I was in a whirlwind of a relationship last year for 7mos that begat a beautiful baby girl this past December...
Throughout the pregnancy, the mother threaten either abortion or adoption and ultimately tried adoption until I hired a lawyer the day before birth and stopped it.
I was barely allowed to be apart of the pregnancy, wasn't informed of birth until she realized the adoption was off, and was not involved in the naming..
I don't have any proof, but I suspect the name she has now came from the potential adoptive parents. (Since she had no idea the adoption was off until after birth that evening.)
We are currently going through paternity testing through the courts then to custody/visitation, which I am seeking sole managing conservertorship.
"My" daughter is only 5wks old and changing her name won't be a big issue for her, but after all this drama and my exclusion to virtually the whole process I want something for myself...
I'm just wondering am I being petty, selfish??? Would it bother you if some stranger named your kid?? even though big picture, does it make a difference?? Would you fight to have it changed??
legsdiamond Member since May 05th 2011 79560 posts
Thu Jan-23-20 12:24 PM
1. "Wait.. the adoptive mother named her or the biological" In response to Reply # 0
I have no idea but I don’t think it’s petty to want to be involved in your kids life.
Good luck tho.
**************** TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*
8. "RE: Wait.. the adoptive mother named her or the biological" In response to Reply # 1
>I have no idea but I don’t think it’s petty to want to be >involved in your kids life. > >Good luck tho.
The bio mom officially named her, but the name itself I suspect came from the adoptive one. Since at the time the adoption was going through until the agency was informed I was contesting it and decided to back out.
I wasn't able to hire a lawyer until the day before the birth, so the agency was served the day of..
legsdiamond Member since May 05th 2011 79560 posts
Thu Jan-23-20 01:13 PM
11. "Get the name changed. Not sure where you and the mom are right now" In response to Reply # 8
but you need to have a sit down and try to work this out.
**************** TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*
19. "RE: Wow! You are a special kind of man" In response to Reply # 13
>Most men, would have walked away taking a sigh of relief. >Just curious. Why are so compelled to be involved and take >over? > Some of my friends and family have joked about that... but never have I even thought about it. the concept for me just doesn't make sense though. I'm not a criminal, have a job, my own place, car, make decent money, a good person... really the worst quality I might have for being a single parent is my introversion. So its never been a question of whether or not I would take over, why wouldn't I.. Its my daughter.
>Congrats for being different. I hope you get the support that >you need as a father!
Appreciate that, I have a great support team in my family and friends. I more worried about the court system not supporting me, they don't have a great track record.
legsdiamond Member since May 05th 2011 79560 posts
Fri Jan-24-20 11:06 AM
23. "This isn’t true.. " In response to Reply # 13
Not sure if the OP is Black but most Black fathers are active in their kids lives.
I hate the false narrative and how some people push it further because of a personal experience.
I know a ton of single fathers and they are all present on their kids lives except for a chosen few who have bitter exes who use the kids as pawns.
and yeah.. I know deadbeats exist.
**************** TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*
legsdiamond Member since May 05th 2011 79560 posts
Fri Jan-24-20 02:29 PM
29. "Recent dats shows we are the best at spending time with our kids" In response to Reply # 27
**************** TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*
32. "Being active based on self reports" In response to Reply # 23 Fri Jan-24-20 07:59 PM by Mori
I've read those stats and the data are based on men who self report their level of participation in their children's lives.
I do agree with you and believe that the stereotype for men 45 and under has died out. I see very active men in my kid's school of all class and education levels. Dudes with tattoed faces, dusty and smoke blunts are still very active.
However, I overwhelmingly see more black women as single moms. This could be because I live in a place where most white people have money so it is easy to stay together as a family.
But overall, compared to other races, I have never heard of a black man fight for his child about to be adopted. This is an uplifting and hopeful situation. I hope he gets his baby.
