Printer-friendly copy Email this topic to a friend
Lobby Pass The Popcorn topic #341911

Subject: "The Official Meet the Spartans Post." Previous topic | Next topic
Frank Longo
Member since Nov 18th 2003
84515 posts
Wed Jan-09-08 05:08 PM

Click to send email to this author Click to send private message to this authorClick to view this author's profileClick to add this author to your buddy list
"The Official Meet the Spartans Post."
Fri Jan-25-08 06:21 PM by Frank Longo

  

          

The following is a true story, a diary of the events that took place Friday, January 25th, the opening day of the film.

Meet the Spartans: A Test of Endurance by Frank Longo:

3:10 PM- I'm suiting up for the 3:30 showing of Meet the Spartans on opening day. I order my ticket for There Will Be Blood on Fandango.com, with full intentions of giving these people no money. But they draw me like a moth to the flame. It's a phenomenon critics fail to understand. Stupid people make up a large chunk of America, and they desire the lowest common denominator. I am bringing a notepad and taking extensive notes on the "gags" the film provides, and hoping to emerge unscathed. My Date Movie observations did not go smoothly, but I survived with my brain in tact: http://board.okayplayer.com/okp.php?az=show_topic&forum=6&topic_id=153847&mesg_id=153847&listing_type=search. This one looks far far worse. Pray for me as I enter the abyss.

3:20 PM- The theatre is divided into two halves. There Will Be Blood is on the left, Meet the Spartans is on the right. I wonder what Robert Frost might say.

3:22 PM- I go to the bathroom, and take an enormous shit. I begin to think this could be an omen. Then I turn to the toilet paper-- both rolls are brand new, and I have a great deal of difficulty finding the end of the first piece. Then, when I flush, it doesn't all go away. I flush again, yet still the toilet is not yet clean. I see this as a giant metaphor for what I am about to put myself through.

3:30 PM- I enter the theater. 12 people are already seated inside. By my count, there are 3 women, 11 people college-age and under, and 12 white people. The advertising campaigns are hitting the desired demographic perfectly.

3:35 PM- An old man enters the theater and sits alone. I wonder what his life was like, what led him down this path, and what his motivation was on a Friday afternoon to come see a film like this. Perhaps he is me 50 years from now, continuing to be curious as to how bad films can get. I share in his sadness.

3:37 PM- A mother and her 11-year-old daughter enter. I feel an enormous urge to yell, "TURN AROUND!!" I resist, and through non-intervention, I become an accomplice to a cinematic crime.

3:38 PM- The first trailer is for Be Kind Rewind. I realize that my laughter will probably end shortly after this trailer. I also realize I've been mentally preparing myself for this film for weeks without knowing it. I've been watching nothing but 2007 awards contenders, all terrific American films that PTP has recommended and praised. I am as high on American cinema as I can be right now. It wasn't just because I held out hope for a truly great time in recent cinematic history-- no, I was like the ant who was collecting food to survive before a long, cold, unfunny winter.

3:41 PM- Now we're talking. No one laughed at the first trailer. But now that Larry the Cable Guy's new film has a trailer rolling, people are HOWLING. The audience actually laughs at the line, "Are you insane???" "No, I'm Larry!" Bonus: this film co-stars Eric Roberts. It's called Witless Protection, and I hear one college-age dude say at the end of the trailer to his friends, "I've GOTTA see that!"

3:44 PM- I thought the Larry the Cable Guy film looked bad... and then a preview began for a kickboxing/martial-arts film. It's like Fast and the Furious... except with kickboxing. A good-looking new guy comes to town and joins this crew of kickboxers... but then the leader sees the new guy flirting with his girl, and beats him up, finishing him off with the line, "The bad news is... it's gotta end with you lookin like a bitch." KICK! This flick looks so fucking bad. And oh yeah, DJIMON HOUNSOU IS IN IT. He's playing the Mr. Miyagi to this good guy as he trains more, saying things like, "Everyone has their fight." I groaned about ten times in the two minute preview. It's called Never Back Down.

3:48 PM- Another fucking trailer. It begins with "From the executive producers of The Grudge and The Ring." And it has to do with spirit photography. Yes, there are blurry people in photos. Yes, there are spirits that move jerkily. And yes, there are creepy little Asian girls.

3:51 PM- FINALLY THE FILM IS BEGINNING. They've already worn down my defenses with their front line of shitty previews. I hold my Mike and Ikes in one hand and my Coke in the other. I'm ready to stare down whatever they've got.

3:52 PM- The film is 1 minute in, and yes, we already have a Baby Shrek from Shrek 3 saying it wants to suck a teat, we have green projectile vomit, and we have a gag about Brangelina adopting Vietnamese babies. I remind myself that this is only the first minute, but I'm pessimistic since I'm so busy not laughing that my Mike and Ikes are nearly gone.

3:53 PM- A Casino Royale parody bombs, since there's a bad guy hitting Leonidas's balls and calling him "Mr. Bond," while Leonidas keeps saying "My name's not Bond!" Once when he gets hit in the nuts, he yells, "Little Miss Sunshine!" Note to self: saying the name of a movie when getting hit in the nuts isn't necessarily funny.

