The long story is far too long and detailed to get into here The short is that after we spent days talking about a situation that had been building up for months and then after we (in the form of me) had come up with a way to address the situation, that she then went ahead behind my back and did some shit her way with the mindset that since she had talked to one of her “smart” friend and her parents and they were all giving the same advice that she was thinking that it would be right.
But it wasn’t. The situation played out exactly as I said it would and now it’s even more fucked up. None of them niggas have any street sense in the first fucking place and she’s the only one that’s living under our roof.
That’s how fucking teenagers handle shit. She is 38 fucking years old going behind my back after we talked about some shit, because essentially she had her parents blessing. And then had the nerve to ask what do we do now. Who the fuck knows, go ask those fucking grown ass people that still want to coddle your ass.
------ “There is no fate that cannot be surmounted by scorn.” -Albert Camus
4. "She got fired because the owner is an insecure white man" In response to Reply # 1 Tue Feb-18-20 10:01 AM by MEAT
That couldn’t take no for an answer. With young white interns that manifested itself in the form of sexual harassment. With her it just ended up being him demanding she travel for work and then firing her when she didn’t.
He then decided to withhold pay, threaten that she had stolen items, call her dumb and ignorant, and then bring lawyers in. At worst case she had a wage claim issue. Which, we have the money so what the fuck ever. But she should’ve gotten the wage commission involved as a third party arbitrator because dealing with a petulant white man in 2020 when you don’t have any sense on how to defend yourself professionally, personally, or physically is dumb.
So after he threw a tantrum all weekend via email and she had a building case for further harassment. Her dumb ass got up yesterday to pick up the check that he said he had. Naturally the check was wrong. Because she doesn’t know who she’s dealing with. And yet she still brought it home. So she has a pending wage claim case that she filed on Sunday but her dumb ass also took the check now.
------ “There is no fate that cannot be surmounted by scorn.” -Albert Camus
legsdiamond Member since May 05th 2011 79594 posts
Tue Feb-18-20 10:04 AM
8. "Damn.. that’s, not what I was expecting. " In response to Reply # 4
Protect your wife.
maybe put hands on dude after it’s over and done.
**************** TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*
10. "Then you don’t understand escalating white men" In response to Reply # 9
Which is why you get the law involved as a buffer. It’s not about the degree the check is off. It could be one penny for all I care. You take the power out of his hand. Visibility and oversight will protect you from further harassment.
------ “There is no fate that cannot be surmounted by scorn.” -Albert Camus
26. "No. The check she picked up was the wrong amount" In response to Reply # 23 Tue Feb-18-20 11:20 AM by MEAT
Picking up the check didn’t resolve anything Furthermore they’re both doctors. So was asked to some non defamation paperwork that she put in the mail on Friday to reject, so when that arrives to his office he’s going to be furious. So no. This is about protection and visibility. Because right now all this exists is a disagreement when it shows that it requires a paper trail.
Always put a paper trail on people that you’re disagreeing with. Always Always Always I don’t care enough about him to teach him anything or expect that he’ll learn anything. This is solely to provide a buffer and take control out of his hands and in the place of the law. Because if this escalates outside of the law, then EYE exist outside of the law. And I’m going to ensure that you leave me and mine alone.
------ “There is no fate that cannot be surmounted by scorn.” -Albert Camus
19. "Damn.. who told her to put the balm on?!" In response to Reply # 4
>That couldn’t take no for an answer. With young white >interns that manifested itself in the form of sexual >harassment. With her it just ended up being him demanding she >travel for work and then firing her when she didn’t. > >He then decided to withhold pay, threaten that she had stolen >items, call her dumb and ignorant, and then bring lawyers in. >At worst case she had a wage claim issue. Which, we have the >money so what the fuck ever. But she should’ve gotten the >wage commission involved as a third party arbitrator because >dealing with a petulant white man in 2020 when you don’t >have any sense on how to defend yourself professionally, >personally, or physically is dumb. > >So after he threw a tantrum all weekend via email and she had >a building case for further harassment. Her dumb ass got up >yesterday to pick up the check that he said he had. Naturally >the check was wrong. Because she doesn’t know who she’s >dealing with. And yet she still brought it home. So she has a >pending wage claim case that she filed on Sunday but her dumb >ass also took the check now.
