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Subject: "so i kicked my son out the house the other night. how y'all doin? " Previous topic | Next topic
poetx
Charter member
58560 posts
Thu Oct-14-21 01:06 PM

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"so i kicked my son out the house the other night. how y'all doin? "


  

          

*sigh*.

my youngest son (23 yo). we been having issues for a while. long story short, he been messing up and adamantly refuses help or to do anything to help himself.

last straw was on tuesday, he came home and microwaved some pee (while me and my wife were talking in the kitchen). he did it real slick. just came in, popped it in there. and left w/o saying nothing. (he was supposed to meet his PO that afternoon.

came back later that night. took a shit. changed clothes. came in the kitchen and put something in the refrigerator. left. i was working or on a call or something. wife was in the other room watching tv. we thought about it. looked at each other. hell naw.

she opens the fridge: two bottles of somebody else's piss. she calls him up (he already on the highway by now). tells him if he wants that shit its in a trash bag in the garage.

he comes back about 45 min later. i'm doing my best to be calm but i am HOT. he digs through the trash to get the bottle. i tell him, "that's it. you gotta go."

he's looking at me surprised, but calm.

i said, that was incredibly disrespectful what you did, since we talked yesterday and we both told you that we would NOT be helping you cheat the test, and emphatically that you wasn't storing that shit here. he's like, "i thought y'all meant Y'ALL wouldn't give me any urine, not that i couldn't put somebody else's there". i didn't dignify that shit w/ a response.

get what you need now. give me your key. and text me later in the week to arrange to pick up the rest of everything you want. we not doing it in dribs and drabs.

so he goes upstairs for about 15-20 min, packs up 2 or 3 small bags. come downstairs. by this time i put my mask on. he wants to talk. the net is that i reiterated that he was only here as long as he was trying to get himself together. go.

i'm fucking tired, y'all.



peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

  

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Topic Outline
Subject Author Message Date ID
I got love for you homeboy. Stay up.
Oct 14th 2021
1
thanks.
Oct 14th 2021
12
That sounds really tough
Oct 14th 2021
2
thank you. y'all are my therapy.
Oct 14th 2021
13
      RE: thank you. y'all are my therapy.
Nov 10th 2021
107
Bruh i feel you
Oct 14th 2021
3
this. too many ways he can get the rest of us hemmed up.
Oct 14th 2021
29
      All facts
Oct 15th 2021
58
           damn that's too similar.
Oct 15th 2021
64
he got arrested on easter at like 1am. i get a call from him like, 'i me...
Oct 14th 2021
4
That's terrible, I'm sorry.
Oct 14th 2021
5
thanks.
Oct 14th 2021
45
That's wild. Playing piss test games when facing a felony
Oct 14th 2021
6
this ( ) told us on monday he had already failed 3 tests, and felt like
Oct 14th 2021
11
here's where the conflict come in. he had no intention, from jump, in
Oct 14th 2021
9
*counts on fingers* YOU GOT 6 KIDS YO!?!?!!! HOW do you even
Oct 14th 2021
14
He’s a real life super hero
Oct 14th 2021
16
for real, for real
Oct 14th 2021
18
i don't / didn't sleep. assistant coached my oldest son in fb when he
Oct 14th 2021
23
poured myself a drink on this one.....
Oct 14th 2021
40
My heart goes out to you and your family.
Oct 14th 2021
44
      thank you.
Oct 14th 2021
55
           RE: thank you.
Oct 15th 2021
63
                this is very helpful, and makes me hopeful.
Oct 16th 2021
74
Damn man. Sorry for all this.
Oct 14th 2021
15
      thank you.
Oct 14th 2021
30
I totally feel you and not mad at you at all.
Oct 14th 2021
7
thank you. praying for y'all too.
Oct 14th 2021
32
Damn. I hate to hear all of this. Stay up
Oct 14th 2021
8
thanks so much.
Oct 14th 2021
46
Im not a parent so I cant say what I would do
Oct 14th 2021
10
i've told him multiple times, throughout life, about realness. the fact ...
Oct 14th 2021
27
      I thought he was white based on the cop being nice
Oct 15th 2021
62
           nope. we all black. nm
Oct 16th 2021
72
I am really mad for you.
Oct 14th 2021
17
I have a cousin I haven’t seen in years
Oct 14th 2021
24
reminds me of myself until I got my own place
Oct 14th 2021
38
damn.. already failed 3 test and still smoking?
Oct 14th 2021
19
from 2012 to 2016, my life:
Oct 14th 2021
20
fam, that's a lot...
Oct 14th 2021
34
yeah. it is. sometimes i dunno.
Oct 15th 2021
65
and YOU don't smoke? shiiiiiiiiiiit......
Oct 14th 2021
41
      if it was legal in nc??? pssh.
Oct 15th 2021
66
Man, that's tough
Oct 14th 2021
21
He’s adopted. Plus he has a mental disorder.
Oct 14th 2021
22
yes and yes. it's a whole lot. he had therapy when
Oct 14th 2021
33
jail/prison is going to be his rock bottom
Oct 14th 2021
25
yup. Always the hard way.
Oct 14th 2021
37
that's the thing. i'm hoping kicking him out is his rock bottom.
Oct 15th 2021
67
what age was he when you adopted him?
Oct 14th 2021
26
he was 4. a few days short of his 5th birthday.
Oct 14th 2021
28
      does he have any sort of relationship with his biological?
Oct 14th 2021
42
           Reply #52. yeah.
Oct 14th 2021
53
has he ever been part of a drug counseling or aversion program?
Oct 14th 2021
31
no. i told him when he was arrested that that would be a component of
Oct 14th 2021
56
sorry to hear that fam
Oct 14th 2021
35
Damn. 23? Gotta go do something
Oct 14th 2021
36
i hope the best for him :/
Oct 14th 2021
39
That’s tough
Oct 14th 2021
43
thanks to all of y'all for all of the support, thoughts, prayers. it mea...
Oct 14th 2021
47
Sending love to you and the fam. Mental health in a mad world.....
Oct 14th 2021
48
episodes - broke up w/ his gf in... early 2019? they were together for
Oct 14th 2021
49
Sorry for this but thanks for sharing
Oct 14th 2021
50
episode - he went off b/c our oldest daughter called him the previous
Oct 14th 2021
51
anyway, he gets real into his birth family. we told him it was cool.
Oct 14th 2021
52
Parents love is forever and unconditional but sometimes we need to vent
Oct 14th 2021
54
yep. this is what it is. venting.
Oct 16th 2021
71
I’m a but shocked he has already failed 3 test and is still free
Oct 15th 2021
57
fam. he said he failed 3, and then cheated 2. i'm like, wtf is the PO do...
Oct 16th 2021
76
Fuck man, that's hard.
Oct 15th 2021
59
thank you.
Oct 20th 2021
77
You can’t help someone who won’t help themselves
Oct 15th 2021
60
Yeah man, this is so tough. I wish there was a great gameplan for this ...
Oct 15th 2021
61
thank you. i think i'm immune now, tho. nm
Oct 22nd 2021
93
he texted me the next day:
Oct 15th 2021
68
sounds good, hopefully things continue in a positive direction.
Oct 16th 2021
69
hang in there man...nothin easy about your situation...
Oct 16th 2021
70
i will hit you up. thanks for that.
Oct 16th 2021
75
All the best to you, your son, and your family
Oct 16th 2021
73
plot twist. my wife ran into his birth sister yesterday at the store (bs...
Oct 20th 2021
78
Man - I don't know what to say.
Oct 20th 2021
79
what you've said is great, and helpful. thank you.
Oct 21st 2021
84
      so...
Oct 26th 2021
97
Man, sorry to hear that. Sounds like the young'n gonna learn the hard wa...
Oct 21st 2021
80
thanks.
Oct 21st 2021
85
The silver lining is his madness finally brought the two families
Oct 21st 2021
81
this is very true. my wife said it was a divine appointment that she
Oct 21st 2021
86
damn.. he sounds draining af
Oct 21st 2021
82
Sometimes people do get better
Oct 21st 2021
83
      thank you. i'm so conflicted and hurt and torn up right now.
Oct 21st 2021
87
      yup
Oct 21st 2021
88
           thank you. for that. all things are possible. and i'll continue praying
Oct 22nd 2021
91
hope things get better
Oct 21st 2021
89
thank you very much. n/m
Oct 22nd 2021
94
he called me yesterday (while i was writing reply #87).
Oct 22nd 2021
90
the cousin i just referenced in this reply just hit me up out the blue.
Oct 22nd 2021
92
      fam! ***hugs*** its crazy how similar our lives are, just kmow that your...
Oct 23rd 2021
95
      *hugs you back*.
Oct 23rd 2021
96
           My mother used to say "There's always somebody worse off than you."...
Oct 27th 2021
99
      the hell?!???!?!
Oct 27th 2021
100
I sometimes think if there's anything my kids could do
Oct 27th 2021
98
right? my kids are mad young but I grew up with older sisters
Oct 27th 2021
101
I'm not a parent, so take this with a grain of salt.
Oct 28th 2021
102
I used to feel the same way until I had kids
Oct 28th 2021
103
remember, we got 6. our oldest 2 had to launch and relaunch.
Oct 29th 2021
105
saw this reply the other day. couldn't answer then.
Oct 29th 2021
104
      You are peobably the most thoughtful poster on these boards
Oct 29th 2021
106
i did so many stupid things when i was young
Nov 10th 2021
108
thanks.
Nov 24th 2021
113
it's a long game
Nov 15th 2021
109
welp. won't be no disney ending and reconciliation before thanksgiving.
Nov 24th 2021
110
fast forward to last friday, he calls me out of the blue.
Nov 24th 2021
111
my wife and i hear from our oldest son (c2) today. he's heated. J1 calle...
Nov 24th 2021
112
      I feel and can relate to ALL of this shit, fam. Stay strong. n/m.
Nov 24th 2021
114
      enjoy the holidays fam
Nov 24th 2021
115
      stay up, man
Nov 24th 2021
116
           RE: replies 114, 115, 116, 109, and any others i didn't directly reply t...
Nov 25th 2021
117
                Thank You for sharing and for being vulnerable!!
Dec 01st 2021
122
Sheesh
Nov 30th 2021
120
Write the poem rn
Nov 26th 2021
118
RE: so i kicked my son out the house the other night. how y'all doin?
Nov 29th 2021
119
as someone with 3 younger brothers who've sold...
Dec 01st 2021
121

MEAT
Member since Feb 08th 2008
21376 posts
Thu Oct-14-21 01:15 PM

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1. "I got love for you homeboy. Stay up. "
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

------
“There is no fate that cannot be surmounted by scorn.” -Albert Camus

  

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poetx
Charter member
58560 posts
Thu Oct-14-21 02:11 PM

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12. "thanks. "
In response to Reply # 1


  

          


peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

  

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Walleye
Charter member
15222 posts
Thu Oct-14-21 01:17 PM

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2. "That sounds really tough"
In response to Reply # 0


          

I have nothing to add, except that you wouldn't be that tired if you hadn't already exhausted your other options. I felt worn out on your behalf. Sorry that your family has to go through this.

______________________________

"Walleye, a lot of things are going to go wrong in your life that technically aren't your fault. Always remember that this doesn't make you any less of an idiot"

--Walleye's Dad

  

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poetx
Charter member
58560 posts
Thu Oct-14-21 02:12 PM

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13. "thank you. y'all are my therapy. "
In response to Reply # 2


  

          

although i think we may need to go frfr.

>I have nothing to add, except that you wouldn't be that tired
>if you hadn't already exhausted your other options. I felt
>worn out on your behalf. Sorry that your family has to go
>through this.

this ain't the half. these last 9 years? man.


peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

  

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SsenepoD
Member since Nov 13th 2007
4301 posts
Wed Nov-10-21 04:00 PM

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107. "RE: thank you. y'all are my therapy. "
In response to Reply # 13


  

          

I think everyone CAN benefit from the RIGHT kind of therapy, so hopefully you & your fam find something that works for you.

It sounds like you're doing your best to have your son's back but at a point you realize he's now a grown man & has to stand on his own two.

23 is old enough to be held responsible for your actions, but also young enough that he has time to turn things around. Everyone's on their own schedule.

Sending love to you & your fam

___________________________
He has the confidence of Vernon Maxwell on a yayo binge.

http://www.2amDonuts.bandcamp.com

  

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Mafamaticks
Member since Jan 12th 2004
4452 posts
Thu Oct-14-21 01:21 PM

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3. "Bruh i feel you"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

my stepson got my baby mom's house raided. i don't know where he is but he can't stay at her house

  

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poetx
Charter member
58560 posts
Thu Oct-14-21 04:10 PM

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29. "this. too many ways he can get the rest of us hemmed up."
In response to Reply # 3


  

          

don't need no cops running up in my spot. don't need him burning bridges with a plug like he's done with every other personal relationship in his life. or a customer or rival following him home.

can't do it no more.

>my stepson got my baby mom's house raided. i don't know where
>he is but he can't stay at here. house
>
>

damn. that's messed up.


peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

  

Printer-friendly copy | Reply | Reply with quote | Top

        
Mafamaticks
Member since Jan 12th 2004
4452 posts
Fri Oct-15-21 09:00 AM

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58. "All facts"
In response to Reply # 29


  

          

raised the boy like he was my own since he was like 5. His mom and the rest of her side is from Rural VA. we live in Baltimore.

His mom caught him the house with baggies and shit like that and his mom sent him to live with his grandparents in rural VA before the pandemic. Moving way too fast to be in Baltimore doing that shit.

He promised he'd get his shit together. His mom let him come back up. And now her house got raided. Put my 12 yo daughter in handcuffs. Cops was mad disrespectful.

Same exact charges. The baggies and blunt guts and goofy shit like that is making them go for a felony charge. To shoot him some bail, he was trying to work up Amazon before all that shit happened. Shit is a wrap now cause it comes up on his record.

I don't have any answers either but if you need to vent you already know

  

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poetx
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58560 posts
Fri Oct-15-21 10:12 PM

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64. "damn that's too similar. "
In response to Reply # 58


  

          

>raised the boy like he was my own since he was like 5. His
>mom and the rest of her side is from Rural VA. we live in
>Baltimore.

city or county? (not like it make a diff these days. my wife from bmore. talking to her uncle on the phone shit sound like lebanon now). and it was always wild.


>
>His mom caught him the house with baggies and shit like that
>and his mom sent him to live with his grandparents in rural VA
>before the pandemic. Moving way too fast to be in Baltimore
>doing that shit.

right. and bmore NOT the place to be caught lacking, being a starter G, or halfway in halfway out. smh.

>
>He promised he'd get his shit together. His mom let him come
>back up. And now her house got raided. Put my 12 yo daughter
>in handcuffs. Cops was mad disrespectful.

i am so heated for you. it's not just the 'what happened', but the 'what could have happened'. and now your baby girl got real trauma.

big difference is that the cops in our situation were uncharacteristically nice. my son prolly threw on all the charm, and hit them w/ the hard yessir, no sir shit. he really got the benefit of the doubt. story could be different if he got the off the rack Black suspect treatment.

>
>Same exact charges. The baggies and blunt guts and goofy shit
>like that is making them go for a felony charge. To shoot him
>some bail, he was trying to work up Amazon before all that
>shit happened. Shit is a wrap now cause it comes up on his
>record.

my son got on at Amazon *after* his case. he had a public defender. the prosecutor wasn't too gung ho, and let him cop to a misdemeanor possession w/ intent even though the charge was a felony. (borderline, but still).

all that shit was on his record and amz took him anyway. your son may have a chance. however, my son messed it up and i'm pretty sure he's fired from there now. been trying to tell him walmart distribution center hiring. none of them warehouses too particular right now.

