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Subject: "The possibility of losing a parent and how to cope" Previous topic | Next topic
walihorse
Member since Aug 03rd 2006
15710 posts
Mon Aug-05-19 10:40 AM

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"The possibility of losing a parent and how to cope"


  

          

So the past month since the boards took a break, my whole life has been consumed by my Mom's cancer diagnoses.

Founds out on June 26th, that her Colon cancer seemed to had spread to her lungs and other pars of the intestines.

July 14th, we take her to the ER due to a mother of a headache, turns out to be a brain tumor. She had to stay in the hospital to have tests done and to speak with a neurosurgeon. All the focus shifted to the brain. She's scheduled for surgery on the 14th of Aug.

She's been home since the 23rd and the poor thing is miserable from the pain in her head.

I've hadn't dealt with anything like this before. The 1st significant person in my life to pass away was my Grandmom and that was 2 years ago.

I feel a mixture discouragement, numbness, and selfishness. I have never been good at multitasking, so I focus on how I feel and dwell, then move on. But haven't been, moving on. I keep dwelling on me being upset at my mom possibly dying. I'm having hard time focusing on the positives. I get so mad at myself about that.

I stopped excising, eating shit food, ignoring duties at work, and also arguing with my wife. (that will be another post, cuz man did she piss me off).

my mom isn't dead yet, I know that. I can't help but think about it and it just putting me down. Any insight?

Thank you

If a fat guy falls in the woods and there is no one around to see it, do the trees laugh?

  

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Topic Outline
Subject Author Message Date ID
You have my empathy...my mom passed on the 23rd of July
Aug 05th 2019
1
I'm very sorry for your loss.
Aug 05th 2019
2
Don't be hard on yourself. There's no right way to grieve.
Aug 05th 2019
5
Thank you
Aug 05th 2019
7
Thank you
Aug 05th 2019
8
      That is the biggest positive right now
Aug 05th 2019
9
Very sorry for your loss.
Aug 05th 2019
4
Thanks Brew
Aug 05th 2019
11
My condolences, bruh! To you and all of yours.
Aug 05th 2019
10
Thank you fam...appreciated.
Aug 05th 2019
12
My condolences
Aug 05th 2019
19
Thank you
Aug 06th 2019
35
Sorry for your loss
Aug 05th 2019
23
      Thank you also
Aug 06th 2019
36
I lost my mom to cancer when I was 15.
Aug 05th 2019
3
Thank you for that
Aug 05th 2019
6
both my parents are gone
Aug 05th 2019
13
My condolences.
Aug 05th 2019
17
My pops died in March
Aug 05th 2019
14
Sorry for your loss
Aug 05th 2019
16
Peace yo
Aug 05th 2019
15
Peace to you too and thank you.
Aug 05th 2019
18
Peace
Aug 05th 2019
20
Thank you
Aug 06th 2019
27
I feel you...
Aug 05th 2019
21
Record them if not video audio
Aug 05th 2019
22
When we were first told the diagnoses my wife brought this idea up
Aug 06th 2019
28
cherish the time
Aug 05th 2019
24
Yeah, I learned this 2 weeks ago
Aug 06th 2019
29
I wish you didn't have to go through this
Aug 06th 2019
25
I had been meaning to post on her about this since 3 weeks ago
Aug 06th 2019
30
      I'm glad we can be here for you as we can.
Aug 07th 2019
38
I can't say too much but..
Aug 06th 2019
26
I feel like saying fuck it all
Aug 06th 2019
31
I lost my mom last week...so I feel you
Aug 06th 2019
32
Sorry for your loss
Aug 06th 2019
33
sorry for your loss.
Aug 07th 2019
37
Sorry for your loss.
Aug 08th 2019
39
Condolences fam. Seems a few of us are going through it.
Aug 12th 2019
45
Grieve later, spend all the time you can with your mom and support her
Aug 06th 2019
34
Mom is presently in the hospital
Aug 08th 2019
40
Got some good news, Her surgery got moved up to the 12th.
Aug 09th 2019
41
RE: Got some good news, Her surgery got moved up to the 12th.
Aug 11th 2019
43
The only thing that you can do is just be supportive...
Aug 09th 2019
42
Its not looking good
Aug 12th 2019
44
Sorry to hear it
Aug 12th 2019
46
Thank you
Aug 12th 2019
48
Do your best to be the light she needs right now. It may seem daunting.....
Aug 12th 2019
47
Thank you
Aug 12th 2019
49
strength and love to you and yours walihorse... nm
Aug 12th 2019
51
man this is tough, i wish you the best
Aug 12th 2019
52
Such devastating news.
Aug 13th 2019
53
Stay strong, keep a level head about what needs doing, and don't
Aug 12th 2019
50
*hugs alla y'all* *prays for alla y'all*
Aug 13th 2019
54
Hugs for everybody (nm).
Aug 14th 2019
55

auragin_boi
Member since Aug 01st 2003
20545 posts
Mon Aug-05-19 11:04 AM

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1. "You have my empathy...my mom passed on the 23rd of July"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

Funeral was this past Friday.