legsdiamond Member since May 05th 2011 79594 posts
Tue Feb-18-20 10:00 AM
5. "Damn bro.. that has to be frustrating. " In response to Reply # 0
Nothing worse than agreeing on something and then having that person go get confirmation from their circle of friends.
After the dust settles y’all need to have that talk.
**************** TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*
legsdiamond Member since May 05th 2011 79594 posts
Tue Feb-18-20 10:12 AM
11. "sounds like she panicked and went for the money. " In response to Reply # 7
Thinking short term and not long term.
Nice people are easy to game when it comes to this type of shit.
**************** TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*
13. "I wrote her a check from my account Friday" In response to Reply # 11
For the correct amount. She didn’t need that money. I even asked her Sunday, “what is your plan for when you go and pick up that check and it’s wrong, or what if it’s only $2, or if he’s physically standing there, leave that shit alone and let the state handle it, that’s what it’s there for.”
------ “There is no fate that cannot be surmounted by scorn.” -Albert Camus
legsdiamond Member since May 05th 2011 79594 posts
Tue Feb-18-20 10:24 AM
15. "Okay. Now I understand why you are livid" In response to Reply # 13
**************** TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*
legsdiamond Member since May 05th 2011 79594 posts
Tue Feb-18-20 12:54 PM
38. "This ain’t divorce worthy. " In response to Reply # 20
This is just a frustrating bump on the road of marriage.
Not sure how long they been married but sometimes you have a moment where you realize you need to sit down and let nigga know they aren’t being a team player.
**************** TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*
42. "We really do. I lost a lot of respect for her last night" In response to Reply # 41 Tue Feb-18-20 02:09 PM by MEAT
Not for her choice, if she wanted to do some goofy dumb shit that’s her right, but the way she went about it is some teenage shit. We have a two year old. She can’t be walking around this life acting like child and then also trying to raise one.
We been together for like seven years. This is like the third or fourth time something like that has happened and I’m furious about it happening again. This being some old niggas not growing the fuck up themselves and giving their daughter guidance like she’s in her 20s as opposed to a married parent that needs to walk on her own. I didn’t sign up to be parented and if she can’t respect herself as an adult to live and thrive/fail together then we fall apart separately.
------ “There is no fate that cannot be surmounted by scorn.” -Albert Camus
45. "On the optimistic side - could be a turning point for the positive." In response to Reply # 42
If issues like this have happened in the past, her doing it again this time and QUICKLY seeing you were right vs. it being something that just simmered for a while could definitely be a turning point to her changing and not doing it again going forward.
As someone else mentioned, you showing grace in this situation when it's obvious that you were right would go a long way towards moving in the right direction. That being said, you and her still need to have an open and honest discussion about how she went about things behind your back, the influences of others on decisions that should be between the two of you, and how her actions made you feel.
Sessions with a good marriage counselor would absolutely be the best environment for that type of discussion.
46. "Would you feel differently if she only got advice about this " In response to Reply # 42
from her friends?
I get why you’re angry but reading this reply it makes me think this is more about her listening to her parents at all versus it just being about her not doing what you had advised her to do.
And if this is really about her parents this is much deeper than just “she didn’t listen to me about this”.
49. "You live in the same bed with someone you work out problems together" In response to Reply # 46
If you absolutely need outside guidance you seek it. But you live and die by the choices that you make together. Folks (her especially) get hung up on making the “right” choices or trying not to make the “wrong” choices. The only right choices in life are the ones you can live with.