>
>I don't have any answers either but if you need to vent you
>already know

same same. i'm very sorry for your situation, and similarly hope and pray that it works out for the best for all parties. thanks for sharing that, b/c you didn't have to. but not on some misery loves company, but just on some real shit, it's comforting to know we not the only ones going through it.

one of my boys from home - best friend growing up, is a transit cop in nj. his first wife had a kid when they started seeing each other. then they had a son and daughter together. i don't know if he formally adopted the oldest boy, but he raised him as his own, even after they split.

his son by birth (namesake) is the one that ended up wilding out. worse than our respective kids have done. and on some multiple strike ish. his oldest son (not by birth) walked the straight and narrow.

nature, nurture, circumstance... at the end of the day, a whole lot comes down to individual choices made. any of my kids could have drawn this straw.

stay up!


peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

  

Printer-friendly copy | Reply | Reply with quote | Top

poetx
Charter member
58560 posts
Thu Oct-14-21 01:25 PM

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4. "he got arrested on easter at like 1am. i get a call from him like, 'i me..."
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

up'.

blahblahblah.

sergeant gets on, proceeds to tell me that my son got pulled b/c he was crossing center lines. speeding. they pull him over and the car is LOUD.

my son (jj1) got weed in the car. it's bagged. money. scales. all in the same damn bag.

cop: "looks like around 1.5 oz, which is felony possession w/ intent, based on the scales, it's bagged up, etc".

me: *sigh*

cop: he's very respectful and i could tell he wasn't raised up in this. the way he conducted himself, and everything. it's not usual for me to call a parent in this situation.

me: i really appreciate that. thank you very much. no, he definitely wasn't raised like this and we've been very clear that this isn't something he should ever be messing with.

cop: yeah. these rural counties, this is actually very dangerous. in the last couple of years, i been seeing more people getting shot and killed over weed than for coke or heroin or anything. it's crazy. i can also tell he's new to it because he had the weed and the money and the scales all in the same place. and no gun. and he lives in (our town) and he's all the way over here? dealers don't like people from out of town selling on their turf. that's a good way to get robbed or worse.

me: i can imagine.

he really caught the benefit of the doubt. yeah, i'm staunchly in favor of legalization, but there was absolutely no reason for my son to be out here selling, let alone playing like he about that life.

his case was continued a couple of times. came up in may. they hit him w/ a deal for 1 yr probation and drop to a misdemeanor. they didn't charge him with DUI, speeding, reckless endangerment or any of that. didn't pile on.

i told him it was a combination of general attitudes about weed, him being a first time offender, and looking out. but make no mistake, probation is dangerous. now EVERYthing you do can potentially get you hemmed up. and if you don't comply, it's possible that they can reinstate the F.

terms were pretty simple / standard. supervised probation, screening, and after completion of counseling, it would flip to unsupervised. should have been light work.



peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

  

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Nopayne
Member since Jan 03rd 2003
52411 posts
Thu Oct-14-21 01:36 PM

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5. "That's terrible, I'm sorry."
In response to Reply # 4


  

          

---
Love,
Nopayne

  

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poetx
Charter member
58560 posts
Thu Oct-14-21 09:06 PM

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45. "thanks. "
In response to Reply # 5


  

          


peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

  

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PimpTrickGangstaClik
Member since Oct 06th 2005
15506 posts
Thu Oct-14-21 01:38 PM

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6. "That's wild. Playing piss test games when facing a felony "
In response to Reply # 4


          

_______________________________________

  

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poetx
Charter member
58560 posts
Thu Oct-14-21 02:04 PM

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11. "this ( ) told us on monday he had already failed 3 tests, and felt like "
In response to Reply # 6


  

          

he would get locked up if he failed the 4th or 5th, but prolly the 4th.

this is when he was floating the idea of storing somebody's piss here and (really asking if WE would give him some. b/c the kid he normally gets it from, his parents said he was in TN for a couple weeks. wtf??)

he was like, i got a mtg w/ my po tomorrow, that's the only reason i'm asking y'all. i know it's a lot.

i said the time to do something about that was around 45 days ago. none of this shit is new.




peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

  

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poetx
Charter member
58560 posts
Thu Oct-14-21 01:55 PM

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9. "here's where the conflict come in. he had no intention, from jump, in "
In response to Reply # 4


  

          

complying.

i tried to talk through it w/ him. but he has undiagnosed mental health issues. won't seek or accept treatment. but more than that he is manipulative and never, ever, even to the point of absurdity, takes responsibilities for his own actions. (hence the incredulity, like, you're mad that i put somebody else's piss in the fridge and the microwave??)

he's adopted (my youngest three are, including my middle daughter, who is his biological sister (same mom as him, who is bi-polar and been in and out of jail for life) and my youngest daughter.

he been wilding out, more or less, since he turned 18. we felt like he felt some kind of way about being the first of our adopted kids (we never treated them different, we've cut off friends and even family who wouldn't do the same) out of the gate. so we felt like he was testing our love.

he had the ability to play ball in college, but not the heart and not the mental. i coached him for years and tried to help him get to where he wanted to be. aau. on his homeschool team, etc. took him to camps. he'd find a way to come up small when it mattered, and then spin a story after the fact. last straw with me on the hoop dreams was when we were talking about him going somewhere to walk on. he made it clear he had zero interest in doing school. i'm like, i been telling you since 8th grade that you needed to maximize all that ish if you wanted to hoop in college -- on court, but also full qualifying SATs, etc.

he countered by saying he cheated throughout all of h.s. (we homeschooled him since 4th grade). what he would have had to do to cheat was more work than doing the work. that was fucked up and hurtful to me and especially my wife. (imagine teaching 5 kids, 5 different lesson plans, tailored curricula and methods to their learning styles, etc).

so i was like, i ain't paying for you to go D3 (private school) for 10k a year for you to not go to class and fuck up my money. very simple. he went a different route, starting a business, doing sports training. cool. we supported him in that. helped him get business cards, my oldest daughter did the logo... we supported him in his camps, sent him leads, all that.

my oldest three went to college. so we were like, okay, if you don't go to college, we'll support you in this hustle... he reclassed so he didn't graduate high school till 19, so it's been about 3 and a half years of this.

he got approved (somehow) for a fairly new car. high payment. we told him not to do that, b/c he wasn't working in a way where he had regular, high income. but he know best. he had had too many accidents (between his former gf's car and his car) to the point where we were like, you definitely not going on our insurance.

... anyway, fast forward. after getting arrested he said he smokes weed every day. (we knew he smoked. not that much. but he also would be very sporadic, and come home every couple of days or so). preferred working 3rd shift. so always polarized on times.

complicated last year b/c out of the whole fam, he the only one that would not get vaccinated. i told him he needed to not be around. and he needed to mask up. tried logic. reason. he been on that conspiracy shit. and scared of needles. but always threatening suicide, coincidentally after we are having a conversation about him being responsible and doing adult shit.

i've given him phone numbers for therapists and all kindsa shit. always excuses for why he won't call, be seen. you're an adult in the eyes of the law. i can't do for you what you won't do for yourself.

anyway, he exhibits signs of bipolar. like damn near all. after he got arrested i talked w/ him and was saying i wasn't judging him for smoking. shit, my dad smoked up until he died at 72.

but when i looked into it more, it seems the scientific consensus is that weed is *really* bad for someone who is bipolar, and can lead to psychosis.

i explained that back in april and may.

at the very least, you got to chill for at least a few months until you get off of probabation.

he's like, i ain't stopping. i told him if he didn't comply w/ the parole terms he was out. i do NOT like cops at all. and they can come in the crib at any damn time b/c of shit that he did? that's already a whole lot. and my other son, who graduated college last summer (and still looking for a job job) don't need some cop mistaking him for his knucklehead brother. very first time the PO came to the crib he was asking for somebody by a completely different name. whole nother Black guy. except the one he mistakenly was looking for had weapons charges. wtf.




peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

  

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FLUIDJ
Member since Sep 18th 2002
43974 posts
Thu Oct-14-21 02:13 PM

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14. "*counts on fingers* YOU GOT 6 KIDS YO!?!?!!! HOW do you even "
In response to Reply # 9
Thu Oct-14-21 02:13 PM by FLUIDJ

  

          

find time/energy to post and contribute to these boards the way you have in the past upteen years yo???
props and stay up.



"Get ready....for your blessing....."
"Bury me by my Grand-Grand and when you can come follow me"

  

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MEAT
Member since Feb 08th 2008
21376 posts
Thu Oct-14-21 02:42 PM

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16. "He’s a real life super hero"
In response to Reply # 14


  

          

------
“There is no fate that cannot be surmounted by scorn.” -Albert Camus

  

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Dstl1
Charter member
52281 posts
Thu Oct-14-21 02:57 PM

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18. "for real, for real"
In response to Reply # 16


          

.

when I threw the rifle in the river,
it looked like Bol Bol was diving in the river - Action Bronson

  

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poetx
Charter member
58560 posts
Thu Oct-14-21 03:33 PM

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23. "i don't / didn't sleep. assistant coached my oldest son in fb when he "
In response to Reply # 14


  

          

was in middle school.

we pulled him halfway through his 8th grade year to homeschool (my oldest daughter finished through public school - she constantly tells us we did the right thing. her peers were getting tased for throwing paper at lunch, and charged with assault for throwing a crayon at a wastebasket that ricocheted off the can and hit the teacher).

but i did a LOT at work (avg 60 hrs. periodically having to fly out on projects). was one of the top technical people in xxx. top in my field in the world for what i did.

- asst coached my son in homeschool bb from 9-12th (white (mostly) league. shady coach. did my best to stay close and involved).
- head coached my middle son in football 8th grade, 11th, 12th grade years
- asst coached my youngest son in bball from 6th - 12th (last two years was w/ an even shadier coach).
- asst coached on 2 of the 4 aau teams he was on
- head coached my middle daughter from 7th grade up through varsity (she was playing varsity from 8th grade)
- asst coached her on a top 32 aau team for 7th-8th, and 8th-9th graders when she was on that circuit
- head coached my youngest daughter, who could have been the best of all of them. but she just loved to play. never had / voiced aspirations to take it anywhere.

- got screwed / pushed out / coup d'etat ed out of coaching for the organization i helped build. last three years i've traveled around 40 min to another city so my youngest could finish out her career there.
- she reclassed to finish up in a non-plague year. graduated h.s. this year.
- she's helping me now coach girls there. 3 or 4 of whom have been there for 3 yrs. most of whom had never touched a ball before. it's fun though.

i gave up writing my monthly newspaper column around 2008. i think i had one last piece in '09. politics was getting too stupid and moving in directions we see currently.

doing my director's job at work. literally. nobody even asks him for anything. leading numerous technical PoCs on the side. wrote a letter to the ceo after the george floyd killing last year that helped spark a whole thing in the company. leading a DE&I group for my SVPs area.

sometimes i need to write it down b/c i forget how much is on my plate.

my oldest son had a business venture / app that could have been really big. he was messing w/ some investors in greenville, nc. they were promising us all kinds of backing, but kept incrementally putting hoops in front of us. we (mostly my son, but i helped a lot) provided over 700 pages of documentation of technical and monetization plans... after a year of jerking us around they went ghost.

in the meantime we had a couple of investors, including my now deceased pop for 30k. a few private investors for around 10k. and were completely stranded 30k from the next checkpoint. but in the meantime my son's partner's mother died (right before he graduated college -- i had to stay on him to get him to finish, and then to get a job in comp sci).

upside to that is he's my son-in-law now.

but yeah. i'm never not busy.


peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

  

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Beamer6178
Member since Jan 09th 2006
6084 posts
Thu Oct-14-21 07:26 PM

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40. "poured myself a drink on this one....."
In response to Reply # 9


  

          

joking...only because i have to transport a senior citizen somewhere. but man damn.

>complying.
>
>i tried to talk through it w/ him. but he has undiagnosed
>mental health issues. won't seek or accept treatment. but more
>than that he is manipulative and never, ever, even to the
>point of absurdity, takes responsibilities for his own
>actions. (hence the incredulity, like, you're mad that i put
>somebody else's piss in the fridge and the microwave??)
>
>he's adopted (my youngest three are, including my middle
>daughter, who is his biological sister (same mom as him, who
>is bi-polar and been in and out of jail for life) and my
>youngest daughter.
>
>he been wilding out, more or less, since he turned 18. we felt
>like he felt some kind of way about being the first of our
>adopted kids (we never treated them different, we've cut off
>friends and even family who wouldn't do the same) out of the
>gate. so we felt like he was testing our love.
>
>he had the ability to play ball in college, but not the heart
>and not the mental. i coached him for years and tried to help
>him get to where he wanted to be. aau. on his homeschool team,
>etc. took him to camps. he'd find a way to come up small when
>it mattered, and then spin a story after the fact. last straw
>with me on the hoop dreams was when we were talking about him
>going somewhere to walk on. he made it clear he had zero
>interest in doing school. i'm like, i been telling you since
>8th grade that you needed to maximize all that ish if you
>wanted to hoop in college -- on court, but also full
>qualifying SATs, etc.
>
>he countered by saying he cheated throughout all of h.s. (we
>homeschooled him since 4th grade). what he would have had to
>do to cheat was more work than doing the work. that was fucked
>up and hurtful to me and especially my wife. (imagine teaching
>5 kids, 5 different lesson plans, tailored curricula and
>methods to their learning styles, etc).
>
>so i was like, i ain't paying for you to go D3 (private
>school) for 10k a year for you to not go to class and fuck up
>my money. very simple. he went a different route, starting a
>business, doing sports training. cool. we supported him in
>that. helped him get business cards, my oldest daughter did
>the logo... we supported him in his camps, sent him leads, all
>that.
>
>my oldest three went to college. so we were like, okay, if you
>don't go to college, we'll support you in this hustle... he
>reclassed so he didn't graduate high school till 19, so it's
>been about 3 and a half years of this.
>
>he got approved (somehow) for a fairly new car. high payment.
>we told him not to do that, b/c he wasn't working in a way
>where he had regular, high income. but he know best. he had
>had too many accidents (between his former gf's car and his
>car) to the point where we were like, you definitely not going
>on our insurance.
>
>... anyway, fast forward. after getting arrested he said he
>smokes weed every day. (we knew he smoked. not that much. but
>he also would be very sporadic, and come home every couple of
>days or so). preferred working 3rd shift. so always polarized
>on times.
>
>complicated last year b/c out of the whole fam, he the only
>one that would not get vaccinated. i told him he needed to not
>be around. and he needed to mask up. tried logic. reason. he
>been on that conspiracy shit. and scared of needles. but
>always threatening suicide, coincidentally after we are having
>a conversation about him being responsible and doing adult
>shit.
>
>i've given him phone numbers for therapists and all kindsa
>shit. always excuses for why he won't call, be seen. you're an
>adult in the eyes of the law. i can't do for you what you
>won't do for yourself.
>
>anyway, he exhibits signs of bipolar. like damn near all.
>after he got arrested i talked w/ him and was saying i wasn't
>judging him for smoking. shit, my dad smoked up until he died
>at 72.
>
>but when i looked into it more, it seems the scientific
>consensus is that weed is *really* bad for someone who is
>bipolar, and can lead to psychosis.
>
>i explained that back in april and may.
>
>at the very least, you got to chill for at least a few months
>until you get off of probabation.
>
>he's like, i ain't stopping. i told him if he didn't comply w/
>the parole terms he was out. i do NOT like cops at all. and
>they can come in the crib at any damn time b/c of shit that he
>did? that's already a whole lot. and my other son, who
>graduated college last summer (and still looking for a job
>job) don't need some cop mistaking him for his knucklehead
>brother. very first time the PO came to the crib he was asking
>for somebody by a completely different name. whole nother
>Black guy. except the one he mistakenly was looking for had
>weapons charges. wtf.
>
>
>
>
>peace & blessings,
>
>x.
>
>www.twitter.com/poetx
>
>=========================================
>I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
>focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
>
>not having much to show for it. (c) mad

  

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obsidianchrysalis
Member since Jan 29th 2003
7980 posts
Thu Oct-14-21 08:59 PM

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44. "My heart goes out to you and your family."
In response to Reply # 9


  

          

I can't imagine it's easy as a parent to hold love and respect for your children and have them repeatedly devalue that gift.

I can definitely attest to the harms of weed (and other substances) and mental health disorders.

I have a mental health condition, and I used weed as a way to self-medicate around the time of my onset in my early 20's. I don't think weed before your brain is fully formed is a good idea. And certainly not for someone who has a diagnosable brain condition like bipolar disorder.

It did give me a case of psychosis and paranoia, and anxiety. Granted, I was deeply depressed, and the substances were a lifeline. But I wish I had gotten professional treatment at that time rather than try to handle things on my own.

His decisions aren't sound because he's in distress because of his brain chemistry. Unfortunately, many people, like myself, only begin treatment because things really get out of hand. I hope and pray your son discovers something or someone that motivates him to get the help he needs before that point.

He seems like a young man with a lot of potential, and it would be sad to know that he isn't able to realize it.

I know it couldn't have been an easy decision to ask him to leave, but you did the right thing. Our actions have consequences, even when we aren't well. I hope he decides to see he has more to live for.

<--- Me when my head hits the pillow

  

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poetx
Charter member
58560 posts
Thu Oct-14-21 11:21 PM

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55. "thank you. "
In response to Reply # 44


  

          

>I can't imagine it's easy as a parent to hold love and
>respect for your children and have them repeatedly devalue
>that gift.

that's a really good way to phrase it.

>
>I can definitely attest to the harms of weed (and other
>substances) and mental health disorders.
>
>I have a mental health condition, and I used weed as a way to
>self-medicate around the time of my onset in my early 20's. I
>don't think weed before your brain is fully formed is a good
>idea. And certainly not for someone who has a diagnosable
>brain condition like bipolar disorder.

thank you so much for sharing that with me. the thing is, i have no doubt that he has mental illness of some sort. it also really seems like he has some really serious character issues underneath of it.

did your condition change your character? how you related to people?

he has always been pretty genial and affable. he's a charmer. but he's also hella manipulative and i don't know if how his relationships end up are due to inevitable sabotage, or, in many cases, they were always transactional to be mined for value and then discarded, which would be sociopathic.

>
>It did give me a case of psychosis and paranoia, and anxiety.
>Granted, I was deeply depressed, and the substances were a
>lifeline. But I wish I had gotten professional treatment at
>that time rather than try to handle things on my own.

i'm so glad you eventually did and pray that things continue to work out well for you.


