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Lobby Freestyle Board topic #59901

Subject: "up for critique" Previous topic | Next topic
Ubiquit
Member since Aug 29th 2006
1 posts
Tue Aug-29-06 02:15 AM

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"up for critique"


          

sup all. im an "aspiring poet" - as some have dubbed
me - and my friend recommended this site as a place to share
my work and get feedback from the real world - not
"critics". so i was hoping yall would tell me what
you think, for real, the opinions of real people are obviously
much more relevant to me than the opinions of stuck up
criticAssholes.

anyway. these are two poems that i wrote at (obviously)
different states of mind.

(still don't have a title for this one, suggestions?)

My miscreant platitudes represent an obdurate language:
question the pithy miasma of our vapid society
lapsing into the torpid repose you will soon understand
how to expatiate from this banal vicissitude?



Gone

Drunk from her sex
the original firey angel
but our passion is not always latex
her character is the solution to my endeavour
i fully sense dazzling harmony
              nude grace
              young color
                        mount me.
she's a soft shard of glorious glass
                              art
      a woman painted
                sculpted with smoke water and music
but the rigid stroke of death
turns her black and white
life dry
masterpiece now above, but never smeared.

  

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Topic Outline
Subject Author Message Date ID
RE: up for critique
Aug 29th 2006
1

ms mimi diva
Member since Feb 05th 2006
589 posts
Tue Aug-29-06 04:26 AM

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1. "RE: up for critique"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

 a woman painted
                sculpted with smoke water and music
but the rigid stroke of death
turns her black and white
life dry
masterpiece now above, but never smeared.


here is where the fire is kindled-- for me. i love the concept
of a painted woman, that in essence she is not just something
to inspire art, she is art. but she is more than that, no?,
because you compare her to fluid things like music, water and
smoke all of which cannot be contained, unlike art. She's
living art. It is a really nice metaphor.

I'd like to see more of her "colors" echoed here,
beacuse I think it would contrast nicely with the dark image
you paint of the smoke singed woman, which is obviously
ubiquitously monochromatic.

http://worthwatering.blogspot.com
Can it be I stayed away too long?/
Did I leave your mind when I was gone?/
It's not my thing trying to get back/
But this time let me tell you where I'm at-- Jackson Five

  

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