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Subject: "Divorce? I'm entering the phase in my life where friends are splitting. " Previous topic | Next topic
double negative
Member since Dec 14th 2007
21824 posts
Mon Apr-19-21 10:34 AM

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"Divorce? I'm entering the phase in my life where friends are splitting. "


  

          

I think being together forever is an exception, not the rule.

Things change, I don't expect all things in life to last forever.

I made the mistake of thinking divorces would be rare among the people I know because we got married late AF.

I imagined divorce to be a bit of a process of transitions...something you can see coming

A really good friend abruptly ended it all off the strength of Some Really Bad Marital Shit That Can Go Down After Being Married For A Long Ass Time™️.

Married yesterday, new partner today.

I've known him and his wife for nearly 20 years. Our kids know them as auntie and uncle, their kids know us as auntie and uncle.

Essentially...if you've been through this...how does this shit work? What's to be expected?




***********************************************************
https://soundcloud.com/swageyph/yph-die-with-me

  

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Topic Outline
Subject Author Message Date ID
How it works is...
Apr 19th 2021
1
thank you
Apr 19th 2021
2
you're welcome...its really challenging, i know
Apr 19th 2021
14
Yep. In the middle of this exact scenario now.
Apr 19th 2021
13
Almost every single couple who's wedding I attended is now divorced
Apr 19th 2021
3
marriage is fucking hard shit. goddamn.
Apr 19th 2021
8
      Blanket comment
Apr 23rd 2021
32
i don't understand the question
Apr 19th 2021
4
It's extremely complicated...I'm trying to stay vague
Apr 19th 2021
7
      How did we work it out? We were all adults. lol
Apr 19th 2021
9
           yea after my 20 yr history with my wife's family
Apr 19th 2021
10
           right.
Apr 19th 2021
12
           fair point. fair point.
Apr 19th 2021
15
                lmao i've had that argument multiple times with my current girl
Apr 19th 2021
16
TBH, I can't say I am too surprised by the folks I know who ended up
Apr 19th 2021
5
I enjoy these anecdotes because
Apr 19th 2021
6
      RE: I enjoy these anecdotes because
Apr 19th 2021
11
      it's just whether or not it's something you want to do
Apr 19th 2021
25
I saw an old co-workers post recently.
Apr 19th 2021
17
LOL i'm gonna propose but only offer a 10 day contract.
Apr 19th 2021
18
yup lol
Apr 19th 2021
19
I used to say this about marriages when I was younger and my cousins
Apr 19th 2021
21
I have a friend couple that thought about divorce but went the
Apr 19th 2021
20
poly is like the super weapon few are emotionally equipped to handle
Apr 19th 2021
22
One of the most destructive things a person can experience
Apr 19th 2021
23
Yup.
Apr 19th 2021
24
my friends who got married in the time that I knew them
Apr 19th 2021
26
Yeah, I'm kinda in that phase now
Apr 20th 2021
27
I went to a friends house a few years ago and 5 dudes were going thru
Apr 20th 2021
28
I’m the only one in my hs and college friend group who went
Apr 20th 2021
29
I was not expecting to laugh out loud halfway through that
Apr 20th 2021
30
      Glad I was able to provide some comic relief. As events were
Apr 23rd 2021
31
I’ve always been curious why folks get married...
Apr 23rd 2021
33

Damali
Member since Sep 12th 2002
35127 posts
Mon Apr-19-21 10:55 AM

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1. "How it works is..."
In response to Reply # 0


          

you don't concern yourself w/the state of their relationship and maintain your connections to them as your family/friends

openly tell both of them that that's what you plan to do

your connections to them, and their kids, as individual people are genuine and after all this time, its not (or shouldn't be) built on whether they are married or not.

keep it simple.

d

"But rest assured, in my luxurious house built on the backs of people darker than me, I am sipping fine scotch and scoffing at how stupid you are." - bshelly

  

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double negative
Member since Dec 14th 2007
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Mon Apr-19-21 11:04 AM

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2. "thank you"
In response to Reply # 1


  

          

this is what I was planning

i guess, I was wondering if there were/are other things I might not know or think about

I mean, fuck, I grew up in a place/time where NO ONE got married. Grandparents were married, old heads were married....the parents of my peers? Not a ring or thing in sight.

if you called someone your "wife" it was because you were just rocking for so long (and had kids) the title was used.