I'm not gonna lie to you...it's hard. I had to sit with it for a week and a half and thankfully, I wasn't at work the entire time.

All I can say is, relish in the moments you still have left. I spoke with my mother the day before she passed, was making plans to have her over to the house this coming weekend so she could see all her grandkids. Was just checking up on her on my way to work. The next day, she was gone. Last words we said to each other were "I love you" so I take some solace in that (made that a habit in the last 5 yrs because she had growing health issues and I never knew when would be the last time we spoke).

There's a deep pit of sadness in me. And I went through all the emotions you went through right after she passed (anger, worry, loss of appetite, arguments, etc). I've lost 7 lbs since she passed. Today is my first day back in the office and I've been pretty useless. I've done a couple of things and I'll ramp up as the day goes on but, yeah, losing moms is just...hard.

All I can offer is; work through it, try to find good distractions, focus on the best times and understand that it's ok to grieve. Eventually, the pain will dissipate and you'll be able to move forward. The sadness will hover for a while though...and that's normal.

____________
My Kids:
https://youtu.be/Tti0SHGkpVk
The W5 – “Swerve”
Official Video

Available on:
https://open.spotify.com/album/5ZkYYasL3k8JlvjyN5w1kL
https://tidal.com/browse/album/95038805
iTunes/Apple Music
Google Play

Thanks4UrSupport

  

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walihorse
Member since Aug 03rd 2006
15710 posts
Mon Aug-05-19 11:23 AM

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2. "I'm very sorry for your loss."
In response to Reply # 1


  

          

Thank you for the kind words. I have definitely changed the way I communicate with her, not only because of the discomfort she is feeling, but also to make sure I am saying those words that are important.

I am having so much self doubt its making me feel like in quicksand. I'm mad at myself for letting myself be like this, but then I think that this is how I am coping, then I get upset more, cuz why am I grieving if she hasn't passed yet and its possible she may not.

Its so confusing.

If a fat guy falls in the woods and there is no one around to see it, do the trees laugh?

  

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Brew
Member since Nov 23rd 2002
17677 posts
Mon Aug-05-19 11:35 AM

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5. "Don't be hard on yourself. There's no right way to grieve."
In response to Reply # 2


          

>Thank you for the kind words. I have definitely changed the
>way I communicate with her, not only because of the discomfort
>she is feeling, but also to make sure I am saying those words
>that are important.
>
>I am having so much self doubt its making me feel like in
>quicksand. I'm mad at myself for letting myself be like this,
>but then I think that this is how I am coping, then I get
>upset more, cuz why am I grieving if she hasn't passed yet and
>its possible she may not.
>
>Its so confusing.

Of course it's confusing - no one ever plans ahead to lose a parent. Everyone's learning on the fly because it's obviously morbid as hell to ever consider "what will I do when my loved one is dying .."

You're grieving ahead of her death as a defense mechanism. It's natural. I can't speak for everyone but I definitely did a lot of that when I was all but certain my mom wouldn't beat her latest round of cancer.

One of our neighbors gave us a book about grieving, a few months before my mom passed. My dad read it first then gave it to me and my brother - it was a quick read and really helpful. It put things in perspective better than anything else I'd be told or read. I'm gonna try and find it so I can refer you to it, I'm hoping I still have it somewhere or will recall the name shortly. I'll let you know.

----------------------------------------

"Fuck aliens." © WarriorPoet415

  

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walihorse
Member since Aug 03rd 2006
15710 posts
Mon Aug-05-19 11:38 AM

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7. "Thank you"
In response to Reply # 5


  

          

This pre-grieving has me scared for the real thing

If a fat guy falls in the woods and there is no one around to see it, do the trees laugh?

  

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auragin_boi
Member since Aug 01st 2003
20545 posts
Mon Aug-05-19 11:43 AM

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8. "Thank you"
In response to Reply # 2


  

          

And I know you beat yourself up over your feelings but hopefully you can come to terms with them. It's natural and no one expects you to be 'normal' through this. You shouldn't expect it from yourself either.

It's also ok to grieve her illness. Serious health issues take a toll and my mom bounced back from various things many times (so often that I feel like I took it a little for granted). But I worried alot about her at first. Then I realized she'd likely not have an extended life as things carried on. It took about 8 yrs for my mom to deteriorate in health to the point that it took her life.

If your mom pulls through, it becomes that much more important to relish/enjoy your time with her. But there's nothing wrong with being sad at the possibility that she won't, because that's very real also.

Be as strong as you can, try to find distractions (healthy ones, I spent extra time with my kids, my niece and nephew) and be as receptive to your time with her as you can be (get everything you can out of it). Because the blessing for you is, you still have that time. My mom went without us having a certainty about it. I would have much rather been able to talk to her in a hospital for a few months rather than it being sudden.

