Y'all, I done fucked up and now I'm feeling type stupid with the wrenched gut. What can I do short of confessing (cause I don't think that's gonna do any good)?

Long story short, I found out after about 1.5 yrs with my girl that shortly after we started seeing each other, she fucked a friend of a friend, after I thought we were already connecting pretty well and I wasn't trying to be out there fucking around.

She told me cause she felt guilty, but it was too much for my pride and I wound up going and and fucking somebody too. It was a stupid and horrible experience, not even enjoyable.

Fast forward a year, and I got this guilt creeping up on me all the time, I think it's even affecting my physically. I would tell her, but why ruin a great relationship because of one stupid mistake? What happened meant nothing, was momentary, and will never happen again.

Fuck!

Any thoughts?

And go to therapy and talk about it.

If you learned your lesson, I don't know what telling her does for HER.


**********
"Everyone has a plan until you punch them in the face. Then they don't have a plan anymore." (c) Mike Tyson

"what's a leader if he isn't reluctant"

Yeah, that therapy might be a good idea

You can let it die a slow, painful death or you can walk away and remain positive with each other (friends).


Also, can you expound on this:

>It was a stupid and horrible experience, not even enjoyable.


...because IMHO the sneaking around is wack-as-hell, but the strange???

I think it was two moments of hurt pride and stupidity on both of our parts

*************************************

Fuck aliens

-Warriorpoet415

#2dopebrothersandastackofwax

https://www.instagram.com/thirtythree.three/

The Greatest Story (N)ever Told (finished)
http://board.okayplayer.com/okp.php?az=show_topic&forum=18&topic_id

Much easier mentally to break up and move on to a new positive relationship, then try and salvage a relationship that's probably far too rotted already.

Not for me.

This is your mind and body telling you to fess up. The feeling won't go away.

Trust and honesty are the basis of a long lasting relationship. Tell her and see how the chips fall. Do the right thing and good luck.

I worry it's just gonna ruin a relationship when it was really nothing, not gonna happen again. Why take away her happiness for a ridiculous moment a year ago?

from my experience honesty really is the best policy.

From what you've written I think it will eat you up and that may affect your relationship anyhow.

Gotta think on that, thanks

WHAT A TIME TO BE ALIVE

Seriously tho, if it’s fucking with your health you may need to dead the relationship or go see a ducking doctor and get some blood work done.

IMO y’all even.

You did some female shit tho.. usually it’s the woman who waits a year and then gets a nigga back.

You still cool with the friend of a friend? Cause if so.. that’s why you did that shit.

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TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*

he found out and immediately did his thing...and is still feeling guilty a year later...if I read it right.

...I'm from the era when A.I. was the answer, now they think ai is the answer - Marlon Craft

Yeah, it was a year ago, but now for some reason I got this delay effect guilt weighing me down.

Don’t be that dude.

Take that shit to the grave like buddy said.

Fuck around and she gonna clap back with some “well, by the way”

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TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*

was it mutual commitment or assumed?

Assumed. Stupid on my part, I know.

if it were me...as the girlfriend, not sure I’d want to know. Things can go left or right depending on how you’ve treated the relationship. If it’s even defined now, is it?

by way of example, when my lover confessed his infidelity to me, my first reaction wasn’t to leave him. I stayed but, he didn’t appreciate it. he was too busy beating himself that he didn’t recognize my fight.

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TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*

I don’t have the energy to type out the details (and nigga YOU need details), but I’ll share it when I do

It’s a masterpiece lol.

relationships are a facade without honesty

tell her about, tell her why you did it, discuss the deeper meaning to the betrayal and decide if y'all can be real with each other

can y'all talk about being attracted to other people without fucking?

can y'all really be yourselves with each other?

can y'all make space for someone to fuck up, come clean, and be forgiven?

is it possible to overcome feelings of sexual ownership and still be in an honest relationship?

if y'all haven't even ever DISCUSSED the above in any fashion, you're not in a "great relationship"

that shit takes work and vulnerability. Maybe neither one of y'all are mature enough.

Just be single, then.

d

That's a lot of food for thought, thanks

After years and years of romance and broken heartedness, I can attest that if you are not honest, this can go nowhere.

Don't think that you can get with a new person and repeat the same passive aggressive bullshit.

