My nana is singing softly in her bedroom....

I really should put this sidekick down and find my old voice recorder from school.

This *needs* to be recorded....

Just like the convo me and pops had when he was helping me pack for school. I still play it from time to time, when I really miss him....

Nana's slipping from us, y'all. As of late, she's in a stage of child like dementia, for the most part she's cool -but sometimes I catch her peeking at me as if she's seeing me for the first time. She calls me "my baby's baby"...

I am secure enough in my insecurity to say that I don't know how to approach her sometimes. I really have to fight the urge to not even try to relate. She won't be here forever, and if she goes to her grave without me trying to reach out on a consistant basis, I'll feel like a heel for real.

This is so hard. When I try to reach, she withdraws like a child avoiding a stranger. I constantly tell myself "this isn't her fault", but it still makes it a daunting task.

Found the recorder, but I don't have batteries. And she is still singing...

I'll buy some tomorrow, and pray that the song stays in her heart for at least another day.

if yours is still around, tell grandma you love her




~!~

"Holy Smurf!!! Hefty's been smurfing steroids!!!"

at the end of the day, though...

she's the best.

~You only know what you see. You don't understand what it takes to be me~

~Don't let other people's expectations of you determine your choices~

I think I'll bake something for my nana tomorrow...


~!~

"Holy Smurf!!! Hefty's been smurfing steroids!!!"

at the end of the day, though...

we are like girlfriends =)

~You only know what you see. You don't understand what it takes to be me~

~Don't let other people's expectations of you determine your choices~

Sorta like me and my mom. Now before my dad died, I was a daddy's girl of epic perportions, it was all about Dave. After he passed, it took some years for me to really get to know and relate to my mom, but our bond now is one step beyond unbreakable.

That's my heart. And that's the main reason why I'm striving to get close to nana, because that's "my mom's mother".


~!~

"Holy Smurf!!! Hefty's been smurfing steroids!!!"

at the end of the day, though...

[]

--------------------------------------

http://www.yvonneridley.org/multimedia.php
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
250 troops lead by Custer were defeated by the Dakota, they are Sioux Indians.

well, the one i really loved a lot anyway.

the one who helped raise me and everything.

i miss her like crazy.

i know what you mean tho, cause my grandmother's mind was a bit off her last few years too...but she loved me to death and i loved her to death too.

shit...why you got me reminicing over here raina? bout to make me shed a tear, and i can't cry twice in a week.

i'm back...?

I don't do it often enough.


~!~

"Holy Smurf!!! Hefty's been smurfing steroids!!!"

at the end of the day, though...

we're not supposed to cry unless it's something big.

i'm back...?

And even if that were true, she *IS* a big enough reason


~!~

"Holy Smurf!!! Hefty's been smurfing steroids!!!"

at the end of the day, though...

i'm not gonna shed a tear tho. i cried enough when she passed. instead i'ma just smile cause she was so great.

i'm back...?

~!~

"Holy Smurf!!! Hefty's been smurfing steroids!!!"

at the end of the day, though...

this was sad, but also made me smile at the same time....I talk to my grandma at least once a week & am fortunate to have a good relationship with her, I really appreciate her...you should try & approach her, even if its hard you'll be happy you did it after you do...

§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§

"Don't mistake man for mind, 'cause I'm not simple-minded
Just logical, efficient and completely on time
With my thoughts in the process always bring progress"

When I was really little, we were like peas and carrots, but the closeness wasn't the same after I got to be a certain age. After awhile, I became "lovingly indifferent". I have work ahead of me....


~!~

"Holy Smurf!!! Hefty's been smurfing steroids!!!"

at the end of the day, though...

The last time I saw mine was 10yrs ago...hold them close yall...

And we can lay a track under Nana's singing and make a hit, yamean? Like one of those Wajeed joints...record the paper boy getting jacked up later on today...word.

...Welcome to

"When you radiate, people gravitate..."---

"Mowing the lawn is BLOWING MY MIND!...I NEED TO MOW!"

"We love hoes, but we sho hate women..."

_________________________
Man up

“Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist”---George Carlin

"Ooohh oooohh OooH!!!!!!" -Sam Kenniston.