____________
My Kids:
https://youtu.be/Tti0SHGkpVk
The W5 – “Swerve”
Official Video

Available on:
https://open.spotify.com/album/5ZkYYasL3k8JlvjyN5w1kL
https://tidal.com/browse/album/95038805
iTunes/Apple Music
Google Play

Thanks4UrSupport

  

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walihorse
Member since Aug 03rd 2006
15710 posts
Mon Aug-05-19 11:47 AM

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9. "That is the biggest positive right now"
In response to Reply # 8


  

          

especially with what happened over the weekend, I have to be grateful I still can speak with her.

I plan to make the best out of any interactions I have with her.

If a fat guy falls in the woods and there is no one around to see it, do the trees laugh?

  

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Brew
Member since Nov 23rd 2002
17677 posts
Mon Aug-05-19 11:31 AM

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4. "Very sorry for your loss."
In response to Reply # 1


          

It's so great that you have that final memory of exchanging I love yous before she passed. A lot of people (obviously) don't get that kind of closure and spend a lot of time with regret about that kind of thing. You'll realize later how helpful it is to have that finality to your relationship w/her.

I actually don't remember the last words my mother and I said to eachother, but like I said in my post below I have months worth of incredible memories w/her because we knew she only had so much time left so my dad, my brother, my mom and I made the absolute most of whatever limited time we thought we had left. So thankfully I have a kind of closure even if I don't necessarily remember our last conversation specifically.

----------------------------------------

"Fuck aliens." © WarriorPoet415

  

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auragin_boi
Member since Aug 01st 2003
20545 posts
Mon Aug-05-19 11:50 AM

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11. "Thanks Brew"
In response to Reply # 4


  

          

It's highlighted because I spoke to her the day prior. I actually hadn't followed up with her in a little over a week. Her birthday was on July 12th and I hadn't talked to her since her bday. It was like I was granted one last convo and it was right on time.

But I agree. I found peace in those being our last words.

>It's so great that you have that final memory of exchanging I
>love yous before she passed. A lot of people (obviously) don't
>get that kind of closure and spend a lot of time with regret
>about that kind of thing. You'll realize later how helpful it
>is to have that finality to your relationship w/her.
>
>I actually don't remember the last words my mother and I said
>to eachother, but like I said in my post below I have months
>worth of incredible memories w/her because we knew she only
>had so much time left so my dad, my brother, my mom and I made
>the absolute most of whatever limited time we thought we had
>left. So thankfully I have a kind of closure even if I don't
>necessarily remember our last conversation specifically.

____________
My Kids:
https://youtu.be/Tti0SHGkpVk
The W5 – “Swerve”
Official Video

Available on:
https://open.spotify.com/album/5ZkYYasL3k8JlvjyN5w1kL
https://tidal.com/browse/album/95038805
iTunes/Apple Music
Google Play

Thanks4UrSupport

  

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Creole
Charter member
15171 posts
Mon Aug-05-19 11:49 AM

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10. "My condolences, bruh! To you and all of yours. "
In response to Reply # 1


  

          

--- praying for peace, love, and power

  

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auragin_boi
Member since Aug 01st 2003
20545 posts
Mon Aug-05-19 11:55 AM

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12. "Thank you fam...appreciated."
In response to Reply # 10


  

          

____________
My Kids:
https://youtu.be/Tti0SHGkpVk
The W5 – “Swerve”
Official Video

Available on:
https://open.spotify.com/album/5ZkYYasL3k8JlvjyN5w1kL
https://tidal.com/browse/album/95038805
iTunes/Apple Music
Google Play

Thanks4UrSupport

  

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AFRICAN
Charter member
11790 posts
Mon Aug-05-19 03:53 PM

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19. "My condolences "
In response to Reply # 1


  

          

.

http://perspectivesudans.blogspot.com/
instagram:@3rdworldview
Blessed be the Lord /who believe any mess they read up on the message board

  

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auragin_boi
Member since Aug 01st 2003
20545 posts
Tue Aug-06-19 05:17 PM

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35. "Thank you"
In response to Reply # 19


  

          

____________
My Kids:
https://youtu.be/Tti0SHGkpVk
The W5 – “Swerve”
Official Video

Available on:
https://open.spotify.com/album/5ZkYYasL3k8JlvjyN5w1kL
https://tidal.com/browse/album/95038805
iTunes/Apple Music
Google Play

Thanks4UrSupport

  

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wluv
Member since Jan 27th 2003
4257 posts
Mon Aug-05-19 10:55 PM

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23. "Sorry for your loss"
In response to Reply # 1


  

          

Peace to you and yours

  

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auragin_boi
Member since Aug 01st 2003
20545 posts
Tue Aug-06-19 05:18 PM

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36. "Thank you also"
In response to Reply # 23


  

          

____________
My Kids:
https://youtu.be/Tti0SHGkpVk
The W5 – “Swerve”
Official Video

Available on:
https://open.spotify.com/album/5ZkYYasL3k8JlvjyN5w1kL
https://tidal.com/browse/album/95038805
iTunes/Apple Music
Google Play

Thanks4UrSupport

  

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Brew
Member since Nov 23rd 2002
17677 posts
Mon Aug-05-19 11:26 AM

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3. "I lost my mom to cancer when I was 15."
In response to Reply # 0
Mon Aug-05-19 11:28 AM by Brew

          

Everybody grieves differently. You shouldn't feel bad about being short-tempered and unfocused. Your wife, of all people, should recognize what you're going through and adjust accordingly.

