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Subject: "Dad cheated on mom = skip his vow renewal?" Previous topic | Next topic
BlakStaar
Member since May 29th 2002
1068 posts
Wed Jun-12-19 12:42 PM

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"Dad cheated on mom = skip his vow renewal?"


  

          

I agreed to read a poem at the vow renewal and 25th-anniversary marriage ceremony of my biological father and stepmom last year, but I really don't want to do it. 

Why?
- I generally don't enjoy being around my dad and my stepmother's family.
- Fear of public speaking 
- I agreed to do it two minutes after my stepmother texted me and asked to do back in September. I felt obligated...
- Within weeks of being asked to read the poem https://poets.org/poem/how-do-i-love-thee-sonnet-43], I learned by accident that my Dad cheated on my mom with my stepmother. They met at their church. You see, my biological parents attended separate church services when they were married, and the rest is history.

To be honest, I don't care about my dad's cheating as much as I care about not wanting to read this poem to a large group of people during a formal ceremony. I do not like my voice nor do I care to read a poem in an engaging manner. I'm afraid I'll read it in a monotone-Daria tone, and embarrass myself. 

Subconsciously, I think I came up with using my father's infidelity as an excuse to get out of this.

FYI: I would never tell my father and stepmother I know about the cheating. If I back out, I'll tell them I don't want to read a poem in front of large group of people, which is the truth. 

What say you?

I'm thinking, "Grow up and just go and get it over with." Or pass on the poem but attend the ceremony.

P.S. I'm Black, and yes I really did say, "stepmother" Shout out to my partial suburban upbringing at work. 

--
"Music is not to be possessed; it's to be shared.” - James Mtume

"Just stay loose, keep it raw, and bang ya drums out sometimes." - Madlib

  

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Topic Outline
Subject Author Message Date ID
seems like a timing issue.
Jun 12th 2019
1
RE: seems like a timing issue.
Jun 12th 2019
3
how much will reading this mean to your dad/stepmom?
Jun 12th 2019
2
RE: how much will reading this mean to your dad/stepmom?
Jun 12th 2019
4
      i would skip it
Jun 12th 2019
5
Never do anything you don't want to do. For ANYbody.
Jun 12th 2019
6
Not even after you commit to it?
Jun 12th 2019
7
Yep. If your heart isn't in it.....
Jun 12th 2019
9
This right here ^^^^^^^^
Jun 19th 2019
24
Do what you feel is best for all involved? If, after already committing,...
Jun 12th 2019
8
If you don't want to, then don't. period. you're allowed to change your ...
Jun 12th 2019
10
You gave your Word. So, Practice, Spit that Poem and sit down.
Jun 12th 2019
11
This is what I say too, but it's not me.
Jun 12th 2019
12
Go but read it like Roger Rabbit.
Jun 12th 2019
13
Personally, I wouldn’t do it
Jun 12th 2019
14
So mom got you full time after the split?
Jun 12th 2019
15
RE: So mom got you full time after the split?
Jun 13th 2019
18
Unless u walk up in knickers & Shakespearean cosplay outfit
Jun 13th 2019
16
Unless u walk up in knickers & Shakespearean cosplay outfit
Jun 13th 2019
17
RE: Unless u walk up in knickers & Shakespearean cosplay out...
Jun 13th 2019
19
If you don't want to, don't.
Jun 13th 2019
20
Don't make the event about yourself, you committed
Jun 14th 2019
21
Did you do it?
Jun 19th 2019
22
RE: Did you do it?
Jun 19th 2019
23
i backed out once...
Jun 19th 2019
25

tariqhu
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14613 posts
Wed Jun-12-19 01:09 PM

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1. "seems like a timing issue."
In response to Reply # 0


          

if you back out, how much time will they have to find a replacement?

but otherwise, I say just go ahead and knock it out. maybe it'll help with that public speaking anxiety.

you probably think you're cooler than me

  

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BlakStaar
Member since May 29th 2002
1068 posts
Wed Jun-12-19 01:16 PM

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3. "RE: seems like a timing issue."
In response to Reply # 1


  

          

It will be easy for them to find a replacement. They have a very large extended family. Much larger than my mom's side.

They are a more typical Black family, i.e. God moms, god sons and god daughters, play cousins...

--
"Music is not to be possessed; it's to be shared.” - James Mtume

"Just stay loose, keep it raw, and bang ya drums out sometimes." - Madlib

  

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mista k5
Member since Feb 01st 2006
10438 posts
Wed Jun-12-19 01:11 PM

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2. "how much will reading this mean to your dad/stepmom?"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

how much do you care about what it means to them?