Rise & Shine
Thrive & Grind
Heart & Mind

‘ever since you fucked that other dude...i never felt fully secure or completely trusted you. it was a deep emotional wound that never healed. i thought i could get over it by getting under someone else but that only made me love you more and regret betraying you the way you easily betrayed me’.

women fall for stuff like that lol. pretty soon shes gonna feel guilty for making you tap another womans cervix.

always blame the woman for your fuckups. it works.

.

your actual partner. she'll still feel the sting and even if she initially swallows that guilt trip, she'll eventually get around to justifying her side and condemning yours.

i don't even like to do that kind of shit to fuck buddies, i'd rather just be up front. but of course a little convenient manipulation to ride out the string on one side or both is bound to happen there. but this is a lot more serious.

And you will know MY JACKET IS GOLD when I lay my vengeance upon thee.

doesn't get to use that strategy. He should *not* try this.

<--- Big Baller World Order

have you think that telling her is for HER

...

its not

WHAT A TIME TO BE ALIVE

I'd call it even and leave it in the past

______________________________________

Everything looks like Oprah kissing Harvey Weinstein these days

I don’t want to know...

She told him about he one he might’ve found out about

Don’t go back.. go forward.

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TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*

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TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*

trust me. And a relationship built on a lie will die a slow death.

Fess up. It may blow up the relationship. But it also may be a chance for you both to reset with a fresh start.

It wont be easy. Might be the hardest process you ever have to go through. But if you really love her and want to be with her long term, its worth it.

_________________________________________
"Too weird to live.... too rare to die..."

IG: KnowOne215 | PS+ ID: KnowOne215

You are an evolved human having human experiences. This is where monogamy gets hairy. If cheating is a one time fuck...and not an ongoing side relationship where there are ongoing lies that hurt perhaps your kids, etc.... then....

I often tell my lady, if you feel the need to cheat (as in a one time thing) .... keep it safe and don't tell me. Cause when you tell me, then we are done. What I don't know, I don't know. Ignorant is bliss is real.

And as far as I know, neither of us have cheated. Non-issue. In fact .. maybe offering the freedom to go ahead wit it.... has kept her (as far as I know..wink) from doing it.

I say don't beat yourself up about it and move on. Now if you murdered someone and didn't speak up.... now that's fucked up.

werd.

Feels like you did this and didn’t get the satisfaction because she doesn’t know it happened

So you still have visuals of her with dude but she thinks you been faithful and you want to tel her you got it in

Nothing good will come from telling her you did this.

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TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*

delete every mention of this in your phone off your email and every other thing. and never whisper it aloud again.

you been watching too many movies. truth is overrated. you going to fuck around and tell the truth and lose your good thing

Why blow up ya life cuz you feel funny and weird? If it made you feel messed up then endeavour to never do it again. Tell ya pastor, but dont tell her, it's just news made to hurt.

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http://adevotedappraisal.tumblr.com - Essays, reviews, short stories and free writes on music, film and life around us.

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One Hundred.

You already realize its was a mistake and havent dont anything like that since (right..right?), so leave it alone. If its effetcing you so much as you say, go see somebody and I bet after one session youll be fine

>Y'all, I done fucked up and now I'm feeling type stupid with
>the wrenched gut. What can I do short of confessing (cause I
>don't think that's gonna do any good)?
>
>Long story short, I found out after about 1.5 yrs with my girl
>that shortly after we started seeing each other, she fucked a
>friend of a friend, after I thought we were already connecting
>pretty well and I wasn't trying to be out there fucking
>around.
>
>She told me cause she felt guilty, but it was too much for my
>pride and I wound up going and and fucking somebody too. It
>was a stupid and horrible experience, not even enjoyable.
>
>Fast forward a year, and I got this guilt creeping up on me
>all the time, I think it's even affecting my physically. I
>would tell her, but why ruin a great relationship because of
>one stupid mistake? What happened meant nothing, was
>momentary, and will never happen again.
>
>Fuck!
>
>Any thoughts?

your hurt pride made you go fuck

18 months later that moment doesnt matter unless a kid or a STD came from it

forgive yourself in silence and dont listen to anyone suggesting you confess

Tell her, it's mot a good thing if you have to hide the truth.

