"Should I tell her that he was/is abusive?" Tue Dec-23-14 03:41 PM by Chat_bouts
I was strolling on Facebook and just found out that a friend of my friend is dating one of my exes. I don't really know the chick well enough to give her the "Your man ain't shit!" rundown, but out of curiosity, and mainly concern, I wanted to send her a message warning her about him. I asked my friend about it wondering why she just didn't tell her and she basically told me that it seems like she really likes him and that she doesn't want to interfere in a person's love life and happiness and that it could come off like she's jealous... Yada yada yada. Okay, I'll give her that, but this man used to beat my ass and she knows he did. I could understand if he just cheated on me because just because someone cheats on one person doesn't necessarily mean that they will cheat on the next person, but this situation is different because this chick's health, sanity, and overall wellbeing is at risk; and stats show that abusive men rarely change. I don't want to rain on anyone's parade, because she's probably still in that honeymoon phase, but I would want someone to tell me if I was in her shoes.
3. "Right" In response to Reply # 2 Tue Dec-23-14 03:59 PM by Chat_bouts
I'm sure I will. But, when he does eventually show his true colors, she can never say that I never told her so. Hopefully, she'll take my advice and move on. But, I'd she does, I would rather she not even mention me, because his crazy ass may try to come after me.
13. "what's the timeline on change then? " In response to Reply # 9
obviously he ain't changing in a month but three years is a long time...for all you know he could have went into therapy and/or anger management. He could have done whatever he needed to do to stop being abusive.
if this isn't YOUR friend, it's not your place...if your friend dont' want to tell her, then mind your business. you are truly going to look bad in this situation, unless he's already abusing her...and if that's the case it wont' matter.
actually it won't matter either way if this isn't a friend of yours. why would she listen to a stranger?
29. "I'm not really a stranger" In response to Reply # 13
We have hung out few times. I would consider her an acquaintance. I guess I'm too considerate and sympathetic. He pretty much ruined my entire outlook on relationships and men. If you weren't in my shoes you can't even begin to understand what he put me through. So, if I can, I'll do my part in preventing someone else (friend or not) from going through what I went through.
33. "Are you going to do this the rest of yours (and his) life? " In response to Reply # 29
or are you only doing this because you know the girl? or will you tell everyone you see with him that this is what he did to you? What is your hopes in this situation? That he won't hit her? that she will leave him? just so she will know? maybe she does know...men can't go around beating women without there being some whispers already.
this is the thing, there is always going to be another woman. if it's not her, its' going to be someone else...and what you can't do is chase this around...we have to allow adults to be adults. he may have changed, he may not...and I know he hurt you and you want him out of your life, so of course seeing him with a friend of a friend will bring up old feelings and there's hurt and resentment but you can't control what other people do. if her FRIEND doesn't want to speak up, then obviously she doesn't see any issue between them because if she did, she would...or maybe she's not her real friend? who knows...i know you can't let this make you crazy.
my honest answer is if you want to tell her, then tell her but be prepared for the drama that may come along with that. be prepared for his anger and her anger. recognize that you telling her might not benefit her at all and if you can accept that, and you are comfortable handling anything negative that may come, then go ahead. i don't mean to be negative but if this is your choice, you should prepare for the worse and hope for the best.
I guess I just assumed that a woman wouldn't be flaunting a man all over her fb page and proclaiming to be so in love with them if she knew that he gave me a black eye, nearly broke my wrist, and attempted to strangle me. That's just me tho. *shrugs*
Also, he wasn't just physically abusive. He was also, verbally, mentally, and emotionally abusive.
18. "she should tell her. and what she does with the info is on her" In response to Reply # 11
But I'd want to know.
I was in an abusive relationship before. And there was a chicken that wanted my dude and I kinda let her have him. Lol. That was my out. Years later I saw her and she gave me the most evil look. I felt bad that I kinda set her up like that. But she wanted him and I didnt.
If I could go back, I'd do things differently, but then again I'd do a lot of things differently. ♥♥Church Diva♥♥
42. "yeah. I thought so, but the look she gave me was painful" In response to Reply # 19
And the good thing was she was on medication and knew about his mental problems. He never discussed his mental problems with me and never took medication. She was younger than I was and he was 8 years older than me. But she had been through more in life so she knew how to deal with him better. But he was more abusive to her because he thought he could be because she knew his mental issues and accepted him. And shit just went really bad for them.