So, this is new shit on top of new shit for me.

***********************************************************
https://soundcloud.com/swageyph/yph-die-with-me

  

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Damali
Member since Sep 12th 2002
35127 posts
Mon Apr-19-21 12:52 PM

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14. "you're welcome...its really challenging, i know"
In response to Reply # 2


          

>this is what I was planning
>
>i guess, I was wondering if there were/are other things I
>might not know or think about

nah because each of these situations so unique, that there's no way to telegraph it

as much as you can be open and honest with your friends about your confusion and your desire to love them all through it, the better. hopefully, nobody makes you choose sides cuz that's when the shit gets EXTRA

>So, this is new shit on top of new shit for me.

i feel you. i wish you and your friends all the best!

d

"But rest assured, in my luxurious house built on the backs of people darker than me, I am sipping fine scotch and scoffing at how stupid you are." - bshelly

  

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FLUIDJ
Member since Sep 18th 2002
43527 posts
Mon Apr-19-21 12:49 PM

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13. "Yep. In the middle of this exact scenario now. "
In response to Reply # 1


  

          

It’s really weird because We’ve been friends since the 90’s when we all met in college same majors and everything.



"Get ready....for your blessing....."
"Bury me by my Grand-Grand and when you can come follow me"

  

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mrhood75
Member since Dec 06th 2004
43311 posts
Mon Apr-19-21 11:21 AM

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3. "Almost every single couple who's wedding I attended is now divorced"
In response to Reply # 0
Mon Apr-19-21 11:25 AM by mrhood75

  

          

Only exceptions are family members (my brother, two cousins... damn, that's it?)

Every single one of my friends who's gotten married is now divorced. Hell, even a bunch of the younger married couples who attended my wedding are divorced.

I don't know. I think the commonality in most of the marraiges/divorces is people got married too young/too early. Sometimes it was they didn't really know how to be adults yet, and coped with "marriage" problems like they were boyfriend/girlfriend problems. And sometimes they just drifted apart relatively quickly.

I will say that shortly before our marriage, my wife and I went to one of her bridesmaids weddinhg, and I could tell that the marriage was going to end in disaster. Dude was not ready to get married at all. And, in fact, it's been the ugliest divorce of all our friends.

It's happened twice where I've been friends with both the husband and wife and it's ended in divorce. In both cases, I've kind of left it unsaid that I'm remaining cool with both of them and not talking to either about what happened/circumstances of the divorce, etc. And that's worked for all involved both times.

-----------------

www.albumism.com

Checkin' Our Style, Return To Zero:

https://www.mixcloud.com/returntozero/

  

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double negative
Member since Dec 14th 2007
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Mon Apr-19-21 11:58 AM

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8. "marriage is fucking hard shit. goddamn. "
In response to Reply # 3


  

          

***********************************************************
https://soundcloud.com/swageyph/yph-die-with-me

  

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Mori
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Fri Apr-23-21 01:24 PM

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32. "Blanket comment"
In response to Reply # 8


          

What makes marriage so hard now?

What about marriage in our era makes things so much more difficult?

I have dated two divorced men. Both were very nice and seemed like they were good partners, but they expected me to check in on them, and make sacrifices that were unnecessary in my opinion.

For example, Divorced guy 1 thought we should talk on the phone every night or at least text every day. That was not needed for me to stay connected. He also expressed a need for a "teammate". In his words, that entailed supporting him through a family member's health crisis. I had compassion but he really needed a therapist to vent to. I don't see that as my role in a relationship.