Anyway I just realized last year that I've now lived more of my life *without* my mother than I lived with her, which is just wild to me. Feels like only a few years ago she was still here. I wouldn't say it ever gets better but it definitely gets easier. Eventually you start to remember the good memories rather than grieving the loss and thinking about the last months/years when she was sick. And you realize that her spirit is *always* with you no matter what. I'm not religious at all but I am a firm believer in souls and energies staying with your loved ones long after you die; I can literally feel it.

It's hard to give advice because everyone reacts to these things differently, everyone's relationships with their loved ones is all their own. But that said - I was in high school and found solace in focusing hard on school work and sports and just trying to use the negative energy I was feeling as an outlet to be more productive, cause I knew that was what she would've wanted - for me to dig in and move on to the best of my ability. In your case, I'd try and just dig into your work. I know it's near impossible to focus on anything *but* the situation at home but I'm telling you, it's massively helpful to channel that energy to help minimize the pain and negative thoughts.

Also, spend as much time with her as you can while you still can. You'll cherish those moments for the rest of your life. Some of my fondest memories with my mom were from the last few months of her life and I learned some of the most important lessons from her during that time as well.

Peace to you and your whole fam. Feel free to reach out anytime if you have other questions or just want to vent about everything. I often have conversations with friends/folks going through this, since I've had so much time now to digest and gain some perspective on it. So I'm happy to help if I can at all.

----------------------------------------

"Fuck aliens." © WarriorPoet415

  

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walihorse
Member since Aug 03rd 2006
15710 posts
Mon Aug-05-19 11:36 AM

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6. "Thank you for that"
In response to Reply # 3


  

          

Yeah my wife is having a difficult time because she and I handle things differently. I internalize everything, I carry thing for a extended period and then usually I am able to move on. She likes to talk about everything and anything to do with a situation.

she's gotten upset for me not talking to her or me getting upset cause I ask her to not bombard me with conversation but what I just explained or updated her on. I feel like she is constantly asking, what about this with your mom, what about this, who is doing that, where is this, when such and such. I can't do that. After 3 or 4 hypothetical or follow up question I lose my patience.

Focusing on work like you did is what I want, but I am having a difficult time with it right now. I'm scared I will be worse if she does die soon.

If a fat guy falls in the woods and there is no one around to see it, do the trees laugh?

  

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Dr Claw
Member since Jun 25th 2003
129935 posts
Mon Aug-05-19 12:01 PM

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13. "both my parents are gone"
In response to Reply # 0
Mon Aug-05-19 12:01 PM by Dr Claw

  

          

my mother to cancer, 28 years back
my father to a car accident, 9 years ago

very traumatic moments. for the latter, people here reached out in ways I'll never forget. I was gone for about a year from here and pretty much from life outside of work and necessities for about a number of years

shit's rough, no matter the circumstance

  

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walihorse
Member since Aug 03rd 2006
15710 posts
Mon Aug-05-19 02:18 PM

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17. "My condolences."
In response to Reply # 13


  

          

If I recall you're married, were you married at the time?

(my bad if I mixed you up with another poster)

If a fat guy falls in the woods and there is no one around to see it, do the trees laugh?

  

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jimaveli
Charter member
4864 posts
Mon Aug-05-19 12:16 PM

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14. "My pops died in March"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

I'll give you my advice first: get everything as organized as possible. Ask all of the questions that no one wants to ask. More than that, make absolute sure that she knows you love and appreciate her. Retell hilarious stories and memories. Try to spend SOME amount of time just hanging out. As you can imagine, a person with cancer pretty much has to deal with, think about, and talk about cancer all the damn day long. A break from that every now and then is very good.


Now...my perspective:

My pops died March 19, 2019. 5:05 PM on a Tuesday at the house on his 4th day of hospice if more deets are desired.

He got a stage 4 colon cancer diagnosis in August of 2016. They gave him a 50/50 shot of living 2.5 years. He made it about that long. I went to most of his chemo infusions, doctor's visits, all of that.

Chemo worked VERY well at first. He even got well enough to get the big tumor in his colon removed in July of 2017. After that, the 'clean up' chemo didn't work as well. He had to switch meds a few times. Of course, each have different side effects.

I didn't really start thinking he wasn't gonna make it until the fall of 2018. After a while, he had slipped on his key/basic habits (staying active, eating a regular/decent diet, STAYING HYDRATED). It eventually dried him out to the point where he ended up having a 'mild' stroke Christmas 2018. Allegedly, it wasn't cancer on his brain, but it had started spreading all into his core. The dehydration was viewed as the cause of the stroke.

Cancer and some chemos mess with your blood quite a bit. That's a big reason why they ask that you hydrate. Anyway, he got a bladder infection around the same time. Here's the lamest thing I found out during this time: you can't take antibiotics and chemo at the same time. They'll nullify each other.

