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(yes, i have too much time on my hands)
SETTING:
over lit Pasadena television studio, where HOST and WHITE BLONDE LADY have gathered to tape an infomercial.
CHARACTERS:
HOST, balding man in chef's hat
WHITE BLONDE LADY, white blonde lady
STUDIO AUDIENCE, group of people who will be ultimately disappointed that the show doesn't last 3 hours nor does it include the playing of "Section"
NATALIE PORTMAN, actress
SCENE
*drum roll but with no snare*
WBL: from the maker of "The Peedi Crak Bathroom Furnishings and All-Natural Loofah" and "Chuck D's No Spellcheck Required," comes the hottest new item on the market. from the pretentious rock critics to the pretentious rock fans, everyone is going absolutely wild for this new sensation; presenting, "Learn to Post Like Qoolquest."
*STUDIO AUDIENCE applauds*
*HOST runs out*
HOST: that's right, White Blonde Lady, we're here to offer something incredible, something stupendous, something special for you today.
WBL: groovy.
HOST: we'll show you how to go from 7th-page newbie to "view all" in no time. and remember, today we'll give the people at home some tips, but _all_ the secrets are revealed with a purchase. now this product, are you ready?
*WBL nods*
HOST: this product is selling--hell, we're practically giving it away--for three low payments of $10.99.
WBL: groovy.
HOST: here's what you have to do, grab a pen and start taking notes.
WB: alright.
HOST: let us begin the lesson.
WBL: Kanye is the greatest.
HOST: what?
WBL: sorry, it was instinct, i meant to say "groovy."
HOST: i thought so. anyway, take the following simple sentence for example, "The dog sleeps by the home."
*WBL nods*
HOST: our goal is to make this rather normal sentence into something cryptic and impenetrable, that way you create an aura of cool and conceitedness. we begin with the subject, "the dog." you're going to want to take "the dog" and think of a similarly related noun.
WBL: how about "animal?"
HOST: excellent, but wait, we're not done yet. now take that new noun and think of a similarly related popular culture item.
WBL: hmmm . . .animal . . .animal . . .The Animals! how about Eric Burdon?
HOST: very good, White Blonde Lady, we're almost done. now we take "sleep" and throw it away.
WB:: throw it away?
HOST: throw it away. comprehension comes from full disclosure, so we're just gonna throw it away.
STUDIO AUDIENCE: THROW IT AWAY!
HOST: now we face the task of dealing with "the home." what about-
WBL: The Dixie Chicks.
HOST: you are white.
*pause*
HOST cont.: blonde lady, moving on, we will use the same technique as before, find a similarly related word. for "home," we'll try "house" . . .house . . .Little House . . .Little House on the Prairie!
WBL: Laura Ingalls Wilder.
HOST: really white. however, yes, that's a good example. now we have "Eric Burdon Laura Ingalls Wilder," so we're almost there. now i realize this doesn't make much sense, so we have to tweak it for a while.
WBL: ah, the Malik B technique.
HOST: yes. now, i'll add a couple words to make it appear to have some determinable meaning, "like Eric Burdon on Laura Ingalls Wilder." one final step, we have to add a word or two, a catch phrase per se, that has some sort of relevance with the OkayArtist crowd, to whom this post will eventually end up in front of. any suggestions?
WBL: sellout.
HOST: hmm . . .
WBL: on the tip.
HOST: hmmm . . .yes. let's go with that.
WBL: groovy.
HOST: no, lady, we already have what we need, "on the tip." we'll try it out:
qoolquest 4805 posts Feb-08-04, 11:48 PM (EST)
Charter Member
so i'm in L.A. with them "like Eric Burdon on the Laura Ingalls Wilder tip."
WBL: wow.
HOST: yeah, there you have it.
WBL: i didn't know D'Angelo and Dilla were doing a project together.
HOST: yeah, like Eric Burdon on the Laura Ingalls Wilder tip.
*HOST and WHITE BLONDE LADY laugh*
WBL: now like all good products, we need some sort of celebrity testimonial, something to impress Middle America, something to get the mainstream.
HOST: i think they called it "Break You Off."
WBL: no silly, something to really get the "Beckies" and the "Chads," . . . "the white people."
HOST: i think they call him "John Mayer."
WBL: well, today we have famed-actress Natalie Portman with us.
*Natalie Portman walks out*
WBL: Natalie, please tell us about your success with the "Learn to Post Like Qoolquest" program.
*Natalie Portman giggles*
WBL: what?
*Natalie Portman giggles*
WBL: Ms. Portman, tell us how this informational packet changed your life.
*Natalie Portman cuts own hair*
WBL: excuse me?
NP: You're not all-powerful, Ani.
WBL: well, you certainly have been helpful today, Natalie. thank you for stopping buy, now go run off and ruin a franchise.
*Natalie Portman exits*
WBL: there you have it, that about wraps up the program. any final words, Host?
HOST: like Jim Morrison on the backside of a hidden track.
WBL: what?
HOST: The End.
*studio audience applauds*
*infomercial goes on to receive praise from critics and has success on MTV2*
*infomercial is used as a public appearance pawn for other artists to get at the alternative crowd*
*infomercial doesn't get played on BET*
*White Blonde Lady syndicates infomercial and all's well that ends in platinum*
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