Divorced guy 2 resented his ex-wife's success. She really was the brains behind the operation. He tried to match her swag but he could never make enough money, get his life in order to move into a bigger house or level up. I realized he really depended on women to upgrade him. His ex-wife got exhausted and rolled out. This impacted our relationship because he felt insecure about not being at a certain stage in life by his age.

Most married people like partnership and put in work to sustain it. Most divorced people like the benefits of partnership but don't seem to match the efforts of the other partner.

Rise & Shine
Thrive & Grind
Heart & Mind

  

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Cenario
Member since Aug 24th 2005
57204 posts
Mon Apr-19-21 11:32 AM

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4. "i don't understand the question"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

as a divorcee, I think the couple really determines how awkward that shit is for everyone else.

Assuming the divorce was on some mutual shit and not some foul ass shit, everyone should be adults and recognize that the divorcees had close relationships with the ex's friends/family that should be allowed to continue.

I'm still extremely close with my ex's family. her play cousins and my play cousins now, i still consider her sister as my sister, their kids as my nephews etc.

IF the divorce is on some foul ass shit then all bets are off...good luck.

-The Knicks’ coaching search still includes a lone frontrunner, Kurt Rambis, whose qualifications for the position include a strong relationship with Jackson and a willingness to take the job.

  

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double negative
Member since Dec 14th 2007
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Mon Apr-19-21 11:56 AM

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7. "It's extremely complicated...I'm trying to stay vague "
In response to Reply # 4


  

          

on a related note...how did you work it out where you were cool with your ex and family?


***********************************************************
https://soundcloud.com/swageyph/yph-die-with-me

  

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Cenario
Member since Aug 24th 2005
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Mon Apr-19-21 12:06 PM

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9. "How did we work it out? We were all adults. lol"
In response to Reply # 7


  

          

I had established relationships with my ex's family. i love them and they love me outside of my relationship with my ex.

My relationship with my ex is a bit more tricky. We were still cool for a while until I got a new girl. Everything changes after that lol

-The Knicks’ coaching search still includes a lone frontrunner, Kurt Rambis, whose qualifications for the position include a strong relationship with Jackson and a willingness to take the job.

  

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ShawndmeSlanted
Member since Oct 30th 2004
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Mon Apr-19-21 12:21 PM

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10. "yea after my 20 yr history with my wife's family"
In response to Reply # 9


  

          

>I had established relationships with my ex's family. i love
>them and they love me outside of my relationship with my ex.
>
>My relationship with my ex is a bit more tricky. We were still
>cool for a while until I got a new girl. Everything changes
>after that lol

and her with mine. If our relationship ended on not just some really terrible shit, it would be hard to cut ties and just be like "I dont fuck with yall"

---
"though time has passed, im still the future" (c) black thought

  

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Cenario
Member since Aug 24th 2005
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Mon Apr-19-21 12:31 PM

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12. "right."
In response to Reply # 10


  

          

-The Knicks’ coaching search still includes a lone frontrunner, Kurt Rambis, whose qualifications for the position include a strong relationship with Jackson and a willingness to take the job.

  

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double negative
Member since Dec 14th 2007
21824 posts
Mon Apr-19-21 02:11 PM

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15. "fair point. fair point. "
In response to Reply # 9


  

          

*looks left*

*looks right*


my wife and I used to get into arguments over the idea of being friends with exes. I was still cool with some exes.

She never got the concept that you could one day just NOT want to be involved with another person intimately but still like them enough to want to have them in your life.

I used to think "so wait, if we were to ever..."

***********************************************************
https://soundcloud.com/swageyph/yph-die-with-me

  

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Cenario
Member since Aug 24th 2005
57204 posts
Mon Apr-19-21 02:15 PM

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16. "lmao i've had that argument multiple times with my current girl"
In response to Reply # 15


  

          

There's only one ex that i've had that we are on 'bad terms'. Other than that, my relationships end amicably and i don't hate a person just bc i'm not in a romantic relationship with them.

