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Well, here I am, motherfuckers.
What better occasion than the Return of Floptimus Prime, The Brett Favre of The NBA, back to the place where it all started.
You could have counted me among those who would have been cool with LeBron James not coming back to Cleveland, because prior to the news, the Cavs were moving in a direction that made me happy for the first time in four years. Chris Grant GONE. Mike Brown GONE. Cavs fucked around and somehow got a #1 pick after THAT season. Cavs hire a coach who isn't a retread, yet understands pro basketball as practiced in the NBA after 2009. Kyrie Irving staying (to the dismay of numerous vultures).
It gets better. Heat not only fail to three peat, but they get DAT ASS WHOOPED in a way that can NEVER be Cuban B'd the way the 2011 failure has been Cuban B'd by the Cult of the Lord of Deference, Savior of Lebronon. The cramps, the three-straight dustings, the missed-free-throws-short-of-a-sweep, and ALL the plea copping. Even my lil brother (who I hadn't seen in almost 2 years) got on me about how "Cleveland fans" don't need to see a Heat loss, when I saw him this summer as the Finals were going on.
But this right here?
Ultimate vindication, and that's without a title.
Because this whole sequence of events was a great exercise in exposure. Of Anti-Cleveland/smaller market bias, hidden entitlement, and just plain bullshit.
All this time, I heard motherfuckers talking all this shit about "Cleveland fans" this, "Cleveland fans" that w/r/t LeBron hate.
There ain't nearly enough motherfuckers in Cleveland to even equal the amount of hate that LeBron was receiving for forming the Death Star in Miami. It was a Coalition of Hate, and well-deserved. The Decision (the TV special, not the decision to leave) was pathetic. The flopping and other clown behavior exhibited by the Heat's stars, especially in the first year, was embarrassing.
Y'all motherfuckers ain't said SHIT when the stars aligned to pull Shaq out of Orlando and the draft rights to Kobe to L.A. in '96. And if you did, and got mad at motherfuckers who went hard at Miami for essentially being the same shit? Shut the fuck up.
LeBron's announcement hit, and productivity PLUMMETED Friday afternoon. Everyone was talking about LeBron. People were blowing up my phone (including a few of y'all from here), Twitter, Facebook, even my lil brother sent me a message of apology. I drove home from work Friday afternoon, Volvo freshly repaired, and saw a professionally printed "Welcome Home LeBron" sign right outside a local business. The jerseys motherfuckers swore were burned to ash, suddenly found themselves all over folks this weekend, everywhere I went. It was like 2003 all over again.
See, let me tell you something about Cleveland fans. Yes, there were people who burned jerseys. There were ton of people who were mad, rooted against Miami at every turn, and basically were anti-LeBron for the duration of his time in Miami. You can count me among the latter. I never had a LeBron jersey to burn. I have always been tentative about dude, because he for the most part is the "anti-underdog", "too mainstream" pick. He also seemed way too much a wanna be Cheese Eyes for me, and I still hate Cheese Eyes and the '90s Bulls. But I rode for dude, because he wore a Cavalier uniform.
But when I say that these dudes worshipped dude when he was here the first time, it still sounds like an underestimation. There was a reason why people were -that- mad. This dude was not only supposed to be Jordan, but he was from Akron. Intrastate rivalries aside, Northeast Ohio sices its own at every turn. And when you're as good as LeBron James, the noise can be deafening. The worship carried well after he was gone. All motherfuckers could talk about were how to bring him back, even when they were given a do-over card in Kyrie Irving. Dilbert and Grant kept making moves that were geared to making the team attractive for his return, and IMO... all the "Come Home LeBron" talk just seemed kind of prideless to me, disrespectful to Kyrie even.
That being said, it wasn't all love in his absence either. Smart-Dumb Negroes tried to paint this as a Black vs. White thing, and they still sound dumb as fuck today. I saw young dudes in the Heights wearing anti-LeBron shirts. I've had convos even I've had to duck out of with dudes, because THEY were too mad about it. Still, I knew that if LeBron did come back, all that shit would be out the window. Or at least 77% of it.
I just never thought it would actually happen. Now that it has, reading the "PR" reasons for him doing so and skepticism around the details notwithstanding, I'm good with it. My chief agenda is to see fans in depressed places happy. Cleveland, especially -- as before I made it my home in 2003, it was my "home away from home" in my earliest years. I chose the Cavs by accident, stayed with them because they were a "Cleveland" team.