But hey, I can't feel but too bad Ain't no one feeling bad for me. ♥♥Church Diva♥♥
26. "i would want and hope for that as well. but if its still early in their" In response to Reply # 25 Tue Dec-23-14 05:03 PM by mikediggz
relationship then maybe it hasn't occurred yet, in which case receiving that info might at least prompt her to ask some questions or raise some red flags. maybe shes seen glipses of dudes temper but he hasn't laid hands on her yet...who knows. there are a million hypotheticals, but id rather that my sis, moms, female cuz, etc etc have that info than not. a lot of ppl may not heed the warning but she may be that one who does.
>that might be idealist. > >but if it's at the point that i know, i'm sure she knows.
24. "people always say they would have wanted to know AFTER " In response to Reply # 21
the fact. "i wish someone told me/i would have wanted to know." lol YES we all do but that doesn't mean they will believe it when you tell them.
Let's be real, if someone you don't really know well, who is the ex of your current came up to you and said s/he use to beat me, and you are in love and this person isn't hitting your or treating you bad you gonna think two things:
1. s/he's lying/hating 2. s/he wont' do that with me, i know.
either way knowing in advance doesn't really prevent a situation. she says they are all in love posting happy and shit. she not gonna stop doing that because one person says he hit me.
28. "right but she can verify the info tho. she can go to the mutual" In response to Reply # 24
friend and ask. if mutual friend is honest, then its on the potential vic to heed the warning. if she doesn't she doesn't but at least she had a heads up
>>2. s/he wont' do that with me, i know.
hopefully she wouldn't be that naive to believe that, but I know some ppl are unfortunately.
41. "Who else would tell her?" In response to Reply # 35
I, myself only told a few people about his behavior, and no one (that I know of) knows both her and him; so who else are you expecting to tell her besides me?
37. "would i break up with my beau if i was told by his ex he was abusive?" In response to Reply # 0
i dont know it would probably make me quicker to pull the trigger on the relationship if i see weak signs that he's volatile but the real question is will dude see red and want to confront you (or worse) for interfering in his relationship? because you know she's going to tell him
38. "He might not do her IF..." In response to Reply # 0
she's got a "back up plan", meaning a uncle, brother or other person that will not hesitate to beat his ass if he tries to hurt her or even a large aggressive dog.
Most abusive guys are cowards and don't want get fucked up!!! But I see nothing wrong with warning her...Let her take the warning whatever way she wants to...
46. "Is this real life?" In response to Reply # 40
It's ironic that you use the term "stalking" because he literally stalked me, (followed me everywhere, called my job, even stalked my friends) like REAL stalking and harassment. So, please miss me with that. She posted on one of my friends posts and my ex was in her profile pic.
legsdiamond Member since May 05th 2011 79574 posts
Wed Dec-24-14 09:03 AM
58. "but it was 3 years ago... " In response to Reply # 46
You are coming off like you are stalking him. Most people see an ex who was shity and scream "fuck him"
Now, I think she should know.... but it damn sure shouldn't be from you. If you put your name on this warning it shows you aren't over him and you kinda/sorta want some drama back in your life.
If you friend didn't think she needs to be warned it shows how much of a friend they are...
43. "don't risk your own safety" In response to Reply # 0
yes, you know what your past was with him. at this time, you have no idea what their relationship is like. and if/when you tell her, then what? i don't think she's likely to leave him just because an acquaintance said he was abusive in the past. we humans have egos and she'd probably be on some, "that was you. i wish a nigga would hit me!"
and like you said...you're not certain if he would retaliate if he found out your interfered. leave it alone. for you, your safety should come first.
------------------------------------- "i'm the sexiest adventurer in the world."
49. "wait, she knows it? or your friend knows it?" In response to Reply # 0
tough call but if this was serious abuse then i would tell her in a plain, factual manner. it will take guts and there could definitely be fallout. shitty position to be in, first to be abused and now to face any sort of consequences for doing the right thing.
And you will know MY JACKET IS GOLD when I lay my vengeance upon thee.
55. "once upon a time...i knew a guy" In response to Reply # 0
make that several guys...
that were tagged abusive...
but later found out...
on one...it was a 1 time occurence...they broke up initially...then less than a year later repaired it with no repeat offenses (5 years+ later)
another one who had never had any history of ANY violent behavior...but had a highly volatile/abusive relationship with one woman...never to have any issues since...about 2 long-term relationships later...same ol g...
i know about 2 of each of those type of abusive guys...
i knew a couple chronically abusive guys who are all likely nonredeemable assholes to this day
I myself have found myself in an abusive situation...literally once in my life...never again...