Absent some foul ass shit, i don't understand how you can erase someone from your life, just bc you are not in a romantic relationship with them any longer. I can get needing space to get over them and maybe not wanting to be close to them for your mental health, but for me, after that break...we still good peoples. I still want the best for you, hope you do for me and i would still be there for you in any way i could.

-The Knicks’ coaching search still includes a lone frontrunner, Kurt Rambis, whose qualifications for the position include a strong relationship with Jackson and a willingness to take the job.

  

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Buddy_Gilapagos
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Mon Apr-19-21 11:39 AM

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5. "TBH, I can't say I am too surprised by the folks I know who ended up"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

getting divorced.

1. One guy, nicest wedding I ever been to, had admitted a little time before the wedding that he wasn't excited to do it but felt obligated to to do it because they had dated so long. The surprise wasn't the philandering that did them in but his drug habit.

2. Other dude was also mad philanderer. Was surprised he was getting married.

3. One dude had me fooled but I did think it funny when we was at his wedding and he announced that X was the baddest chick at the wedding. Strange not only because he was getting married but he said it about someones wife to a group of guys there all with their wives. Strange dude. He had a drug problem too.


The biggest surprised actually has been two friends who I swore weren't going to make it actually reach the 10+ year point with tons of kids. Them early years were rough but they actually seemed to find a groove.

**********
"Everyone has a plan until you punch them in the face. Then they don't have a plan anymore." (c) Mike Tyson

"what's a leader if he isn't reluctant"

  

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T Reynolds
Member since Apr 16th 2007
42202 posts
Mon Apr-19-21 11:44 AM

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6. "I enjoy these anecdotes because "
In response to Reply # 5


  

          

it highlights philandering as a behavior trait that just is hard to overcome, and some dudes just need to never get married. marriage will not fix or change them

and that rocky relationships that some people question end up being more stable for having gone through the fire early

  

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double 0
Member since Nov 17th 2004
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Mon Apr-19-21 12:23 PM

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11. "RE: I enjoy these anecdotes because "
In response to Reply # 6


          

Definitely think it can be overcome....

Everything we do is programmed in us whether we want it or not. We spend the majority of our adult lives deconstructing, hacking and hopefully writing better code.

That work ALWAYS happens within the individual though. And they have to recognize the shit needs to happen. No external rituals are really going to change it until the person wants to.

Double 0
DJ/Producer/Artist
Producer in Kidz In The Hall
-------------------------------------------
twitter: @godouble0
IG: @godouble0
www.thinklikearapper.com

  

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Rjcc
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Mon Apr-19-21 04:57 PM

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25. "it's just whether or not it's something you want to do"
In response to Reply # 6


          

and people lie to themselves

www.engadgethd.com - the other stuff i'm looking at

  

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tariqhu
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Mon Apr-19-21 02:25 PM

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17. "I saw an old co-workers post recently."
In response to Reply # 0


          

she's been married about 5-6 years, I think. her husband sent her a text saying that he's moving out. that's gotta be the worst shit in the world.

I feel like there should be an easier out or expiration date on marriages. in general, most relationships are temporary. not just romantic ones. the expectation of forever with one person is hard to live up to.

Y'all buy those labels, I was born supreme

  

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Cenario
Member since Aug 24th 2005
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Mon Apr-19-21 02:31 PM

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18. "LOL i'm gonna propose but only offer a 10 day contract."
In response to Reply # 17
Mon Apr-19-21 02:31 PM by Cenario

  

          

options to renew on both sides.

-The Knicks’ coaching search still includes a lone frontrunner, Kurt Rambis, whose qualifications for the position include a strong relationship with Jackson and a willingness to take the job.

  

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tariqhu
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Mon Apr-19-21 02:32 PM

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19. "yup lol"
In response to Reply # 18


          

Y'all buy those labels, I was born supreme

  

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SuiteLady
Member since Oct 19th 2004
15248 posts
Mon Apr-19-21 02:41 PM

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21. "I used to say this about marriages when I was younger and my cousins"
In response to Reply # 17


  

          

used to ridicule me for it. I have always thought marriages should have a option for renewal after a certain time. Like .. like a rental lease and no one comes out losing anything financially as long as both part hold the terms until the expiration date.