I feel you on the idea though, Prov. I was supposed to have been making tracks LONG ago. And Dave's convo would be perfect to open a hip hop album

"...I know it's a major part of your life Raina, but promise dad that you'll leave that hip hop shit here....don't take your CD collection to school, m'kay?"

*silence...then laughter*

~!~

"Holy Smurf!!! Hefty's been smurfing steroids!!!"

at the end of the day, though...

But on the real, just keep reaching out to her...one day she'll take a hold.

...Welcome to

"When you radiate, people gravitate..."---

"Mowing the lawn is BLOWING MY MIND!...I NEED TO MOW!"

"We love hoes, but we sho hate women..."

_________________________
Man up

“Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist”---George Carlin

is what happens when you drink without food consumption.

watch her you.

she gives hugs

and lastly

paul depotesta


go'head, read my

twitter.com/rawla
myspace.com/rawla

http://djrawla.wordpress.com
WEEKLY BREW SERIES VOL.7 IS UP!

~!~

"Holy Smurf!!! Hefty's been smurfing steroids!!!"

at the end of the day, though...

*pretends to know what surly means*


~

*muah*

so whats good wit chu tonight?




is what happens when you drink without food consumption.

watch her you.

she gives hugs

and lastly

paul depotesta


go'head, read my

twitter.com/rawla
myspace.com/rawla

http://djrawla.wordpress.com
WEEKLY BREW SERIES VOL.7 IS UP!

Just a nicer way to be 'an asshole'.

Going to sleep soon. Only got two hours last night, shocked I'm still functioning.

~ <- I am no good with this symbol, haha....


*edit* I got it!!!!!!!

I'll start the @( o o )@ Moovement!

The above symbol denotes the desire to make cybermonkeylove

What do you think?

~!~

"Holy Smurf!!! Hefty's been smurfing steroids!!!"

at the end of the day, though...

and check your inbox...





goodnight



is what happens when you drink without food consumption.

watch her you.

she gives hugs

and lastly

paul depotesta


go'head, read my

twitter.com/rawla
myspace.com/rawla

http://djrawla.wordpress.com
WEEKLY BREW SERIES VOL.7 IS UP!

to cancer.
She was always there for me and now i feel a huge hole.
When i was 13 i remember crying myself to sleep because i wouldn't have the ones that i love forever. Now i cry myself to sleep because i don't.

I dreamt about my grandmother 3 days ago and she was so beautiful, i remember touching her face in my dream and telling her she was beautiful. When she died, she was so skinny and drawn because of the cancer. I was there when she passed, i did her hair and make-up for her funeral. It's still unreal to me. I don't know if i'll ever get over her death.

Even though i can't remember the words from my dream, i remember her face.

I miss her every day.

¸..· ´¨¨)) -:¦:-
¸.·´ .·´¨¨))
((¸¸.·´ ..·´ -:¦:- Marla -:¦:-
-:¦:- ((¸¸.·´*

"Perhaps the supreme irony of black American existence is how broadly black people debate the question of cultural identity among themselves while getting branded as a cultural monolith by those who would deny us the complexity and complexion of a community, let alone a nation." ~Greg Tate


or

________________________________________
Keep Penis Clean Or Find Genital Spots

Just the way you described her gave me a glimpse of her importance to you. You already know to use the memories you guys shared to fill those voids.


*hugs*


~!~

"Holy Smurf!!! Hefty's been smurfing steroids!!!"

at the end of the day, though...

Things like this make people you don't know seem REAL in an instant. Good luck with your nana. I lost my mom's mother when I was in high school, and I wish I had spent more time with her towards the end.

My dad's mother is still around, and probably will be forever (her mother lived to be 104 or something like that), and she's still sharp as a tack, but she wasn't the warm grandmother, she was the hard grandmother. She's pretty cool, though... she is probably one of the funniest people around.

http://www.myspace.com/tommywhy

Part of the guilt in not being able to relate lies in the fact that nana is one of the sweetest, most humble and beautiful women on the face of this earth. Not even saying this because we are blood either. She has touched so many other people (kinda explains her absence in my early teen years), I've never heard anyone speak badly of her at all.

I just need to find a way past these walls that her mental state is putting up.

