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Subject: "Would you leave your wife if she will never have a child by choice?" This topic is locked.
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sixteenstone
Member since Sep 22nd 2002
27996 posts
Thu Oct-24-13 07:36 PM

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"Poll question: Would you leave your wife if she will never have a child by choice?"


  

          

If before you were married she always made it clear that having a child was not even an option...
But later, you woke up and felt there was no way you could go your entire life without a family of your own.
How do you resolve this? Do you choose your wife over the option of having a family? Do you leave? What happens here?

Poll result (47 votes)
yes (26 votes)Vote
no (15 votes)Vote
I'd cheat and get that woman pregnant (5 votes)Vote
other (1 votes)Vote

  

  

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Topic Outline
Subject Author Message Date ID
if yes, please explain
Oct 23rd 2013
1
Again, read this wrong.
Oct 23rd 2013
64
i dunno
Oct 23rd 2013
2
It's not about right or wrong. You changed your mind, does that
Oct 23rd 2013
44
      i didn't say anything about right or wrong...
Oct 23rd 2013
59
i really don't see how you could complain
Oct 23rd 2013
3
^^^^
Oct 23rd 2013
5
the argument against it, is that he has evolved and now needs this
Oct 23rd 2013
9
      Yuh. That's what I was thinking.
Oct 23rd 2013
14
      still, he can't do that
Oct 23rd 2013
156
           idk about the cheating part, i agree w/the rest.
Oct 23rd 2013
243
                people (men) sometimes try to justify their cheating
Oct 24th 2013
399
If I wanted a fam and she didn't and told me BEFORE the hitch,
Oct 23rd 2013
4
if he told me Before, then i married him with intentions of staying..
Oct 23rd 2013
6
lol @ the green optinon
Oct 23rd 2013
7
I'm obv wrong in this situation, but that feeling isn't something
Oct 23rd 2013
8
that too. it isnt a black and white thing....
Oct 23rd 2013
12
I understand it, cause it's plenty of women who will not
Oct 23rd 2013
13
i don't like kids that much.
Oct 23rd 2013
10
she got a fertile sister? I'm knockin her up.
Oct 23rd 2013
11
it would suck and you would be in the "wrong" but whats the alternative?
Oct 23rd 2013
15
So you saying you would leave right?
Oct 23rd 2013
17
EYE've never not wanted kids so I wouldn't be in the sitch.
Oct 23rd 2013
21
that too.
Oct 23rd 2013
25
^
Oct 23rd 2013
96
is adoption on the table?
Oct 23rd 2013
16
no because it's not about physically having the child
Oct 23rd 2013
19
      regretfully not for me
Oct 23rd 2013
26
      depends on what is it about...
Oct 23rd 2013
33
If it were my husband, we would have to have a SERIOUS conversation
Oct 23rd 2013
18
The way I see it, is that you can never take back having a child
Oct 23rd 2013
23
      Yea but you don't know for sure because you've never done it
Oct 23rd 2013
39
      i think being mothering is an innate natural process.
Oct 23rd 2013
247
your question is posed with no solution
Oct 23rd 2013
20
^^^^ This
Oct 23rd 2013
50
I don't want kids AT ALL.
Oct 23rd 2013
22
ppl think that your love for one another will change your mind
Oct 23rd 2013
141
not if i love her.
Oct 23rd 2013
24
you think that's fair given she made it clear from the start?
Oct 23rd 2013
30
      fairness doesn't matter.
Oct 23rd 2013
47
I wouldn't cheat. I'd straight up let her know I'm having a child. n/m
Oct 23rd 2013
27
this is when Big Brother/Sister becomes a great option...
Oct 23rd 2013
28
never would have married her in the first place
Oct 23rd 2013
29
so being wife material automatically requires being a mom?
Oct 23rd 2013
31
yes
Oct 23rd 2013
34
there are married men who don't ever want children
Oct 23rd 2013
36
      of course there are...i am not that man
Oct 23rd 2013
40
      that's them, and they should find a wife that feels the same
Oct 23rd 2013
41
           see #9 and #45
Oct 23rd 2013
46
                divorce amicablly and hope you find who u are looking for
Oct 23rd 2013
51
for me, absolutely the DESIRE had to be there
Oct 23rd 2013
37
i mean for some men. for you husband material should mean
Oct 23rd 2013
38
the the issue lies in him being on the same page prior to marriage
Oct 23rd 2013
45
      girl i am on your side..
Oct 23rd 2013
54
      yeah, it's not an issue of not being ready
Oct 23rd 2013
65
      he's trying to change the rules in the middle of the game
Oct 23rd 2013
67
basically, if you don't want kids you better marry a man that already...
Oct 23rd 2013
42
this would be ideal
Oct 23rd 2013
57
But...that makes you a MOM. Step-MOM.
Oct 23rd 2013
218
Of course not! Being HIS wife means being a mom
Oct 23rd 2013
the conditions changed though
Oct 23rd 2013
83
      yeah, that sucks. But relationships change.
Oct 23rd 2013
90
For HIM, yes. But of course not, in general.
Oct 23rd 2013
112
lol
Oct 23rd 2013
179
lol why do yall keep responding like this
Oct 23rd 2013
63
i keep saying it...
Oct 23rd 2013
73
don't project that crock of shit on me
Oct 23rd 2013
84
i'm not talking about you J_Sun.
Oct 23rd 2013
95
^^^^^^^^^
Oct 23rd 2013
110
.
Oct 23rd 2013
151
I can only respond based on my expierience
Oct 23rd 2013
74
I guess what im saying is why respond at all if thats the case?
Oct 23rd 2013
99
      me and my wife wanted kids when we got married
Oct 23rd 2013
115
i did...my wife would walk
Oct 23rd 2013
77
yeah folks are answering a question that wasn't asked.
Oct 23rd 2013
129
^
Oct 23rd 2013
72
if i signed up for it then i signed up for it...BUT if we got a host of
Oct 23rd 2013
32
we wouldnt have been married in the first place
Oct 23rd 2013
35
he changed.
Oct 23rd 2013
43
      If it was me...divorce
Oct 23rd 2013
48
      he has a right to change his mind... if they aren't on the same page
Oct 23rd 2013
232
I never understood childless couples by choice.
Oct 23rd 2013
49
not everyone needs children to complete them
Oct 23rd 2013
52
I can get no children (sort of), I just don't understand monogamous
Oct 23rd 2013
76
      being monogamous is not tied to having children
Oct 23rd 2013
80
      Of course not.
Oct 23rd 2013
93
      Oh God, you on some othershit w/this.
Oct 23rd 2013
82
      What exactly were you agreeing with?
Oct 23rd 2013
194
      stfu.
Oct 23rd 2013
98
you don't have to understand everything.
Oct 23rd 2013
55
Wait, now it's wrong to share opinions on OKP?
Oct 23rd 2013
66
it is ignorance though
Oct 23rd 2013
70
When I say "I don't understand" I think its clear that I don't know
Oct 23rd 2013
89
      Your comments were judgemental
Oct 23rd 2013
94
      i agree
Oct 23rd 2013
174
      b/c you're the asshole throwing stones
Oct 23rd 2013
104
throwing stones and hiding your hands.
Oct 23rd 2013
79
      :)
Oct 23rd 2013
88
      ^^^there it is
Oct 23rd 2013
107
      I like this! I'ma remember it.
Oct 23rd 2013
109
      Woot!
Oct 23rd 2013
150
      *open mouth kisses you*
Oct 23rd 2013
175
      This is why I heart you.....AMEN to all that Sowhat....
Oct 23rd 2013
176
      OKP has never been a judgement free zone.
Oct 23rd 2013
180
      *golf clap* the breakdown is so thorough
Oct 23rd 2013
183
      yeah you read a lot into my question which wasn't there.
Oct 23rd 2013
203
      Perfect.
Oct 24th 2013
420
Lol
Oct 23rd 2013
69
wait what?
Oct 23rd 2013
87
Hey yall the ones who see it as a terrible thing.
Oct 23rd 2013
222
because being married isn't ONLY just about children
Oct 23rd 2013
154
      What can I say, maybe you have a better marriage than me.
Oct 23rd 2013
210
           never be honest on okp Buddy
Oct 23rd 2013
229
           theres nothing wrong with ur life, just recognize there is nothing
Oct 23rd 2013
248
           don't be dense
Oct 23rd 2013
369
i hope OKP is still around in 30 years
Oct 23rd 2013
53
as if they're the 1st set of women to decide not to have kids.
Oct 23rd 2013
56
janey did i thought...but couldnt. i thought.
Oct 23rd 2013
61
      nope.
Oct 23rd 2013
68
      some men believe that's what we are here for, sole purpose
Oct 23rd 2013
75
      you know?
Oct 23rd 2013
81
      I don't think that's a fair comment.
Oct 23rd 2013
86
      that's why I said "some men" and a lot do think like that
Oct 23rd 2013
91
      Anecdotally yes
Oct 23rd 2013
100
           as if we havent been actually raising and nurturing kids all this time!
Oct 23rd 2013
177
                I helped raise 4 kids that were really close to me
Oct 23rd 2013
184
                     a weird thing...most of the kids in my family wish i was their mom.
Oct 23rd 2013
191
      looking at green
Oct 23rd 2013
92
      That's 2 votes.
Oct 23rd 2013
105
      2 too many
Oct 23rd 2013
127
      why wouldn't they raise them?
Oct 23rd 2013
157
      yeah but some dudes think we are baby machines
Oct 23rd 2013
159
      *guilty as charged*
Oct 23rd 2013
116
           I already knew you felt this way
Oct 23rd 2013
119
           WHOA!!! is this abt your situation?!
Oct 23rd 2013
121
                smh
Oct 23rd 2013
234
                oh good grief
Oct 23rd 2013
299
                     what?! yall act like im a genius or something
Oct 24th 2013
388
           that's that good fear based thinking... oh you'll be alone...
Oct 23rd 2013
152
           isn't it obvious?..
Oct 23rd 2013
380
      no shit they exist. i wanna see em @ 50. like i said.
Oct 23rd 2013
102
           ask janey.
Oct 23rd 2013
106
           i aint asking janey shit but anal sex tips.
Oct 23rd 2013
117
                I never really wanted children
Oct 23rd 2013
153
                     what did you tell her?
Oct 23rd 2013
228
                          RE: what did you tell her?
Oct 23rd 2013
321
                               thanks for sharing those
Oct 23rd 2013
361
           My boss is 50+ and childless
Oct 23rd 2013
114
                her life seems AWESOME!was her childlessness the catalyst?
Oct 23rd 2013
120
                It may have been but to say their life will be hard and lonely
Oct 23rd 2013
128
                that's my problem with it, is that attitude that it's wrong
Oct 23rd 2013
131
                Yup. My mom told me I've done nothing with my life
Oct 23rd 2013
137
                     no one ever thought i'd be a mom.
Oct 23rd 2013
251
                reading comprehension took a L
Oct 23rd 2013
139
                having kids is 1000 x more selfish
Oct 23rd 2013
160
                     youre on drugs. nm
Oct 23rd 2013
166
                          nah son, you are
Oct 23rd 2013
168
                               reoccurring theme!
Oct 23rd 2013
178
                               i actually agree
Oct 23rd 2013
227
                Another coworker is childless
Oct 23rd 2013
123
                My coworker has been with her husband for 15 yrs, childless.
Oct 23rd 2013
126
      I had a tubal ligation at 36
Oct 23rd 2013
149
my God mom never had kids
Oct 23rd 2013
118
people hold children and marriage up as the only way to be happy
Oct 23rd 2013
124
      the concept of "happy" is some childish shit. having kids
Oct 23rd 2013
132
      everyone does not feel a need to leave a legacy on this earth
Oct 23rd 2013
136
      Other ways to leave legacy
Oct 23rd 2013
138
      Exactly!! There is/wiil be plenty of proof of her existence without kids...
Oct 23rd 2013
146
      actual facts. god bless you
Oct 23rd 2013
140
      Why is the concept of happy childish... ?
Oct 23rd 2013
379
      Or the only way to be altruistic.
Oct 23rd 2013
133
           RE: Or the only way to be altruistic.
Oct 23rd 2013
134
i don't hate kids at all.
Oct 23rd 2013
249
unless it was a medical issue i'd have to get gone.
Oct 23rd 2013
58
I totally read this wrong.
Oct 23rd 2013
60
you read wrong again, lol
Oct 23rd 2013
71
      I didn't mean you, personally.
Oct 23rd 2013
78
nevermind.
Oct 23rd 2013
62
Would you leave if you felt that much pressure to
Oct 23rd 2013
85
i dont blame dudes for leaving
Oct 23rd 2013
97
unfortunately the green option happens though
Oct 23rd 2013
103
i'm mad just thinking about it
Oct 23rd 2013
125
Yeah it's no ones fault
Oct 23rd 2013
108
no fault - i agree.
Oct 23rd 2013
113
i do. she was clear about who she was
Oct 23rd 2013
145
me either
Oct 23rd 2013
158
eeeh there is some fault, wife said upfront and hubby agreed
Oct 23rd 2013
161
      I don't think he intentionally did that
Oct 23rd 2013
162
      oh i didnt say he did....she can still feel betrayed by the switch up
Oct 23rd 2013
171
      ppl change.
Oct 23rd 2013
164
           :) yup
Oct 23rd 2013
165
           i agree
Oct 23rd 2013
169
           yea definitely, one spouse changing their mind still aint fair to the
Oct 23rd 2013
172
                even if it his 'fault' - so what?
Oct 23rd 2013
189
                     ur right, ppl co-signing no fault no fault just annoyed me
Oct 23rd 2013
192
                          i'm w/you on that.
Oct 23rd 2013
196
                          yes me too. it's really awful.
Oct 23rd 2013
252
I would leave
Oct 23rd 2013
101
to be clear, i think the previous agreement is a BIG DEAL
Oct 23rd 2013
111
why kids/no kids get yall so riled up?
Oct 23rd 2013
122
People fighting to be right about their own life choices
Oct 23rd 2013
130
RE: People fighting to be right about their own life choices
Oct 23rd 2013
142
my thing is it's really obnoxious for people to not believe
Oct 23rd 2013
144
A friend of mine from High School...
Oct 23rd 2013
135
Damn right I would, because I want kids
Oct 23rd 2013
143
Oct 23rd 2013
147
marriage really doesn't have anything to do with it
Oct 23rd 2013
167
      Yup :(
Oct 23rd 2013
170
      i think the point is that its easier to get out of other relationships
Oct 23rd 2013
173
           its easier in the sense of you don't have to worry about
Oct 23rd 2013
186
                i was actually speaking realistically about the long term...
Oct 23rd 2013
223
                     ^^^
Oct 23rd 2013
224
                     that's cute but confuses the issue in this post.
Oct 23rd 2013
237
                          that's not accurate...
Oct 23rd 2013
253
                               oh okay.
Oct 23rd 2013
274
the use of TONE by both sides in here is what okp is all about
Oct 23rd 2013
148
RE: the use of TONE by both sides in here is what okp is all about
Oct 23rd 2013
241
I have a friend who went through this
Oct 23rd 2013
155
word
Oct 23rd 2013
181
Man, so many men don't want to have kids, until they are here
Oct 23rd 2013
182
it's a little different for women though...
Oct 23rd 2013
185
i think it is
Oct 23rd 2013
209
things change quickly for men, that's not necessarily a good indicator
Oct 23rd 2013
187
      as i said above, im not willing to take that risk
Oct 23rd 2013
213
           I don't care to change your pref, its the later assertion that's faulty
Oct 23rd 2013
216
                eh. i think its more faulty to think ppl will change once the children c...
Oct 23rd 2013
231
                     have it your way, this post & all its replies stand as proof of the oppo...
Oct 23rd 2013
244
                          lol dont be mad!
Oct 23rd 2013
263
                               lol @ mad.
Oct 23rd 2013
282
                                    who changed their mind?
Oct 23rd 2013
355
                                         #9 says otherwise to me
Oct 23rd 2013
356
me personally....no
Oct 23rd 2013
163
this happened to my friend. he left & couldn't get the next pregnant.
Oct 23rd 2013
188
psssshhhh.... I really wanna say
Oct 23rd 2013
190
just shows that we don't have as much control as we think we do
Oct 23rd 2013
193
everyone speaks in absolutes as if your kids will even like you.
Oct 23rd 2013
211
why would you blame the dude?!?! he moved forward with his life.....
Oct 23rd 2013
202
Whoaaaaaaaaaaa. Nawwww man.
Oct 23rd 2013
197
dang
Oct 23rd 2013
200
yeah thats something else i would think about
Oct 23rd 2013
220
wow damn.
Oct 23rd 2013
239
I forgot breeders versus non-breeders was a bread and butter #warz
Oct 23rd 2013
195
Why not? Part ways and try to remain friends.
Oct 23rd 2013
198
i'd want my husband to leave...
Oct 23rd 2013
199
IF I agreed to marry her knowing this, then no, it's completely unfair
Oct 23rd 2013
201
Thing is, how can you take seriously a 19 year old who says
Oct 23rd 2013
205
I mean, that's why I kept talking to her. It wasn't like I was getting m...
Oct 23rd 2013
206
The real take home lesson is don't make life long commitments at
Oct 23rd 2013
212
      I don't know about that
Oct 23rd 2013
219
      I should have said most folks. But the advice is the same.
Oct 23rd 2013
235
           I'm a little surprised that you don't know the correct term for it.
Oct 23rd 2013
255
                oh that would just burn me up!
Oct 23rd 2013
286
                I am not sure we are disagreeing about anything.
Oct 23rd 2013
346
      Some ppl know at 19. Some don't at 30+
Oct 23rd 2013
221
           Do you think it's a good idea for a 19 year to get tubal ligation?
Oct 24th 2013
401
depends on what your birth-18 years might've been like.
Oct 23rd 2013
302
that sounds pretty awful.
Oct 23rd 2013
208
      The fact that I agreed to marry her would be awful! As said, it's alread...
Oct 23rd 2013
214
           uh huh.
Oct 23rd 2013
215
his fault... but she ain't much better.
Oct 23rd 2013
204
yeah, I know that no one is interested in reading my opinion/experience
Oct 23rd 2013
207
janey...
Oct 23rd 2013
292
      oh sweetheart
Oct 23rd 2013
323
not if I go into knowing she didn't... but I wouldn't marry her tho
Oct 23rd 2013
217
I can't believe I missed this topic.
Oct 23rd 2013
225
wouldnt have married in the first place
Oct 23rd 2013
226
if you want a family that bad, you dont have a whole lotta
Oct 23rd 2013
230
People grow and evolve over time. I'd leave if my mind changed.
Oct 23rd 2013
254
For me, marriage and children pretty much go hand in hand...
Oct 23rd 2013
256
What if a couple agrees to have kids, they have them.
Oct 23rd 2013
257
I don't think anyone is claiming this guy to be a hero...
Oct 23rd 2013
270
      it's not hard to imagine...
Oct 23rd 2013
290
           how does this relate to marriage vows?
Oct 23rd 2013
297
           how exactly are marital vows in question?
Oct 23rd 2013
359
                is til death do us part still a part of marital vows?
Oct 23rd 2013
368
                     how is HE not taking his vows seriously tho?
Oct 24th 2013
404
                          okay so he has to leave before we say he's violating
Oct 24th 2013
459
For those saying you would leave over this...
Oct 23rd 2013
258
but whats he supposed to do?--
Oct 23rd 2013
261
so she's supposed to bear another human
Oct 23rd 2013
266
      its a no win situation--
Oct 23rd 2013
271
      do you really need a reason?
Oct 23rd 2013
294
           well....yeah--
Oct 23rd 2013
304
           if personal choice/preference isn't enough of a reason...
Oct 23rd 2013
373
                a reason can bring understanding though...
Oct 24th 2013
406
                     there are somethings in this world you simply won't understand...
Oct 24th 2013
437
           Fcuk yeah. It would definitely warrant a different response from an SO
Oct 24th 2013
403
                that's easily said from a man
Oct 24th 2013
424
                name an INVALID reason for not wanting kids?..
Oct 24th 2013
441
      he's not throwing the other person away. im sure this is an
Oct 23rd 2013
272
           yep, think of this too.
Oct 23rd 2013
273
           no i think he just thinks he can force her into it...
Oct 23rd 2013
275
           Why are you putting all of that extra on this?
Oct 23rd 2013
309
                see post 65...
Oct 23rd 2013
324
           it would hurt me to my core.
Oct 23rd 2013
281
Bringing another life into the world is a huge deal. It's a big desire.
Oct 23rd 2013
262
some ppl REALLY want children.
Oct 23rd 2013
265
theres gotta be a compromise in there somewhere
Oct 23rd 2013
267
I can't live with not knowing, always wondering
Oct 23rd 2013
269
yes, if i REALLY want children
Oct 23rd 2013
277
I think that this may require couple's counseling.
Oct 23rd 2013
278
what can couple's counseling really do here??
Oct 23rd 2013
288
      the only "solution" would seem to be polygamy/polyamory
Oct 23rd 2013
293
      going through a divorce is difficult.
Oct 23rd 2013
296
      you'd be surprised...
Oct 23rd 2013
298
      ^^^^^ best post in here^^^^
Oct 23rd 2013
305
      hell yeah.
Oct 23rd 2013
308
      ^^^these are really good points
Oct 23rd 2013
345
      Regardless of outcome it can help them to move on w/o resentment.
Oct 23rd 2013
354
      i think counseling is the only answer here to save the 'ship
Oct 23rd 2013
303
           i guess my question is
Oct 23rd 2013
311
                yeah abby said what i woulda said if i was smart lol
Oct 23rd 2013
313
                I don't see any middle ground.
Oct 23rd 2013
314
                surely you can imagine some issues beyond the surface one presented
Oct 23rd 2013
320
                     exactly. This situation is layered and sensitive.
Oct 23rd 2013
325
                     One layer
Oct 23rd 2013
329
                          yep.
Oct 23rd 2013
338
                          i think Abby raised the possibility that there is something else at play
Oct 24th 2013
390
                     That is a dealbreaker though.
Oct 23rd 2013
327
                          it ain't over yet!
Oct 23rd 2013
335
                               N/c.
Oct 23rd 2013
337
                they both need to work on whatever issues they...
Oct 23rd 2013
318
                     i don't think (not) wanting kids is an issue though.
Oct 23rd 2013
330
                          how someone who doesn't want kids...
Oct 23rd 2013
332
                               That can be figured out in individual sessions.
Oct 23rd 2013
336
                                    divorce is expensive and painful; i can't imagine not going
Oct 23rd 2013
374
Wanting children is probably just as important to me
Oct 23rd 2013
279
no one wins here, its just how the Ls are distributed
Oct 23rd 2013
285
I mean that goes both ways tho
Oct 23rd 2013
334
A spouse can never replace the desire for children.
Oct 23rd 2013
340
divorce is throwing your mate away.
Oct 23rd 2013
363
      Using this as a reason for that person to cave and have a child
Oct 23rd 2013
366
           hello!
Oct 23rd 2013
367
           the compromise may be him not getting a child.
Oct 23rd 2013
372
           yeah cause u can potentially be multiplying the misery
Oct 23rd 2013
375
           not once did i suggest what their compromise should be.
Oct 24th 2013
391
I have nothing to add as I have never been in this situation
Oct 23rd 2013
264
its not a middle ground, the wife doesnt want to be a mother, at all
Oct 23rd 2013
289
The Seed 2.0... name it rock n roll
Oct 23rd 2013
268
Truth be told, I'm the type of nigga that would suffer in silence.
Oct 23rd 2013
283
i dont think he was completely honest w you either
Oct 23rd 2013
284
agree
Oct 23rd 2013
295
This isn't really fair.
Oct 23rd 2013
307
      It's suggesting that maybe he wasn't honest with himself, or didn't know...
Oct 23rd 2013
322
      Right, he may have thought that marriage was enough.
Oct 23rd 2013
344
Whoa mods are on it in this post.
Oct 23rd 2013
287
can i ask the reason for not wanting children?--
Oct 23rd 2013
291
reply 294, dont be annoying dude
Oct 23rd 2013
300
right??
Oct 23rd 2013
301
      because why is important--
Oct 23rd 2013
310
           It's not.
Oct 23rd 2013
317
           Oh so now the OP and people like her have to justify their views on life
Oct 23rd 2013
319
                its the life long part i have a problem with--
Oct 23rd 2013
326
Let me ask you this:
Oct 23rd 2013
328
legacy--
Oct 23rd 2013
341
      well
Oct 23rd 2013
347
           RE: well
Oct 23rd 2013
357
                The problem here is
Oct 23rd 2013
358
                     RE: The problem here is
Oct 23rd 2013
360
                          Genetics?
Oct 23rd 2013
362
did they delete my reply or am I trippin
Oct 23rd 2013
382
      i deleted the bs...
Oct 23rd 2013
385
           that dont make no sense lol but ok I guess
Oct 23rd 2013
386
                it was that or torch the entire thread...
Oct 24th 2013
387
I would leave my husband, yes.
Oct 23rd 2013
316
Honestly, with the best interests of your relationship in mind
Oct 23rd 2013
351
i know of a couple. he wanted to have kids. she didn't. they got married...
Oct 23rd 2013
353
this sounds about right
Oct 23rd 2013
371
      i don't know what type of mother she would be...
Oct 23rd 2013
378
           this is all perfect and true.
Oct 24th 2013
440
The "smartest" ppl in here soundin just as dumb as the "dumb" ones
Oct 23rd 2013
364
I won't leave him
Oct 23rd 2013
365
depends on how the marriage came to be
Oct 23rd 2013
370
If I didn't want kids
Oct 23rd 2013
376
this a sad fuckin poast
Oct 23rd 2013
377
this is like playing chicken with two mack trucks...
Oct 23rd 2013
381
I wouldn't leave. I believe in the "til death do us part" vow.
Oct 23rd 2013
383
I didnt like or want kids till I met his dad.
Oct 23rd 2013
384
no offsprings==> gene pool suicide==> should be ILLEGAL!
Oct 24th 2013
389
Yes but i wouldn't marry her knowing that thinking it could change
Oct 24th 2013
392
just on some real shit, though
Oct 24th 2013
393
^^^
Oct 24th 2013
400
this does not have to be the case...
Oct 24th 2013
409
      i don't see how it won't be in this case...
Oct 24th 2013
413
but isn't the title Happy Marriage gone when an issue like children
Oct 24th 2013
407
maybe it doesn't have to be, is all i'm saying
Oct 24th 2013
411
yup!!!!!!!!!!
Oct 24th 2013
414
right! @
Oct 24th 2013
418
wait.......WHAT?!
Oct 24th 2013
421
let me set the record straight about this shit
Oct 24th 2013
423
word.
Oct 24th 2013
429
mrs. baby girl...
Oct 24th 2013
444
yeah, she clearly 'owes' that man a child!
Oct 24th 2013
425
      I buy the damn groceries with MY money, lol
Oct 24th 2013
427
           oh, i'm sure you do.
Oct 24th 2013
428
I totally agree with flora.
Oct 24th 2013
422
I don't know where you are getting this stay at home wife thing
Oct 24th 2013
426
now let's be honest...
Oct 24th 2013
449
      context is crucial...
Oct 24th 2013
450
yall just can't stfu can ya
Oct 24th 2013
447
She ain't going nowhere. Hell the fact that she GOT MARRIED
Oct 24th 2013
458
Good lovin will make a man agree to damn near anything.
Oct 24th 2013
394
im not leaving
Oct 24th 2013
395
My uncle was in this boat... he wanted kids and his wife didn't.
Oct 24th 2013
396
I imagine that really sucks for the kid though...
Oct 24th 2013
397
lol men do that everyday
Oct 24th 2013
398
thank you!
Oct 24th 2013
431
lol... nah, she wasn't standing in the corner with the ice grill
Oct 24th 2013
402
ahh ok GOOD...I was like Daaaamnnn...I was really feeling for shorty
Oct 24th 2013
410
yeah that completely FUCKED UP! wow
Oct 24th 2013
415
that sounds annoying. if my SO told me that id be like "its not a pet!" ...
Oct 24th 2013
408
My dad didn't want to have me or my brother.
Oct 24th 2013
405
you guys got lucky
Oct 24th 2013
412
right? this isnt like trying brussel sprouts
Oct 24th 2013
417
      it sickens me to read/hear ppl claim they just don't understand
Oct 24th 2013
419
           i never said that--
Oct 24th 2013
430
           good for you.
Oct 24th 2013
433
           its fucking annoying
Oct 24th 2013
432
                agreed.
Oct 24th 2013
434
                nigga dont you have a kid?--
Oct 24th 2013
435
                     Yes I have a child
Oct 24th 2013
439
This is like that one Simpsons show that showed Homer losing his hair
Oct 24th 2013
453
Leaving is a possibility
Oct 24th 2013
416
Did we really get this far without a reference to "The Seed 2.0?"
Oct 24th 2013
436
no, we didn't.
Oct 24th 2013
438
      i needed the cliffs notes
Oct 24th 2013
460
There is no un-selfish reason to have a kid.
Oct 24th 2013
442
Wow. This is the most hit doggingness post EVER on OKP
Oct 24th 2013
443
i just wanna reitierate that yall literally ARE made to have kids.
Oct 24th 2013
445
so are men, wtf?
Oct 24th 2013
446
God gave us penises to skulll fuck tigers after we kill em
Oct 24th 2013
448
      LOL
Oct 24th 2013
451
stfu sometimes.
Oct 24th 2013
452
hope infertility is never an issue you face...
Oct 24th 2013
454
I'm gooone. B/c i want kids and I'm only marrying a woman who does too.
Oct 24th 2013
455