♥ Inescapably Me ♥

"Love is never any better than the lover" Toni Morrison (The Bluest Eye)

  

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SuiteLady
Member since Oct 19th 2004
15248 posts
Mon Apr-19-21 02:35 PM

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20. "I have a friend couple that thought about divorce but went the "
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

polyamorous route instead. Now they have another married couple living in their house with them and their kids. Right around the start of the pandemic and the first shutdown I learned that the couple they were in a relationship with had moved in. They were all working from home and taking turns helping the kids with remote learning.

I am interested to see how long this lasts.

♥ Inescapably Me ♥

"Love is never any better than the lover" Toni Morrison (The Bluest Eye)

  

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double negative
Member since Dec 14th 2007
21824 posts
Mon Apr-19-21 03:31 PM

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22. "poly is like the super weapon few are emotionally equipped to handle"
In response to Reply # 20


  

          

I think it's entirely possible to love more than one person at once.

i also think most people are barely able to maintain a balanced relationship with one person.


*ahem*


A Very Loud And Very Wrong Take™️:


I think men would have a hard time (to stereotype, in general, not all men, this is just my thought here) living in service of an adult individual let alone several people. All that macho "god is penis and I have no tongue" shit won't sustain the pod. you gotta be thinking for the group.

***********************************************************
https://soundcloud.com/swageyph/yph-die-with-me

  

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Binlahab
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Mon Apr-19-21 03:41 PM

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23. "One of the most destructive things a person can experience"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

Very much like death

People gonna choose sides

Both are suffering...but one more so

It doesn't matter why for real

Nothing will be the same

However in time...it can get better

  

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Castro
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Mon Apr-19-21 03:42 PM

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24. "Yup."
In response to Reply # 23


  

          

------------------
One Hundred.

  

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Rjcc
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Mon Apr-19-21 05:01 PM

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26. "my friends who got married in the time that I knew them"
In response to Reply # 0


          

are mostly still married

even some of the ones I'm surprised are still together.

my wife's friends...well. the parents of our god kids are divorced now, but basically from the day I met them I knew that eventually it was going to go that way, it was just a matter of when.

I haven't seen them in person during the pandemic, but after everything shook out it seems like they're in a way better place apart than they were together.

imo you try not to get too deep into whatever they have going on, just because you really really don't know what's going on in someone else's relationship. whoever's closer to them manages the link directly

www.engadgethd.com - the other stuff i'm looking at

  

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Hitokiri
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Tue Apr-20-21 09:05 AM

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27. "Yeah, I'm kinda in that phase now"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

Two good friends of mine are in the thick of it right now. I was good friends with each of them separately, before they met. Now they've got some young kids, things were already on the rocks, and then they moved across the country.

The wife has been one of my best friends for over a decade, and her and I talk. Often. I hear her side of things and try to help her work through what she's going through -- give advice when I can, give my perspective.

Husband though, we haven't spoken reguarly for a long time now. No falling out or anything, he's just hasn't been very communicative for a while... not just with me. With the world in general. So I feel kinda bad about that I don't know how his perspective or how he's dealing with this... and I find myself on her side.

There's not conflict... she just wants out and I understand why and support her in that. He doesn't want out, and I don't know if he sees how being how he is has lead to all this. But sometimes I feel bad that I'm not there for him like I am for her.

--
"You can't beat white people. You can only knock them out."

"There is only one god and his name is death. And there is only one thing we say to death: not today."

  

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legsdiamond
Member since May 05th 2011
69476 posts
Tue Apr-20-21 10:54 AM

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28. "I went to a friends house a few years ago and 5 dudes were going thru"
In response to Reply # 0


          

divorce in the same room..

