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Subject: "Should I tell my situationship about my recent miscarriage?" Previous topic | Next topic
Mori
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3277 posts
Wed Feb-06-19 08:30 PM

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"Should I tell my situationship about my recent miscarriage?"


          

Started seeing a guy over the last six months. No labels, definitions or obligations as we were figuring out this romantic situation. He and I both enjoy each other. I was sexually exclusive with him for 6-7 months.

Then I hooked up with an old flame, unprotected, and got pregnant. I was pretty sure I was going to terminate the pregnancy, but ended up having a miscarriage.

I went MIA for a month and told my situationship that we should take a break. He was really taken a back. But I was an emotional and physical mess.

He is still expressing interest. So one part of me wants to tell him, out of respect that he has trust issues with women. A part of me feels like this is so personal and it doesn't involve him.

My lesson learned: No more unprotected sex.

Rise & Shine
Thrive & Grind
Heart & Mind

  

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Topic Outline
Subject Author Message Date ID
I think he would appreciate hearing that you were really hurt by somethi...
Feb 06th 2019
1
Thanks I tried to put myself in his shoes
Feb 06th 2019
2
you were both single even if it was exclusive
Feb 06th 2019
3
now is the time to decide what y’all doing...
Feb 07th 2019
4
Good point. I played the good time girl role
Feb 07th 2019
5
      Wait. You aren’t having sex with him right now due to this?
Feb 07th 2019
8
           Sex is not even a medical possibility
Feb 07th 2019
11
                Gotcha. Wasn’t sure how long ago it happened
Feb 07th 2019
16
I'd lean towards no unless you actually WANT something more
Feb 07th 2019
6
This could go really wrong
Feb 07th 2019
7
This part
Feb 07th 2019
9
Didn't think about that part
Feb 07th 2019
12
can't really make a judgement because I don't know how he viewed ya'll
Feb 07th 2019
10
He viewed us as a little more than a hook up
Feb 07th 2019
13
      You broke the rule of your agreement
Feb 07th 2019
15
      Yes I did break the agreement
Feb 07th 2019
19
      you shouldn't carry any load on this...
Feb 07th 2019
18
           Needed this compassionate response
Feb 07th 2019
20
                it’s such an honest post...
Feb 07th 2019
22
if I were the guy, i would want to know
Feb 07th 2019
14
don't tell him, unless...
Feb 07th 2019
17
Yes. Tell him. If he runs, he runs. It's his decision.
Feb 07th 2019
21
Tell nothing.
Feb 07th 2019
23
succinct. on point.
Feb 07th 2019
26
no unless he thinks he is shooting blanks, but still no...
Feb 07th 2019
24
clipse up here demonstrating why i love that guy
Feb 07th 2019
25
I will say this
Feb 08th 2019
27
How do u know it was by the 1-off ex and not mr regular
Feb 09th 2019
28
Always wore protection with situationship
Feb 09th 2019
29

obsidianchrysalis
Member since Jan 29th 2003
7089 posts
Wed Feb-06-19 09:43 PM

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1. "I think he would appreciate hearing that you were really hurt by somethi..."
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

You also would be right to be vague at first or kind of hint that something happened while you were apart that deeply affected you.

You have nothing to be embarrassed about but it's natural that you feel so. (I'm not a woman and only empathize)

It shows that you care for him and his heart that you are considering telling him, but move at your own pace.

YMMV

  

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Mori
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3277 posts
Wed Feb-06-19 09:52 PM

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2. "Thanks I tried to put myself in his shoes "
In response to Reply # 1
Wed Feb-06-19 09:53 PM by Mori

          

He could either think:

A) Why are you telling me you were pregnant by some other man?

or

B) You trust me enough to be completely transparent.

Either way, I am the one over sharing, considering we are not in an agreement to be exclusive.

I guess I will wait until we decide if this will even be a thing. If not, no point in putting myself through the emotional turmoil.