sixteenstone
Member since Sep 22nd 2002
27996 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 10:46 AM

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1. "if yes, please explain"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

Remember Novemthree's Courage...
visit on the web:www.16stonevintage.com
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spades
Member since Mar 22nd 2006
44257 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 11:34 AM

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64. "Again, read this wrong."
In response to Reply # 1
Wed Oct-23-13 11:37 AM by spades

  

          

I think if you want to leave because what you want has now changed that totally makes sense. Still, you kind of set your self and her up for heartache.

********************************

Get Out The Room!
http://getouttheroom.podomatic.com
@fakewilliamkatt

"You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do!" - Olin Miller

  

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MiracleRic
Member since Oct 21st 2002
45200 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 10:49 AM

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2. "i dunno"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

i'd see if she'd let me have a child outside the marriage

but i'd guess that's the same as leaving

me personally...i'd be ok without kids

Let me sport my Air Hyperbole 2010s in peace. (c) ansomble

Building repetoires (c) spm since 1983

  

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Buddy_Gilapagos
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Wed Oct-23-13 11:22 AM

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44. "It's not about right or wrong. You changed your mind, does that"
In response to Reply # 2


  

          

mean you are stuck with this person forever?


**********
"Everyone has a plan until you punch them in the face. Then they don't have a plan anymore." (c) Mike Tyson

  

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MiracleRic
Member since Oct 21st 2002
45200 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 11:33 AM

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59. "i didn't say anything about right or wrong..."
In response to Reply # 44


  

          

if i changed my mind...

why should i expect them to?

my vows won't be "so long as i don't change my mind"

Let me sport my Air Hyperbole 2010s in peace. (c) ansomble

Building repetoires (c) spm since 1983

  

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jrocc
Charter member
6506 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 10:50 AM

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3. "i really don't see how you could complain"
In response to Reply # 0


          

especially if she made it clear that she didn't ever want to have kids.

  

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KiloMcG
Member since Jan 01st 2008
27561 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 10:52 AM

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5. "^^^^"
In response to Reply # 3


  

          

  

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sixteenstone
Member since Sep 22nd 2002
27996 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 10:54 AM

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9. "the argument against it, is that he has evolved and now needs this"
In response to Reply # 3


  

          

that after the marriage this new found need has arisen.

Remember Novemthree's Courage...
visit on the web:www.16stonevintage.com
like on facebook: https://www.facebook.com/16stonevintage
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abby
Member since Oct 19th 2004
65215 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 10:57 AM

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14. "Yuh. That's what I was thinking."
In response to Reply # 9


  

          

In relationships people evolve.

What was not important to him then may have become important through the evolution of the relationship.

Still not the woman's fault since she made it clear from jump. But it also isn't black and white.

  

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jrocc
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Wed Oct-23-13 01:23 PM

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156. "still, he can't do that"
In response to Reply # 9


          

he can evolve all he wants. you can't expect her to evolve just because you did. and you certainly can't expect a woman to grow a human being in her body if she doesn't want to all because you tried to act like you were cool with the idea of not having kids when really you were just hoping she'd change her mind. if you ask me it's a cornball way to excuse him wanting to cheat.

  

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Koku
Charter member
71257 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 04:13 PM

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243. "idk about the cheating part, i agree w/the rest."
In response to Reply # 156


  

          

---

@kokupuff

  

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jrocc
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Thu Oct-24-13 08:28 AM

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399. "people (men) sometimes try to justify their cheating"
In response to Reply # 243


          

when they're unhappy and have basically decided that they're going ahead with it. i've seen kats come up with some pretty elaborate scenarios trying to make it seem like their cheating is somehow ok because of their circumstances.

  

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kingjerm78
Member since Jul 05th 2007
24725 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 10:51 AM

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4. "If I wanted a fam and she didn't and told me BEFORE the hitch, "
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

and we still got married, that's all on me. I have to accept terms and conditions i agreed upon saying "I do".

So I wouldn't leave.

--------------------------------

one half of the most dynamic tag team on the net...nappyafro's FROCAST!

http://www.frocast.com
www.nappyafro.com
store.nappyafro.com

  

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Iwasmadeto
Charter member
23433 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 10:52 AM

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6. "if he told me Before, then i married him with intentions of staying.."
In response to Reply # 0
Wed Oct-23-13 10:53 AM by Iwasmadeto

  

          

and i guess reinventing what family meant to us.

psst!

  

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MizClayton
Member since Feb 22nd 2003
33309 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 10:53 AM

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7. "lol @ the green optinon"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

  

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RaFromQueens
Member since Apr 18th 2006
19528 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 10:53 AM

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8. "I'm obv wrong in this situation, but that feeling isn't something "
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

you can ignore.

We've all heard of marriages ending over way less.

---
"People that need positivity around them all the time are weak individuals in my book" - @lilduval

  

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Iwasmadeto
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23433 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 10:55 AM

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12. "that too. it isnt a black and white thing...."
In response to Reply # 8


  

          

psst!

  

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sixteenstone
Member since Sep 22nd 2002
27996 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 10:56 AM

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13. "I understand it, cause it's plenty of women who will not "
In response to Reply # 8


  

          

get serious with a man unless he wants children. But people think their partners will change eventually.

Remember Novemthree's Courage...
visit on the web:www.16stonevintage.com
like on facebook: https://www.facebook.com/16stonevintage
follow on instagram: http://instagram.com/sixteenstone http://instagram.com/vintageblkmags/

  

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ndibs
Member since Aug 06th 2012
12715 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 10:55 AM

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10. "i don't like kids that much."
In response to Reply # 0


          

or maybe i'm happy with my life without kids.

so i'm not leaving anyone cause they don't want kids, especially if tthey told me so and i was cool with that and our life was otherwise good. i'd figure something to do with all the money we're saving and do volunteer work with kids on the weekend or mentor or something. there are ways to have kids in your life without having them.

But, they really think WE all want kids/marriage etc. like yeah i want kids mean desperately at any cost. not sure means yes i want kids. and no means deep down even though i don't admit it, i want kids.

  

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Deadzombie
Member since Aug 21st 2008
13358 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 10:55 AM

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11. "she got a fertile sister? I'm knockin her up."
In response to Reply # 0


          

  

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illegal
Charter member
78381 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 10:57 AM

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15. "it would suck and you would be in the "wrong" but whats the alternative?"
In response to Reply # 0


          

things change & forever is a mighty long time

and that is a MUCH better reason to leave than cheating IMO

***
when I come around, they frown
then wanna dap me down
but when I leave?

  

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sixteenstone
Member since Sep 22nd 2002
27996 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 10:58 AM

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17. "So you saying you would leave right?"
In response to Reply # 15


  

          

Remember Novemthree's Courage...
visit on the web:www.16stonevintage.com
like on facebook: https://www.facebook.com/16stonevintage
follow on instagram: http://instagram.com/sixteenstone http://instagram.com/vintageblkmags/

  

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illegal
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78381 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 11:03 AM

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21. "EYE've never not wanted kids so I wouldn't be in the sitch."
In response to Reply # 17


          

but i can imagine the situation and see that in order to stay together one party here would have to lose tremendously
and this is one of those BIG subjects that festers and builds resentment

***
when I come around, they frown
then wanna dap me down
but when I leave?

  

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SoWhat
Charter member
154163 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 11:05 AM

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25. "that too."
In response to Reply # 15


  

          

fuck you.

  

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spades
Member since Mar 22nd 2006
44257 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 11:47 AM

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96. "^"
In response to Reply # 15


  

          

********************************

Get Out The Room!
http://getouttheroom.podomatic.com
@fakewilliamkatt

"You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do!" - Olin Miller

  

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Binlahab
Charter member
182954 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 10:57 AM

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16. "is adoption on the table?"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

its one thing to say im a woman & im not pushing no kids out my body but i love you & we can adopt.

ok, now we got something to go forward on.

but if her POV is im a woman & im not only not pushing no kids out my body im not interested in adopting or having ANY kids. period.

then im out. thats a non negotiable for me. its not abt the kids its abt caring abt ME

i care abt you enough to accept not having a child of my own blood

you cant meet me half way? fuck it we have bedrock foundational differences in opinion & its best if we part


does it even matter?

  

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sixteenstone
Member since Sep 22nd 2002
27996 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 11:02 AM

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19. "no because it's not about physically having the child"
In response to Reply # 16


  

          

and what you are saying about the "caring about me" part is totally valid.
But why force having a kid blood or adopted on someone who does not want to ever be a mom in any shape or form?
If you can't live without being a dad, and she can't live with being a mom... is there even a resolution there?

Remember Novemthree's Courage...
visit on the web:www.16stonevintage.com
like on facebook: https://www.facebook.com/16stonevintage
follow on instagram: http://instagram.com/sixteenstone http://instagram.com/vintageblkmags/

  

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Binlahab
Charter member
182954 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 11:07 AM

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26. "regretfully not for me"
In response to Reply # 19


  

          

as painful as it would be i'd have to say goodbye


does it even matter?

  

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ndibs
Member since Aug 06th 2012
12715 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 11:14 AM

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33. "depends on what is it about..."
In response to Reply # 19


          


>If you can't live without being a dad, and she can't live with
>being a mom... is there even a resolution there?

depemds what is it about? not wanting to do all the child care involved in having a kid or putting your career aspirations on the backburner? would having a nanny help? would post poning it 10 yrs when you're more established in your career be a compromise you could both be happy with?]

if it's just never, never, never. there's no possible resolution.

  

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ThisIs_ATruthThang
Member since Nov 16th 2003
11678 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 11:01 AM

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18. "If it were my husband, we would have to have a SERIOUS conversation "
In response to Reply # 0
Wed Oct-23-13 11:03 AM by ThisIs_ATruthThang

  

          

And determine if them not having children is worth me. And then based on that I'd have to decide whether loving them is enough. I'd probably stay but be miserable. Lol if work around kids.