So this seeking outside help, guidance, from friends or family when you already have it worked out in your house is dumb. Because you make dozens of big and small choices together every day. Particularly when you have a kid. You don’t just dip out of that agreement and arrangement due to cowardice.
------ “There is no fate that cannot be surmounted by scorn.” -Albert Camus
legsdiamond Member since May 05th 2011 79594 posts
Tue Feb-18-20 02:17 PM
47. "He’s calling her a child out of anger" In response to Reply # 41
and because she threw common sense out the window to do something she knew she had no business doing.
As a married man I get his frustration.
**************** TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*
legsdiamond Member since May 05th 2011 79594 posts
Tue Feb-18-20 02:50 PM
52. "Hell yeah. he thinks she acted like a child... so he called her one" In response to Reply # 51
That’s not the worst thing in the world imo.
Might sound harsh but so is fucking up the money and putting your marriage in jeopardy because you listening to people outside your marriage ahead of your husband.
**************** TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*
57. "so who's really acting like a child? "gotta hear both sides!"(c)OKP" In response to Reply # 52
>That’s not the worst thing in the world imo. > >Might sound harsh but so is fucking up the money and putting >your marriage in jeopardy because you listening to people >outside your marriage ahead of your husband. > >
legsdiamond Member since May 05th 2011 79594 posts
Tue Feb-18-20 04:43 PM
60. "A man has a right to vent about some shit " In response to Reply # 57
Especially when his opinion is/was ignored.
**************** TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*
74. "RE: A man has a right to vent about some shit " In response to Reply # 60
>Especially when his opinion is/was ignored.
Honestly I was just talking shit without fully reading the whole post but if his wife is a 38y/o doctor and he talks to her anywhere remotely to how he’s talked in this post then they definitely need some counseling lol
75. "If I talked to her like this I would need to leave. Full stop " In response to Reply # 74
You don’t get to just demean people you love because you’re angry. But I am truly truly feeling this level of anger within this. And yes we still need counseling.
------ “There is no fate that cannot be surmounted by scorn.” -Albert Camus
17. "Damn, B! Best of luck getting over your pisstivity. " In response to Reply # 0
"A hard head makes a soft ass," is what my grandmother used to say.
Maybe next time, your counsel is what she goes with. I don't know if I'd rub her nose in it but I would chill for a second. Then, I might let her know how it made me feel when she acted on others' advice as opposed to the advice of mine - her husband. Otherwise, that's a lesson she's gotta sit with and make sense of on her own.
Extend her some grace when you're ready to.
We gotta love 'em even when they are on our everlasting nerves.
21. "Friends & Family stay throwing wrenches into the marriage mechanism...." In response to Reply # 0
In an ideal world......folks would fall back and simply advise "You & your husband/wife should get on the same page...that's all the advice I can give."
Just reserve some of that pissedoffedness for them....
24. "And what’s fucked is that my parents aren’t at all like that" In response to Reply # 21
My parents will hear me complain and one of the first things they’ll say is “you need to talk to your wife”
Because my parents treat me like an adult.
Like we just ran into a situation two months ago where she was feeling some kind of way because I had shown my parents some landscaping and she felt left out of the choice because they were excited and verbatim “my parents aren’t paying the bills or living in that house, if we’re on the same page, then it doesn’t get done. I don’t need anyone’s validation to move forward but yours and ours”
Like I didn’t buy a tree Sunday because we hadn’t talked about some of the shit when I went shopping and I wanted to run it by her before making that kind of purchase. Not out of need. Just to be on the same page. That she isn’t giving that same kind of respect is fucking wild.
------ “There is no fate that cannot be surmounted by scorn.” -Albert Camus
31. "My parents treat my siblings like that..tried w/me but I shut that shit " In response to Reply # 24 Tue Feb-18-20 11:31 AM by FLUIDJ
down early on in our marriage when my wife pointed out to me just how pervasive it was when she would see how they did. They tend to be very pushy and invasive with "advice" and "suggestions" and having grown up with it all my life, I just never really saw it for what it was. Control. Control by guilt. Control by fear. Control by pressure.
