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Announcer: And now it’s time for the 2007 SPILLED LATTE AWARDS! Please give a warm welcome to your host, Frank Longo!
*lights goes down in the theater*
******** INTRO FILM **********
*footage from the end of Benjamin Button as Brad Pitt narrates*
Some people, were born to sit by a river. Some get struck by lightning. Some have an ear for music. Some are artists. Some swim. Some know buttons. Some know Shakespeare. Some are mothers. And some people, moderate.
*shot of Frank Longo in 1970s garb standing on a soapbox surrounded by millions of Okayplayers*
Frank: My name is Frank Longo, and I’m here to recruit you!
*roar of the crowd*
*cut to Longo walking with Frank Langella as Richard Nixon*
Nixon: You know those message boards of yours, the ones I read about on the internet. Do you actually enjoy those?
Longo: Of course.
Nixon: You have no idea how fortunate that makes you, liking posters. Being liked. Having that facility. That lightness, that charm. I don't have it, I never did.
Longo: That’s okay. Zootown doesn’t have it either.
*cut to Zoo wearing suit in suburban home, yelling at woman in blonde wig*
Zoo: I support you, don't I? I work ten hours a day with these trolls I can't stand!
reveal the woman in blonde wig to be Johnbook
Johnbook: You don't have to!
Zoo: But I have the backbone not to run away from my responsibilities!
*Johnbook throws table across room as Michael Shannon pokes his head in*
Michael Shannon: Crash sucked.
Zoo: Would you stop comin in and telling the truth all the damn time?? And where is Longo?
*cut to Longo with Kwame Brown, who is in bed eating cake*
Brown: Twenty-seven years old and I haven't done a thing that I'm proud of.
Longo: You keep eating thatcake, you're not going to make it to twenty-eight.
*Longo leaves. Brown looks pensive.*
*cut to Marisa Tomei rubbing her ass all over Longo, dressed as the Wrestler. An awkwardly long silence passes.*
Tomei: Psst… Frank. Aren’t you supposed to tell the joke how I’m old and breaking it down on your piece of meat?
Longo: Yeah yeah… in a minute.
*shot of Aaron Eckhart as Harvey Dent in the corner, chained down to hospital bed, screaming in agony*
Longo: You mad, doggie.
*cut to animated Boaz from Waltz With Bashir with animated Longo in bar*
Boaz: I keep having this dream where 26 angry dogs are pursuing me. What could this mean?
Longo: You probably shouldn’t have made that post about loving Death Proof.
Boaz: You’re buying these drinks, right?
Longo: Way to perpetuate a stereotype, Boaz.
*Longo pays and runs out the door, and becomes human again when he gets into car and starts driving. He doesn’t notice Eddie Marsan from Happy-Go-Lucky in the passenger seat.*
Marsan: Mirrors! Signal! Maneuver! En-ra-ha!
Longo: Dammit, not this guy! I’m late already.
Marsan: Late posting this, or late to host the awards?
Longo: I delayed the ceremony so we wouldn’t lose any in the conversion to digital. Besides, I didn’t mean to have it up so late.
Marsan: The road to Hell is paved by the path of good intentions.
Longo: A road is paved by a path? I liked you more in Hancock.
*Longo runs out of car, passes The Joker.*
Joker: Wanna see a magic trick?
Longo: Some other time. If I’m late, I’m gonna kill myself!
*the Joker frowns*
Longo: Sorry. Inappropriate word choice.
*Longo is about to run through some curtains when Marisa Tomei returns.*
Tomei: Frankie! I’m here. I’m really here.
*The Roots start playing through curtains, everyone starts chanting “Longo! Longo!”*
Longo: You hear that? This is where I belong.
*Longo walks through curtains. Tomei remains and looks at the camera*
Tomei: Ladies and gentlemen, the only host who would turn me down, enjoy musical theater, and still claim to be a heterosexual… Frank Longo!
