...i'm actually not sure if this is technically poetry, but it's at least what i set out to attempt to make:
when the day broke the night choked as if on an exhale of smoke that was too strong for lungs to maintain and so it's coughed out all at once like the horizon spits the moon out but leaves the sun to remain. and in the same vein when night breaks the sun drops like shards from a shattered window a stained glass window with galaxies, stars, planets and it's a permanant fixture but only as permanant as the sun allows.
1. "RE: My first attempt at poetry." In response to Reply # 0
like the horizon spits the moon out but leaves the sun to remain. and in the same vein when night breaks the sun drops like shards from a shattered window a stained glass window
These lines were the heart of the poem for me. Very interesting perception. Well done, and congrats on your very first time. You're no longer a virgin!
http://worthwatering.blogspot.com Can it be I stayed away too long?/ Did I leave your mind when I was gone?/ It's not my thing trying to get back/ But this time let me tell you where I'm at-- Jackson Five
>Try to not use window two lines in a row, I know thats a >shitty word to change, but it flows and looks better if you >vary it. > >When you read it that line catches your attention cuz of it
i actually did it on purpose, but if it detracts from the poem then i'll try to change it.