Rise & Shine
Thrive & Grind
Heart & Mind

  

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atruhead
Charter member
84323 posts
Wed Feb-06-19 11:30 PM

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3. "you were both single even if it was exclusive"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

if you would be devastated to find out he got someone else pregnant, he doesn't need to know what you did with anyone else

also if you cant embrace the thought of him looking at you differently, don't say anything

  

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Trinity444
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39985 posts
Thu Feb-07-19 02:41 AM

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4. "now is the time to decide what y’all doing..."
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

like. if he’s the one. If he’s not, I wouldn’t bring up that part of what happened but, I would tell him that I sleep with other people. In your kind of relationships there should always be checkpoints.

you good?
is what we’re doing still good?





  

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Mori
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3277 posts
Thu Feb-07-19 07:44 AM

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5. "Good point. I played the good time girl role"
In response to Reply # 4
Thu Feb-07-19 07:44 AM by Mori

          

And I really didn't have a long term vision for our relationship. So the pregnancy /miscarriage was a big blow to my carefree situation.

I don't expect my partners to fully disclose every detail beyond the "Let's get tested" convo. But I realized, I don't know what he would want to know of someone he is having sex with beyond STDs.

Also I felt like I was the one dealing with the emotional impact of multiple partners and just decided to put all of the men in my life on pause or exit.

I have no desire to have sex or even be intimate with anyone since this all went down.

Rise & Shine
Thrive & Grind
Heart & Mind

  

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legsdiamond
Member since May 05th 2011
61670 posts
Thu Feb-07-19 08:24 AM

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8. "Wait. You aren’t having sex with him right now due to this?"
In response to Reply # 5


          

Hell to the naw.

Don’t say shit.


shut up already, damn

  

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Mori
Charter member
3277 posts
Thu Feb-07-19 09:28 AM

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11. "Sex is not even a medical possibility"
In response to Reply # 8


          

I am so weak and battered from the pregnancy and miscarriage. So sex isn't even on the table for months. I also think that is what he noticed.

But yeah, the more I think about, the less inclined I am to share.

Rise & Shine
Thrive & Grind
Heart & Mind

  

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legsdiamond
Member since May 05th 2011
61670 posts
Thu Feb-07-19 09:53 AM

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16. "Gotcha. Wasn’t sure how long ago it happened "
In response to Reply # 11


          

and I have no clue how long it takes medically so please know I wasn’t trying to be insensitive..

shut up already, damn

  

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Marauder21
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49455 posts
Thu Feb-07-19 08:20 AM

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6. "I'd lean towards no unless you actually WANT something more"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

------

12 play and 12 planets are enlighten for all the Aliens to Party and free those on the Sex Planet-maxxx

XBL: trkc21
Twitter: @tyrcasey

  

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legsdiamond
Member since May 05th 2011
61670 posts
Thu Feb-07-19 08:22 AM

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7. "This could go really wrong"
In response to Reply # 0


          

If i was the guy I damn sure wouldn’t want to know unless we were putting “EVERYTHING” on the table and planned on making a run at a LTR.

It’s none of his business what you did with someone else and I don’t think it you should make it his business unless you want him to do the same.

If he told you he had a seed on the side would you be cool with it?

The real issue is it was the ex. As soon as I hear ex I’m thinking this dude can slide thru raw dog at any time.

shut up already, damn

  

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Paps_Smear
Member since Feb 02nd 2009
4149 posts
Thu Feb-07-19 08:36 AM

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9. "This part"
In response to Reply # 7


  

          

>The real issue is it was the ex. As soon as I hear ex I’m
>thinking this dude can slide thru raw dog at any time.

Even if he forgives and wants to continue, cot damn this would be in the back of my mind all the time. Unprotected sex other partners was a big concern of mine and then the pregnancy thing on top of that would be so rough. But I'm speaking for myself.

I'm not one for hiding shit, but I almost feel like if she really wants a long term relationship or possibly more with this dude maybe its better to just leave it alone. Or you could just throw it all out on the table and hope he respects the honesty. Me, I probably wouldn't want to know to avoid it popping up in my head at times.

