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An Okayplayer Christmas
An Okayplay by Mosaic and Dove
Backdrops courtesy of Dave & Busters
CAST:
The Little Drummer Boy: ?uestlove
Wise Man #1: Black Thought
Wise Man #2: Common
Wise Man #3: Talib Kweli
Evil King Kamal: Kamal
Evil King’s Soldier #1: Scratch
Evil King’s Soldier #2: Rahzel
The Maldogs: King Kamal’s pitbulls
Hub: Hub
Star of Bethlehem: the JazzyFatNastees
Virgin Mary: Jaguar
Special Guest Stars:
Big Daddy Kane as Joseph
And Ol’ Dirty Bastard as Big Baby Jesus
LIGHTS UP
West of Bethlehem--
Little Drummer ?: Damn…it’s gonna be a party over at the manger…at least that’s what the flyer said.
(reads flyer) “For a Yoda cat was born unto us, this day…bring white elephant gift.” Damn.
(checks pockets) Lint. Damn. And it’s a long ass walk, too. And Walkmans haven’t been invented yet. Argh. (light bulb appears) I’ll just take along my drum and some sticks—mash out some beats on the way—and pick up something on the way.
* starts heading out *
Oh, damn! Forgot something. (grabs Grover plush doll)
Cut to: desert east of Bethlehem—
Wiseman BT: You sure this is the way?
Wiseman Com: I’m as sure as this mule-skin wifebeater is itchy.
Wiseman Kweli: Yo, what did y’all get the Kid anyway?
Wiseman BT: Check this out—(pulls out green bottles)—HeineDogs for er’ybody! Celllll-uh-braaaayte, good times! Come on! * does the Black Thought Dance *
Wiseman Com: That’s cool and all—but I got something for the ‘afterparty,’ if you know what I mean…(pulls out a blue box) See? I heard that God had to give Mary a squirt ‘cause Joseph wasn’t hurtin’ nothin’—that’s where the Nag Champa comes in…a natural afrodesiac, nah’mean?
Wiseman Kweli: You wanna talk about aphrodesiac, right? Feast your eyes on this—(pulls out magazine)—Black Tail! I was gonna cop some books on doing the knowledge @ Nkiru Books and Circumcision Hut, but I figure the cat’s a little too young for that…so, I’m gonna have him up on the biological angles. But, Joseph can borrow it to help his limp biscuit, too…(unveils the centerfold)
Wiseman BT: Yo, are those bullet wounds?
Wiseman Com: It’s starting to get dark out here…
Wiseman Kweli: Ayo, THAT’s it! That’s the sign!
Wiseman BT: The stretch marks?
Wiseman Kweli: Nah! That! (points to the sky)
Star of Bethlehem Jazzies: (insert wonderously enchanting singing and stuff here)
Wiseman Com: Aw shit! That’s cold as hell… * does the Humpty Hump *
Wiseman BT: Alright doritoheads, we gotta keep moving…
***************************************************
*Cut to: the streets of Bethlehem—
Evil Guard Rahzel: Uhm…your Kingship, don’t you think we’ve searched around long enough? I mean, the Maldogs seem pretty full after eating all those male newborns—they’re so tired they don’t even wanna sniff each other’s asses—
Evil King Kamal: Silence! I won’t stop my thugging ‘til I’ve OVERfed the Maldogs—I’m trying to be the next Porkchop—can’t nobody fuck with the Maldogs!
Evil Guard Scratch: “c-c-c-can’t nobody fuck with Mal-izzy-izzy-aldogs!”
******************************************************
*Cut to: just outside of Bethlehem
Little Drummer ?: (noticing the song of the Star of Bethlehem Jazzies) ahh, yeah—that’s what I’m talking about. Eff a Sony! (drums harder)
******************************************************
*Cut to: the Manger
Virgin Jaguar: Yo, I just gave birth to a child and shit—and it’s all cold in here!. Warm it up or something! Get me some Jack—
Big Daddy Joseph Kane: I get it—you need another helpin’ hand to swing on…I’m just gonna make a little campfire over here…
Big Baby Jesus: The fuck are all these animallllllls runnin’ up in my criiibbbbb, my nuhs?!
Virgin Jag: Awww, he takes after me…
BD Joseph Kane: You here that?
Star of Bethlehem Jazzies: (singing) siiiii-len night. Hoooooly night. Aaallll is cal—
Big Baby Jesus: Yo, yo, yo—shut that shit up! I’m here now! SHIMMY SHIMMY YAH! SHIMMY YEAH SHIMMY YAY! GIMME YOUR SINS, SO I CAN TAKE ‘EM AWAY!—
BD Joseph Kane & Virgin Jag (in unison): Isn’t that cuuuuuute???? *looking at their son adoringly*
Star of Bethlehem Jazzies: (shrug) eh? (start to harmonize a Shimmy Shimmy Ya/Eden Zoo medley)
Little Drummer ?: (from just outside the manger) This must be the place—oh snap! A jam session! (insert beginning drums of Clones)
Wiseman BT: Damn, we got here just in time!
(Wisemen BT, Com, and Talib join in--)
Hub: (walks up to the manger) …
Everyone: HUB!!!
Hub: (nods)
(they proceed and continue…)
Big Baby Jesus: I wanna give a fuckin shout to Moses and Abraham…they’re the TRUE patriarchs of this shit! Keepin It REAL!
(outta the blue)
Evil Guard Rahzel: HALT!
Evil Guard Scratch: “H-izza-hizzy-ah-eh-ah-alt!”
(everything stops—fear fills the air)
(…) staggering silence
Little Drummer ?: (calmly) when I’m faced with these kinda moments, I think to myself ‘What Would ?uestlove Do?’
everyone: (ponders thoughtfully)
(suddenly)
Big Baby Jesus: (jumping up) FUCK ALL Y’ALL! I’m here to save all your bitch-asses! Big Baby Jesus is for the children! Y’all can’t stop the God, Hay-zoos! I NEVER BEEN TOOKEN OUT! I KEEP SINNERS LOOKIN OUT!—
(the Session, Pt 2 begins anew…)
Evil Guards Rahzel and Scratch look at each other.
Evil Guard Rahzel: (joining in) BRWOINRRRNNW!
Evil Guard Scratch: “l-live and die-eh-ie-rect!…from Ill-eh-ill-eh-IllaBeth!”—eff a Kamal—brutha owes me $5!
Little Drummer ?: * sniff * (a single tear rolls down his cheek) That’s beautiful….anyone wanna grab a Big Mac?
THE END!!!
peace--|mosaic|aim:treisdeuce
meyendstate balloon: it might go pop, but it won't blow up.
if you're thuggin and you know it, clap yo hands--yukmouth
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