i made an effort to get closer to him before he died.

I definitely don't miss him.
but all he left me was alone and this has me fucked up.

there is shit that i thought i was over.

apparently, i'm not.



i don't want to go to the funeral but i will.
i want to just shake it off and keep it moving like i normally do.

but when i try to shake it off
all i feel is more pain and anger and saddness and loneliness.


it feels like i got a raw deal.
it feels like i didn't deserve this shit.

I usually get through by saying everyone has it rough and you just suck it up and keep going.


but when i try to suck it up
i just don't feel lik anything is left in the reserves.

it feels like i am out of fight.
none of the distractions are working.

i can't analyze my way out of this one.


it all just sucks.
i don't even feel bad for feeling sorry for myself.

just fuck the entire situation.

Because you'll likely experience a slew of conflicting feelings. Just know that whatever you feel is valid and you're entitled to them.

Take care of yourself. Peace.

Because you'll likely experience a slew of conflicting feelings. Just know that whatever you feel is valid and you're entitled to them.

Take care of yourself. Peace.

my mom and i have the worst relationship ever
it got really bad the last couple of years- i told her i wasnt willing to take the (emotional) abuse anymore
which means i limit the amount of contact we have
(and spent almost two years not talking - so this is progress)
but she's also my only parent
my biggest fear is something happens before we are able to resolve our issues
or that we are never able to resolve our issues
the way things are going, it is the latter
its not up to me at this point

so... i dont really have any advice- i do empathise
would like to hear from others as well, so hopefully this (becomes) a good post

btw,im sure it will get better. my condolensces

I saw my mom go through this when her step-dad died. And to be completely truthful....I'll probably experience something similar when she passes away.

I'd like to say to you.....I felt what you wrote there.

To keep going doesn't mean you have to suck it up. It doesn't mean it's possible to just suck it up either. Unfortunately abuse and hurt leaves the victims with the duty to process and cope. You're smart and if you're finding this tough I believe that's because you're in a difficult situation.

Right now and going forward you don't have to do anything except make sure you're okay. Me and I bet a bunch of others here are around if you ever need to be reminded.

i'm praying for your peace in this.

>i made an effort to get closer to him before he died.
>
>I definitely don't miss him.
>but all he left me was alone and this has me fucked up.

that's good that you tried to do that. hopefully that leaves you with no unresolved feelings. you at least made the effort. that says a lot about your maturity.

>
>there is shit that i thought i was over.
>
>apparently, i'm not.
>
>i don't want to go to the funeral but i will.

fam. we right HERE > < on that. for different reasons though. but i got a funeral to go to this week and i do. not. want. to. go. and that's an odd space to be in.

it doesn't get encompassed by the typical, "sorry for your loss, i'm praying for your peace and comfort" response. you have some element of grief and a lot more going on inside. i really feel bad about that. do folk you know irl know your backstory and how you are really feeling?

>i want to just shake it off and keep it moving like i normally
>do.
>
>but when i try to shake it off
>all i feel is more pain and anger and saddness and
>loneliness.

no shortcuts to this process, unfortunately. you gonna just have to go through it to get to the other side.

>
>
>it feels like i got a raw deal.

you did.

>it feels like i didn't deserve this shit.

you don't.
>
>I usually get through by saying everyone has it rough and you
>just suck it up and keep going.
>
>
>but when i try to suck it up
>i just don't feel lik anything is left in the reserves.
>
>it feels like i am out of fight.
>none of the distractions are working.
>
>i can't analyze my way out of this one.
>
>
>it all just sucks.
>i don't even feel bad for feeling sorry for myself.
>
>just fuck the entire situation.

word.

main thing is that you got valid reasons to feel how you do. i'm sorry that it has been like this but i am praying that, if not your father's passing, then at least time will give you some closure.

ultimately, for whatever was lacking in your upbringing, you can resolve to be the opposite of that, and i pray that you have the strength and wisdom to do so.


peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

She had an abusive mother and she made the mistake of staying very close to her. Total confusion, disorientation, frustration. It was tough and also for her siblings, though I mostly steered clear of the at the time. Looking back, I think the ones who saw her death as an opportunity to just move the fuck on did the best.

i dont think i will ever be completely happy
til that black cloud is lifted from over top my family.

It took me the best part of 20 years.

Wishing you all the best.

*edit* changed subject as I see I misread

>
>i don't even feel bad for feeling sorry for myself.
>

don't feel bad about it
seems like you've come a long way despite the hardship and sometimes it's just too much. it's ok to be down and allow yourself to be down. just not forever. take your time, be good to yourself so you can heal/build some of the strength you've lost dealing with all of this. whatever you need to do. just know this isn't forever, it's just a bad time right now.

You don't have anything to prove to anyone. Feel what you need to feel. That may include mourning for the relationship that never was, but you always wanted. I'm sure it's a melange of fucked up emotions. They're yours and you don't have to bury them for anyone.

It will undoubtedly be fucked up for a minute, but I wish you peace and enlightenment on the other side of that journey.

straight weebay gif status
mourning/funerals and all that is for the ppl left behind
i'd feel no obligation to show anyone any kind of feeling or to represent by being there etc