=================
Official Okay-Super Villain™

I only play the games that I win at -
Gamertag: Innovator
PSN: DurtyGambino
Steam: Durty Gambino
Twitch.tv/durtygambino

  

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Mori
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3277 posts
Thu Feb-07-19 09:30 AM

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12. "Didn't think about that part"
In response to Reply # 7


          

I guess that is a correct assumption. The old flame and I never used condoms and we always left the door open since we are both not in solid relationships.

But after this ordeal, the old flame and I agreed to end our seasonal hookups.

Rise & Shine
Thrive & Grind
Heart & Mind

  

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tomjohn29
Member since Oct 18th 2004
16338 posts
Thu Feb-07-19 09:13 AM

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10. "can't really make a judgement because I don't know how he viewed ya'll"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

take care of yourself before making any decisions

good luck though

______________________________________

Navem nu, cuando sol
Tutu nu, vondo nos nu
Vita em, no continous non
Nos nu ekta nos sepe ta, amen

When the sun shades the ship
We sweat and life is not safe
To swim or to touch not
When we unite we hedge amen

  

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Mori
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3277 posts
Thu Feb-07-19 09:34 AM

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13. "He viewed us as a little more than a hook up"
In response to Reply # 10


          

It wasn't purely booty call sex, but it wasn't let's declare our commitment. He did mention once that if we choose to hook up with other people, we don't have to share the details but asked the I use a condom.

This whole scenario is a strong argument for monogamy or celibacy. I used to enjoy multiple partners. Now it is just a headache.

Rise & Shine
Thrive & Grind
Heart & Mind

  

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legsdiamond
Member since May 05th 2011
61670 posts
Thu Feb-07-19 09:52 AM

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15. "You broke the rule of your agreement"
In response to Reply # 13


          

I would be furious if I really was into you.

If it was never going to be more than a booty call than it may be a shrug to him

Who knows... but he damn sure wouldn’t know if it were up to me.

shut up already, damn

  

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Mori
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3277 posts
Thu Feb-07-19 10:24 AM

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19. "Yes I did break the agreement"
In response to Reply # 15


          

That alone is why I think I considered sharing it with him, or as someone else mentioned, just ending it while it is still early.

The sad part is after all the time apart, he shared that he isn't really into casual encounters. I wish we discussed this early in the relationship. One of the big reasons, I even hooked up with the ex, was because I thought the other guy wasn't going to amount to anything anyway.

Rise & Shine
Thrive & Grind
Heart & Mind

  

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eclipsedInI
Member since Jul 29th 2002
92514 posts
Thu Feb-07-19 10:20 AM

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18. "you shouldn't carry any load on this..."
In response to Reply # 13


          

you're already dealing with a miscarriage

that's why i say you should protect your heart on this one

men can never understand what a woman goes through during a miscarriage

things happen

mistakes are made

forgive yourself, and look on how you want to move forward

you've already discussed an agreement with the ex

it's hard to see in the midst, and anger/pettiness/small-mindedness can get in the way of what's really important

all involved will move on & be okay one day

you just have to decide how you want to move through this

clearly

_____________________
puttin' the roota in the toota since 98'

  

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Mori
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3277 posts
Thu Feb-07-19 10:44 AM

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20. "Needed this compassionate response"
In response to Reply # 18


          

I was feeling guilty about this. Almost like I cheated. Truthfully, until he reached out and shared that he was interested, I'd basically chalked up my experience to the friends with benefits code.

The reality is that as I get older, casual hookups seem to have far greater consequences, not just STD's and pregnancy. But emotional and energetic consequences. We both didn't want to close off our options, yet had feelings for each other beyond sex.

I am at a point of when I do start dating again, I want one person who I can be open and honest with and not feel as if I need to have outside peen to balance out the uncertainty.

So yeah I have a lot of healing to do.

Rise & Shine
Thrive & Grind
Heart & Mind

  

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Trinity444
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Thu Feb-07-19 11:55 AM

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22. "it’s such an honest post..."
In response to Reply # 20


  

          

...

