what level of affection is appropriate? like is it ok for a stepparent to hug and kiss on their young stepchild? what about sleeping in the bed with them? letting them sit on your lap?
if you have stepchildren, do you call them your son or daughter or call them your stepson or stepdaughter?
is the role of the stepparent only to be the "helper" in raising the child?
please share your experiences/adventures with step parenting
1. "Be on the same page with the Bio Parent and remove the word Step" In response to Reply # 0
But that same page and understanding is the key. . . . "And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful." ~ 2 Tim 2:4
51. "You never want to distance yourself vis the word Step" In response to Reply # 3
Blended families can be tough to work with, but in time things can work. As for the word Step, it kinda places a distance between that person and the child and Bio parent. Step give off a connotation that you one is only half-way in or part of the family. IMO
. . . "And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful." ~ 2 Tim 2:4
5. "RE: Be on the same page with the Bio Parent and remove the word Step" In response to Reply # 1
Yup!
That "step" prefix, IMO, helps to foster an unnecessary boundary. I'm no "stepfather" if I'm raising you and helping to fund your upbringing, dreams, etc. when the "Bio" is unavailable or unable to.
50. "so the kid automatically calls them Mom or Dad?" In response to Reply # 1
>But that same page and understanding is the key. >. >. >. >"And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but must be >kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful." ~ 2 Tim 2:4
52. "I never said anything about what the kid calls the person." In response to Reply # 50
But if you treat them like a Bio Child they will eventually call you Mom or Dad. But that all depends on how things are discussed upfront. The child will sway between calling someone by their first man, set-XYZ and or Mom/Dad until the are comfortable.
. . . "And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful." ~ 2 Tim 2:4
7. "you can have more than one mom or dad..." In response to Reply # 6 Wed Mar-18-15 11:59 AM by CyrenYoung
..the world is better with less imaginary boundaries.
children of fractured families eventually find their way. its up to the responsible adults involved to guide them. parents won't always be aligned (disagreements are a natural part of life), but they should certainly maintain a standard set of principles.
11. "i dunno. that seems kinda harsh." In response to Reply # 9
i mean what do i know but it seems like the bio parent has a right to enforce certain boundaries between their own child and the step parent. as long as they are reasonable.
15. "no i dont think of it as replacing at all" In response to Reply # 12 Wed Mar-18-15 12:31 PM by NikaMandela
moreso that i see these types of behaviors as being on the same level as the bio parent.
which kinda goes back to some of the specific questions i asked....like if its appropriate for a stepparent to be as affectionate with a bio child as a bio parent would be. things like hugging and kissing on a child, sleeping in the bed with them, etc.
33. "I call some of my friends' parents mom and dad too." In response to Reply # 15
Despite having very loving, active and engaged biological parents. But I don't think my parents ever took an affront to me calling other people mom and dad.
Love isn't a zero-sum equation. Me loving my parents doesn't remove the capacity for loving others as well. The converse is also true.
I think it's only deep if there's insecurity there. Otherwise, be grateful the kid's so loved in the first place.
__________________________
Just tryna do the best that I can with what it is I have...
58. "^^If only it were that easy" In response to Reply # 33
>I think it's only deep if there's insecurity there. Otherwise, >be grateful the kid's so loved in the first place.
You are spot on though. Been going through some version of this for the last 13 years with my wife, son and his mom.
<-- Dave Thomas knows what's up... __________________________
Jay: Look here homie, any nigga can get a hit record. This here is about respect. Game: Like Gladys Knight. Jay: Aretha Franklin. Game: Word, I like her too. Jay: Nigga...
16. "why would anyone challenge the bond of a child?.." In response to Reply # 11
..that clearly loves the family it was born into?
its completely understandable to recognize that fractured families aren't the easiest route to navigate, but that shouldn't result in competition or ridiculous barriers.
13. "give love, support, and education. just like any other parent." In response to Reply # 0
The responsibility is shared between the natural parent and the stepparent to shape the dynamic of the new family into one of respect and safety for all involved.
Ideally this starts well before marriage with clear and honest communication between the adults.
18. "That works fine until it comes to disciplining that child...that's when" In response to Reply # 14
you're reminded that you're not the biological parent...
>if you wouldnt do what youre doing or saying to your child, >dont do it or say it to someone elses. > >yes, love the kid. > >yes support the "biological" parent in discipline > >its tough > > >does it really matter? > >wonder what bin's doing? >http://i.imgur.com/phECCMp.jpg
20. "yes. i should have included that." In response to Reply # 18
i mean, its easy to give a child love and support. but when it comes to disciplining the child, deciding what they eat and dont eat, teaching them, etc....is that when you step back and say thats not my role?
