Dear Angela Ralph Nissel,

Hi! I know you have no idea who I am, and you may even be wondering how I found out your full given name, but it would mean my very life to me if you would at least hear out my proposal. I think you'll dig it a lot!

Oh...how do I know your full government name?

Easy! I've been doing some work on your family tree and came across your birth certificate. People are really helpful on stuff like that when you tell them that you're adopted and that you're looking for your long lost sister. They move even faster when you tell them that if things work out you'll be featured on the Sally Jessy Raphael Show.

I know that some of the haters are gonna wonder why I'm posting this in OkayArtist. Well, if writing a book isn't art, then I guess Jackie Collins and the writer of those Fabio books aren't artists either then, huh?

Eff 'em! (Just like you would've said!)

Getting to the point, I think we would make a great couple. I know from reading some of your diary entries and by the way your furniture is arranged that you don't want some trifling ass fella. That works fine with me. I'm not the kind of guy who fools around with a lot of women. I don't "know" any women, in the Biblical sense. I don't really know any women, either.

Reading your diaries was the best to me 'cause as I read 'em I thought, "Hey! Here's someone that can understand any and all of the drama, events, trivial incidents, and bad haircuts I've survived." I know that you and only you can appreciate someone whose life is all about making a dollar out of fifteen cents.

So, I've thought about what a date between you and me would be like. Alot. Over and over. So much, in fact, that I lost my job because all I did while behind the counter was doodle "I love Angieee!" on the gift wrapping paper I was supposed to be working with.

Here it goes though. I hope you like it!

First, we'd start out by hanging out at my house for dinner. To set the mood though, we'd light some candles and I'll love you down with a massage. Now, I don't have those big, aromatic candles, but I do have some birthday candles. So, if you just hold a few of 'em between your fingers while I rub your back, we'll be straight.

This isn't gonna be one of those run of the mill massages, though hon I'm about to rub all your worries away with the Fukuoko 9000 (http://www.cyberbrands.com/pub/images/fukuoko9000.jpg). I know you've never been loved like that before, right?

After that appetizer, I'd bring out the main course-marshmallow Peeps and Pork N Beans. Not only am I a grade A masseuse, but I'm a culinary wizard! See, I have my own technique where I, get this, heat the Pork N Beans while it's still in the can! Isn't that wild?

I can't heat them up right now though because my gas was turned off. I tried flirting with the gas guy, thinking that I could possibly get some pancakes out of it, but he didn't take to my come ons to well.

While we eat, we'd be entertained by one of my many dubbed videos of mid-80s syndicated sitcoms. Out of This World-Remember when Beano showed that the best way to deal with bullies was to make fat jokes about yourself. Small Wonder-How could you forget Vicki and Jamie's antics in dodging their pesky neighbors' suspicions? Learning the Ropes-Who didn't love Lyle Alzado's wrestling father with a heart character? Whichever show tickles your fancy the most while distracting you long enough for me to look at you and imagine what you look like asleep is the one I'll throw on-It's your choice!

After dinner, we'd head to the movies. Before that though, I have a surprise for you. Let me go get it.

Do you like it? Why yes, it IS a potato sack that I've turned into a wifebeater. Please excuse the crookedness of the letters that spell out "Angieee's Man". It was really hard to write while I was wearing it.

Awww, don't look so sad…here's a gift!

Don't you just love it?! It's a matching dress! I know that the itchiness of the burlap takes a little time getting used to, but you'll be having too much fun to notice. It should fit extra well because I modeled it on the life-sized cardboard cut-out of you that I made from the picture you put in the Updates.

Um…yeah, sure…I understand. I bet you wanna save it for a really special occasion, not just going to the movies.

Speaking of which, we better start heading out. Before we go, though, I have another surprise.

Here. I know from some of your references that you're a big Simpsons fan. The bound set of papers I gave you is a Simpsons script I wrote where YOU visit Springfield. I really hope you like it. By the end of the script, even Bart is saying "eff this, eff that".

I even submitted it to a high-ranking Fox executive. Although he was a bit mad at first for stepping on his lawn and getting his attention by hoisting a blaring boombox above me, he really wants to help me get this episode made. He even said that he was forwarding my name to another guy within Fox. I think that guy's name is something like…um…John Walsh? He even gave me the guy's number-something like 1-800-CRIME-something something…I really can't remember too clearly.

Well, we better start going. I know that you're as disgusted with the "bling bling" lifestyle, but I figured that we'd get there via the hottest thing on wheels. That's right-Razor scooters!

The fun doesn't end there, though. We aren't going to any old theater. Uhn uhn. We're going to a DRIVE-IN theater! Can you imagine my joy when I found out that "Battlefield: Earth" was still playing there?

Huh? You mean, what are we doing AFTER the movies?

Well, I figured we'd come back here and chill, listen to some ABBA, and make sure that there's no room on my bed for Little Angieee, my body pillow.

In fact, let me start chilling the Cisco.

I LOVE YOU, ANGELA RALPH NISSEL!

Most Beautifullestly Yours,
Edwin Crunkle