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Subject: "Maybe I shouldn't have told my boy to marry that girl. " Previous topic | Next topic
Buddy_Gilapagos
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Tue Feb-24-15 10:09 AM

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"Maybe I shouldn't have told my boy to marry that girl. "


  

          

So two weeks before my boy was to get married he called me and he said he and his lady had been having lots of hearts to heart and they were doubting whether they wanted to get married. My position was, look homey we've bought those expensive tickets and I expect to see a wedding. Joking aside, I said that he was just experiencing cold feet and everyone does.

Now I had my reservation. Dude had been caught out there and at times it seemed like she would never be able to get past it. However, my dude had other friends and people in his life to give him the don't do it, reconsider argument. I know another mutual friend did it. Also his mom hit him with, "the choice is yours and we will support you either way" (coming from a mom that's an effective "don't do it").

At the end of the day my advice was calling off the wedding a few days before the event is some stuff for the movies, give it a try and if it don't work out you'll know soon enough and then you can call it quits.

Well they did get married and in a short time later she was pregnant, which of course, changes everything.

These days dude seems a bit defeated. Everytime we talk the first thing out of his mouth is some story of her making his life miserable. I've been discounting that talk alot because dude always talks like that and the fact is I always felt dude needed someone to come down hard on him because he was immature and needed some growing up to do.


But what has made me thinking there marriage was maybe a mistake is that this girl does a lot of open talk about divorce. Like she made a comment about how she wanted to go to the doctor because dude recently dropped their newborn accidentally in order to leave a paper trial of his bad parenting in case they get divorce. Who does that!?!?!?

A couple of things:

1. Ever known couples whose main form of communication is bickering? They are one of those. Even when they aren't mad at each other they are bickering. What happens to those couples?

2. I am getting the general impression that it is harder to marry children of divorce (even harder than dating a child of a single parent). I feel like a.) they tend to be suspicious and cynical about the whole institution of marriage and b.) they are are kind of quick to check out and go the divorce route. I am a firm believer that an unhappy couple without kids should divorce but I don't believe it should be that simple a decision when kids are involved.

3. Umm, Is it too late to say dude I may have been wrong with my advice?

4. Do people really call off weddings two weeks before? Ever seen that happen?


**********
"Everyone has a plan until you punch them in the face. Then they don't have a plan anymore." (c) Mike Tyson

"One of the most important things in life is what Judge Learned Hand described as 'that ever-gnawing inner doubt as to whether you're r

  

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Topic Outline
Subject Author Message Date ID
all that doubt and you still pushed your mans into it
Feb 24th 2015
1
Rule of thumb:
Feb 24th 2015
2
I think it's too much involvement for you to tell me how to relate to my
Feb 24th 2015
3
      That's precisely my point
Feb 24th 2015
8
      I am not carrying shit around.
Feb 24th 2015
10
           HaHa.
Feb 24th 2015
12
                I don't think the long post is about my guilt giving that advice.
Feb 24th 2015
19
      Whoa. That was weird/awkward.
Feb 24th 2015
13
Face this fact. He was gonna get married anyway. Regardless of your advi...
Feb 24th 2015
4
Oh yeah. I definitely wasn't the deciding factor. What I didn't want to...
Feb 24th 2015
6
"don't make any choices you can't live with" (c) my mother
Feb 24th 2015
5
excellent advice
Feb 24th 2015
7
you're a shitty friend, you said yourself dude has maturity issues...
Feb 24th 2015
9
I've seen a lot of dudes mature from marriage myself included.
Feb 24th 2015
11
      obviously he didn't marry the right person....
Feb 24th 2015
14
      I don't think it's obvious.
Feb 24th 2015
17
      that may be but part of that is the right person
Feb 24th 2015
15
not true necessarily regarding children of divorce
Feb 24th 2015
16
I have. I still think child of divorce can be harder.
Feb 24th 2015
18
that dude is sleeping with the enemy
Feb 24th 2015
20

bonitaapplebaum71481
Member since Aug 04th 2003
22576 posts
Tue Feb-24-15 10:15 AM

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1. "all that doubt and you still pushed your mans into it"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

what kinda friend are you? lol

but nah seriously, your friend decided to do all that shit... if anything, push a homie into some counseling cuz you can't tell him you fucked up with the advice


"i wanna hug all u idiotic bastards & then set you all on fire" -Bin

www.twitter.com/bedstuybetty
http://bedstuybetty.tumblr.com/
DROkayplayer: Giving you good puff since May '05

  

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initiationofplato
Member since Nov 06th 2013
2420 posts
Tue Feb-24-15 10:16 AM

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2. "Rule of thumb:"
In response to Reply # 0


          

Don't ever get mixed up with people's problems like that. You are far too deep imo and are now bearing responsibility for the advise you offer. Better let the wrinkles smooth out themselves if they can. Yes, he's your friend, but, this is TMI (too much involvement) imo.