~!~

"Holy Smurf!!! Hefty's been smurfing steroids!!!"

at the end of the day, though...

but one of them has been lost for about year... the last time i saw her was about 3 years ago and by then she had started to slip away. she'd always been forgetful and absent-minded but during this visit you started to know (even though a doctor had already diagnosed it) that she was beginning to succumb to the alzheimers. she would get lost on the way to the bathroom over and over... getting up to go, and then forgetting why she got up and just walking from room to room. i saw her again this march... she'd been bedridden for about 6 months by then. when that happened my pops flew back to the island and i feared that the trip i had planned for march would be too late to see her one last time. she held on and even got better after being in a coma for several days. when i saw her she was in her bed in her room and completely oblivious. she would stare blankly at the wall or at the faces around her for the most part, interrupted only by sleep or what seemed to be a reaction to sudden pain, as if she had stubbed her toe or pinched a finger in a drawer. that reaction was sudden and fleeting and she would immediately begin staring out again. but when i sat with her for a couple of hours and she woke up, she saw me, and when my grandfather asked her if she knew who i was, she smiled... cried and said the name of the virgin of monserati's name (the virgin of a church in a nearby city). it was good seeing her again. i don't have any illusions of seeing her again before she passes. the hardest part was saying goodbye to my grandfather...

i'd never seen him even remotely come close to crying before.

____________________________________
speak the wrong words man & u will get touched.
http://tinysong.com/ldpJ

~!~

"Holy Smurf!!! Hefty's been smurfing steroids!!!"

at the end of the day, though...

it brings back good memories. me and my mom are hitting up my other grandmother (her mom) to move w/ them to ft lauderdale. it'd be nice to have one of them closer.

also talked to my dad about trying to get my grandfather (his pops) to come up w/ them (after my grandmother passes), but that bastid swears up and down he's never getting on a plane. we may have to drug him b.a. baracus style.

anyhow... its important to remember days like these. because i didnt really get to see my grandmother as she was descending deeper into her mind, but dad did. and he would relate the things she would talk about. i think he learned a lot about the person she was at different times in her life, since that's one of the things she would do. one moment she would ask about her own mom, another she would thank my mom for bringing "her little boy" back to her, acting as if he was a kid again.

____________________________________
speak the wrong words man & u will get touched.
http://tinysong.com/ldpJ

my grams is 93, and she's more there than here most of the time, but the tranquil moments of lucidity are the best... i love to get her talking about her life; can u imagine 93 years of sights and sounds on this big marble?

lemme end this ramble b4 it starts tho.

up for nana-

-aight,chill-

*****************************************
rosemary's babydaddy
*****************************************

***************************************
rosemary's babydaddy
***************************************

Especially if she is still able to recount stuff from the past...


~!~

@( o o )@

Giving You Hot Monkeyball Posting Since 1999

at the end of the day, though...

a few years back she came up and visited us. we had devotion daily and I taped her singing hymns and praying. she passed a couple of months afterwards. I made copies for other family members, but part of me is kinda scared to mess with that tape anymore.

________________________________________________________________

You cannot conquer what you will not confront.
_________________________
being a company man never pays off.
you can love the company, the company will never love you. © okp illegal

I didn't listen to it for the longest time...but the gems on that tape made me so glad that I did.

Devotion as in reading scriptures and singing? Man, that sounds dope... I'd give it a listen.

~!~

@( o o )@

Giving You Hot Monkeyball Posting Since 1999

at the end of the day, though...

from what my pops told me, she knew she was going to go soon and her main reason for coming up was to tell him to keep the family together when she goes. He was crying and shit. I mean really sobbing and shit. I never saw him like that. It kinda put me off-center.

________________________________________________________________

You cannot conquer what you will not confront.
_________________________
being a company man never pays off.
you can love the company, the company will never love you. © okp illegal

Especially when they know their time is near.
It's good that your family did, tho.

It's kinda hard. My mom was an only child, and nana is the youngest of 5-most of her sisters are already gone, and their children are spread between New York, Florida, and Mississippi.

My mother does the best she can, but I know it's affecting her deeply.