23. "that's a conversation you and your partner should have early on" In response to Reply # 20
if you are expected to treat the child as your own. Love the child and provide for the child. Then you should be allowed to discipline the child when they need it. You cant be expected to act like the child is yours one way, then be a spectator in another way. You are either all the way in or not at all.
November 8th, 2005 The greatest night in the history of GD!
24. "clear discussion. lay that shit out." In response to Reply # 19
so much confusion in life is due to peoples misunderstanding. if we as people just clearly say what we want, what we expect, what we assume, and honestly ask for feedback & cooperation. i think it all works out.
22. "I know he won't ever call me "dad", but he knows I've practically been t..." In response to Reply # 0
his whole life since he was five and he's 14 now. Every life milestone he's had I've been there for and with him. I love that young man and I know he loves me. Whether he ever calls me "dad" or not will never bother me, nor will me and my wife ever push him to do it. But he does know that I've been there to help raise him, guide him, discipline him, and teach him. I pretty much removed the "step" from what I call him. Kinda like how my oldest brother, for as long as I can remember, has never called my dad "stepdad" or me and my bio brother "stepbrothers".
---------------------------------- www.maxptah.com "you gotta be real white to hate on a nxgga for eating." (c) okp infin8
25. "I got a story to tell. I was given the boot by a stepparent. " In response to Reply # 0
So if I have nieces (My wife's sisters kids) that I adore and have been in their life as long as they both can remember.
I love those girls and would do anything for them and have tried to be the supportive male figure in their life since there dad wasn't around. Because their dad wasn't around my wife and I often pitched in and kept them for days at a time, bought them stuff, took them on vacation and just generally been there for them. Heck they were even living with us part of the week last year because we live closer to their school than their parents.
Anyway eventually my sister n law started seeing a dude and they got serious very quickly. The family kind of resisted dude because he jumped into the dad roll real quick disciplining the girls and giving them chores and what not. We were appalled when the girls started calling him dad even before they were married.
Also wasn't a fan of how affectionate the girls were with him. I wouldn't do all that having them sitting on my lap and constant hugging with them because I didn't think it was appropriate so I was taken aback to see them that way with him.
So my attitude was to sit back and see if this dude blows it and their relationship falls apart. He may come or go but I would always be there uncle there for them.
That was 5 years ago. They've gotten married and while I don't necessarily approve of his parenting style all the time (West Indian Dude. SMH) dude is there doing the work and playing the role of dad. I'm glad he is doing it and he is ultimately having a positive impact on the girls.
All of this has mean that I have had to fall back alot and let that dude play the role of dad.
One of the girls wanted to take a family picture the other day and she left the step dad out for some reason but she also left me out and I felt some kind of way
What was the point of this story? IDK.
********** "Everyone has a plan until you punch them in the face. Then they don't have a plan anymore." (c) Mike Tyson
"One of the most important things in life is what Judge Learned Hand described as 'that ever-gnawing inner doubt as to whether you're r
34. "I had *two* stepfathers and I can tell you how that worked..." In response to Reply # 0
the first was my sister's dad, who I called by his first name then and now. he married my mom when I was 3 or 4. He treated me like a daughter, but I never considered him my father because I had a father. I respected him and his authority, but he never could punish me, never had a reason to. He was actually like one of my uncles. but i refer to him as my sister's dad most of the time. however, when I call him and other ppl answer the phone, i call him dad or say "this is his daughter Steph". Yes, I'm affectionate with him, hugs, kisses, I love yous.
my second one came in when I was like 15. He was 30. He was always trying to be helpful but I didn't go for it. I didn't feel like he should have been able to punish my sister (he did. his son and my sis were the same age so they got in all the trouble). However, he was helpful in a lot of ways and was more like an older cousin who happened to be dating my mom. Wasn't ever affectionate with him. Only because as i got older, he was the age of a man who'd want to date me.
I know some ppl dont like the term step but I have a father. He was in my life. I'm not calling another man "dad" when I have my own dad present. I wouldn't do that to my mom either. But each relationship is different as such, a person's role as a "Step" parent has to be discussed with the OG parents and the children.
35. "So what do you/will you call your in-laws?" In response to Reply # 34
he age of a man who'd want to date me. > >I know some ppl dont like the term step but I have a father. >He was in my life. I'm not calling another man "dad" when I >have my own dad present. I wouldn't do that to my mom either. >But each relationship is different as such, a person's role as >a "Step" parent has to be discussed with the OG parents and >the children. > >
"when I was growin' up if we wanted a jacuzzi we had to fart in the tub!"
36. "Mr. and Mrs. (insert first or last name)" In response to Reply # 35
even at my closest point of marriage, his mom always stressed I call her by her first name...but I called her Ms. (first name).