*clip ends, curtains open and Longo walks out to obligatory standing ovation*
Longo: Thank you, Marisa. Re-enacting The Wrestler with her was fun, but we had more fun last year re-enacting the beginning of Before The Devil Knows You’re Dead. *whistles and catcalls from audience* Now to present the Best Supporting Actor award, a man who always encourages folks to pass the popcorn, we’re thrilled to have him here on his way to Buffalo… Terrell Owens!
*applause and a smattering of boos as Mr. Owens approaches the mic*
Mr. Owens: Thank you, Frank. The role of a Supporting Actor is to help propel the entire film forward as a whole. If the Lead Actor is unable to get the job done by himself, it’s up to the Supporting Actor to throw the whole squad on his shoulders. If a Supporting Actor attempts to commit suicide and succeeds, he is an icon who will be sorely missed, but if he fails, he’s a distraction and gets shipped off to Buffalo. *awkward laughter*
In 5th place, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Doubt.
In 4th place, Robert Downey Jr., Tropic Thunder.
In 3rd place, Michael Shannon, Revolutionary Road.
In 2nd place, Eddie Marsan, Happy-Go-Lucky.
And the winner of the Best Supporting Actor Spilled Latte, with 74 points is… Heath Ledger, The Dark Knight!
*obligatory applause for Ledger’s family, sincere rehearsed thanks dedicated to the memory of Ledger, mention of young daughter made but she is nowhere to be seen*
Frank Longo: What a moving acceptance speech and a tragic fate. I think the suicide note he left was unnecessary though—it said, “Wanna see a magic trick? I can make a bottle of Quaaludes… disappear!” *uproarious laughter in the front row from drunk Jack Nicholson and silence from everyone else* Ahem. Up next, to present the Spilled Latte Award for Best Visual Effects, a man who looks like young Benjamin Button, ladies and gentlemen… Rjcc!
*applause as Rjcc approaches the mic*
Rjcc: Thank you, Frank. This year’s nominees gave us villains playing psychological games and unbelievable technology. They took us to the future, and made time move backwards. They’re a lot like Lost, only they don’t fucking suck. *audience laughter because they knew where that was headed*
In 5th place, Wall-E.
In 4th place, Hellboy 2: The Golden Army.
In 3rd place, The Dark Knight.
In 2nd place, Iron Man.
And the winner of the Best Visual Effects Spilled Latte, with 52 points is… The Curious Case of Benjamin Button!
*man no one knows walks up, accepts award, starts getting played off the stage 20 seconds into speech*
Frank Longo: Congratulations, whoever you were. The real special effect in Benjamin Button was that they made 3 hours in a theater feel like 10! *laughter* Up next, to present the Best Cinematography award for the second year in a row, a man who rarely posts in PTP only because his laptop is trapped in the closet… Mistermaxx!
*applause as Mistermaxx approaches the mic*
Mistermaxx: Thanks Frank. When Cinematography is Great&Beautiful, it Makes the Happy People steppin Like 12 Play 4th Quarter. While some Videos are Referred to as Evidence, Others are Cinematic Achievements&the bucktoothed Buffons who Voted for These Awards ain’t No Jive Turkeys.
In 5th place, Roger Deakins, Revolutionary Road.
In 4th place, Colin Watkinson, The Fall.
In 3rd place, Anthony Dod Mantle, Slumdog Millionaire.
In 2nd place, Claudio Miranda, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.
&The Winner of the Best Cinematography Spilled Latte, with 43 points Is…Wally Pfister, The Dark Knight!
*Pfister graciously accepts award, announces collaboration with R. Kelly in future*
Frank Longo: I guess Mr. Pfister likes filming people who wear masks. *laughter at awards show one-liner* Up next, to present the award for Best Adapted Screenplay, a man who hopes to be nominated next year for his adaptation of his own Madea Goes To Jail. Tyler Perry!