~Experience is the currency of the soul.

  

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Buddy_Gilapagos
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45349 posts
Tue Feb-24-15 10:18 AM

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3. "I think it's too much involvement for you to tell me how to relate to my"
In response to Reply # 2


  

          

homies sooo I guess its a wash.


**********
"Everyone has a plan until you punch them in the face. Then they don't have a plan anymore." (c) Mike Tyson

"One of the most important things in life is what Judge Learned Hand described as 'that ever-gnawing inner doubt as to whether you're r

  

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initiationofplato
Member since Nov 06th 2013
2420 posts
Tue Feb-24-15 10:31 AM

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8. "That's precisely my point"
In response to Reply # 3


          

You put so much personal info out there that you now have to be responsible for, shrug. Seems like a lot of stuff to carry around that really doesn't have a single thing to do with you.

~Experience is the currency of the soul.

  

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Buddy_Gilapagos
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45349 posts
Tue Feb-24-15 10:35 AM

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10. "I am not carrying shit around. "
In response to Reply # 8


  

          


**********
"Everyone has a plan until you punch them in the face. Then they don't have a plan anymore." (c) Mike Tyson

"One of the most important things in life is what Judge Learned Hand described as 'that ever-gnawing inner doubt as to whether you're r

  

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initiationofplato
Member since Nov 06th 2013
2420 posts
Tue Feb-24-15 10:43 AM

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12. "HaHa."
In response to Reply # 10


          

That's a fairly long and detailed post hombre.

~Experience is the currency of the soul.

  

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Buddy_Gilapagos
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45349 posts
Tue Feb-24-15 11:24 AM

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19. "I don't think the long post is about my guilt giving that advice. "
In response to Reply # 12


  

          


**********
"Everyone has a plan until you punch them in the face. Then they don't have a plan anymore." (c) Mike Tyson

"One of the most important things in life is what Judge Learned Hand described as 'that ever-gnawing inner doubt as to whether you're r

  

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Brew
Member since Nov 23rd 2002
19702 posts
Tue Feb-24-15 10:44 AM

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13. "Whoa. That was weird/awkward."
In response to Reply # 3
Tue Feb-24-15 10:46 AM by Brew

          

Bro - you came to this board begging for advice and thoughts concerning this situation, he gave you his thoughts and now you're telling him he shouldn't be telling you his thoughts. WHAT BRO?!

Especially considering his advice was really cordial and level-headed. He wasn't attacking you.

Furthermore - I agree with him. Of course you can offer advice and support to your friend, but to think that somehow you're at fault for their shitty marriage because you happened to think that their heart to hearts pre-wedding were just normal cold-feet-like feelings is just ridiculous. That's all dood was saying. You can't let that affect you and eat away at you. When he reaches out, offer the best advice you can then worry about your own shit.

The answers to all your other questions are - yes - people split up weeks before the wedding ALL the time. I'm 31 and I've heard of at least 3 stories like that, including one where the girl left the dood standing at the alter. Stranger things have happened than your bickering friends. It's "normal," as in, everything in marriage is normal, nothing new under the sun.

Couples also get divorced REALLY soon after their nuptials, like, ALL THE TIME. Again, I'm 31, and I've seen AT LEAST 12 examples of that happening within like 6 months to a year. Sometimes even sooner.

So - again. Not sure why you got so defensive and weird in response to his thoughts, especially since you came here and asked for them. But - in short, like I said, offer your advice to him when he asks for it, and never feel guilty for giving your thoughts. You're not there day to day, minute to minute with them so there's no way for you to possibly know the depths of their problems beyond what he tells you ... which means there's no way you should feel at ALL responsible for what they're going through just cause you offered some advice.

Kinda like how Initiation shouldn't feel responsible for giving you advice in response to your request for it, even if you do end up getting weirdly defensive about it.

----------------------------------------

"Fuck aliens." © WarriorPoet415

  

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Case_One
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Tue Feb-24-15 10:20 AM

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4. "Face this fact. He was gonna get married anyway. Regardless of your advi..."
In response to Reply # 0


  

          


.
.
.
"Today is your day to have a better life -- it's your right."

