It was kinda insane.

Like, I'm not sure how they got black people to act in the film. It was that offensive.

For this reason, I'm wholeheartedly prepared to utterly spoil it for you in case you had a morbid curiosity. This is how wikipedia saved me from ever watching A Serbian Film and I'm eternally grateful. So here goes.

(According to the opening credits, it's based on true events)

Kevin Costner is a lawyer whose wife has suddenly died. His biracial granddaughter is now his sole responsibility (her mom is dead too. Dad isn't around, more on this later). He responds to the loss by getting soused constantly. Unapologetically. Daily. In front of his granddaughter who begs him not to. He makes no attempt to drive. People in his circle are willing to chauffeur him around mid cognac, all Dudley Moore.

The granddaughter's paternal grandmother wants to share custody in an attempt to "broaden the child's cultural understanding of her history". But granma is a hustler. She has 6 homebased businesses. Strangely, state childcare checks are never once mentioned. But you would almost certainly infer in the offing that this is one of her goals. Her workload subsidizes living for her daughter and daughter in law, uncle, niblings and whoever else happens to be in one of her 3 homes at any moment.

Costner takes a leave from work to learn to tame biracial hair, basic subtraction (for which he found his granddaughter a tutor who I swear was 50 Cent in an alternate timeline where he never lifted a weight) and generally drink himself to death like Nic Cage. Granma files papers for the child and two law firms start chewin stereotypes in the most mustache twirly ways.

Sometime in there, the child's absentee "crackhead" dad shows up. Beggin Costner for money. He don't want a thing to do with the child, but their uncle/family lawyer files a motion claiming he does want custody.

--Cut to the next important thing--

One night, in the midst of trial proceedings, Crackie Dad comes over to accost Papa Wolves in his own backyard and liberate his daughter. The first time, drunken Cos shoos him off like a raccoon. And that's it. Then he comes back with a knife, which the baby boomer disarms and tosses into the pool. Crackie Robinson breaks a mug on his head and leaves him on the grass to kidnap his daughter.

Costner falls in the pool and tangles in the plastic cover. As he is drowning, his dead wife frees him of his bonds. On dry land, it turns out he was saved by ol Tyrone Biggum himself. Finally civilized in the light of Costner's self sacrifice, he walks into court a new man and drops the custody suit. Costner presses no attempted murder charge. Grandma backs off. Everybody's happy.

Except me.

Cause I paid to get in. Why, ma?

Da bayball, babeh. (c) Charlie Kelly.

To promote the movie and for Mackie to shake a nouveau Cosby finger at saggy pants.

I shoulda known when I saw who was ridin hard for the film what time it was. I thought I might tune out and see somethin kinda heartwarming. Silly me.

Da bayball, babeh. (c) Charlie Kelly.

thanks

Da bayball, babeh. (c) Charlie Kelly.

"i smack clowns with nouns, punch herbs with verbs..."

Da bayball, babeh. (c) Charlie Kelly.

Rowena/Grandma WeWe (Octavia Spencer, who is absolutely one of my favorite actresses): irrepressible, loud, sassy, opinionated, blind to her crackhead child's foolishness but judgmental about everything else

Reggie (Andre Holland): absentee father, accidental killer, crackhead lips, repeat offender, taco meat facial stubble and sweaty pit drug shirts, teeny weeny afro, constant "don't take me back to massa" eyes

Uncle Jeremiah Esq. (Mackie): conniving, eloquent, unswayed by familial bonds (mostly), biased in his own way, self hating trial attorney who audibly laughed at the suggestion that his sister could begin to afford to retain him for council

Duvan (Mpho Koaha): Mystical darkie of direct African origin, studious to an inhuman degree, deferential to the far less educated but much wealthier Costner, humbly doubling as life coach and Morgan Freeman style Daisy driver, uncanny resemblance to Fiddy, I kept callin him 25 cent

http://rstvideo.com/skadespelare/mpho-koaho.jpg


Eloise (Jillian Estelle): the biracial child, precocious, bratty, erratic, a kid. Sidenote, I hope she opts for the Anna Chlumsky method of having a normal childhood and returning to the screen in adulthood. It just makes more sense. Ask Ashley.

http://topmostviral.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/Amanda-Bynes-then-and-now1.jpg

Da bayball, babeh. (c) Charlie Kelly.

Sounds like a modern suburban Tarzan movie, Costner in the starring role and the little girl is playing the triple role of Cheetah/Jane/Boy who Tarzan has to protect from the "savages"... SMH

More white savior tripe

"You used to be so cool, but now, you know you're so cold"

He had to go forth and put these Black lives right.


Costner at one point calls Reggie a street n*gger as a teachable moment, then later has him summarily defend his use of the word in court and repeat it again for the Black female judge presiding and no one got upset. Instead, she and all of Reggie's family gave tightlipped nods.


Based on true events, y'all.

Da bayball, babeh. (c) Charlie Kelly.

Ahhhhh, that makes sense.


I just read this review on Forbes, who in the hell thought this film was a good idea?


http://www.forbes.com/sites/rebeccatheodore/2015/01/30/black-or-white-movie-review-race/



Read this interview with Costner on Vulture.com and this quote really struck me. The concern for property when black folks are being shot and killed by the police.. What in the hell ? His concern is for some family restaurant that might be vandalized.

quote:

Costner made a point of taking the film to St. Louis for a screening. “Some people said maybe not now — but isn’t Ferguson us?” he says. “I saw a family on CNN.com whose restaurant was in danger , and I read a cool story about a biracial couple with a biracial son, and I said, Why don’t you come to the movie?”

"You used to be so cool, but now, you know you're so cold"

I believe there's a chance that reviewer and I saw the same movie.

Da bayball, babeh. (c) Charlie Kelly.

Ha!

"You used to be so cool, but now, you know you're so cold"

~
~
~
~
~
Days like this I miss Sha Mecca

I think my mom was kinda ok with it. We were momentarily caught up in the ebullience of the family outing. My dad is a hammerhead snark. He was goin in on Costner the whole time just cause. He pointed out the frequent on the lip kisses between costner and the little girl. That was weird to both of us. The racial stuff was blatant. We laughed a bunch

Da bayball, babeh. (c) Charlie Kelly.