3:57 PM- A dancing penguin comes out. Leonidas says "He has happy feet," you know, just in case you missed the dancing penguin reference. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, this is funny, wait for it-- the penguin speaks like an ANGRY SLANG-TALKING BLACK MAN! He says, "I'm bout ta make you my bitch, cracka!" The fight scene between the penguin and Leonidas lasts literally 4 minutes. If you think this isn't long, try counting out 240 seconds aloud.

3:58 PM- Carmen Electra's character enters. She of course enters to a sexy rap song, sucking a lollipop, with lots of slow motion shots of her tits and ass, and her tongue wrapping around the lollipop. This is by miles and miles the best part of the film so far. She then reveals a chastity belt that requires a combination to unlock, in a gag so blatantly stolen from Mel Brooks that I almost yelled in the theater. My candy AND coke are gone already. I begin to feel very alone. Only six minutes have passed.

4:00 PM- Leonidas hits his small child. In slow motion. A lot. For 2 and a half minutes. Note to self: What's funny on America's Funniest Home Videos is only funny cuz the videos are about 10 seconds long.

4:03 PM- HOLY SHIT, JACKIE CHILES IS XERXES' MESSENGER. This is the first time I smile in the entire film. Then Carmen Electra says she likes to do it with big black dudes, and he tells Leonidas, "Dawg, your wife's a ho." The smile fades.

4:04 PM- Ah yes, the pit of death sequence. We knew this was coming. There's literally an entire minute of Britney Spears shtick before she's kicked in. Is that funny? If it's not, then K-Fed gets kicked in next. Then Sanjaya, who gets kicked in as the little girl crying in that one episode (talk about a very moment specific gag!) is in the background. Still not funny? Some American Idol judge impersonators judge Leonidas on his performance, and they get kicked in. Then a Ryan Seacrest impersonator jumps into the pit, as he yells "Seacrest out!" This all takes five minutes of the film, a.k.a. an entire third of the film up to this point.

4:09 PM- The oracle is Ugly Betty. That's the joke. The joke is that Ugly Betty is the oracle. Or maybe the joke is Ugly Betty is in Sparta, and that's funny. I'm really not sure how simply mentioning Ugly Betty is funny. She then says to Leonidas, "Save the cheerleader, save the world." He says, "I'm not that into Heroes." Again, I focused in REALLY hard looking for a joke, but then I came to the conclusion that the joke is simply that they're mentioning other movies. I immediately realize that I could do this for a living, and grow optimistic about my chances of being rich and famous.

4:12 PM- Leonidas and Carmen Electra wanna "do it." So they show lots of footage of them doing what looks like sex, and when they pull back you realize he's benchpressing her. These are just some of the greatest hits of gags I'm touching on here.

4:14 PM- Kevin Sorbo appears. God bless him, he's trying. But his first joke is introducing his son, who has a big package. The son enters, and sure enough, he is carrying a large box. Ha. Ha. Ha........ Ha.

4:15 PM- Some America's Next Top Model judge impersonators judge how Kevin Sorbo's son looks. This is the second reality TV show judging parody. I start looking around the theater for the exit signs. All is not well.

4:17 PM- Diedrich Bader... God bless him, he's trying. He's given gags like text messaging Xerxes "Spartans goin south OMG ROTFL". The Spartans all hold hands and start skipping around, singing.... wait for it.... I Will Survive. I begin to think that this is my own personal Battle of Thermopylae.

4:18 PM- I've failed to mention til now the ENORMOUS AMOUNT of product placement in this film. Early on, there's a sequence involving a Subway sandwich. Now, there's a fake Gatorade commercial, where the Spartans sweat blue. Conversely, the fat kid is eating... KRISPY KREME DONUTS! Every time there's a blatant product placement, it makes me want to protest those products (but fuck that, I could use a Krispy Kreme right now for some energy).

4:19 PM- Paris Hilton appears as a hunchback. My first quasi-laugh is Kevin Sorbo laughing about how he saw the Paris Hilton sex tape, simply because the idea of this dude watching the Paris Hilton sex tape is mildly humorous for some reason. Maybe this film is simply killing my sense of humor. The Paris Hilton shtick (played by the same girl who played Britney) goes on for literally two and a half minutes. And they end the bit with the same joke as they ended the Britney gag with: a blurred crotch shot. Get it? Because they show off their hoohahs! I find myself wishing I was watching the Larry the Cable Guy movie.

4:22 PM- Method Man shows up as a Persian. Leonidas says, "We bout to Stomp the Yard!" They begin stepping, which they turns into breakdancing. There aren't gags, just a lot of Persians and Spartans breakdancing.

4:26 PM- Oh my God, they're still dancing.

4:27 PM- Someone finally turns off the iPod (plug, plug, plug), and Leonidas says, "You got SERVED." Then, some Dancing With the Stars judge impersonators show up and judge Leonidas on his dancing. THIS IS THE THIRD REALITY SHOW JUDGE BIT. NONE OF THEM HAVE GOTTEN LAUGHS SO FAR. HAND ME A GUN, WE'RE NOT EVEN AN HOUR IN.

4:29 PM- A two-minute bit sending up Budweiser (plug, plug, plug) commercials for Real Men of Genius: The War Mongering Latent Homosexual just ended. Might have been a halfway decent SNL sketch if it were shorter, better written, and funny.