With that, my pops was basically screwed. He kept getting infections, his cancer spread, and never stayed out of the hospital for more than 2 weeks. He eventually got sentenced to hospice the Friday before he died. They said he'd make it 4 weeks max. He died 4 days later.

It's been almost 5 months and I can't tell you that it gets a whole lot better unless you decide to push yourself back towards healthy habits. I got my hydration on track, but I'm still eating horribly and I can't keep a workout schedule to save my life. I actually sat down at the desk to put together my August workout plan before I saw this message.


>So the past month since the boards took a break, my whole
>life has been consumed by my Mom's cancer diagnoses.
>
>Founds out on June 26th, that her Colon cancer seemed to had
>spread to her lungs and other pars of the intestines.
>
>July 14th, we take her to the ER due to a mother of a
>headache, turns out to be a brain tumor. She had to stay in
>the hospital to have tests done and to speak with a
>neurosurgeon. All the focus shifted to the brain. She's
>scheduled for surgery on the 14th of Aug.
>
>She's been home since the 23rd and the poor thing is miserable
>from the pain in her head.
>
>I've hadn't dealt with anything like this before. The 1st
>significant person in my life to pass away was my Grandmom and
>that was 2 years ago.
>
>I feel a mixture discouragement, numbness, and selfishness. I
>have never been good at multitasking, so I focus on how I feel
>and dwell, then move on. But haven't been, moving on. I keep
>dwelling on me being upset at my mom possibly dying. I'm
>having hard time focusing on the positives. I get so mad at
>myself about that.
>
>I stopped excising, eating shit food, ignoring duties at work,
>and also arguing with my wife. (that will be another post, cuz
>man did she piss me off).
>
>my mom isn't dead yet, I know that. I can't help but think
>about it and it just putting me down. Any insight?
>
>Thank you

  

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walihorse
Member since Aug 03rd 2006
15710 posts
Mon Aug-05-19 02:16 PM

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16. "Sorry for your loss "
In response to Reply # 14


  

          

While at her house this weekend, she brought up estate planning. She seems prepared to talk about this, which I commend her for.

My siblings and I did not want to bring it up to her in any way. Now that she has, I know its going to be a relief for her to not have this on her mind.


You really went through it man, not sure what the right words are, but I'm happy that you were as much a part of what your dad was going through as possible. I know it had to be difficult, but that time spent together is irreplaceable. I will focus on that.

If a fat guy falls in the woods and there is no one around to see it, do the trees laugh?

  

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legsdiamond
Member since May 05th 2011
62026 posts
Mon Aug-05-19 01:23 PM

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15. "Peace yo"
In response to Reply # 0


          

I lost both parents.

Mom 10 years ago in a car accident
Dad 2 or 3 years ago due to heart failure.

I can’t even remember exactly how long ago it was for my Dad because it was a blur and I’m still processing it. I knew it was coming but I thought I had more time. We were in a good place but still, shit hurt me bad. Make sure you enjoy the little moments while you have them.

shut up already, damn

  

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walihorse
Member since Aug 03rd 2006
15710 posts
Mon Aug-05-19 02:18 PM

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18. "Peace to you too and thank you. "
In response to Reply # 15


  

          

If a fat guy falls in the woods and there is no one around to see it, do the trees laugh?

  

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AFRICAN
Charter member
11790 posts
Mon Aug-05-19 03:53 PM

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20. "Peace"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

.

http://perspectivesudans.blogspot.com/
instagram:@3rdworldview
Blessed be the Lord /who believe any mess they read up on the message board

  

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walihorse
Member since Aug 03rd 2006
15710 posts
Tue Aug-06-19 09:45 AM

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27. "Thank you"
In response to Reply # 20


  

          

If a fat guy falls in the woods and there is no one around to see it, do the trees laugh?

  

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Trinity444
Charter member
40065 posts
Mon Aug-05-19 07:00 PM

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21. "I feel you..."
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

im thankful to still have my parents but I’ve been thinking more about not having them around...especially as I’m getting older lol

I’ve been spending more time with my mother. Having conversations that we couldn’t in the past and cherishing those moments. we’ve learned a lot about each other. Who I am makes more sense now...

If your not already, spend as much time with her being vulnerable...

  

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Musa
Member since Mar 08th 2006
15197 posts
Mon Aug-05-19 08:12 PM

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22. "Record them if not video audio"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

talk about things that bring them joy.

Play some of their favorite music.

Eat with them.

Have them tell their story(if they want to and they will get a kick usually out of all the things they have done and went through).

Bless you and your family!

<----

Soundcloud.com/aquil84

(HIP HOP)
http://aquil.bandcamp.com

  

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walihorse
Member since Aug 03rd 2006
15710 posts
Tue Aug-06-19 09:46 AM

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28. "When we were first told the diagnoses my wife brought this idea up"
In response to Reply # 22


  

          

I would definitely audio record, my mom hates being on video or taking pictures.