~!~

@( o o )@

Giving You Hot Monkeyball Posting Since 1999

at the end of the day, though...

she gave me so much to love & wisdom to build upon...u should appreciate her...

wouldnt expected this from u..

..

Much more than we put up on these boards.


~!~

@( o o )@

Giving You Hot Monkeyball Posting Since 1999

at the end of the day, though...

I'm not sure if she was cognizant or not because we always had the exact same conversation since I went to college...and that was 8 years ago now. She passed this past May. When I went to see her this past October I think it was it really was like talking to a child. No way to see someone who raised you essentially.

but there is nothing wrong with being odd. i mean you arent inkast or adwhizz odd. - VABestBBW
Binlahab is a bitch.
I wouldn't trust okp, some of them don't even get any anymore since the Re's stopped - Anonymous OKP

my fathers mother (who i was named after) passed away when i was 4 and i was the one who found her deceased taking her last breaths and the memory of me walking past her body with a white sheet over it will forever be haunted in my mind...

my mothers mother still lives in egypt but visits us every year for a few months and although she doesnt have a child like dimentia she has alzhimers so bad...she never knows any of our names and calls us other names and within a 5 minute conversation she will repeat the same thing 4 times...you memorize her storeis with in 15 minutes...the haredest part is that she knows she has alzhimers and she knows her memory is going...she always says to forigve her because her mind is gone...she left back home a few months ago...my mom said that would be the last time we see her she wont come to visit again and we cant afford to go to egypt...my dad gets to go at the end of the month for the first time since we left home i wish i could go i just want to hug my grandma...im scared of losing her...i never got to meet my grandfathers and she is all the family ancestory i have had to grasp onto...everyone else died beofre my birth


~*Egyptian Queen*~

http://profile.myspace.com/users/228651

~*Egyptian Queen*~

http://www.myspace.com/scra99y

scra99y@gmail.com

get those batteries mcnulty

something like that will be real nice to have

*********************
www.dumhi.com

I was about 17 or 18 when my grandmother died. To me she was just a strange, crazy old lady. But in retrospect, she was a fountain of wisdom. I'm 23 now and I remember her always saying: "I'll be looooong gone and dead in my grave, but you gon REMEMBA ME little boy."

She would always tell the same stories but they always had a moral. I really, REALLY wish I had taken the time to sit down and LISTEN and LEARN.

"You are a fucking asshole and I don't like you"-My wife
https://instagram.com/jetpack_jungle/

~!~

@( o o )@

Giving You Hot Monkeyball Posting Since 1999

at the end of the day, though...

& everyday i go over there to share a moment w/ her

bakari7's poetry corner...

my show of reality was silent
i voted loudmouths off of stony island
even with loose chads hanging from my ballot
in '87 rakim was my dj
& we banged eardrums with mallots
the way of words to steer lost souls
who couldn't get a hold of
themselves form calluses
they couldn't get a grip
so they pack their emotional
baggage & ego trip
through schitzophrenic weather,
i stare at broken hearts
through the eye of a storm,
broken fathers
who wish an elected democrat
can fix their broken wallets
where murphy's law becomes a
constant superstition
& those who been through hell become the most religious

6.2.04

bakari7's poetry corner...

you killed me once
& during my resurrection
i vowed
never to let you kill me
again,
as i hand you the cross
bow with a bull's eye
hanging
over the left side of my chest

12.10.04

~!~

@( o o )@

Giving You Hot Monkeyball Posting Since 1999

at the end of the day, though...

I just spent 2 weeks with my Grandmother in tennessee...and its hard to see her slipping away...she's almost 90.

She still has her spunk though, she kept saying that I need to buy more bras because my bras dont "lift and separate" hahahaha

She stands no taller than 4-11, full blooded Cherokee Indian...makes biscuits and gravy on Sunday mornings...writes a letter to me every week...takes the "Senior Van" out to pay bills

She cant walk like she used to, and she said she wants to have her knee replaced in October, which means I'll probably fly down to help her until she's able to walk again...

but I miss her, and wish I lived closer because now she is all alone..

I write and stuff. http://www.crystalsenterbrown.com

Nana moved in with us a little over a year ago. I know this is for a reason, I'm just being tested on my willingness to open up...