4:32 PM- The fat guy from Borat is Xerxes. He's introduced as "Xerxes, who looks like the fat guy from Borat." He then plays Deal or No Deal with Leonidas for a minute and a half. Guys, I can't make this stuff up.

4:34 PM- I'm now feeling ill. They have now been doing a parody of MTV's Yo Mama for two whole minutes. Kevin Sorbo says, "Yo mama's so dumb, she thought Tupac Shakur was a Jewish holiday! OHHHHHHHH!" This is the second time Kevin Sorbo made me quasi-laugh. But again, it's only because these lines are being said by Kevin Sorbo. I wish the whole movie was Kevin Sorbo. I literally don't feel well, and I don't think it's the Mike and Ikes.

4:35 PM- The chills down Xerxes' spine are caused by... DENTYNE ICE!!

4:36 PM- Carmen Electra says, "I have crabs." Cut to a shot of her panty-laden crotch, and yes, little tiny crabs are crawling all over it. I begin thinking of the ways PTP could put together a parody film about a thousand times more clever than this one.

4:39 PM- WHAT. THE. FUCK. I just endured another 2 and a half minutes of Paris Hilton shtick. IT'S NOT FUCKING FUNNY.

4:40 PM- OMG there's a blind Spartan and he runs into shit! ROFLCOPTER LOLZ!

4:42 PM- I haven't mentioned this... because the Spartans are latent homosexuals (I smell a comedic goldmiiiiine!), they hold hands and skip everywhere they go. This gag got one laugh from my audience the first time. The ensuing ten times were met with silence. Even this audience, who loves Larry the Cable Guy, think this shit is D-U-M.

4:44 PM- If you think old men saying "Let's make it rain!" and throwing dollar bills at Carmen Electra is funny, then you'll LOOOOVE "MEET THE SPARTANS!" Rated PG-13!

4:46 PM- Don't ask me to explain. Carmen Electra becomes Venom and Diedrich Bader turns into Sandman. They fight. For two minutes. I begin to understand what Marlow went through in Heart of Darkness.

4:49 PM- Ghost Rider shows up to a fight, and gets his head fire extinguished. Didn't that movie not do great? The fuck are they parodying that for?

4:51 PM- Kevin Sorbo, in order to kill Rocky, injects him with a huge Botox needle into his head. This doesn't shrink his head, or result in any sight gag. Rocky just keels over and dies, face looking absolutely normal. I guess they just wanted to reference Botox, and thought that'd be funny enough. They imagine some young friends, going "Haha! Man, they killed Rocky with Botox! Oh shit, bro, awesome! *high fives all around*"

4:53 PM- Remember the movie The Beach, where everything turns to video game mode? Remember how fucking weird is was there? Well, this time, the battle at Hot Gates turns into "Grand Theft Auto: Hot Gates." Yes, he beats someone with a crowbar to collect money. Yes, someone drives by and he steals their car. Yes, he turns Barbie Girl on the radio for 20 seconds and sings along.... whoa whoa whoa, what the fuck? That's right, they can't even get a fucking GTA parody RIGHT, let alone make it funny. Oh yeah, and a tattoo that says San Andreas shows up on Leonidas' stomach for no reason. I'm hoping that this is the grand finale.

4:55 PM- That wasn't the grand finale. The fat guy from Borat finds the Allspark. (all together now... *groooooan*) He touches it, and a car appears. Uhhh.... wat? http://www.encyclopediadramatica.com/images/6/67/Wat.jpg Then, fat guy from Borat and the car meld together to make a half-human, half-Transformer... or something. He has a TV on his stomach that plays the "Leave Britney Alone!" video. Luckily, the robot unplugs himself... or something. They all die.

4:56 PM- I'll give you a million Longo Dollars if you can guess how the blind Spartan recognizes Carmen Electra!

4:58 PM- The film ends with the Spartans going to Malibu, they knock over Lindsay Lohan, and yes, a pixelated crotch shot for the third time is the joke they choose to end the movie on.

5:00 PM- The credits roll, and the characters all sing "I Will Survive" on the American Idol stage. There's a brief interlude where Britney Spears sings the song and dances a la the infamous MTV appearance. I don't stay to watch all the credits, but I catch several credits for celebrity impersonations that don't end up in the film, sucn as President Bush, Ellen DeGeneres, Rambo, and Dane Cook. I leave wondering if the Dane Cook impression would've been the one laugh I might've had during the film.

5:10 PM- I come home and take a shower, eat some ice cream, and feel ready to write my review. My fellow PTPers... don't see this film. There's a hundred better movies available from 2007 alone. Shit, go see Untraceable if you're looking to see a bad movie. Just don't see this one. It's not even fun for people that like bad movies.

I did this for you, PTP. Don't ever say your mod doesn't love you.