This move from LeBron defies convention, conventional wisdom, and anything you can name. It's the "anti-mainstream" move. It's the "anti-LeBron as envisioned by his detractors move" (mostly). To be like, "I got two, won't retire ringless" and go back to where you left, effectively forfeiting the move to surpass Jordan and Kobe in rings? Never seen anything like it, ulterior motives or no. It is a wholly different path than those prior.
At this point, he just might end up legitimately getting into my circle of favorite NBA players, because of this. To put it simply, as my dude Kira typed above: "LeBron made his dickriders embrace a city and team they all hate". That speaks volumes.
Though, LeBron isn't exactly coming back to the Semih Erden/Omri "Captain Assfingers" Cavs. There are still holes on this team. But Kyrie Irving and the most hyped prospect since LeBron himself (who I personally don't think will be as great as touted but still All-Star status) is a better place to build than with a declining Wade, Dinobosh, and scraps. It's a win-win. Re-up with younger players, have a chance to cash in on the Favrization of his image as one of the legitimately most beloved players in the sport, and as I suspect, things much bigger than basketball.
I'm wary of LeBron coming back and this being The LeBron Show 2.0, the Cavs front office succumbing to "win now" pressure and trading too much to get one title with their money tied up, and particularly the clown show of questionable foul calls, egregious FLOPPING, and all the shit that made the Death Star Era of the Miami Heat so easy to hate. I don't want none of that in Cleveland. I want smart, enjoyable basketball.
Personally I'm glad Kyrie Irving will finally be on a national stage and all that slander you motherfuckers were flinging at the next Penny Hardaway is gonna look silly as fuck, even if Bron will get 96% of the credit. I'm even more elated that all the Cleveland haters and Dan Gilbert concern trolls are gonna be eating da poo poo... WITH ice cream.
That being said:
All y'all on that "Cleveland fans don't deserve LeBron", "Cleveland is a shit hole", "Cleveland fans are jilted lovers", "DUR-HUR-HUR THE DECISION'S ADVERTISING PROCEEDS WENT TO CHARITY", "I Can't Wait Until Kyrie Is Out Of That Hellhole" bullshit?
FUCK YOU AND EAT 90 DICKS.
All y'all Dan Gilbert Concern Trolls?
FUCK YOU AND EAT 92 DICKS.
All you Smart-Dumb Ankh-Up-The-Ass Negroes talking that shit about, "LeBron's a sellout for going back to play for that asshole", "Django Re-Chained" ... who previously touted LeBron's decision as a "move of independence for Black folks", talked about Dan Gilbert being a slave driver and made all these Comic Sans jokes, meanwhile SLURPING up Pat Riley for saying the same shit in less fan-type language?
Nah, dogg.
FUCK YOU IN THE GOAT ASS WITH A MOTHERFUCKIN RUSTY NAIL IN KRISTEN UTC FONT YOU HANKYHEAD MOTHERFUCKERS!
It's a new day.
Kira, osu_no_1, the Kyrie fans, those of y'all who endured all that slander... it's OUR time.
Drewmathic, keep fighting the good fight. As us Cavs fans did for the last four years. Looking forward to Bosh.
To Jambone (wherever you're hiding), ImPerfectNick, Wordup et al -- I apologize. Y'all were right, I was wrong. Nothing else to it.
Anyone else I cussed out: y'all are still exactly what I called you, in caps, bold letters, 89pt font, and neon italics.
Vex, Vee, you cool. Rest of y'all... keep Cleveland out your mouth, y'all just took the greatest agenda L in modern history.
I never hated LeBron the man.
Hated aspects of LeBron the basketball player.
Hated the mythical LeBron James, as described by The Cult -- a figure so overrated that turned me from Jordan Hater to Jordan Defender and hastened my citizenship application to Kobestan.
It's best to just sit back and see where this story goes at this point. LeBron is not Cheese Eyes, he's not Kobe, and if he doesn't end up with enough rings or end better than them, IT DOESN'T MATTER. He's still a great even if he isn't GOAT, but this is a HUGE step to being something something completely different.
So shut the fuck up and enjoy the ride.
TL; DR version -
He back.
You mad.
Dick riders and ashy-type "activists" ... KEEP THE FUCK OUT, WE GOT THIS.
See you next time, motherfuckers.
Next time.
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