*slight applause as Tyler Perry approaches the mic in suit made of money*
Tyler Perry: Thank you, Frank. Over the last few years, I’ve adapted screenplays and built an empire so successful that I can afford to buy my own private tropical island. No one nominated tonight will ever be able to do that, I just wanted to remind you all how rich I am.
In 5th place, Eric Roth, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.
In 4th place, Chris Nolan, Jonathan Nolan, David S. Goyer, The Dark Knight.
In 3rd place, Simon Beaufoy, Slumdog Millionaire.
In 2nd place, John Patrick Shanley, Doubt.
And the winner of the Best Adapted Screenplay Spilled Latte, with 45 points, winning by 1 point is… Peter Morgan, Frost/Nixon!
*Morgan accepts award, makes a couple of British jokes that go over the heads of most of the audience*
Frank Longo: Peter Morgan should talk to Tyler Perry about a collaboration-- Madea Goes To Buckingham Palace. Imagine the zany cross-culture hi-jinks! As a matter of face, I’m copyrighting that one. Mr. Perry, wait for my call. Up next, to present the Best Original Screenplay, a man who wants to be Tyler Perry… not for the money, but for the skin color. Quentin Tarantino!
*mixed reaction as Tarantino sprints out onto the stage*
Quentin Tarantino: Thanks! It’s so great to be here, man! The award for Original Screenplay is about screenwriters with unique voices, alright? Not afraid to express their own original visions, alright? I have the privilege to present the CLOSEST RACE IN LATTES HISTORY.
In 5th place, with 27 points, Charlie Kaufman, Synecdoche, New York.
Tied for 2nd place, with 28 points, Andrew Stanton, Jim Reardon, Pete Docter, Martin McDonagh, and my soul sista Jenny Lumet, for Wall-E, In Bruges, and Rachel Getting Married.
And the winner of the Best Original Screenplay Spilled Latte, with 29 points is… Dustin Lance Black, Milk!
*Black accepts award, makes impassioned speech about gay rights, receives standing ovation*
Frank Longo: Congratulations, Dustin. And thank you, Quentin… it’s a shame Death Proof was also Quality Proof. *laughter* I actually found a clip of Quentin’s adaptation of Milk, that I’ll share with you now.
*video clip rolls of Dan White strolling into City Hall chewing on a toothpick holding a rifle during one long take set to The Animals’ “House of the Rising Sun.” As he holds the rifle up to Sean Penn, Brolin’s head is suddenly blown off, revealing Jim Brown standing behind him wielding a 45.*
Jim Brown: Who’s Death Proof now, bitch?
Harvey Milk: Thanks, Jim Brown!
Jim Brown: Forget about it, my n*gga.
*Sean Penn and Jim Brown embrace as The Spinners’ “I Could Never Repay Your Love” plays and the picture fades to black*
*applause from the audience because they know it’s true*
Frank Longo: Up next, to present Best Supporting Actress, everyone’s least favorite mod, give it up for Zootown!
*applause as Zootown approaches the mic*
Zootown: Yeah, good luck getting me to take the bait. Sorry, I won’t. This year, we have a crazy ex-wife, a wife-to-be, two married to God, and a stripper. This year’s nominees aren’t better than last year’s. Good luck trying to convince me otherwise. I’m mad? No, you’re mad. Sorry.
In 5th place, Amy Adams, Doubt.
In 4th place, Penelope Cruz, Vicky Cristina Barcelona.
In 3rd place, Rosemarie DeWitt, Rachel Getting Married.
In 2nd place, Viola Davis, Doubt.
And the winner of the Best Supporting Actress Spilled Latte by 3 points, with 47 points is… Marisa Tomei, The Wrestler! It’s not ‘cism. The titties won. Cry about it.
*Tomei with her fine ass accepts graciously*
Frank Longo: Congrats, Marisa. Remember last decade when you weren’t showing the titties? Now it seems like every movie you make you’re flauntin’ em? You were right in The Wrestler—the nineties sucked. *applause from the audience* Next up, to present Best Actress, I give you the resident expert of indie flicks on PTP… but only because Janey, kurlyswirl, and Ricky_Butler never post anymore… Sponge!
