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types of things.
i've got at least three 'connectors' on this:
- my mother in law passed away in 2012. cancer. in the end she had blood clots and morphine and we sat at her side all day watching her fade. she was vaguely coherent when we broke all speed limits to get there in the morning. and then, less and less of her, declining steeply until it became like reverse labor. monitoring her breaths, watching her heart rate for any signs of pain or distress, and trying to ease her transition.
- my grandmother passed in may. over the preceding year she had attenuated, sliding until there was less of Nana and more of just... i can't think of a suitable term. but that is painful.
- my wife took on a part time job this year caring for elderly ppl (PCA - a personal care assistant), and its kind of like day care for old folks. vast majority of her clients have had dementia or alzheimers, or both. and her stories have been both hilarious and tragic. one thing that she does with them, though, is she goes to fantasyland with them. she was pushing around this very sweet old lady in a wheelchair, and the lady's memories took her back to being a systems engineer at ibm. so my wife was like, ok, what client are we visiting? the navy? ok. the lady fussed at her for getting an install wrong and my wife said, but dani, you hadn't finished training me yet. dani replied, "oh, that's right. well, it wasn't THAT bad. and you'll get better... what you needed to do was..."
those three things occurred in sequence for me. an unexpected (we knew something was wrong w/ my wife's mom but didn't find out until late that it was cancer, and then it was a steep drop) dealing with death and decline. an expected, but more gradual dealing with it, and dementia, in a woman who was always so fiercely independent and sharp witted. and then, lately, so many stories of others living with diminished capacities, and coming to the realization that even though that person doesn't 'know' you at that time, it COUNTS for something.
role play with your aunt. feed her ice chips and tell her its steak (my wife has to do this sometimes w/ the folks to get them to eat). talk to her and DESCRIBE the feeling of chewing those ritz crackers.
or even sneak her some. (this old man who used to be a tobacco exec was always complaining that he wanted REAL food. he had to eat some nasty mess that had some pasty, sticky stuff mixed in to make it like a sludge). she went and chopped up some deli ham and then put it on some bread and gave him a ham sandwich. he ate it without choking and to hear her relay how he talked about it, you'd have thought it was the finest filet in the best restaurant ever.
she got word that he passed the week after. but that small thing was an act of kindness. he may have not consciously understood it as so, but i think it still mattered.
i am praying for you and your dad, and all of your family. i'm praying for your aunt (that's important, too, praying for her peaceful transition).
this is such a hard thing to endure and i hope it will be more bearable.
peace & blessings,
x.
www.twitter.com/poetx
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I'm an advocate for working smarter, not harder. If you just
focus on working hard you end up making someone else rich and
not having much to show for it. (c) mad
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Love you, stay strong.