I know this was a question geared toward men lol




Somebody's lying...

@Atruelady Twitter/ @Sweetesttaboos Instagram

  

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sixteenstone
Member since Sep 22nd 2002
27996 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 11:04 AM

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23. "The way I see it, is that you can never take back having a child"
In response to Reply # 18


  

          

I would rather not do it, then be resentful and bitter and possibly have any of that rub off on the child.
If you have it in your heart not to be a mom, then you should probably just stay away from that.

Remember Novemthree's Courage...
visit on the web:www.16stonevintage.com
like on facebook: https://www.facebook.com/16stonevintage
follow on instagram: http://instagram.com/sixteenstone http://instagram.com/vintageblkmags/

  

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ThisIs_ATruthThang
Member since Nov 16th 2003
11678 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 11:19 AM

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39. "Yea but you don't know for sure because you've never done it"
In response to Reply # 23


  

          

It could come but will you ever find that ONE again? Could you be without them? Alone?

Tamar always said that her and Vince wouldn't have kids. Neither of them wanted any but it changed after he got really sick. She wanted him happy more than anything and was happy to give him the greatest gift. She gave him one and she says she's done. And though it was rough, her and her son have a bond.

That's the one thing about life, things happen and shit changes. Did you really marry the ONE? If they're not, then I guess it's worth leaving.




Somebody's lying...

@Atruelady Twitter/ @Sweetesttaboos Instagram

  

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Koku
Charter member
71257 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 04:16 PM

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247. "i think being mothering is an innate natural process."
In response to Reply # 23


  

          

it's more of a dysfunction to resent a child.

so if one were to get pregnant, even regrettably, i think
all these warm & fuzzy feelings of never knowing a love
like this would come to be.

as a person who doesn't want kids, i can admit that.

but i'd just never want to put myself in a position as to
where kids are here b/c i helped make em.

---

@kokupuff

  

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woe.is.me.
Member since Aug 06th 2007
13957 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 11:02 AM

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20. "your question is posed with no solution"
In response to Reply # 0
Wed Oct-23-13 11:05 AM by woe.is.me.

  

          

if the wife previously said she would never have kids
and the husband now decided he can't go on without a family then...

it sounds like they can't continue together.
(based on the uncompromising positions presented).

to expound:
having a child(or plural) is not something anyone should ever do for anyone else. it's too great a responsibility (even when adopting) to take on for someone else's benefit.

---
www.ikirejones.com
FW16: After Migration.

  

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orchid730
Member since Jul 13th 2011
86 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 11:27 AM

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50. "^^^^ This"
In response to Reply # 20


          

I dont see how they can possibly stay together under this situation b/c it is a big deal on both sides.

It will be very selfish of him to try and pesuade her into them having a child, biological or not. And I'm going to assume his need to have a child is going to overpower anything so staing in the relationship is gonna cause problems. Thats when they gonna start bickering for the smallest shit.

Just like how he can fault her for not wanting kids she cant fault him for changinf his views on this

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
https://www.etsy.com/shop/EmbellishedMemoriesD?ref=si_shop
http://emdesigns.tumblr.com/

  

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Koku
Charter member
71257 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 11:04 AM

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22. "I don't want kids AT ALL."
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

Never have, never will.

It has been the cause of DEEP hurt & pain, but like...
I never wanted that for myself & I never lied about it.

I don't even know how somebody who wants children
can sign up for alladis (c) geah when I've made it
EXPLICITLY clear I ain't the one.

---

@kokupuff

  

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GirlChild
Charter member
56000 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 12:40 PM

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141. "ppl think that your love for one another will change your mind"
In response to Reply # 22


  

          

i ain't gon' lie, i was never one who wanted kids, mostly bc i thought i'd suck at it and because it's hard to do in my line of work

when i met high yella i was on the fence. if i hadn't married him, i would absolutely not have had a child. i only did it bc i knew he would be a good father and he is the only person i could see myself having a child with.

i would not do this with anyone else.

and i *STILL* don't like kids. (cept my booface)

  

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SoWhat
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154163 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 11:04 AM

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24. "not if i love her."
In response to Reply # 0
Wed Oct-23-13 11:07 AM by SoWhat

  

          

is she down w/adoption?

i don't want kids so i dunno for real. but i think if i love my wife more than i love the *idea* of having a kid, i'd stick w/her. especially if she's willing to adopt. or if she's willing and we can afford surrogacy.

if she's not willing to consider any of those options then i'd have to seriously consider leaving. the deal would likely be broken.

fuck you.

  

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sixteenstone
Member since Sep 22nd 2002
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Wed Oct-23-13 11:11 AM

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30. "you think that's fair given she made it clear from the start?"
In response to Reply # 24


  

          

isn't it considered a betrayal that you suddenly flip the script and say you "need" this in order to be with her?

Remember Novemthree's Courage...
visit on the web:www.16stonevintage.com
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SoWhat
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47. "fairness doesn't matter."
In response to Reply # 30


  

          

it's not 'fair', but so what?

if i stay w/her and remain childless b/c SHE doesn't want kids then i'm likely to resent her.

if i stay w/her and we have kids b/c i want them and she doesn't then she's likely to resent me and the kids.

if i leave i'm not being fair b/c i broke the deal we'd made when we married - we'd basically agreed not to have kids b/c we didn't want them.

there's no good outcome.

so i'd probably choose the one that leaves us both w/the possibility of finding mates who are a better fit for each of us.

fuck you.

  

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Marbles
Member since Oct 19th 2004
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Wed Oct-23-13 11:07 AM

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27. "I wouldn't cheat. I'd straight up let her know I'm having a child. n/m"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

  

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CyrenYoung
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28. "this is when Big Brother/Sister becomes a great option..."
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

..yeah, i know its not ideal (and not even remotely close to having your own family)

still, you can't front on the thin line between personal desire and respect.


*skatin' the rings of saturn*

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=B7E8dge7H8Y


..and miles to go before i sleep...

  

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J_Sun
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29. "never would have married her in the first place"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

Always knew I wanted a family. Any woman that didn't wasn't wife material.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Sometimes I contemplate moving to a warmer place, then the lake and skyline give me a warm embrace" © Common

  

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sixteenstone
Member since Sep 22nd 2002
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Wed Oct-23-13 11:12 AM

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31. "so being wife material automatically requires being a mom?"
In response to Reply # 29


  

          

Remember Novemthree's Courage...
visit on the web:www.16stonevintage.com
like on facebook: https://www.facebook.com/16stonevintage
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tomjohn29
Member since Oct 18th 2004
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Wed Oct-23-13 11:16 AM

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34. "yes "
In response to Reply # 31


  

          

______________________________________

Navem nu, cuando sol
Tutu nu, vondo nos nu
Vita em, no continous non
Nos nu ekta nos sepe ta, amen

When the sun shades the ship
We sweat and life is not safe
To swim or to touch not
When we unite we hedge amen

  

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sixteenstone
Member since Sep 22nd 2002
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Wed Oct-23-13 11:18 AM

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36. "there are married men who don't ever want children"
In response to Reply # 34


  

          

Remember Novemthree's Courage...
visit on the web:www.16stonevintage.com
like on facebook: https://www.facebook.com/16stonevintage
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tomjohn29
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Wed Oct-23-13 11:20 AM

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40. "of course there are...i am not that man"
In response to Reply # 36
Wed Oct-23-13 11:23 AM by tomjohn29

  

          

she is not that women
there is nothing wrong with that
but having kids and marriage was fundemental to *me*
my desired mate should also share that fundemental desire
we went through helll and our baby is due christmas
if she didnt want to have kids she would be a bit of a different person
just like if i didnt want kids id be different

______________________________________

Navem nu, cuando sol
Tutu nu, vondo nos nu
Vita em, no continous non
Nos nu ekta nos sepe ta, amen

When the sun shades the ship
We sweat and life is not safe
To swim or to touch not
When we unite we hedge amen

  

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J_Sun
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41. "that's them, and they should find a wife that feels the same"
In response to Reply # 36


  

          

these are conversations that have to be had before the engagement even IMO.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Sometimes I contemplate moving to a warmer place, then the lake and skyline give me a warm embrace" © Common

  

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sixteenstone
Member since Sep 22nd 2002
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46. "see #9 and #45"
In response to Reply # 41


  

          

Remember Novemthree's Courage...
visit on the web:www.16stonevintage.com
like on facebook: https://www.facebook.com/16stonevintage
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tomjohn29
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Wed Oct-23-13 11:27 AM

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51. "divorce amicablly and hope you find who u are looking for"
In response to Reply # 46


  

          

______________________________________

Navem nu, cuando sol
Tutu nu, vondo nos nu
Vita em, no continous non
Nos nu ekta nos sepe ta, amen

When the sun shades the ship
We sweat and life is not safe
To swim or to touch not
When we unite we hedge amen

  

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J_Sun
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37. "for me, absolutely the DESIRE had to be there"
In response to Reply # 31


  

          

if for some reason my wife had been unable to have children, I would have NEVER left her. We would have just adopted.

But yeah, the desire to have children was a must on my list. I wouldn't have even married a woman that "not sure" if she wanted children.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Sometimes I contemplate moving to a warmer place, then the lake and skyline give me a warm embrace" © Common

  

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ndibs
Member since Aug 06th 2012
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Wed Oct-23-13 11:19 AM

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38. "i mean for some men. for you husband material should mean"
In response to Reply # 31


          

not wanting kids. depends on the person.

  

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sixteenstone
Member since Sep 22nd 2002
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Wed Oct-23-13 11:23 AM

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45. "the the issue lies in him being on the same page prior to marriage"
In response to Reply # 38


  

          

knowing fully well you never wanted children... THEN waking up out the blue saying well I need this dream of a family to happen.

Remember Novemthree's Courage...
visit on the web:www.16stonevintage.com
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ndibs
Member since Aug 06th 2012
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Wed Oct-23-13 11:29 AM

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54. "girl i am on your side.."
In response to Reply # 45


          

i think he didn't take you seriously. i don't think he woke up and changed his mind. i think he thought marriage would change your mind. like you'd wake up and realize yes you too can have the leave it to beaver fantasy... cause all women want kids and the family life.

  

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sixteenstone
Member since Sep 22nd 2002
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Wed Oct-23-13 11:34 AM

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65. "yeah, it's not an issue of not being ready"
In response to Reply # 54


  

          

which is what I think he's always thought.

Remember Novemthree's Courage...
visit on the web:www.16stonevintage.com
like on facebook: https://www.facebook.com/16stonevintage
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J_Sun
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67. "he's trying to change the rules in the middle of the game"
In response to Reply # 45


  

          

What people need and want can and will change throughout a marriage. But this so fundamental... if he is 100% serious about having children... it has to be SELFLESS and to try to have a child with someone that is not 100% on board with idea is selfish (accidental pregnancies aside). You can hope that after the baby is born that mothering instinct will kick it but if it doesn't, the child will suffer.

He would have to do some SERIOUS introspection, examine the promises made to his wife, and decide what is more important to him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Sometimes I contemplate moving to a warmer place, then the lake and skyline give me a warm embrace" © Common

  

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ThaTruth
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42. "basically, if you don't want kids you better marry a man that already..."
In response to Reply # 31


          

has them

________________________________________
"Take the surprise out your voice Shaq."-The REAL CP3
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v2H5K-BUMS0

  

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sixteenstone
Member since Sep 22nd 2002
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Wed Oct-23-13 11:31 AM

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57. "this would be ideal "
In response to Reply # 42


  

          

Remember Novemthree's Courage...
visit on the web:www.16stonevintage.com
like on facebook: https://www.facebook.com/16stonevintage
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Ronni
Member since Oct 17th 2002
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218. "But...that makes you a MOM. Step-MOM. "
In response to Reply # 42


          

And if motherhood isn't what you want you shouldn't be a mother in any capacity. Not even to his children from another relationship.
_________________________________
...my two cents

Golden.

  

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spades
Member since Mar 22nd 2006
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Wed Oct-23-13 11:38 AM

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"Of course not! Being HIS wife means being a mom"


  

          

Those who ain't w/that program can opt out. Just like for some ppl, being a wife means going to football games, or coooking everynight, or having 3somes, or a lifetime of boring vanilla sex.

Every relationship has its conditions.

********************************

Get Out The Room!
http://getouttheroom.podomatic.com
@fakewilliamkatt

"You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do!" - Olin Miller

  

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sixteenstone
Member since Sep 22nd 2002
27996 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 11:42 AM

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83. "the conditions changed though"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

Remember Novemthree's Courage...
visit on the web:www.16stonevintage.com
like on facebook: https://www.facebook.com/16stonevintage
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spades
Member since Mar 22nd 2006
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Wed Oct-23-13 11:46 AM

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90. "yeah, that sucks. But relationships change."
In response to Reply # 83


  

          

If you're asking if the woman in this scenario has a right to feel wronged. I think so. The end result is the same tho. Dude's gotta leave. The couple is no longer compatible/viable. They want TOTALLY different things.

********************************

Get Out The Room!
http://getouttheroom.podomatic.com
@fakewilliamkatt

"You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do!" - Olin Miller

  

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HeavenLei
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Wed Oct-23-13 11:55 AM

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112. "For HIM, yes. But of course not, in general."
In response to Reply # 31


  

          


legato, staccato, andante, forte, fortissimo, piano, allegro, presto.

  

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Brotha Sun
Member since Dec 31st 2009
6778 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 02:09 PM

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179. "lol"
In response to Reply # 31


          

  

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Mahogany
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Wed Oct-23-13 11:33 AM

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63. "lol why do yall keep responding like this"
In response to Reply # 29


  

          

She clearly stated that they were both ok with it beforehand. Just flip the scenario so that it will apply to u lol

BUY SOMETHING PLEASE ---> www.estherwoovintage.com

"people... please refrain from gnr'ing me. im an avid lol'er and am completely fine wit the service."

"I’m just a dreamer,
turned true to life leaner...
Born to do good so others can be believers"

  

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ndibs
Member since Aug 06th 2012
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Wed Oct-23-13 11:38 AM

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73. "i keep saying it..."
In response to Reply # 63
Wed Oct-23-13 11:39 AM by ndibs

          

you can be a wife and mother who wants kids

or

you can be the lonely unhappy cat lady who also wants kids

they haven't even contemplated the idea that women can have a happy and fulfilling life without kids.

THAT is why. You cannot flip the script, because they don't see men like this.

Men get to be individuals.

  

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J_Sun
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84. "don't project that crock of shit on me"
In response to Reply # 73


  

          

I have ZERO problems with a woman who wants to never be married. I have ZERO problems with a woman that never wants to have children. Hell, I'd rather more people (men AND women) were honest with themselves and didn't get married and/or have children if they weren't into it 100% cuz they will just likely make shitty spouses and/or parents.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Sometimes I contemplate moving to a warmer place, then the lake and skyline give me a warm embrace" © Common

  

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ndibs
Member since Aug 06th 2012
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Wed Oct-23-13 11:47 AM

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95. "i'm not talking about you J_Sun."
In response to Reply # 84


          

I'm talking about a lot of the men on this board and in real life.

It looks like she married a guy who didn't take her seriously when she said this is who I am and failed to see her as an individual.

  

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tomjohn29
Member since Oct 18th 2004
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Wed Oct-23-13 11:51 AM

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110. "^^^^^^^^^"
In response to Reply # 84


  

          

i applaud homegirl for knowing what she wants

______________________________________

Navem nu, cuando sol
Tutu nu, vondo nos nu
Vita em, no continous non
Nos nu ekta nos sepe ta, amen

When the sun shades the ship
We sweat and life is not safe
To swim or to touch not
When we unite we hedge amen

  

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GirlChild
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151. "."
In response to Reply # 73
Wed Oct-23-13 01:11 PM by GirlChild

  

          

.

  

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J_Sun
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74. "I can only respond based on my expierience"
In response to Reply # 63


  

          

I cannot even fathom myself not wanting children. Before I met my wife, I was with a girl that was unsure if she ever wanted children... never considered her for marriage (for that and other reasons).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Sometimes I contemplate moving to a warmer place, then the lake and skyline give me a warm embrace" © Common

  

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Mahogany
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Wed Oct-23-13 11:48 AM

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99. "I guess what im saying is why respond at all if thats the case? "
In response to Reply # 74


  

          

Theres a real specific question being asked lol

I dont see what these responses have to do with anything

>I cannot even fathom myself not wanting children. Before I
>met my wife, I was with a girl that was unsure if she ever
>wanted children... never considered her for marriage (for that
>and other reasons).
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>"Sometimes I contemplate moving to a warmer place, then the
>lake and skyline give me a warm embrace" © Common

BUY SOMETHING PLEASE ---> www.estherwoovintage.com

"people... please refrain from gnr'ing me. im an avid lol'er and am completely fine wit the service."

"I’m just a dreamer,
turned true to life leaner...
Born to do good so others can be believers"

  

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tomjohn29
Member since Oct 18th 2004
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Wed Oct-23-13 11:58 AM

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115. "me and my wife wanted kids when we got married"
In response to Reply # 99


  

          

if she changed her mind and said no
im leaving
their would be discussions
me trying to bottle resentment
end of the day that desire is a huge desire
just like six doesnt want children
she seems pretty certain
he isnt
desire for having children isnt a fleeting feeling

______________________________________

Navem nu, cuando sol
Tutu nu, vondo nos nu
Vita em, no continous non
Nos nu ekta nos sepe ta, amen

When the sun shades the ship
We sweat and life is not safe
To swim or to touch not
When we unite we hedge amen

  

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tomjohn29
Member since Oct 18th 2004
16802 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 11:39 AM

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77. "i did...my wife would walk "
In response to Reply # 63


  

          

______________________________________

Navem nu, cuando sol
Tutu nu, vondo nos nu
Vita em, no continous non
Nos nu ekta nos sepe ta, amen

When the sun shades the ship
We sweat and life is not safe
To swim or to touch not
When we unite we hedge amen

  

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illegal
Charter member
78381 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 12:14 PM

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129. "yeah folks are answering a question that wasn't asked."
In response to Reply # 63


          

***
when I come around, they frown
then wanna dap me down
but when I leave?

  

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spades
Member since Mar 22nd 2006
44257 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 11:37 AM

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72. "^"
In response to Reply # 29


  

          

********************************

Get Out The Room!
http://getouttheroom.podomatic.com
@fakewilliamkatt

"You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do!" - Olin Miller

  

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ambient1
Member since May 23rd 2007
41077 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 11:14 AM

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32. "if i signed up for it then i signed up for it...BUT if we got a host of"
In response to Reply # 0
Wed Oct-23-13 11:14 AM by ambient1

  

          

other issues....

i'd be lying if i wouldn't be looking at the front door




but yeah...i am actually NOT married today because someone had a change of heart on this very topic prior to us going there...so i kinda been there deaded that

=======================================
Coolin...

  

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tomjohn29
Member since Oct 18th 2004
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Wed Oct-23-13 11:18 AM

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35. "we wouldnt have been married in the first place"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

there is a man out there for her
but having kids was a requirement for me

______________________________________

Navem nu, cuando sol
Tutu nu, vondo nos nu
Vita em, no continous non
Nos nu ekta nos sepe ta, amen

When the sun shades the ship
We sweat and life is not safe
To swim or to touch not
When we unite we hedge amen

  

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SoWhat
Charter member
154163 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 11:22 AM

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43. "he changed."
In response to Reply # 35


  

          

initially he didn't want kids and she didn't either. but then he changed his mind and she didn't.

now what?

fuck you.

