It's always tricky. I get that this is an issue for all couples regardless of orientation and race.....but for hetero couples there's a lot more baggage because of sexism/patriarchy. And interracial couples have the added baggage that comes with race issues.
So I'm white, she's black. She has extremely kinky hair. She kinda looks like Joie Lee but her hair is kinkier. This picture strongly resembles my SO:
But yah, a lot kinkier. It's a source of stress for her. She wears a lot of scarves/head-coverings to avoid all the maintenance that go into making it what she calls 'presentable'. Sometimes I encourage her to take off the scarves when we're around the house. I say stuff like 'I looooove your hair'. I also request that she takes them off when we're intimate because the smell of human hair is a huge thing for me. Plus, I'm just more attracted to her when her hair is naked. But whenever I say stuff like that....I'm never quite sure if I'm overstepping my bounds. There's a fine line between expressing my attraction to her and dipping into the 'man telling woman what to do with her body'. I've asked her about this and she explains that she doesn't take offence. Though she does usually remind me that I'm not the one who has to put up with the judgements/stereotypes from other people (her family is not very progressive on the issue). Plus more heavier type of consequences like job prospects. So she does receive my compliments as such....but there's a subtle element of eye-rolling about them too.
Part of me says "just shut the eff up" and I think a lot of hetero guys can relate to that outside of the racial aspect. The fact is....a lot of women struggle with body issues because of our deeply entrenched societal baggage....and what we (as men) think are compliments can sometimes be perceived as something else. And really, even if she decided to straighten her hair or wear extensions or whatever.....it's not something that is crucially important to me. I'm also aware that there are militant 'natural hair' advocates who can be judgemental in the opposite direction. The basic summation here....is I want to be able to express my attraction to her hair without 1. being controlling and 2. being ignorant of the racial stereotypes she has to endure and 3. Not making her appearance all about me.
Then there's the weight issue. And this is less about race....more about gender. But she weighs 105 to 110 pounds. I'm concerned about it. I worry that part of her weight is associated with psychological factors. Not necessarily full-blown anorexia....but just a powerful source of insecurity. Before we got sober, she fainted into a snowbank after dropping the kids off at school during the winter. Perhaps it was a side-effect of too much substance abuse. But I tend to think it was her weight or lack thereof. I'm the one who cooks and I've tried to suggest changes in her diet. She basically lived off fries and chicken fingers before we met.
I find myself constantly tip-toeing around what I really want to say. "You need to gain weight". But I don't think it would be effective to say it like that. So it usually comes in the form of me trying to cook healthy meals and encouraging her to eat healthy. I know that she stops eating when I'm not around. And I know that she kinda lies about it. Confronting her is tuff because I feel like, again, it might dip me into 'man telling woman what to do with her body'. And I worry that when I say 'I'm concerned...I think you should gain weight'....that deep down, she actually thinks my motive is to make her more attractive to me. I can clarify that I'm concerned with her health all day long....but I sense that there's a mistrust there. And then the 'dude, just shut the eff up' comes back.
To throw one more thing in here.....I started bulking up after we got sober. I've been using the gym as a replacement for substance abuse. I'm pretty sure 95% of women would say that I've become more attractive. I was really skinny beforehand. But she likes skinny guys and isn't attracted to any sort of muscle definition whatsoever. So we've talked about that. I said 'I have to do this. It's working for my sobriety' and she understands and supports that. But I know that deep down...she was more attracted to me before. I've decided to keep my weight at 160. So if I get over that....I make sure to do cardio instead. It doesn't really matter to me as long as I can spend the time exercising. If I wasn't with her....I would probably go all out and see how muscle-bound I could become (which honestly wouldn't be very much anyways). But the way I see it....she's my SO and I want her to be attracted to me. So it's a compromise for both of us.
In anycase, this post was pretty wayward. Just wanted to open the floor to body issues within romantic relationships and how race, gender interact with that. What you guys got?
1. "It sounds like you're overthinking it. " In response to Reply # 0 Thu May-07-15 01:04 AM by Starbaby Jones
I mean, it all comes down to respect. The other factors are all secondary. I know you're trying to be tactful, but you may just wanna try being direct. You should be free to express your concerns with each other, respectfully.
Just understand that your expression of concern may not result in any change on her part. Once you express your concerns, it's all on you and whether or not you can accept her knowing that she may not change whatever aspect your concerned with. Furthermore, if she doesn't change, what you don't want to do is to keep hitting her with hints and clues about what you want, because then it does come across as you trying to control or manipulate her. It starts to feel disrespectful of her boundaries.
This is why I say the best approach is the direct one. That way, you can get it all out and she'll either take it in or not. You just have to be willing to let it go if she doesn't. If you can't let it go, then you may ultimately have to rethink the relationship. That may sound harsh, but trying to change someone (even for the better) who doesn't want to change is a recipe for disaster anyway.
"You can take an African out of Africa, but you can't take Africa out of the African" Afro-Americana/Afro-Caribbana/Afro-Latino unite. We are ALL Black!
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