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>Not OKP argmuments - relationship arguments. > > >https://www.yahoo.com/health/the-two-simple-words-that-are-greatly-improving-my-114584318325.html > > >The Two Simple Words That Are Greatly Improving My Marriage >(And, No, They're Not 'I'm Sorry') > >By Akirah Robinson > >Glamour > >March 28, 2015 > >The smallest words can result in the biggest change in >conversation direction with your partner. > >If you’re anything like me, just hearing the word >“conflict” sends you running to the hills. I’m a >people-pleaser to the highest degree, so dealing with folks >who aren’t pleased with me causes me a lot of anxiety. >Giving someone bad news, boldly stating my opinions when I >know they differ from others’, and having hard conversations >aren’t really strengths of mine. Usually I just fake it >until I make it. Unfortunately, when it comes to marriage, one >can only fake it so much. > >John Gottman, Ph.D., a world-renowned marriage researcher, >theorized three types of conflict styles that people tend to >exhibit when in relationships with one another: avoidance, >validating, and volatile. Avoiders, like me, resist conflict >like the plague. People who are volatile are highly expressive >with their emotions and have no problem discussing their >differences in opinion with loved ones. Lastly, validators >fall somewhere in between, expressing their emotions and >opinions in steady and calm ways. > >I first learned about these three conflict styles in graduate >school during my couples’ therapy class. Slowly I began to >understand why my husband and I struggle so much during >conflict: I’m a conflict avoider, and my husband is >volatile, which is a significant mismatch. Any time we >disagree, I want to run and hide, while he wants to talk it >out—sometimes loudly. I couldn’t help but wonder how in >the world we’d actually work through this and learn how to >productively resolve conflict. > >A few months ago, however, I found hope. In a meeting, I was >introduced to an exercise called “Ouch and Oops,” not >knowing it would have any kind of impact on my marriage. >Everyone at the meeting was told that if anyone became >offended by something someone else said, he/she should say, >“Ouch!” Immediately, the person who made the offensive >remark was to respond with “Oops!” and apologize for their >mishap. The two individuals involved could later discuss the >incident further, if appropriate. Instantly I was intrigued >and wanted to tell my husband more about this exercise. > >So many times, when I unintentionally say something hurtful, >my husband reacts the way most volatile people usually >do—loudly and emotionally. Instead of apologizing (as I >should, since I did something wrong!), I can be quick to avoid >the conversation altogether by being defensive. > >Defensiveness is never helpful during a disagreement and as a >result, my husband would often feel disregarded by my attempts >to deflect his feelings. > >“Ouch and Oops” works really well because it gives my >husband a way to gently initiate conflict. As soon as I hear >him say it, I know to immediately say “Oops!” and tune in >to his feelings, rather than disregard them. It starts the >conversation on the right foot before it gets out of hand, >which also helps me feel less anxious. Honestly, it’s been a >win/win for the both of us. > >I still remember having a quiet yet intense disagreement with >my husband a few months ago. As soon as I heard him say >“Ouch,” I stopped in my tracks, said “Oops,” and >prepared myself to listen to his perspective. It almost >didn’t even feel like conflict but rather a really intense >conversation. After we worked our way through it, I remember >thinking, Wow…I think that helped. Prior to that evening, we >had only really used “Ouch and Oops” in a joking manner. >During that conversation, however, we actually respected each >other’s differences and found ourselves on the other side, >completely unscathed. > >If you and your partner really struggle to initiate conflict, >perhaps because of differing conflict styles, I definitely >recommend trying the “Ouch and Oops” method. It may sound >silly, but in my experience, it works. I’m not going to >guarantee that all your arguments will be smooth sailing here >on out, but learning how to initiate conflict in a >nonconfrontational manner certainly won’t make matters >worse. > >Is your conflict style avoidance, validating, or volatile? >What about your partner? Do you think something like “Ouch >and Oops” could help you and your man argue more >effectively? > >By Akirah Robinson > >Akirah Robinson is a writer and breakup coach living in >Pittsburgh, Pa. Learn more about her at akirahrobinson.com and >check out her new book, Respected
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