>His decisions aren't sound because he's in distress because of
>his brain chemistry. Unfortunately, many people, like myself,
>only begin treatment because things really get out of hand. I
>hope and pray your son discovers something or someone that
>motivates him to get the help he needs before that point.

right. and we know it's not just a matter of hoping with him. he needs real help. and probably medication. and we know that we can't diagnose him as bipolar. but from reading a lot of resources we can definitely say he acts bipolar-ISH. we've definitely seen the manic episodes, w/ the wide eyes and fast talk and grandiose ideas (often fantastical or divorced from logic). also seen the down periods. reading about the impact of weed on that is actually scary.

>He seems like a young man with a lot of potential, and it
>would be sad to know that he isn't able to realize it.

he actually does have a lot of potential. we're proud of what he's accomplished and have tried to give him every opportunity to succeed. but he is spiraling now. i just pray it's not a death spiral.

>
>I know it couldn't have been an easy decision to ask him to
>leave, but you did the right thing. Our actions have
>consequences, even when we aren't well. I hope he decides to
>see he has more to live for.

when he left the house he said, 'but dad, i'm mentally ill', like it's a get out of jail free card.

i said, 'yeah. i told you that. but have you taken *any* steps to get help? no.' (he missed a court ordered therapy appointment a couple weeks ago. last week was the make up. he said he went, but i can't trust him because he lies about easily verifiable things).

he said, "i'm in therapy for the first time in my life". but he also said he's still working at amazon, when he was on probation a month ago, and said he had used up all of his pto, and has been for the last two weeks, out and about during the times when he's supposed to be at work.

even then as i was telling him he had to go and he was playing the victim (about the cheated test and piss in our refrigerator) "i had to do something, the test was tomorrow", and i replied that the time to do something was 4-5 weeks ago. he said, i'm not gonna stop smoking.

during this time i didn't do a lot of tit for tat, b/c he doesn't really have logic on a good day. but i said, we told you clearly that your condition for staying here was complying with the terms of your probation, which included not smoking, not selling, and not associating w/ criminals.

"that ain't gonna happen".

me: "then, you'll have to learn that your actions or inactions have consequences"

him: i love you guys and i thought things were going okay. *walking away* i really hope if something happens to me you can live with yourselves".

i had told him a few min earlier in response to a similar suicide threat that he could go somewhere.

him: "oh no. you know how i feel like that. i ain't going to the hospital."

he repeats "i hope y'all can live with yourselves if something happens to me"

me: "actually, yes. yes i can. because we have done everything we possibly can do to help you. if you won't accept our help and won't accept help from anyone else, and the threat of jail can't make you do what you need to do? yes. i'll be at peace with my decision. because me letting you stay here and self-destruct in slow motion is going to lead to the same place".

and then i went back in and closed the door as he walked to his car.

i will be gutted if anything does happen to him. but for the first time in a while i'm at peace with it. we've been mourning him for over a year.


peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

  

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obsidianchrysalis
Member since Jan 29th 2003
7980 posts
Fri Oct-15-21 05:01 PM

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63. "RE: thank you. "
In response to Reply # 55


  

          

>>I can definitely attest to the harms of weed (and other
>>substances) and mental health disorders.
>>
>>I have a mental health condition, and I used weed as a way
>to
>>self-medicate around the time of my onset in my early 20's.
>I
>>don't think weed before your brain is fully formed is a good
>>idea. And certainly not for someone who has a diagnosable
>>brain condition like bipolar disorder.
>
>thank you so much for sharing that with me. the thing is, i
>have no doubt that he has mental illness of some sort. it also
>really seems like he has some really serious character issues
>underneath of it.
>
>did your condition change your character? how you related to
>people?
>
>he has always been pretty genial and affable. he's a charmer.
>but he's also hella manipulative and i don't know if how his
>relationships end up are due to inevitable sabotage, or, in
>many cases, they were always transactional to be mined for
>value and then discarded, which would be sociopathic.
>


The bipolar aspect of my condition caused me to act recklessly. I moved halfway across the country without giving it much thought. I took a trip abroad and once held drugs on my person while traveling on trains.

For some people that might not scream out as a problem. But I was really straight-laced before my illness took hold. Before my illness really took hold, I was very quiet and kept to myself. I didn't drink much and if I did I was really responsible. I didn't smoke either. So, the manic part of my illness did change me quite a bit.

The people I started to associate with changed too. My friends went from being on the nerdy side, like me, to people holding small amounts of hard drugs and partying pretty hard. I also became really irresponsible at work. I was working in Oakland at the time and I ended up losing my job because I couldn't hold things together. And while I am responsible for my decisions, I know my mental health was a big factor in why my choices led to bad outcomes.

So, I say that to say that your son's character issues may be largely caused by the effects of his mental health condition and the use of substances.

Thankfully, once I really committed to getting treatment the reckless behavior stopped soon after.

>>His decisions aren't sound because he's in distress because
>of
>>his brain chemistry. Unfortunately, many people, like
>myself,
>>only begin treatment because things really get out of hand.
>I
>>hope and pray your son discovers something or someone that
>>motivates him to get the help he needs before that point.
>
>right. and we know it's not just a matter of hoping with him.
>he needs real help. and probably medication. and we know that
>we can't diagnose him as bipolar. but from reading a lot of
>resources we can definitely say he acts bipolar-ISH. we've
>definitely seen the manic episodes, w/ the wide eyes and fast
>talk and grandiose ideas (often fantastical or divorced from
>logic). also seen the down periods. reading about the impact
>of weed on that is actually scary.
>

Yeah, those are classic symptoms of bipolar disorder. I've had 'hypomanic' episodes which are similar to manic episodes but not quite as intense. The reason those are hard to treat is that they feel euphoric. It's hard to accept that in order to be healthy you have to separate from that.

With medication and therapy, managing the symptoms becomes easier. In some cases, the condition goes into remission.

I know from my own case that unaddressed trauma was the real source of my illness. And it's hard, I think even moreso for men, to admit they've been traumatized by something or someone. That difficulty may be why your son is struggling to accept the weight of his condition because facing it would be very painful.

Whether your son's trauma was physical and violent or just the emotional pain of being separated from his birth mother it must be tremendously painful to be trapped by it since the trauma began.

I have a friend who has bipolar disorder and she was hospitalized around the same age as your son.

At first, she didn't want to take her meds. Her mother showed some tough love and basically said she wasn't coming home unless she took the meds. My friend held it against her mom at the time, but she did start treatment. She now respects the decision her mom made, because it helped her in the long run.

In many cases, including mine, it takes life turning for the worse to wake up to the potential for long-lasting harm avoiding the illness causes. But all I would recommend is being there for him when he comes to his senses. As you know, you can't open his eyes for him. But be equal measures firm and compassionate.

Also, I don't know if you've heard of the organization NAMI, but they offer classes and peer support for families of those with mental health conditions. The groups are free and don't require membership.

They have chapters around the country in most regions. In my area, the meetings are virtual. So you wouldn't necessarily have to carve out time to travel. You and your wife seem to have done some research, but the parents and family involved with the group could give you advice from first-hand experience.

Hope this helps.

<--- Me when my head hits the pillow

  

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poetx
Charter member
58560 posts
Sat Oct-16-21 10:10 PM

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74. "this is very helpful, and makes me hopeful. "
In response to Reply # 63


  

          


>>did your condition change your character? how you related to
>>people?
>>
>>he has always been pretty genial and affable. he's a
>charmer.
>>but he's also hella manipulative and i don't know if how his
>>relationships end up are due to inevitable sabotage, or, in
>>many cases, they were always transactional to be mined for
>>value and then discarded, which would be sociopathic.
>
>The bipolar aspect of my condition caused me to act
>recklessly. I moved halfway across the country without giving
>it much thought. I took a trip abroad and once held drugs on
>my person while traveling on trains.
>
>For some people that might not scream out as a problem. But I
>was really straight-laced before my illness took hold. Before
>my illness really took hold, I was very quiet and kept to
>myself. I didn't drink much and if I did I was really
>responsible. I didn't smoke either. So, the manic part of my
>illness did change me quite a bit.

so, essentially you took risks and made choices that were very much outside of your character prior to the onset of your illness.

>The people I started to associate with changed too. My friends
>went from being on the nerdy side, like me, to people holding
>small amounts of hard drugs and partying pretty hard. I also
>became really irresponsible at work. I was working in Oakland
>at the time and I ended up losing my job because I couldn't
>hold things together. And while I am responsible for my
>decisions, I know my mental health was a big factor in why my
>choices led to bad outcomes.
>
>So, I say that to say that your son's character issues may be
>largely caused by the effects of his mental health condition
>and the use of substances.

i am so sorry for what you went through, and i can't thank you enough for sharing your experiences with me. i pray that they will be helpful to me or someone else reading.

...

>>he needs real help. and probably medication. and we know
>that
>>we can't diagnose him as bipolar. but from reading a lot of
>>resources we can definitely say he acts bipolar-ISH. we've
>>definitely seen the manic episodes, w/ the wide eyes and
>fast
>>talk and grandiose ideas (often fantastical or divorced from
>>logic). also seen the down periods. reading about the impact
>>of weed on that is actually scary.
>>
>
>Yeah, those are classic symptoms of bipolar disorder. I've had
>'hypomanic' episodes which are similar to manic episodes but
>not quite as intense. The reason those are hard to treat is
>that they feel euphoric. It's hard to accept that in order to
>be healthy you have to separate from that.
>
>With medication and therapy, managing the symptoms becomes
>easier. In some cases, the condition goes into remission.
>
>I know from my own case that unaddressed trauma was the real
>source of my illness. And it's hard, I think even moreso for
>men, to admit they've been traumatized by something or
>someone. That difficulty may be why your son is struggling to
>accept the weight of his condition because facing it would be
>very painful.
>
>Whether your son's trauma was physical and violent or just the
>emotional pain of being separated from his birth mother it
>must be tremendously painful to be trapped by it since the
>trauma began.

he definitely has unaddressed and even unexamined trauma. he's not aware of all of the circumstances of his coming into care. whenever we have discussions that get too deep, he shuts it down.

in addition to bouncing around w/ other relatives, he was with his mom when they were homeless, in and out of shelters. (how social services allowed this while playing 'Watcher' is beyond me).

when he was with his mom, he was neglected when she was in a down period, or using. so he had to feed himself (cereal or whatever he could find, if he could find it, per the social workers).

>I have a friend who has bipolar disorder and she was
>hospitalized around the same age as your son.
>
>At first, she didn't want to take her meds. Her mother showed
>some tough love and basically said she wasn't coming home
>unless she took the meds. My friend held it against her mom at
>the time, but she did start treatment. She now respects the
>decision her mom made, because it helped her in the long run.
>
>In many cases, including mine, it takes life turning for the
>worse to wake up to the potential for long-lasting harm
>avoiding the illness causes. But all I would recommend is
>being there for him when he comes to his senses. As you know,
>you can't open his eyes for him. But be equal measures firm
>and compassionate.

i hope so. if we went along with how he wanted to play it there would be no hitting bottom unless it's prison or the streets. had to play that hand at that point.

>
>Also, I don't know if you've heard of the organization NAMI,
>but they offer classes and peer support for families of those
>with mental health conditions. The groups are free and don't
>require membership.
>
>They have chapters around the country in most regions. In my
>area, the meetings are virtual. So you wouldn't necessarily
>have to carve out time to travel. You and your wife seem to
>have done some research, but the parents and family involved
>with the group could give you advice from first-hand
>experience.
>
>Hope this helps.
>

i'm writing that all down and will look into it. again, thanks again, so much.

peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

  

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Brew
Member since Nov 23rd 2002
21614 posts
Thu Oct-14-21 02:31 PM

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15. "Damn man. Sorry for all this."
In response to Reply # 4
Thu Oct-14-21 02:31 PM by Brew

          

But thankful your son got a (rare) decent cop, for everyone's sake.

----------------------------------------

"Fuck aliens." © WarriorPoet415

  

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poetx
Charter member
58560 posts
Thu Oct-14-21 04:14 PM

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30. "thank you."
In response to Reply # 15


  

          

>But thankful your son got a (rare) decent cop, for everyone's
>sake.

we really are and expressed as much.

1am call from a rural county cop? my heart, yo.

could have been so much worse in myriad ways.


peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

  

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Original Juice
Member since Oct 03rd 2007
2405 posts
Thu Oct-14-21 01:45 PM

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7. "I totally feel you and not mad at you at all."
In response to Reply # 0


          

The struggle is real.

We have been going through similar times with my stepdaughter (almost 20) for many years now.

Good for you for setting that firm boundary. Stay strong.

  

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poetx
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Thu Oct-14-21 04:22 PM

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32. "thank you. praying for y'all too."
In response to Reply # 7


  

          

>The struggle is real.
>
>We have been going through similar times with my stepdaughter
>(almost 20) for many years now.
>
>Good for you for setting that firm boundary. Stay strong.

same. thanks. it wasn't even that high of a bar. ain't gonna be no weed or freedom in prison. you can't / won't detox for a couple months, you bout to make somebody do it for you.

if you can't do that math and won't accept help, ain't nothin left but jail or death.

it's gotten to the point where I'm not helping. I'm just delaying consequences.


peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

  

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Cold Truth
Member since Jan 28th 2004
42528 posts
Thu Oct-14-21 01:49 PM

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8. "Damn. I hate to hear all of this. Stay up"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

  

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poetx
Charter member
58560 posts
Thu Oct-14-21 09:08 PM

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46. "thanks so much. "
In response to Reply # 8


  

          


peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

  

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atruhead
Charter member
85197 posts
Thu Oct-14-21 02:00 PM

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10. "Im not a parent so I cant say what I would do"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

outside looking in, Reply 4 is more alarming than a weed addiction (?)

23 is young enough to get it together, but he will need a support system even if he isnt living under your roof

  

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poetx
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Thu Oct-14-21 03:51 PM

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27. "i've told him multiple times, throughout life, about realness. the fact ..."
In response to Reply # 10


  

          

stakes are automatically higher for him b/c of how he looks.

i even explained, that even w/ *my* feelings toward cops, that was the most nicest possible arrest a young black man with dreads in a newish car with clouds of weed smoke and sales paraphernalia could possibly hope to get. i could not imagine that going any more leniently.

and his attitude is basically, 'so?'.

>outside looking in, Reply 4 is more alarming than a weed
>addiction (?)
>
>23 is young enough to get it together, but he will need a
>support system even if he isnt living under your roof

forever, he flocks to drama. most tangentially related drama, he tries to find a way to run toward that shit. he is actively turning down voluntary and mandatory support structures offered by us, who love him and want what's good for him, and the system, which generally could gaf about him, but has been a lot more understanding than they could have. he refuses both.

so after 5 mos of him officially on probation. if he's like, prison ain't enough of a threat for him to do right? ain't no words or actions from me short of having committed gonna do anything. and if i wait for him to truly be in crisis and call for help, that is pretty much a surefire way to get him killed.

ultimately i can't do no more for him than he's willing to do for himself, or allow to be done on his behalf.


peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

  

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legsdiamond
Member since May 05th 2011
71593 posts
Fri Oct-15-21 03:18 PM

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62. "I thought he was white based on the cop being nice"
In response to Reply # 27


          

and the ex gf story about goons.

good luck fam

****************
TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*

  

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poetx
Charter member
58560 posts
Sat Oct-16-21 09:32 PM

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72. "nope. we all black. nm"
In response to Reply # 62


  

          


peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

  

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double negative
Member since Dec 14th 2007
22051 posts
Thu Oct-14-21 02:51 PM

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17. "I am really mad for you. "
In response to Reply # 0
Thu Oct-14-21 02:53 PM by double negative

  

          

I have a cousin whos similar. The entire family has been burned by him. He is always crying out because he swears he's drowning but then when you throw him a life preserver he cuts it in half and goes back to splashing his arms and screaming that he's drowning.

he complained that he didn't feel safe at home with his dad and brothers and that he wanted to move out. So I started to talk him through planning a budget to find an apartment and what to know for getting a place...but then he just shut down and told me I "don't get it".

I worked like hell to find him a therapist...a sliding scale therapist and I told the office to just bill my card each month. My cousin agreed to go but then he started to lie for a looooooong time, but the office kept charging me.

He complained that he doesn't have the means to get a job so I bought him a laptop (chill, it was a Chromebook) so he could put a resume together. I scheduled time with him to help him do it.

In the end he didnt do shit and ultimately flipped on me. Before I started helping him, he would always talk about his sob story and how the world was unfair...and the truth was, he did start out deeply disadvantaged. He'd be telling me about how fucked up people are to him and I would be sitting there thinking "My god, the world is SO unfair to black men....we need to be there for each other"

Once I figure out what time it was, I backed off and now this motherfucker talks about me the same way...even to my own mom who had to check him because she knows how much grief I experienced trying to help.

When his moms died, his rent free home went bye bye, so the family came together and a rich family friend stepped in to host him...RENT FREE in a furnished room in the nicest part of the city. The only rule was, just be cool about shit. This kid could not even play by her most basic of rules. He burned that bridge in the most dramatic way possible. He wrote a shitty letter, called her evil, and destroyed the nice room he was allowed to live in.