  

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tomjohn29
Member since Oct 18th 2004
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Wed Oct-23-13 11:25 AM

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48. "If it was me...divorce"
In response to Reply # 43


  

          

the desire to have children is not a fleeting feeling
and people evolve and change
i know my wife and if i didnt want to have kid it would be over

______________________________________

Navem nu, cuando sol
Tutu nu, vondo nos nu
Vita em, no continous non
Nos nu ekta nos sepe ta, amen

When the sun shades the ship
We sweat and life is not safe
To swim or to touch not
When we unite we hedge amen

  

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kysersozey
Charter member
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Wed Oct-23-13 04:00 PM

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232. "he has a right to change his mind... if they aren't on the same page"
In response to Reply # 43
Wed Oct-23-13 04:01 PM by kysersozey

  

          

divorce may be the only option

*
*
*

  

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Buddy_Gilapagos
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Wed Oct-23-13 11:25 AM

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49. "I never understood childless couples by choice. "
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

I mean I love my wife to death but we both will admit that after a point what's the point if it's just you two?

I mean I would think about 20 years into you have to be looking at each other like wtf?

You can only grow so much together before there is nothing new left.


**********
"Everyone has a plan until you punch them in the face. Then they don't have a plan anymore." (c) Mike Tyson

  

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sixteenstone
Member since Sep 22nd 2002
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Wed Oct-23-13 11:27 AM

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52. "not everyone needs children to complete them "
In response to Reply # 49


  

          

so I don't judge in that regard

Remember Novemthree's Courage...
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Buddy_Gilapagos
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76. "I can get no children (sort of), I just don't understand monogamous"
In response to Reply # 52


  

          

and no kids.

I know everyone has a vision of a cute little old couple who grow old together and then expire within minutes of each other.

I've never seen any relationship like that that didn't involve having kids.

I have seen a lot of couples who have been together forever who seem to resent each other as more time passes.

The romantics never talk about that elderly couple.


**********
"Everyone has a plan until you punch them in the face. Then they don't have a plan anymore." (c) Mike Tyson

  

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sixteenstone
Member since Sep 22nd 2002
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Wed Oct-23-13 11:41 AM

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80. "being monogamous is not tied to having children"
In response to Reply # 76


  

          

and there are plenty of couple who grow to resent each other after 20 years even if they have children.

Remember Novemthree's Courage...
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spades
Member since Mar 22nd 2006
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Wed Oct-23-13 11:46 AM

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93. "Of course not."
In response to Reply # 80


  

          

*I* don't see the point of it OUTSIDE of rearing children. Keep in mind. I'm weird tho.

********************************

Get Out The Room!
http://getouttheroom.podomatic.com
@fakewilliamkatt

"You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do!" - Olin Miller

  

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spades
Member since Mar 22nd 2006
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Wed Oct-23-13 11:42 AM

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82. "Oh God, you on some othershit w/this."
In response to Reply # 76
Wed Oct-23-13 11:54 AM by spades

  

          

:/ I need to be a lil' more careful about what I'm agreeing too. Dude, you basically just disvalued any relationship that doesn't involve kids.

Did you mean to do that?

********************************

Get Out The Room!
http://getouttheroom.podomatic.com
@fakewilliamkatt

"You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do!" - Olin Miller

  

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Buddy_Gilapagos
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194. "What exactly were you agreeing with?"
In response to Reply # 82


  

          

I am really not trying to disvalue sh*t, I really want to know how do people do it (stay in a 20+ year relationship without kids)? Not a rhetorical question. I'd like to hear.

Because my frame of reference tells me that no matter how much you love each other, how much you share in common or lead an adventurous life together, after a couple of decades together even that can become old. I know a lot of old couples (some are super loving and some resent each other a lot), I've never seen the old loving couple model work without kids (doesn't mean all old couples with kids work).

I don't think saying that is disvaluing any type of relationship. It is really just my observation.

I see this topic though, gets people riled up, so I am not going to press it. Just wanted to clarify where I stand.


>:/ I need to be a lil' more careful about what I'm agreeing
>too. Dude, you basically just disvalued any relationship that
>doesn't involve kids.
>
>Did you mean to do that?


**********
"Everyone has a plan until you punch them in the face. Then they don't have a plan anymore." (c) Mike Tyson

  

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SoWhat
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98. "stfu."
In response to Reply # 76


  

          

damn.

fuck you.

  

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SoWhat
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55. "you don't have to understand everything."
In response to Reply # 49


  

          

you also don't have to voice your ignorance.

keep that shit to yourself. or you and your wife can keep that between you. you can bond over it in secret.

but STFU about it.

fuck you.

  

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Buddy_Gilapagos
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66. "Wait, now it's wrong to share opinions on OKP?"
In response to Reply # 55


  

          

Or an opinion that you don't share?

Who died and made you judge of what opinions are appropriate to share here?


**********
"Everyone has a plan until you punch them in the face. Then they don't have a plan anymore." (c) Mike Tyson

  

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MiracleRic
Member since Oct 21st 2002
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Wed Oct-23-13 11:36 AM

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70. "it is ignorance though"
In response to Reply # 66


  

          

saying you don't understand isn't so much an opinion as much as a judgment out of ignorance and encouraging that to be kept private isn't the same as silencing divergent opinions

Let me sport my Air Hyperbole 2010s in peace. (c) ansomble

Building repetoires (c) spm since 1983

  

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Buddy_Gilapagos
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89. "When I say "I don't understand" I think its clear that I don't know"
In response to Reply # 70


  

          

something. I didn't say childless couples are fucked up and dumb. I just said I don't understand it and explained why I didn't get it.

My question is why is this not an appropriate topic for discussion?

Why folks feeling hurt and lashing out all hit dog?



**********
"Everyone has a plan until you punch them in the face. Then they don't have a plan anymore." (c) Mike Tyson

  

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sixteenstone
Member since Sep 22nd 2002
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Wed Oct-23-13 11:47 AM

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94. "Your comments were judgemental"
In response to Reply # 89


  

          

the very tone of it

Remember Novemthree's Courage...
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Iwasmadeto
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174. "i agree"
In response to Reply # 94


  

          

psst!

  

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SoWhat
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104. "b/c you're the asshole throwing stones "
In response to Reply # 89


  

          

and then acting brand new when the dogs yelp b/c they've been hit.

stfu.

fuck you.

  

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SoWhat
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79. "throwing stones and hiding your hands."
In response to Reply # 66


  

          

yeah, it's insensitive to throw shade on ppl who decide they don't want kids by offering your 'opinion' that you can't understand couples who don't want kids.

you're not this dense and i'm not either. i know that's a judgment. you've judged these ppl's lives and found them lacking. you've found there's something off about them b/c they didn't make a choice you made. there's something lesser about them. you 'can't' understand it!

well, fuck your understanding. you don't have to understand it.

and, btw, that sentiment, if genuine, leads one to conclude that you and your wife only had kids b/c you couldn't think of anything else to do. you weren't creative enough to come up w/another life for yourselves. so you just fell in line. like lemmings. you just did what everybody else does. b/c what is else is one to do???

^ i'm sure that's not who you are. you seem more thoughtful. you're not that dense. so stop acting like it. and keep your judgment to yourself.

fuck you.

  

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teefiveten
Member since Oct 02nd 2008
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Wed Oct-23-13 11:44 AM

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88. ":)"
In response to Reply # 79


  

          

.

*************************************
like.me
http://tinyurl.com/3z8486u

"if the children are not initiated into the village they will burn it down just to feel its warmth." - african proverb

  

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MiracleRic
Member since Oct 21st 2002
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107. "^^^there it is"
In response to Reply # 79


  

          

Let me sport my Air Hyperbole 2010s in peace. (c) ansomble

Building repetoires (c) spm since 1983

  

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spades
Member since Mar 22nd 2006
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Wed Oct-23-13 11:51 AM

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109. "I like this! I'ma remember it."
In response to Reply # 79


  

          

********************************

Get Out The Room!
http://getouttheroom.podomatic.com
@fakewilliamkatt

"You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do!" - Olin Miller

  

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MiQL
Member since Sep 03rd 2002
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Wed Oct-23-13 01:08 PM

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150. "Woot!"
In response to Reply # 79


  

          

  

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Iwasmadeto
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175. "*open mouth kisses you*"
In response to Reply # 79


  

          

psst!

  

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Crucian1
Member since Oct 04th 2002
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Wed Oct-23-13 02:04 PM

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176. "This is why I heart you.....AMEN to all that Sowhat...."
In response to Reply # 79


  

          

  

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Buddy_Gilapagos
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180. "OKP has never been a judgement free zone. "
In response to Reply # 79


  

          

However, I will say despite that I wasn't purposely trolling and wasn't making the statement to purposely offend.

Sure it was a provocative question (again, I didn't think it was that offensive), but the intent was to illicit a serious response because I genuinely wanted to hear the POV.

I also think I tempered the value judgement by acknowledging the deficiencies of traditional family unit (i.e., what's the point if not to have kids?)

So I don't think lesser of couples who have made that choice, I just would like to understand how they arrived at that choice. It's different to me. It's not for me. I don't understand it. But the same goes for being an accountant or veterinarian, I don't think I am better than those folks.

I think you read more hostility and bad faith into the question then was there.



**********
"Everyone has a plan until you punch them in the face. Then they don't have a plan anymore." (c) Mike Tyson

  

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earthqueen
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183. "*golf clap* the breakdown is so thorough "
In response to Reply # 79


  

          

Particularly passage when I think about some of my friends who go about
parenting like math homework.
I've been reading about how women who don't want kids are
seen as selfish, non-womanly, shrews etc, but this is man...I'm out of words.. because you couldn't think of anything.else.to.do.

>and, btw, that sentiment, if genuine, leads one to conclude
>that you and your wife only had kids b/c you couldn't think of
>anything else to do. you weren't creative enough to come up
>w/another life for yourselves. so you just fell in line.
>like lemmings. you just did what everybody else does. b/c
>what is else is one to do???
>

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Donuts Are Forever
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://twitter.com/MyNameIsJamma

  

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Buddy_Gilapagos
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203. "yeah you read a lot into my question which wasn't there. "
In response to Reply # 183


  

          


**********
"Everyone has a plan until you punch them in the face. Then they don't have a plan anymore." (c) Mike Tyson

  

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Kwadwo
Member since Feb 16th 2005
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Thu Oct-24-13 12:29 PM

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420. "Perfect."
In response to Reply # 79


  

          

avi? WO NSA DA MU A

"if your hands are
in the dish"

  

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teefiveten
Member since Oct 02nd 2008
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Wed Oct-23-13 11:36 AM

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69. "Lol"
In response to Reply # 55


  

          

.

*************************************
like.me
http://tinyurl.com/3z8486u

"if the children are not initiated into the village they will burn it down just to feel its warmth." - african proverb

  

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lfresh
Member since Jun 18th 2002
92696 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 11:44 AM

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87. "wait what?"
In response to Reply # 49


  

          


>I mean I would think about 20 years into you have to be
>looking at each other like wtf?
>
>You can only grow so much together before there is nothing new
>left.




you realize thats says more about you and your wife's limitations
that other peoples

only thing new yall can do is have babies

thats as creative as yall are

thats it

nothing else

and when those babies are grown
you plan on dropping dead?

oh no wait those babies then get 'creative'

you sure you dont want to rethink that as the limitation of your potential?
~~~~
When you are born, you cry, and the world rejoices. Live so that when you die, you rejoice, and the world cries.
~~~~
You cannot hate people for their own good.

  

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Buddy_Gilapagos
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222. "Hey yall the ones who see it as a terrible thing. "
In response to Reply # 87


  

          

One of the things my wife and I share in common is that we both grew up in two parent households and we both have very practical realistic ideas of the downside of even "successful marriages".

Even the happiest marriages require a lot of work, sacrifice and a purpose.


You can poo poo that as a pessimistic outlook but I think the same goes for a happy life in general so I think the same applies for a happy marriage.

>
>>I mean I would think about 20 years into you have to be
>>looking at each other like wtf?
>>
>>You can only grow so much together before there is nothing
>new
>>left.
>
>
>you realize thats says more about you and your wife's
>limitations
>that other peoples
>
>only thing new yall can do is have babies
>
>thats as creative as yall are
>
>thats it
>
>nothing else
>
>and when those babies are grown
>you plan on dropping dead?
>
>oh no wait those babies then get 'creative'
>
>you sure you dont want to rethink that as the limitation of
>your potential?
>~~~~
>When you are born, you cry, and the world rejoices. Live so
>that when you die, you rejoice, and the world cries.
>~~~~
>You cannot hate people for their own good.


**********
"Everyone has a plan until you punch them in the face. Then they don't have a plan anymore." (c) Mike Tyson

  

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GirlChild
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Wed Oct-23-13 01:20 PM

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154. "because being married isn't ONLY just about children"
In response to Reply # 49
Wed Oct-23-13 01:22 PM by GirlChild

  

          

starting a family means understanding what family means to both you and your spouse.

we waited a long time to have a child
why? because we both knew we weren't ready
we've been together 11 years and it took 10 of those for us to feel comfortable with our family unit, defining what OUR marriage was before we dragged a little one into the mix.

children don't complete your lives
i love my child with every bit of my heart
he is a living example of our love
but i didn't have to have to child to have a family
my husband is my family and has been my family for 11 yrs now

we've learned so much about each other and we are still learning
our child doesn't define us
he certainly doesn't define me, just as my husband never defined me
i've always been an individual

one of the most irritating aspects of being a woman is people trying to define you through marriage and mothering. as if you are LESS of a person for not having those things. as though you NOT a defined and accomplished person because you are unmarried and childless.

i really resented all of that when i didn't have a child and i still resent it bc ppl come at me for only having one child.

ppl are fucked up with their ideas about marriage and the choice to have children.

are our lives suppose to be incomplete with no room for growth if we don't want or can't have a child?

  

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Buddy_Gilapagos
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210. "What can I say, maybe you have a better marriage than me."
In response to Reply # 154


  

          

We love each other. That's my best friend, road dog, drinking buddy, favorite person to go to the club with, and stay home and watch movies with, gossip with, talk shit about people with, .

And it was like this for the decade before we had kids, but I think we would both tell you that all of that has been prelude and our purpose has been defined by having children.

No being married isn't ONLY just about children, but our kids abso-fucking-lutely completes our lives (It's weird that you would say "children don't complete your lives". How you gonna tell me what should or not should not complete our lives? Didn't folks jump all over me for imposing my values on others?).

Now maybe you can envision spending 50+ years with one person without kids in the mix and that's great. good for you. Maybe that means yall are in a better relationship than ours since me and my wife will both admit that's hards to envision.

I think it's hard for us to envision because we are both independent pragmatic and realistic individuals who recognize we are constantly changing and evolving and are both uncertain that changing and evolution won't involve us growing apart. However, I don't think we worry about because we are so devoted to the common enterprise of our family.

Our children make our relationship stronger, you might view that as a sign of weakness of the relationship, but you know, that's cool.



>starting a family means understanding what family means to
>both you and your spouse.
>
>we waited a long time to have a child
>why? because we both knew we weren't ready
>we've been together 11 years and it took 10 of those for us to
>feel comfortable with our family unit, defining what OUR
>marriage was before we dragged a little one into the mix.
>
>children don't complete your lives
>i love my child with every bit of my heart
>he is a living example of our love
>but i didn't have to have to child to have a family
>my husband is my family and has been my family for 11 yrs now
>
>we've learned so much about each other and we are still
>learning
>our child doesn't define us
>he certainly doesn't define me, just as my husband never
>defined me
>i've always been an individual
>
>one of the most irritating aspects of being a woman is people
>trying to define you through marriage and mothering. as if you
>are LESS of a person for not having those things. as though
>you NOT a defined and accomplished person because you are
>unmarried and childless.
>
>i really resented all of that when i didn't have a child and i
>still resent it bc ppl come at me for only having one child.
>
>ppl are fucked up with their ideas about marriage and the
>choice to have children.
>
>are our lives suppose to be incomplete with no room for growth
>if we don't want or can't have a child?
>
>


**********
"Everyone has a plan until you punch them in the face. Then they don't have a plan anymore." (c) Mike Tyson

  

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bloocollar
Member since Aug 14th 2008
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Wed Oct-23-13 03:48 PM

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229. "never be honest on okp Buddy"
In response to Reply # 210


          

  

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blkprinceMD05
Member since Nov 29th 2004
41323 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 04:16 PM

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248. "theres nothing wrong with ur life, just recognize there is nothing"
In response to Reply # 210


  

          

wrong with a str8 married couple who doesnt have kids either, and speak and write accordingly

now u end here kinda defending ur life, not necessary

prototype

stand ur ground, believe in urself,
believe in love, prepare urself for love, remove the negativity from ur life, and accept the love u kno u deserve

  

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GirlChild
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369. "don't be dense"
In response to Reply # 210


  

          

you know exactly what i was saying and none of that wasn't specifically directed towards your marriage. i don't even know you.

but to act like children are the end all be all of a marriage is ridiculous.

our child has made our relationship stronger but it hasn't defined us as individuals.

we are more than just parents

  

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Binlahab
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Wed Oct-23-13 11:28 AM

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53. "i hope OKP is still around in 30 years"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

so i can see what the day to day of koku, ndibs & the rest of the 'i hate kids!' contingent life is like


does it even matter?

  

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SoWhat
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Wed Oct-23-13 11:31 AM

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56. "as if they're the 1st set of women to decide not to have kids."
In response to Reply # 53


  

          

you wanna see that life on OKP b/c you wanna act brand new, then ask janey.

fuck you.

  

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Binlahab
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Wed Oct-23-13 11:33 AM

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61. "janey did i thought...but couldnt. i thought."
In response to Reply # 56


  

          

or she was a nun or some shit.

i dunno.


does it even matter?

  

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SoWhat
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Wed Oct-23-13 11:36 AM

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68. "nope."
In response to Reply # 61


  

          

no kids, no desire for kids. i believe she's aged 50+.

and she's not the first woman who ever decided she didn't want kids.

stop acting brand new.

there are plenty women around the world who want kids and have kids. there is nothing wrong w/any woman deciding she doesn't want to have kids. the sky will not fall. the world will keep turning.

fuck you.

  

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sixteenstone
Member since Sep 22nd 2002
27996 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 11:38 AM

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75. "some men believe that's what we are here for, sole purpose"
In response to Reply # 68


  

          

Remember Novemthree's Courage...
visit on the web:www.16stonevintage.com
like on facebook: https://www.facebook.com/16stonevintage
follow on instagram: http://instagram.com/sixteenstone http://instagram.com/vintageblkmags/

  

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SoWhat
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Wed Oct-23-13 11:41 AM

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81. "you know?"
In response to Reply # 75


  

          

as the hell if.

fuck you.

  

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spades
Member since Mar 22nd 2006
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Wed Oct-23-13 11:44 AM

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86. "I don't think that's a fair comment."
In response to Reply # 75
Wed Oct-23-13 11:49 AM by spades

  

          

Sometimes it ain't about you 'fulfilling your role' Men be wanting kids too. If a women isn't willing to do that, then we're incompatible. That doesn't make me a chauvinist. It makes me emotionally honest. Now in YOUR example; dude fucked up becuase he didn't know himself well enough to make that commitment.

OR

He did and he changed, which happens, ppl change. Either way, he should leave, because he's not going to be happy.

