found myself singing "fiiive golden raings!" earlier today and remembered this classic. one of the many gems from poetx

http://board.okayplayer.com/okp.php?az=show_topic&forum=18&topic_id=126773

lol @ the 12 Days of Christmas. she was a gold digging ass hoe.
Posted by poetx, Tue Dec-02-08 12:48 PM

a 'close read' of this 'classic' neo victorian soul song shows that this was a dating situation gone horribly awry:

1. on the first day of christmas, my true love gave to me... a partridge in a pear tree.

see. this where he fucked up. he was listening to these jawns tawmbout "be creaaaaative". he gave the chick a TREE, with a fucking bird in it? iono about you, but that's off the charts right there. that ain't no netflix. dude was trying to come out the box. did he get the draws? NOPE.

2. on the second day of christmas, my true love gave to me... two turtledoves, and a partridge in a pear tree.

dude. let me holla at you a minute. mano a mano. WHAT PART of THIS BIRD AIN'T INTO BIRDS DID YOU NOT GET FROM THE FIRST FUCKING DAY??? the fuck, you was just strolling through Hecht's and was like, "oooh, turtledoves is on sale, by one get one free, this is a GREAT idea". no its not, dumbass. you are fucking up your chances of ever getting the pussy. two days. two bird-ass gifts. fuck is on YOUR bird, fam? you get the draws? NOPE.

3. on the third day of christmas, my true love gave to me... three french hens, two turtledoves, and a partridge in a pear tree.

*smh*. is you SLOW???? AGAIN, with the BIRDS, fam? "oh, these hens FRENCH... she gonna LOOOOVE this shit". son. son. maybe the chick was just gassing it up and you really ain't even GIVE her a gift on day three. maybe you was in the neighborhood and rolled through with three buckets of KFC. yeah, that MUST be it. cuz i KNOW yo dumbass wouldn't do what i thought you did. day three. did you get the draws? NOPE.

4. on the fourth day of christmas, my true love gave to me... four calling birds, three french hens, two turtledoves, and a partridge in a pear tree.

http://www.forumammo.com/cpg/albums/userpics/10062/SiskoAnimated.gif

are you foreign? is there some significance to the birds that i'm missing? do you have a side bet on how long you can remain a virgin? i could be doing other things besides giving you advice, homie. chill w/ the fucking birds. besides, she already GOT calling birds. that's who she be clowning your ass to on the daily, tawmbout, "on the fourth day of christmas, this simpass gave to meeeeee..." did you get the draws? NOPE.


5. ON the FIF day of christmas, my true love gave to me...
FIIIIVE GOLDEN RAINGS!!! four calling birds, three french hens, two turtledoves, and a partridge in a pear tree.

so lemme get this straight. them Zales commercials siced yo ass up and you just happened to be in the mall, right? this shit don't even compute, yo. why you have to give her FIVE golden rings? was they onion rings? i could see that, then... no... REAL ass gold. you know what, we went to school together, i always look out for you. but i'm starting to think you get what you deserve, champ. 5 rings. bwahahahahaha. like, you already gave this jawn a whole fucking petting zoo and that ain't work, and you giving out jewelry now? did you get the draws? NOPE.

6. on the sixth day of christmas, my true love gave to me... six geese a laying, FIVE GOLDEN RAINGS!!!! four calling birds, three french hens, two turtledoves, and a partridge in a pear tree.

*no comment on day six*.

7. on the seventh day of christmas, my true love gave to me... seven swans a swimming, six geese a laying, FIVE GOLDEN RAINGS!!!! four calling birds, three french hens, two turtledoves, and a partridge in a pear tree.

the fuck????? ok. lets be real. in 8th grade, y'all ain't really move down south, did you? you went to the special school, didn't you? no, no, that's disrespecting them. this ain't special, this just dumb. its cats in 12th grade just learning fractions that wouldn't trick all typesa fucking wildlife and jewelry on a jawn like you doing. did you get the draws? NOPE.


