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Lobby General Discussion topic #13437967

Subject: "do you ever wait for the hammer to fall?" Previous topic | Next topic
rdhull
Charter member
32433 posts
Fri Jul-23-21 01:46 PM

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"do you ever wait for the hammer to fall?"


  

          

Like when things are going way too good, feeling like 'ok, this has to stop somewhere and now a bad thing is going to even it out'?

  

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Topic Outline
Subject Author Message Date ID
therapy solved this for me
Jul 23rd 2021
therapy solved this for me
Jul 23rd 2021
1
hammer already fell
Jul 23rd 2021
2
you mean, like….
Jul 23rd 2021
3
RE: you mean, like….
Jul 23rd 2021
4
      when I fly…
Jul 28th 2021
10
Story of my life!
Jul 23rd 2021
5
always
Jul 23rd 2021
6
I wonder if growing up poor and/or Black plays a huge role
Jul 25th 2021
7
and this post reminds me of the show Lincoln Heights
Jul 25th 2021
8
I wouldn't say waiting.
Jul 25th 2021
9

tomjohn29
Member since Oct 18th 2004
16597 posts
Fri Jul-23-21 02:04 PM

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"therapy solved this for me"


  

          

______________________________________

Navem nu, cuando sol
Tutu nu, vondo nos nu
Vita em, no continous non
Nos nu ekta nos sepe ta, amen

When the sun shades the ship
We sweat and life is not safe
To swim or to touch not
When we unite we hedge amen

  

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tomjohn29
Member since Oct 18th 2004
16597 posts
Fri Jul-23-21 02:04 PM

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1. "therapy solved this for me"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

______________________________________

Navem nu, cuando sol
Tutu nu, vondo nos nu
Vita em, no continous non
Nos nu ekta nos sepe ta, amen

When the sun shades the ship
We sweat and life is not safe
To swim or to touch not
When we unite we hedge amen

  

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luminous
Charter member
11720 posts
Fri Jul-23-21 02:07 PM

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2. "hammer already fell"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

--
Sometimes you have to look reality in the face and say 'No!'
-Ben (Reaper)

  

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Trinity444
Charter member
41647 posts
Fri Jul-23-21 02:11 PM

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3. "you mean, like…."
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

things going so well something bad must be about to happen?

  

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rdhull
Charter member
32433 posts
Fri Jul-23-21 08:22 PM

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4. "RE: you mean, like…."
In response to Reply # 3


  

          

>things going so well something bad must be about to happen?
>
ya lol

  

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Trinity444
Charter member
41647 posts
Wed Jul-28-21 09:17 AM

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10. "when I fly…"
In response to Reply # 4


  

          

the whole time I’m thinking how I don’t want my life to end by plane crash. I’m good once we land.

It’s a control thing, for me…

  

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Cold Truth
Member since Jan 28th 2004
42316 posts
Fri Jul-23-21 09:50 PM

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5. "Story of my life! "
In response to Reply # 0
Fri Jul-23-21 09:55 PM by Cold Truth

  

          

Even now, after a decade of things being mostly good, though imperfect, my brain treats good situations like I'm walking into a haunted cave in the middle of the demon woods, on the bank of the vampire river:

RUN, MOTHERFUCKER!

To this day I feel uncomfortable as fuck in a fresh outfit with new shoes. It's just odd and antithetical.

The problem there is, it can become very hard to determine if a negative outcome is a result of the natural order of things, or a self fulfilling prophecy.

I did a major upgrade to my studio gear. I got shit that I used to be envious of, and could only dream about. Every time I get anything new that presents a significant upgrade, depression and doubt kicks it.

Shit, I know a rapper who was on the grammy list this year. He didn't win, but his album was under consideration. He's got features with major players. He's a thing and I absolutely think he's on his way to mainstream stardom.

I have an in there, but that rush of excitment is snuffed out by self-doubt. Shit he offered to buy five joints years ago, but I felt he low balled me on the price and like a loser, I didn't do it.

My wife's got a lifelong friend who is already a known commodity as a singer. She's got joints with megastars. She gave me the green light to submit years ago. As long as Lebron has been a Laker, i've had that option.

I'm not name dropping here, or bragging. Everyone has some sort of connection. The point is, I have them, and I have a skill I could maximize and profit from, but that wait for that hammer kills it immediately.

That shit is a plague, but it's almost an addiction unto itself. I don't *want* that feeling. But since I'm so used to it, a piece of me craves it, as though the situation is a dissonant chord waiting for that resolution.

This car accident, while it fucking sucks, feels right at home. A piece of me feels all too comfortable with it, and while there are moments where I'm pondering my mortality in relation to my family and close relationships, this shit is oddly right as rain.

The paradox here, to use that term loosely, is that I have a keen understanding of what the issues are. I know the underlying root causes, I have the official diagnosis- PTSD and bipolar(or borderline personality, more specifically, there is some disupute between two seperate doctors there, but they're both in agreement that they may be splitting hairs- I have the prescription, I know the steps I need to take in order to course correct all of that.

But that doesn't feel right.
That feels off.
Askew. Again, dissonant.

Right now there's a bit of fire in my belly, as a result of the accident, but I know that one too. I feel that burn to fix this, that, and the other about myself, and I visualize the end result.

Something inevitably comes to snuff that flame, and that's where the self fulfilling prophecy comes in: whatever that something is, I recognize it every time, and I know what I need to do to stop it. Too often, I welcome it, like that old friend you really don't like, but that familiarity is oh so comforting.

Right now, I still want to kick it to the curb.

I realize this is waaaaay the fuck more than you or anyone asked for.

But it's definitely a day for getting things off my chest, and I appreciate the platform to just run with it.

  

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Mynoriti
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36531 posts
Fri Jul-23-21 10:10 PM

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6. "always"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

i mean there are plenty of moments and good times in-between but it's pretty much default mode

--------
http://ambitiondeficitdisorder.tumblr.com/

  

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legsdiamond
Member since May 05th 2011
70745 posts
Sun Jul-25-21 12:02 PM

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7. "I wonder if growing up poor and/or Black plays a huge role"
In response to Reply # 0


          

in viewing life this way.

Do rich kids grow up thinking like this or are their hammers just shallow af?

On some “I told daddy I wanted a BMW and he got me a Benz, I hate my life!” steez

Now that I have finally “made it” to solid middle class I found myself waiting for the worst and good shit kept happening in my career and finances. After a few years I simply realized that “money/class” really makes a difference.

Unexpected bills that used to be “dayumn, I just got money.. life sucks, God is a comedian” is now simply a bill that is paid and I quickly move on.

****************
TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*

  

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legsdiamond
Member since May 05th 2011
70745 posts
Sun Jul-25-21 12:08 PM

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8. "and this post reminds me of the show Lincoln Heights"
In response to Reply # 0


          

Wife and I binged this and it was incredible how every other show would and with laughter and celebration only to have someone walk in or call with some bad news.

and now that I think about it Black sitcoms with poor families used this hammer drop formula.

Sanford and Son and Good Times come to mind.

****************
TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*

  

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tariqhu
Charter member
16107 posts
Sun Jul-25-21 06:24 PM

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9. "I wouldn't say waiting."
In response to Reply # 0


          

but just know that whatever it is, it won't last forever. same when things are going poorly. it won't be long before it turns around.

Y'all buy those labels, I was born supreme

  

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