Trying

~!~

@( o o )@

Giving You Hot Monkeyball Posting Since 1999

at the end of the day, though...

luckily, i got some of my grandma on vhs.
i hope it's still good.

someone needs to do some dvd authoring.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"and in other news...Dinco D dissed Jarobi for no good reason ..more details when they become available" -My_SP1200_Broken_Again







dnegative at gmail.

yaself later on in life saying or doing things u remember her doing.. thanks raina I just made my heart smile thinking of my soul mother


PEACE!!!!



"dude you havent clowned me once I barely notice you. Injyl does a MUCH better job. You are a joke to me ! "Anus In response to PI


PLANETASIA™ Injyl, Deluge, Phat Bastard, Malang.DawgEatah...mi luv u long time


Durty Gambino: cause you stupid, that shit wasn't even funny for real
Durty Gambino: i dunno whats wrong with your simple ass

"HELL YEA IM SCREAMIN. DO U KNOW HOW HARD IM TYPING NOW?" ~ chibueze LOL!!!!!

Delugional: I EAT MCS FOR IFTAR

-i'm sorry but thou shalt not fux with this nephrew
just cause the nephrew look gooder den a mug don't mean u should give in to the lustful temptations - >:O

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

http://c1.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images02/50/l_c7ac935e3dab46a9bf8ac47a4e67c8d0.jpg

~!~

@( o o )@

Giving You Hot Monkeyball Posting Since 1999

at the end of the day, though...

is in the late stages of Alzheimers.

she forgets who i am and is always asking me where my kids are or calls & treats me like i'm her younger sister, Ruth.

it was really hard for me to deal with her at first... hell, it still is sometimes. when you know someone to generally be so strong and alert and pulled toegther, to see them in that state can be really alarming. it's hard to not feel uncomfortable or know what to say & do.

i'm at a point now where i make myself spend time with her because soon, all i'll have is the memories that we've shared. i cooked with her & got recipes from what we made (biscuits & ho-cakes from scratch) and learned to quilt from her before she got too far gone to remember herself. just so i'll always have a part of her with me, you know?

i really like your idea of tape recording her singing.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
.:Kristy:.

.:Southern Belle::Magnolia Smell:.

- i'm a hustler, baby.

"Spread love - it's the Brooklyn way." ~ Biggie

k.

so much awesome in one place.

~!~

@( o o )@

Giving You Hot Monkeyball Posting Since 1999

at the end of the day, though...

I always procrastinate calling her, because I'm never sure if she remembers it anyway, but today seemed like a good day.

~!~

@( o o )@

Giving You Hot Monkeyball Posting Since 1999

at the end of the day, though...

~!~

@( o o )@

Giving You Hot Monkeyball Posting Since 1999

at the end of the day, though...

was the day that Luvenia Madison Pears, my Mama's Mama, passed away.

Hers was the first funeral I'd ever attended--I was 25 years old. She passed away at the age of 80 following triple bypass surgery. The doctors told her she shouldn't have the surgery because she probably wouldn't make it through it, but she elected to have it anyway, and died. She never liked doctors anyway. She was the most gentle, peaceful soul and to know her was to love her. I never heard anyone have anything bad to say about her, and she never had a cross word to say to anybody. It really killed me to see her in such pain in the hospital, and I would've done anything to put that pain on myself.

I remember developing pain my chest on the Tuesday before she died. It felt like a vice was squeezing around my heart, and I breathed rather shallowly that whole week. Despite the urging of my family, I knew what it was and I refused to go to the hospital for myself. Then suddenly, on Saturday the 9th as I was leaving the grocery store, the pain ceased. I got home and had a message from my sister telling me Granny had died. I later found out from my mother that the time my own chest stopped hurting was the exact time of Granny's death.

After giving birth to fifteen people, burying three of them, being widowed and divorced, living through Jim Crow Alabama and cleaning up after white folks for a living, running a farm, seeing the other nine boys and three girls to adulthood, and touching the lives of each one of her 52 grandchildren, that woman was tired. Add three strokes and a heart attack to the mix, and you have a woman who was ready to rest.

