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Lobby Freestyle Board Freestyle Board Archives topic #18786

Subject: "terrain" Previous topic | Next topic
invisible ink
Member since Apr 07th 2003
1083 posts
Mon Nov-07-05 03:07 PM

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"terrain"


  

          

i love you
but i cant sit still enough to please u.

where your angles push into my circles
i see ur depth
but i can't reach u.

how i love u
can only be defined in dictionary terms...
love;1.the sound of ur heart two steps away from orgasim.
2.the smell of ur breath after tasting me way down there.
3.Coltrane's "Sentimental Mood" 4. a movement not rested in this universe.


u informed that i had been outside
so long that the color of my woman walls had
ripened
past
the ripest open seed
of a peach.
... i had become too sweet to touch
too woman to stand by your side.


and all of that just made me diagnol to your parrallels.
how can you love with conditions wrapped up in fears?

the cracks in your SIDE walks
are much more interesting than your actual square
there's surface
and ground
where you usta hold me together.

and i am standing now
in the middle
of our understated contraption.

and wonder...

will ur rain bathe me once again?

or

beat it's beads against my soul.



kimabe2005

if you didn't define yourself for yourself you'd be crunched into other peoples fantasies of you an eaten alive.

audre lorde

  

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Topic Outline
Subject Author Message Date ID
the ending
Nov 07th 2005
1
RE: terrain
Nov 07th 2005
2
Hmmm
Nov 07th 2005
3
RE: Hmmm
Nov 08th 2005
4
u're amazing grace
Nov 08th 2005
5
truly
Nov 09th 2005
6
RE: truly
Nov 14th 2005
7
RE: terrain
Nov 14th 2005
8
RE: terrain
Nov 14th 2005
9
      RE: terrain
Dec 02nd 2005
16
RE: terrain - scorpion's kiss...
Nov 18th 2005
10
RE: terrain - scorpion's kiss...
Nov 22nd 2005
12
RE: terrain
Nov 18th 2005
11
RE: terrain
Nov 22nd 2005
13
RE: terrain
Nov 22nd 2005
14
RE: terrain
Dec 01st 2005
15

rgv
Charter member
4556 posts
Mon Nov-07-05 06:21 PM

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1. "the ending"
In response to Reply # 0


          

wasnt as strong as sum of ur others
im wondering if sum of the absolutely not colloquial
misspellings are on purpose

i just want chu to know
how i feel
how i feel

  

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PhotoSynthesis
Charter member
16101 posts
Mon Nov-07-05 07:31 PM

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2. "RE: terrain"
In response to Reply # 0
Mon Nov-07-05 07:32 PM by PhotoSynthesis

          

You ever take a bite of summmthin' that was just so good -- It makes ya wannna hit ya moma? -- (And you *KNOW* betta than to hit yo moma -- But it tastes so good that you'd 4~get, if you didn't check ya'self!) -- *chuckles*

~OR~

You ever read summthin' so tight, your face just gets twisted and screwed -- Like GOTTTTDAMNNNNN!?!?!? --


Aaiight! -- Well I'm over here readin' this tasty shyt -- Wit a twisted face -- Wantin' to hit somebody -- -- And all I can say is: "GOTTTTDAMNNNNNN"!!!



I could say I'm thru with U -- But I'd be lying -- Cuz that ain't true! --



*Nice Work Ms. Lady*




A guitar string vibrating, a measure of my soul, a breech in the silence --
I've always felt like words come through me & I write them down... they have no master --- gsquared ♥

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/2/photosynthesis_music.htm

  

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Winter Blaze
Charter member
1514 posts
Mon Nov-07-05 07:53 PM

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3. "Hmmm"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

This piece was good and I wonder were your misspellings were done for a reason. It built up momentum, but for some reason the ending didnt' really resonate with me. Still it was nice piece of work..

KImberly

If fucking were graceful, I'd be your dancer


I have boarded the train to nowhere waking up to find myself somewhere

  

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invisible ink
Member since Apr 07th 2003
1083 posts
Tue Nov-08-05 11:39 AM

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4. "RE: Hmmm"
In response to Reply # 3


  

          

ending this piece was tough...maybe because this was really personal, and I'm not one that likes things to end, i'd rather work it through...but in this situation, i couldn't so maybe that's what shows in the work...but you and rgv are tough too!(laughing) which is what i love about the two of you...you make me work for my art...

the mispellings come out like that in my head sometimes...so i guess yes they are on purpose, because that's how my mind was working at the time...
thank you all for checking in and allowing me to grow...love k

if you didn't define yourself for yourself you'd be crunched into other peoples fantasies of you an eaten alive.

audre lorde

  

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mindful
Charter member
41306 posts
Tue Nov-08-05 12:31 PM

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5. "u're amazing grace"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

u informed that i had been outside
so long that the color of my woman walls had
ripened
past
the ripest open seed
of a peach.
... i had become too sweet to touch
too woman to stand by your side.


and all of that just made me diagnol to your parrallels.
how can you love with conditions wrapped up in fears?


truly you are. these lines above made me appreciate and remember a past....

