2. "I like the term "life choice" because I don't really think as "sacrifice..." In response to Reply # 1 Wed Sep-01-21 02:48 PM by FLUIDJ
And I also don't think in terms of "make things work".....but I know what you mean....
Life Choice 1 Early on: Leaving my hometown 2 days after graduating from college and moving to the DMV to live with my then girlfriend. She had accepted a job in DC and moved up here at the end of the prior summer (I graduated in December of 1999). I packed all my shit up, borrowed my uncles pickup truck and made 3 roundtrips back and forth between NC & DC over the course of 3 days moving every bit of the life I'd known. I didn't have job or anything close to a job offer. Just a degree, a grip of spending money, and a lot of blind courage. Little did I know that 20+ years later we both think living and raising our kids in NC might have been a better move....but damn...we've had 20+ years of memories up here in the DMV...so there's that too...
Life Choice 2: Mid 2000's I really really wanted to follow my ultimate dream of becoming a licensed Architect...which required I get ANOTHER degree but this time it needed to be a Master's of Architecture instead of my BS in Engineering. So I applied to and got accepted to the BAC (Boston Architectural College)...I mean...they have a 100% acceptance rate..but still it was a major move and leap. Ultimately I decided NOT to go. My wife had just landed a Federal job after completing her Master's degree program at UMD and switched careers completely from engineering to her current field in the Fed Gov... so I didn't think it would be fair or comfortable for either of us to be apart or have her back out of her new job just so I could drop more money and get into deeper debt getting a masters degree in Architecture AND the many years it would take AFTER that to get into a solid career groove. Little did I know that 10+ years later (now) I'd have a pretty decent career in the Federal Gov. myself AND a decent side business designing homes despite NOT being a registered architect. I've got a good 10+ residences that I can drive by and proudly say that I designed them and the families that live in them are enjoying their dream home because of my designs...so that's a good feeling...
Life Choice 3: Having kids....verdict is still out on that though ! lol...
4. "sex with other people?" In response to Reply # 1
-The Knicks’ coaching search still includes a lone frontrunner, Kurt Rambis, whose qualifications for the position include a strong relationship with Jackson and a willingness to take the job.
8. "I mighta thought that for like a hot second...but honestly, hooking up w..." In response to Reply # 4
WORK back in the 90's. No social media, no internet like that, cell phones cost $$$, highways topped out at like 60MPH, I was in a small town, etc.....lol... So being boo'd up and married was a come up for a young Black man fresh out of college with no money and no game....I mean...I probably had game...but it wasn't GAME game... We didn't have to go NO where....just go to work and come home and we had/have each other.
"Get ready....for your blessing....." "Bury me by my Grand-Grand and when you can come follow me"
legsdiamond Member since May 05th 2011 79586 posts
Wed Sep-01-21 03:02 PM
3. "congrats fam!!! Black Love!! " In response to Reply # 0
**************** TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*
6. "Ours are 4 & 8 right now. The past 3.5 years have been mentally draining" In response to Reply # 5
for both of us. But not on some "strain on the marriage" or "lowest point"...but more like we have had very very very little to NO time to really be a married couple, ESPECIALLY over the past year with the Rona. So I'd definitely state that these have been the most "unfun" marriage years....only slightly balanced by the fun of raising two kids...but honestly even THAT hasn't been fun over the past year.
Sometimes....no OFTEN we wonder if we'd be better able to enjoy these current years if we'd had kids waaaay earlier in our marriage. But on the flip side, nearly everyone we know that got married in the same time frame as we did and had kids immediately are now divorced..and they were ROUGH divorces too...and they divorced when their kids were under 8 years (with the exception of 1). So from that aspect I guess we made it over some kinda milestone divorce hump??
"Get ready....for your blessing....." "Bury me by my Grand-Grand and when you can come follow me"
12. "Hard question to answer…. But real talk, kids wouldn’t be at the top" In response to Reply # 11
Of our list. I know that’s not the PC thing to say or think…. But I think kids are easily a separable entity from marriage. They are not necessarily a required by-product of it or sole mission.