  

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BlakStaar
Member since May 29th 2002
1068 posts
Wed Jun-12-19 01:16 PM

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4. "RE: how much will reading this mean to your dad/stepmom?"
In response to Reply # 2


  

          

1. I don't know.
2. I don't care at all. They know we're not close.

--
"Music is not to be possessed; it's to be shared.” - James Mtume

"Just stay loose, keep it raw, and bang ya drums out sometimes." - Madlib

  

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mista k5
Member since Feb 01st 2006
10438 posts
Wed Jun-12-19 01:27 PM

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5. "i would skip it"
In response to Reply # 4


  

          

what is the reason to do it? i guess you had already committed to it but if youre not feeling it maybe just let them know.

this whole formal celebration thing is foreign to me to be honest. not need to force something thats supposed to be heartfelt though.

  

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FLUIDJ
Member since Sep 18th 2002
41404 posts
Wed Jun-12-19 01:35 PM

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6. "Never do anything you don't want to do. For ANYbody. "
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

  

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Creole
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15185 posts
Wed Jun-12-19 01:47 PM

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7. "Not even after you commit to it?"
In response to Reply # 6


  

          

--- praying for peace, love, and power

  

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FLUIDJ
Member since Sep 18th 2002
41404 posts
Wed Jun-12-19 01:52 PM

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9. "Yep. If your heart isn't in it....."
In response to Reply # 7


  

          

  

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Sofian_Hadi
Member since Jan 03rd 2003
2978 posts
Wed Jun-19-19 05:27 PM

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24. "This right here ^^^^^^^^"
In response to Reply # 6


          

My girlfriend wanted me to go with her to her good friend's wedding. Turns out that good friend met the guy she was marrying because he was their yard guy and she started fucking him and cheating on her husband...and their three kids. She basically broke their family apart. So the yard guy and the friend are now getting married.

I told my girlfriend FUCKS NO I WONT GO WITH YOU. Haha. Im not going to support that sham nonsense and celebrate what was actually the destruction of the family just because she is a friend of yours. She said she understood and she even changed her mind and didnt go.

---------------------------------------

"The world is before you and you need not take it or leave it as it was when you came in." - James Baldwin

  

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Creole
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15185 posts
Wed Jun-12-19 01:50 PM

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8. "Do what you feel is best for all involved? If, after already committing,..."
In response to Reply # 0
Wed Jun-12-19 02:00 PM by Creole

  

          

believe that you'd be doing yourself a disservice and that you'd not be genuine to their cause, you should opt out in time to give them the opportunity to find someone else who would enjoy doing it.

This may be an opportunity though for you all to bridge gaps.

I wish you the best regardless of the angle you take.

--- praying for peace, love, and power

  

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Damali
Member since Sep 12th 2002
33713 posts
Wed Jun-12-19 02:35 PM

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10. "If you don't want to, then don't. period. you're allowed to change your ..."
In response to Reply # 0


          

  

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Case_One
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54264 posts
Wed Jun-12-19 02:40 PM

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11. "You gave your Word. So, Practice, Spit that Poem and sit down."
In response to Reply # 0
Wed Jun-12-19 02:42 PM by Case_One

  

          

.
.

“It was the evidence from science and history that prompted me to abandon my atheism and become a Christian.” — Lee Strobel, The Case for Christ

  

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KiloMcG
Member since Jan 01st 2008
27212 posts
Wed Jun-12-19 03:05 PM

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12. "This is what I say too, but it's not me. "
In response to Reply # 11


  

          

Gotta make that decision for their self.

  

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stravinskian
Member since Feb 24th 2003
11769 posts
Wed Jun-12-19 03:09 PM

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13. "Go but read it like Roger Rabbit. "
In response to Reply # 0


          

  

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legsdiamond
Member since May 05th 2011
62342 posts
Wed Jun-12-19 08:05 PM

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14. "Personally, I wouldn’t do it"
In response to Reply # 0


          

but I don’t know your situation.

If she is some “best thing that ever happened” to him tho...

if my biological ain't give her blessing I ain’t doing it.

shut up already, damn

  

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isaaaa
Member since May 10th 2007
30332 posts
Wed Jun-12-19 10:47 PM

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15. "So mom got you full time after the split?"
In response to Reply # 0


          

Sounds like you don't even wanna see your paternal family at all.


Anti-gentrification, cheap alcohol & trying to look pretty in our twilight posting years (c) Big Reg
http://Tupreme.com

  

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BlakStaar
Member since May 29th 2002
1068 posts
Thu Jun-13-19 12:14 PM

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18. "RE: So mom got you full time after the split?"
In response to Reply # 15


  

          

Yep.

My mom had full custody of me. My sister and I spent every other weekend + summers in the city with our Dad and stepmom up until my early teens. Thing is, my Dad was often MIA due to his professional obligations and social activities, e.g. golfing with his friends for several on Saturdays.

On top of that, my sister and Dad did not get along at all. Lots of yelling and screaming. I spent a lot of time in my room at my dad's crib scared of what was happening across the hallway.

Beyond that, I just like my mom and her folks better. My mother is not *that* "progressive," but she was more progressive than my father and she understood me. My Dad is on that old school/ Southern/disciplinarian/ your-elders-are-always-right shit. My mom was not. Mind you, I was fairly well-behaved as a kid, unlike my sis.