*applause as Sponge approaches the mic*
Sponge: Thank you, Frank. I’d like to state my disappointment that more of the films I voted for didn’t make it. I wanted to give special mention to Anamaria Marincu of 4 Months, 3 Weeks, and 2 Days, which was one point away from being nominated for Best Actress. *shot of Marincu in the audience, applause of acknowledgement even though most people applauding didn’t see the movie* Now, onto the award…
In 5th place, Kate Winslet, Revolutionary Road.
In 4th place, Melissa Leo, Frozen River.
In 3rd place, Sally Hawkins, Happy-Go-Lucky.
In 2nd place, Anne Hathaway, Rachel Getting Married.
And the winner of the Best Actress Spilled Latte, with 57 points is… Meryl Streep, Doubt!
*GOAT accepts her award, still feigns surprise after all these years*
Frank Longo: I didn’t have any DOUBT that she would win that award. *polite chuckles at bad award-show pun* And now, to present Best Director, a man that made a billion dollars this year despite a terrible case of bronchitis… Batman!
*Christian Bale as Batman comes on, earning loud applause*
Batman: A director should be a white knight on set. Sometimes he directs long enough to see himself become the villain. He’s whatever the set needs him to be.
*Shane Hurlbut wanders behind Batman, Batman turns and looks.*
Batman: Goddammit.
Shane: Don’t mind me, CB. Just doin my thang.
Batman: I didn’t see Semi-Pro or Swing Vote nominated for Best Cinematography this year. Coincidence?
Shane: Just be glad America’s too dumb to give a shit about your dumbass growl. It’s fucking distracting.
Batman: Okay.
Shane: I’m trying to fucking watch a scene, and I am going, “Why the fuck is CB growling in there? What is he doing there?” Do you understand my mind is not in the scene if you’re doing that?
Batman: I absolutely apologize. I’m sorry, I did not mean anything by it.
Shane: Stay off the fucking growling, man. For fuck’s sake.
Batman: The results are…
In 5th place, Ron Howard, Frost/Nixon.
In 4th place, Danny Boyle, Slumdog Millionaire.
In 3rd place, David Fincher, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.
In 2nd place, Christopher Nolan, The Dark Knight.
And the winner of the Best Director Spilled Latte, with 51 points is…Darren Aronofsky, The Wrestler!
*Aronofsky thanks everyone, including his awesome mustache*
Frank Longo: Shane Hurlbut, everyone. When I was watching Semi-Pro, I too thought, “This is the type of cinematography I wanna see in a Terminator flick!” The next award for Best Actor I will be announcing myself. This honor has been given to me because it’s the record for most points ever received by any nominee, and the highest average point total for any nominee. This actor received the first place vote on every ballot except two, and a second place vote on one of those two. *audible gasps from the audience*
In 5th place, Brad Pitt, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.
In 4th place, Michael Shannon, Shotgun Stories.
In 3rd place, Sean Penn, Milk.
In 2nd place, Frank Langella, Frost/Nixon.
And the winner of the Best Actor Spilled Latte, by 45 points, with an 84 point total is… Mickey Rourke, The Wrestler!
*Rourke gives rambling 5-minute profanity-laced speech, an instant classic in SLA history*
Frank Longo: Oh Mickey, you’re so high, you’re so high, you can’t deny, hey Mickey! *canned laughter at corny joke* And now, presenting the final award for Best Picture, the man who gave the Spilled Latte Awards their name, Orbit_Established!
*applause as O_E approaches the mic*
O_E: The Best Picture nominees are all good except for one. If that overhyped, overcooked bullshit The Dark Knight, I’m gonna take the name “Spilled Lattes” and replace it with “The PTP Sucks Orbit_Established’s Monstrously Huge Dick Awards.” Mang.
In 5th place, Frost/Nixon.