********************************

Get Out The Room!
http://getouttheroom.podomatic.com
@fakewilliamkatt

"You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do!" - Olin Miller

  

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sixteenstone
Member since Sep 22nd 2002
27996 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 11:46 AM

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91. "that's why I said "some men" and a lot do think like that"
In response to Reply # 86


  

          

Remember Novemthree's Courage...
visit on the web:www.16stonevintage.com
like on facebook: https://www.facebook.com/16stonevintage
follow on instagram: http://instagram.com/sixteenstone http://instagram.com/vintageblkmags/

  

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teefiveten
Member since Oct 02nd 2008
33019 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 11:49 AM

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100. "Anecdotally yes"
In response to Reply # 91


  

          

I tell ppl I don't really care to have kids they look at me crazy
Or they say something dumb like I have no ability or desire to care for people

Like the only way to do that is by having kids
Like what I do day in and day out at work trying to help people doesn't count

*************************************
like.me
http://tinyurl.com/3z8486u

"if the children are not initiated into the village they will burn it down just to feel its warmth." - african proverb

  

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Iwasmadeto
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Wed Oct-23-13 02:04 PM

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177. "as if we havent been actually raising and nurturing kids all this time! "
In response to Reply # 100


  

          

psst!

  

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sixteenstone
Member since Sep 22nd 2002
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Wed Oct-23-13 02:14 PM

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184. "I helped raise 4 kids that were really close to me"
In response to Reply # 177


  

          

the one I gave up lots of normal teen things I could have been doing, is now 16 years old.
One the weekends I should have been going to the movies and the mall. But some days I couldn't.
I don't regret any of that. He was my heart and my family. He was only my cousin, but he has a huge place in my heart.

Remember Novemthree's Courage...
visit on the web:www.16stonevintage.com
like on facebook: https://www.facebook.com/16stonevintage
follow on instagram: http://instagram.com/sixteenstone http://instagram.com/vintageblkmags/

  

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Iwasmadeto
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191. "a weird thing...most of the kids in my family wish i was their mom. "
In response to Reply # 184


  

          

lol

take that naysayers! ive put in nearly as much work without pushing one out

psst!

  

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lfresh
Member since Jun 18th 2002
92696 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 11:46 AM

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92. "looking at green"
In response to Reply # 86


  

          

>Sometimes it ain't about you 'fulfilling your role' Men be
>wanting kids too.



wanting them and not wanting to actually raise them

*judges*

~~~~
When you are born, you cry, and the world rejoices. Live so that when you die, you rejoice, and the world cries.
~~~~
You cannot hate people for their own good.

  

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spades
Member since Mar 22nd 2006
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Wed Oct-23-13 11:50 AM

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105. "That's 2 votes. "
In response to Reply # 92


  

          

and I choose to believe (perhaps naively) that they are tongue-in-cheek.

********************************

Get Out The Room!
http://getouttheroom.podomatic.com
@fakewilliamkatt

"You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do!" - Olin Miller

  

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lfresh
Member since Jun 18th 2002
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127. "2 too many"
In response to Reply # 105


  

          

dont mind me
i know it happens

but ugh
~~~~
When you are born, you cry, and the world rejoices. Live so that when you die, you rejoice, and the world cries.
~~~~
You cannot hate people for their own good.

  

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MiracleRic
Member since Oct 21st 2002
45200 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 01:25 PM

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157. "why wouldn't they raise them?"
In response to Reply # 92


  

          

Let me sport my Air Hyperbole 2010s in peace. (c) ansomble

Building repetoires (c) spm since 1983

  

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GirlChild
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159. "yeah but some dudes think we are baby machines"
In response to Reply # 86


  

          

i had one dude who was like, why are you complaining about morning sickness, isn't your body built for that?

like some mean, no matter how sympathetic, just don't understand what having a child entails. it's not just about changing diapers or spending mad money.

it's some real physical shit your body goes though
yes women have been doing it for centuries, but that doesn't lessen the toll it takes on your body.

  

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Binlahab
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Wed Oct-23-13 12:00 PM

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116. "*guilty as charged*"
In response to Reply # 75


  

          

shit that IS what you here for! i cant do it. hello mcfly. ill be the dickhead then

im not talking abt those who want em & cant for whatever reason.

im talking abt those that CAN...& decide they dont want to. for WHATEVER reason.

because by & large when you get down to the WHY, it is selfish.

YUP! under the bus w/ ye! i said it.

if this shoe dont fit you, dont walk in it but if it does, run.

the majority of women ive heard who say any variation of "i have never & will never have children" feel this way because they want their life to be...abt them. FOREVER.

i dont WANT the responsibility! they say

i like my life exactly how it is, nobody to worry abt or concern myself w/ BUT me. they say.

i like my titties to sit up not droop! they say.

COOL!

now. ffwd that. past the roaring 20s when youre young & tight & the hot girl in the club.

past the 30s when your girlfriends (silly girls) get pregnant & start spitting kids out.

past the 40s when your career is starting to get NICE & level. making that MONEY! couch is comfy as shit. house is clean. ALLLL the food you like & want.

whats it like now? you get off & go home...and do what? in your beautiful home, w/ the super huge tv or stereo?

when you wanna socialize you dont have to sweat babysitters or sick days or none of that! COOL! sounds awesome.

day after day after day after day.

the man you with wants kids? FUCK HIM. he can leave. there will be more.

day after day. into years.

now we in our 50s. house...still beautiful. food. bank account is SWOLE.

what do we do now? what is our LIFE abt...now?

our possessions? our experiences? what havent you done? what HAVENT you seen, 50 yr old career woman?

day after day after day after day.

your friends? they got their own lives & families. they'd LOVE to party but they gotta be home by 12. their kids LOVE you! call you auntie. and then

you go. home. where its nice and quiet.

nobody around.

when you get sick? who comes over to take care of you? not no bastard ass kids.

you got a raise! who to celebrate with! maybe the cats care.

i know! lets go buy a CAR!

maybe you volunteer & devote your life to others. im sure that happens ALLLLL the time.


does it even matter?

  

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sixteenstone
Member since Sep 22nd 2002
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Wed Oct-23-13 12:06 PM

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119. "I already knew you felt this way"
In response to Reply # 116


  

          

all that other stuff you wrote is just blah blah blah to me. none of that is my reasons for not wanting a child. I'm not worried about being alone either.

Remember Novemthree's Courage...
visit on the web:www.16stonevintage.com
like on facebook: https://www.facebook.com/16stonevintage
follow on instagram: http://instagram.com/sixteenstone http://instagram.com/vintageblkmags/

  

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Binlahab
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121. "WHOA!!! is this abt your situation?!"
In response to Reply # 119


  

          

never mind because im actually rooting for yall, i love black love


does it even matter?

  

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Koku
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Wed Oct-23-13 04:02 PM

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234. "smh "
In response to Reply # 121


  

          

---

@kokupuff

  

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blkprinceMD05
Member since Nov 29th 2004
41323 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 05:14 PM

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299. "oh good grief"
In response to Reply # 121


  

          

prototype

stand ur ground, believe in urself,
believe in love, prepare urself for love, remove the negativity from ur life, and accept the love u kno u deserve

  

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Binlahab
Charter member
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388. "what?! yall act like im a genius or something"
In response to Reply # 299


  

          

how the hell was i supposed to know....?

  

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ndibs
Member since Aug 06th 2012
12715 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 01:11 PM

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152. "that's that good fear based thinking... oh you'll be alone..."
In response to Reply # 116


          

blah blah.. i don't let fear rule my life or decision making process.

no way to live.

  

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CyrenYoung
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Wed Oct-23-13 09:38 PM

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380. "isn't it obvious?.."
In response to Reply # 116


  

          

..what will they do later in life once they're middle-aged or beyond?

once they have all the trappings & trimmings of a successful life, complete with career, travel, & $$$??

having lived such a completely successful & fulfilling life, it seems quite obvious what anyone in that position would do:

keep being happy, doing whatever it is that truly makes them happy.


*skatin' the rings of saturn*

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=B7E8dge7H8Y


..and miles to go before i sleep...

  

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Binlahab
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Wed Oct-23-13 11:49 AM

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102. "no shit they exist. i wanna see em @ 50. like i said."
In response to Reply # 68


  

          

thanksgiving is off the hook im sure.

xmas too.

birthdays full of drinking wine by themselves & working 12-14 hrs a day. tight work. sounds awesome.


does it even matter?

  

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SoWhat
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Wed Oct-23-13 11:50 AM

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106. "ask janey."
In response to Reply # 102


  

          

fuck you.

  

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Binlahab
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117. "i aint asking janey shit but anal sex tips. "
In response to Reply # 106


  

          

is there a janey bat signal? fuck asking janey. shit


does it even matter?

  

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janey
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Wed Oct-23-13 01:12 PM

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153. "I never really wanted children"
In response to Reply # 117


  

          

I like kids & kids like me, but I never wanted any of my own. I considered it a time or two in the context of relationships, but in each case I was like, if we do, you have to be the primary caretaker.

Here's what I say when people suggest that a woman who has never wanted kids will "change her mind" down the road: From the time I realized it was optional, I never wanted them. What if, after ~30 years of not wanting kids, I suddenly thought "OMG IF I DON'T DO IT NOW, I'LL NEVER HAVE THE OPTION AGAIN" and got pregnant? Which is the more considered opinion? Which is the more lasting decision? Which decision do you usually regret -- the one you thought about for a long time, or the one you made in haste?

When I first talked to the gyn to whom my pcp referred me, she asked why I wanted a ligation. I told her, briefly, and she said, "That's the most clear and logical answer I've ever heard." I still remember walking back to the office after that appointment. I realized that I had been taken utterly seriously on this point for the first time in my life, and damn it felt good. I have agency and I have intelligence, and it's very nice to have that acknowledged.

Do I regret it? Never.


~ ~ ~
All meetings end in separation
All acquisition ends in dispersion
All life ends in death
- The Buddha

|\_/|
='_'=

Every hundred years, all new people

  

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SuiteLady
Member since Oct 19th 2004
16194 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 03:45 PM

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228. "what did you tell her?"
In response to Reply # 153


  

          

♥ Inescapably Me ♥

"Love is never any better than the lover" Toni Morrison (The Bluest Eye)

  

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janey
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Wed Oct-23-13 05:43 PM

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321. "RE: what did you tell her?"
In response to Reply # 228


  

          

I made these points:
1. I have never wanted children.
2. I am 36.
3. I just ended a relationship.
4. I know that I would never marry someone unless I had known him for several years at least.
5. That means that we're talking about 40 at the *earliest* for marriage and then of course I would want a few years before children anyway, so I'm timed out.
6. But that doesn't mean that I'm not still fertile, and I am tired of using temporary hormonal measures.
7. But anyway, I've never wanted children.



~ ~ ~
All meetings end in separation
All acquisition ends in dispersion
All life ends in death
- The Buddha

|\_/|
='_'=

Every hundred years, all new people

  

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SuiteLady
Member since Oct 19th 2004
16194 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 07:13 PM

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361. "thanks for sharing those "
In response to Reply # 321


  

          

♥ Inescapably Me ♥

"Love is never any better than the lover" Toni Morrison (The Bluest Eye)

  

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teefiveten
Member since Oct 02nd 2008
33019 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 11:57 AM

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114. "My boss is 50+ and childless "
In response to Reply # 102
Wed Oct-23-13 11:59 AM by teefiveten

  

          

I don't know if she couldn't have them or didn't want them
8-10 hour days
Has a husband and she's a kick ass aunt
She has family all over the US. Her vacations are either to Europe where she can speak multiple languages (she practices often)
Or visits her fam

Her life seems pretty damn awesome to me
She's always reading and learning
Going to movies and shows with her husband
Helping her nephews
Extremely well respected on our field
She's really one of the most intelligent and quick witted people I've met in my life

*************************************
like.me
http://tinyurl.com/3z8486u

"if the children are not initiated into the village they will burn it down just to feel its warmth." - african proverb

  

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Binlahab
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120. "her life seems AWESOME!was her childlessness the catalyst?"
In response to Reply # 114


  

          

instead of having kids, did she devote that time and energy to herself her career?

whats the key word in there? what keeps coming up? whose it ALLLLL about?

i rest my case

  

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teefiveten
Member since Oct 02nd 2008
33019 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 12:11 PM

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128. "It may have been but to say their life will be hard and lonely "
In response to Reply # 120
Wed Oct-23-13 12:13 PM by teefiveten

  

          

Isn't accurate

Whether or not you have kids doesn't determine if your life will be shitty or not
You described a pretty sad life which could befall a 50 year old with or without kids


You wanted to see a positive example of a childless 50 year old
I gave you one

Then again sowhat offered you one and you rejected it so it's good to see you continue to feel you're right despite being given the information you wanted that might have changed your view

*************************************
like.me
http://tinyurl.com/3z8486u

"if the children are not initiated into the village they will burn it down just to feel its warmth." - african proverb

  

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sixteenstone
Member since Sep 22nd 2002
27996 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 12:15 PM

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131. "that's my problem with it, is that attitude that it's wrong"
In response to Reply # 128


  

          

not to want or to have children. That without a child, your life means nothing.

Remember Novemthree's Courage...
visit on the web:www.16stonevintage.com
like on facebook: https://www.facebook.com/16stonevintage
follow on instagram: http://instagram.com/sixteenstone http://instagram.com/vintageblkmags/

  

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teefiveten
Member since Oct 02nd 2008
33019 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 12:24 PM

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137. "Yup. My mom told me I've done nothing with my life"
In response to Reply # 131


  

          

After telling her another friend is married/expecting

She got an earful from me

It's sadder b/c she didn't even raise me to be trying to be married with kids

She raised me to live life as I see fit and be happy and help people

*************************************
like.me
http://tinyurl.com/3z8486u

"if the children are not initiated into the village they will burn it down just to feel its warmth." - african proverb

  

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Koku
Charter member
71257 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 04:20 PM

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251. "no one ever thought i'd be a mom."
In response to Reply # 137


  

          

my mom doesn't even question it.

---

@kokupuff

  

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Binlahab
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Wed Oct-23-13 12:28 PM

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139. "reading comprehension took a L "
In response to Reply # 128


  

          

where did i say i wanted to see a positive example of a childless person?

i said i wanted to see what yalls lives are like in 20-30 yrs

miss me w/ the binary shit, either/or shit. can you be "happy" or "positive" w/o kids or money or hell anything? sure! is that what you think im saying?

never mind


does it even matter?

  

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GirlChild
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Wed Oct-23-13 01:33 PM

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160. "having kids is 1000 x more selfish"
In response to Reply # 120


  

          

  

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Binlahab
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166. "youre on drugs. nm"
In response to Reply # 160


  

          


does it even matter?

  

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GirlChild
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56000 posts
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168. "nah son, you are"
In response to Reply # 166


  

          

procreating so you can leave a legacy?
that's MAD selfish

  

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Iwasmadeto
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Wed Oct-23-13 02:07 PM

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178. "reoccurring theme!"
In response to Reply # 168


  

          

psst!

  

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MiracleRic
Member since Oct 21st 2002
45200 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 03:45 PM

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227. "i actually agree"
In response to Reply # 168


  

          

Let me sport my Air Hyperbole 2010s in peace. (c) ansomble

Building repetoires (c) spm since 1983

  

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teefiveten
Member since Oct 02nd 2008
33019 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 12:08 PM

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123. "Another coworker is childless"
In response to Reply # 114


  

          

She raised her siblings though

She's not 50. She actually may be but she's Latina and flawless
House upstate, loves her job
Surrounded by family
She's definitely a "brighten the room" type

I dunno I have a few more examples
Maybe it's b/c of the line of work but none of them are lacking for family and companionship

Lol if anything I'm the most worrisome. No companion no kids

*************************************
like.me
http://tinyurl.com/3z8486u

"if the children are not initiated into the village they will burn it down just to feel its warmth." - african proverb

  

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SoWhat
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154163 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 12:10 PM

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126. "My coworker has been with her husband for 15 yrs, childless."
In response to Reply # 114


  

          

They're constantly traveling. She loves to cook and so does he. They're both into fitness. They read. They go to concerts. They have pretty full lives without kids. They don't want kids. This week they are babysitting their young nephews. They like kids but don't want any of their own.

fuck you.

  

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janey
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Wed Oct-23-13 01:06 PM

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149. "I had a tubal ligation at 36"
In response to Reply # 61


  

          

after I was a postulant in a monastery at 29.

Keep yer fax straight, buddy!

~ ~ ~
All meetings end in separation
All acquisition ends in dispersion
All life ends in death
- The Buddha

|\_/|
='_'=

Every hundred years, all new people

  

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Mahogany
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56697 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 12:05 PM

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118. "my God mom never had kids"
In response to Reply # 53
Wed Oct-23-13 12:06 PM by Mahogany

  

          

Shes an accomplished woman...prolly damn near 70 now. Her home is fabolous...all white everything lol

she spent her life learning, traveling...living period and has had an amazing life. More amazing than most. She's actually one of the most fulfilled people I know. One of the few people I look up to

Like its really not that serious lol

hell my other God mom had kids and is also an ex fiend...clearly the shit isnt a automatic pass to having a wonderful life or some shit like that

BUY SOMETHING PLEASE ---> www.estherwoovintage.com

"people... please refrain from gnr'ing me. im an avid lol'er and am completely fine wit the service."

"I’m just a dreamer,
turned true to life leaner...
Born to do good so others can be believers"

  

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sixteenstone
Member since Sep 22nd 2002
27996 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 12:08 PM

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124. "people hold children and marriage up as the only way to be happy"
In response to Reply # 118


  

          

it doesn't matter what you accomplish, without those things you can't truly be happy.
even though a lot of married people with children are miserable as fuck.

Remember Novemthree's Courage...
visit on the web:www.16stonevintage.com
like on facebook: https://www.facebook.com/16stonevintage
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Binlahab
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Wed Oct-23-13 12:17 PM

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132. "the concept of "happy" is some childish shit. having kids"
In response to Reply # 124


  

          

dont make you "happy"

but it CAN. key word. CAN. make you satisfied.

unlike any other situation.

youre a business owner. lets say your business becomes the next apple. you are a fucking gajillionaire. you have more money than king midas. ANYthing. ANYTHING you can imagine to do or buy or experience you CAN!

& you can bring everyone you love, everyone you know, foot the bill, forever!

day after day after day of doing NOTHING but whatever you want!

do you imagine *that* would make you "happy"?

would it make you satisfied? would you be settled? secure? comfortable? when youre old would you look back on a lifetime of everything & think man! THATS my legacy!

all my...stuff. all the trips! all the things! thats what i have done!

& then you die.

& who profits from your life led? who remembers you? and how? what do you leave behind? when the ppl leave your funeral and slap the dirt from your grave off their hands...in whose memory will you live? what are you leaving behind?

things. nothing but...things.

i submit that will never make ANYONE happy. much less...satisfied.

now compare that to a poor single mother who struggled to raise her 1 kid. she sees that kid graduate high school & become a good person as an adult.

i submit...that mother feels a level of satisfaction you, w/ ALLL the money, w/ ALLL the material things...simply cannot. that mother knows when she passes...her living served a purpose MUCH greater than just...her accumulation of things.

*shrug*

this isnt aimed @ you so much as the mentality but...whatever


does it even matter?

  

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sixteenstone
Member since Sep 22nd 2002
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Wed Oct-23-13 12:21 PM

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136. "everyone does not feel a need to leave a legacy on this earth"
In response to Reply # 132


  

          

that is certainly an even more selfish way to look at things.
have a kid so I can pass on my money and things to? huh?!
some may find satisfaction in children, I'm not one of them.

Remember Novemthree's Courage...
visit on the web:www.16stonevintage.com
like on facebook: https://www.facebook.com/16stonevintage
follow on instagram: http://instagram.com/sixteenstone http://instagram.com/vintageblkmags/

  

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teefiveten
Member since Oct 02nd 2008
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Wed Oct-23-13 12:26 PM

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138. "Other ways to leave legacy"
In response to Reply # 136
Wed Oct-23-13 12:27 PM by teefiveten

  

          

I've done things in life that provide good for people and will last longer than my life

Girl you've been on TV and in movies
Who's to say what else can be in store down the road
That's documented. That's legacy.

