I was first exposed to pornography at around 6 years old. Not the cable TV late night softcore topless nudity variety; this was the hardcore adult XXX version. I had a live-in babysitter who was around 20 years old, since my mother was recently divorced active duty military and hardly ever home. This babysitter had a boyfriend from the neighborhood, and so they would take advantage of the lack of adult supervision to have sex and watch porn.

One day, I walked in on them as they were watching it on my mother’s Betamax. Now, the normal response when a child walks into such activity is to immediately shut off the TV and remove the child from the area. This did not happen. Instead, they kept on watching as if I wasn’t even there, not a word was said. I of course had no idea what was playing on the TV. To this day I remember just standing there, trying to figure out what was going on: Why is the woman making weird noises? Is she in pain? Is the man hurting her? What is happening? After a couple of minutes staring in puzzlement and confusion, I walked away, and that was that. My babysitter never mentioned it, and I said nothing to anyone.

Sometime after that, I awoke to the sounds of my babysitter and boyfriend having sex. It seems she had placed me on the floor as I slept so they could use my bed. I heard the same kind of noise, so this was now “normal.” I simply turned over and fell back asleep. The final incident with her was when in another night, she called me to my mothers’ room as she laid on the bed and told me to remove my shorts and underwear. She then asked me if I wanted to have sex with her. Not understanding what that meant, I just stood there silently. She repeated her question and this time I shrugged, not knowing what she was talking about. It seems she had a change of heart or something, because she told me to forget it and get dressed.

I believe neighbors told my mother what was going on with the boyfriend, because soon she was gone and I was sent to live with my aunt. My stunted sexual development was put on hold. I only remember one particular episode in the 4th grade: I attended a private Christian school and there was a security guard “Martinez” who would joke with us and watch us kids play in recess. One day, he brought and showed us some kind of Playboy magazine. The older kids were of course all over it, but I saw the centerfold and was like “whatever.” I suppose seeing my babysitter was enough for me.

In 6th grade I kissed a girl for the first time, and had already played doctor and husband and wife with other girls in my neighborhood. I still didn’t exactly know what sex was, but I was getting an idea. I got my puberty at the age of 12 and one day I found myself fully nude with a girl from my neighborhood one day after school. We did not have sex, neither of us knew what we were supposed to do after taking our clothes off. Of course boys talk, and after telling my friends what happened I was laughed at and roasted mercilessly. I finally put two and two together and figured it out.

Porn wasn’t too far off. Remember, this was the late 80’s, the pre-internet era. To see a video or even a magazine was a big, big deal. I recall the classic finding my stepfather’s stash of Penthouse magazines. I couldn’t believe it: so that’s what they look like! That’s what you’re supposed to do! In school I barely remember any kind of sex education or even biology talk.

My friends also introduced me to masturbation. One day, around six of us gathered in a circle and competed to see who could ejaculate first. Someone did, I didn’t even finish. At around 13 years old, I finally made it happen on my own, alone in my bedroom. I had lost my innocence.

I lost my virginity in the 9th grade at 14 years old. She was 14 as well, and already experienced. Of course I lied and said I had also had sex, so one day after school we went to some woods behind her apartment complex in Colorado and did it. I told all my friends and was welcomed to the ranks of men. I was a man now.

I also found a porn video tape my mom had hidden, so my friends would come over after school to watch. The initial excitement gave way to discomfort. It’s hard (yes, it really is) to watch porn with other men around. After a while the action on the screen was too much to bear. One of my friends said “turn it off” and that was that, no more group watching sessions.

My stepfather also openly provided video tapes. One night he simply handed one to me and left me in the living room to watch it. I was now 15 and experienced, so that session didn’t last long. I also had my stash of Playboys, so I was set.

By the time I had a job and a car at 18, I could drive to a couple of video stores near my house in Miami and rent XXX movies. Just like Blockbuster, but for adults. Rentals were about 4-5 dollars, and I spent a small fortune over the years. At the same time, the internet was now in our homes thanks to America Online, so I would explore the new virtual world via chat rooms. The dial-up era was not conducive to porn, pictures took minutes and minutes to load, and movies? Forget it. But, it did provide access to girls who were also curious, and I was soon meeting them in real life.

But this was a long drawn out process. Weeks, sometimes months of chatting were necessary to build a connection and make her comfortable enough to meet. Nobody wanted to admit they were meeting online, it was thought to be the realm of freaks and weirdos. So in case anyone asked, we met at a store, the mall, the street, whatever. Anywhere but the AOL chat room. It was also very difficult to get a girl just to talk to you. Then as today, there were multiple guys for every girl. Competition was fierce. But I was young and full of energy, so I put in the time and work. Plus I wasn’t on it all the time, I was also out and about and having a blast.

The internet connections got faster. I no longer had to spend money and drive back and forth to the video store full of weirdos and dudes following you (those were real actual perverts in those stores. I just went in, got my video, and left as fast as possible). Now, I could download to my computer and enjoy at my leisure. If I went out to a club and didn’t get any girl that night, I just came home and put on a porn on the computer: quick, fast, and easy.

Eventually the lines blurred. Turning on the computer and chatting with some girl became a way to relax after a long day at work. The MySpace era was the ultimate: you could see who you were talking to, where they lived, and what they wanted. I met plenty of girls through it, it was almost too easy.

I didn’t feel I was doing anything wrong or deviant. My rationale was this is all online or through video. I’m never going to meet these people. Porn was a fantasy world: when am I gonna have sex with a porn actress?

As I went through my 20’s, I lived by myself or with roommates. I moved out at 21 and was meeting girls online, in the streets, clubs, south beach, through school, work, friends, etc. I had any number of girlfriends, one night stands, serious relationships, a couple of months with one, couple of months with another, etc. Women came and went. A lot of parties, a lot of raves, a lot of alcohol, a lot of weed, and a lot of sex. I functioned in the real world and had jobs, paid my rent, my bills, went out, traveled, made friends, fell in love, etc. Never got evicted, never got arrested. But through it all I had my hidden computer virtual sex world.

It became a condition, an addiction. I’ve carried it with me my whole life it seems. Remember I was 6 when I first saw porn. Nowadays it’s all one button away, anytime, anywhere. Some people are functioning junkies or alcoholics. Gambling, betting on horses, hoarding, eating disorders, stealing, robbing, prostitution, etc, etc. There are a lot of addictions and vices out there. But none of them interested me. I drank, I smoked weed, and that’s about it. I never did any other drugs because I simply wasn’t interested. I didn’t become an alcoholic. I’ve never gambled, never played the horses, no anorexia, bulimia, cutting, nothing. None of those vices call my attention at all. So I didn’t consider myself a junkie, an addict. Like I said, I paid my bills, went to work, went to class, didn’t steal, didn’t pay for hookers, didn’t mess with married women (I had chances). That was my logic: I wasn’t breaking my personal moral code, my core values.

For example, I’ve known guys who will sleep with married women all day, but when the topic of porn or strip clubs is brought up, will turn their nose and say “not for me,” which is the response I give when the topic of sleeping with a married woman comes up. It’s all relative. No one is better than the other. But just like the strung out homeless dudes on the sidewalk, I was getting high too. High off the videos, off the chats, off the photos. They get high on crack, I get high on porn. But many have overcome their drug and alcohol addictions. I will too. Go ahead and judge me, but while you’re doing that, let me be. That’s all I ask. Like the dearly departed Bandanna P said “You can never feel my pain.”