  

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Buddy_Gilapagos
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45349 posts
Tue Feb-24-15 10:22 AM

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6. "Oh yeah. I definitely wasn't the deciding factor. What I didn't want to..."
In response to Reply # 4


  

          

was the dude who tell him not to do it but then he does it anyway.

**********
"Everyone has a plan until you punch them in the face. Then they don't have a plan anymore." (c) Mike Tyson

"One of the most important things in life is what Judge Learned Hand described as 'that ever-gnawing inner doubt as to whether you're r

  

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MEAT
Member since Feb 08th 2008
19610 posts
Tue Feb-24-15 10:21 AM

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5. ""don't make any choices you can't live with" (c) my mother"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

I love that advice

-------
“There is no fate that cannot be surmounted by scorn.” -Albert Camus

  

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teefiveten
Member since Oct 02nd 2008
33019 posts
Tue Feb-24-15 10:30 AM

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7. "excellent advice"
In response to Reply # 5


  

          

.

*************************************
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"if the children are not initiated into the village they will burn it down just to feel its warmth." - african proverb

  

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Billy Ray Valentine
Member since Jul 08th 2005
675 posts
Tue Feb-24-15 10:32 AM

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9. "you're a shitty friend, you said yourself dude has maturity issues..."
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

getting married usually doesn't fix that, lol

"when I was growin' up if we wanted a jacuzzi we had to fart in the tub!"

  

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Buddy_Gilapagos
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Tue Feb-24-15 10:36 AM

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11. "I've seen a lot of dudes mature from marriage myself included."
In response to Reply # 9


  

          


**********
"Everyone has a plan until you punch them in the face. Then they don't have a plan anymore." (c) Mike Tyson

"One of the most important things in life is what Judge Learned Hand described as 'that ever-gnawing inner doubt as to whether you're r

  

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bonitaapplebaum71481
Member since Aug 04th 2003
22576 posts
Tue Feb-24-15 10:46 AM

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14. "obviously he didn't marry the right person...."
In response to Reply # 11


  

          


n/m


"i wanna hug all u idiotic bastards & then set you all on fire" -Bin

www.twitter.com/bedstuybetty
http://bedstuybetty.tumblr.com/
DROkayplayer: Giving you good puff since May '05

  

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Buddy_Gilapagos
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Tue Feb-24-15 11:21 AM

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17. "I don't think it's obvious. "
In response to Reply # 14


  

          


**********
"Everyone has a plan until you punch them in the face. Then they don't have a plan anymore." (c) Mike Tyson

"One of the most important things in life is what Judge Learned Hand described as 'that ever-gnawing inner doubt as to whether you're r

  

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teefiveten
Member since Oct 02nd 2008
33019 posts
Tue Feb-24-15 10:48 AM

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15. "that may be but part of that is the right person"
In response to Reply # 11


  

          

to mature with?
but i may be wrong i'm an old spinster

*************************************
like.me
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"if the children are not initiated into the village they will burn it down just to feel its warmth." - african proverb

  

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T Reynolds
Member since Apr 16th 2007
42004 posts
Tue Feb-24-15 10:57 AM

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16. "not true necessarily regarding children of divorce"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          


>2. I am getting the general impression that it is harder to
>marry children of divorce (even harder than dating a child of
>a single parent). I feel like a.) they tend to be suspicious
>and cynical about the whole institution of marriage

Ever dated a girl with parents in traditional, but very unhappy marriage?

  

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Buddy_Gilapagos
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Tue Feb-24-15 11:23 AM

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18. "I have. I still think child of divorce can be harder. "
In response to Reply # 16


  

          

Obviously not talking about people in an abusive relationship. But I think that kids better process parents non-physical fighting alot better than divorce. I think I read about a study to that affect.


**********
"Everyone has a plan until you punch them in the face. Then they don't have a plan anymore." (c) Mike Tyson

"One of the most important things in life is what Judge Learned Hand described as 'that ever-gnawing inner doubt as to whether you're r

  

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wluv
Member since Jan 27th 2003
4295 posts
Tue Feb-24-15 11:36 AM

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20. "that dude is sleeping with the enemy"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

"Like she made a comment about how she wanted to go to the doctor because dude recently dropped their newborn accidentally in order to leave a paper trial of his bad parenting in case they get divorce."

That some shit id expect my enemy to do. Building a case JUST in case.

What kind of shit is that?

Ive seen this type of stuff before. Dude is going to hang in there and she's going to have another kid and 5 years later dude will realize shit hasn't change and try to bounce. Happens to the best of us.

All you can do is wish him luck and stay out of it. Aint going to do him no good making him feel regretful about the decision now. He pushed his chips to the middle of the table and has the play the hand that is dealt.

  

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