*************************************
like.me
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"if the children are not initiated into the village they will burn it down just to feel its warmth." - african proverb

  

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self_ish
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Wed Oct-23-13 12:56 PM

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146. "Exactly!! There is/wiil be plenty of proof of her existence without kids..."
In response to Reply # 138


          

>Girl you've been on TV and in movies
>Who's to say what else can be in store down the road
>That's documented. That's legacy.

  

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Binlahab
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Wed Oct-23-13 12:30 PM

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140. "actual facts. god bless you"
In response to Reply # 136


  

          

i sincerely hope your life is everything you ever dreamed it could be, for real, whether you never have kids or have a million of em


does it even matter?

  

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ndibs
Member since Aug 06th 2012
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Wed Oct-23-13 09:38 PM

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379. "Why is the concept of happy childish... ?"
In response to Reply # 132


          

.....And if it is, isn't the idea that he needs kids to be happy childish?

  

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SoWhat
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Wed Oct-23-13 12:18 PM

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133. "Or the only way to be altruistic."
In response to Reply # 124


  

          

As if getting married and having kids is the only way one can care for others.

fuck you.

  

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ndibs
Member since Aug 06th 2012
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Wed Oct-23-13 12:19 PM

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134. "RE: Or the only way to be altruistic."
In response to Reply # 133


          

>As if getting married and having kids is the only way one can
>care for others.

ot have a family or kids in our life.

  

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Koku
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249. "i don't hate kids at all."
In response to Reply # 53


  

          

i love them, but i don't want them, and there are plenty
around me at all times.

i'm the person patient enough to read to
my neighbors' children, play w/them outside, and
remain calm and patient while they draw on me or
try to do my hair or something.

this really isn't about hating kids at all. there are plenty
kids in this world who will feel like i had some hand
in rearing them, or affecting their existence.

i'll eat thanksgiving with their families.
i just don't want to be a mom.

---

@kokupuff

  

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SeV
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50209 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 11:33 AM

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58. "unless it was a medical issue i'd have to get gone."
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

hard to answer it cause i cant see myself even taking to that level with a chik who aint want kids.

but if i changed my mind and she still didnt

how can u keep that resentment at bay?

that shyt just goin to keep building and eventually turn into hatred.

i'd rather throw in the towel before it gets to that point.


____________

Dallas Heatvricks BACK 2 BACK CHAMPS!!

  

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spades
Member since Mar 22nd 2006
44257 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 11:33 AM

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60. "I totally read this wrong. "
In response to Reply # 0
Wed Oct-23-13 11:36 AM by spades

  

          

This seems like you just picked wrong. Leave it you want, but be honest. You picked wrong. She's not at fault, you are.

********************************

Get Out The Room!
http://getouttheroom.podomatic.com
@fakewilliamkatt

"You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do!" - Olin Miller

  

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sixteenstone
Member since Sep 22nd 2002
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Wed Oct-23-13 11:37 AM

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71. "you read wrong again, lol"
In response to Reply # 60


  

          

Remember Novemthree's Courage...
visit on the web:www.16stonevintage.com
like on facebook: https://www.facebook.com/16stonevintage
follow on instagram: http://instagram.com/sixteenstone http://instagram.com/vintageblkmags/

  

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spades
Member since Mar 22nd 2006
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Wed Oct-23-13 11:39 AM

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78. "I didn't mean you, personally."
In response to Reply # 71


  

          

********************************

Get Out The Room!
http://getouttheroom.podomatic.com
@fakewilliamkatt

"You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do!" - Olin Miller

  

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spades
Member since Mar 22nd 2006
44257 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 11:33 AM

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62. "nevermind."
In response to Reply # 0
Wed Oct-23-13 11:35 AM by spades

  

          

...

********************************

Get Out The Room!
http://getouttheroom.podomatic.com
@fakewilliamkatt

"You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do!" - Olin Miller

  

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teefiveten
Member since Oct 02nd 2008
33019 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 11:43 AM

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85. "Would you leave if you felt that much pressure to "
In response to Reply # 0
Wed Oct-23-13 11:44 AM by teefiveten

  

          

do something you didn't and continue to not want to do?

It's unfair but we want what we want, right?
I always said I didn't want kids
I never think about kids and I was never really talking marriage with anyone
I definitely have no desire for kids but if I got married maybe I'd change my mind
Maybe he thought that would happen which is dumb and unfair

But we do change and sometimes those changes tear us apart

*************************************
like.me
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"if the children are not initiated into the village they will burn it down just to feel its warmth." - african proverb

  

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lfresh
Member since Jun 18th 2002
92696 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 11:47 AM

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97. "i dont blame dudes for leaving"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

thats green option though
i'm judging
hard

people do change it happens
this is a no fault situation
~~~~
When you are born, you cry, and the world rejoices. Live so that when you die, you rejoice, and the world cries.
~~~~
You cannot hate people for their own good.

  

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sixteenstone
Member since Sep 22nd 2002
27996 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 11:49 AM

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103. "unfortunately the green option happens though"
In response to Reply # 97


  

          

Remember Novemthree's Courage...
visit on the web:www.16stonevintage.com
like on facebook: https://www.facebook.com/16stonevintage
follow on instagram: http://instagram.com/sixteenstone http://instagram.com/vintageblkmags/

  

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lfresh
Member since Jun 18th 2002
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Wed Oct-23-13 12:10 PM

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125. "i'm mad just thinking about it"
In response to Reply # 103


  

          

shoot im positive they can find a woman willing to let them have the child


but nah just knock someone up and let them take care of it

ugh ugh UGH
~~~~
When you are born, you cry, and the world rejoices. Live so that when you die, you rejoice, and the world cries.
~~~~
You cannot hate people for their own good.

  

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teefiveten
Member since Oct 02nd 2008
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Wed Oct-23-13 11:51 AM

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108. "Yeah it's no ones fault"
In response to Reply # 97


  

          

It's just unfortunate
But we love to blame someone lol

*************************************
like.me
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"if the children are not initiated into the village they will burn it down just to feel its warmth." - african proverb

  

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SoWhat
Charter member
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Wed Oct-23-13 11:57 AM

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113. "no fault - i agree."
In response to Reply # 97


  

          

fuck you.

  

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ndibs
Member since Aug 06th 2012
12715 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 12:56 PM

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145. "i do. she was clear about who she was"
In response to Reply # 97
Wed Oct-23-13 01:01 PM by ndibs

          

and what she wanted out of life.

now it's really irrelevant who's fault it is though.

because they both have a problem.

i'd go sit in a therapist chair for awhile and figure out what i wanted to do to solve it...

divorce or decide i could be happy having kids or leave and see if he comes back.

  

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labcoat
Member since Jun 15th 2006
14585 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 01:30 PM

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158. "me either"
In response to Reply # 97


          

--------------
Daren, I'll never forget you
http://www.fayemurman.com/extras/magee/daren/

  

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blkprinceMD05
Member since Nov 29th 2004
41323 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 01:36 PM

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161. "eeeh there is some fault, wife said upfront and hubby agreed"
In response to Reply # 97


  

          

he kinda betrayed that cause im sure she thought that issue was dead and squashed when they talked about it pre marriage

u can be sympathtic to the hubby but he did go back on his word and the agreement he made with the wife

prototype

stand ur ground, believe in urself,
believe in love, prepare urself for love, remove the negativity from ur life, and accept the love u kno u deserve

  

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teefiveten
Member since Oct 02nd 2008
33019 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 01:40 PM

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162. "I don't think he intentionally did that"
In response to Reply # 161


  

          

His desires changed. It happens
He couldn't promise to not ever want kids an more than she could but at the time he was with it

He can't be blamed for feeling differently. It happens

*************************************
like.me
http://tinyurl.com/3z8486u

"if the children are not initiated into the village they will burn it down just to feel its warmth." - african proverb

  

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blkprinceMD05
Member since Nov 29th 2004
41323 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 01:50 PM

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171. "oh i didnt say he did....she can still feel betrayed by the switch up"
In response to Reply # 162


  

          

just as if he were to fall out of love with her after a year of marriage

its not intential, it happens but its still gonna be devastating to other person

there is fault cause she could say he shoulda known that going in

prototype

stand ur ground, believe in urself,
believe in love, prepare urself for love, remove the negativity from ur life, and accept the love u kno u deserve

  

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SoWhat
Charter member
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Wed Oct-23-13 01:41 PM

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164. "ppl change."
In response to Reply # 161


  

          

it's part of life. it's part of marriage. married spouses just have to hope they can weather the changes and that as they grow they grow together and not apart.

fuck you.

  

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teefiveten
Member since Oct 02nd 2008
33019 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 01:45 PM

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165. ":) yup"
In response to Reply # 164


  

          

.

*************************************
like.me
http://tinyurl.com/3z8486u

"if the children are not initiated into the village they will burn it down just to feel its warmth." - african proverb

  

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labcoat
Member since Jun 15th 2006
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Wed Oct-23-13 01:49 PM

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169. "i agree"
In response to Reply # 164


          

--------------
Daren, I'll never forget you
http://www.fayemurman.com/extras/magee/daren/

  

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blkprinceMD05
Member since Nov 29th 2004
41323 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 01:54 PM

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172. "yea definitely, one spouse changing their mind still aint fair to the"
In response to Reply # 164


  

          

other, thats why marriage is such a heavy thing u dont go into lightly, im sorry i dont think some goes into a marriage with one of the agreements being no kids then just wakes up one day and says u know i do want kids

if there is ANY possibility u want kids u should marry someone AT LEAST marginally on board with that

so yea theres some fault...again the husband shouldnt be attacked but thats certain a raw deal for the wife

prototype

stand ur ground, believe in urself,
believe in love, prepare urself for love, remove the negativity from ur life, and accept the love u kno u deserve

  

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SoWhat
Charter member
154163 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 02:31 PM

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189. "even if it his 'fault' - so what?"
In response to Reply # 172


  

          

it's useless to assign fault and blame here. this happens. it's life. it's sad for both parties and there's no good outcome.

fuck you.

  

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blkprinceMD05
Member since Nov 29th 2004
41323 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 02:36 PM

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192. "ur right, ppl co-signing no fault no fault just annoyed me"
In response to Reply # 189


  

          

im more sympathetic to the wife in this situation and thinking about how she would feel

prototype

stand ur ground, believe in urself,
believe in love, prepare urself for love, remove the negativity from ur life, and accept the love u kno u deserve

  

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SoWhat
Charter member
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Wed Oct-23-13 02:38 PM

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196. "i'm w/you on that."
In response to Reply # 192


  

          

i feel for the wife.

fuck you.

  

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Koku
Charter member
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Wed Oct-23-13 04:20 PM

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252. "yes me too. it's really awful."
In response to Reply # 192


  

          

---

@kokupuff

  

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unfukwitable
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Wed Oct-23-13 11:49 AM

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101. "I would leave "
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

because staying and resenting her for not having a family would be far worse. Every time I saw a child i would look at her sideways.

======================================
http://www.flickr.com/photos/tade/

  

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illegal
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78381 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 11:53 AM

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111. "to be clear, i think the previous agreement is a BIG DEAL"
In response to Reply # 0


          

but, understanding parenthood and family the way that I do
i also understand that this is a LOT to just rest on some "BUT YOU SAID BEFORE..."

much respect this is tough.

***
when I come around, they frown
then wanna dap me down
but when I leave?

  

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october_country
Member since Sep 23rd 2013
43 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 12:08 PM

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122. "why kids/no kids get yall so riled up?"
In response to Reply # 0


          

normally level-headed folks just actin the fuck out in here.

if that shit aint yo life, it aint yo life. damn

  

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teefiveten
Member since Oct 02nd 2008
33019 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 12:15 PM

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130. "People fighting to be right about their own life choices"
In response to Reply # 122


  

          

By judging others

I can't roll with judging ppl with no kids though

*************************************
like.me
http://tinyurl.com/3z8486u

"if the children are not initiated into the village they will burn it down just to feel its warmth." - african proverb

  

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lfresh
Member since Jun 18th 2002
92696 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 12:50 PM

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142. "RE: People fighting to be right about their own life choices"
In response to Reply # 130


  

          

>By judging others
>
>I can't roll with judging ppl with no kids though
>

right

i was cool until that part
this was definitely a oh man this sucks type of post
but that??
wtf


~~~~
When you are born, you cry, and the world rejoices. Live so that when you die, you rejoice, and the world cries.
~~~~
You cannot hate people for their own good.

  

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ndibs
Member since Aug 06th 2012
12715 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 12:53 PM

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144. "my thing is it's really obnoxious for people to not believe"
In response to Reply # 122


          

you when you say you who you are.

or to not be taken seriously.

if he had just taken 'ol girl seriously this post probably wouldn't have happened.

like you couldn't possibly be cool being single or not having kids.

you're a female, you go in this box and so you must care about these things and want this kind of life.


  

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Tiggerific
Member since May 24th 2007
13451 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 12:20 PM

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135. "A friend of mine from High School..."
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

told her hubby that they would have to reevaluate their marriage if he wanted kids. She told him upfront that she doesn't want kids. And, it seems to work for them. But, if he did say, I want kids. I think she would leave him. Not because she doesn't love him, but because his priorities aren't vibing with hers.

"We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents" - Bob Ross

"I'm wearing a MSU Tshirt because I went to MSU, you are wearing a UM Tshirt because you went to Walmart!" -unknown.

http://bjsquirrelchronicles.blogspot.com

  

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ZooTown74
Member since May 29th 2002
43582 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 12:52 PM

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143. "Damn right I would, because I want kids"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

And if "but adoption's not an option sorry," then we're peace two fingers

Call it whatever it needs to be called, but I'm not giving you a ring if kids ain't even an option

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________
Gotta hear both sides

  

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CyrenYoung
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34204 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 12:58 PM

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147. ""
In response to Reply # 0
Wed Oct-23-13 12:58 PM by CyrenYoung

  

          

..this falls squarely on the shoulders of both parties

perhaps this is reason enough to avoid "marriage" altogether?



*skatin' the rings of saturn*

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=B7E8dge7H8Y


..and miles to go before i sleep...

  

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GirlChild
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Wed Oct-23-13 01:48 PM

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167. "marriage really doesn't have anything to do with it"
In response to Reply # 147


  

          

cause you can be in a long term relationship and minds can still change.

  

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teefiveten
Member since Oct 02nd 2008
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Wed Oct-23-13 01:49 PM

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170. "Yup :("
In response to Reply # 167


  

          

.

*************************************
like.me
http://tinyurl.com/3z8486u

"if the children are not initiated into the village they will burn it down just to feel its warmth." - african proverb

  

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blkprinceMD05
Member since Nov 29th 2004
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Wed Oct-23-13 01:57 PM

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173. "i think the point is that its easier to get out of other relationships"
In response to Reply # 167


  

          

than a marriage...but then again ppl dont look at marriage as forever so who can say these days

i see marriage not only as a legal contract but a life long committment

when minds change for unmarried couples its a "easier" to part ways

prototype

stand ur ground, believe in urself,
believe in love, prepare urself for love, remove the negativity from ur life, and accept the love u kno u deserve

  

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GirlChild
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186. "its easier in the sense of you don't have to worry about"
In response to Reply # 173


  

          

legally splitting assets
but even if you're living together, esp in ny, there's having to find your own place

emotionally, that shit is exactly the same to me
if my husband and i weren't married but were still together for 11 years, it would still feel the same

i invested a decade with someone whom i love and then it ends?!

that shit is brutal on the heart

  

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CyrenYoung
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223. "i was actually speaking realistically about the long term..."
In response to Reply # 186
Wed Oct-23-13 03:47 PM by CyrenYoung

  

          

..this subject warrants serious discussion, esp between people considering spending the rest of their lives together

*i know the OP speaks in regards to someone already married, but IMO this is something that should be brought up and clearly understood well before that. i agree that the break up of any long term commitment is difficult. still, that's all the more reason to take a serious look at the future.

people often pledge life & love, but the tough question most people avoid is simple:

even with growth/maturity, if nothing changes (in regards to their stance on children), can you live with that and still be happy/fulfilled?

i know that most people love to romanticize the situation, but if you can't answer that question honestly then its prob'ly not a good idea to make that investment.




*skatin' the rings of saturn*

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=B7E8dge7H8Y


..and miles to go before i sleep...

  

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blkprinceMD05
Member since Nov 29th 2004
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Wed Oct-23-13 03:43 PM

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224. "^^^"
In response to Reply # 223


  

          

prototype

stand ur ground, believe in urself,
believe in love, prepare urself for love, remove the negativity from ur life, and accept the love u kno u deserve

  

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SoWhat
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237. "that's cute but confuses the issue in this post."
In response to Reply # 223
Wed Oct-23-13 04:14 PM by SoWhat

  

          

b/c in this case, something DID change. significantly. the husband didn't want kids when they married but changed his mind subsequently. meanwhile hers didn't change.

that happens in marriage - ppl change. sometimes the change is drastic. sometimes that drastic change results in the spouses having grown apart.

it's life. it doesn't mean they weren't right to marry each other, necessarily, b/c at least w/regard for this issue they were on the same page when they married. but then life happened and he changed. she didn't.

fuck you.

  

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CyrenYoung
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253. "that's not accurate..."
In response to Reply # 237
Wed Oct-23-13 04:22 PM by CyrenYoung

  

          

>b/c in this case, something DID change. significantly. the
>husband didn't want kids when they married but changed his
>mind subsequently. meanwhile hers didn't change.

the husband never stated that he didn't want children, he simply agreed to respect the wife's initial stance.

*we don't really have the husband's complete current perspective, but its clear that the wife doesn't intend to have children. if its true that he's now bringing more emphasis on having children, then he's well within his rights as a man, but wrong in regards to this particular union.

that's why i stated that perhaps it wasn't a good idea to make the investment at all (for either party). resentment is a terrible way to live.





*skatin' the rings of saturn*

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=B7E8dge7H8Y


..and miles to go before i sleep...

  

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SoWhat
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274. "oh okay."
In response to Reply # 253


  

          

fuck you.

  

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illegal
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148. "the use of TONE by both sides in here is what okp is all about"
In response to Reply # 0


          

haha we are some assholes

***
when I come around, they frown
then wanna dap me down
but when I leave?

  

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Koku
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241. "RE: the use of TONE by both sides in here is what okp is all about"
In response to Reply # 148


  

          

>haha we are some assholes

---

@kokupuff

  

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NikaMandela
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155. "I have a friend who went through this"
In response to Reply # 0


          

Past tense bc she is knocked up now. Better watch them bc pills, condoms, ovulation charts.

If my hubby didnt want kids, I wouldn't want him as the father of my kids. That's a job for someone who is enthusiastic about being a patent.

  

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spades
Member since Mar 22nd 2006
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Wed Oct-23-13 02:09 PM

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181. "word"
In response to Reply # 155


  

          

********************************

Get Out The Room!
http://getouttheroom.podomatic.com
@fakewilliamkatt

"You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do!" - Olin Miller

  

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Buddy_Gilapagos
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182. "Man, so many men don't want to have kids, until they are here"
In response to Reply # 155


  

          

I don't think pre-baby enthusiasm is a good indicator of what type of parent they will be.

Some dudes aren't enthusiastic because they understand the commitment and don't want to go into all willy nilly.