If a fat guy falls in the woods and there is no one around to see it, do the trees laugh?

  

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wluv
Member since Jan 27th 2003
4257 posts
Mon Aug-05-19 11:02 PM

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24. "cherish the time"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

i lost my dad when i was 16, many many years ago. He passed from brain cancer also.

And i still think about him.

Your range of emotions is typical but know that time and words, especially now, is something you wont ever get back so treat mom with all the kindness you can. Even if she's having a cranky day, tell her a funny memory to make her laugh.

Good luck with your mother and i hope she recovers completely.

  

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walihorse
Member since Aug 03rd 2006
15710 posts
Tue Aug-06-19 09:51 AM

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29. "Yeah, I learned this 2 weeks ago"
In response to Reply # 24


  

          

The tumor is basically on her forehead towards the middle of her brow. She has been in the worst mood. After the initial hospital stay at home, she was in a lot of pain and she was mean. She was not sparing feelings. I got annoyed and upset because, I'm doing all I can to help and she is basically shitting on us.

My sister and I talked each other down, cuz we were both feeling bad from the verbal lashing we get.

Now I just listen and not react. You never know how someone will act in a time like this.

If a fat guy falls in the woods and there is no one around to see it, do the trees laugh?

  

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obsidianchrysalis
Member since Jan 29th 2003
7144 posts
Tue Aug-06-19 12:51 AM

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25. "I wish you didn't have to go through this"
In response to Reply # 0
Tue Aug-06-19 12:52 AM by obsidianchrysalis

  

          

There's no right way to grieve as Brew and others have said.

Like you, I internalize more than I express. But if you can, try talking to someone about your feelings. If not your wife then a friend or a relative you trust. If talking about it still feels too much, you could try an audio or typed journal to work through your thoughts and feelings.

Also, there are support groups for people going through losing a loved one from cancer or other illnesses. You may want to tap into one of those. Even if you don't share anything, they're good ways to learn from others how to cope with grief.

Finally, spirituality, if you have a relationship with God, The Creator or whatever you connect with on a spiritual or philosophical level can give solace and guidance during grief. I don't know if you're religious, but even if you aren't there are many pastors, priests(esses), teachers who have written timely books on grief and loss. One of them may help you during this time.

I know the last thing you may want to do in a time like this is to open up and be vulnerable and lose control but ironically it is the best way to handle your justifiably strong and confusing emotions.



  

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walihorse
Member since Aug 03rd 2006
15710 posts
Tue Aug-06-19 09:53 AM

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30. "I had been meaning to post on her about this since 3 weeks ago"
In response to Reply # 25


  

          

I don't post personal things on FB or Insta. Here though, I know for the most part is a group of people I may never meet, nor have I ever actually interacted with this community, but it is my sound board.

If a fat guy falls in the woods and there is no one around to see it, do the trees laugh?

  

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obsidianchrysalis
Member since Jan 29th 2003
7144 posts
Wed Aug-07-19 06:23 PM

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38. "I'm glad we can be here for you as we can."
In response to Reply # 30


  

          

Definitely report back as your experience with grief continues.

  

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NoDrawls McGraw
Member since Jun 24th 2007
12073 posts
Tue Aug-06-19 04:17 AM

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26. "I can't say too much but.."
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

..when I lost my Nana, I was out in deez streetz on some, "Me against the World" type shit.

Don't do dat...

My mother is still here but I worry about her diet(she eats nothin but sweets/sodium based-foods, chips and allat). I be tryna check her but, its MaDukez, I can only go so far. But I feel your pain Bruh!



Endure...






https://chriswind.bandcamp.com/track/massage

"You can take an African out of Africa, but you can't take Africa out of the African"
Afro-Americana/Afro-Caribbana/Afro-Latino unite. We are ALL Black!

  

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walihorse
Member since Aug 03rd 2006
15710 posts
Tue Aug-06-19 10:02 AM

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31. "I feel like saying fuck it all"
In response to Reply # 26


  

          

Not worry or care about things as long as I am feeling ok.

Trying to get out of that

If a fat guy falls in the woods and there is no one around to see it, do the trees laugh?

  

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tully_blanchard
Charter member
6435 posts
Tue Aug-06-19 03:57 PM

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32. "I lost my mom last week...so I feel you"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

Each day gets harder, cause thats one more day that she's not here.

I really hate it for my dad..those convos we had while I was home? Shit...it's got me really thinking about moving back home.




*************************************

Fuck aliens

-Warriorpoet415

#2dopebrothersandastackofwax

https://www.instagram.com/thirtythree.three/

The Greatest Story (N)ever Told (finished)
http://board.okayplayer.com/okp.php?az=show_topic&forum=18&topic_id

  

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wluv
Member since Jan 27th 2003
4257 posts
Tue Aug-06-19 04:27 PM

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33. "Sorry for your loss"
In response to Reply # 32


  

          

  

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walihorse
Member since Aug 03rd 2006
15710 posts
Wed Aug-07-19 07:34 AM

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37. "sorry for your loss. "
In response to Reply # 32


  

          

If a fat guy falls in the woods and there is no one around to see it, do the trees laugh?

