3. "seriously, I just read this AFTER making this post - Carolyn Hax" In response to Reply # 0
Q: "I was testing you"
I have been dating a woman for a few months. For the most part things are going well, but there's one thing that is increasingly bothering me: She has on a few different occasions "tested" me. Example: She texted me that she was sick and asked if I would take time off work to take her to the doctor. I said I would and she texted back, "OK, you passed! I'm not sick, I was just testing you." I have told her that I am extremely uncomfortable with being "tested" like this, but the tests continue. Is this something to break up over?
10. "I felt this way a few ex's ago." In response to Reply # 0
The actions that followed some hypothetical and "What would you do if..." questions made me feel like damn, that shit felt like a 1-question quiz worth 70% of my grade.
I would plead my case to her back then in my 20's, but anyone doing this to me in their 30's and above is free to leave.
44. "being predictable? " In response to Reply # 11
like. I know you well enough to predict your behavior. she may be offended that you’re not paying enough attention. not sure if it’s the same as reading minds, tho
legsdiamond Member since May 05th 2011 79586 posts
Wed Nov-20-19 08:03 AM
15. "did your wife love you at first sight? " In response to Reply # 13
You had to show your loyalty, honesty, commitment to gain her trust...
I don’t think a person should have to pass dumb test like calling on a certain day or texting a certain amount of times but you definitely have to show and prove over time.
I didn’t have any test for my wife but I damn sure tested her patience... lol
**************** TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*
22. ""Earn" is so....i dunno....I don't like the connotation i guess....but" In response to Reply # 15
I guess putting it the way you did makes it palatable.
>You had to show your loyalty, honesty, commitment to gain her >trust... > >I don’t think a person should have to pass dumb test like >calling on a certain day or texting a certain amount of times >but you definitely have to show and prove over time. > >I didn’t have any test for my wife but I damn sure tested >her patience... lol > > >
legsdiamond Member since May 05th 2011 79586 posts
Wed Nov-20-19 11:27 AM
24. "It’s easy to get hung up on the word" In response to Reply # 22
but let’s be honest.
Ain’t no one out here loving someone who hasn’t “earned” their trust.
**************** TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*
legsdiamond Member since May 05th 2011 79586 posts
Wed Nov-20-19 08:05 AM
16. "and usually it’s more than 1 or 2 things" In response to Reply # 14
Test is a trigger word but you have to do the right thing in certain situations to gain trust, commitment, love, etc
**************** TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*
29. "This is an important question because......"we're" murky about...." In response to Reply # 17
power issues
i.e. Women "usually" have so MUCH that men want (body, feminity, etc.) that all men (from "Joe Schmoes" to in demand celebs) have to "cater"/"pursue" women.
but....
Do some men (or a "significant" amount of men not to make this a "rare" scenario) have SOMETHING that makes women "lose" their "power"/"in demand" status?
i.e. if only really wealthy men have the power to make women try to "earn" those men's love, is it really still generally all about men trying to earn women's love?
40. "its comes down to options and availability, I broke this down for some....." In response to Reply # 29
lady friends who were going back forth over the myth that black men are "intimidated" by successful black women and were going on about how dudes have played them or not tried hard enough or chose "lesser" women over them.
I told them that for men at the top of the "desirability chain" whether that's due to looks, status, money, whatever, that man is going to have options. When he needs a woman he's going to pull up that list of options. If option A is Sally the fine CEO chick but when he tries to plan something with her but she's constantly busy with travel, meetings, etc, he's going to go down the list. If option B is Suzie the fine cocktail waitress and when he hits her up she's like "what time should I be ready?", guess what he's going with?
And that's a simplified version most men at or near the top of the desirability chain have a long list of options and are usually talking to 4 or 5 women at at time and whomever has the best answer that's who he goes with.
Dudes at the top of the chain and women at the "top" of the chain have different goals. Women at the top are look for their "equal" so that they can become the mythical "power couple". Men at the top are not necessarily looking for their equal, they're looking for someone that looks good on their arm.
>power issues > >i.e. Women "usually" have so MUCH that men want (body, >feminity, etc.) that all men (from "Joe Schmoes" to in demand >celebs) have to "cater"/"pursue" women. > >but.... > >Do some men (or a "significant" amount of men not to make this >a "rare" scenario) have SOMETHING that makes women "lose" >their "power"/"in demand" status? > >i.e. if only really wealthy men have the power to make women >try to "earn" those men's love, is it really still generally >all about men trying to earn women's love? > >heh heh > >thanks >
56. "i don't know" In response to Reply # 40 Thu Nov-21-19 12:06 PM by Crash Bandacoot
imo, those types of men probably are not worth the trouble. we all have issues, it's a matter of how much are you willing to deal with. the severity of the issue can have too much depth and it also seems relative.
21. "Some tests are more important than others. If she likes you" In response to Reply # 0
alot, right off the bat, then you pass whatever her most important tests are. The less she likes you initially, the more tests you have to try to pass to turn that around.
legsdiamond Member since May 05th 2011 79586 posts
Wed Nov-20-19 10:40 AM
23. "This post reminds me of Love Jones" In response to Reply # 0
and how she tried to test him when she went to NYC to settle things with her ex.
I know it was a hot debate back in the day.
**************** TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*
If you really feeling a dude why you gotta go backwards? I did that shit myself and played myself in the process. Then get mad when the new person moves on?
I had some nerve... lol.
**************** TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*
28. "She was a grimey chick, man. Just up and bounced to old dude..." In response to Reply # 23
...like it was all good. Darius handled that shit like a real dude, too. Just said "ok" and moved on. THEN she came back and started dating his homey just to throw shit in his face.
Dude's only mistake was getting back w/ her. Should've gave that new jawn a chance.