It's one thing to be a mess, we're all little messes. However, it's a whole other bag of dicks to be a mess in the face of family trying to support.

***********************************************************
https://soundcloud.com/swageyph/yph-die-with-me

  

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legsdiamond
Member since May 05th 2011
71593 posts
Thu Oct-14-21 03:43 PM

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24. "I have a cousin I haven’t seen in years"
In response to Reply # 17


          

same age, we were close as hell.

Something happened and he just went left.

He showed up at my dorm room and tried to stay for the semester. Nah b… you aren’t getting me kicked out of college.

Every family member kicked him out. He still lives close to where we grew up but he didn’t even show up for his sisters funeral.

and he is now on disability and on tons of meds. At first we thought it was a hustle but I think he is really off.

Its been like 20 years since I have seen him.

and I’m not even sure I want to see him because I think the person I knew is gone.

Poetx sounds like he is dealing with a son who needs a ridiculous amount of attention whether positive or negative.

****************
TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*

  

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sosumi
Member since May 30th 2012
840 posts
Thu Oct-14-21 06:23 PM

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38. "reminds me of myself until I got my own place"
In response to Reply # 17


  

          

and stable job...

I wanted help but also freedom, no rules, no obligations

I did not disrespect anyone's property but there was always an "earn your keep" vibe I could not live up to...

it was hard to trust folks who wanted to help because they also wanted to take credit for the help in a way that made them feel good and me feel obligated to praise them or be gossiped about

I did not have a car and was grateful for rides to places, but after a while, I just felt like a burden...

this was the 90s though, and in current times I just think about all the things I could have done with a smartphone, laptop, and uber, though technology does not solve emotional issues

  

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legsdiamond
Member since May 05th 2011
71593 posts
Thu Oct-14-21 03:07 PM

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19. "damn.. already failed 3 test and still smoking?"
In response to Reply # 0


          

reminds me of my nephew.

He was into credit cards and kept getting caught.. like, “dude you are not good at this. Just stop!”

Only thing that worked was fed time.



****************
TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*

  

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poetx
Charter member
58560 posts
Thu Oct-14-21 03:09 PM

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20. "from 2012 to 2016, my life: "
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

- my mother-in-law died of cancer (super acrimonious. she wouldn't allow my wife to tell her mother until afterward, so my wife had to break the news to her grandmother that her daughter was sick and held it from her)
-- my brother-in-law wilded out at the time of the funeral, ransacked his mother's apartment.
- my grandmother (nana) died of cancer
- my wife's grandmother died (natural causes?)
2015
- my father has a stroke, a week after easter
- my father dies (aug)
- my sister loses her mf mind during that entire period
2016
- i'm laid off after 24.5 years as a top performer at xxx (1 month of severance)
- i burn through my entire 401k keeping things afloat for a year and a half, and trying to start my own business
2017 - i get hired at my current job.

we're still catching our breath from all that.

on the good side, despite the pandemic, in 2020
- oldest son gets married, we get a daughter-in-law and our first grandson
- middle son graduates from college
- oldest daughter gets married

*exhales slowly*


peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

  

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ThaTruth
Charter member
94805 posts
Thu Oct-14-21 04:42 PM

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34. "fam, that's a lot..."
In response to Reply # 20


          

>- my mother-in-law died of cancer (super acrimonious. she
>wouldn't allow my wife to tell her mother until afterward, so
>my wife had to break the news to her grandmother that her
>daughter was sick and held it from her)
>-- my brother-in-law wilded out at the time of the funeral,
>ransacked his mother's apartment.
>- my grandmother (nana) died of cancer
>- my wife's grandmother died (natural causes?)
>2015
>- my father has a stroke, a week after easter
>- my father dies (aug)
>- my sister loses her mf mind during that entire period
>2016
>- i'm laid off after 24.5 years as a top performer at xxx (1
>month of severance)
>- i burn through my entire 401k keeping things afloat for a
>year and a half, and trying to start my own business
>2017 - i get hired at my current job.
>
>we're still catching our breath from all that.
>
>on the good side, despite the pandemic, in 2020
>- oldest son gets married, we get a daughter-in-law and our
>first grandson
>- middle son graduates from college
>- oldest daughter gets married
>
>*exhales slowly*
>
>
>peace & blessings,
>
>x.
>
>www.twitter.com/poetx
>
>=========================================

I had typed out a lot of personal shit then I realized I'm not as brave as you.

I try to focus on the positive.

As far as your youngest son after dealing with family members in similar situations I've learned that sometimes you have to learn to love people from a distance.

________________________________________
"Stay out the dark, cause if I catch you when the sun is down..."
https://youtu.be/eaaTxVRG06c?t=89

  

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poetx
Charter member
58560 posts
Fri Oct-15-21 10:21 PM

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65. "yeah. it is. sometimes i dunno. "
In response to Reply # 34


  

          

>>- my mother-in-law died of cancer (super acrimonious. she
>>wouldn't allow my wife to tell her mother until afterward,
>so
>>my wife had to break the news to her grandmother that her
>>daughter was sick and held it from her)
>>-- my brother-in-law wilded out at the time of the funeral,
>>ransacked his mother's apartment.
>>- my grandmother (nana) died of cancer
>>- my wife's grandmother died (natural causes?)
>>2015
>>- my father has a stroke, a week after easter
>>- my father dies (aug)
>>- my sister loses her mf mind during that entire period
>>2016
>>- i'm laid off after 24.5 years as a top performer at xxx (1
>>month of severance)
>>- i burn through my entire 401k keeping things afloat for a
>>year and a half, and trying to start my own business
>>2017 - i get hired at my current job.
>>
>>we're still catching our breath from all that.
>>
>>on the good side, despite the pandemic, in 2020
>>- oldest son gets married, we get a daughter-in-law and our
>>first grandson
>>- middle son graduates from college
>>- oldest daughter gets married
>>
>>*exhales slowly*
>>
>>
>>peace & blessings,
>>
>>x.
>>
>>www.twitter.com/poetx
>>
>>=========================================
>
>I had typed out a lot of personal shit then I realized I'm not
>as brave as you.

i'm semi-anonymous. and semi-transparent. but still feel like i'm putting myself out there. but on the other hand, i feel like there's people out here who can help me, or people i can help. hopefully.


>
>I try to focus on the positive.
>
>As far as your youngest son after dealing with family members
>in similar situations I've learned that sometimes you have to
>learn to love people from a distance.
>

i'm already like that w/ a lot of people. i have a tight circle. but our fam has been traditionally *very* tight and close-knit, and love to spend time together, and get together. and the last few years have just really been off. it's an adjustment.


peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

  

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Beamer6178
Member since Jan 09th 2006
6084 posts
Thu Oct-14-21 07:38 PM

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41. "and YOU don't smoke? shiiiiiiiiiiit......"
In response to Reply # 20


  

          

>- my mother-in-law died of cancer (super acrimonious. she
>wouldn't allow my wife to tell her mother until afterward, so
>my wife had to break the news to her grandmother that her
>daughter was sick and held it from her)
>-- my brother-in-law wilded out at the time of the funeral,
>ransacked his mother's apartment.
>- my grandmother (nana) died of cancer
>- my wife's grandmother died (natural causes?)
>2015
>- my father has a stroke, a week after easter
>- my father dies (aug)
>- my sister loses her mf mind during that entire period
>2016
>- i'm laid off after 24.5 years as a top performer at xxx (1
>month of severance)
>- i burn through my entire 401k keeping things afloat for a
>year and a half, and trying to start my own business
>2017 - i get hired at my current job.
>
>we're still catching our breath from all that.
>
>on the good side, despite the pandemic, in 2020
>- oldest son gets married, we get a daughter-in-law and our
>first grandson
>- middle son graduates from college
>- oldest daughter gets married
>
>*exhales slowly*
>
>
>peace & blessings,
>
>x.
>
>www.twitter.com/poetx
>
>=========================================
>I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
>focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
>
>not having much to show for it. (c) mad

  

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poetx
Charter member
58560 posts
Fri Oct-15-21 10:22 PM

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66. "if it was legal in nc??? pssh. "
In response to Reply # 41


  

          

i'm sorely tempted. but soon as i come down, my problems would be right here w/ me.


peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

  

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shygurl
Member since Oct 08th 2002
12916 posts
Thu Oct-14-21 03:13 PM

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21. "Man, that's tough"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

I have no words, just support. Hopefully this is just a rough patch, and he'll see the light with the reality of not living at home.

__________________________________________

I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.

— F. Scott Fitzgerald

  

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allStah
Member since Jun 21st 2014
6177 posts
Thu Oct-14-21 03:23 PM

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22. "He’s adopted. Plus he has a mental disorder."
In response to Reply # 0
Thu Oct-14-21 03:34 PM by allStah

          

Those two don’t mix well at all. I would imagine someone like that
might need therapy and a handler for the rest of his life.

I don’t consider a person like that to be your average person.

I can only imagine what you’ve been through, and what he has been
through. You both are victims. You are a victim of his uncontrollable actions
and he is a victim of himself.

Has he ever been medicated?

I’m not a fan of drugs or chemicals, but some people have mental chemical
imbalances that are so severe that they need to be medicated in order to
function in a humane way.

I personally feel it is totally impossible to logically negotiate with a person
who has a drug addiction or who is mentally disturbed. They don’t have
control of their thinking, and lack any sense of logic or reasoning.
The concept of right or wrong doesn’t exist.

I would hate to see your son get categorized as a criminal like the majority
of mentally ill people who get arrested or convicted. If he goes to prison,
It will only get worse.

I have a cousin who has functional autism. He has some semblance of human
socialization, but he is abnormally reckless. He has several kids that he doesn’t
take care of, because he doesn’t even know how to take care of himself.
As kids, I knew something wasn’t right about him, because he was unable
to express himself like a normal kid should. We still played and had fun,
and I never bothered or bullied him. He was/is my cousin. I have family members
who call him retarded, and my father still uses that word, which pisses me off.
Basically, he is not mentally fit to be in control of his life.

Has he ever been evaluated or examined by a psychiatrist to see if he is truly
mentally fit to make his own decisions or live on his own?

He might need to live under supervision to ensure that he has a normal,
civil life.








HIS NAME IS MASON MOUNT
Bulls | Bears | White Sox | Yankees | Notre Dame | Illinois | Chelsea | Real Madrid

  

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poetx
Charter member
58560 posts
Thu Oct-14-21 04:38 PM

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33. "yes and yes. it's a whole lot. he had therapy when "
In response to Reply # 22


  

          

he was little and still in foster care. took over a year before adoption was finalized.

they said he was better. his sister was actually worse off (our middle daughter, 21 yo). her therapy lasted a bit longer.


>Those two don’t mix well at all. I would imagine someone
>like that
>might need therapy and a handler for the rest of his life.
>
>I don’t consider a person like that to be your average
>person.

some mental illnesses don't really manifest until late teens / early adulthood. including some very bad stuff.


>
>I can only imagine what you’ve been through, and what he has
>been
>through. You both are victims. You are a victim of his
>uncontrollable actions
>and he is a victim of himself.
>
>Has he ever been medicated?

he came to us on adhd meds. at 4 yrs old. social worker told us his maternal gmother shopped him around until she got a diagnosis at 3+, thinking she could get money if he was considered therapeutic. you can't diagnose adhd that early and his whole life was trauma, instability and neglect.

he had negative side effects from it (tummy aches, perpetually loose bowels, zombiefied). also the meds didn't help his behaviors. so we weaned him off and worked with him on his behavioral issues.

I'll respond to the rest later...

gotta go coach


>
>I’m not a fan of drugs or chemicals, but some people have
>mental chemical
>imbalances that are so severe that they need to be medicated
>in order to
>function in a humane way.
>
>I personally feel it is totally impossible to logically
>negotiate with a person
>who has a drug addiction or who is mentally disturbed. They
>don’t have
>control of their thinking, and lack any sense of logic or
>reasoning.
>The concept of right or wrong doesn’t exist.
>
>I would hate to see your son get categorized as a criminal
>like the majority
>of mentally ill people who get arrested or convicted. If he
>goes to prison,
>It will only get worse.
>
>I have a cousin who has functional autism. He has some
>semblance of human
>socialization, but he is abnormally reckless. He has several
>kids that he doesn’t
>take care of, because he doesn’t even know how to take care
>of himself.
>As kids, I knew something wasn’t right about him, because he
>was unable
>to express himself like a normal kid should. We still played
>and had fun,
>and I never bothered or bullied him. He was/is my cousin. I
>have family members
>who call him retarded, and my father still uses that word,
>which pisses me off.
>Basically, he is not mentally fit to be in control of his
>life.
>
>Has he ever been evaluated or examined by a psychiatrist to
>see if he is truly
>mentally fit to make his own decisions or live on his own?
>
>He might need to live under supervision to ensure that he has
>a normal,
>civil life.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>


peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

  

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rdhull
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32549 posts
Thu Oct-14-21 03:47 PM

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25. "jail/prison is going to be his rock bottom"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

Not being an ass but everything you've explained, he's def going to end up incarcerated. And that probably won't be a wake up call nor set him straight either. Not by judging from what you've told us about him. He def needs so medication and even then, he needs to be in some sort of treatment..that he wouldn't work with, so....

  

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jetblack
Member since Nov 14th 2004
44713 posts
Thu Oct-14-21 05:44 PM

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37. "yup. Always the hard way."
In response to Reply # 25


  

          

---
Knock knock, Neo...
---
Stay +.
---

  

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poetx
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Fri Oct-15-21 10:25 PM

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67. "that's the thing. i'm hoping kicking him out is his rock bottom. "
In response to Reply # 25


  

          

>Not being an ass but everything you've explained, he's def
>going to end up incarcerated. And that probably won't be a
>wake up call nor set him straight either.

maybe this is enough to jar him to rethink if he's really committed to this path or not. we felt like, if he was going to be openly defiant / contemptible of his legal consequences, and we let it slide, we'd be part of the problem.


Not by judging from
>what you've told us about him. He def needs so medication and
>even then, he needs to be in some sort of treatment..that he
>wouldn't work with, so....

right. i'm praying that this is enough of a wakeup call that he takes those steps. thanks.


peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

  

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legsdiamond
Member since May 05th 2011
71593 posts
Thu Oct-14-21 03:47 PM

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26. "what age was he when you adopted him? "
In response to Reply # 0


          

My mom had foster kids and some of them had to go because they came from trauma that we simply couldn’t handle.

****************
TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*

  

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poetx
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58560 posts
Thu Oct-14-21 03:56 PM

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28. "he was 4. a few days short of his 5th birthday. "
In response to Reply # 26


  

          

(his sister was 3).

they both got picked up in a drug raid. bio-mom had been been been on her last chance w/ social services. that was the straw that got her rights terminated.

it was us (who already had 4 kids, including my youngest, whom we'd adopted the year before), or the system. he came to us as a foster child / adoptive placement. his sister went back to his aunt a couple days later.

driving down (redacted) road to (redacted) where the county services building with both of them in the van was already hard. but he vocalized, at that young age, they don't want me.

and it was true. and that was the saddest shit i'd ever heard. he'd been through all the family placements (maternal and paternal grandmothers, aunts, cousins, whatever), nobody wanted him, or, moreso, his mom, b/c she would come around and threaten them or do all kinds of manipulative shit. so nobody wanted to deal w/ that anymore, scarcely 5 years into his life.


peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

  

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Beamer6178
Member since Jan 09th 2006
6084 posts
Thu Oct-14-21 07:44 PM

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42. "does he have any sort of relationship with his biological?"
In response to Reply # 28


  

          

>(his sister was 3).
>
>they both got picked up in a drug raid. bio-mom had been been
>been on her last chance w/ social services. that was the straw
>that got her rights terminated.
>
>it was us (who already had 4 kids, including my youngest, whom
>we'd adopted the year before), or the system. he came to us as
>a foster child / adoptive placement. his sister went back to
>his aunt a couple days later.
>
>driving down (redacted) road to (redacted) where the county
>services building with both of them in the van was already
>hard. but he vocalized, at that young age, they don't want me.
>
>
>and it was true. and that was the saddest shit i'd ever heard.
>he'd been through all the family placements (maternal and
>paternal grandmothers, aunts, cousins, whatever), nobody
>wanted him, or, moreso, his mom, b/c she would come around and
>threaten them or do all kinds of manipulative shit. so nobody
>wanted to deal w/ that anymore, scarcely 5 years into his
>life.
>
>
I mean it doesn't sound like it's necessarily a good thing for him to be around her but it sounds like that feeling of inadequacy, plus the chemical imbalance that may be genetics, have never really left him, they've just moved around...