20. "RE: So the mom don´t want her, but also does not want you" In response to Reply # 17
pretty much sums it all up... She's upset that our relationship didn't work out, so this might be her way of getting back at me but I really hope that isn't true..
but there isn't a logical reason for her skipping me and going straight to giving our baby up for adoption.
I will say this tho.. No shade but it’s prolly a bad idea to tell a woman who is pregnant with your child that you don’t want to be with them.
It’s rare for a person to remain respectful when being rejected.
Not saying you should lie but ummm, maybe you need to court her a bit or give her some hope while trying to come to a resolution with the baby?
Just a thought.
**************** TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*
>No shade but I think it’s obvious... > >I will say this tho.. No shade but it’s prolly a bad idea to >tell a woman who is pregnant with your child that you don’t >want to be with them. > >It’s rare for a person to remain respectful when being >rejected. > >Not saying you should lie but ummm, maybe you need to court >her a bit or give her some hope while trying to come to a >resolution with the baby? > >Just a thought.
Oh I get it.. it's probably semantics, but I never actually said that. But I did tell her that I didn't think our relationship would last if she didn't get some mental health therapy (which may be worse).
I've left out a HUGE chunk of information but her idea of hope was talking about marriage.. that I couldn't do.
mostly because she was already married (separated for two years).
legsdiamond Member since May 05th 2011 79560 posts
Fri Jan-24-20 02:27 PM
28. "You told her she was crazy? " In response to Reply # 25
Yikes!!!
I know you said mental health issues but I’m sure it was processed in the rudest way fathomable.. if that makes sense.
Good luck bruh.
**************** TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*
34. "RE: You told her she was crazy? " In response to Reply # 28
>Yikes!!! > >I know you said mental health issues but I’m sure it was >processed in the rudest way fathomable.. if that makes sense. > > >Good luck bruh.
Oh I knew the land mine I was stepping on when I said it but it needed to be said. I was even going to do couples counseling as well but she nixed that.
31. "Shit, you MIGHT need therapy now " In response to Reply # 25
>>No shade but I think it’s obvious... >> >>I will say this tho.. No shade but it’s prolly a bad idea >to >>tell a woman who is pregnant with your child that you >don’t >>want to be with them. >> >>It’s rare for a person to remain respectful when being >>rejected. >> >>Not saying you should lie but ummm, maybe you need to court >>her a bit or give her some hope while trying to come to a >>resolution with the baby? >> >>Just a thought. > > >Oh I get it.. it's probably semantics, but I never actually >said that. But I did tell her that I didn't think our >relationship would last if she didn't get some mental health >therapy (which may be worse). > >I've left out a HUGE chunk of information but her idea of hope >was talking about marriage.. that I couldn't do. > > > > >mostly because she was already married (separated for two >years).
Anti-gentrification, cheap alcohol & trying to look pretty in our twilight posting years (c) Big Reg
33. "Just tell her in a caring way " In response to Reply # 24
I think there is a way to tell a woman you don't want a relationship.
You could say:
"I am excited that we are having a baby. I am here to support you even though I am not ready for an emotional or romantic committment. I am committed to being a father and working together as co-parents."
You could say: "I am happy you chose to keep our child. Please let me know how I can support you and our child throughout this process. I would like to discuss the status of our relationship when the child gets here."
You could say: "This is not how I expected to become a father, but I want this child and I am committed to being an active father, despite that you and I are not in a relationship."
I think so many men are so heartless toward pregnant women. It is unreal the things I have heard from men. After the pregnancy, the same men even come back to the woman trying to salvage the relationship!!
> >I am a very pro-active father and the lean towards everything >being mom centric can get frustrating. I hope your daughter >gets to be in your care.... > >That said, you have the right to participate in the naming of >your child. So don't discount it, its important and is your >right. > >Good Luck.
39. "I'm going through something similar" In response to Reply # 0
Change the name
I refuse to call my child by the name that her mother gave her because she gave her that name out of spite to me and not out of love of seeing who the child really was.
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