Sincerely yours,
Frank Longo

  

Printer-friendly copy | Reply | Reply with quote | Top


Topic Outline
Subject Author Message Date ID
you are a brave man
Jan 09th 2008
1
They are cheap, easy, and make cash
Jan 09th 2008
3
Thumbs up for Meth
Jan 09th 2008
2
But Britney Spears was born centuries after the time of the Spartans
Jan 09th 2008
4
RE: But Britney Spears was born centuries after the time of the Spartans
Jan 25th 2008
10
anybody that sees this movie and enjoys it deserves aids.
Jan 09th 2008
5
Funny story: My friend asked his brother to see Walk Hard with him.
Jan 09th 2008
6
i laughed.
Jan 09th 2008
7
.....
Jan 09th 2008
8
Ladies and Gents, Longo took the shit for you. Literally. Twice.
Jan 25th 2008
9
isaidgotDAMN.
Jan 25th 2008
11
it's doing numbers, though
Jan 25th 2008
12
Thank you for this but i'm actually going to go see it in about 2 hrs
Jan 25th 2008
13
wow! how can people do this?
Jan 28th 2008
31
I've got an even better idea for a movie
Jan 25th 2008
14
Here's the pitch:
Jan 25th 2008
15
      Is there a singing British barber?
Jan 25th 2008
16
           He plays the organ at the black church being robbed.
Jan 26th 2008
18
                ...wow.
Feb 01st 2008
39
I saw the Never Back Down trailer before Cloverfield; it's Karate Kid
Jan 26th 2008
17
it really is
Jan 26th 2008
25
I want to thank you for this, from the bottom of my heart
Jan 26th 2008
19
you just need to not be friends with idiots
Jan 26th 2008
20
      zacklee
Jan 29th 2008
33
well done.
Jan 26th 2008
21
not done reading, but "SEACREST OUT!" made me bust out laughing.
Jan 26th 2008
22
did Blind Spartan recognize her by feeling her breasts?
Jan 26th 2008
23
i cringed a few times just reading that.
Jan 26th 2008
24
Rambo and Spartans in a tight race
Jan 26th 2008
26
if im gonna see a bad movie, im gonna see a bad comedy
Jan 27th 2008
27
Bless this man....
Jan 28th 2008
28
#1 movie in America
Jan 28th 2008
29
I'm not impressed.
Jan 28th 2008
30
by my count, it was an hour and what, eight minutes?
Jan 29th 2008
32
RE: The Official Meet the Spartans Post.
Jan 30th 2008
34
Turbo-Teen?
Jan 30th 2008
35
Admit it...this shit looked funny right here
Jan 31st 2008
36
Archive?
Jan 31st 2008
37
Longo died for our sins.
Jan 31st 2008
38

THRILLHOUSE
Member since Oct 26th 2007
3655 posts
Wed Jan-09-08 06:19 PM

Click to send email to this author Click to send private message to this authorClick to view this author's profileClick to add this author to your buddy list
1. "you are a brave man"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

this movie looks terrible! (c) Charles Barkley

How does Friedburg and Seltzer continue to get paid for making this crap??? Do their parodies really do that well at the box office? I used to be a huge fan of parodies but not many good ones are being made these days (I havent seen Dewey Cox yet).

  

Printer-friendly copy | Reply | Reply with quote | Top

    
SoulHonky
Member since Jan 21st 2003
25919 posts
Wed Jan-09-08 06:42 PM

Click to send email to this author Click to send private message to this authorClick to view this author's profileClick to add this author to your buddy list
3. "They are cheap, easy, and make cash"
In response to Reply # 1


          

Date Movie cost 20 million (and I can't imagine the others cost that much more) and made 80 million worldwide. (40 million domestic). Epic Movie also made around 80 million worldwide.

Studios love this type of movie: cheap, no stars, easy to make, easy to market.

----
NBA MOCK DRAFT #1 - https://thecourierclass.com/whole-shebang/2017/5/18/2017-nba-mock-draft-1-just-lotto-and-lotta-trades

  

Printer-friendly copy | Reply | Reply with quote | Top

jbenok
Member since Feb 09th 2004
1731 posts
Wed Jan-09-08 06:25 PM

Click to send email to this author Click to send private message to this authorClick to view this author's profileClick to add this author to your buddy listClick to send message via AOL IM
2. "Thumbs up for Meth"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

And...that's about it.

Funkadelic Freestyles
Live on WRGW Radio
Tuesdays 8-10 pm EST
http://funkadelicfreestyles.com
http://gwradio.com
http://twitter.com/jbenok
http://elitaste.com
http://realmangojuice.com
http://rappersiknow.com

  

Printer-friendly copy | Reply | Reply with quote | Top

stylez dainty
Member since Nov 22nd 2004
6566 posts
Wed Jan-09-08 06:49 PM

Click to send email to this author Click to send private message to this authorClick to view this author's profileClick to add this author to your buddy list
4. "But Britney Spears was born centuries after the time of the Spartans"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

And how could the Spartans have known about contemporary urban dance culture?

Yes, I refuse to suspend disbelief for films that look this bad.

----
I check for: Serengeti, Zeroh, Open Mike Eagle, Jeremiah Jae, Moka Only.

  

Printer-friendly copy | Reply | Reply with quote | Top

    
Nieman5
Member since Feb 05th 2003
424 posts
Fri Jan-25-08 09:04 PM

Click to send email to this author Click to send private message to this authorClick to view this author's profileClick to add this author to your buddy listClick to send message via AOL IM
10. "RE: But Britney Spears was born centuries after the time of the Spartans"
In response to Reply # 4


  

          

>And how could the Spartans have known about contemporary
>urban dance culture?
>
>Yes, I refuse to suspend disbelief for films that look this
>bad.


