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Lobby Freestyle Board topic #58544

Subject: "swarm" Previous topic | Next topic
invisible ink
Member since Apr 07th 2003
1083 posts
Mon Jul-17-06 02:39 PM

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"swarm"


  

          

“savannah put your head down” drips of sweat from her mothers face rain dropped on to her forehead. her neck made a cracking sound as her mama shoved her down into the folds of her dress. mama’s nails dug into her smooth baby oiled skin, while the road was maneuvered with minimal vision. “bullets don’t sound like firecracka’s”, savannah thought to herself. to her they felt like bees grazing her arms during summers spent in big ma’s yard. she attempted to swat the bullets away once or twice, but her mother slapped her hand down. “whatchu doin’ chile? i ain’t got time to mess witchu”.

“ain’t nobody gone have you if i cain’t georgia lee. you hear me? i swear before god i’ll love you in death than have somebody else lovin’ you.” savannah’s daddy was shoutin’ and runnin’. the gun was black and made up like one of the water guns she and daddy played water tag with. but wasn’t no water in this one. savannah wish there was water. she was hot and could feel a pinch on her thighs and then on her neck. the bees had come.

her mama all of a sudden felt heavy and let go of the steering wheel. “daddy”, she shouted. “stop playin’ tag. mama’s getting heavy and I don’t wanna play no mo’." Her dress had pretty red flowers blooming across her right side. The bees were still comin’.

She watched crimson cover the polka dots until she couldn’t fight the tired no more.

if you didn't define yourself for yourself you'd be crunched into other peoples fantasies of you an eaten alive.

audre lorde

  

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Topic Outline
Subject Author Message Date ID
...
Jul 17th 2006
1
thank u stimuli
Jul 18th 2006
5
this makes me think of crystal & beau willie
Jul 17th 2006
2
RE: this makes me think of crystal & beau willie
Jul 18th 2006
4
      RE: this makes me think of crystal & beau willie
Jul 26th 2006
9
RE: swarm
Jul 18th 2006
3
RE: swarm
Jul 25th 2006
8
RE: swarm
Jul 18th 2006
6
wow
Jul 19th 2006
7
RE: swarm
Jul 26th 2006
10
RE: swarm
Jul 27th 2006
11
i love how your characters' names are of my hometown
Jul 27th 2006
12
funny thing
Jul 27th 2006
13
RE: swarm
Jul 28th 2006
14
RE: swarm
Feb 14th 2007
15
RE: swarm
Feb 14th 2007
16
RE: swarm
Feb 16th 2007
17
jesus...
Feb 16th 2007
18
RE: swarm
Feb 16th 2007
19
RE: swarm
Feb 16th 2007
20
wow...and thank you
Feb 18th 2007
21
Breathtaking! Literally with all pun
Feb 18th 2007
22

STIMULI
Charter member
5896 posts
Mon Jul-17-06 04:21 PM

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1. "..."
In response to Reply # 0


  

          


without too many words...this was awesome.

  

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invisible ink
Member since Apr 07th 2003
1083 posts
Tue Jul-18-06 10:33 AM

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5. "thank u stimuli"
In response to Reply # 1


  

          

tryin' to get the short story thing down this year...miss k

if you didn't define yourself for yourself you'd be crunched into other peoples fantasies of you an eaten alive.

audre lorde

  

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rgv
Charter member
4556 posts
Mon Jul-17-06 11:04 PM

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2. "this makes me think of crystal & beau willie"
In response to Reply # 0


          

i just want chu to know
how i feel
how i feel

  

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invisible ink
Member since Apr 07th 2003
1083 posts
Tue Jul-18-06 10:32 AM

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4. "RE: this makes me think of crystal & beau willie"
In response to Reply # 2


  

          

ha ha...the things you remember girl(smile)...k

if you didn't define yourself for yourself you'd be crunched into other peoples fantasies of you an eaten alive.

audre lorde

  

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ms mimi diva
Member since Feb 05th 2006
589 posts
Wed Jul-26-06 05:56 AM

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9. "RE: this makes me think of crystal & beau willie"
In response to Reply # 4


  

          

Yes, it reminds me of ntozake. I would like to "hear" this...

http://worthwatering.blogspot.com
Can it be I stayed away too long?/
Did I leave your mind when I was gone?/
It's not my thing trying to get back/
But this time let me tell you where I'm at-- Jackson Five

  

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Frank Parlous
Member since Jul 15th 2006
33 posts
Tue Jul-18-06 03:12 AM

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3. "RE: swarm"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

i liked the metaphors in the imagery...
you write poems like holograms
that change shape when you hold them up to the light

amaZing
isn't it?