  

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BadNewsBrown
Member since Dec 30th 2002
611 posts
Wed Nov-09-05 04:19 AM

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6. "truly"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

truly a visual piece, something I could really close my eyes and listen to

Vinnie
"Irritable Male Syndrome"

  

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invisible ink
Member since Apr 07th 2003
1083 posts
Mon Nov-14-05 11:21 AM

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7. "RE: truly"
In response to Reply # 6


  

          

thnak you for checkin in...miss k

if you didn't define yourself for yourself you'd be crunched into other peoples fantasies of you an eaten alive.

audre lorde

  

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ToeJam
Charter member
2103 posts
Mon Nov-14-05 12:41 PM

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8. "RE: terrain"
In response to Reply # 0


          

I think this would be more powerful if there was some kind of rain metaphor established early on in the poem. That way the end would be a call back to that, instead of seemingly come out of nowhere. But overall I liked this piece.

Especially the part about the breath. Powerful image that expresses a lot.

Peace,

~Toe
*

  

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invisible ink
Member since Apr 07th 2003
1083 posts
Mon Nov-14-05 02:16 PM

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9. "RE: terrain"
In response to Reply # 8


  

          

but see...it wasn't about the rain(laughing)...i think that's where i went off a bit...mixing too many metaphors (shrugs)...imma fix tho'(smile)...miss k

if you didn't define yourself for yourself you'd be crunched into other peoples fantasies of you an eaten alive.

audre lorde

  

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ToeJam
Charter member
2103 posts
Fri Dec-02-05 12:48 PM

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16. "RE: terrain"
In response to Reply # 9


          

>but see...it wasn't about the rain(laughing)...

Since when does drawing a metaphor to something make it the subject of the piece.

Metaphors are good, often times more powerful than literally speaking about something. They just have to be consistent.

  

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MUSE
Charter member
3096 posts
Fri Nov-18-05 08:08 PM

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10. "RE: terrain - scorpion's kiss..."
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

"how i love u
can only be defined in dictionary terms...
love;1.the sound of ur heart two steps away from orgasim.
2.the smell of ur breath after tasting me way down there.
3.Coltrane's "Sentimental Mood" 4. a movement not rested in this universe."

mmph...

your pen is lethal when pressed against fear and resistance to true love...

beautiful drop.

MUSE

...
..
.

Speak and it shall manifest
Breathe and it shall live
Love and it shall triumph
Give and it shall never be
lost... ever... - MarcArthur
St. Juste

"not one voice unheard" -
VOICES NYC (Brooklyn, NY)

HALLELU YAHWEH! AMEN

  

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invisible ink
Member since Apr 07th 2003
1083 posts
Tue Nov-22-05 11:02 AM

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12. "RE: terrain - scorpion's kiss..."
In response to Reply # 10


  

          

bug a boo!...whatchu doing peekin' 'round these parts!(lol)...so good to know...the pen has a lil' sumthin' left in it(smile)...thank for the love...mabe

if you didn't define yourself for yourself you'd be crunched into other peoples fantasies of you an eaten alive.

audre lorde

  

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Amai_1
Member since May 27th 2002
296 posts
Fri Nov-18-05 09:24 PM

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11. "RE: terrain"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

>the cracks in your SIDE walks
>are much more interesting than your actual square

That says so much right there. I loved the entire poem, but when I read that, I was like DAMN. So so true...

We are nothing more than a sum of our experiences, and those experiences cause so many cracks in our squares...
The cracks are so important. We wouldn't evolve spiritually without them.

I love it.

Thank you for sharing.





I wish you ~ Peace ~ Love ~ Happiness

  

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invisible ink
Member since Apr 07th 2003
1083 posts
Tue Nov-22-05 11:04 AM

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13. "RE: terrain"
In response to Reply # 11


  

          

yeah..i love investigating the smaller parts of ones being...that's usually the part that holds the most truth, the most senstivity, and the most honesty about who i'm dealing with...the "square" is just surface if you klnow what i mean...thanks for dropping by...miss k

if you didn't define yourself for yourself you'd be crunched into other peoples fantasies of you an eaten alive.

audre lorde

  

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ArKay01
Member since Oct 29th 2004
754 posts
Tue Nov-22-05 08:18 PM

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14. "RE: terrain"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

can't add to the comments above, but thought I'd drop by to tell you how dope that was. love the life in your pieces - they seem to sway


- En-Vista

  

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invisible ink
Member since Apr 07th 2003
1083 posts
Thu Dec-01-05 12:43 PM

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15. "RE: terrain"
In response to Reply # 14


  

          

muchas gracias...k boogie

if you didn't define yourself for yourself you'd be crunched into other peoples fantasies of you an eaten alive.

audre lorde

  

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