**********
"Everyone has a plan until you punch them in the face. Then they don't have a plan anymore." (c) Mike Tyson

  

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bonitaapplebaum71481
Member since Aug 04th 2003
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Wed Oct-23-13 02:16 PM

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185. "it's a little different for women though..."
In response to Reply # 182


  

          

cuz if she's not feeling it initially, that whole 9 months of personal physical changes can def make one feel trapped in their predicament...

sometimes that all melts away when you see that bloody little face

other times, not so much :-/


"i wanna hug all u idiotic bastards & then set you all on fire" -Bin

www.twitter.com/bedstuybetty
http://bedstuybetty.tumblr.com/
DROkayplayer: Giving you good puff since May '05

  

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NikaMandela
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209. "i think it is"
In response to Reply # 182


          

not necessarily enthusiasm about parenthood...but just the whole process of building a family. ima need my dude to be on the same page about that shit. like someone who has an idea of how the child(ren) will be raised even.

while i do think someone can be less than enthusiastic and be a great parent, thats not a scenario i would involve myself in. because i need to know you have the desire to be a great parent first.

  

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illegal
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187. "things change quickly for men, that's not necessarily a good indicator"
In response to Reply # 155


          

***
when I come around, they frown
then wanna dap me down
but when I leave?

  

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NikaMandela
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213. "as i said above, im not willing to take that risk"
In response to Reply # 187


          

indifference to having children is a turn off to me anyway

  

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illegal
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Wed Oct-23-13 03:28 PM

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216. "I don't care to change your pref, its the later assertion that's faulty"
In response to Reply # 213


          

"That's a job for someone who is enthusiastic about being a patent."

***
when I come around, they frown
then wanna dap me down
but when I leave?

  

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NikaMandela
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231. "eh. i think its more faulty to think ppl will change once the children c..."
In response to Reply # 216


          

of course im speaking with generalizations here. i do think its possible to be indifferent at the idea and become Dad of the Year after a child comes into the picture. but it would be a foolish thing for one person to hope for someone else.

  

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illegal
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244. "have it your way, this post & all its replies stand as proof of the oppo..."
In response to Reply # 231


          

where someone states they stand today with regard to children is not necessarily where they will stand for tomorrow
and certainly not an indicator of their parental fitness

***
when I come around, they frown
then wanna dap me down
but when I leave?

  

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NikaMandela
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263. "lol dont be mad!"
In response to Reply # 244


          

i dont see proof of the opposite in this post.

but i aint read the whole thing.

i do think ppl step up to the plate...but ive never heard anyone who didnt want children change their mind. thats just me tho.

  

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illegal
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282. "lol @ mad."
In response to Reply # 263


          

someone changing their mind about it is the reason why we're in this post
we're good tho a2d

***
when I come around, they frown
then wanna dap me down
but when I leave?

  

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NikaMandela
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355. "who changed their mind?"
In response to Reply # 282


          

it sounds like his mind didnt change....he was hoping SHE would change her mind.

  

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illegal
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356. "#9 says otherwise to me"
In response to Reply # 355


          

honestly i'm kind of worn on this post
not this specific convo but the post in general and my presence in it
it's all good

***
when I come around, they frown
then wanna dap me down
but when I leave?

  

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bleekgilliam_420
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163. "me personally....no"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

but ive never been one to have to have kids, so i'd believe that the feeling would pass over time. i would have the discussion with her to see if her feelings had changed on the subject and then move on.

still, i'd understand anybody that would leave. thats such a major need\change life change and some shit i'd think spouses would hold over their SO's head 20 years down the line.

  

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flora
Member since Sep 06th 2009
17470 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 02:29 PM

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188. "this happened to my friend. he left & couldn't get the next pregnant."
In response to Reply # 0


          

isn't that ironic?

  

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bonitaapplebaum71481
Member since Aug 04th 2003
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Wed Oct-23-13 02:34 PM

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190. "psssshhhh.... I really wanna say "
In response to Reply # 188


  

          

it serves him right


but


that kinda sucks for all parties involved


"i wanna hug all u idiotic bastards & then set you all on fire" -Bin

www.twitter.com/bedstuybetty
http://bedstuybetty.tumblr.com/
DROkayplayer: Giving you good puff since May '05

  

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flora
Member since Sep 06th 2009
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Wed Oct-23-13 02:37 PM

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193. "just shows that we don't have as much control as we think we do"
In response to Reply # 190


          

  

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Iwasmadeto
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Wed Oct-23-13 03:23 PM

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211. "everyone speaks in absolutes as if your kids will even like you. "
In response to Reply # 193


  

          

as if they are sure to leave this "best" legacy

as if thats the only way to be complete. that's a lot to put on someone/something outside of yourself.

psst!

  

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StirsDsoul
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202. "why would you blame the dude?!?! he moved forward with his life....."
In response to Reply # 190


  

          



Both parties seemingly agreed.....until they didn't.

He moved on to supposedly greener pastures......

And they weren't.

End of story.

No cause and effect.....just life.

  

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-DJ R-Tistic-
Member since Nov 06th 2008
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Wed Oct-23-13 02:41 PM

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197. "Whoaaaaaaaaaaa. Nawwww man."
In response to Reply # 188


  

          

------------------------------

50+ FREE Mixes on www.DJR-Tistic.com!

Twitter and Instagram - @DJ_RTistic

  

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blkprinceMD05
Member since Nov 29th 2004
41323 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 02:43 PM

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200. "dang"
In response to Reply # 188


  

          

prototype

stand ur ground, believe in urself,
believe in love, prepare urself for love, remove the negativity from ur life, and accept the love u kno u deserve

  

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bleekgilliam_420
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Wed Oct-23-13 03:38 PM

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220. "yeah thats something else i would think about"
In response to Reply # 188


  

          

what if you leave and this happens or you just dont find someone to find someone that you want to have kids with?
i mean sure you can go the adoption route, but if you going through lengths to leave somoen over this you'd have to want your own, right? that would be so fucked up.

  

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Koku
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239. "wow damn. "
In response to Reply # 188


  

          

---

@kokupuff

  

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Buddy_Gilapagos
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Wed Oct-23-13 02:38 PM

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195. "I forgot breeders versus non-breeders was a bread and butter #warz"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          


**********
"Everyone has a plan until you punch them in the face. Then they don't have a plan anymore." (c) Mike Tyson

  

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Marla
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Wed Oct-23-13 02:42 PM

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198. "Why not? Part ways and try to remain friends."
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

If that's what he wants he should at least make the attempt. Same as a woman who wants kids and a husband who doesn't. People change their minds about what they want as they gain life experience. It happens.

I would think her not wanting kids means that she doesn't even want to raise anybody else's kids part-time either. Seems like it should be an amicable parting.

  

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morpheme
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Wed Oct-23-13 02:43 PM

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199. "i'd want my husband to leave..."
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

hopefully we'd still be able to be in one another's lives
because he really tried to accept me on my terms
and he did as long as he could
now his terms come into play
and we're beyond shoulda/woulda/coulda
where we are is the man i love wants children
i want the man i love to have what he wants.

i'd really wonder why i am so opposed to motherhood.
is it taking care of/being responsible for another life?
is it that i had a really terrible childhood?
is it that i don't want to ruin my body?
is it that i think my life will change in ways i don't want it to/stop?
genetics?

i'd have to imagine.

  

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-DJ R-Tistic-
Member since Nov 06th 2008
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Wed Oct-23-13 02:43 PM

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201. "IF I agreed to marry her knowing this, then no, it's completely unfair"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

for me to leave.

Now, there was a woman I dated who was great in most ways...but she swore to me that she would never want to have her own children, and only wanted to adopt. I was only 22, she was damn 19...so I felt like "you're just talking, you'll change when you're older" and it didn't stop us from dating. But we were both young. At this point? I would probably stop dating the day she told me with a completely serious face that she doesn't want any children. So this wouldn't be a concern of mine...BUT, "if" I did agree, then naw. I'm locked in forever.

------------------------------

50+ FREE Mixes on www.DJR-Tistic.com!

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Buddy_Gilapagos
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Wed Oct-23-13 02:56 PM

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205. "Thing is, how can you take seriously a 19 year old who says"
In response to Reply # 201


  

          

"she doesn't want to have kids?"

We all know that the vast majority of those chicks end up changing their mind.

I wouldn't take any 19 year old that serious about any life long attitudes that they may claim to hold. Whether it's deciding to have a kid, deciding to get married, deciding on career, deciding to get a tattoo, etc.


**********
"Everyone has a plan until you punch them in the face. Then they don't have a plan anymore." (c) Mike Tyson

  

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-DJ R-Tistic-
Member since Nov 06th 2008
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Wed Oct-23-13 03:03 PM

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206. "I mean, that's why I kept talking to her. It wasn't like I was getting m..."
In response to Reply # 205


  

          

anytime soon...but at the same time, it's a lose-lose. You stop talking to her at that age, and later, realize what you lost and regret it. You keep talking to her, get serious, and 5-10 years later, she STILL has that same attitude, and you feel stupid saying "but...but....I just thought you were talking shit. I thought you were gonna change!"

------------------------------

50+ FREE Mixes on www.DJR-Tistic.com!

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Buddy_Gilapagos
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Wed Oct-23-13 03:24 PM

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212. "The real take home lesson is don't make life long commitments at"
In response to Reply # 206


  

          

19 and 22.

Folks don't figure out who they really are until later.



**********
"Everyone has a plan until you punch them in the face. Then they don't have a plan anymore." (c) Mike Tyson

  

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janey
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Wed Oct-23-13 03:34 PM

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219. "I don't know about that"
In response to Reply # 212


  

          

I never wanted kids. My sister told me that I was awful for not wanting children when I told her when we were teenagers.

I don't doubt that statistically many women who say they don't want children when they are 19 have children at a later time. What I wonder is whether that was due to them actively changing their mind or whether it was the result of circumstance or pressure. You might find interesting the conversation from 2000 that I linked in post 207 below.

~ ~ ~
All meetings end in separation
All acquisition ends in dispersion
All life ends in death
- The Buddha

|\_/|
='_'=

Every hundred years, all new people

  

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Buddy_Gilapagos
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Wed Oct-23-13 04:04 PM

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235. "I should have said most folks. But the advice is the same. "
In response to Reply # 219


  

          

The practical advice is at 19 you shouldn't make life long irreversible decisions.

So I think its a bad idea to have a child at 19. If you decide you don't want to have kids at 19 that's all find and dandy, just don't have kids. If you change your mind it's all good because that a reversible decision.

Alternatively, I think we can agree that it would be a bad idea to permanently "fix yourself" (sorry I don't know the technical term) at 19 because you decide you don't want to have kids?




**********
"Everyone has a plan until you punch them in the face. Then they don't have a plan anymore." (c) Mike Tyson

  

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janey
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Wed Oct-23-13 04:22 PM

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255. "I'm a little surprised that you don't know the correct term for it."
In response to Reply # 235


  

          

I had a tubal ligation.

I knew at 19 (and 14 and 22 and 34) that I didn't want children. I tried at various times to get a ligation, but was poo-pooed. I wish you would either read what I wrote (and linked in post 207) about what it's like to be totally disregarded and disbelieved by people who think they know better than you what you know about yourself, or stop making generalizations about what people think or know at a particular time in life, or both.

You probably knew at 19 that you wanted children some day. What if I told you then that you would realize your mistake as you grew older? What if every person you spoke to about it said the same thing? If you marry someone who says she doesn't want children, it behooves you to believe her and not to think she'll change her mind when she "grows up."

~ ~ ~
All meetings end in separation
All acquisition ends in dispersion
All life ends in death
- The Buddha

|\_/|
='_'=

Every hundred years, all new people

  

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SoWhat
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Wed Oct-23-13 04:52 PM

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286. "oh that would just burn me up!"
In response to Reply # 255


  

          

to have all those ppl tell me about myself as if they know me better than i do.

UGH.

fuck you.

  

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Buddy_Gilapagos
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Wed Oct-23-13 06:18 PM

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346. "I am not sure we are disagreeing about anything. "
In response to Reply # 255


  

          

Unless of course, you are advocating that a 19 (or 14 or 22) year old should have an irreversible medical procedure like tubal ligation because they are confident that they never want to have children. Is that what you are advocating?

My only point is that a 19 year old generally shouldn't make any irreversible life altering decisions like deciding to have a kid, get married, or get certain tattoos (e.g., face tattoo) for that matter mainly because young people often change their mind and are still rapidly changing as a person. Do you really disagree with that general advice (acknowledging their are exceptions to that general rule)?

I read your original post and I don't think I saw anything in there that said you disagree with my position.


Based on that I think the question of whether you should believe a 19 year old who said they didn't want kids is kind of moot because you shouldn't really be in a long term seriously committed relationship at 19 anyway so it doesn't even matter.



I understand you must have heard a million times people question your decision or voice doubt that you really meant what you said but I wasn't really doing that and I think you are responding to all those people instead of what I was talking about.



>I had a tubal ligation.
>
>I knew at 19 (and 14 and 22 and 34) that I didn't want
>children. I tried at various times to get a ligation, but was
>poo-pooed. I wish you would either read what I wrote (and
>linked in post 207) about what it's like to be totally
>disregarded and disbelieved by people who think they know
>better than you what you know about yourself, or stop making
>generalizations about what people think or know at a
>particular time in life, or both.
>
>You probably knew at 19 that you wanted children some day.
>What if I told you then that you would realize your mistake as
>you grew older? What if every person you spoke to about it
>said the same thing? If you marry someone who says she doesn't
>want children, it behooves you to believe her and not to think
>she'll change her mind when she "grows up."
>
>~ ~ ~
>All meetings end in separation
>All acquisition ends in dispersion
>All life ends in death
>- The Buddha
>
>|\_/|
>='_'=
>
>Every hundred years, all new people


**********
"Everyone has a plan until you punch them in the face. Then they don't have a plan anymore." (c) Mike Tyson

  

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ndibs
Member since Aug 06th 2012
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Wed Oct-23-13 03:38 PM

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221. "Some ppl know at 19. Some don't at 30+"
In response to Reply # 212


          

If we re to believe this guy really changed his mind...

I have lots of friends who have been married to the ppl they dated in hs and jr high for 10+ yrs now.

  

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Buddy_Gilapagos
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Thu Oct-24-13 08:41 AM

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401. "Do you think it's a good idea for a 19 year to get tubal ligation?"
In response to Reply # 221


  

          

>If we re to believe this guy really changed his mind...
>
>I have lots of friends who have been married to the ppl they
>dated in hs and jr high for 10+ yrs now.

Good anecdotal evidence but the statistic bear out that people who get married younger are more likely to get divorced then people who marry later in life.



**********
"Everyone has a plan until you punch them in the face. Then they don't have a plan anymore." (c) Mike Tyson

  

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morpheme
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Wed Oct-23-13 05:22 PM

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302. "depends on what your birth-18 years might've been like."
In response to Reply # 205


  

          

  

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SoWhat
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Wed Oct-23-13 03:18 PM

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208. "that sounds pretty awful."
In response to Reply # 201


  

          

there are no clean outcomes in the scenario, but that one sounds like the worst one. the one where both parties are trapped and neither has a chance of getting what they want.

at least if they split there's a chance.

fuck you.

  

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-DJ R-Tistic-
Member since Nov 06th 2008
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Wed Oct-23-13 03:26 PM

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214. "The fact that I agreed to marry her would be awful! As said, it's alread..."
In response to Reply # 208


  

          

>there are no clean outcomes in the scenario, but that one
>sounds like the worst one. the one where both parties are
>trapped and neither has a chance of getting what they want.
>
>at least if they split there's a chance.

a bad scenario....that I wouldn't be in anyway!!

------------------------------

50+ FREE Mixes on www.DJR-Tistic.com!

Twitter and Instagram - @DJ_RTistic

  

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SoWhat
Charter member
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Wed Oct-23-13 03:27 PM

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215. "uh huh."
In response to Reply # 214


  

          

fuck you.

  

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legsdiamond
Member since May 05th 2011
79585 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 02:53 PM

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204. "his fault... but she ain't much better. "
In response to Reply # 0


          

why would a woman marry a man that wanted kids? The chances of him changing his mind are incredibly high due to the desire before hand.

He prolly thought marriage would changer her mind (his fault) but if she sticks with her original decision then he has to bounce if he truly wants a family.

  

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janey
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Wed Oct-23-13 03:06 PM

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207. "yeah, I know that no one is interested in reading my opinion/experience"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

even though I'm a nice refutation of Bin's theory, but in case you do, here's a nice old thread in which I talk about my experience.

Start here: http://board.okayplayer.com/okp.php?az=show_topic&forum=22&topic_id=23434&mesg_id=23434&listing_type=search#23447

~ ~ ~
All meetings end in separation
All acquisition ends in dispersion
All life ends in death
- The Buddha

|\_/|
='_'=

Every hundred years, all new people

  

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CyrenYoung
Charter member
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Wed Oct-23-13 04:57 PM

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292. "janey..."
In response to Reply # 207


  

          

..you're a gem

you are appreciated © pac


*skatin' the rings of saturn*

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=B7E8dge7H8Y


..and miles to go before i sleep...

  

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janey
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323. "oh sweetheart"
In response to Reply # 292


  

          

you don't know how much that means to me.

!

~ ~ ~
All meetings end in separation
All acquisition ends in dispersion
All life ends in death
- The Buddha

|\_/|
='_'=

Every hundred years, all new people

  

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kysersozey
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Wed Oct-23-13 03:29 PM

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217. "not if I go into knowing she didn't... but I wouldn't marry her tho"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

*
*
*

  

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Case_One
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Wed Oct-23-13 03:44 PM

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225. "I can't believe I missed this topic. "
In response to Reply # 0


          

I've been working too hard.


.
.
.
.
.
.


***
Knowing, Being, and Doing is the best way to live.
.
.
http://instagram.com/casethenupe

  

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bloocollar
Member since Aug 14th 2008
18163 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 03:44 PM

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226. "wouldnt have married in the first place"
In response to Reply # 0


          

  

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Government Name
Member since Dec 16th 2005
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Wed Oct-23-13 03:54 PM

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230. "if you want a family that bad, you dont have a whole lotta"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

options. sucks for everyone involved, but NOT doing something about it will likely just cause all sorts of resentment. mess around and end up getting divorced at an age too old to raise kids anyway, lol.

________
http://twitter.com/aehorton
http://instagram.com/aehorton

  

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8-bit
Member since Jan 12th 2010
10841 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 04:22 PM

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254. "People grow and evolve over time. I'd leave if my mind changed."
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

Red. Not trying to persuade her into something that she doesn't want, and I'm not trying to ignore my (evolved) feelings about the matter.

---
http://twitter.com/logicalhood
http://instagram.com/hoodlogic

  

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daryloneal
Member since Jan 08th 2005
9267 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 04:31 PM

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256. "For me, marriage and children pretty much go hand in hand..."
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

So even if I wasn't 100% certain about children going into the marriage (which wasn't the case for me), I wouldn't marry a person who was 100% vehemently against the thought. She would at least need to be open to it.

That said, if I were the husband in this situation, it probably wouldn't be something we could work thru.

Seems to me that he wasn't completely honest with himself from the start. He probably wasn't 100% against having children, he just wasn't ready at the time so he went with it (as in we'll cross that bridge when we get there)

---
but have you ever checked out my website? www.dtaylorimages.com

  

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ndibs
Member since Aug 06th 2012
12715 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 04:31 PM

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257. "What if a couple agrees to have kids, they have them."
In response to Reply # 0
Wed Oct-23-13 04:37 PM by ndibs

          

and one changes their mind? They don't want kids. This shit is too hard. This is not the life I want...

Like what if HE did this after they had the kid...?

Would that be okay with people?

Is he allowed to evolve again and change his mind again?

The flippant attitude towards marriage vows is mind boggling to me.

  

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daryloneal
Member since Jan 08th 2005
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Wed Oct-23-13 04:44 PM

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270. "I don't think anyone is claiming this guy to be a hero..."
In response to Reply # 257


  

          

But it isn't hard to imagine someone coming around to the idea of having children as they grow and mature.