It took observation from an outsider (my wife) to really make it clear. And it wasn't on some 'pull me away from my family' type thing, so that was helpful for me to not feel like she was trying to pull me away from them. It took a few years into our marriage for them to finally chill and realize that our marriage was its own island and that we'd reach out as a unit when/if we needed their guidance.
both of my male siblings are divorced... my youngest is female and she's not on the marriage track....but they meddle in her relationships the same way...
"Get ready....for your blessing....." "Bury me by my Grand-Grand and when you can come follow me"
32. "I wish she’d let go. Your parents aren’t your friends" In response to Reply # 31
We live up the street from mine and we talk like once a week. And there’s nothing wrong with that. They’re grown folks living their grown ass lives and we should be too. Her parents are needy.
------ “There is no fate that cannot be surmounted by scorn.” -Albert Camus
35. "my sympathies but I get multiple perspectives" In response to Reply # 0
and there may be a lot more than 'she listened to everybody else' at play, from a desire for some degree of financial decision-making independence to a feeling of control over one's own employment decisions.
That said, clearly your head was in a better place for a more appropriate solution to the problem and it can be very frustrating when your partner can't recognize that.
Looking forward: does she have legal recourse? I sell insurance for a living and based on the limited information you provided it seems like she has quite a valid claim on multiple fronts that could trigger coverage under an Employment Practices Liability... harassment (not necessarily sexual), improper termination, wage & hour/FLSA issues. Unfortunately a) you're better off using a lawyer to present claims of that nature, and b) a lot of small businesses don't have EPL coverage. And of course c) that would drag the issue out further, which if you're already pissed off might not be helpful.
Good luck to both of you; let me know if you have any questions if she does decide to pursue a claim.
36. "She has full right to listen to others. That said. She should’ve " In response to Reply # 35 Tue Feb-18-20 12:19 PM by MEAT
Communicated that she was going to do so. Particularly since we had talked on Sunday. Not communicating her change until after she had done it is not ok. You don’t mislead your partner.
As far as the other shit, this is her problem now. Not ours. She can figure her own scrappy ass way out of it. I did my part.
------ “There is no fate that cannot be surmounted by scorn.” -Albert Camus
44. "I dig this response because I didn’t see the controlling angle " In response to Reply # 35
Not that you’re saying MEAT is controlling but I didn’t look at it from the possible perspective of someone maybe just wanting more opinions because they don’t just want to take one, husband or not.
40. "No. She probably would’ve if the bank was open yesterday. " In response to Reply # 39 Tue Feb-18-20 01:58 PM by MEAT
She has no cut. The world eats people like her alive. I had her take pictures of the check, go to the post office, send it via certified mail with a return receipt, with a small note that says “returned due to inaccuracies”, photograph the envelope so that she has proof what was in it. And that for any future communication that she doesn’t respond just date, log, and print.
Best case scenario this just goes through the workforce commission and it’s done. That there’s a documentation trail for her protection and now a buffer for retaliation that’ll keep him out of her emails and phones.
And that if he THEN continues to push that we handle it from there.
------ “There is no fate that cannot be surmounted by scorn.” -Albert Camus
legsdiamond Member since May 05th 2011 79594 posts
Tue Feb-18-20 02:13 PM
43. "At least she has you to help correct her errors.. " In response to Reply # 40
even tho you said it was her problem now I know you won’t feed her to the wolves.
sometimes people play dumb in order to do shit they know they shouldn’t do.
Which is frustrating because they know damn well they were intentionally doing shit wrong but will blame others for giving them the thumbs up.
**************** TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*
50. "I have a kid and a mortgage and this is just money. " In response to Reply # 48
The fuck else am I suppose to do, throw a real life tantrum because some dumb shit happened? I’m protecting everyone else since neither of these bozos seem to be capable of settling it themselves. HE definitely doesn’t want me involved.