  

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poetx
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Thu Oct-14-21 10:43 PM

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53. "Reply #52. yeah. "
In response to Reply # 42


  

          

>I mean it doesn't sound like it's necessarily a good thing for
>him to be around her but it sounds like that feeling of
>inadequacy, plus the chemical imbalance that may be genetics,
>have never really left him, they've just moved around...

it has to mess w/ him. we've spoken some about it w/ him. even in 'good' times, which went to few and far between and then to none over the last couple of years.

he definitely has some issues w/ that. but he won't talk w/ us or anyone else about it.

peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

  

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Reeq
Member since Mar 11th 2013
12469 posts
Thu Oct-14-21 04:21 PM

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31. "has he ever been part of a drug counseling or aversion program?"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

or some group of adopted folks dealing with the type of issues they deal with?

basically around people 'like him' (for like of a better term).

pardon me if its already been answered in here.

i know its obviously difficult getting someone older than 18 to participate in something they arent entirely willing or legally forced to take part it. but maybe theres a way to reach out to friends and family members that hes close to and they can put the full court press on.

iono mayne. its a seemingly never-ending battle to save some folks from that internal torment.

------

  

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poetx
Charter member
58560 posts
Thu Oct-14-21 11:44 PM

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56. "no. i told him when he was arrested that that would be a component of "
In response to Reply # 31


  

          

his sentence if he was fortunate enough to get probation, and sure enough, mandatory counseling was part of it.

>or some group of adopted folks dealing with the type of
>issues they deal with?

nope. we would periodically bring up adoption as he was growing up. he never wanted to discuss it. shut the convos down quickly.

>basically around people 'like him' (for like of a better
>term).
>
>pardon me if its already been answered in here.

man, i'm writing long ass replies in here on stream of consciousness. no pardon necessary. thank you for caring enough to ask. but nah. he's always been averse to discussions of adoption.

now, keep in mind, throughout their childhood my wife and i were intentional to not show any difference in treatment to our kids by adoption vs our kids by birth.

at the same time we were intentional in talking about adoption, not hiding it, not stigmatizing it. hella movies have adoption themes. scripture uses adoption as a metaphor constantly. when in public, no one could tell by how we treated them that they were adopted. (as opposed to those folks, and yeah we know folks, that be like, "hi, this is my birth child and this is my adopted child" - i hate that, b/c it's typically on some 'look at me' trying to get credit for it. especially for transracial and transnational adoptions. )

>
>i know its obviously difficult getting someone older than 18
>to participate in something they arent entirely willing or
>legally forced to take part it. but maybe theres a way to
>reach out to friends and family members that hes close to and
>they can put the full court press on.

it's impossible. he has no stable relationships outside of our family and all of those are on thin ice. and there's no full court pressing. if you challenge him in the slightest to take accountability or responsibility, you're an enemy and cutoff.

>iono mayne. its a seemingly never-ending battle to save some
>folks from that internal torment.

i can't do no more. i've told him (when he was insisting that his involvement w/ his birth family, including dealing w/ his messy ass sister and almost getting shot by her trappin ass baby daddy) that you cannot save somebody if you are not a strong swimmer. i've used that analogy many times in life, way before it was applicable to him. (it happens literally in nc 2 -3 times per summer with folks drowning, so every year i touch on this w/ the kids). so even if he was well intentioned, not doable.

only way you can force an adult into treatment is try to commit them. if they don't go willingly, that means dialing 9-11. for a black person? that's a higher probability of ending in death than not doing anything.

and if he's not really in 'crisis', but just drifting through life, burning bridges, not doing shit, and putting himself on a path to jail, i couldn't even justify that.




peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

  

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Ray_Snill
Charter member
16650 posts
Thu Oct-14-21 05:42 PM

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35. "sorry to hear that fam"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

I hope you're able to find peace but it seems like you've exhausted all of your options. you're a lot better than I am because I have a very short fuse for some reason now that I've gotten older. I use to let things bounce off me, now they get me in a way I'm not proud of. you and you wife are in my prayers and I'ma send one up for your son too. God bless and be strong



<=========================================
https://cdn0.vox-cdn.com/thumbor/PYzh4v9cSf4FDnq3yMQyqNqh79o=/800x0/filters:no_upscale%28%29/cdn0.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_asset/file/4079674/jlio.0.gif

  

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jetblack
Member since Nov 14th 2004
44713 posts
Thu Oct-14-21 05:43 PM

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36. "Damn. 23? Gotta go do something"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

not in this house.

Job, school or military. Pick one, kiddo.

---
Knock knock, Neo...
---
Stay +.
---

  

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BrooklynWHAT
Member since Jun 15th 2007
82154 posts
Thu Oct-14-21 06:32 PM

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39. "i hope the best for him :/"
In response to Reply # 0
Thu Oct-14-21 06:32 PM by BrooklynWHAT

  

          

that maybe this will be the wakeup call he needs to get it together, and not something worse. i dont really have anything else to add beyond that

<--- Big Baller World Order

  

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makaveli
Charter member
15628 posts
Thu Oct-14-21 08:54 PM

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43. "That’s tough"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

I know it’s not easy and I know you are stressing, hopefully he learns from the experience and gets himself together. He’s still young, plenty of time to turn things around. Wishing the best to you and your family.

“So back we go to these questions — friendship, character… ethics.”

  

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poetx
Charter member
58560 posts
Thu Oct-14-21 09:13 PM

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47. "thanks to all of y'all for all of the support, thoughts, prayers. it mea..."
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

a lot to me.

i'm still jotting things down. it's helpful to me to get it on paper. but i really appreciate your own stories that you've shared. a lot of it is just confirmation that i'm not crazy.


peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

  

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Castro
Charter member
49910 posts
Thu Oct-14-21 09:43 PM

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48. "Sending love to you and the fam. Mental health in a mad world....."
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

its a struggle.

that whole scenario is ridiculous. You did right- you extended every option to help him along and he chose the door.

Praying for his recovery and him recognizing the beauty and energy which you have continually poured into him.

------------------
One Hundred.

  

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poetx
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58560 posts
Thu Oct-14-21 09:45 PM

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49. "episodes - broke up w/ his gf in... early 2019? they were together for "
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

about 4 years?

she was sweet. her family was dysfunctional as hell. told you he was attracted to drama. kinda reporting under the guise of 'concern'.

he took advantage of her. she had a car. after a year or so it ended up he used to drive it more than her. he'd drive her to work and pick her up. and then have the car all day. ostensibly doing his training business. a lotta times he'd just be sleeping. bullshitting.

we told him that wasn't right. that even if she let him, he was abusing her niceness or naivete or whatever. we also talked to her. told her, you need to tell him 'no'. my oldest daughter would take her out to lunch sometimes and tell her the same thing.

i told him, multiple times, that he needed to get a real job. make the training thing his side hustle, get a car (b/c his model included renting gyms to train in, as well as driving to kids all across the county to train them). he literally could not scale his business without transportation. and you don't build a business like that being dependent upon other people's shit.

he had her car all funky from driving himself and other guys back and forth to workouts. got in accidents in her car. think once he pocketed the money to fix it (we saw a check come to the crib from her insurance company. after that he got some expensive training equipment).

she went to community college to get trained as a dental hygienist. he went too for a hot minute. same classes as her. ended up failing all classes.

fast forward, she eventually graduated. got a good job at a dentist's office. (she was driven and had a great work ethic). she eventually got to the point of being sick of him and wanting to call it off. she bought a new car. unbeknownst to us she had been trying for weeks to get him to give her car back (by this time he had stopped staying over w/ her at her grandmother's house).

he's all remorseful (at the consequences, probably). he's high key stalking her on social media. a coworker of the gf tells him to fall back. he exchanges words w/ her. (friend is black). she basically replies that he don't know her like that and he can mess around and get touched for talking reckless.

he's mad about that and on the verge of doing some dumb shit to escalate the situation. i tell him he's wrong on all accounts and he needs to chill and just let it and her go.

he flips on me, like, "really? she's making death threats against your son and you take her side? she talking about she got goons? i got goons too."

i respond that he was wrong af for how he treated his gf. he was lucky she wasn't vindictive, b/c she could have reported the car stolen (white girl, black man) and gotten his ass locked up. his gf's friend was right to tell him to fall back. anything after that was incidental to him being in the wrong. told him he was escalating it and he was going to bring consequences on his own head.

he basically said i never took his side, yadda yadda, and then said he might kill himself. eyes got all wide and theatrical (like pac in juice), half smiling. and maybe he needs to go to the hospital.

i called his bluff. we'd been talking for like 3 hrs, it's about 1am. i'm like, go pack your stuff. we can go to Holly Hill right damn now. i'll take you. c'mon.

then he has this shocked look on his face. nah.

whatchu mean 'nah'? you said you wanted to go? i will take you. c'mon. no. story changes.

backdrop: i KNOW suicide is incredibly serious business. but i grew up pretty much my whole life from around 8 yrs old and up with my mother threatening explicitly or implicitly to off herself if i didn't take her side in her arguments w/ my father. like, all the damn time.

and when my father had a stroke and then was sick in the hospital and my sister opened up the biggest batch of crazy ever (i chronicled that on here, too), there was one day when my sister and mother threatened me with suicide within about 30 min of each other while i'm up in md, visiting my father in the hospital, trying to come to grips with potentially losing him and my sister being absolutely hateful to my mom, disrespectful to me, and my mom who already got issues being several magnitudes of extra.

i really can't with emotional hostage taking. and jj1 has a history of doing emotionally manipulative shit. so i was just at the point of, if you say you gonna do this, and you want me to take you to the hospital, i'll do it. but don't threaten me w/ some serious shit to get leverage.

i didn't mention in that other post about all the stuff i dealt with from 2012 - 2016 that in around 2014, one of my former football players (teammate of my middle son) killed himself.


peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

  

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Cocobrotha2
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10826 posts
Thu Oct-14-21 10:02 PM

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50. "Sorry for this but thanks for sharing"
In response to Reply # 0


          

Hopefully you find a solution and others can learn something from your ordeal.

<-><-><-><-><-><-><-><-><->
<-><-><-><-><-><-><-><-><->

  

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poetx
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58560 posts
Thu Oct-14-21 10:05 PM

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51. "episode - he went off b/c our oldest daughter called him the previous "
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

episode, and he got mad b/c we wouldn't give him some money or some shit. idk. my wife and all the girls were in the japanese restaurant and he came in (i think it was my middle daughter's birthday). he gets super mad b/c my oldest tells him he was wrong and shouldn't have been using that girl. and to get a real job and work for shit if he wants it.

that easter we end up w/ some drama and he's talking about how he's always been treated different and we are like, hell naw. you got the most and appreciated it the least. you don't pay rent. we haven't asked you for rent. you don't have to live here if you feel so unappreciated. wouldn't NOBODY in our peer group, Black or white, put up with this shit.

he be trying to use his adoptive status as a cudgel -- always bringing his younger sisters into his drama on some 'we' shit. they are like, naw. that's you. i think he's wielded this skillfully for many years, and we've overcorrected.

sometime around last year he gets really interested in his birth family. we've never forbidden him from dealing with them. i knew since freshman year or so they were on his fb, etc. his bio mom stayed in and out of jail. he has an older sister, s1, who was 19 when we adopted him. she begged us not to let him go back to his biological mother (her mother) b/c he'd be destroyed. he has an older brother s2, and two other older sisters, s3, s4. they were all in family placements when he and his younger sister JJ2 went into care. (yeah, it's complicated).

we initially were doing visits and stuff. but a lot of times we'd take him and JJ2 down to the county building and they'd wait, and wait... his bio mom would flake on the visit.

when she'd be locked up she'd send my wife these teary-eyed letters about how much she missed him. one thing my wife told her was that she had dealt with abandonment from her father (growing up in bmore), and that a dealbreaker was if she made a promise to jj1 that she didn't keep, as she hadn't made peace with her issues until she was 37 years old.

fast forward. bio mom and siblings supposed to come see him playing ball at a rec game (i'm coaching - i coached them all in rec in multiple sports, that's how we got into foster care and adoption to start with).

bio mom no shows. jj1's face reminds us of when we were in that van taking his sister back. that was it. we cut off all visits and contact.

keep in mind, we were raising a family of 6, that had recently grown from 4 to 6, dealing with jj2 who came to us because the aunt (a pastor) that took her in was going through a divorce and beat her in the face and back w/ a hot curling iron. we got that call while we were in florida w/ our then 5 kids (including jj1) at universal studios, outside of the poseidon adventure ride).


peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

  

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poetx
Charter member
58560 posts
Thu Oct-14-21 10:38 PM

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52. "anyway, he gets real into his birth family. we told him it was cool. "
In response to Reply # 51


  

          

when he was younger and before we shut things down, we'd ask him if he wanted to talk to mommy bev (pseudonym for bio mom), and he was always like no. you want to write her a letter? no.

later on, we'd ask him from time to time if he wanted to talk about his birth family. answer was always no. it made him uncomfortable. we thought he felt it got in the way of him blending in. he wouldn't articulate it. it was always just no. his sister, jj2 was always a hard no on any contact or discussion.

fast forward to last year and he's in touch with them. hanging out w/ them. bad mouthing us (he admitted some in some discussions). he badmouthed the hell out of us to his former gf, we found out from my oldest daughter. smh.

anyway, the youngest of his biological siblings (s4) had a baby by a drug dealer (not a rare thing). he wasn't w/ her. she was messing w/ this other dude. somehow, her oldest son (a few years old) was left in new dude's custody, and he beats the child to death).

jj1 inserts himself into that tragedy (which is also drama). his oldest sister don't fuck w/ the youngest sister b/c she stay on drama. so much so that she didn't go to the funeral. but jj1 posting all on social media about his nephew, who he never met, he only started messing w/ them in person AFTER this happened. just like he does to every tragedy he's tangentially attached to.

he starts living w/ the siblings (still, his stuff is here. base is here). ostensibly on some savior shit, like he gonna fix everything. in the meantime he's working at a gas station / convenience store on the overnight shift. there's a shift premium for a reason. i already know the deal. he's there by himself. danger. yep. but no direct supervision, although his bosses watch the videos meticulously. he said it was less stressful.

we've had the mental health discussions multiple times. multiple offers to help him get help. all ultimately declined or not acted upon. but he later blames us for not helping him.

his jobs:

- bojangles - fired
- food lion - talk too much. great customer scores. late all the time. fired
- publix - gets in drama. fired
- bojangles - fired
- convenience store - works there for several months. including during covid so he gets shift premium and covid premium. fired. stealing / helping other dudes steal.
- random ass warehouse job - starts off good (like all the others). ends up being late for no reason. missing time. fired
- amazon - says he working there. no he not. fired. used all his PTO. faked a covid scare to cover the days when we drove him to SC to pick up his car from about to be auctioned after he got enough money up to get it back. fired.

so he's working at the convenience store at the time he really starts messing w/ his birth family. sees his birth father, too (dude was in jail for a long bid and got out when he was like 18).

uses his nephew's death / funeral as an excuse to take off from the job. turns out he's under investigation b/c the inventory turning up light. mr 'i got goons too' getting punked by supposedly gang members who figure out when he is on 3rd and just be coming through that bitch shopping, taking whole things of cigarettes. then he starts getting in on it and taking shit too.

he was luck no cops involved. and we told him so. but now he's wasted around 6 or 7 months of life that could have been a positive work history. nope.

while he is alternating between his birth siblings and our house is when he gets into selling. or we think. he said he started earlier. my suspicion is that if they don't have shit they not gonna just let him lay up on them w/ no money. it don't make sense.

he gets in fights w/ all of them and burns bridges w/ them, too.

when he gets arrested, and he's looking at big $$ to keep his car from getting repossessed, he goes to his birth father. he gives him some bread. he selling. he (birth father) gets knocked, and now he locked up again.

whole last several years is every fucking thing we've every told him coming to pass one after the other.

he got the nerve, sometimes, absent drama, to casually speak to me and my wife about 'mom' or 'dad'. we don't react in front of him, because we feel like he's being provocative on purpose. we been clear (not with respect to them, but just on general human being 101, throughout all the kids lives that there's a difference between who actively raised and cared for you versus your dna donor. my wifes biological father is her *father*, but not her 'dad'. that connotes a lot more.

some people might see being irked by that as petty, but fuck that. that's how i feel. but again, we didn't express that to him or in front of him.




peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

  

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calij81
Member since Jan 17th 2007
12783 posts
Thu Oct-14-21 11:04 PM

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54. "Parents love is forever and unconditional but sometimes we need to vent"
In response to Reply # 0
Thu Oct-14-21 11:04 PM by calij81

          

So vent away. It’s all support and love in here for you.

  

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poetx
Charter member
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Sat Oct-16-21 09:30 PM

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71. "yep. this is what it is. venting. "
In response to Reply # 54


  

          

>So vent away. It’s all support and love in here for you.

i appreciate it. aside from my wife and kids, y'all the only ones that know any of this. i just need to get it out of me. our love is unconditional but our patience ain't.



peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

  

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legsdiamond
Member since May 05th 2011
71593 posts
Fri Oct-15-21 07:54 AM

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57. "I’m a but shocked he has already failed 3 test and is still free"
In response to Reply # 0


          

you really get that many failed test before they do something?


land that cop was extra nice

and the ex gf post reads like he is trying to live that street life.

Is he built for jail?