  

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obsidianchrysalis
Member since Jan 29th 2003
7144 posts
Thu Aug-08-19 02:10 AM

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39. "Sorry for your loss."
In response to Reply # 32


  

          

  

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auragin_boi
Member since Aug 01st 2003
20545 posts
Mon Aug-12-19 09:45 AM

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45. "Condolences fam. Seems a few of us are going through it."
In response to Reply # 32


  

          

____________
My Kids:
https://youtu.be/Tti0SHGkpVk
The W5 – “Swerve”
Official Video

Available on:
https://open.spotify.com/album/5ZkYYasL3k8JlvjyN5w1kL
https://tidal.com/browse/album/95038805
iTunes/Apple Music
Google Play

Thanks4UrSupport

  

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ConcreteCharlie
Member since Nov 21st 2002
70979 posts
Tue Aug-06-19 04:52 PM

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34. "Grieve later, spend all the time you can with your mom and support her"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

And you will know MY JACKET IS GOLD when I lay my vengeance upon thee.

  

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JellyBean
Charter member
16874 posts
Thu Aug-08-19 06:23 AM

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40. "Mom is presently in the hospital"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

She's been since Monday. Pneumonia, gallstones...worried is an understatement.

They are talking surgery...total removal of the gallbladder. She has diabetes, COPD, high cholesterol and blood pressure.

I've been somewhat mentally prepared for her death since she had her stroke back in 2010...but this is something else. My baby was with her when she was rushed to the hospital early Monday morning.

Thanks for this post!

"Holier than thou never sits well with me."(c)janey

"OKP spends way too much time looking for ways to be offended." ~legsdiamond


http://twitter.com/jeleighbean

  

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walihorse
Member since Aug 03rd 2006
15710 posts
Fri Aug-09-19 08:44 AM

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41. "Got some good news, Her surgery got moved up to the 12th. "
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

I spent the afternoon with at her house yesterday. She was resting and trying to sleep, so we didn't get to talk much.

The pain and discomfort from the tumor makes her not want to talk for too long. She's not eating much which has me worried, but we are trying to give her, her space and comfort.

She asked me to look into getting her a "hospital" bed for her. That while makes sense, has freaked me out. It is makes me picture her in that bed in her room, fading away.

If a fat guy falls in the woods and there is no one around to see it, do the trees laugh?

  

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obsidianchrysalis
Member since Jan 29th 2003
7144 posts
Sun Aug-11-19 10:43 PM

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43. "RE: Got some good news, Her surgery got moved up to the 12th. "
In response to Reply # 41


  

          

>I spent the afternoon with at her house yesterday. She was
>resting and trying to sleep, so we didn't get to talk much.
>
>The pain and discomfort from the tumor makes her not want to
>talk for too long. She's not eating much which has me worried,
>but we are trying to give her, her space and comfort.
>
>She asked me to look into getting her a "hospital" bed for
>her. That while makes sense, has freaked me out. It is makes
>me picture her in that bed in her room, fading away.

Even though you didn't get much of a chance to speak, she likely just enjoyed your company. Does your mother drink Ensure? My mother, who had lung cancer a while back, drank Ensure to help supplement her diet. It might be a way to help her get nutrition even though eating may hurt.

Mentioning your mother in the bed made me think of the feeling I had watching my mother suffer from cancer. While you can't steer the illness, maybe there are ways you can help make her time as comfortable as possible. Just some thoughts.

  

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hip bopper
Member since Jun 22nd 2003
6933 posts
Fri Aug-09-19 09:13 AM

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42. "The only thing that you can do is just be supportive..."
In response to Reply # 0


          

>So the past month since the boards took a break, my whole
>life has been consumed by my Mom's cancer diagnoses.
>
>Founds out on June 26th, that her Colon cancer seemed to had
>spread to her lungs and other pars of the intestines.
>
>July 14th, we take her to the ER due to a mother of a
>headache, turns out to be a brain tumor. She had to stay in
>the hospital to have tests done and to speak with a
>neurosurgeon. All the focus shifted to the brain. She's
>scheduled for surgery on the 14th of Aug.
>
>She's been home since the 23rd and the poor thing is miserable
>from the pain in her head.
>
>I've hadn't dealt with anything like this before. The 1st
>significant person in my life to pass away was my Grandmom and
>that was 2 years ago.
>
>I feel a mixture discouragement, numbness, and selfishness. I
>have never been good at multitasking, so I focus on how I feel
>and dwell, then move on. But haven't been, moving on. I keep
>dwelling on me being upset at my mom possibly dying. I'm
>having hard time focusing on the positives. I get so mad at
>myself about that.
>
>I stopped excising, eating shit food, ignoring duties at work,
>and also arguing with my wife. (that will be another post, cuz
>man did she piss me off).
>
>my mom isn't dead yet, I know that. I can't help but think
>about it and it just putting me down. Any insight?
>

One thing that you have to do is maintain healthy eating practices and keep to a certain degree. Been there with my mom (not cancer but congestive heart failure). My baby sister is currently dealing with tumors on the brain, and the old man has been on dialysis for the past 6 years and had issues with cancer as well. The noise that your old lady is giving you do your best to tune out. My marriage took a significant hit when my mom passed from congestive heart failure (which was already on the rocks). Whatever is going to happen in terms of life or death we are not in control of that, but you can control yourself and your emotions. Do your level best to control these things during this time that your mother is ill.

