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Announcer: And now it’s time for the 2007 SPILLED LATTE AWARDS! Please give a warm welcome to your host, Frank Longo!
*lights goes down in the theater*
******** INTRO FILM **********
*a shot of Denis O'Hare and George Clooney in a kitchen, direct from Michael Clayton*
Denis O’Hare: A miracle worker. That’s Walter on the phone twenty minutes ago. Direct quote, okay? ‘Hang tight, I’m sending you a miracle worker.’
George Clooney: Well he misspoke. I’m sending you Frank Longo.
*cut to dramatic shot of Frank Longo dressed in Michael Clayton-ish suit staring at a horse*
George Clooney: He’s not the guy you kill, he’s the guy you buy! Are you so blind that you don’t even see what he is? He sold out Johnbook for 80 grand!
*cut to Frank Longo lying in bed staring at Brad Pitt as Jesse James, Longo tries to stand*
Brad Pitt: Go back to bed.
Frank Longo: I have to go check in on PTP.
Brad Pitt: You think you do, but you don't.
*Longo lies back down nervously. Robert Downey Jr. as Paul Avery comes out from under the covers*
Robert Downey Jr.: He still looming?
Frank Longo: Yeah.
Robert Downey Jr: Jesus Herald Christ on rubber crutches.
*cut to ZooTown sitting in Kevin O’Connor’s clothes from There Will Be Blood*
ZooTown: Why did you give me an OK?
*Frank is revealed at Daniel Plainview*
Frank Longo: I see the worst in Okayplayers. I don’t need to look past seeing their posts to get all I need. I’ve built my hatred up over the years, little by little, Zoo… to have you here gives me second breath. I can’t keep doing this on my own with these…people.
*crossfade shot of him laughing to shot of Ellen Page as Juno*
Ellen Page: What about kurlyswirl? You could totally co-moderate with kurlyswirl.
Frank Longo dressed as Paulie Bleeker: No, I don’t like kurlyswirl. She smells like soup. Have you ever smelled her? I mean, her whole house smells like soup.
*cut to Kelly MacDonald as Carla Jean Moss frightened in a chair*
Kelly MacDonald: You don’t have to do this.
Frank Longo sitting in chair with Chigurh wig: People always say that. ‘You don’t have to do this.’ But I mean, I put this awards show together, didn’t I? It seems only right.
*cut to shot of Frank Longo dressed as Frank Lucas approaching the camera as Jay-Z’s “Heart of the City” plays. Frank points the gun into the camera and smiles*
Frank Longo: My man.
*the gun fires and the screen goes white*
************END INTRO FILM ***************
*Frank Longo takes the stage to thunderous applause*
Frank Longo: Thank you, thank you. Here to present our first award for the evening, Best Supporting Actor, is a man who was the visual model for Gollum in the Lord of the Rings movies. Here he is, Rjcc!
*applause as Rjcc approaches the mic*
Rjcc: The supporting actor is one of the most important parts of a film. Without the supporting actors, the lead actors would be left to wander aimlessly, much like the writing on Lost. All of these actors have given critically acclaimed performances, but only one can be the winner. The rest will go home knowing they suck more than Studio 60.
In 5th place, Casey Affleck. The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford.
In 4th place, Robert Downey Jr. Zodiac.
In 3rd place, Paul Dano. There Will Be Blood.
In 2nd place, Tommy Lee Jones, No Country For Old Men.
And the winner of the Best Supporting Actor Spilled Latte, with 57 points is… Javier Bardem, No Country For Old Men!
*Javier accepts his Spilled Latte, gives brief speech, exits to applause*
Frank Longo: Boy, did you see his wig in that film? They should have called it Bad Haircuts For Old Men! *forced laughter at typical awards-show one-liner* Thank you. Up next, to present Best Cinematography, is someone who rarely comes to PTP, but is known throughout the world. Please give it up for Mistermaxx!
*applause as Mistermaxx approaches the mic*
Mistermaxx: Cinematography is The Kang of film&it Makes All of the People happy like a New R. Kelly Album. Much as the Kang of R&B cares About camerawork&Framing, so Do the Jive-Ass Turkey Buffons that Make up the Voting Committee.
In 5th place, Seamus McGarvey, Atonement.
In 4th place, Harris Savides, Zodiac.
In 3rd place, Roger Deakins, No Country For Old Men.
In 2nd place, Robert Elswitt, There Will Be Blood.
&The Winner of the Best Cinematography Spilled Latte, with 39 Points, is… Roger Deakins, The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford!
*Roger accepts his Spilled Latte, gives brief speech, exits to applause*
Frank Longo: The real winner tonight isn’t Roger, but whichever lady goes home with Mistermaxx. *whistles from audience* He’s got a long hard ampersand with your name on it! *forced laughter at somewhat-naughty awards-show one-liner* Next up, to present the award for Best Adapted Screenplay, is someone who has seen only one of the films nominated for an award tonight… give a round of applause for Janey!