In 4th place, Wall-E.
In 3rd place, the far-superior-to-The-Dark-Knight Slumdog Millionaire.
In 2nd place, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! THE DARK KNIGHT!!!!!!!!!!! O_E WINS AGAIN AND YOU MAD!!!!!!!!!!
And the winner of the Best Picture Spilled Latte Award by 22 points, with 52 points total is… The Wrestler!
*Rourke, Aronofsky, Tomei with her fine ass, Todd Barry and all the rest storm the stage*
Frank Longo: That does it for this year, y’all! The Wrestler takes home 4 Spilled Lattes, The Dark Knight gets two, and the others get one apiece. Be sure to tune in next year, where I’ll perform a witty opening musical number with Beyonce, and Marisa Tomei will rub her ass all on me again for no reason whatsoever. Good night everyone!
*curtains close, credits roll*
******* ORIGINAL POST *******
In case you forgot, the "nominees" are the Top 5 votegetters in every category. The Spilled Latte Awards, coming Sunday March 8th.
So what if Oscar snubbed Batman? The Dark Knight leads all films with six Spilled Latte nominations, with Doubt and The Curious Case of Benjamin Button closely behind with five. Recent Academy Award juggernaut Slumdog Millionaire only managed to pick up four nods, along with The Wrestler and Frost/Nixon. Michael Shannon surprisingly achieved the feat Casey Affleck managed last year, nominations in both Best Actor and Best Supporting Actor fields-- including a shocking upset nomination for his leading role in Shotgun Stories, a film the Academy showed no love to. Also receiving more due from the Spilled Latte voters than the Academy were Rachel Getting Married with three nominations and Happy-Go-Lucky with two.
BEST PICTURE:
The Dark Knight
Frost/Nixon
Slumdog Millionaire
Wall-E
The Wrestler
BEST DIRECTOR:
Darren Aronofsky, The Wrestler
Danny Boyle, Slumdog Millionaire
David Fincher, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Ron Howard, Frost/Nixon
Christopher Nolan, The Dark Knight
BEST ACTOR:
Frank Langella, Frost/Nixon
Sean Penn, Milk
Brad Pitt, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Mickey Rourke, The Wrestler
Michael Shannon, Shotgun Stories
BEST ACTRESS:
Anne Hathaway, Rachel Getting Married
Sally Hawkins, Happy-Go-Lucky
Melissa Leo, Frozen River
Meryl Streep, Doubt
Kate Winslet, Revolutionary Road
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR:
Robert Downey Jr., Tropic Thunder
Philip Seymour Hoffman, Doubt
Heath Ledger, The Dark Knight
Eddie Marsan, Happy-Go-Lucky
Michael Shannon, Revolutionary Road
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS:
Amy Adams, Doubt
Penelope Cruz, Vicky Cristina Barcelona
Viola Davis, Doubt
Rosemarie DeWitt, Rachel Getting Married
Marisa Tomei, The Wrestler
BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY:
Dustin Lance Black, Milk
Charlie Kaufman, Synecdoche, New York
Jenny Lumet, Rachel Getting Married
Martin McDonagh, In Bruges
Andrew Stanton, Jim Reardon, and Pete Docter, Wall-E
BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY:
Simon Beaufoy, Slumdog Millionaire
Peter Morgan, Frost/Nixon
Christopher Nolan, Jonathan Nolan, and David Goyer, The Dark Knight
Eric Roth, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
John Patrick Shanley, Doubt
BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY:
Roger Deakins, Revolutionary Road
Anthony Dod Mantle, Slumdog Millionaire
Claudio Miranda, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Wally Pfister, The Dark Knight
Colin Watkinson, The Fall
BEST VISUAL EFFECTS:
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
The Dark Knight
Hellboy II: The Golden Army
Iron Man
Wall-E
My movies: http://russellhainline.com
My movie reviews: https://letterboxd.com/RussellHFilm/
My beer TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@thebeertravelguide
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