  

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invisible ink
Member since Apr 07th 2003
1083 posts
Tue Jul-25-06 03:53 PM

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8. "RE: swarm"
In response to Reply # 3


  

          

that sounds lovely...thank you...k

if you didn't define yourself for yourself you'd be crunched into other peoples fantasies of you an eaten alive.

audre lorde

  

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Giovanni
Charter member
3179 posts
Tue Jul-18-06 05:03 PM

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6. "RE: swarm"
In response to Reply # 0


          

i'm torn between the beauty in which this was written and the hard sadness of this story. i took me two reads to understand what was going on. it's crazy, but real.

i really loved how you tied the slugs from the buck to the sting of bees, and how Savannah's naive enough to swat at them.

i haven't read many pieces on domestic violence. but from the ones i've seen, i haven't seen anything done like this before. this piece brings you directly into the story. there's no explanation or preachiness. the story does most of the work in getting the point across.

thank you for this one Kimabe.

-----sig starts here-----
interested in buying my chapbook,
"Transfer"? Just visit http://myspace.com/alanking81

or

http://myspace.com/bustransfer
(see what people are saying
about "Transfer")

"I used to walk through the valley
like Psalms 27"
--

  

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invisible ink
Member since Apr 07th 2003
1083 posts
Wed Jul-19-06 11:06 AM

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7. "wow"
In response to Reply # 6


  

          

high praise from the master writer himself(smile)...thank you gio...mabe

if you didn't define yourself for yourself you'd be crunched into other peoples fantasies of you an eaten alive.

audre lorde

  

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roobug
Member since May 22nd 2006
1707 posts
Wed Jul-26-06 08:11 AM

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10. "RE: swarm"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

“ain’t nobody gone have you if i cain’t georgia lee. you hear me? i swear before god i’ll love you in death than have somebody else lovin’ you.” - reminds me of Beloved. Very powerful the imagery you've created; the "bees", crimson creeping over a little girl's dress, the fear, a child's innocence - well done.

ONE

  

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invisible ink
Member since Apr 07th 2003
1083 posts
Thu Jul-27-06 02:01 PM

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11. "RE: swarm"
In response to Reply # 10


  

          

yeah..it does have a lil' of that sumthin' in there...thank you for the love...k

if you didn't define yourself for yourself you'd be crunched into other peoples fantasies of you an eaten alive.

audre lorde

  

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mindful
Charter member
41306 posts
Thu Jul-27-06 06:28 PM

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12. "i love how your characters' names are of my hometown"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

savannah, georgia...

favorite and most involving lines to me:

“ain’t nobody gone have you if i cain’t georgia lee. you hear me? i swear before god i’ll love you in death than have somebody else lovin’ you.” savannah’s daddy was shoutin’ and runnin’. the gun was black and made up like one of the water guns she and daddy played water tag with. but wasn’t no water in this one. savannah wish there was water. she was hot and could feel a pinch on her thighs and then on her neck. the bees had come.

*nods*

you're a novel writer. get started on that book

-----------------------
Pinwheels and Hula Hoops: my book
http://www.lulu.com/content/132318

http://msmind.blogspot.com

no shit in 06.

you should know that
when you smile sincerely
it has a beautiful effect ©sunshine

  

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invisible ink
Member since Apr 07th 2003
1083 posts
Thu Jul-27-06 07:03 PM

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13. "funny thing"
In response to Reply # 12


  

          

when i'm writing i either think of you or boris or tameica...but mostly yo ...how is that? (lol)

chile i'm workin' the mojo on the book for real...muah...k

------

if you didn't define yourself for yourself you'd be crunched into other peoples fantasies of you an eaten alive.

audre lorde

  