*applause as Janey approaches the mic*
Janey: Frank, that’s not fair! I’ve seen two of the nominated films! *laughter at awards-show banter* Adapting a screenplay from a novel is harder than a man wearing a vibrating cockring, so like that man with the vibrating cockring, the writer needs to have a great deal of talent otherwise I will leave displeased.
In 5th place, Ronald Harwood, The Diving Bell and the Butterfly.
In 4th place, Andrew Dominik, The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford.
In 3rd place, James Vanderbilt, Zodiac.
In 2nd place, the Coen Brothers, No Country For Old Men.
And the winner of the Best Adapted Screenplay Spilled Latte, by a 6 point margin, with 60 total points, is… Paul Thomas Anderson, There Will Be Blood!
*Paul accepts his Spilled Latte, gives brief speech, exits to applause*
Frank Longo: After Janey’s intro, I bet Paul’s trying to get her number back there. Yowza! There Will Be FCC fines! *nervous laughter from audience* Up next, presenting the Best Supporting Actress award, is a man who lost out on the role of Mr. Furious in Mystery Men, because… well, he was just too damn furious. Say hello to Bignick!
*applause as Bignick approaches the mic*
Bignick: This year’s Best Supporting Actress nominees include a nervous corporate lawyer, a white-trash mother, two distressed wives, and Bob Dylan. But what they all have in common is incredible talent… okay, seriously, who wrote this garbage? Is Tyler Perry writing this? Shouldn’t a gospel choir be coming in about now? *laughter at Bignick’s consistently hilarious Tyler Perry hate*
In 5th place, Marisa Tomei, Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead.
In 4th place, Kelly MacDonald, No Country For Old Men.
In 3rd place, Cate Blanchett, I’m Not There.
In 2nd place, Tilda Swinton, Michael Clayton.
And the winner of the Best Supporting Actress Spilled Latte, by a mere 3 points, with 39 total, is… Amy Ryan, Gone Baby Gone! Yes! Long live The Wire!
*Amy accepts her Spilled Latte, gives brief speech, exits to applause*
Frank Longo: Congratulations, Amy. Now that you’ve won this prestigious award, your privacy will be gone baby. Gone. *forced laughter at what may be a one-liner but the audience isn’t sure* Up next, presenting the award for Best Original Screenplay, is…
*a page runs onto the stage and whispers something into Longo’s ear*
Frank Longo: …well folks, kurlyswirl was supposed to be here, but she got caught watching a 5-hour Danish movie at some film festival and couldn’t make it. So I’ll just do it myself.
In 5th place, John Carney, Once.
In 4th place, Judd Apatow, Knocked Up.
In 3rd place, Tamara Jenkins, The Savages.
In 2nd place, Diablo Cody, Juno.
And the winner of the Best Original Screenplay Spilled Latte, with 34 points, is… Tony Gilroy, Michael Clayton!
*Tony accepts his Spilled Latte, gives brief speech, mentions George W. leaving office to thunderous applause, exits*
Frank Longo: Now we’re getting to the big ones. Presenting the Spilled Latte for Best Actress is a man who loves his actresses almost as much as he loves his fishsticks. Give it up for Basaglia!
*applause as Basaglia approaches the mic*
Basaglia: no black nominees for a Spilled Latte? *people’s eyebrow* I see it. White people voting for Heigl’s Langolier-mouth, and Madea can’t get any love. He makin money and you is just mad.
In 6th place, Merketa Irglova, Once.
Tied for 3rd place are Wei Tang, Lust, Caution… Helena Bonham Carter, Sweeney Todd, and Katherine Heigl, Knocked Up. GOOD!
In 2nd place, Laura Linney, The Savages.
And the winner of the Best Actress Spilled Latte, with 38 points, despite her lower point average than Linney and her Caucasian cooning… Ellen Page, Juno!
*Ellen accepts the award, slaps Basaglia, says something witty and indie-ish, exits to applause*
Frank Longo: And if you don’t knooow, now Juno. *Biggie reference goes over heads of those in audience* Ahem. Now presenting the award for Best Actor, a man with more aliases than Frank Abagnale Jr., Ricky_Butler!
*applause as Ricky approaches the mic*
Ricky_Butler: Thanks, Frank. If you’ll allow me, I’d like to plug my upcoming post, the 75 greatest male performances in film festival indies of the past 5 years. It’s bound to be an archive-worthy conversation between myself, Sponge, Yogaflame, and no one else. Be sure to check it out. Now, on with the show.
In a 3-way tie for 4th place, Viggo Mortensen, Eastern Promises… Emile Hirsch, Into the Wild… and Casey Affleck, Gone Baby Gone.
In 3rd place, Casey Affleck, The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford.
In 2nd place, George Clooney, Michael Clayton.
And the winner of the Best Actor Spilled Latte, by easily the largest margin, with 79 points… Daniel Day-Lewis, There Will Be Blood!
*Daniel accepts the awards, tears up while mentioning Heath Ledger, dedicates award to Heath’s memory, exits to applause*
Frank Longo: He drinks your latte! He drinks it up! *overplayed reference gets obligatory applause* Up next to present the award for Best Director, the only man who’s ever thrown a doodoo hammer at Martin Scorsese, Southphillyman!