---------------------------
Signature

Urge to confess is still all about your ego... be mindful of that

By confessing you are trying to put the owness on someone else to process your feelings and ability to be ok (or not) with yourself.

Doing it could solve the issue by eliminating it (end your relationship) while that might feel easier you will never have dealt with the internal "tit for tat" reaction that led you to do it in the first place.

the conditional way in which you apply your respect, trust or love is gonna sneak up on you again if you don't process now.

Double 0
DJ/Producer/Artist
Producer in Kidz In The Hall
-------------------------------------------
twitter: @godouble0
IG: @godouble0
www.thinklikearapper.com

just terrified of actually being honest and real. y'all settle for some fake shit that looks good from the outside.

shit's sad.

d

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ATJhCIeaqo


>just terrified of actually being honest and real. y'all
>settle for some fake shit that looks good from the outside.
>
>shit's sad.
>
>d

cuz yeah i don't do that on here.

you're free to actually use your own words, though.

d

instead of always yapping and running people off.

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TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*

folks can "stay together" AND be vulnerable/honest. but that's too hard and too risky, right? you can do the mental gymnastics to justify lying all you want.

but cowards gonna coward, i guess.

d

Y’all chatty patty asses talk too damn much.

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TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*

****************
TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*

______________________________________

Navem nu, cuando sol
Tutu nu, vondo nos nu
Vita em, no continous non
Nos nu ekta nos sepe ta, amen

When the sun shades the ship
We sweat and life is not safe
To swim or to touch not
When we unite we hedge amen

nice goalpost move tho

lol

and you want your cookie now, or later?

d

Love them enough to stfu

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TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*

somethings are not experienced universally and nothing is absolute.. personally I'm all in and blessed.. and lord knows I've been tested too.

not to mention the subjectivity of what they might define it as for themselves right?... a lot of folks don't even know.

are you telling her for her purposes or yours?

Y'all buy those labels, I was born supreme

... "A Beautiful Struggle"
https://m.facebook.com/jamelabullock
Www.reverbnation.com/jamela

MELa
Musically.Entertaining.Lyrically.Alluring.

Though I don't always feel like it all of the times today I have no doubt there is no one else in the world I would want to be with and feel lucky to have her. If you asked me a year ago the answer might have been differnt.

I also grew up in a two parent household that has been married 40+ years and gone through ups and downs but today my mother is happy even though my father is in a home suffering from dementia.

My cousin's wife who has been married to my cousin for 30 years gave me the best advice when she told me that the secret to marriage is realizing that marriage isn't a straight line but a circle. A circle that goes up and down and she has fallen in and out of love with my cousin many times over the decades.


I give all that background to say, be careful who you get advice from. You got folks lecturing on what a good relationship and you have no idea what there longest healthy relationship. I am going to be bold and claim more authority than most folks because I've been around good models of relationships and plenty of bad models of relationships and I recognize communications is a big part of a good relationship, having a mate who is a best friend is a big part of a healthy relationship and havin the same goals for your family are key among other things.

However, nowhere in all the good advice and good models have I seen total and complete honesty is the key to a happy relationship. Ask anyone who has been in a 30+ year good relationship. If your wife has gained a few pounds and she asks you how she looks, you say she looks amazing every time. That's oversimplified but yeah you get it. You be honest about the things that matter and learn to keep some things to yourself.

Now because you are physically ill I think maybe this matters but I am not convinced that it was the act of cheating that is your underlying problem. It may be more of a symptom. That's why I say, go talk to an expert. Therapy can be a good thing. Good luck.


As I think about this post i might be doing too much because I don't have much of a sense of how serious your relationship is. My advice is for super serious path to marriage relationships. If you are in an early relationship or something not that serious I would avoid needless drama like the plague.




**********
"Everyone has a plan until you punch them in the face. Then they don't have a plan anymore." (c) Mike Tyson

"what's a leader if he isn't reluctant"

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TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*

Talking to a therapist is not going to help their relationship.

...dealt with cheating? LOL.



**********
"Everyone has a plan until you punch them in the face. Then they don't have a plan anymore." (c) Mike Tyson

"what's a leader if he isn't reluctant"

a relationship and how to make it work if we want to.

I can't imagine being in a long term relationship if we've both cheated.