>...like it was all good. Darius handled that shit like a real >dude, too. Just said "ok" and moved on. THEN she came back and >started dating his homey just to throw shit in his face. > >Dude's only mistake was getting back w/ her. Should've gave >that new jawn a chance.
33. "we all understand that are power dynamics amongst " In response to Reply # 30
couples. every relationship has them. however, this post seems to be more about more intentional manipulation by the woman rather than power.
for me, that's not a genuine relationship. I don't want to be tricked into sticky situations so that she can gauge my response against some arbitrary ass rule of hers. it unfair for either party to do that.
I'd leave the situation if I found out that was happening.
35. "Hmmm....well I think you latched on to the Carolyn Hax" In response to Reply # 33
swipe as THE "specific" method of men "earning" women's love to be explored in this post.
I was making this about a general exploration and only used the Carolyn Hax thing as a "specific" example - not the "only" way that men can "try" to earn a woman's love - specific as in that swipe seemingly displays false traps.
I didn't say this post (in the OP - which was the guide - not the Carolyn Hax swipe) ONLY false tricks can be used to "test" a man.
38. "the premise of testing a person is inherently false tho." In response to Reply # 35
testing sounds like trying to figure out a way to get a response out of a person and then making a decision to continue or not with that person. that's manipulation.
its not an organic way of getting to know someone. relationships will have tests and processies on their own without the need to introduce unnecessary ones into the fray.
42. "I don't think "testing" is inherently false because no one....." In response to Reply # 38
....as Mori's reply indicated, is really obligated to "accept" another person "organically" or any other way.
People can choose to behave and make demand as they see fit without anything "false" necessarily in demands or behavior. The Carolyn Hax swipe thing had falseness and manipulation, but....Mori's thing of letting a man try to do what he "claimed" he could do (fixing something broke in her house) is not "false" in any way you could try to spin it.
49. "we'll just disagree on what testing means." In response to Reply # 42
what Mori described was seeing if the guy was telling the truth about his skills. she found out he lied. but that happened as a natural part of their discourse.
31. "Sometimes the woman is testing herself!" In response to Reply # 0
Tests help women who might be in danger. Sometimes a woman needs to know if a man is crazy, careless, impulsive or overreactive.
My boyfriend is not the guy to have something done quickly but it will get done right. I know this about him and don't try to test him. But I knew from the beginning how he was and just let it be.
Met a new guy and he SWORE he could fix my bathroom sink. I tested him and he failed. I now know that I can't test him with bigger household projects. Boyfriend remains.
legsdiamond Member since May 05th 2011 79586 posts
Wed Nov-20-19 02:51 PM
32. "He failed that shit on purpose" In response to Reply # 31
Dude ain’t trying to be your handyman
**************** TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*
legsdiamond Member since May 05th 2011 79586 posts
Wed Nov-20-19 04:13 PM
36. "Yup. The words make it sound bad" In response to Reply # 34
but I think we all have things we watch for to see if our SO was worthy of our love.
**************** TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*
39. "but you're also not taking her to your mother to manipulate" In response to Reply # 34
a situation. by the time its parent meeting time, you've already mostly decided this person's cool enough to meet mom and mom will likely be fine with her.
legsdiamond Member since May 05th 2011 79586 posts
Wed Nov-20-19 05:08 PM
41. "I dated a hood chick one time " In response to Reply # 39
she was on the phone with her mom while we were on our first date. She said her mom wanted to meet me and handed me the phone.
Mom: do you smoke? Me:not cigarettes Mom: do you drink? Me: yup Mom: well come on then, nigga!!
I guess I passed that test.
**************** TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*
**************** TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*
61. "who doesn't have this as a standard?" In response to Reply # 58
>The TEST is.....having a STANDARD that the person get along >with the parents.
this is semantics. you see test. I see this as how relationships work. no test in that. no setup required. these things are going to happen if the relationship moves forward.
> > >Any STANDARD that is not met ("getting along with parents", >"controlled temper", etc.) can be seen as a "failed test"
we'll disagree. > > >and yes, even if that STANDARD is not EXPLICITLY stated to the >other person.
64. "Why do you think so many inter-racial marriages - not affairs" In response to Reply # 63
happen? (even when the family REALLY doesn't want their son/daughter with someone of another race)?
uh....
because that person of another race probably got something so BANGING that the person says: "I don't care if y'all don't want me with someone of a different race, I GOTTA be with this different race person" (usually for physical reasons)
66. "And you've never heard of them NOT getting that approval but" In response to Reply # 65
still going through with the inter-racial marriage anyway?
yeah, right
Anyway, just like I swiped Carolyn Hax (and have swiped several other advice columns for GD over the years) one of the STANDARD topics in those advice columns usually is:
"My son/daughter married someone we didn't like, now we're totally estrange from that couple. How can we repair the situation?"
It's not hard to speculate interracial marriages cause that usual family estrangment.
legsdiamond Member since May 05th 2011 79586 posts
Thu Nov-21-19 10:04 AM
52. "Never had that test" In response to Reply # 51
I would feel some type of way if I was being checked up on like that
**************** TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*
Frank Longo Member since Nov 18th 2003 86672 posts
Thu Nov-21-19 01:42 PM
60. "I told my wife early on that I don't do "tests."" In response to Reply # 0
I told her I'd never try her on some test shit, and I expected the same in return. If she feels some kind of way about something to just be honest with me, and that I'd always treat her the same. She was down, and to this day, the "tests" have been insanely few and far between-- and always called out the second they pop up.
I did too many tests with exes-- and I'm sure I tested them too. It's pointless. Just be honest all the time.
Printer-friendly copy 
Email this topic to a friend
General Discussion
(5 votes)
(13 votes)
