes shit is out of our
>control
>keep your head up!
>just know time will pass and you gotta learn to heal
>let it go
>let it all go
>dont let it consume you

I feel this in pockets. Moments where I feel free, where I look at the possibilities. Then it's back to life and reality for a bit.

It's tough, man, you know nothing is guaranteed and it sounds like you knew this wasn't guaranteed from the start. Still you worked hard to make it function and now the whole shit just seems for naught, worse yet now you gotta sort all this out and do everything in a way that's half-assed and double the price. But at the same time you *did* make people and *did* forge bonds that made you feel a way you had never felt before. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, blah blah, lots of platitudes here but beyond being sad right now this in this moment, how do you feel about it all? If you had that time machine, would you really do anything differently?

And you will know MY JACKET IS GOLD when I lay my vengeance upon thee.

My kids are the biggest complication here, because any changes mean I don't have them. I regret that it's over as much as I regret that it ever happened. There's a small piece of me that wishes I didn't have them.

But that's the same piece of me that always regretted having them, because I've always had the "what was I thinking, making people?" Feeling.

Shit I had that feeling being in a relationship at all. Because bringing someone into my world is a lot. Her family has their issues, but its all love and everyone has each other's back. Mine is all issues, all the time.

So then I think about how my kids are at the mercy of how well I'm able to hold it down. How well I can do financia7lly. I've never been confident in that ability. The family they'll never really know so that they don't have to put up with all the negative shit that those people bring.

But now that there here, even with a hypothetical time machine, I doubt I could handle erasing them from my life. I could go back to before I met her and suck that up because I already know how it ends and a piece of me knew this was a possibility all the way back then. Since she's the mother of my children I am stuck having to maintain some sort of bond but I would absolutely cut her out of my life and never speak to her again roght this minute if I could. More out of pain than any anger. She's a good person and I loved her for a reason, but nah. I'd absolutely move on from her in a clean break right this second if that were an option.

But they change the equation. So even in a hypothetical, I can't see myself going back and erasing them from my world.

I once vented about us not having quality time due to me working 5 AM to 2 PM and being asleep before her, someone turned that into "look at all the problems you're having"

I dont have suggestions for anyone's marriage other than pick the right partner for you and be the right partner for them, but that's kind of a crock because people are subject to changing up at any given time.

it's a big world out there, you can bounce back if it's really over. other than that, take it one day at a time if you two can commit to working through it. trust that I understand the low points of a marital union though

no okp's insults or clowning have ever prevented me from doing anything i wanted to do

they have no power.

d

to score snark points would just be confirming that they're a scumbag.

Plus, most of the folks who definitely would go that route are in exile and if they return, they'll be back on time out soon enough.

-30-
You know it's drama, but it sound real good.

We have had our back and forths on here and as I’ve always said...those ain’t that serious.

Wish you the best during your hard time.

Always something better ahead, it’s just hard to see in the moment.

>We have had our back and forths on here and as I’ve always
>said...those ain’t that serious.
>
>Wish you the best during your hard time.
>
>Always something better ahead, it’s just hard to see in the
>moment.

Truth be told, I got warm fuzzies reading this one.

I think this is a good microcosm of the goodness of OKP. We have our dumb lil board beefs and talk our shit but real life has a way of grounding people.

I'm sure we'll have a lil bullshit down the road but it's good to know that there is a line where the real person supersedes his or her screen name.

Thanks.

That. Shit. Ain't. Gon. Work.

Ever.

Believe me, I've tried. Sometimes you just love her company, sometimes it's an ego thing, and in your case, you wanted to maintain a stability that you lacked growing up for the sake of your children. It was the right thing to do. If you kept going, that distance would have turned into resentment...and children can feel that, esp as they go into adolescence. It hurts but in the end this is the best thing for you and the children.

Neil Young has a line that goes: "When I see boredom in your eyes, I know my river has run dry"

Life is an endless unfolding, every ending is a new beginning. You ain't old yet breh, a new adventure awaits.

-------------------------------
If life is stupendous one cannot also demand that it should be easy. - Robert Musil

resonates deeply with my current situation. That Neil Young quote is so profound and true.

>That. Shit. Ain't. Gon. Work.
>
>Ever.
>
>Believe me, I've tried. Sometimes you just love her company,
>sometimes it's an ego thing, and in your case, you wanted to
>maintain a stability that you lacked growing up for the sake
>of your children. It was the right thing to do. If you kept
>going, that distance would have turned into resentment...and
>children can feel that, esp as they go into adolescence. It
>hurts but in the end this is the best thing for you and the
>children.
>
>Neil Young has a line that goes: "When I see boredom in your
>eyes, I know my river has run dry"
>
>Life is an endless unfolding, every ending is a new beginning.
>You ain't old yet breh, a new adventure awaits.

****************
TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*

.

...I'm from the era when A.I. was the answer, now they think ai is the answer - Marlon Craft

just sayin

And this might be a semantics thing, but I kind of feel that in every relationship their is a slight power dynamic and one party "loves" one party more than the other. Never a pure partnership. Never 50/50.

Now saying a 90/10 relationship works. but more like 55/45. 60/40.

I say this considering all the relationships I know that seem to be working including my own (and of course I am the one in the relationship that loves more).

I think the secret to that is don't love more someone who will misuse and mistreat that love. It's alot of power to give someone. Have to pick someone who appreciates it and won't misuse it.


**********
"Everyone has a plan until you punch them in the face. Then they don't have a plan anymore." (c) Mike Tyson

"what's a leader if he isn't reluctant"

in fact, i'd even go so far as to say that in those 60/40 or 55/45 relationships, it pretty much mainly works in the long run when the man is the one who loves the woman a little more than she loves him.

d