14. "I hear ya and can't knock you for that but I had to throw out the " In response to Reply # 9
the percentages of most relationships ending
And that finding your "soul mate" doesn't necessarily mean eternal bliss
But I feel where you're coming from
>I don't want to be a single parent anyway. That's why I >already don't have one. I could have a child right now if that >was the case. > >I can only make wise decisions based upon what I know RIGHT >now, I can't avoid heartbreak 10 years from now, today.
17. "Yea but in life there are an infinite amount of possibilities. " In response to Reply # 14
I refuse to be one of those people who stresses themselves about the things I can not control.
If I chose children and then later on found out that I couldn't have any, then what? What if the kid dies? What if the kid grows up and becomes a murderer?
If I chose love and it doesn't work out? At least I didn't bring a child up into my poor decision.
**************** TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*
Having kids is not like deciding which city you're going to live in.
You really can't compromise on kids, IMO. Or rather, you shouldn't. If you don't want them... doing it because you want to keep someone is the a pretty terrible rationale.
12. "What?!?!? I know PLENTY of ppl married or not who have " In response to Reply # 10
compromised when it came to having children because their spouse/SO wanted kids
And in many cases the person who initially didn't want kids ended up feeling like that was the best thing that ever happened t them
Having kids is not like deciding which city you're going to >live in. > >You really can't compromise on kids, IMO. Or rather, you >shouldn't. If you don't want them... doing it because you >want to keep someone is the a pretty terrible rationale.
38. "I know ppl who didn't want to be and shouldn't have been parents." In response to Reply # 35 Thu Jun-11-15 12:58 PM by SoWhat
They have abused and neglected their kids - biological and/or step.
It is perfectly fine for ppl to know they don't want kids and to conduct themselves accordingly. It's great that so many ppl want kids and have them. The world is NOT suffering from under population - we don't all need to be parents. It's fine.
45. "yes and in many cases the kids are abused and neglected..." In response to Reply # 44
sure these may be a minority of cases.
the risk is too great, IMO, to chance it.
it's a main reason i will not enter a significant relationship w/a man who is raising children. i might be willing to date/marry a man w/adult children.
41. "But unless you think it's the worse type of compromising a spouse/so" In response to Reply # 39 Thu Jun-11-15 01:34 PM by vee-lover
could ask of their wife/husband, I don't see it any differently really than anything else your spouse might want you to compromise your position on when you're in a committed relationship
Maybe giving up your career to be a stay-at-home parent...or bringing another child into the family even though you might've said you only wanted a certain number of children and no more...or financial matters....
The list goes on and on which is why I said unless you think asking someone to compromise their position on having children is the one thing you shouldn't ask of your spouse/so then it's what relationships consist of
compromising goes hand and hand w/any relationship
43. "the issue is too deep for compromise." In response to Reply # 41
>could ask of their wife/husband, I don't see it any >differently really than anything else your spouse might want >you to compromise your position on when you're in a committed >relationship
if i want kids and i'm with someone who doesn't and i agree not to have kids in order to keep my mate...i'm very likely to spend the rest of our relationship resenting him. plus my heart will always feel empty w/o kids if having kids is THAT important to me.
if i don't want kids and i'm w/someone who does and i agree to have kids to keep my mate...i've now brought another life into the equation. sure there's a chance i'll love parenting so much that i'll be glad i agreed to have the kid(s). but there's also a great chance that i won't love parenting and will resent the kid(s) which could cause me to mistreat the kids directly or indirectly. <-- that risk right there is the major difference between this compromise and others. b/c it involves bringing another life into the equation and the too great risk of that kid(s) suffering as a result.
the issue is similar w/pets, IMO. i own a cat and am not willing to get rid of him to please a mate. by the same token i'm not going to agree to share responsibility for a dog or certain other pets just to please a mate.
i am willing to make many other compromises and sacrifices for a relationship. this is not one of them.
11. "I'd rather be happily in love..." In response to Reply # 0
but its important that couples talk about these things...because there are some ppl who will say I'd rather be married and no kids, but when that's truly presented to them, they want both...which says to me that kids are a larger want to them...so ppl really got be honest about their answer...can you really live in a marriage with no kids?
>but its important that couples talk about these >things...because there are some ppl who will say I'd rather be >married and no kids, but when that's truly presented to them, >they want both...which says to me that kids are a larger want >to them...so ppl really got be honest about their answer...can >you really live in a marriage with no kids? > >
22. "re: Old and Alone. I hold a theory that this is changing" In response to Reply # 16 Thu Jun-11-15 11:48 AM by double negative
in that I believe we are going to see an emerging trend where more and more people keep living as if they are perpetually 30
so it means living with a potentially changing roster of partners throughout life
you can have A partner for sometime but then you get back in the dating pool and find another partner and repeat and its no big deal, life does not end because a relationship goes south
edit: I'm also taking on the dual mind that it would be great to have a partner but I am equally into being single/alone. One does not have a higher place over the other
27. "You could be right and I hope you are...and to a degree we are" In response to Reply # 22
seeing more and more elderly ppl adjusting to living life alone than in the past...especially elderly men
But that also depends on how healthy and vibrant you are too
One of the benefits of being in a relationship is that you have someone who can take care of you when you get old in the event you become seriously ill
>in that I believe we are going to see an emerging trend where >more and more people keep living as if they are perpetually >30 > >so it means living with a potentially changing roster of >partners throughout life > >you can have A partner for sometime but then you get back in >the dating pool and find another partner and repeat and its no >big deal, life does not end because a relationship goes south > > > >then again, I am restless and my priorities are business and >money first over a real meaningful relationship
37. "I'm starting to compartmentalize the two" In response to Reply # 0
because some people make great fathers but shitty husbands at the same time. (i didn't always think this way.)
right now coparenting is a much more viable option for me than finding love, getting married and THEN starting a family. i could see myself co-parenting and then taking my time to find someone thats just right for me.
42. "Very valid points you make" In response to Reply # 37
>because some people make great fathers but shitty husbands at >the same time. (i didn't always think this way.)
^true > >right now coparenting is a much more viable option for me than >finding love, getting married and THEN starting a family. i >could see myself co-parenting and then taking my time to find >someone thats just right for me.
That's sound reasonable and practical
But could you see yourself having a child by someone you weren't in love with? >
love is volatile. wanting to be a good parent is constant.
if there is someone in my life who i respect tremendously, and i know they would enjoy and be good at fatherhood, and they have the same parenting values as i do...i damn sure would make a baby with them.
legsdiamond Member since May 05th 2011 79605 posts
Thu Jun-11-15 03:25 PM
51. "are people really doing planned co-parenting?" In response to Reply # 47
I know plenty of people who decided not to stay together and co-parent but to seek out a person to plan it seems odd.
**************** TBH the fact that you're even a mod here fits squarely within Jag's narrative of OK-sanctioned aggression, bullying, and toxicity. *shrug*
52. "Green" In response to Reply # 0 Thu Jun-11-15 04:07 PM by Selassie I God
but I could live with the love of my life by itself.
____ Some will tell you that they love you but they've got an ulterior motive - Oh what a shame They will tell you that they need you but they've got an ulterior motive - Personal gain
Printer-friendly copy 
Email this topic to a friend
General Discussion
(2 votes)
(22 votes)
(2 votes)