*applause as SPM approaches the mic*
SPM: iono ock
lotta these nominees movies wild homo
zodiac? foh that shit aint real, my mom used to read it in the paper
the moon tells our future, lmao
*laughter from audience*
In a tie for 4th place, Tim Burton, Sweeney Todd… and Andrew Dominik, The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford.
In 3rd place, David Fincher, Zodiac.
In 2nd place, The Coen Brothers, No Country For Old Men
and the winner of the best director spilled latte, by 7 points, with 67 total… Paul Thomas Anderson, There Will Be Blood!
*Paul re-enters, thanks the members of PTP profusely, exits to applause*
Frank Longo: Mugfucker u Paul! *laughs from PTPers who also frequent OkaySports, and silence from everyone else* And now, for our most prestigious award, the Best Picture Spilled Latte, is the man who coined the term… ladies and gentlemen, Orbit_Established!
*mixed applause and boos as Orbit takes the mic*
O_E: The Best Picture Nominees, a.k.a. Good Alternatives for Nyquil, are the worst bunch of strawberry frappalettichino movies you’ve ever supported. Orbit knows you don’t like them. Not really. You just are convincing yourself you like these pieces of shit and building Strawmen to support it, while I laugh at you getting mad and have sex with beautiful dimepieces. Yep. That’s what I’m doin. So keep spillin your lattes, Orbit’s gonna stay laughin at your dumbasses. And my dick’s still bigger than yours. Mang.
In a tie for 5th place, Gone Baby Gone… Once… and Juno.
In 4th place, The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford.
In 3rd place, Zodiac.
In 2nd place, No Country For Old Men.
And the winner of the Spilled Latte for Best Picture, with 65 points and a 9 point margin of victory… THERE WILL BE BLOOD.
*Paul and the cast swarm the stage, and thank everyone while they all sip Frosted Blueberry Ice Mochachocofrappachinolattes*
Frank Longo: Well, that about does it for this year! There Will Be Blood taking home 4 Spilled Lattes, and everyone else taking home only one. Be sure to tune in next year, when Quentin Tarantino will be a guest, and we’ll spend ten times as much money on security! Good night everyone!
*curtains close, credits run*
**** ORIGINAL POST ****
Here are the nominees (a.k.a. the Top 5 votegetters) for the First Annual Spilled Latte Awards. Note: some categories may have more than 5 nominees due to a tie in the amount of votes the nominees received. The results will be announced shortly before the Oscars, in order to steal their shine.
No Country For Old Men leads the pack with 7 nominations, including 2 nominations for Best Supporting Actor. There Will Be Blood and The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford each garnered 6 nominations. Casey Affleck pulled off the impressive feat for not only giving two nominated performances, but gathering enough support in TWO different categories to have his performance in The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford nominated twice. Zodiac followed with 5 nominations, Gone Baby Gone, Michael Clayton, and Juno have 3 apiece, and Sweeney Todd, Once, and The Savages each nabbed a pair.
BEST PICTURE:
The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
Gone Baby Gone
Juno
Once
No Country For Old Men
There Will Be Blood
Zodiac
BEST DIRECTOR:
Paul Thomas Anderson, There Will Be Blood
Tim Burton, Sweeney Todd
Joel and Ethan Coen, No Country For Old Men
Andrew Dominik, The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
David Fincher, Zodiac
BEST ACTOR:
Casey Affleck, The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
Casey Affleck, Gone Baby Gone
George Clooney, Michael Clayton
Daniel Day-Lewis, There Will Be Blood
Emile Hirsch, Into the Wild
Viggo Mortensen, Eastern Promises
BEST ACTRESS:
Helena Bonham Carter, Sweeney Todd
Katherine Heigl, Knocked Up
Laura Linney, The Savages
Ellen Page, Juno
Wei Tang, Lust, Caution
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR:
Casey Affleck, The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
Javier Bardem, No Country For Old Men
Paul Dano, There Will Be Blood
Robert Downey Jr., Zodiac
Tommy Lee Jones, No Country For Old Men
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS:
Cate Blanchett, I'm Not There
Kelly MacDonald, No Country For Old Men
Amy Ryan, Gone Baby Gone
Tilda Swinton, Michael Clayton
Marisa Tomei, Before the Devil Knows You're Dead
BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY:
Paul Thomas Anderson, There Will Be Blood
Joel and Ethan Coen, No Country For Old Men
Andrew Dominik, The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
Ronald Harwood, The Diving Bell and the Butterfly
James Vanderbilt, Zodiac
BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY:
Judd Apatow, Knocked Up
John Carney, Once
Diablo Cody, Juno
Tony Gilroy, Michael Clayton
Tamara Jenkins, The Savages
BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY:
Roger Deakins, The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
Roger Deakins, No Country For Old Men
Robert Elswitt, There Will Be Blood
Seamus McGarvey, Atonement
Harris Savides, Zodiac
My movies: http://russellhainline.com
My movie reviews: https://letterboxd.com/RussellHFilm/
My beer TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@thebeertravelguide
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