------ “There is no fate that cannot be surmounted by scorn.” -Albert Camus
eclipsedInI Member since Jul 29th 2002 92867 posts
Tue Feb-18-20 03:37 PM
54. "it's one thing to be right, another to be smug" In response to Reply # 0
i would advise that now that the situation played out how you thought it would, you should steer her in the right way, instead of leaving her out in the lurch.
it's childish to be upset that she reaches out to people she has known her whole life
your opinion was outweighed, you should show the maturity and wisdom of understanding that
_____________________ puttin' the roota in the toota since 98'
58. "It ain't the first time it happened like this though..." In response to Reply # 54
>it's childish to be upset that she reaches out to people she >has known her whole life > >your opinion was outweighed, you should show the maturity and >wisdom of understanding that
59. "RE: My wife did some weasel shit and I’m livid. " In response to Reply # 0
You're always going to have to correct each other about some shit you already corrected each other on in a partnership though. It's up to you where you draw the line at.
But man I feel you. I been through something similar.
61. "How much was the check short?" In response to Reply # 0
If it wasn't very, why not cut your losses and never deal with the guy again? Unless your wife is going to pursue a wrongful termination suit, why draw things out? I don't understand what further harm you think the guy could do to her.
I understand you're upset she went back on what you and her agreed on but could be your 'get everything in writing, get on the legal track' is ultimately unnecessary and more aggro than it's worth.
62. "Doesn’t matter. It could’ve been over. If it’s not right it’s wr..." In response to Reply # 61 Tue Feb-18-20 06:21 PM by MEAT
There’s a wage commission to deal with wage disputes.
Also it doesn’t matter what he could do. You limit what he’s capable of doing. You don’t let people show you what they’re capable of. Ain’t nothing keeping that man from throwing a tantrum and showing up on my porch demanding the stuff he claims she took.
Or reporting her work incorrectly. Reporting her to the licensing board on his whim. You make everything he does fall under the bucket of documented retaliation. Or else it’s his word vs ours.
------ “There is no fate that cannot be surmounted by scorn.” -Albert Camus
65. "Exactly. I told her that Sunday. " In response to Reply # 63
Said heaven forbid anything happen to us as a couple but if it does you need to go to to the courthouse and get your alimony and child support and don’t rely on the goodness of me.
Verbatim.
------ “There is no fate that cannot be surmounted by scorn.” -Albert Camus
68. "I like how you think. Logic is a necessary action to solve an issue." In response to Reply # 0
Legal issues or legal matters are a different type of circumstances, and they require a certain kind of intelligence that is way beyond personal and domestic reasoning. Any and everything can be used used against you, so every approach must be calculated and well advised.
This is why there is no substitute for proper legal representation or legal advise.
71. "If you get in a car accident you get out of danger before you seek comfo..." In response to Reply # 69 Tue Feb-18-20 07:49 PM by MEAT
And while yes, sensitivity for feelings is needed, as grown ups we also have to be able to acknowledge that some things aren’t right, aren’t fair, and it doesn’t matter how you feel about it as much as what you do about it.
She doesn’t have that. And 95/100 I accept that as a truism. But this was a rapidly escalating situation that she had no grasp of and was starting to break.
He didn’t even fire her appropriately, he locked her out of her computer after she saw a client Monday morning, sent the office manager in to let her go, then when she had questions he said she needed to leave the premises immediately. She had 8 foster care cases pending they needed reporting.
By Friday afternoon he was calling her ignorant by email, threatening with lawyers, claiming she stole stuff, withholding pay and that was Friday at 4. And all of this because he demanded she travel, which she said wasn’t in her contract and that she wants a conversation to change the contract terms.
She didn’t need comfort as much as she needed help.
------ “There is no fate that cannot be surmounted by scorn.” -Albert Camus
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