...i'm actually not sure if this is technically poetry, but it's at least what i set out to attempt to make:

when the day broke
the night choked
as if on an exhale of smoke
that was too strong for lungs to maintain
and so it's coughed out all at once
like the horizon spits the moon out
but leaves the sun to remain.
and in the same vein
when night breaks
the sun drops like shards from a shattered window
a stained glass window
with galaxies, stars, planets
and it's a permanant fixture
but only as permanant as the sun allows.

like the horizon spits the moon out
but leaves the sun to remain.
and in the same vein
when night breaks
the sun drops like shards from a shattered window
a stained glass window

These lines were the heart of the poem for me. Very interesting perception. Well done, and congrats on your very first time. You're no longer a virgin!

http://worthwatering.blogspot.com
Can it be I stayed away too long?/
Did I leave your mind when I was gone?/
It's not my thing trying to get back/
But this time let me tell you where I'm at-- Jackson Five

Try to not use window two lines in a row, I know thats a shitty word to change, but it flows and looks better if you vary it.

When you read it that line catches your attention cuz of it

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*Note to self: Add Sig*

>Try to not use window two lines in a row, I know thats a
>shitty word to change, but it flows and looks better if you
>vary it.
>
>When you read it that line catches your attention cuz of it

i actually did it on purpose, but if it detracts from the poem then i'll try to change it.

Re-reading it you can see that. I'd just play around with words and see what to YOU sounds better.

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*Note to self: Add Sig*