I was the inly one who wasn’t going thru it..

I dipped on them.

If a lot of people are going thru a divorce at the same time I have to remove myself from that energy. Not saying it would sway me and mine but the tall about clubs and fat asses and new strange prolly pushed a few of them over the line.

worst thing tho is seeing my boy’s ex wife announce she was pregnant of FACEBOOK while they were separated and I knew it wasn’t his.. and he doesn’t do facebook. What was I supposed to do with that?

****************
TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*

  

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Mignight Maruder
Member since Nov 30th 2003
7475 posts
Tue Apr-20-21 10:21 PM

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29. "I’m the only one in my hs and college friend group who went "
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through a divorce. That’s about 15 guys who I keep in contact with. Not all my friends have a solid relationship and several have experienced a rough patch or two. With that said, I don’t anticipate that many of them divorcing. My dad is one of 6, my mom is one of 7. Only 2 aunt/uncles experienced divorce. I have at least a dozen cousins who’ve been married, very few divorced. It’s just not common in my family. I think I naively thought my marriage could be saved - even though I deserved better. I would never advocate for divorce, but my experience tells me that it absolutely can be the optimal decision with some couples.

Myself?? My ex had an epiphany at age 34 that she’s a lesbian. As you can probably assume, the relationship deteriorated very quickly. Anyway, that was a pretty major irreconcilable difference that we had no solution for. There were some heated arguments that ensued, but we mostly kept it very amicable and civil. I had to set my ego aside and do what was best for my kids. We actually went through a mediator and worked out the terms very quickly. While it pained me to have to split the kids 50/50 due to her deception, I accepted the fact that they need their mom in their life and fighting for anything more would be a waste of time and money.

There was a lot of pain in the process. I was with my ex for 10+ years. It’s hard to just move on - regardless if you know it’s what’s best. The pain I felt in breaking the news to my kids (just turned 7 & 4) is a moment I never want to relive.

Flash forward 3+ years later, I could not have envisioned how great things have worked out for us. We are friends and communicate often...mostly about our kids. She loves my fiancé (not like that!). I never stopped being family to hers. They still love me.

My fiancé? I count my blessings each day because the love and bond we share is special. As much as I loved my ex, the love I now feel for my fiancé is on a whole other level. It seems surreal. My kids adore her too.

Not sure where I’m going with this, but that relationships are extremely tough and no one should feel trapped just to keep up appearances. If you divorce on amicable terms and remain civil, then there’s no reason why you need to sever all ties.

  

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Rjcc
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Tue Apr-20-21 11:23 PM

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30. "I was not expecting to laugh out loud halfway through that"
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glad there's so many good things going on.


www.engadgethd.com - the other stuff i'm looking at

  

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Mignight Maruder
Member since Nov 30th 2003
7475 posts
Fri Apr-23-21 06:41 AM

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31. "Glad I was able to provide some comic relief. As events were "
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unfolding, everything was so surreal and painful. Prioritizing my kids’ well-being and future, along with my own mental health, allowed me to persevere through an immensely difficult and confusing time. Leaning on my close friends, family, and faith obviously helped too.

I can look back with a sense of humor now. I came out of it much happier and more confident. Got to experience so much I otherwise would not have had the chance to do. I had a hell of a good time enjoying the single life for a bit, and was extremely lucky to have met my fiancé. Life truly is good.

In my case, divorce was inevitable and perhaps made the split a bit easier than others. Regardless, there was deceit and arguments. Yet we chose to put our kids first and things fell into place.

  

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Trinity444
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Fri Apr-23-21 01:51 PM

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33. "I’ve always been curious why folks get married..."
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preface. I’m pro marriage and pro it can last forever.

/

I hung out with a married couple a few days ago. I can recall the day he told me, she was his best friend...how he loved her. I remember their wedding being one of the best attended. ten years in, they hate each other.

it’s sad to watch...

the wife is trying her best to save the marriage, but I think hubby has checked out.


  

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