i made an effort to get closer to him before he died.I definitely don't miss him.but all he left me was alone and this has me fucked up.there is shit that i thought i was over.apparently, i'm not.i don't want to go to the funeral but i will.i want to just shake it off and keep it moving like i normally do.but when i try to shake it offall i feel is more pain and anger and saddness and loneliness.it feels like i got a raw deal.it feels like i didn't deserve this shit.I usually get through by saying everyone has it rough and you just suck it up and keep going.but when i try to suck it upi just don't feel lik anything is left in the reserves.it feels like i am out of fight.none of the distractions are working.i can't analyze my way out of this one.it all just sucks.i don't even feel bad for feeling sorry for myself.just fuck the entire situation.