Now I will say I called my sister's dad's mom Grandma (first name). And I called her aunts and uncles, aunt and uncle (whoever).
It just seems odd to me, and it always has. I really can't call someone who isn't my blood parent, Mom or Dad. My family is mixed, some of them do call their in laws mom and dad, some don't. It's personal preference. but when these relationships aren't long lasting, and aren't cemented in stone, why bother?
Like this kid starts calling you mom or dad, y'all break up. Y'all don't have kids. Divorce done. You get married to a new woman or man, now you have another mom or dad? That shit is too much.
Nah, my dad is my dad. My mom is my mom. The rest of you are just there.
46. "I hear you but it sounds kind of short-sighted, it would probably start...." In response to Reply # 36
out that way but if you're married to somebody for 15-20 years and have children with them I that think it would be weird if that far in you're still addressing each others parents that formally as Mr & Mrs So-and-So
"when I was growin' up if we wanted a jacuzzi we had to fart in the tub!"
48. "people in my family do it all the time..." In response to Reply # 46 Wed Mar-18-15 04:13 PM by StephBMore
my uncle who has been with my aunt for almost 40 years calls my grandma "Ms. (last name)". My aunt calls his parents Momma (last name) and Daddy (last name).
My other uncles do the same Ms (last name). One calls her "Mama (first name)".
so is it short sighted to me? no because that's how it is in my family and what I have grown to know. Most of my family doesn't do it, so I don't see why that would change in my mind just because I'm with someone for years.
But to be honest, my ex did call my mom "mom." but that's because he didn't like his own mom.
Also my sis's dad has been in my life 30 plus years. IF i have no inclination to call him dad, then there's no way I'm calling my SO's parents "mom and dad."
40. "Is it a NYC thing of calling ppl other than your parents, mom and dad?" In response to Reply # 0
My wife and all her friends call each other parents "mom" and "dad" and she called my parents that but I had a hard time calling her parents that. I do it for the mother but I still call the dad "Mr. ---". Is that a new york thing?
********** "Everyone has a plan until you punch them in the face. Then they don't have a plan anymore." (c) Mike Tyson
"One of the most important things in life is what Judge Learned Hand described as 'that ever-gnawing inner doubt as to whether you're r
43. "RE: What is the role of a stepparent?" In response to Reply # 0
>particularly of a young child...say under 10. > >what level of affection is appropriate? like is it ok for a >stepparent to hug and kiss on their young stepchild?
why wouldnt it be?
>about sleeping in the bed with them? letting them sit on your >lap?
Is it age-appropriate? it was cool when they were 3 and 5...but as they got older NAH. If somebody had a bad dream and wanted to get in bed w/us that was OK, but at a certain maturity level I started walkin they ass back into their OWN bedroom. fuck that. > >if you have stepchildren, do you call them your son or >daughter or call them your stepson or stepdaughter?
I call them my daughters. I hear them refer to me as 'my Dad' > >is the role of the stepparent only to be the "helper" in >raising the child?
No, not always. Some shit had just been mishandled period and it was clear that 'past practices' were the reason for the current issue. I explained my perspective and took control of the situation. 'helper' my ass...LOL > >please share your experiences/adventures with step parenting >
it's an adventure definitely. I was already raising 2 girls...then we had one together. balancing the relationship and the need for attention is a motherf--ker; there's always the nagging question in my mind of whether I'm doing the right thing.
54. "i'll say this: bio parents establish the child rearing ideology/vision" In response to Reply # 0
if you're the non biological parent, you got there late in the game. they were doing XYZ long before you came into the equation.
now that you're there, you can't just overhaul the entire scheme. you can interject and influence the situation, but behaviors will only change when the bio parent is the main force spearheading that change.
kids know the deal. they know that they're now being told that they should do less of XYZ and more of this, that & the third because the non biological parent ain't cool with it. they know that the new rules ain't coming from the bio cuz the bio ain't been making them do it before then.
that's a rough space in which to operate.
in order to get those necessary changes made, the bio has to buy into the new system. the bio has to be convinced beyond a doubt that this new way is the better way. when the bio champions the cause, the two can now parent on the same plane and be effective.
if the bio is just going along to appease the non-bio, the kids will sense it and secretly despise that newly arrived parental figure. sure, they won't buck out of respect but they'll be reluctant as hell. and depending on the kid, they just might buck.
hopefully that made sense. it's hard to make a point and censor yourself at the same time...
57. "a lot of this will also depend" In response to Reply # 0
on how involved/present the bio is. if she's pretty active and doing the mom stuff, you'll naturally be secondary mom. however, she should be respectful enough to accept that you'll be around for more than a couple of months and that you're there not as an enemy.
Printer-friendly copy 
Email this topic to a friend
General Discussion