****************
TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*

  

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poetx
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Sat Oct-16-21 10:29 PM

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76. "fam. he said he failed 3, and then cheated 2. i'm like, wtf is the PO do..."
In response to Reply # 57


  

          

>you really get that many failed test before they do
>something?

his birth siblings (at least 2, maybe 3 of the 4 been locked up) were telling him how many times he could fail. this was early in this scenario and i was incredulous that he was thinking in terms of the bare minimum (how many tests can i fail and not get sent up?) instead of just doing what he needed to do.


>land that cop was extra nice
>
man lissen.

>and the ex gf post reads like he is trying to live that street
>life.
>

i don't know if he started flipping during the relationship. he used to try to be there for her emotionally when her fam was going through all kinds of drama. but it ended up w/ him basically using her, or, at the very least taking her for granted. we were disgusted w/ that, b/c ain't no damn way, and made it clear that it would be fucked up for anyone to try to do that to any of our sons or daughters.

he always rationalized it like she was cool w/ it. we even told her we understood if she kicked him to the curb but NOT to let him run over her.


>Is he built for jail?

hell naw. physique was like an nfl free safety. but no heart. (and i coached football and played in college). people would gas him and ask if he played football and i was like, yeah, naw. when he was younger he would jump out the way of people in flag football. he never had that attitude.

we had a whole thing when he was 13 and tough-typing on fb and we took his phone for the better part of a year after he persisted in doing dumb stuff. and we explained at that time that there is damn near no margin of error for a Black child / adult in this world now. how minor beefs be escalating to shots. how cops be seeing black kids as threats, etc.. reminded him of where we grew up. (as opposed to where he was growing up, which is the opposite of that). told him about kids i coached and mentored from down here who would not listen and went down that path and ended up getting twisted up.

he was good for several years after that.

but nah, he not built for jail. lookin like he do, he'll get tested. and then get took for bad.

in the meantime he making ultimatums (around his non-compliance w/ probation) about 'i'm not going to prison'. like, what, you gonna go out in a blaze of glory? you not built like that.

*sigh*.




peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

  

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spades
Member since Mar 22nd 2006
42833 posts
Fri Oct-15-21 09:57 AM

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59. "Fuck man, that's hard."
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

I'm sorry you had to go through that. Sometimes it's the only thing that can be done. let's hope it all shakes out.

I been there. Lots of folks been there, perhaps this is the catalyst for him to start taking shit seriously.

********************************
http://www.last.fm/user/Nspades

Get Out The Room!
http://getouttheroom.podomatic.com
@fakewilliamkatt
www.wickedradionetwork.com

"The world is changed by your example, not by your opinion" - Paulo Coehlo

  

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poetx
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Wed Oct-20-21 04:57 PM

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77. "thank you. "
In response to Reply # 59


  

          


peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

  

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AFRICAN
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11849 posts
Fri Oct-15-21 11:54 AM

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60. "You can’t help someone who won’t help themselves "
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

Thats your son so of course he knows your weak spots but that emotional blackmail is fucked up.
You have nothing to feel guilty about .
Hope everything works out.

http://perspectivesudans.blogspot.com/
instagram:@3rdworldview
Blessed be the Lord /who believe any mess they read up on the message board

  

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GOMEZ
Member since Feb 13th 2003
5475 posts
Fri Oct-15-21 12:51 PM

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61. "Yeah man, this is so tough. I wish there was a great gameplan for this ..."
In response to Reply # 60


  

          

i *think* if I was in this situation the move is to have an open offer of help, but it starts w/therapy and addressing the mental health issues. If it can't start with that, nothing else really matters, and is mostly spinning wheels. I think you'd have to be pretty strict with that.

But shoot, such an emotional rollercoaster and mix of feelings for kid that you've raised.

One love, and really hoping this kid figures it out sooner than later.

In a generation of swine, the one-eyed pig is king.
-Hunter S. Thompson

  

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poetx
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58560 posts
Fri Oct-22-21 10:23 PM

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93. "thank you. i think i'm immune now, tho. nm"
In response to Reply # 60


  

          


peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

  

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poetx
Charter member
58560 posts
Fri Oct-15-21 10:35 PM

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68. "he texted me the next day: "
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

him: I'm going to get this right. I am very sorry again for disrespecting you guys. It wasn't my intent.

I love you and I know you just want me to be a man.


---

i was delayed in replying by about 45 min. i wrote a long response. it wouldn't go through. my wife said he probably blocked me, like he did her a couple days ago. i cut and pasted the text into an email and sent it.

me: thanks. we love you too. more than you can know. but we can't watch you continue down a path that leads to nothing good.

getting it right means getting evaluated and diagnosed and finding some kind of treatment. it means letting go of self-medicating. it means complying with your probation so that you can clear your name and not having that hanging over you. it means recognizing the things that are in your control and taking accountability for them.

again, we love you, care for you, want the best for you and continue to pray for you.

---
after a day, he responded back

him: Btw i didn't have a test yesterday it was an outside meeting due to covid. my pee will be clean for the next test


then my texts were able to go through. so don't know if he unblocked me or what's going on.

after that he texted again today.

him: Understood. I'm working on getting a safe spot right now. I'll reach out tomorrow as I know today is mom's bday.

--


so, for now, lines of communication are still open. he seems contrite. hope it's real.




peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

  

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ThaTruth
Charter member
94805 posts
Sat Oct-16-21 07:08 AM

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69. "sounds good, hopefully things continue in a positive direction. "
In response to Reply # 68


          

________________________________________
"Stay out the dark, cause if I catch you when the sun is down..."
https://youtu.be/eaaTxVRG06c?t=89

  

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mikediggz
Member since Dec 02nd 2003
9541 posts
Sat Oct-16-21 04:43 PM

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70. "hang in there man...nothin easy about your situation..."
In response to Reply # 68


  

          

but you are handling it like a parent who really loves his kid...salute bro. I have a childhood friend who just recently got promoted to director of some type of rehab program based out of raleigh...hes well connected in those circles and has access to alot of resources. shoot me an inbox if you need a connect or info.

  

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poetx
Charter member
58560 posts
Sat Oct-16-21 10:12 PM

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75. "i will hit you up. thanks for that. "
In response to Reply # 70


  

          


peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

  

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DJR
Member since Jan 01st 2005
16658 posts
Sat Oct-16-21 09:55 PM

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73. "All the best to you, your son, and your family"
In response to Reply # 68


  

          

  

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poetx
Charter member
58560 posts
Wed Oct-20-21 05:43 PM

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78. "plot twist. my wife ran into his birth sister yesterday at the store (bs..."
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

birth sibling 1 (oldest of his biological family).

she saw her at xyz store, and they ended up talking for an hour and a half.

i'm so done.

he been lying on us the whole time. doing the same trifling shit w/ them that he was doing with us.

bs1 is around 37, now. her/their mom is back in jail. she is basically the matriarch for her younger siblings, and has been for at least the last 18 yrs that he's been with us.

he basically told her and her siblings (bs2, bs3, bs4) that we abused him and his sister (jj2), that he had a horrible childhood, we always treated him different, and all kinds of wild shit.

he told them he had nowhere to stay and that we had kicked him out a year ago. my wife told her, "no, we kicked him out on tuesday (and then she told her the story about the piss in the microwave and the refrigerator)" and her mouth hit the floor.

contrary to what he told us, they ain't struggling. she got a good job at (university) and a 5 bedroom house w/ her and her 5 kids. bs2 (his oldest brother) works two jobs. middle sister (bs3) has a good job and has a nice house in (nice neighborhood on other side of town). youngest birth sister, who is the one w/ all the drama, is working, and they are helping support her.

she said that her younger siblings (keep in mind they're all adults) might smoke a bit, recreationally, but they ain't selling. (he tried to blame selling on them, like they put him up to it). she said his biological father is the one who is still on that dumb shit. she didn't know he had been arrested again.

i'm so done.

the youngest of them, bs4, had 2 kids by a drug dealer. she has other kids also, and some dude who was supposed to be helping her killed one of her kids. our son, who never laid eyes on this baby, inserted himself into that drama (the baby's daddy was enraged and wanted to kill bs4...). anyway, our son (jj1) calls he's going to go live with her to 'help' her. that's what he told us.

from bs1's mouth, he was laying up on his sister, during her time of grief and trauma, not working, not doing anything helpful. basically laying around all day, smoking weed and eating up food.

he has been kicked out of 3 of his birth siblings' homes. for the same trifling shit. she wanted us to know that it wasn't their fault why he is bugging.

also, same as with us, whenever she has adult conversations about getting a job, being responsible, etc., he starts talking about suicide, etc. more emotional hostage taking.

she said that she has a game night w/ her brothers and sisters and invited (through my son) me and my wife to come over. he did a no show, and told them we didn't want anything to do w/ them.

there's way to much to go into. i'm beyond hurt. the girl who he took advantage of and crashed her car, and wouldn't give it back until she threatened to call the cops? he told his sister that he had gotten out of a 'toxic relationship'. mfer YOU was the toxic one.



my wife and bs1 were texting last night. bs2 texted bs1 and told her she saw jj1 and told him that my wife was talking to her. she said he responded, "oh shit". and went radio silent.

oh shit, indeed.

he a sloppy liar anyway.

when i was kicking him out, he said, 'this is the first time i've been in therapy' (this is last week. i already know of at least one missed appointment w/ therapy).

two days ago, he texted me and asked if he could stop by and pick up his insurance card. i said yeah. he went up there. couldn't find it.

i asked it what he needed it for. "you got another therapy session? how'd the other one go?"

him: "oh. no. this is my first one. it's an assessment".

so he lied last week about that.

my wife texted him the insurance info.

i texted him and said "mom sent it". on monday. around 1pm.

no response. never followed up about how the appointment went.

the 'oh shit' moment (when he knew my wife had talked to his sister) was yesterday.

now he texting me today.

him: "Thanks. what do i have to do to come back?"

me: ignores it. i've told him repeatedly what he did wrong, what the original terms were. stop playing.


him: 45 min later. "I'll follow the rules. If not, I understand. I just want to know where I'm gonna officially be telling my PO is my location"


i don't care. that is not my problem. you should have thought of that shit beforehand.





peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

  

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Ryan M
Member since Oct 21st 2002
41625 posts
Wed Oct-20-21 05:54 PM

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79. "Man - I don't know what to say. "
In response to Reply # 78


  

          

My parents are going through something in the same ballpark with my nearly 35 year old brother. They finally kicked him out a few months ago (yup). He doesn't have the drug issues, but he DOES have the laziness/"You don't understand"/threatening suicide thing.

At some point, I just called him on his bullshit and now we speak but it's all surface shit. My mom is the same. My dad is the only one who still entertains it. It took me a LONG, LONG time to realize that, while he is depressed and has untreated personality disorders/mental health issues, he is not suicidal nor has he ever been - he's just playing a high stakes bluffing game which is beyond fucked.

I'm really sorry you're dealing with this. I wish I could say things will get better - and I hope they will - but from all accounts, it seems like you're doing all the things you're supposed to do because you sure as hell can't make someone do the right thing.

Hang in there, sir.

------------------------------

17x NBA Champions

  

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poetx
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58560 posts
Thu Oct-21-21 03:32 PM

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84. "what you've said is great, and helpful. thank you. "
In response to Reply # 79


  

          

>My parents are going through something in the same ballpark
>with my nearly 35 year old brother. They finally kicked him
>out a few months ago (yup). He doesn't have the drug issues,
>but he DOES have the laziness/"You don't
>understand"/threatening suicide thing.

that shit is wild. i looked up (in an anonymous browser) personality disorders to confirm my layperson's understanding of sociopath / psychopath and that is troubling. 'threatening suicide with no intention of doing it' is listed as a psychopathic trait (which is a subset, along w/ sociopathy, of Antisocial Personality Disorders).

i'm not diagnosing him. and i truly hope and pray he gets a diagnosis. but this is a behavior. and it's in line with his history, and his birth sister corroborated in her conversation w/ my wife the other day that this is exactly what he does to her, also, whenever she talks about him getting a job or doing anything responsible. then he goes radio silent, often for months. until he pops up out the blue needing something.

and that scene when he was walking out of the house to his car, when i kicked him out haunts me. all conversationally, 'dad, i'm mentally ill'. (no response from me). "well, ok. but i hope y'all are able to live with it if something happens to me".

that type of shit probably bought him an additional two years of having his nonsense put up with.

>At some point, I just called him on his bullshit and now we
>speak but it's all surface shit. My mom is the same. My dad is
>the only one who still entertains it. It took me a LONG, LONG
>time to realize that, while he is depressed and has untreated
>personality disorders/mental health issues, he is not suicidal
>nor has he ever been - he's just playing a high stakes
>bluffing game which is beyond fucked.

yep. as i mentioned in another thread, i grew up with my mother doing this shit to me from a young age (threatening suicide, implicitly or explicitly if i didn't choose a side ('hers') when conflict went on in the house between my dad and her). and my sister has done it to me. that's a fucked up weapon to use on anyone. it's not a negotiating tactic. it's emotional hostage taking.

and again, if he was showing any signs of wanting to get help, or even accepting help offered to him, i'd be all there.

>
>I'm really sorry you're dealing with this. I wish I could say
>things will get better - and I hope they will - but from all
>accounts, it seems like you're doing all the things you're
>supposed to do because you sure as hell can't make someone do
>the right thing.
>
>Hang in there, sir.
>
>

much appreciated, fam. we doing our best.


peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

  

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GNT1986
Member since Dec 09th 2011
96 posts
Tue Oct-26-21 09:05 PM

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97. "so..."
In response to Reply # 84


          

i was reading through this thread for the first time last night and as you kept describing incidents, i was thinking this kid has a cluster b personality disorder (https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/personality-disorders/symptoms-causes/syc-20354463).

specifically either narcissistic personality disorder or borderline personality disorder.

then i read about circumstances of adoption and how at an early age he verbalized that his birth parents didn't want him and it made lean more towards a narcissistic personality disorder.

borderline because there's this push & pull and emotional manipulation in your relationship with him and narcissistic as a defense to feelings of low self worth while he was young, along with the almost...transactional nature of his relationships? use people up, turn them against each other, while diverting responsibility on to others.

sorry man. my thoughts are with you.

my best friend told me he had a kid that was born at the beginning of october/end of september. he didn't know anything about it until a few days before the birth. the woman kept him in the dark until a few days before the delivery date.

he's been going back and forth about a lot of things because he's living at home, pays his parents bills, acts as a caretaker of sorts, and that makes it difficult for him to be actively involved in the child's life who is 7-9 hours away, depending on traffic. i've got real complicated feelings about his attitude towards the whole thing and i've not been able to articulate exactly what i want to say to him - but this thread has kinda nailed the heart of my worries - if he doesn't take an active role in this kids life the kid is going to end up like jj1 - with lasting, damning impacts of not being wanted by anyone.

sorry - i'm just rambling and your thread hit home for me. i'm still trying to figure out what i'm gonna say to my best friend because it's just so much and overwhelming and i know he's going to be an asshole about how he can't just put his life on hold - he's got existing obligations and she should just give the kid to him (now) or when he turns 5 so he can 'teach him how to be a man.'

he thinks a father is more important than the mother in the development of a man.

SMH.

it takes both. shit, it takes a village.

  

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GOMEZ
Member since Feb 13th 2003
5475 posts
Thu Oct-21-21 01:07 AM

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80. "Man, sorry to hear that. Sounds like the young'n gonna learn the hard wa..."
In response to Reply # 78


  

          

Good luck my dude.

I don't want this to sound cold, but spend that energy on your kids that will grow and prosper from it. You've given the young man plenty of energy and plenty of opportunity. At a certain point we're all grown and it's up to us to take what we've learned and choose how to operate in the world. It sounds like it's that time for him.

In a generation of swine, the one-eyed pig is king.
-Hunter S. Thompson

  

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poetx
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58560 posts
Thu Oct-21-21 03:36 PM

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85. "thanks. "
In response to Reply # 80


  

          

>Good luck my dude.
>
>I don't want this to sound cold, but spend that energy on your
>kids that will grow and prosper from it. You've given the
>young man plenty of energy and plenty of opportunity. At a
>certain point we're all grown and it's up to us to take what
>we've learned and choose how to operate in the world. It
>sounds like it's that time for him.

it doesn't sound cold. my wife and i had the convo last night (after she filled in our oldest daughter on the convo w/ his birth sister) that, contrary to his stories of victimization, that he's appparently told to EVERYONE about us, including his gf who he treated so horribly, if anything, we erred on the side of letting him get away with too much. it's wild, b/c i talk about this in a lot of contexts but hadn't applied it here, but we over-corrected.

because he had subtly weaponized his adopted status, we were hypersensitive about treating him differently or more harshly and he consequently got away with a lot more shit than he should have. not that he got away with a lot or lived a consequence free life, but just that we always pulled back somewhat. or gave him the benefit of the doubt.


peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

  

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Castro
Charter member
49910 posts
Thu Oct-21-21 02:12 PM

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81. "The silver lining is his madness finally brought the two families "
In response to Reply # 78


  

          

together for real.

I hope that being able to connect and heal with his birth family will act as a salve for the ish he has foisted upon you.

------------------
One Hundred.

