“savannah put your head down” drips of sweat from her mothers face rain dropped on to her forehead. her neck made a cracking sound as her mama shoved her down into the folds of her dress. mama’s nails dug into her smooth baby oiled skin, while the road was maneuvered with minimal vision. “bullets don’t sound like firecracka’s”, savannah thought to herself. to her they felt like bees grazing her arms during summers spent in big ma’s yard. she attempted to swat the bullets away once or twice, but her mother slapped her hand down. “whatchu doin’ chile? i ain’t got time to mess witchu”.
“ain’t nobody gone have you if i cain’t georgia lee. you hear me? i swear before god i’ll love you in death than have somebody else lovin’ you.” savannah’s daddy was shoutin’ and runnin’. the gun was black and made up like one of the water guns she and daddy played water tag with. but wasn’t no water in this one. savannah wish there was water. she was hot and could feel a pinch on her thighs and then on her neck. the bees had come.
her mama all of a sudden felt heavy and let go of the steering wheel. “daddy”, she shouted. “stop playin’ tag. mama’s getting heavy and I don’t wanna play no mo’." Her dress had pretty red flowers blooming across her right side. The bees were still comin’.
She watched crimson cover the polka dots until she couldn’t fight the tired no more.
if you didn't define yourself for yourself you'd be crunched into other peoples fantasies of you an eaten alive.
9. "RE: this makes me think of crystal & beau willie" In response to Reply # 4
Yes, it reminds me of ntozake. I would like to "hear" this...
http://worthwatering.blogspot.com Can it be I stayed away too long?/ Did I leave your mind when I was gone?/ It's not my thing trying to get back/ But this time let me tell you where I'm at-- Jackson Five
i'm torn between the beauty in which this was written and the hard sadness of this story. i took me two reads to understand what was going on. it's crazy, but real.
i really loved how you tied the slugs from the buck to the sting of bees, and how Savannah's naive enough to swat at them.
i haven't read many pieces on domestic violence. but from the ones i've seen, i haven't seen anything done like this before. this piece brings you directly into the story. there's no explanation or preachiness. the story does most of the work in getting the point across.
“ain’t nobody gone have you if i cain’t georgia lee. you hear me? i swear before god i’ll love you in death than have somebody else lovin’ you.” - reminds me of Beloved. Very powerful the imagery you've created; the "bees", crimson creeping over a little girl's dress, the fear, a child's innocence - well done.
12. "i love how your characters' names are of my hometown" In response to Reply # 0
savannah, georgia...
favorite and most involving lines to me:
“ain’t nobody gone have you if i cain’t georgia lee. you hear me? i swear before god i’ll love you in death than have somebody else lovin’ you.” savannah’s daddy was shoutin’ and runnin’. the gun was black and made up like one of the water guns she and daddy played water tag with. but wasn’t no water in this one. savannah wish there was water. she was hot and could feel a pinch on her thighs and then on her neck. the bees had come.
ah ha a masterpiece i almost missed. where i been ? you got skizillz fa sho guhl.
"keep pennin till the earth birth's your rightful seed then nurture it wit more ink..." ASIEM "Kuun fiyah Kuun" Quran (Be and it is) " A writer takes his pen to write the words again that all in love is fair" Stevie Wonder
I swear I read this once b~4 -- I'onnno why I didn't respond at the time I read it -- But it obviously got away from me --
Damn I'm glad it was brought back to "Page 1" so I could inhale the emotional aroma of anxiety, fear, & death ... aromas stirred in this pot of poetic/prose poignancy.
^This^ reads like the end of a story -- I'd LOVE to read the beginning & middle, nahmean? --
*Very Moving Piece*
A guitar string vibrating, a measure of my soul, a breech in the silence -- I've always felt like words come through me & I write them down... they have no master --- gsquared ♥
21. "wow...and thank you" In response to Reply # 20
this is so wild for me...because i posted this a while ago, just testing my short story chops again. out of all the little short short stories i've posted on the boards, this one is my fsvorite...glad to know it resurfaced...and good looking out fam....kimabe
if you didn't define yourself for yourself you'd be crunched into other peoples fantasies of you an eaten alive.
22. "Breathtaking! Literally with all pun" In response to Reply # 0
I almost didn't care to know the back story...cause it didn't matter. It didn't matter why Daddy was shooting eventhough they had played waterguns. I feel emotionally close to this piece
Thank you
Keep shining!
_____________________________________ WITH CUZ (STACEY) GONE, I'LL NEVER REALLY BE HERE AGAIN
I swear I'm a marry an OKP
Nakia Genevieve are my middle names... Not my attempt to morph Phenom with Novembersgift... But...