Some people are put on earth to make it a better place to live, but the majority are here to do the devil’s bidding.

  

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walihorse
Member since Aug 03rd 2006
15710 posts
Mon Aug-12-19 07:16 AM

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44. "Its not looking good"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

We had to take her to the ER on Sat night, she had a fever and hyperventilating.

She is in the ICU, she is barely able to wake up for more than a minute.

We were told that the cancer spread to her liver, more of lungs, and lymph nodes.

My siblings and I had the conversation about funeral preparations. I am devastated.

In less than 2 months, she went from being a normal person to basically comatose.

If a fat guy falls in the woods and there is no one around to see it, do the trees laugh?

  

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auragin_boi
Member since Aug 01st 2003
20545 posts
Mon Aug-12-19 09:47 AM

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46. "Sorry to hear it"
In response to Reply # 44


  

          

My prayers are with you and your fam.

____________
My Kids:
https://youtu.be/Tti0SHGkpVk
The W5 – “Swerve”
Official Video

Available on:
https://open.spotify.com/album/5ZkYYasL3k8JlvjyN5w1kL
https://tidal.com/browse/album/95038805
iTunes/Apple Music
Google Play

Thanks4UrSupport

  

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walihorse
Member since Aug 03rd 2006
15710 posts
Mon Aug-12-19 11:15 AM

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48. "Thank you"
In response to Reply # 46


  

          

If a fat guy falls in the woods and there is no one around to see it, do the trees laugh?

  

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Creole
Charter member
15171 posts
Mon Aug-12-19 09:59 AM

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47. "Do your best to be the light she needs right now. It may seem daunting....."
In response to Reply # 44


  

          

but you can do it. And then when you need to, find someone that can and will allow you to pour out your heart.

Keep going though, champ!

--- praying for peace, love, and power

  

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walihorse
Member since Aug 03rd 2006
15710 posts
Mon Aug-12-19 11:15 AM

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49. "Thank you"
In response to Reply # 47


  

          

If a fat guy falls in the woods and there is no one around to see it, do the trees laugh?

  

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PG
Charter member
41497 posts
Mon Aug-12-19 12:28 PM

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51. "strength and love to you and yours walihorse... nm"
In response to Reply # 44


  

          

  

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mista k5
Member since Feb 01st 2006
10256 posts
Mon Aug-12-19 12:43 PM

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52. "man this is tough, i wish you the best"
In response to Reply # 44


  

          

wish i had any sort of advice.

  

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obsidianchrysalis
Member since Jan 29th 2003
7144 posts
Tue Aug-13-19 01:07 AM

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53. "Such devastating news."
In response to Reply # 44


  

          

I'm sorry about the quickness of her deterioration. It's hard to get settled upon making peace with her loss when the downturn is so sudden.

  

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lonesome_d
Charter member
30379 posts
Mon Aug-12-19 12:26 PM

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50. "Stay strong, keep a level head about what needs doing, and don't"
In response to Reply # 0


          

be afraid to ask for or accept help.

Sorry to hear what you're going through. Hope the situation improves.

-------
so I'm in a band now:
album ---> http://greenwoodburns.bandcamp.com/releases
Soundcloud ---> http://soundcloud.com/greenwood-burns

my own stuff -->http://soundcloud.com/lonesomedstringband

avy by buckshot_defunct

  

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poetx
Charter member
57927 posts
Tue Aug-13-19 11:20 PM

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54. "*hugs alla y'all* *prays for alla y'all*"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

man.

much love out to you for what you're going through, and about to go through.

this post reminded me that it is coming up on... 4 years? or 3? since my pop passed. it has been a blur and i, in many ways, have not been the same.

i'm blessed that my mom is still here, but yeah, this is a tough road.

and having read the whole post (till now), so many elements of your (and others) stories ring true / familiar.

even to the getting your hopes up before the turn for worse.

i don't have time to reply like i wanna reply right now, but just stay up. even though people can really get on your nerves during this time, try to be gracious and let time do it's thing. i didn't ever think i'd talk to my sister again after all the drama with my dad's hospitalization, slide into poor health and eventual passing.

keep your own strength and up so that you can stand, and also so those around you can lean on you. these are some tough times comping but you will make it through.

and i'm so sorry for the rest of y'all who've been going through things.


peace & blessings,

x.

www.twitter.com/poetx

=========================================
I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad

  

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Pamalama
Charter member
1572 posts
Wed Aug-14-19 08:22 AM

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55. "Hugs for everybody (nm)."
In response to Reply # 0


          

.

  

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