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Amira Muse
Member since Jun 22nd 2005
499 posts
Fri Jul-28-06 02:41 PM

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14. "RE: swarm"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

this made my stomach drop (in a good way). I kind of felt like i was sitting on the edge of my seat, waiting for the next word.

your description as others have said is gorgeous and every word does it's work, there's nothing wasted or extra here

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I'on wanna hear no yang yang from yo' transistor"-The Honorable James Evans

Reforming Charter Member since 2005

www.myspace.com/amiramuse
www.amiarmuse.wordpress.com

  

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ASIEM
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4154 posts
Wed Feb-14-07 02:19 AM

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15. "RE: swarm"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

ah ha a masterpiece i almost missed. where i been ? you got skizillz fa sho guhl.

"keep pennin till the earth birth's your rightful seed then nurture it wit more ink..."
ASIEM
"Kuun fiyah Kuun" Quran
(Be and it is)
" A writer takes his pen to write the words again that all in love is fair" Stevie Wonder

  

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kid abstract
Member since Aug 20th 2006
186 posts
Wed Feb-14-07 02:52 AM

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16. "RE: swarm"
In response to Reply # 0


          

Story-tella reprezent! First para graph was amazing.

Could you write a story where the bees are the heroes?

Just curious, neva mind, I'm testin.

Love, the kid

  

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savagehenry
Member since Feb 11th 2007
90 posts
Fri Feb-16-07 01:59 AM

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17. "RE: swarm"
In response to Reply # 0


          

Incredible, that's good stuff.

  

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ThaAnthology
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21061 posts
Fri Feb-16-07 08:56 AM

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18. "jesus..."
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

what a read! I am blown away. Damn.

www.anthologyfmn.com

Enter the Written World of Fahim Malik Nassar

The House of Caine (available)

Melancholoy Funk (available)

Tha Anthology (Words 2001-2003) Poetry inspired by OKP and Wash, DC
(available)

The Spook who sat by the Radio Poetry (av

  

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phelonious
Member since May 21st 2005
175 posts
Fri Feb-16-07 02:15 PM

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19. "RE: swarm"
In response to Reply # 0


          

Man...that was pretty heavy...It defintely pulled me in....Great contrast of the real world and the perspective of a child's view....Speechless...

http://www.youtube.com/user/cierno?feature=mhee


Check it out

  

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PhotoSynthesis
Charter member
16101 posts
Fri Feb-16-07 11:56 PM

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20. "RE: swarm"
In response to Reply # 0


          

I swear I read this once b~4 -- I'onnno why I didn't respond at the time I read it -- But it obviously got away from me --

Damn I'm glad it was brought back to "Page 1" so I could inhale the emotional aroma of anxiety, fear, & death ... aromas stirred in this pot of poetic/prose poignancy.


^This^ reads like the end of a story -- I'd LOVE to read the beginning & middle, nahmean? --


*Very Moving Piece*




A guitar string vibrating, a measure of my soul, a breech in the silence --
I've always felt like words come through me & I write them down... they have no master --- gsquared ♥

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/2/photosynthesis_music.htm

  

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invisible ink
Member since Apr 07th 2003
1083 posts
Sun Feb-18-07 11:47 AM

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21. "wow...and thank you"
In response to Reply # 20


  

          

this is so wild for me...because i posted this a while ago, just testing my short story chops again. out of all the little short short stories i've posted on the boards, this one is my fsvorite...glad to know it resurfaced...and good looking out fam....kimabe

if you didn't define yourself for yourself you'd be crunched into other peoples fantasies of you an eaten alive.

audre lorde

  

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marijane
Member since Feb 26th 2004
13093 posts
Sun Feb-18-07 03:57 PM

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22. "Breathtaking! Literally with all pun"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

I almost didn't care to know the back story...cause it didn't matter. It didn't matter why Daddy was shooting eventhough they had played waterguns. I feel emotionally close to this piece


Thank you

Keep shining!

_____________________________________
WITH CUZ (STACEY) GONE, I'LL NEVER REALLY BE HERE AGAIN

I swear I'm a marry an OKP


Nakia Genevieve are my middle names... Not my attempt to morph Phenom with Novembersgift... But...

  

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