LOL nice post

  

Printer-friendly copy | Reply | Reply with quote | Top

PlanetInfinite
Charter member
126184 posts
Wed Jan-09-08 07:05 PM

Click to send email to this author Click to send private message to this authorClick to view this author's profileClick to add this author to your buddy list
5. "anybody that sees this movie and enjoys it deserves aids."
In response to Reply # 0


  

          


------------------------------------------
major win.
http://irreverentbastards.blogspot.com/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/irreverentbastard/

  

Printer-friendly copy | Reply | Reply with quote | Top

    
Frank Longo
Member since Nov 18th 2003
84515 posts
Wed Jan-09-08 10:06 PM

Click to send email to this author Click to send private message to this authorClick to view this author's profileClick to add this author to your buddy list
6. "Funny story: My friend asked his brother to see Walk Hard with him."
In response to Reply # 5


  

          

He showed his brother the trailer. His brother said that looked stupid, and he didn't want to see it.

Later, when they saw something else, the Meet the Spartans trailer was in front of it. The brother laughed his ass off, and said, "Now THAT I'd like to see. That looks hilarious!"

My friend, needless to say, was insanely embarrassed.

  

Printer-friendly copy | Reply | Reply with quote | Top

araQual
Charter member
42162 posts
Wed Jan-09-08 11:08 PM

Click to send email to this author Click to send private message to this authorClick to view this author's profileClick to add this author to your buddy list
7. "i laughed."
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

V.

---
http://confessionsofacurlymind.com
https://soundcloud.com/confessionsofacurlymindredux
https://soundcloud.com/generic80sbadguy
https://soundcloud.com/miles_matheson

DROkayplayer™

  

Printer-friendly copy | Reply | Reply with quote | Top

DawgEatah
Charter member
49225 posts
Wed Jan-09-08 11:38 PM

Click to send email to this author Click to send private message to this authorClick to view this author's profileClick to add this author to your buddy list
8. "....."
In response to Reply # 0


  

          



http://fuck-your.blogspot.com
http://www.myspace.com/insightclopediabrown
http://www.myspace.com/dumhi
http://www.youtube.com/group/okayplayer
http://www.last.fm/user/Dawgeatah

  

Printer-friendly copy | Reply | Reply with quote | Top

ZooTown74
Member since May 29th 2002
43582 posts
Fri Jan-25-08 07:46 PM

Click to send email to this author Click to send private message to this authorClick to view this author's profileClick to add this author to your buddy list
9. "Ladies and Gents, Longo took the shit for you. Literally. Twice."
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

Let us pay our proper respects.
________________________________________________________________________
Magnificent Trident

  

Printer-friendly copy | Reply | Reply with quote | Top

duD
Member since Jul 06th 2003
19709 posts
Fri Jan-25-08 09:29 PM

Click to send email to this author Click to send private message to this authorClick to view this author's profileClick to add this author to your buddy list
11. "isaidgotDAMN."
In response to Reply # 0


          


__________________________________
well, john, at least you still have your record.

  

Printer-friendly copy | Reply | Reply with quote | Top

bshelly
Charter member
71730 posts
Fri Jan-25-08 10:49 PM

Click to send email to this author Click to send private message to this authorClick to view this author's profileClick to add this author to your buddy list
12. "it's doing numbers, though"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

----
bshelly

"You (Fisher) could get fired, Les Snead could get fired, Kevin Demoff could get fired, but I will always be Eric Dickerson.” (c) The God

  

Printer-friendly copy | Reply | Reply with quote | Top

walihorse
Member since Aug 03rd 2006
16063 posts
Fri Jan-25-08 10:51 PM

Click to send email to this author Click to send private message to this authorClick to view this author's profileClick to add this author to your buddy list
13. "Thank you for this but i'm actually going to go see it in about 2 hrs"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

BUT.................

before i go see it, i'm going to smoke first and drink.soooooooo

hopefully i'm not as critical abou it, or atleast can't notice how bad it is.


i'm going to write how i feel about this movie monday after the high and buzz are over

If a fat guy falls in the woods and there is no one around to see it, do the trees laugh?

  

Printer-friendly copy | Reply | Reply with quote | Top

    
walihorse
Member since Aug 03rd 2006
16063 posts
Mon Jan-28-08 09:48 PM

Click to send email to this author Click to send private message to this authorClick to view this author's profileClick to add this author to your buddy list
31. "wow! how can people do this?"
In response to Reply # 13


  

          

frank you didn't have people laughing in you r theater right?

well my theater was in tears laughing.

i spaced out, i didn;t notice the movie at all. i was pretty gone. so all i remember was the ending credits they where singing i will survive.

but it was a terrible movie.

If a fat guy falls in the woods and there is no one around to see it, do the trees laugh?

  

Printer-friendly copy | Reply | Reply with quote | Top

Marauder21
Charter member
49516 posts
Fri Jan-25-08 10:55 PM

Click to send email to this author Click to send private message to this authorClick to view this author's profileClick to add this author to your buddy list
14. "I've got an even better idea for a movie"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

I call it "Currently In Theaters Movie." To make sure the gags are even more timely, we just get a list of everything that will be in theaters by the time our movie will be, then write jokes based on what we think a parody of that film would look like based on trailers, premise, cast and whatnot.