  

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poetx
Charter member
58560 posts
Thu Oct-21-21 03:44 PM

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86. "this is very true. my wife said it was a divine appointment that she "
In response to Reply # 81


  

          

ran into his sister like that.

and they compared notes and found that we were all being played. they got to understand that we didn't try to separate them (jj1 and jj2) from their birth family. but we did cut ties b/c their birth mother was simply too much to deal with (whether she was in or out of jail). and bs1 said she had the same convo w/ her younger siblings about us, reminding them that through their different relative placements (w/ grandmothers, aunts, etc), their own grandmother and everyone else ALSO shut down birth-mom b/c she was toxic and manipulative and made it impossible for them to have peace.

and we got to explain that while we were hesitant, we didn't keep them away from them. but we'd ask the kids whether they wanted to see or talk to their birth family and they were always like, 'nah'. my wife is a child of divorce, so one thing she never did was villainize the birth family, because things are tough enough already.

>together for real.
>
>I hope that being able to connect and heal with his birth
>family will act as a salve for the ish he has foisted upon
>you.

yep. i'm hoping my middle daughter can have a relationship w/ them.

we also are highkey proud of their birth siblings for how much they've accomplished being raised in that environment, and how they have looked out for each other, even though they all been through some shit. that is really incredible and commendable what they've been able to do, and i'm glad to know that what our son was telling us about them were lies and they are doing something for themselves. and, in turn, they know that we ain't some monsters. smmfh.

so yeah, that part is good.

peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

  

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legsdiamond
Member since May 05th 2011
71593 posts
Thu Oct-21-21 03:27 PM

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82. "damn.. he sounds draining af"
In response to Reply # 78


          

****************
TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*

  

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handle
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17559 posts
Thu Oct-21-21 03:31 PM

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83. "Sometimes people do get better"
In response to Reply # 78


          

I've seen it, and I hope it happens for you.

Took me until I was 24 to start to straighten up.

------------


Gone: My Discogs collection for The Roots:
http://www.discogs.com/user/tomhayes-roots/collection

  

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poetx
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Thu Oct-21-21 03:51 PM

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87. "thank you. i'm so conflicted and hurt and torn up right now. "
In response to Reply # 83


  

          

like, what is the boundary from being ill, versus just being an asshole?

how much of what he is doing / has done / (will do?) is attributable to biology, trauma, etc., vs learned or innate character?



>I've seen it, and I hope it happens for you.
>
>Took me until I was 24 to start to straighten up.

thank you and thanks to everyone else who has shared. honestly, i'm

oh. he just called me.


peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

  

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Ashy Achilles
Member since Sep 22nd 2005
4113 posts
Thu Oct-21-21 03:52 PM

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88. "yup"
In response to Reply # 83


          

sounds like everyone has done what they can
but people do come around at times
that brain is still developing

  

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poetx
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Fri Oct-22-21 11:00 AM

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91. "thank you. for that. all things are possible. and i'll continue praying "
In response to Reply # 88


  

          

and hoping. but it's between him, God and the criminal justice system at this point. i'm beyond my capacity to help rn.


peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

  

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Johnny
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Thu Oct-21-21 06:46 PM

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89. "hope things get better"
In response to Reply # 0


          

hang in there, you sound like you're doing the best you can in an extremely difficult situation.

  

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poetx
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Fri Oct-22-21 10:24 PM

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94. "thank you very much. n/m"
In response to Reply # 89


  

          


peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

  

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poetx
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Fri Oct-22-21 10:58 AM

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90. "he called me yesterday (while i was writing reply #87). "
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

i thought about it. answered the phone.

bear in mind, when i helped him last, by letting him in to look for his insurance card, texting him to let him know his mom sent the info to him, and i asked him to let me know how his appointment went... silence, for 2 days. until the text asking what he had to do to come back, and what he should put down as his address for his PO. so i didn't respond to that. after a day he calls me:

"i just want to know, from what i asked in the text, what you thought about that."

me: *playing dumb* "in what way?"

him: "i know i messed up. what do i have to do to come back?"

me: *biting my tongue so i didn't say 'never' out loud* "what you did was not just one thing. or one day. there's no quick fix to it. how you even asking me what you need to do? what were the terms we set when all this happened?"

him: "i had to do my probation, and umm... stop smoking. and..."

me: "as soon as you came home after being arrested, we had multiple, long convos. never, really, in any of those conversations, did you commit to actually changing. we talked after your arrest. we talked *before* your court date, *after* your court date. whole time, it was like, yeah, i'ma do xyz to make this go quick. you never indicated an attempt to comply. in fact, a couple times you flat out said you weren't gonna stop"

him: "i'm *emphasis* ADDICTED to weed. i didn't have no control over that. if y'all have never known anyone with a substance problem, how can you judge me for not being able to stop it?"

RECORD SCRATCH.

enwurd, *I* would not be here now, in this marriage, and this family, if i did not go to AA for a month prior to my wedding and see just how real shit was. (i got married young. still wanted to drink and get high and do really dumb shit. being in that room w/ all of these mostly much older mfers who had *thoroughly* fucked their lives up convinced me quick fast that is not the road i wanted to travel).

my cousin as a crack (and alcohol ) addict. his life has been a cycle of trauma and recovery, trauma and recovery. we've been like brothers for a good part of our adult lives. he gets on a downward spiral, something happens to make him recognize it. goes to the VA. gets himself straight for weeks or months, and then goes back out into the world again to keep fighting his demons and make as much progress as he can, hoping each slip up is his last. or my uncle, who was always high, drunk and homeless, who used to stay with us when i was little, when it got really cold. before my peoples had to drive him back to the halfway house, or to the mental hospital if he was having a full breakdown.

or my WIFE whose stepdad, when she was 7, she saw shooting heroin in the kitchen when she came downstairs at night to get a snack. things started off good, then he used to beat her mom. was a whole ass heroin addict, but this ni&&a still managed to be functional with it and retire from bethlehem steel.

but i didn't say any of that shit because none of it was new. ALL of our kids have heard these stories, throughout life, b/c regardless of where we live now, we have NEVER fronted like where we are is where we came from, or that we haven't had problems, or seen the shit that we've warned them about firsthand. also, in his situation (j1), in the handful of very long (and intense, and often stupid) conversations we've had with him since we got that call in the middle of the damn night on easter, we've referenced EACH of these and other situations to him and he did nothing with it.

but now he got his schmooze / politicking voice on, asking me with a straight face what he has to do to come back -- and then he got the nerve to say that me 'not understanding' his 'addiction' (and i put that shit in quote marks on purpose) is a "smack in a face to him".

i was trying not to let myself be provoked. because he was also fishing around to see what his sister told us (ie, know the extent to which his lies had been unraveled). but that 'smack in the face' comment. at that point, i did slip a bit, and replied

me: "smack in the FACE? really? YOU are telling ME about a smack in the face? with all the shit that you have done to us?"

him: *deadpan* "how have i smacked you in the face? i never did anything intentionally?"

me: *slipping* "going around telling people that we abused you and were horrible parents to you?"

him: did (bs1) tell you that? what did she say?

me: *recovering* "MULTIPLE people have told us you've said that".

which is not a lie. he has said that to our oldest daughter, our oldest son, while trying to stir up factions against us in our own household, his former gf (who was like, he said such horrible things, but every time i was around y'all all i saw was love), to his birth siblings, and to whoknowsthefuckelse. prolly told this to all of the people who's couches he been crashing on until he's gotten kicked out.

all of that confirmed my suspicions that the timing of his text and call was triggered by

1- finding out we talked to his sister (and wanting to know whether we 'knew' that he been doing the same bullshit with them, and uncovering the lies he told on them). this is important, because he's trying to figure out how badly he's burned both sets of bridges

2- feeling us out to see if we are going to allow him back, so he can continue to use our address to maintain a veneer of respectability with the probation officer.

answer to that second one is HELL NO.

i'm super venting now.

i mention that he told us multiple times that he really had no intention of getting help or changing. i ask, if he was so concerned about being powerless in the face of almightly weed addiction (i didn't do the sarcasm) he didn't say anything to us when he failed the first test? the second? the third? or the two successful cheats?

i reminded him that *i* told him about all that shit up front. and got pissed when he was weighing my advice equally with whatever people he was talking to (prolly his dad, he had me thinking it was his siblings) who been locked up before. tawmbout, you get 4 or 5 strikes. told him at the time, "who thinks like that? if you worrying about how many times you can piss dirty and still be okay on probation, you are pretty much doomed to failure. if you really can't fathom the prospect of going a few months without smoking, you need to be in rehab and treatment off break. he responded at the time that it wasn't that deep, and he wasn't going to no hospital, anyway.

i asked yesterday about his assessment. he said it was tomorrow (today) morning. well what about the insurance shit from monday? that was just preliminary. this is the actual assessment. btw, my task worker (or whatever) says that unless i deal with the underlying trauma or whatever, i'm gonna keep smoking weed.

when i told that last part to my wife she said, "well he can move in with his ass then".

but basically, everything gets spun to no fault of his. and everything justifies what he does or doesn't do.

when talking about the appointment he said, 'and it's REMOTE' (inflection implying it's a bad thing).

when i offered multiple times (i have great insurance, and everyone in the fam can get up to 5 sessions a year for free), texted him phone numbers, urls an shit, taking away his accusation that we never got him help, he said, "i don't wanna do it virtually. i wanna be in person". this was before the arrest, early in the pandemic when shit was shutting down.

beggars. choosers.

point is, he don't want help. don't want to change.

after being tired of talking in circles for around 20-30 min, and he still this like a business deal ("so what do we have to do to get you to buy the vinyl windows?") i pointed out that in our conversations, he never takes responsibility for *anything*. he responds, "nobody knows how i feel more than me. but if you need to HEAR it. i'm sorry. i'm sorry for causing the whole family problems. i'm sorry for being a monster. i'm sorry for EXISTING."

me: nobody got a problem with you existing. but even now you're being dramatic. and you go straight from specific, concrete things you could be remorseful for, or recognize the impacts of, and go to blanket statements to shut down the whole discussion.


legs or somebody mentioned in the replies that he sounds draining af.

yep. that's a perfect description.

i'm feeling better though.

this is some shit.

those of y'all that pray, please pray for us (or continue praying for us). and thank you to all of you for the well wishes, support, sharing of similar situations, all of that. it has been greatly helpful to me.


peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

  

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poetx
Charter member
58560 posts
Fri Oct-22-21 02:50 PM

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92. "the cousin i just referenced in this reply just hit me up out the blue. "
In response to Reply # 90


  

          

it's been damn near 2 years. he hasn't been in a good cycle. he ended up having to have heart surgery in the middle of the pandemic. he was on a downward trend before that. he had lost his lady, suddenly. that sent him spiraling. in a short span in his young adult life he lost his (half) brother, father, brother, mother. grief on grief. loss is hard on anyone, but every loss is compounded for him.

he hit me up, out the blue. asked me if i could cashapp him something something. i got his temporary math in the phone, though, but he can only text via wi-fi when he outside the crib 'sharing' somebody connection. it's good to hear from him, though.

life is wild.


peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

  

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ThaTruth
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94805 posts
Sat Oct-23-21 12:52 PM

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95. "fam! ***hugs*** its crazy how similar our lives are, just kmow that your..."
In response to Reply # 92


          

posts are inspirational and help people like me who are too scared to post personal shit like you do online

________________________________________
"Stay out the dark, cause if I catch you when the sun is down..."
https://youtu.be/eaaTxVRG06c?t=89

  

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poetx
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Sat Oct-23-21 04:47 PM

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96. "*hugs you back*. "
In response to Reply # 95


  

          

>posts are inspirational and help people like me who are too
>scared to post personal shit like you do online

i'm tryna be the anti-ig, anti-fb with it. i post highs, sometimes. these lows are real, too, and like i said, y'all are therapy to me. but by the same token, people have shared some of their struggles and challenges and valley experiences with me over the years, and i've found that to be helpful, so if me being semi-transparent can help any of y'all, i'm blessed for it.

and trust, this ain't 35% of what we dealing with. i ain't out, in this case, to vilify my son. some details i share are illustrative. there's more that would just be overkill, or make it seem like i'm piling on. also, like i said, i'm semi-anonymous. so on the off-hand chance somebody know me, or can put two and two together, i'm circumspect on what details i share.

but thanks for the love and i'm glad that the stuff i'm talking about resonates, and hopefully we all get something out of this that gives us some solutions, or at least makes the shit we going through more bearable.


peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

  

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ThaTruth
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94805 posts
Wed Oct-27-21 07:59 AM

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99. "My mother used to say "There's always somebody worse off than you."..."
In response to Reply # 96


          

whenever I was feeling bad about my situation or my "first world problems" at the end of the day I always had my health, a roof over my head and food in the refrigerator. I live in a nice downtown apartment but its easy to walk outside and see a disabled person living on a cardboard box asking for change to bring things into perspective.

________________________________________
"Stay out the dark, cause if I catch you when the sun is down..."
https://youtu.be/eaaTxVRG06c?t=89

  

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jimi
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4572 posts
Wed Oct-27-21 08:00 AM

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100. "the hell?!???!?!"
In response to Reply # 92


  

          

dude, I'm stressed out for you reading all this..

Stay up

and keep that mind at peace... I don't know how you do it but I commend you sir..

Thanks for sharing .. it's raw and it's real.

I have a nephew going through the mental stuff.. and what surprised me was what you mentioned earlier... Weed could actually trigger that shit and in his case, it did..

it is definitely draining..

and yes, life is definitely wild..

  

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jaboonday
Member since Aug 09th 2002
11292 posts
Wed Oct-27-21 01:21 AM

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98. "I sometimes think if there's anything my kids could do"
In response to Reply # 0


          

that would make me get to the point where I can't have them in my house anymore. It's easy to think when your kids are young that they'll stay sweet and innocent forever, but we all know that ain't how things turn out.

So all that to say, I know this ain't something you lightly considered, and my heart aches for you, your family, and for your son. I'll be praying for y'all.

__________________________________________
Twitter: https://twitter.com/jaboonday

R.I.P. Dilla 1974-2006

  

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legsdiamond
Member since May 05th 2011
71593 posts
Wed Oct-27-21 08:02 AM

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101. "right? my kids are mad young but I grew up with older sisters"
In response to Reply # 98


          

and once kids hit 15 I think thats when they start pushing boundaries

to this day my older sister thinks I got away with murder and was treated like royalty.

nah.. I just watched my older sisters piss off my mom over dumb shit and I made sure not to do what they did.

One time my sister came home after curfew drunk and stomped up the stairs and woke my mom up and all hell broke loose. My mom was hot. Her room was in the attic so you could sneak in and she wouldn’t know but my sister was sloppy. She screamed “you wanted to get caught! If you were smart you would memorize the steps that squeak and skip over them like I did when I was your age”

Soooooo…. I memorized the steps that squeaked and walked in like a ninja, lol.

****************
TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*

  

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Ryan M
Member since Oct 21st 2002
41625 posts
Thu Oct-28-21 02:55 PM

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102. "I'm not a parent, so take this with a grain of salt."
In response to Reply # 98


  

          

But there does come a point where a parent keeping their kids in the house is doing more harm than good. Best intentions and all that - but I've seen it from my parents. At some point, they realized they were actually hurting my brother's development by allowing him to stay there. It's not necessarily about something he did or didn't do - it's that they're actively blocking him from developing into an adult.

And that's not to say that happens to everyone of course. There's certainly cultural nuances to all this as well. But speaking from MY experience, my brother was really hurting his own development by living with my parents and there was no way he was going to come to that realization on his own.

------------------------------

17x NBA Champions

  

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calij81
Member since Jan 17th 2007
12783 posts
Thu Oct-28-21 03:39 PM

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103. "I used to feel the same way until I had kids"
In response to Reply # 102


          

My daughter is 3 and my son is 1 and while I agree, I don’t know how I’ll feel when they are older.