Not a day goes by that I don't think of her, and I thank God for blessing us with the time we did have with her. I miss her terribly, but I'm so glad that I listened and learned while she was here. After her first stroke, she would attempt to perform routine household tasks with her diminished memory. She ruined a favorite sweater of mine when she put bleach on colors, and I remember being a very angry 19 year old. Now, I just wish she were here to mess up my clothes one more time.

Get your rest, Miss Luvenia. Thank you for the lessons you've taught me, and the gifts you've given me. We're gonna have a grand ole time next time I see you.

______________________________________

amazin they ungrateful after all The Game I gave away

http://i30.tinypic.com/e9x4xi.jpg

I experienced the exact same thing when my father passed, and I was about 100 miles away @ college.

He passed of a heart attack too, and I had my episode right around the same time.

Didn't know what was going on, even threw up off of it. A couple of hours later, my mom called and said he had a heart attack. She didn't know how to tell me he died. I asked her directly, "mom, is he dead?" and she replied "he's unconscious right now baby, but I have a feeling he'll be just fine"

I heard the half truth in her voice, but couldn't fault her. Something in the back of my mind was telling me he was already gone....

His mom passed exactly 7 days after he did. If you check the archives under teapoetess's "writers, place your prose here" there was a short story I wrote about her passing as well. As my mom's mom has slight dementia now, my dad's mom had all out alzheimer's. And her passing was very emotional for a number of reasons (go read it)...



~!~

This Ain't Postin', This Is Nerd Hop

@( o o )@

Giving You Hot Monkeyball Posting Since 1999

at the end of the day, though...

Nowadays silence is looked on as odd and most of my race has forgotten the beauty of meaning much by saying little."

-- From Toni Morrison's new book, "Love"

--------------------------
in the West, when you see a chick who is prostituting you start thinking of all the things she could have done rather than hookin': UPS is hiring, McDonalds is hiring, they're hiring at the mall. you think she's either fucked in the head, cracked out, a freak or addicted to "easy" money

in most parts of Africa, ain't NOWHERE hiring. i mean people with degrees go for years without being able to get a job at some fast food joint. everybody's just hustling with whatever they have to make something out of nothing
-afkap

America has imported more warlord theocracy from Afghanistan than it has exported democracy.

.

i'm going to keep this short and just say that i understand how you're feeling. treat the matter with urgency.

-k-
q.e.p.d.

una y otra vez

~!~

This Ain't Postin', This Is Nerd Hop

@( o o )@

Giving You Hot Monkeyball Posting Since 1999

at the end of the day, though...

[]

________________________________________
Keep Penis Clean Or Find Genital Spots

Peace.

let's play ping pong ■

this post was most sweet- perhaps a little bittersweet- either way, your post is touching

it reminds me of another taped grandmother.

my dad's mother died in 1984. i was ten yrs old at the time and was there for her actual death (from cancer- but that's just an aside). truthfully, i was never as close to her as i have been to my mum's mum (not that she was anything but loveliness, just that she was a lot older and frailler, i guess). in fact, i mostly remember her for the Fantale chocolates and Arrowroot biscuits that she'd always have on hand to offer.

my aunt pam looked after her mother all her spinster life and one day, around two years later, when she had come to our house for lunch, i came up with quite the thoughtful surprise. whilst going through a box of various forgotten trash and treasure, i'd come across a 'letter-tape' my grandmother had sent to mum'n dad at some stage (obviously some years back).

i somehow thought that it would be a good idea to play this tape to a completely unaware audience of aunt pam and mum and dad. when grandma's disembodied voice started speaking from the past-or less melodramatically, from the kitchen radio/cassette player- much to my surprise (i was a special child), my aunt was shocked, to say the least, and my mother hissed at me furiously to switch it off.

so much for being impulsively generous, i thought bitterly at the time-

but it's all a little cringe-worthy now..


shock

my grandfather died this morning.

go hug somebody, yeah?

-k-
q.e.p.d.

una y otra vez

My sincere condolences to your family.

Damn hyde, just YESTERDAY you said to treat the matter with the utmost urgency, and now I am reminded of why....

If you need me, you know where I am.


~!~

This Ain't Postin', This Is Nerd Hop

@( o o )@

Giving You Hot Monkeyball Posting Since 1999

at the end of the day, though...