  

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GROOVEPHI
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10619 posts
Thu Feb-07-19 09:36 AM

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14. "if I were the guy, i would want to know"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

if he is still expressing interest, i think its only fair to be completely honest with him and give him the opportunity to decide whether or not he can handle your truth and still pursue something.

what would happen if things become serious between the two of you and you told him months, or years down the line? If he already has trust issues with women, that could just make it worse.

he may or may not be able to deal with what you tell him, but at least give him that choice to make the decision.

Or.. you could just break it off with him completely..

just my advice. best of luck!

  

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eclipsedInI
Member since Jul 29th 2002
92514 posts
Thu Feb-07-19 10:13 AM

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17. "don't tell him, unless..."
In response to Reply # 0


          

you want to involve him in your process and or healing.

are you still interested in him?

how'd you find out about his "trust" issues?

it seems like a set up for trouble to enter into a sexual relationship with no boundaries and parameters if someone is known to have trust issues

even don't ask and don't tell has to have clear lines

if you guys are don't ask don't tell, keep it that way.

seek out support from others

that is unless you want to think of him as possibly being much more than what he was when you reconnect.

It may seem difficult to not discuss at first but it will get easier depending on if you guys have issues or not because of the separation.

_____________________
puttin' the roota in the toota since 98'

  

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flipnile
Member since Nov 05th 2003
11609 posts
Thu Feb-07-19 11:48 AM

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21. "Yes. Tell him. If he runs, he runs. It's his decision."
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

I don't like finding out things later that change my perspective on past events. If you don't tell him and things get serious then that omission might come back to haunt the relationship.

Honesty is almost never the wrong answer.

  

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isaaaa
Member since May 10th 2007
30220 posts
Thu Feb-07-19 12:32 PM

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23. "Tell nothing."
In response to Reply # 0


  

          


Anti-gentrification, cheap alcohol & trying to look pretty in our twilight posting years (c) Big Reg
http://Tupreme.com

  

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PG
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41386 posts
Thu Feb-07-19 10:27 PM

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26. "succinct. on point."
In response to Reply # 23


  

          

*logs off*

  

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sosumi
Member since May 30th 2012
771 posts
Thu Feb-07-19 09:48 PM

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24. "no unless he thinks he is shooting blanks, but still no..."
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

he should just see a doctor if he has those concerns

  

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PG
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41386 posts
Thu Feb-07-19 10:25 PM

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25. "clipse up here demonstrating why i love that guy"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

disclaimer I may have had a beer or two but no shit.

  

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PG
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41386 posts
Fri Feb-08-19 12:00 AM

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27. "I will say this"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

as I've cosigned on some points that may not be considering where you might be at personally in terms of your "situationship"(brilliant term..I'm old but this is a thing/term? coin it if it's not).. if you want his love and support and to possibly move beyond situationship share... if you want to maintain then best not to. but be honest with yourself. maybe you just need to process more 1st. I honestly can't imagine what you've been through but having found my end game at great risk and expense it was and is worth walking through the fire imo.

  

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Riot
Member since May 25th 2005
14569 posts
Sat Feb-09-19 02:05 AM

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28. "How do u know it was by the 1-off ex and not mr regular"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

this is kinda out there, like the homie (Crisco?) That used to post about juggling 5 Melissa McCarthy's

"Good luck with everything" doesn't sound like the appropriate response here but hopefully everything works out



)))--####---###--(((

bunda
<-.-> ^_^ \^0^/
get busy living, or get busy dying.

  

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Mori
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3277 posts
Sat Feb-09-19 09:36 AM

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29. "Always wore protection with situationship"
In response to Reply # 28


          

Plus the timing made it impossible. It had been some time since situation and I had sex. Old flame was really a quick hit. Cant believe I got pregnant so fast in such a short period of time. Feel like a teenager.

Yeah I have decided not to tell. We both should have been more forthcoming about our feelings. We are too grown to hide behind the friends with benefits cloak. It hurt me physically and will only disappoint him. Better for us to move on.

Rise & Shine
Thrive & Grind
Heart & Mind

  

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