Imagine, our main character ("Charlie Wilson") will be walking through the desert pregnant dressed like Javier Bardem, then he walks into a field of clovers and says "There will be blood, because of how she move!"

It will cost $17.66 to make. Let's do this, Longo.

------

12 play and 12 planets are enlighten for all the Aliens to Party and free those on the Sex Planet-maxxx

XBL: trkc21
Twitter: @tyrcasey

  

Printer-friendly copy | Reply | Reply with quote | Top

    
Frank Longo
Member since Nov 18th 2003
84515 posts
Fri Jan-25-08 11:04 PM

Click to send email to this author Click to send private message to this authorClick to view this author's profileClick to add this author to your buddy list
15. "Here's the pitch:"
In response to Reply # 14


  

          

First of all, it's handheld video, let me make that clear from the beginning. It's the story of a pregnant teenage perpetual bridesmaid who gets mixed up with her grandfather dying from cancer in a scheme to rob a black church. Along the way, they meet some old ladies robbing a bank, one of whom accidentally sent her sister's loved one away and another accused of assassinating Abe Lincoln. Then a monster attacks and gives everyone a virus, leaving the pregnant teen and her cancer-ridden grandfather to go on an inspirational journey where they skydive and mine for oil. Suddenly they're attacked by vegetable pirates, but with the help of an old bloodthirsty vet and three singing chipmunks, they find out what it means to truly be alive.

  

Printer-friendly copy | Reply | Reply with quote | Top

        
Marauder21
Charter member
49516 posts
Fri Jan-25-08 11:09 PM

Click to send email to this author Click to send private message to this authorClick to view this author's profileClick to add this author to your buddy list
16. "Is there a singing British barber?"
In response to Reply # 15


  

          

------

12 play and 12 planets are enlighten for all the Aliens to Party and free those on the Sex Planet-maxxx

XBL: trkc21
Twitter: @tyrcasey

  

Printer-friendly copy | Reply | Reply with quote | Top

            
Frank Longo
Member since Nov 18th 2003
84515 posts
Sat Jan-26-08 02:09 AM

Click to send email to this author Click to send private message to this authorClick to view this author's profileClick to add this author to your buddy list
18. "He plays the organ at the black church being robbed."
In response to Reply # 16


  

          

  

Printer-friendly copy | Reply | Reply with quote | Top

                
Quixotic
Charter member
22719 posts
Fri Feb-01-08 02:07 AM

Click to send email to this author Click to send private message to this authorClick to view this author's profileClick to add this author to your buddy listClick to send message via AOL IM
39. "...wow."
In response to Reply # 18


  

          

~G.D.

  

Printer-friendly copy | Reply | Reply with quote | Top

SoulHonky
Member since Jan 21st 2003
25919 posts
Sat Jan-26-08 02:08 AM

Click to send email to this author Click to send private message to this authorClick to view this author's profileClick to add this author to your buddy list
17. "I saw the Never Back Down trailer before Cloverfield; it's Karate Kid"
In response to Reply # 0


          

except with MMA, bland characters and they turned Miyagi into Djimon Honsou (one out of three ain't bad I guess)

----
NBA MOCK DRAFT #1 - https://thecourierclass.com/whole-shebang/2017/5/18/2017-nba-mock-draft-1-just-lotto-and-lotta-trades

  

Printer-friendly copy | Reply | Reply with quote | Top

    
Mynoriti
Charter member
36531 posts
Sat Jan-26-08 06:04 PM

Click to send email to this author Click to send private message to this authorClick to view this author's profileClick to add this author to your buddy list
25. "it really is"
In response to Reply # 17


  

          

i caught a good portion of it without audio (though you can easily figure out every line). at first i thought it was a dance movie, just by the way the "bad guys" look... but yeah it's a painfully hilarious, complete rip of the karate kid.

--------
http://ambitiondeficitdisorder.tumblr.com/

  

Printer-friendly copy | Reply | Reply with quote | Top

dgonsh
Member since Aug 14th 2002
10670 posts
Sat Jan-26-08 03:39 AM

Click to send email to this author Click to send private message to this authorClick to view this author's profileClick to add this author to your buddy listClick to send message via AOL IM
19. "I want to thank you for this, from the bottom of my heart"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

sometimes i get really depressed. for example, i tell my friends we should go see "There Will Be Blood"

they rottentomato it and see it has a 91% rating. their response "oh, its another gonshor movie (making reference to the time i "made" them see Capote). about oil? fuck that."

so we go to the theatre and they decide we should see "in the name of the king" the one with "The Transporter dude."

i beg them...BEG them to see There Will Be Blood. they decline. I say, fine, what about Gone Baby Gone? no dice. i say, let's go see Gone Baby Gone and if you dont like it, ill reimburse you the price of the ticket. they agree. and of course, they like it.

my point is, sometimes i feel depressed like i am the only person in the world who 'gets it.' but then i come to PTP and see a post like this and it reminds me that though we all live in different cities, in a perfect world, we would inhabit a pretty awesome city of our own.

i know this post is rather incoherent, but just understand, i back you longo.

oh yeah, another one of my friends paid to see Epic Movie when it was out. and liked it "for what it was"

needless to say, i dont go to movies with him anymore.

