So two weeks before my boy was to get married he called me and he said he and his lady had been having lots of hearts to heart and they were doubting whether they wanted to get married. My position was, look homey we've bought those expensive tickets and I expect to see a wedding. Joking aside, I said that he was just experiencing cold feet and everyone does.

Now I had my reservation. Dude had been caught out there and at times it seemed like she would never be able to get past it. However, my dude had other friends and people in his life to give him the don't do it, reconsider argument. I know another mutual friend did it. Also his mom hit him with, "the choice is yours and we will support you either way" (coming from a mom that's an effective "don't do it").

At the end of the day my advice was calling off the wedding a few days before the event is some stuff for the movies, give it a try and if it don't work out you'll know soon enough and then you can call it quits.

Well they did get married and in a short time later she was pregnant, which of course, changes everything.

These days dude seems a bit defeated. Everytime we talk the first thing out of his mouth is some story of her making his life miserable. I've been discounting that talk alot because dude always talks like that and the fact is I always felt dude needed someone to come down hard on him because he was immature and needed some growing up to do.


But what has made me thinking there marriage was maybe a mistake is that this girl does a lot of open talk about divorce. Like she made a comment about how she wanted to go to the doctor because dude recently dropped their newborn accidentally in order to leave a paper trial of his bad parenting in case they get divorce. Who does that!?!?!?

A couple of things:

1. Ever known couples whose main form of communication is bickering? They are one of those. Even when they aren't mad at each other they are bickering. What happens to those couples?

2. I am getting the general impression that it is harder to marry children of divorce (even harder than dating a child of a single parent). I feel like a.) they tend to be suspicious and cynical about the whole institution of marriage and b.) they are are kind of quick to check out and go the divorce route. I am a firm believer that an unhappy couple without kids should divorce but I don't believe it should be that simple a decision when kids are involved.

3. Umm, Is it too late to say dude I may have been wrong with my advice?

4. Do people really call off weddings two weeks before? Ever seen that happen?


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"Everyone has a plan until you punch them in the face. Then they don't have a plan anymore." (c) Mike Tyson

"One of the most important things in life is what Judge Learned Hand described as 'that ever-gnawing inner doubt as to whether you're r

what kinda friend are you? lol

but nah seriously, your friend decided to do all that shit... if anything, push a homie into some counseling cuz you can't tell him you fucked up with the advice


"i wanna hug all u idiotic bastards & then set you all on fire" -Bin

www.twitter.com/bedstuybetty
http://bedstuybetty.tumblr.com/
DROkayplayer: Giving you good puff since May '05

Don't ever get mixed up with people's problems like that. You are far too deep imo and are now bearing responsibility for the advise you offer. Better let the wrinkles smooth out themselves if they can. Yes, he's your friend, but, this is TMI (too much involvement) imo.

homies sooo I guess its a wash.


**********
"Everyone has a plan until you punch them in the face. Then they don't have a plan anymore." (c) Mike Tyson

"One of the most important things in life is what Judge Learned Hand described as 'that ever-gnawing inner doubt as to whether you're r

You put so much personal info out there that you now have to be responsible for, shrug. Seems like a lot of stuff to carry around that really doesn't have a single thing to do with you.

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"Everyone has a plan until you punch them in the face. Then they don't have a plan anymore." (c) Mike Tyson

"One of the most important things in life is what Judge Learned Hand described as 'that ever-gnawing inner doubt as to whether you're r

That's a fairly long and detailed post hombre.

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"Everyone has a plan until you punch them in the face. Then they don't have a plan anymore." (c) Mike Tyson

"One of the most important things in life is what Judge Learned Hand described as 'that ever-gnawing inner doubt as to whether you're r

Bro - you came to this board begging for advice and thoughts concerning this situation, he gave you his thoughts and now you're telling him he shouldn't be telling you his thoughts. WHAT BRO?!

Especially considering his advice was really cordial and level-headed. He wasn't attacking you.

Furthermore - I agree with him. Of course you can offer advice and support to your friend, but to think that somehow you're at fault for their shitty marriage because you happened to think that their heart to hearts pre-wedding were just normal cold-feet-like feelings is just ridiculous. That's all dood was saying. You can't let that affect you and eat away at you. When he reaches out, offer the best advice you can then worry about your own shit.

The answers to all your other questions are - yes - people split up weeks before the wedding ALL the time. I'm 31 and I've heard of at least 3 stories like that, including one where the girl left the dood standing at the alter. Stranger things have happened than your bickering friends. It's "normal," as in, everything in marriage is normal, nothing new under the sun.

Couples also get divorced REALLY soon after their nuptials, like, ALL THE TIME. Again, I'm 31, and I've seen AT LEAST 12 examples of that happening within like 6 months to a year. Sometimes even sooner.

So - again. Not sure why you got so defensive and weird in response to his thoughts, especially since you came here and asked for them. But - in short, like I said, offer your advice to him when he asks for it, and never feel guilty for giving your thoughts. You're not there day to day, minute to minute with them so there's no way for you to possibly know the depths of their problems beyond what he tells you ... which means there's no way you should feel at ALL responsible for what they're going through just cause you offered some advice.

Kinda like how Initiation shouldn't feel responsible for giving you advice in response to your request for it, even if you do end up getting weirdly defensive about it.

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"Today is your day to have a better life -- it's your right."

was the dude who tell him not to do it but then he does it anyway.

**********
"Everyone has a plan until you punch them in the face. Then they don't have a plan anymore." (c) Mike Tyson

"One of the most important things in life is what Judge Learned Hand described as 'that ever-gnawing inner doubt as to whether you're r

I love that advice

.

getting married usually doesn't fix that, lol

**********
"Everyone has a plan until you punch them in the face. Then they don't have a plan anymore." (c) Mike Tyson

"One of the most important things in life is what Judge Learned Hand described as 'that ever-gnawing inner doubt as to whether you're r

n/m


"i wanna hug all u idiotic bastards & then set you all on fire" -Bin

www.twitter.com/bedstuybetty
http://bedstuybetty.tumblr.com/
DROkayplayer: Giving you good puff since May '05

**********
"Everyone has a plan until you punch them in the face. Then they don't have a plan anymore." (c) Mike Tyson

"One of the most important things in life is what Judge Learned Hand described as 'that ever-gnawing inner doubt as to whether you're r

to mature with?
but i may be wrong i'm an old spinster

>2. I am getting the general impression that it is harder to
>marry children of divorce (even harder than dating a child of
>a single parent). I feel like a.) they tend to be suspicious
>and cynical about the whole institution of marriage

Ever dated a girl with parents in traditional, but very unhappy marriage?

Obviously not talking about people in an abusive relationship. But I think that kids better process parents non-physical fighting alot better than divorce. I think I read about a study to that affect.


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"Everyone has a plan until you punch them in the face. Then they don't have a plan anymore." (c) Mike Tyson

"One of the most important things in life is what Judge Learned Hand described as 'that ever-gnawing inner doubt as to whether you're r

"Like she made a comment about how she wanted to go to the doctor because dude recently dropped their newborn accidentally in order to leave a paper trial of his bad parenting in case they get divorce."

That some shit id expect my enemy to do. Building a case JUST in case.

What kind of shit is that?

Ive seen this type of stuff before. Dude is going to hang in there and she's going to have another kid and 5 years later dude will realize shit hasn't change and try to bounce. Happens to the best of us.

All you can do is wish him luck and stay out of it. Aint going to do him no good making him feel regretful about the decision now. He pushed his chips to the middle of the table and has the play the hand that is dealt.