  

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poetx
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Fri Oct-29-21 07:26 PM

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105. "remember, we got 6. our oldest 2 had to launch and relaunch. "
In response to Reply # 102


  

          

my oldest (my daughter, c1), went to school, graduated, landed a 'dream job' right out of school, in the area. we told her she could stay w/ us for a bit to stack before making a move. she got a really nice apartment. she made good $$, but it went to living. and the dream job turned out not to be so dreamy. shit went south, and she cycled through a couple of make due jobs. ultimately she came home and lived w/ us for about a year or so (her old room was still there). she stacked (liked we initially counseled), she found her current job, moved out. now she's married, doing very well.

as she was going through this, and after she 'relaunched', we explained that we understood she was an adult, and even though she had left, we were still good w/ her coming back for a bit in order to get it together to launch successfully, which is the goal. we never made her feel bad about it. we knew she felt bad enough on her own. but it's hard out there. she did what she needed to do, and she's the better off for it. we were glad to be in position to help her.

w/ my oldest son, he dropped out of college (while working on his app, but he talked himself out of being 'college material')... about an hour away from us, in greenville, he took over paying for his apartment, got a job (selling cars), and did as much as he could to be self-sufficient. after a couple of years (and a new dealership) he realized that was dead end (they dropped their commissions down to like $50 / car for what used to be hundreds), and he had some other issues to deal with. this was right as i got laid off. he came home to try and help me launch my business. did that until i was like, this ain't gonna support us both. he got his feet under him, and moved to va, on his own.

in both of those cases, they wanted to be on their own and self-sufficient, and had to come back home for a minute, in order to launch for real.

throughout the whole time we were in our other kids' ears explaining what was up, and that, if they didn't want to go to college, they would have to work, but they were welcome to stay home for a few years and we would help them to transition to adulthood. we told them all, numerous times, about our transition to being on our own, including all the pitfalls we ran into (credit, housing, etc).

we've put a lot of thought into it. and are continually talking about our approach.

for our oldest two, it worked.

my next oldest (middle son), graduated last summer. he's still trying to find a career job. (he's had about four or five positions where he's gotten to the third interview and not gotten it. on interview #2 w/ another one now... ). he's ready to go.

my youngest two (daughters) are working, every day. we're working w/ them and preparing them. (although our baby girl said she got NO intention of leaving. her room is laid out).

peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

  

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poetx
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58560 posts
Fri Oct-29-21 06:23 PM

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104. "saw this reply the other day. couldn't answer then. "
In response to Reply # 98


  

          

>that would make me get to the point where I can't have them
>in my house anymore. It's easy to think when your kids are
>young that they'll stay sweet and innocent forever, but we all
>know that ain't how things turn out.

*deep sigh*.

like, i can't even explain to you how tight our family is/was. but the dynamic been off for about two years, since my son started (continued?) spiraling.

the energy when all of us get together is wild. we just enjoy our time together, even though my oldest two are up and have started their own families.

i would have been hard pressed to think of what any of our kids could do to end up here. i couldn't have made this shit up out of my imagination.

>
>So all that to say, I know this ain't something you lightly
>considered, and my heart aches for you, your family, and for
>your son. I'll be praying for y'all.

thank you. i deeply appreciate your prayers.

we started out doing a first past of cleaning out his room. won't get into the description.

this is a painful step for us. i told my wife it's like one of those fans with three settings: i keep flipping from anger to sadness to to numbness, cycling through them all over and over.

all his mementos (various team jerseys and posters on the wall, trophies, certificates and such), we folded neatly and carefully and put away in a couple of drawers. all the clothes we put into several clear trash bags. any training equipment or anything like that that he still might be able to use, we put in boxes. lot of shit we just straight threw away. if you had stuff you really wanted and needed it shouldn't have been under piles of stuff you ain't touched in 2 years.

the stuff we packed up for him we'll put in the basement.

this could be a lot worse, though, so it's sad, but we're just pushing through. hopefully this is the thing that makes him seek help / feel remorse / make a change. if not, it was prolly inevitable.

i really appreciate your prayers and concerns.

peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

  

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vik
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Fri Oct-29-21 09:45 PM

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106. "You are peobably the most thoughtful poster on these boards"
In response to Reply # 104


  

          

I appreciate you and really hope the best for you and your son.

---

But hell, what do I know?

  

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beeinfinite
Member since Oct 20th 2021
195 posts
Wed Nov-10-21 04:45 PM

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108. "i did so many stupid things when i was young"
In response to Reply # 0


          

that i still think about and regret

noone could pull me off the road i was on as i was one of the put your hand on the stove to find out its hot individuals

the best thing my folks ever did for me was to kick me out because it forced me to be responsible for my actions and choices

hope your son reaches a place where he can reflect on his past after it made him a better man

  

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poetx
Charter member
58560 posts
Wed Nov-24-21 12:34 PM

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113. "thanks. "
In response to Reply # 108


  

          

>that i still think about and regret
>
>noone could pull me off the road i was on as i was one of the
>put your hand on the stove to find out its hot individuals
>
>the best thing my folks ever did for me was to kick me out
>because it forced me to be responsible for my actions and
>choices

one of the hardest decisions we've ever had to make. but we can't be a safety net if he ain't even trying to walk the tightrope. just climbing all the way up and jumping off like, 'wheeeeeeee'. meanwhile, our net getting loose and frayed from catching him to the point that if we keep this up, it won't be here for us or for his siblings that's TRYING to do right. nah.

>
>hope your son reaches a place where he can reflect on his past
>after it made him a better man

hope so. this won't be no overnight transition/transformation, tho. he committed to burning the shit out of his hand at every point now, it seems.


peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

  

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infin8
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10352 posts
Mon Nov-15-21 04:57 PM

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109. "it's a long game"
In response to Reply # 0
Mon Nov-15-21 04:59 PM by infin8

  

          

don't give up.

IG: amadu_me

"...Whateva, man..." (c) Redman

  

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poetx
Charter member
58560 posts
Wed Nov-24-21 12:05 AM

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110. "welp. won't be no disney ending and reconciliation before thanksgiving. "
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

2 weeks ago he called and wanted to pick up his stuff. we had already cleaned out his room. (like deep cleaned the carpet, removed like 4 big yard waste sized bags of clothes that were just piled all over the place, a whole laundry bin full of shoes).

we had put the bags in the basement. brought them upstairs when he got there.

i told him that all of his mementos and stuff (jerseys from his hs team, all the different basketball camps he went to, the five different AAU teams he played for, trophies, pictures and shit) was all folded up neatly in the bottom two dresser drawers.

it was tough, and he prolly felt some kinda way (like we didn't). he wants another bag and takes all of his keepsakes and shit. i told him, we not trying to erase you, which is why we took care to take care of anything that looked meaningful.

he asked for another big bag and put ALL of that into it.

so we helped him put the 5 big ass bags in his car. i still don't know what his living situation is and i was thinking, if his car get repoed (we not helping this time), or if he crashing at somebody else's spot, ain't no room for all that. i offered to let him dig through the bags for what he needed (seasonal ish, b/c it's starting to get cold) and we'd store the rest in the basement. nope.

ok. it don't hurt me.


a week later, i don't know why, but he came past the crib. i talked to him outside in the light rain for about 45 min. thought it was a good convo. he's saying he knows he needs to change. i ask if he's gone to any counseling. he said just the group sessions (daily at like 10:30). and only two of them. he's missed the rest, but they don't take attendance. it's just that if you don't go to enough, you don't get marked as completing it. i asked if he's done a mental health assessment. nope. not yet.

i tell him, again, he still covered under my insurance, and everyone in the family can get up to 5 FREE mental health sessions per year, virtually. he like, 'nah, i wanna see someone in person'. with your unvaccinated ass in the middle of pandemic? they don't want to see you. but i don't say that out loud.

i ask where he staying. here and there. some w/ his biological(paternal) grandmother. but she's in assisted living. ookkay. i bring up the vaccine thing again. like, you could literally kill her even if you are asymptomatic. he'll think about it.

pssh.

w/ her, though, the place closes down early and she can't have visitors staying over for too many nights in succession. that ain't gonna end well. and if she live in senior living apts, you KNOW some nosey old lady gonna snitch if she see him bringing in 5 big ass grinch bags worth of clothes. but he know everything...

peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

  

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poetx
Charter member
58560 posts
Wed Nov-24-21 12:18 AM

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111. "fast forward to last friday, he calls me out of the blue. "
In response to Reply # 110


  

          

"uhh, hey, it's j1, i'm just giving you a call to let you know, uh, in case anything happens. my dad*** just got arrested again. and i was staying in a hotel w/ him and his gf on (redacted) ave, downtown. i think somebody snitched on him. i don't know if i'll be able to go to the hotel to get my stuff".

me: "oh. your stuff is down there"

him: "yeah. since i didn't have nowhere else to stay"

me: *ignores that shit*

him: "so i'm just letting you know. i don't know if they're looking for me, so, just in case anything happens, letting y'all know"

me: "ok" (*thinking: this the second time your birth father been locked up that i know of in the last 4 mos and you still hanging with him)

he goes on to tell me that he gave $1,000 to the mom of one of the kids he used to coach / train (thing #5017 i've told him that he ignored, don't be fucking w/ the mothers of kids you be coaching - but that explains why he would always be over in that neighborhood. shit makes no sense. they all ignant for this. the 'kid' in question is an 18 or 19yo h.s. senior. no fucking way i'm dealing with someone 5 yrs older than my child and i met them through my child??)

i think bad decisions have their own gravitational pull.

also, you got a stack of dirty money (i know you ain't working).

anyway, he says he'll call me back if everything is okay.

11:30p: him: i got my stuff. i'm okay.

me: good.

nothing else to say. i got nothing to do with this shit.

he must have been nervous, because he calls my oldest daughter (c1), and, found out today, my oldest son (c2), and my middle daughter (his birth sister, J2). oldest daughter called us on saturday night, HEATED. she had been trying to check on him for several weeks. radio silence. calls, texts ignored. then out the blue he calls her up and tells her what he told me. complete w/ the expectant pauses, like any of us is gonna take his consistently parole violating ass in b/c his dumbass birth father got locked up again.




peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

  

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poetx
Charter member
58560 posts
Wed Nov-24-21 12:51 AM

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112. "my wife and i hear from our oldest son (c2) today. he's heated. J1 calle..."
In response to Reply # 111


  

          

him, too. talking crazy.

basically, confirmed the vibe that i got from the convo w/ him that he still is putting this shit on us (i didn't have anywhere to stay, so of course the logical thing to do was to move in with my habitual offender, already arrested at least once this summer bio-father AND sell for/with him).

on the phone w/ C2, he shared that 'his stuff' he had to pick up from the hotel was not just his clothes, but drugs. C2 lost it. like, wtf is wrong with you? how you gonna tell me it made sense to go live with him and sell. why can't you just get a fucking job? when i (c2) was working at the car dealership i got evicted and was too prideful to tell anybody. i slept in my car for 2 nights. why you ain't sleep in your car till you figured it out?

J1: i can't sleep in my car. that's a parole violation.

THIS IS A WALK AWAY FROM THE PHONE / KEYBOARD MOMENT. being homeless is a parole violation, but you kept smoking. kept selling. kept associating w/ criminals. cheated the test. lied repeatedly to your PO. but admitting to sleeping in your car is a bridge too far.

and what kinda wack ass drug dealer can't make enough to stay in one of them 30 dollar a night hotels?

oh. i forgot. his PO came to the crib on sunday. (it's always sunday). asked for mr. (lastname). *sigh*. I'M mr. (lastname). me: "you mean J1? he's not here. "

i think for a bit. (this is 2 days after the call about his birth father getting locked up again).

me: "he doesn't live here anymore".

PO: "did he leave on his own or was he kicked out" (he could prolly read my face)

me: "kicked out"

PO: *fishing* "what did he do?"

me: "I'm not getting into all of that w/ you. he doesn't live here anymore"

PO: "how long ago was it?"

me: "recent"

him: "like last week?"

me: "yeah". (if *like* means 1 week or 6 weeks. wtfe. he ain't here)

yeah. i gave him more info than i had to. but if J1 ain't here, or if he fucks up and gets a warrant on him, i don't want them coming around here looking for him, and especially not endangering my son C3 (middle son, graduated college, still with us until he leave for japan in april).

but i wasn't gonna gift wrap the situation either.

later that night...

phone call from J1: uh, my PO just called. you told him y'all kicked me out.

me: YES. (ignoring the implicit, what'd you do that for, because fuck that)

him: when did you say it was? (wanting to get his story straight)

me: last week.

him: ok.

me: i told you when we first kicked you out that you needed to figure out what you were gonna tell your PO. i ain't lying to the cops to cover for you, and i told you that, too.

him: yeah. i was trying to figure out how to handle that. and never got around to it. (translation: lied to his PO about this, and was prolly stalling and thinking he could talk himself back home by the time things came due). PO was here the sunday prior, also, but we weren't home.

me: ok. well i guess you gotta deal with it now. bye.


this is kind of the crux. we had suspected all along that he only was staying here to be able to use us / our address / this community as cover for the probation officer. we knew that going in. we thought / hoped / prayed, that the time here would allow us to talk to him, for him to reflect on what he'd done, get on a good path. NOPE.

in retrospect, i'm even more heated. b/c the shit that went down last week confirmed what his birth sister had said, that he was most likely selling for his birth father (not her father. different father).

i told him as soon as he came home after being arrested that he couldn't have any association (under the law, let alone our rules) w/ anyone selling, or on probation or any of that shit.

and he was going back and forth over there the whole time. and that's where he ran to when i finally told him he had to go.

my wife and i, up to last friday, were kind of down, leading into the holiday. our oldest son (c2) and his wife and our grandson were coming down from VA. our oldest daughter (c1) and her husband were gonna swing through (they live around 30 min away but we don't see each other that much). my youngest daughters (J2,c4) and middle son (c3) would be here. only one missing would be j1. we wanted to get a family picture updated for the new in-laws and our grandson. but there would be a blank spot.

but this has reminded us that there will be a blank spot for a good ass reason.

*** one last thing to get off my chest. that 'my dad' shit irks the fuck outta me. it might be petty. idgaf. a 'dad' is someone who raised you. that's different from a father, biological or otherwise. this ain't new. same shit applies for step-parents, adoptive, whatever. that definition is known in our family. not in relation to us, but in shit we see. my wife was abandoned by her 'father'. that nigga is not her 'dad'. several other people, same situation. so him calling this nigga his 'dad' is just extra. he was locked up from your 4th birthday till your 18th. and been arrested several times since then. doing the same dumb shit that got him knocked as a habitual offender. and your shit been in a downward spiral since trying to make that connection.

i've accomplished a LOT in life. but there's a lot of areas where i fall short. but for damn sure, all of my kids know the bar for me and my wife is that our kids are BETTER than us. do better, be better. that's the expectation. the hope. the fervent prayers.

despite all these ups and downs i've chronicled over the last (checks... ) SIX weeks, this has been the most peaceful the crib has been for the last three years.





peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

  

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ThaTruth
Charter member
94805 posts
Wed Nov-24-21 02:52 PM

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114. "I feel and can relate to ALL of this shit, fam. Stay strong. n/m."
In response to Reply # 112


          

________________________________________
"Stay out the dark, cause if I catch you when the sun is down..."
https://youtu.be/eaaTxVRG06c?t=89

  

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Johnny
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4370 posts
Wed Nov-24-21 06:47 PM

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115. "enjoy the holidays fam"
In response to Reply # 112


          


from reading this whole post your doing a great job.

  

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Ashy Achilles
Member since Sep 22nd 2005
4113 posts
Wed Nov-24-21 10:31 PM

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116. "stay up, man"
In response to Reply # 112


          

i hope things stay peaceful at home for a while

  

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poetx
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58560 posts
Thu Nov-25-21 01:01 AM

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117. "RE: replies 114, 115, 116, 109, and any others i didn't directly reply t..."
In response to Reply # 116


  

          

THANK Y'ALL.

this helps. helps me getting it off my chest (reading back, i'm all over the place), and your thoughts, prayers, encouragements, commiserations, advice and all of that have been super helpful to me.

y'all have a great holiday** if you do that, be safe and be blessed.

** i could give a damn about some pilgrims and all that nonsense, but i will take the two days of paid time off and a chance for a good meal and family time.


peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

  

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jimi
Charter member
4572 posts
Wed Dec-01-21 01:58 PM

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122. "Thank You for sharing and for being vulnerable!! "
In response to Reply # 117


  

          

I'm learning through you, man..

Stay up! and keep it up.. You and the wife are doing the best that you can despite the circumstances..

Peace

  

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IsaIsaIsa
Member since May 01st 2008
5713 posts
Tue Nov-30-21 05:35 PM

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120. "Sheesh"
In response to Reply # 110


          

www.Tupreme.com

https://ibb.co/k4m6n8C

  

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ToeJam
Charter member
2051 posts
Fri Nov-26-21 04:34 PM

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118. "Write the poem rn"
In response to Reply # 0


          

  

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janey
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123119 posts
Mon Nov-29-21 01:14 PM

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119. "RE: so i kicked my son out the house the other night. how y'all doin? "
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

I'm so sorry to hear that. You and your wife are such good parents. Hang in there.


~ ~ ~
All meetings end in separation
All acquisition ends in dispersion
All life ends in death
- The Buddha

|\_/|
='_'=

Every hundred years, all new people

  

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eclipsedInI
Member since Jul 29th 2002
92845 posts
Wed Dec-01-21 01:41 PM

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121. "as someone with 3 younger brothers who've sold..."
In response to Reply # 0


          

and or still sell, and have done stints in jail/prison.

I feel you on how very fucking hard this all is and I pray for you and your son

mines were pushing all sorts of shit and yet *knocks on wood*

have had close calls with death & the law

he's in a phase that's the most dangerous where he's picking up the weight he'll be holding for the rest of his life.

He's decided that this current weight of selling weed, smoking to excess and disrespecting you and your family is enough for him to deal with.

Sad part is, he'll eventually regret all of this when all of his roads/bridges are burned and he's finally able to look back.

it's harsh to kick him out, but necessary. You could dig all the way in, but what use would that be? Would he want change? Probably not

It's on him and you showing him that is all you can do at this point.

_____________________
puttin' the roota in the toota since 98'

  

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