********************************************************************




"I *always* quote myself. I'm the only reliable source on *most* subjects" - OKP's First Lady of Knowledge, Janey

  

Printer-friendly copy | Reply | Reply with quote | Top

    
cereffusion
Charter member
29598 posts
Sat Jan-26-08 03:15 PM

Click to send private message to this authorClick to view this author's profileClick to add this author to your buddy listClick to send message via AOL IM
20. "you just need to not be friends with idiots"
In response to Reply # 19


  

          

  

Printer-friendly copy | Reply | Reply with quote | Top

        
araQual
Charter member
42162 posts
Tue Jan-29-08 09:35 PM

Click to send email to this author Click to send private message to this authorClick to view this author's profileClick to add this author to your buddy list
33. "zacklee"
In response to Reply # 20


  

          

V.

---
http://confessionsofacurlymind.com
https://soundcloud.com/confessionsofacurlymindredux
https://soundcloud.com/generic80sbadguy
https://soundcloud.com/miles_matheson

DROkayplayer™

  

Printer-friendly copy | Reply | Reply with quote | Top

murph25
Charter member
733 posts
Sat Jan-26-08 03:28 PM

Click to send email to this author Click to send private message to this authorClick to view this author's profileClick to add this author to your buddy list
21. "well done."
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

That was an excellent review. I found it hard to even make it through the previews. Sitting through the whole thing must have been fucking brutal. I've always thought that bad comedies are the most intolerable of all bad movie genres. Whereas I can laugh ironically at a bad sci-fi, action, or drama movie, bad comedies are just depressing. There's something really unpleasant about watching a movie that tries desperately to be funny and fails.

peace,
murph

  

Printer-friendly copy | Reply | Reply with quote | Top

James Peach
Member since Jul 27th 2007
2477 posts
Sat Jan-26-08 05:05 PM

Click to send email to this author Click to send private message to this authorClick to view this author's profileClick to add this author to your buddy list
22. "not done reading, but "SEACREST OUT!" made me bust out laughing."
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

fka Invisiblist

www.jamespeach.org

  

Printer-friendly copy | Reply | Reply with quote | Top

James Peach
Member since Jul 27th 2007
2477 posts
Sat Jan-26-08 05:14 PM

Click to send email to this author Click to send private message to this authorClick to view this author's profileClick to add this author to your buddy list
23. "did Blind Spartan recognize her by feeling her breasts?"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

I loved reading this. It kinda makes me wanna watch it just to ejoy how terrible it is.

You know, though, Longo...this shouldn't surprise you. Mad Magazine is still around, right?

fka Invisiblist

www.jamespeach.org

  

Printer-friendly copy | Reply | Reply with quote | Top

Madvillain 626
Member since Apr 25th 2006
10018 posts
Sat Jan-26-08 05:37 PM

Click to send email to this author Click to send private message to this authorClick to view this author's profileClick to add this author to your buddy list
24. "i cringed a few times just reading that."
In response to Reply # 0
Sat Jan-26-08 05:38 PM by Madvillain 626

  

          

i'm most angry at Meth. Are you serious, fam? You go from The Wire to this? I aint never met a Negro without a sense of humor, so I KNOW you knew this movie was weak butter. A check is a check, but damn have some integrity. Reading some of those scenes, that movie is laced with subliminal racism in it's crudest form. At least make How High 2, those harold and kumor cats know where the money is at.

But yeah, there's always going to be good cinema out there, just like good music. Talented people will always get work, and there's never a dearth of good films come Oscar season. But people actually enjoy this type of trash, with endless product placement, 3rd grade jokes and references that won't be funny by the time this shit hits video? Pathetic.

-------------------------------
If life is stupendous one cannot also demand that it should be easy. - Robert Musil

  

Printer-friendly copy | Reply | Reply with quote | Top

SoulHonky
Member since Jan 21st 2003
25919 posts
Sat Jan-26-08 08:04 PM

Click to send email to this author Click to send private message to this authorClick to view this author's profileClick to add this author to your buddy list
26. "Rambo and Spartans in a tight race"
In response to Reply # 0


          

only 110,000 dollars separate the two. Both seem on pace for about a 18 million dollar opening weekend.

----
NBA MOCK DRAFT #1 - https://thecourierclass.com/whole-shebang/2017/5/18/2017-nba-mock-draft-1-just-lotto-and-lotta-trades

  

Printer-friendly copy | Reply | Reply with quote | Top

Ice Kareem
Member since Sep 24th 2003
3672 posts
Sun Jan-27-08 11:08 PM

Click to send email to this author Click to send private message to this authorClick to view this author's profileClick to add this author to your buddy list
27. "if im gonna see a bad movie, im gonna see a bad comedy"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

so thx but im still going

http://nahright.com/news/wp-content/images/seanp_killwhitey_s.jpg

  

Printer-friendly copy | Reply | Reply with quote | Top

EMThead
Member since Aug 02nd 2005
151 posts
Mon Jan-28-08 01:07 AM

Click to send private message to this authorClick to view this author's profileClick to add this author to your buddy list
28. "Bless this man...."
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

for he took the slug with the shit-metal jacket to the head so that we did not have to.