Here is the thing

If you are with someone for more than 10 years you prolly have a night or a moment where someone would define it as cheating.

Hopefully it happens before you get married.

A lot of times it happens after.. and they stay together because people just aren’t perfect.

This idea where people bounce and expect 100% loyalty is fantasy shit.

I’ve known far too many people who have left good relationships over one night or one incident and they have never been a able to find that type of love again.

But everyone is different and some people would rather be alone and perfect than together and flawed.

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TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*

>But everyone is different and some people would rather be
>alone and perfect than together and flawed.
>

I'm planning on getting married next year.

If I cheated I would tell her. I'd prefer to be alone and honest.

and 15 years invested.

You may have every intention of saying something until you realize what you could lose.

I mean. Plenty of people confess.. but plenty dont.

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TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*

>and 15 years invested.
>
>You may have every intention of saying something until you
>realize what you could lose.
>
>I mean. Plenty of people confess.. but plenty dont.

Fair enough.

I get why folks don't and I don't judge them at all.

I recommended to the OP earlier to be honest because I don't think they're down that road yet and the cheating is cutting him up and not a good way forward. But if he works on that and makes a success of his relationship I'll be happy for them both.

that's what you wrote all that for? LOL

yeah that's a gross false equivalency if I've ever heard one

y'all sure do spend alot of keystrokes to defend not being honest about betraying your relationship, but go off, King

d

p.s. the length of a relationship is NOT a direct measure of its success/health. i know plenty of couples who stay together by default but they aren't happy

.

**********
"Everyone has a plan until you punch them in the face. Then they don't have a plan anymore." (c) Mike Tyson

"what's a leader if he isn't reluctant"

_____________________
puttin' the roota in the toota since 98'

exactly


not shocked at some of the responses in here, but everything you said is GOSPEL

_____________________
puttin' the roota in the toota since 98'

honestly, unless you have warm bodies throwing themselves at you, if you love the person you're with, just release yourself. the urge is gone. you're good. move on.

i always lean on howard stern's comments on sex/sex-drive-- paraphrasing-- he doesn't understand why men are always cheating or looking for kinky stuff. he's so happy a woman/his wife will let him sleep with her in the "regular" way that when she's not up to it, he just fires up safari and takes care of it. done. over. move it along.

people are too romantic about sex sometimes. like bin said above, they watch too many movies. everybody needs to just calm down.

********************************************************************




"I *always* quote myself. I'm the only reliable source on *most* subjects" - OKP's First Lady of Knowledge, Janey

cuz i've cheated and didn't flinch an eyelid


maybe I didn't care enough about the particular gf at the time

no empathy.

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Signature

Kota the friend has a line...


“If you about to do something stupid just think about how she feel”

Until you care about someone as much as yourself you will do dirt and not feel a thing. Those also be the same dudes who get cheated on once and never recover.

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TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*

so much dirt has been done that it all just feels normal. having lived in more than one of what i'd consider hyper-sexualized cultures, i've definitely seen that, too. whether it was a party school (uscb, boulder), europe (amsterdam), south american (medellin, rio), i definitely saw people with a sort of acceptance toward cheating and on both ends. one chick summed it up when she was asked "what would you do if you came home and found your boyfriend fucking another woman?" She said, calm AF, "I'd make fun of his stupid ass because you don't let yourself get caught!"

don't get me wrong, i saw the total hypocrites, too. one time i put it on this bad lil blonde mami that i took for a trip up to the coast with me. i just got done knocking the lining out of it and her man calls. she gets all intense with him like he's the one cheating while she's gone. she's like "because he is mine and only mine. i am his and only his!" i just gave her kind of a long sideeye and even she realized how ridiculous that was in context and she started laughing like crazy.

And you will know MY JACKET IS GOLD when I lay my vengeance upon thee.

Real bad dog... bad dog.

Part of it was growing up with a bunch of female friends who were also doing their thing so there was a “game” to it.

Other part was simply not caring to lose the person so it was whatever. It wasn’t until I felt like I had something to lose that I was like “lemme chill”

But then.. in VA these women were ruthless. They approached you, made the moves and had dudes on the side

I guess it comes down to finding the right person. Ause I damn sure treated some women better than they wanted to be treated.