"whoever said forever would last" Sat Jan-20-07 12:58 PM by mindful
he finds her disgusting. he sleeps on the couch. he does not bathe with her anymore.
she fights with cooking. she stays out late & lies to avoid arguments. she smooths his side of the bed knowing he won't join her.
he dreams of high school love, flawless & new. he remembers them smiling, unashamed. he barely notices her penny colored eyes.
she finds him in his best friend. she mimics moans mastered in bed only with him. she chooses not to let herself cum.
he could never stray. he builds a home for them without her. he prays for the familiar to return.
she hardly kisses him. she hates to hear him breathe. she packs her bags, gathers her writings, and snatches up keys.
he fights the urge to say, "i love you." she fights the urge to say, "i hate you." they watch each other fade, revealing nothing. they knew it would one day end, just not today.
* The HE/SHE -- HE/SHE format * The emotion & sentiment contained within * The ending & subject title -- (((Perfect)))
Your writings always leave the reader ... Either satisfied & full / Or hungry for more! --
That tuggin' you do at poetic salivary glands is a gift, yaknow? -- *smiles*
A guitar string vibrating, a measure of my soul, a breech in the silence -- I've always felt like words come through me & I write them down... they have no master --- gsquared ♥
2. "thanks lady. i was trying something new, a new format" In response to Reply # 1
i want to try and do stanzas with 3 lines only, and then ending the poem with a stanza consisting of 4 lines only. we'll see how long i can play this out. *nods* thanks for peeping and appreciating it.
3. "RE: thanks lady. i was trying something new, a new format" In response to Reply # 2
I liked the new format, too.
http://worthwatering.blogspot.com Can it be I stayed away too long?/ Did I leave your mind when I was gone?/ It's not my thing trying to get back/ But this time let me tell you where I'm at-- Jackson Five
4. "RE: whoever said forever would last" In response to Reply # 0
yeh this works real well specially since the entire piece felt so impersonal and antagonistic, i could see she was grittin on him while he was more like prrring graphic
"keep pennin till the earth birth's your rightful seed then nurture it wit more ink..." ASIEM "Kuun fiyah Kuun" Quran (Be and it is) " A writer takes his pen to write the words again that all in love is fair" Stevie Wonder
>he finds her disgusting. >he sleeps on the couch. >he does not bathe with her anymore. > >she fights with cooking. >she stays out late & lies to avoid arguments. >she smooths his side of the bed knowing he won't join her. >
>he remembers them smiling, unashamed.
>
> >he could never stray. >he builds a home for them without her. >he prays for the familiar to return. > >she hardly kisses him. >she hates to hear him breathe.
>he fights the urge to say, "i love you." >she fights the urge to say, "i hate you." >they watch each other fade, revealing nothing. >they knew it would one day end, just not today. >
The parts really hit home. My situation is EXACTLY like this. Scary, how you put it down into words to express some deep emotions deep inside me. Almost made ya boy get "something" in his eye.
6. "RE: whoever said forever would last" In response to Reply # 0 Tue Jan-23-07 01:28 PM by gee
I found this a bit too bleak but that could just be my mood, very effective writing as usual, I guess I'm just a sucker for a positive twist at the end but I'll come back to it when I'm in a more even mood.
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