~money, bitches and houses...they still calling you a nigger. -JG

Gamertag: Mighty J Fury

xbox 360 Soundtrack:
-Justus League stays on the playlist
-Tah Phrum Duh Bush-Sunshine or Pure Shade
-BBD - Poison (dammit Turk,now i can't get it out of my mind)

  

Printer-friendly copy | Reply | Reply with quote | Top

    
Nieman5
Member since Feb 05th 2003
424 posts
Mon Jan-28-08 03:45 PM

Click to send email to this author Click to send private message to this authorClick to view this author's profileClick to add this author to your buddy listClick to send message via AOL IM
29. "#1 movie in America"
In response to Reply # 28


  

          

Well I think I know why they make these movies.


#1 at the Box Office.

  

Printer-friendly copy | Reply | Reply with quote | Top

magilla vanilla
Member since Sep 13th 2002
17986 posts
Mon Jan-28-08 07:08 PM

Click to send email to this author Click to send private message to this authorClick to view this author's profileClick to add this author to your buddy listClick to send message via AOL IM
30. "I'm not impressed."
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

You knew this shit was going to be terrible. Why not just, I don't know, avoid it like the plague it is?

Does it actually make your appreciation for good films that much stronger? Or can you seriously not think of a good, constructive way to kill an hour and a half?

---------------------------------
Photo zine(some images NSFW): http://bit.ly/USaSPhoto

"This (and every, actually) conversation needs more Chesterton and less Mike Francesa." - Walleye

  

Printer-friendly copy | Reply | Reply with quote | Top

    
MadDagoNH
Member since Oct 03rd 2002
12463 posts
Tue Jan-29-08 11:23 AM

Click to send email to this author Click to send private message to this authorClick to view this author's profileClick to add this author to your buddy list
32. "by my count, it was an hour and what, eight minutes?"
In response to Reply # 30


  

          

at least according to Longo's diary notes.

------------------------------------------------------------------
2006-07 Zeno Memorial Cup winner: Chara SMASH

Kevin Faulk wants ring number four.

  

Printer-friendly copy | Reply | Reply with quote | Top

Nukkapedia
Member since Apr 16th 2006
35461 posts
Wed Jan-30-08 09:16 AM

Click to send email to this author Click to send private message to this authorClick to view this author's profileClick to add this author to your buddy list
34. "RE: The Official Meet the Spartans Post."
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

>3:44 PM- I thought the Larry the Cable Guy film looked bad...
>and then a preview began for a kickboxing/martial-arts film.
>It's like Fast and the Furious... except with kickboxing. A
>good-looking new guy comes to town and joins this crew of
>kickboxers... but then the leader sees the new guy flirting
>with his girl, and beats him up, finishing him off with the
>line, "The bad news is... it's gotta end with you lookin like
>a bitch." KICK! This flick looks so fucking bad. And oh yeah,
>DJIMON HOUNSOU IS IN IT. He's playing the Mr. Miyagi to this
>good guy as he trains more, saying things like, "Everyone has
>their fight." I groaned about ten times in the two minute
>preview. It's called Never Back Down.

A friend of mine has a bit part (maybe a walk on) in this. He was also in Sydney White.

  

Printer-friendly copy | Reply | Reply with quote | Top

Nukkapedia
Member since Apr 16th 2006
35461 posts
Wed Jan-30-08 02:24 PM

Click to send email to this author Click to send private message to this authorClick to view this author's profileClick to add this author to your buddy list
35. "Turbo-Teen?"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

Then,
>fat guy from Borat and the car meld together to make a
>half-human, half-Transformer... or something.

  

Printer-friendly copy | Reply | Reply with quote | Top

MANHOODLUM
Charter member
27788 posts
Thu Jan-31-08 10:41 AM

Click to send email to this author Click to send private message to this authorClick to view this author's profileClick to add this author to your buddy list
36. "Admit it...this shit looked funny right here"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

"Spartans goin south OMG ROTFL"

That got a laugh. Other than that, this post is beautiful.

Avatar?
E-Boogs and Nayi

MANHOODLUM
Most sig'd okp.
No Aliases.

MANHOODLUM via Twitter
MANHOODLUM@live.com
MANHOODLUM@yahoo.com
Tommy Moran @ Facebook
MANHOODLUM@tmo.blackberry.net

  

Printer-friendly copy | Reply | Reply with quote | Top

Marauder21
Charter member
49516 posts
Thu Jan-31-08 11:07 AM

Click to send email to this author Click to send private message to this authorClick to view this author's profileClick to add this author to your buddy list
37. "Archive?"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

------

12 play and 12 planets are enlighten for all the Aliens to Party and free those on the Sex Planet-maxxx

XBL: trkc21
Twitter: @tyrcasey

  

Printer-friendly copy | Reply | Reply with quote | Top

bski
Member since Jun 09th 2002
12107 posts
Thu Jan-31-08 11:55 AM

Click to send email to this author Click to send private message to this authorClick to view this author's profileClick to add this author to your buddy list
38. "Longo died for our sins."
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

*genuflects before you*


I can't even fathom how people enjoy crap like that. Funny read though.


I'm tired of the "worst song I've ever heard" being something new every month.
-okp simpsycho

http://www.myspace.com/bski
http://www.myspace.com/livesociety

  

Printer-friendly copy | Reply | Reply with quote | Top

Lobby Pass The Popcorn topic #341911 Previous topic | Next topic
Powered by DCForum+ Version 1.25
Copyright © DCScripts.com