{audio} Twisted Love Song (Need quick feedback)

I need quick feedback before I finish working on this song.

- Try and listen to the song before you read the lyrics
- Let me know if you understood what I was talking about so far
- Also, let me know what you think of my delivery
- Were there any parts you didn't hear properly?
- Sorry, the audio is Lo-fi.
- Apologies to those who checked myspace a little earlier but didn't find the song. It's on there now.
- THANKS a lot for the feedback
- AUDIO: *3rd* song on here: http://www.myspace.com/heremakhetonline


{Lyrics}
Relationships come in all shapes and sizes
Some are sick, twisted lemon and melons for making melonade
I mean, lemonade, Hell, let's go with melonade, uh hu uh uh hu uh
In French maid outfits made in France,
that speak French kiss and femme fragrance
Oh sweetness, be my sweet miss
Better yet, be my sweet Mrs.
Lay on my freaky-ness, uh
Oh lioness, you're tearing me apart,
You're ripping me a new heart
Look at whatchu got me writing like I'm in high-schooling, again:
She loves me, yes, But I can have her, not, yet
You crazy me driving
You driving me crazy, nuts
My head into pieces and dots
You got my teeth open, I don't
even know what that means, but
you got me saying out loud to your man
...
(Teaser, I know LOL. You'll here the rest later. You'll hear why I called it Twisted. It's really good.)

http://www.myspace.com/heremakhetonline

I'm sorry Lyric ... but I wasn't feeling ^this^ at all --


I'mmma listen to it again later ... and I'll tell you why ...


I'mma ^UP^ this so maybe some of the fellas who actually flow lyrically can give you some pointers.

You be playing with your ish tho -- (Don't SOUND like you're taking it seriously) -- So it's hard for the listener to take it seriously, nahmean?

And I don't mean playing -- (like fun playing) -- I mean bullshittin' type playing -- (like making up shit on da grip) -- with no meaning or rhyme to your reasoning.

Suggestion: Listen to some of the other flows on the board.
Like: getgrown feat.uncle vic & willi-dudat (audio)

A guitar string vibrating, a measure of my soul, a breech in the silence --
I've always felt like words come through me & I write them down... they have no master --- gsquared ♥

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/2/photosynthesis_music.htm

That's cool. When you say I am being playful/careless, I think you are referring to the last line in DRAFT A that kind of trails off. See, what I WAS trying to do was test out the delivery style: playful. Kind of like Andre 3000's verse on John Legend's "Greenlight." But I think I need a better recording equipment to show off my intention.

Lyrically, I think if you heard the full thing, you will see where I am going with it...

Anyway, once my laptop is working again, I will finish recording it and put up the full draft.

But if you get a chance to let me know the specifics of the issues you have with the current version, by all means, please, post it -- really appreciate it.

Thanks much for taking the time.

http://www.myspace.com/heremakhetonline

Yo Lyric i agree with photo, shes a spot on critic, maybe the source should appoint her, lol, forreal uve always had the lyrics, I think the problem for you is either the lack of actually sptting ur verses,you might not do it enough, i spit verses everyday to try keep progressin, or it may be your experimenting or even the most obvious factor, bad recording equipment.ON sayin that (ima say summin smart that photo would usually come out with) you havent lost anything, if anything youve gained an incite of what to improve on, and if it was something experimental then you know you definately gained summin.

Intoxication, my voicebox rocks the nation
Sweet affiliation, the Doe Or Die situation - Az

I'm definitely gonna have to agree with AK on this one...you just need a little bit more conviction in your voice and you have to keep control during transition from phrase to phrase. Command is a must. Practice will make it better....Try flowing to all types of beats or sometimes just freestyling without an instrumental...Another thing that might work better if u feel like you are more comfortable freestyling than spitting off paper...just get an image in ur head and try to focus on letting it transition...you spit as the scene change....That will teach concentration as well as rhythm. Once you get the rhythm down then you can spit off paper.

http://www.youtube.com/user/cierno?feature=mhee


Check it out

Hey,
thanks y'all for the feedback.

Spittin my verses/Intensity:
I think part of my problem is that I am being impatient about this. As in, I'll come home, and before eating, I'm already tryna do some recording -- so the hunger definitely affects my projection and the intensity I spit into the mic.

Plus, I don't like doing punch-ins.

(@PhotoSynthesis) I think I under-estimated how sensitive people are to the intensity of a performance. So...I have stopped doing the rap-while-hungry thing since it's counterproductive LOL.

My transition:
Yea, that's something I am having a problem with; i.e. being able to transition while still making sure that the listener is following what I am saying. I am able to control it better when I flow slower at a Kanye-type pace. (@see the Against The Grain {Barry Bonds} on myspace page).

I will wait till I get a better mic before I start recording again.

Thanks much, really helped.

http://www.myspace.com/heremakhetonline