8. On the eighth day of christmas, my true love gave to me...
eight maids a milking, seven swans a swimming, six geese a laying, FIVE GOLDEN RAINGS!!!! four calling birds, three french hens, two turtledoves, and a partridge in a pear tree.

O_O. waooow. help me understand this right here. eight maids a milking? you bought her a MAID service? or do you got some kind of lactation fetish? they breastmilking, yo? is that what you into? no? just regular ass maids? what? why? they getting minimum wage? they citizens, yo? or did you roll up outside the migrant worker corner downtown in a white painter's van and axe for eight women who wanted to get paid for milking? this is making less and less sense to me. did you get the draws? NOPE.

9. on the ninth day of christmas, my true love gave to me... nine ladies dancing, eight maids a milking, seven swans a swimming, six geese a laying, FIVE GOLDEN RAINGS!!!! four calling birds, three french hens, two turtledoves, and a partridge in a pear tree.

word? you went from from birds, to jewelry, to immigrant broads w/ leaking titties, to strippers? you got some freak in you, bwoy. just not an ounce of logic. this was supposed to appeal to her, how? do i need to call charter health care? you don't need to get help from them, but you damn sure need it from somebody. you actin real kool keith right about now. if you had $$$ to buy strippers and lactating jawns, why you even fooling with old girl in the first place? did you get the draws? NOPE.


10. on the tenth day of christmas, my true love gave to me... ten lords a leaping, nine ladies dancing, eight maids a milking, seven swans a swimming, six geese a laying, FIVE GOLDEN RAINGS!!!! four calling birds, three french hens, two turtledoves, and a partridge in a pear tree.

*side eye*. *backs away*. the strippers weren't enough? you bought her some dudes in tights. and you still ain't hit? so after you went home, they still over there, with her, the strippers, and the milky jawns, eating all the chicken YOU brought? waow. did you get the draws, though? NOPE.


11. on the eleventh day of christmas, my true love gave to me...
eleven pipers piping (!!!), ten lords a leaping, nine ladies dancing, eight maids a milking, seven swans a swimming, six geese a laying, FIVE GOLDEN RAINGS!!!! four calling birds, three french hens, two turtledoves, and a partridge in a pear tree.

what in the world? pipers, fam? you know they piping right now? your pretend ass girlfriend, that's who. and prolly some of them leaping ass bammas. and the milky jawns. and the strippers, definitely the strippers. thats. what. pipers. DO. they PIPE!!! kind of emo/cuckold type shit you on, fam? "uhhh, if i can't have her, maybe she'll at least be grateful that i got her damn near a dozen pipers". FOH. lol. later for all them trees and birds, dawg. did you holla at rooms to go? she gonna need some sectional furniture for all them people you sent over to the crib. oh, and scotchguard that shit, too. for all the milk. and the piping. you get the draws? NOPE.

12. on the twelvth day of christmas, my true love gave to me... twelve drummers drumming, eleven pipers piping (!!!), ten lords a leaping, nine ladies dancing, eight maids a milking, seven swans a swimming, six geese a laying, FIVE GOLDEN RAINGS!!!! four calling birds, three french hens, two turtledoves, and a partridge in a pear tree.

12 funky drummers, huh. *shrug*. i guess what good is an orgy if you ain't got music? did you get the draws? NOPE. i ain't think so. i ain't see you over here. oh? oh hell yeah, i'm over here. i was talking to *fingerquotes* your GIRL *fingerquotes*, we charging cover an airything. i'ma prolly see two, three GRAND, after expenses, and that's just my cut. oh, and barbecue turtledove washed down with MILK!!!! *scrumptious*. hold up... what's that? oh. its your girl. she axed what you doing for kwanzaa?


i grew up singing that mess blindly. i was being conditioned for simpdom. please. if you got a cupcakin ass dude in your clique, and his insurance won't pay for Charter House, tell him about the twelve days of trickin. take him to a club. tell him to spend the money on the homeless or something. don't let him go out like this.


peace & blessings,

x.