When I was maybe 10 years old my family went through a lot of shit. My mom had had a big health scare, our business totally fell apart, we were broke as fuck (at one point I had save 13K and it was the only money we had at all, which we then spent, of course) and my parents probably should have gotten a divorce but didn't. We all started going, my parents went to a free one at the community center and talked some guy who had a big rep into giving discount sessions for me (their MO was always to put me first, even to a fault sometimes). It was a waste of time for me. I was pretty self-aware and so basically it was a series of "how do you feel" type questions trying to uncover something new. The only thing was that I had a pretty defined idea of how I felt and I wasn't really asking for anything from other people, really I felt well taken care of myself and just wanted people around me to be happier, though I didn't necessarily need that either. In the end, we played a lot of board games. Later I went to some other therapist, a free one, maybe I was 12 then. She didn't seem to have much to offer though she told me I was welcome to keep coming, which I did for a while.

Now, in my adult life one of my mentors was a huge proponent of therapy (and she was also into EST, like the Landmark Forum or whatever). She tried to get me back into it just as a means of coping with being a sensitive, insightful person in a fucked-up world (she was really brilliant, totally on another level from me) but I only kind of flirted with the idea. The EST thing definitely wasn't for me. Two of my best friends benefited a lot from therapy, the one kid was basically the product of a domineering mother who had a lot of weird gender confusion stuff in his household also and I think it put him on a clear, independent path. He's done well, married with two kids and a comfortable life now. The other was a pretty hard-driving lawyer who got caught up in all sorts of pills and shit, first painkillers and later all types of downers. He did the rehab thing but didn't buy that deep into it, it was more the consistent therapy stuff that let him get over it and just stick to smoking weed to chill out.

I've also dated a couple people who I helped get into therapy as a mutual decision. One had a lot of traumas from her childhood--without getting too detailed, she sustained two different types of abuse as a kid. I think it helped her but basically the day she went to therapy she was a zombie, we couldn't see each other on those days at all. She also had a hard time really opening up, she would lie to the therapist and often about inconsequential, face-saving things, though sometimes about big stuff. It helped her to a point and she got her shit together in a relative way, but not really. Still had a lot of bad, old habits but it was painful for her to stick with the process so she just kind of made due. It was sad because she was a really sharp, funny, charismatic girl. Another one had more clear symptoms of depression and had gone through a tumultuous time from maybe age 10 to 16, and then again from like 22 to 24. Therapy helped her a lot in terms of managing her emotions--mainly sadness and rage--and broadening his perspective. But even there, with a positive example, it's going to be a lifelong thing for her. It isn't like you go, get patched up and you're good as new, obviously.

Recently I've considered giving it another shot myself but instead I've found other things to center me and make me more self-aware. Social interaction is a big one, and man is that getting tougher and tougher in America between the physical and virtual isolation that're prevalent now. Guided meditation is also good, and I find repetitive activities with rewards clear the mind and ease the soul (I will fuck you at the foul line man, I'm hitting 18/20 consistently now).

And you will know MY JACKET IS GOLD when I lay my vengeance upon thee.