my point being...it's probably more wise to mind your business...if he's changed...he's fine and she's fine...if he hasn't...she likely already knows
Let me sport my Air Hyperbole 2010s in peace. (c) ansomble
blkprinceMD05 Member since Nov 29th 2004 41323 posts
Wed Dec-24-14 09:11 AM
60. "The mutual friend sounds like someone I would hate. Those lil weak " In response to Reply # 0
Ppl that "don't want to rock the boat" and will let PPP get harmed by their weakness
It would be wise for her to say, I'm not saying this is going to happen to u but he used to beat my friend and then she can link y'all up if the other girl wants to hear it from u
You could also try to contact her anonymously if the mutual friend doesn't step up
She should know but u don't want to put urself at risk again
Maybe he did change but she should know about his violent past
I wouldn't even want to associate with someone who was described by someone as having "beat my ass" u didn't say it was a one off fight, u said he used to beat my ass
I'm not surprised that some of the males on here are taking the mind ur business stance and making best case scenarios for a dude they don't kno. I'm also not surprised some are being pure assholes. It's the internet for u
But yeah all we have to go on is u saying he used to beat ur ass so all the caping for dude is just extra
prototype
stand ur ground, believe in urself, believe in love, prepare urself for love, remove the negativity from ur life, and accept the love u kno u deserve
Idk why I expected any different from Okp seeing the way some were caping, even for fools like Ray Rice, but our mutual friend probably isn't going to tell her and upon sleeping on it, I don't want the drama of him trying to come after me. So, as bad as I feel for her, I've just decided to leave it alone. I'll just pray that he has changed or she leaves him if he hasn't changed.
72. "Whatever the case may be " In response to Reply # 69 Wed Dec-24-14 01:01 PM by Chat_bouts
No pun intended. Your question was kind of offensive. Why would I need to get back at him after I dumped him 3 years ago?! I just happened to run across a chick that I know who is dating him and I thought it was right that she knew about his abusive, controlling, and manipulative ass. You're reading more into it than what it is.
And she's only been dating him for a second; so she probably isn't privy to this info. The signs didn't come until almost a year after (at time when I was already falling for him) we began dating.
78. "Offensive? You asked a question. I asked you two questions. " In response to Reply # 72
>No pun intended. Your question was kind of offensive. Why >would I need to get back at him after I dumped him 3 years >ago?! I just happened to run across a chick that I know who is >dating him and I thought it was right that she knew about his >abusive, controlling, and manipulative ass. You're reading >more into it than what it is. >
How is anyone reading more into what you said? You posted an entire paragraph and asked for opinions. If you only wanted validation for something that you already want to do, then why ask. The fact is that you want to tell that other female without sounding crazy and you want validation for your actions. So, just do it and move on.
>And she's only been dating him for a second; so she probably >isn't privy to this info. The signs didn't come until almost a >year after (at time when I was already falling for him) we >began dating.
The rest of this is just background for your intended actions. Thus, if you really want to save her, then you don't need anyones opinion. So, my questions are based on your intended goal.
. . . "America, stop turning our Court Houses of Justice into Dens for Justified Murderers."
82. "Your question was offensive to me because you asked if I was" In response to Reply # 78
Trying to "get back at him". What prompted you to even ask that? Was there something that I wrote that led you to assume that my intention was anything other than saving her?
84. "Why would an honest question offend you?" In response to Reply # 82 Wed Dec-24-14 04:35 PM by Case_One
>Trying to "get back at him". What prompted you to even ask >that? Was there something that I wrote that led you to assume >that my intention was anything other than saving her?
I don't know you or your motivations. So, I asked two general questions that I'm sure other's may have been thinking. And yes, a lot of what your wrote "could be" taken as bitter, hurt, still mad, Etc, if one was to read it that way. I didn't.
I offered an angle and an opportunity for you to respond and thus remover that angle from people's possible perception. I offered not rebuttal, I just asked the hard question. You took offense based on an assumption about my intentions, when I refused to assume anything. Hence the open and honest question.
The fact is this whole series of responses between you and I is based off perception. I have no kind of negative perception of you, not have I assumed anything, which provided me the freedom to ask an honest, but hard and straight forward question. To which you could have answered without being offended.
But it's all good. Offending you was not my goal.
. . . "America, stop turning our Court Houses of Justice into Dens for Justified Murderers."
but i'm mature enough to know that when people are abusive...they will abuse u in any way they know how...
i've been abused by women...i've been bullied by men...
they both fucking suck and your reaction to them differ but abuse is abuse...
u say i'm minimizing...i say you're aggrandizing...
it's not bc i'm a male...
the one thing that makes physical abuse worse for me is the mortal risk (and the overall treatment of women) and that's why it's such a social responsibility for us to tackle it and treat it so aggressively
but in my eyes abuse is abuse...and if don't know that a person has continued a pattern of abuse...i'd be hesitant to inject that into anyone else's life
Let me sport my Air Hyperbole 2010s in peace. (c) ansomble
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