So, if I had to pick one thing it’s the fact that there’s someone that was down to commit to me and that I was down to commit to without hesitation. No second guessing or hemming and hawing. We clicked from the day we met, not on some love first site steez either…. Just clicked and built from there. When the time came for matrimony, There was no need for us to seek outside council, advice, blessing or any of that. We decided, set the ball in motion and told folks that we wanted to celebrate with to get on the train or bounce.
"Get ready....for your blessing....." "Bury me by my Grand-Grand and when you can come follow me"
13. "Congrats. Anniversary gifts, yea or nay? If yea, what was your favorite?" In response to Reply # 0
<-- Dave Thomas knows what's up... __________________________
Jay: Look here homie, any nigga can get a hit record. This here is about respect. Game: Like Gladys Knight. Jay: Aretha Franklin. Game: Word, I like her too. Jay: Nigga...
17. "Tips on loving someone through changes? " In response to Reply # 0
How do you two navigate hair loss, weight gain, low libido, high libido, death, job loss, mental health shift, and medical issues?
I notice most couples cannot weather any normal human grown folk change. People are quick to break up, divorce or separate for things that are almost inevitable in a long term relationship.
How do you two manage to stay strong and united through life's ups and downs?
First thing I'll mention since it's something that's remained constant for us is that we never subscribed to that whole "Have your own interests, keep separate friends, etc.". Probably to a fault, we've always presented and moved as a unit....
It sounds cliche but I gotta say patience has played a huge role. And patience is something I personally have struggled with my entire life....always anxious for what's next... But my wife on the other hand is VERY patient... And that's not to say that she puts up with bullshit.... She will call out the bullshit but is patient enough to work through resolution...but fortunately that's never been an issue....
My lack of patience pushes me towards action and her patience tempers my actions and brings a sort of balance. So that's how patience plays into the logistics component of our marriage.
The "normal human grown folk changes"...... I don't know that it's anything intentional or that we took direction action on. We don't allow for a lot of external influences which is helpful. We aren't big on social media which is something I've seen take a toll on many couples over the past few years. We are rather private and don't really have a large social circle.
We navigate everything as a single unit though...that's huge for us. We eat meals together ritually since the day we began living together. We split shared finances right down the middle (Joint account & separate personal accounts). We make major decisions together after thoughtful discussion. We understand that everything each of us does affects the other.
Of the specific examples you listed, here's where we are on the applicable ones:
Weight Gain: We support and encourage each other towards being healthy. We do what we can to allow each other to get sufficient exercise. This is probably the biggest current struggle...but not from a physical attraction standpoint...more from a self consciousness and positive self image aspect. As we've gotten older (and add in kids in the mix) it's been more difficult to maintain the physiques that we'd prefer to have...so accepting that we're in our mid 40's and not mid 20's is what we're moving on right now.
Low/High Libido: Just power through and remember our commitments to each other. This is probably the lowest tier "issue" for us...not because we're always in sync...but because in the grand scheme of things it's just a fraction of what constitutes our marriage.
Mental Health Shift: We try to be conscious and aware of each other's highs and lows. A lot of this comes with simply being a couple for such a long time as it becomes 2nd nature to pick up on each others swings.
Medical Issues: This is probably something I fear the most I think as we're getting older. Fortunately there hasn't been anything too major to deal with. This is something we're beginning to talk about more now though. Ultimately we intend to hold to the whole "In sickness and in health" mantra.
One thing you didn't mention though....kids...KIDS yo. People don't seem to talk about this enough but kids REALLY change the dynamic of things and present challenges that I don't think folks talk about enough. Our kids are young so we're still learning how to navigate this. Just finding time to exist together for a few moments that doesn't involve anything related to kids.
22. "Congratulations and thank you for this. We have 2 kids (2 and 1) and..." In response to Reply # 0
have been married for 5 years. We have been together for almost 10 and are very close. Kids change everything. For me, since the majority of our time having kids has been during COVID, it has been really isolating and disheartening at times. We struggle to find time to just be with each other. We went to the movies yesterday (during naptime with a Grand watching the kids. LOL) and it was refreshing. Reading your answers and knowing that the difficulties are not ours alone and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel is very helpful. Thanks again.
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