Another issue, which I think a OKP mod edited out of my original post (or I accidently erased): I'm a little different. I had wrote, jokingly, that in true OKP fashion, I am the black sheep of my family.

So, even when I'm around my mother and her side of the family, my soul gets a little weary. Lots of mental labor. I hate having to explain myself them. It's a real sore spot for me because I've yet to find my chosen family, people I can be my real self around without explanation. Mofos have had damn near 20 years to understand I don't eat and don't believe but they still ask and annoy me about it like I just made the decision five seconds ago. Ack! I'm the only one that does not live a traditional life so, yeah...

I will push back on the notion that my mother having full-time custody explains why I don't want to be around my father/stepmom and their folks. I'm not annoyed or anything. Just know there are plenty of people who don't want to spend time with parents who had full custody of them as kids.

--
"Music is not to be possessed; it's to be shared.” - James Mtume

"Just stay loose, keep it raw, and bang ya drums out sometimes." - Madlib

  

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Riot
Member since May 25th 2005
14589 posts
Thu Jun-13-19 07:18 AM

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16. "Unless u walk up in knickers & Shakespearean cosplay outfit "
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

No one is gonna be making much of the impassioned delivery of a 8 line poem

If it's abt the public speaking I say just go and knock it out. Practice a bunch of times if you're really uncomfortable



If its Abt the cheating, depends on how mom and dad got along over the years. Most likely 20yrs layer everyone has made peace with the situation. Best outcome would be going and maybe getting cool with dad's side of the family



)))--####---###--(((

bunda
<-.-> ^_^ \^0^/
get busy living, or get busy dying.

  

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Riot
Member since May 25th 2005
14589 posts
Thu Jun-13-19 07:19 AM

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17. "Unless u walk up in knickers & Shakespearean cosplay outfit "
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

No one is gonna be making much of the impassioned delivery of a 8 line poem

If it's abt the public speaking I say just go and knock it out. Practice a bunch of times if you're really uncomfortable



If its Abt the cheating, depends on how mom and dad got along over the years. Most likely 20yrs layer everyone has made peace with the situation. Best outcome would be going and maybe getting cool with dad's side of the family



)))--####---###--(((

bunda
<-.-> ^_^ \^0^/
get busy living, or get busy dying.

  

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BlakStaar
Member since May 29th 2002
1068 posts
Thu Jun-13-19 12:28 PM

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19. "RE: Unless u walk up in knickers &amp;amp;amp; Shakespearean cosplay out..."
In response to Reply # 17
Thu Jun-13-19 12:34 PM by BlakStaar

  

          

>If its Abt the cheating, depends on how mom and dad got along
>over the years. Most likely 20yrs layer everyone has made
>peace with the situation. Best outcome would be going and
>maybe getting cool with dad's side of the family

This is really about my dislike of public speaking and my father's family.

It really isn't about the cheating, which I discovered AFTER I agreed to read the poem. It certainly doesn't help, though.

My mom is not over it. She was the first to remarry practically within a year of the divorce. My dad got married the next year.

She doesn't like talking to my dad now, plus she talked shit about him all throughout my childhood. Still does, actually. LOL.

It's sad because I find out more year after year. For example, last year I asked my mom how long she breastfed me, and she told me only five months because "your father was giving me grief" with a stank face. I should add that my mother divorced her second husband and got married to another person while I was in college. But again, she's still talking shit about my dad, though she seems happy with stepdad No. 2. (Off topic: Is it possible to be "happily married" with your third husband but seemingly still butthurt about your first failed marriage? Serious question)

--
"Music is not to be possessed; it's to be shared.” - James Mtume

"Just stay loose, keep it raw, and bang ya drums out sometimes." - Madlib

  

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soulpsychodelicyde
Member since Nov 18th 2003
11925 posts
Thu Jun-13-19 12:47 PM

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20. "If you don't want to, don't. "
In response to Reply # 0


          

Just make sure that you tell them in enough time for them to make a different plan.

  

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stattic
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29772 posts
Fri Jun-14-19 11:01 AM

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21. "Don't make the event about yourself, you committed"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          


Just do it, it's 2 minutes long and sounds like you need practice in front of groups

  

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FLUIDJ
Member since Sep 18th 2002
41404 posts
Wed Jun-19-19 08:19 AM

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22. "Did you do it?"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

  

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BlakStaar
Member since May 29th 2002
1068 posts
Wed Jun-19-19 05:23 PM

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23. "RE: Did you do it?"
In response to Reply # 22


  

          

It’s not until later this month...

--
"Music is not to be possessed; it's to be shared.” - James Mtume

"Just stay loose, keep it raw, and bang ya drums out sometimes." - Madlib

  

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Trinity444
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40108 posts
Wed Jun-19-19 06:15 PM

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25. "i backed out once..."
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

a friend wanted me to read some bible verses during the ceremony. I was for it until I saw the people sitting there. I had another friend do it. The bride was pissed at me...

but yeah. I wasn’t a good friend that day...

/
I think if you back out give them enough time to prepare. Don’t be like me lol

  

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