---
but have you ever checked out my website? www.dtaylorimages.com

  

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ndibs
Member since Aug 06th 2012
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Wed Oct-23-13 04:57 PM

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290. "it's not hard to imagine..."
In response to Reply # 270


          

>But it isn't hard to imagine someone coming around to the
>idea of having children as they grow and mature.

him changing his mind either after the fact (them having kids) if he's not the type to take marriage vows all that seriously.

  

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bloocollar
Member since Aug 14th 2008
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Wed Oct-23-13 05:05 PM

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297. "how does this relate to marriage vows?"
In response to Reply # 290


          

  

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daryloneal
Member since Jan 08th 2005
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Wed Oct-23-13 07:09 PM

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359. "how exactly are marital vows in question?"
In response to Reply # 290
Wed Oct-23-13 07:11 PM by daryloneal

  

          

.

---
but have you ever checked out my website? www.dtaylorimages.com

  

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ndibs
Member since Aug 06th 2012
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Wed Oct-23-13 08:10 PM

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368. "is til death do us part still a part of marital vows?"
In response to Reply # 359


          

this is sooo bizarre..

or is it until i change my mind about the life we agreed about and want something else...?

  

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daryloneal
Member since Jan 08th 2005
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Thu Oct-24-13 08:47 AM

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404. "how is HE not taking his vows seriously tho?"
In response to Reply # 368


  

          

What are you even talking about?

Has he left the woman?

Did he file for divorce?

They're just faced with a difficult situation and are not sure how to work it out.

Others may be suggesting that he (may) leave, not because he wants to, but because it may be irreconcilable.

But has HE actually left?

If not, how are you questioning his commitment to his vows??

Like someone said, there are no winners in this.

---
but have you ever checked out my website? www.dtaylorimages.com

  

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ndibs
Member since Aug 06th 2012
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Thu Oct-24-13 06:19 PM

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459. "okay so he has to leave before we say he's violating"
In response to Reply # 404


          

the til death do us part part of the vows...

yeah i agree...

  

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sixteenstone
Member since Sep 22nd 2002
27996 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 04:35 PM

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258. "For those saying you would leave over this..."
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

This unborn child trumps the years of love, the marriage vows, the work put into the relationship, the promises we made to each other, the sacrifices, the life we built thus far huh?

All that is just out the window unless we bring a baby into the mix? Make me understand that shit. You just throw you mate away?

Remember Novemthree's Courage...
visit on the web:www.16stonevintage.com
like on facebook: https://www.facebook.com/16stonevintage
follow on instagram: http://instagram.com/sixteenstone http://instagram.com/vintageblkmags/

  

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bloocollar
Member since Aug 14th 2008
18163 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 04:37 PM

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261. "but whats he supposed to do?--"
In response to Reply # 258
Wed Oct-23-13 04:38 PM by bloocollar

          

stay and suffer?

and how would that be good for the wife?

resentment would crop up

  

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sixteenstone
Member since Sep 22nd 2002
27996 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 04:41 PM

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266. "so she's supposed to bear another human"
In response to Reply # 261


  

          

even if she made it clear in the beginning she would never do that?
oh poor poor husband, nevermind everything else right?

Remember Novemthree's Courage...
visit on the web:www.16stonevintage.com
like on facebook: https://www.facebook.com/16stonevintage
follow on instagram: http://instagram.com/sixteenstone http://instagram.com/vintageblkmags/

  

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bloocollar
Member since Aug 14th 2008
18163 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 04:45 PM

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271. "its a no win situation--"
In response to Reply # 266


          

what was the reason presented for not wanting kids?

  

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CyrenYoung
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34204 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 05:00 PM

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294. "do you really need a reason?"
In response to Reply # 271


  

          

>what was the reason presented for not wanting kids?

..beyond a choice/preference?




*skatin' the rings of saturn*

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=B7E8dge7H8Y


..and miles to go before i sleep...

  

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bloocollar
Member since Aug 14th 2008
18163 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 05:24 PM

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304. "well....yeah--"
In response to Reply # 294


          

is it an arbitrary decision or is there a valid reason?

im sure that would factor into the husbands decisions for the future

  

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CyrenYoung
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Wed Oct-23-13 08:55 PM

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373. "if personal choice/preference isn't enough of a reason..."
In response to Reply # 304


  

          

..i don't know what is

last i checked, a person doesn't need sufficient justification to not become a parent.



*skatin' the rings of saturn*

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=B7E8dge7H8Y


..and miles to go before i sleep...

  

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lovelyone80
Member since Dec 15th 2004
50065 posts
Thu Oct-24-13 08:50 AM

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406. "a reason can bring understanding though..."
In response to Reply # 373


          

people love to say "it's my right, my choice, my decision, i don't need to validate how i feel" and that's FINE but when two people make a commitment, you do kinda owe the person you are with some understanding into your psyche because how can you grow and build together if everything is just definitive because YOU say so? that's not how relationships work. at least none of the successful ones I've seen.

Her reasoning may be as simple as "i don't want kids because i dont want them" fine...there's no reconciling that. and it may be based in pain, which needs to be addressed and worked out. it may not lead to the answer that he wants BUT at least they have a point where they can proceed to whatever next level they want.

for example I know guys who have said the same or said they don't want to get married, they don't a relationship, whatever you may have and it's because they dont' and you think oh they are just jerks, they want to be able to fuck whoever, whenever they want. and in actuality the reason they are resistant to relationships is because they saw their parents or grandparents failed attempts and decided they didn't want to be that person. so the reasoning is failure. that's way different than because he wants to fuck everyone he meets that's cute.

i just feel you can't be closed off when you decide to enter into a union with another person.

  

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CyrenYoung
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Thu Oct-24-13 01:41 PM

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437. "there are somethings in this world you simply won't understand..."
In response to Reply # 406
Thu Oct-24-13 02:07 PM by CyrenYoung

  

          

..when you tell someone honestly, up front, FROM THE GATE, that you don't want children and never plan to have them, you don't owe them anything else in that regard.

ownership is a plague of the human condition.

nothing changes that.

not love.
not marriage.

nothing.




*skatin' the rings of saturn*

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=B7E8dge7H8Y


..and miles to go before i sleep...

  

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Buddy_Gilapagos
Charter member
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Thu Oct-24-13 08:44 AM

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403. "Fcuk yeah. It would definitely warrant a different response from an SO"
In response to Reply # 294


  

          

if the reason was "I don't want to ruin my body" versus "I have serious hereditary diseases that run in my family or I know I am not emotionally equipped to handle it"

*********
"Everyone has a plan until you punch them in the face. Then they don't have a plan anymore." (c) Mike Tyson

  

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GirlChild
Charter member
56000 posts
Thu Oct-24-13 12:46 PM

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424. "that's easily said from a man"
In response to Reply # 403


  

          

you are in no way affected physically by it

  

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CyrenYoung
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34204 posts
Thu Oct-24-13 02:05 PM

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441. "name an INVALID reason for not wanting kids?.."
In response to Reply # 403


  

          




*skatin' the rings of saturn*

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=B7E8dge7H8Y


..and miles to go before i sleep...

  

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Government Name
Member since Dec 16th 2005
23190 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 04:45 PM

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272. "he's not throwing the other person away. im sure this is an"
In response to Reply # 266


  

          

extremely painful thing for him as well. no one's winning in this scenario.

________
http://twitter.com/aehorton
http://instagram.com/aehorton

  

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Koku
Charter member
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Wed Oct-23-13 04:46 PM

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273. "yep, think of this too."
In response to Reply # 272


  

          

>extremely painful thing for him as well. no one's winning in
>this scenario.

---

@kokupuff

  

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ndibs
Member since Aug 06th 2012
12715 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 04:48 PM

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275. "no i think he just thinks he can force her into it..."
In response to Reply # 272


          

>extremely painful thing for him as well. no one's winning in
>this scenario.

  

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Ronni
Member since Oct 17th 2002
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Wed Oct-23-13 05:29 PM

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309. "Why are you putting all of that extra on this?"
In response to Reply # 275


          

He thought he could "force" her into it? Where did the OP suggest that?

_________________________________
...my two cents

Golden.

  

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ndibs
Member since Aug 06th 2012
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Wed Oct-23-13 05:45 PM

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324. "see post 65..."
In response to Reply # 309


          

i think he loves her and wants to have kids with her and he thinks this is the best way to go about it... i don't think he wants his marriage to end. in fact, 50/50 he doesn't leave or leaves and comes back.

  

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SoWhat
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Wed Oct-23-13 04:49 PM

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281. "it would hurt me to my core."
In response to Reply # 272


  

          

but i'd do it if i really wanted children and my mate didn't.

fuck you.

  

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daryloneal
Member since Jan 08th 2005
9267 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 04:39 PM

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262. "Bringing another life into the world is a huge deal. It's a big desire."
In response to Reply # 258


  

          

There's really no love like it.

So if you have come to a point in your life where you truly desire that, it will be difficult to progress with someone who doesn't want the same.

It isn't that you WANT to throw your marriage away, but what can you do? Things will always come back to that. There isn't much middle ground or compromise that will satisfy either person.

It's really an unfortunate situation.

---
but have you ever checked out my website? www.dtaylorimages.com

  

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Koku
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71257 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 04:40 PM

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265. "some ppl REALLY want children."
In response to Reply # 258


  

          

i mean it's not me, but i respect that ppl want a little
person to bring into the world.

it's truly awful that it can come down to this but
children aren't something that ppl should compromise
on, on either side.

maybe he's envious of the relationships his friends,
who are new fathers are having w/their children,
maybe ppl are in his ear about it, who knows.

but i'd say that the worst thing you can do is get pregs
just b/c HE wants it if you don't.

i don't doubt that you'd love the baby if you chose to,
but i feel like you'd resent HIM and not the baby if
you made that decision.

regardless, do what's best for you and don't live with
regrets.


>This unborn child trumps the years of love, the marriage
>vows, the work put into the relationship, the promises we made
>to each other, the sacrifices, the life we built thus far
>huh?
>
>All that is just out the window unless we bring a baby into
>the mix? Make me understand that shit. You just throw you mate
>away?

---

@kokupuff

  

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october_country
Member since Sep 23rd 2013
43 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 04:41 PM

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267. "theres gotta be a compromise in there somewhere"
In response to Reply # 258


          

like you said, all the love n time n all that
that shit can't just be zeroed out by i want baby/i no want baby feelings

  

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8-bit
Member since Jan 12th 2010
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Wed Oct-23-13 04:43 PM

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269. "I can't live with not knowing, always wondering"
In response to Reply # 258


  

          

aka "regrets"

---
http://twitter.com/logicalhood
http://instagram.com/hoodlogic

  

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SoWhat
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Wed Oct-23-13 04:48 PM

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277. "yes, if i REALLY want children"
In response to Reply # 258


  

          

then, yes.

it would hurt me and it wouldn't be easy to leave. but, yes i would leave.

fuck you.

  

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abby
Member since Oct 19th 2004
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Wed Oct-23-13 04:49 PM

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278. "I think that this may require couple's counseling."
In response to Reply # 258


  

          

Because there really isn't a yes or no, or a right or wrong answer to this.

And it really doesn't matter what other folx who are not inside this particular commitment think.

It really requires help from an objective professional who can help the couple work through their differences and come to a reasonable agreement that works for them.

Relationships really are fluid, and they evolve as the people in them grow. And that's ok. The key is in finding ways to grow WITH that evolution.

On such a serious matter, a bunch of extra voices from people who may or may not have your best interest at heart aren't what you need.

  

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Koku
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288. "what can couple's counseling really do here??"
In response to Reply # 278


  

          

well, i should perhaps rephrase that---

assuming neither party is going to change their mind
on this, it'd still be the end.

a kid is a KID.

there's no good compromise here for either party
if they're steadfast in their positions.

---

@kokupuff

  

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blkprinceMD05
Member since Nov 29th 2004
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Wed Oct-23-13 04:59 PM

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293. "the only "solution" would seem to be polygamy/polyamory"
In response to Reply # 288


  

          

that way it wouldnt be cheating altho its prolly still a violation of what the wife signed up for but maybe she could get on board with that

otherwise like u said this really aint something they can compromise on

prototype

stand ur ground, believe in urself,
believe in love, prepare urself for love, remove the negativity from ur life, and accept the love u kno u deserve

  

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ndibs
Member since Aug 06th 2012
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Wed Oct-23-13 05:03 PM

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296. "going through a divorce is difficult."
In response to Reply # 288


          

so she may want counseling just to deal with that.

but on the couples front..

he may decide having kids is not worth throwing things away for....

she may come around and decide having kids is not the end of the world or they can revisit it in a few years.

  

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abby
Member since Oct 19th 2004
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Wed Oct-23-13 05:10 PM

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298. "you'd be surprised..."
In response to Reply # 288


  

          

A good therapist could help them work through the underlying reasons for his change of heart, and the reasons that she is steadfast in not wanting children. Clearly they love each other or they wouldn't have committed to each other in the first place.

He or she would also help them find common ground that would hopefully mean them staying together, but if not help them make the decision to split in a healthy way.

The issue is bounded rationality which is what you suggest. Folx become so bounded by their perspective and way of thinking that they can't see past it or any other way. A good therapist would help them find resolution.

At the end of the day, this is a serious life decision, and this situation may represent a fork in the road. In my experience, it's best to make that decision having relied upon healthy support and insight.

A lot of the replies in this post just fuel the polarity. I don't think that that's for the best.

  

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ndibs
Member since Aug 06th 2012
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Wed Oct-23-13 05:25 PM

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305. "^^^^^ best post in here^^^^"
In response to Reply # 298


          

okp is great if you want a bunch of people to agree with you and reinforce your opinion that your partner is wrong.

if you really want to work something out with your partner, therapy is way more liekly to get you there.

there are no solutions here on okp.

  

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illegal
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Wed Oct-23-13 05:28 PM

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308. "hell yeah."
In response to Reply # 305


          

***
when I come around, they frown
then wanna dap me down
but when I leave?

  

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blkprinceMD05
Member since Nov 29th 2004
41323 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 06:14 PM

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345. "^^^these are really good points"
In response to Reply # 298


  

          

prototype

stand ur ground, believe in urself,
believe in love, prepare urself for love, remove the negativity from ur life, and accept the love u kno u deserve

  

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Marla
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354. "Regardless of outcome it can help them to move on w/o resentment."
In response to Reply # 298


  

          

  

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illegal
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Wed Oct-23-13 05:22 PM

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303. "i think counseling is the only answer here to save the 'ship"
In response to Reply # 288


          

there might be something under the overlying issue
and a place where middle ground can be found

***
when I come around, they frown
then wanna dap me down
but when I leave?

  

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Koku
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311. "i guess my question is "
In response to Reply # 303


  

          

what is the middle ground in i want a kid and you don't??

and what if adoption is not an option for the person that
wants the kid, if we decide this is about something far
more superficial??

it's just a basket of factors.

i love abby's reply though.

---

@kokupuff

  

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illegal
Charter member
78381 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 05:35 PM

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313. "yeah abby said what i woulda said if i was smart lol"
In response to Reply # 311


          

***
when I come around, they frown
then wanna dap me down
but when I leave?

  

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SoWhat
Charter member
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Wed Oct-23-13 05:35 PM

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314. "I don't see any middle ground."
In response to Reply # 311


  

          

fuck you.

  

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illegal
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320. "surely you can imagine some issues beyond the surface one presented"
In response to Reply # 314


          

its pretty tough to end up in a mexican standoff

***
when I come around, they frown
then wanna dap me down
but when I leave?

  

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abby
Member since Oct 19th 2004
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Wed Oct-23-13 05:45 PM

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325. "exactly. This situation is layered and sensitive."
In response to Reply # 320


  

          

.

  

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SoWhat
Charter member
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Wed Oct-23-13 05:48 PM

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329. "One layer"
In response to Reply # 325


  

          

He wants kids and she don't. Period.

I don't see it.

I'd do counseling but it would mostly be about developing an exit plan.

fuck you.

  

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Koku
Charter member
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338. "yep. "
In response to Reply # 329


  

          


>I'd do counseling but it would mostly be about developing an
>exit plan.

---

@kokupuff

  

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StirsDsoul
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Thu Oct-24-13 06:56 AM

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390. "i think Abby raised the possibility that there is something else at play"
In response to Reply # 329


  

          


Regarding either party's decision.

What if there WERE something some underlying fear...which hasn't been identified...much less confronted?

Having a cathartic experience could serve to help BOTH parties deal with their eventual decision...change of heart or not.

  

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SoWhat
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Wed Oct-23-13 05:47 PM

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327. "That is a dealbreaker though."
In response to Reply # 320


  

          

Even if they're able to talk through his anger about the way she leaves the cap off the toothpaste and her problem with the way his mother talks to her (I made that up, folks)...at the end of the day it is what it is. He wants kids and she don't. No middle ground.

fuck you.

  

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illegal
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78381 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 06:05 PM

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335. "it ain't over yet!"
In response to Reply # 327


          

***
when I come around, they frown
then wanna dap me down
but when I leave?

  

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SoWhat
Charter member
154163 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 06:06 PM

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337. "N/c."
In response to Reply # 335


  

          

fuck you.

  

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ndibs
Member since Aug 06th 2012
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Wed Oct-23-13 05:40 PM

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318. "they both need to work on whatever issues they..."
In response to Reply # 311


          

have that got them here...

  

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Koku
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330. "i don't think (not) wanting kids is an issue though."
In response to Reply # 318


  

          

>have that got them here...

like what do you need to work on if you do or don't??

---

@kokupuff

  

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ndibs
Member since Aug 06th 2012
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Wed Oct-23-13 06:00 PM

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332. "how someone who doesn't want kids..."
In response to Reply # 330


          

wound up with someone who does want kids...

see post 65

  

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SoWhat
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336. "That can be figured out in individual sessions."
In response to Reply # 332


  

          

I wouldn't go to couples counseling to work through that.

fuck you.

  

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ndibs
Member since Aug 06th 2012
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Wed Oct-23-13 08:58 PM

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374. "divorce is expensive and painful; i can't imagine not going"
In response to Reply # 336


          

before you decided to get divored.

  

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unfukwitable
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279. "Wanting children is probably just as important to me"
In response to Reply # 258


  

          

as her not wanting them is to her.

======================================
http://www.flickr.com/photos/tade/

  

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illegal
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Wed Oct-23-13 04:52 PM

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285. "no one wins here, its just how the Ls are distributed"
In response to Reply # 258


          

does one person suck up the urge to start a family, which can be HUGE & lead to resentment?

does the other person suck it up & have a baby they didn't want to please their life mate? how will they feel about that decision FOREVER?

or do they both leave each other, get what they "want", but lose the thing they built together?


nobody wins.

***
when I come around, they frown
then wanna dap me down
but when I leave?

  

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Mahogany
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334. "I mean that goes both ways tho"
In response to Reply # 258
Wed Oct-23-13 06:05 PM by Mahogany

  

          

The same can be said for the person thats not willing to have the child. Now of course this may be unfair because it was discussed beforehand but thats a big thing to have to sacrifice. Marriage is about compromise but i dont think a decision like this can be compromised in a way that will leave the relationship in tact

honestly even if he were to stay I can't even imagine the amount of resentment dude would have after a couple of yrs and what that would do to our relationship. Personally I would prefer for him to go before things got ugly.

People break up for way less and a lot of those reasons are justifiable too. Its just one of those things...sucks for everyone involved but thats life

also im with abby I would try counseling first

>This unborn child trumps the years of love, the marriage
>vows, the work put into the relationship, the promises we made
>to each other, the sacrifices, the life we built thus far
>huh?
>
>All that is just out the window unless we bring a baby into
>the mix? Make me understand that shit. You just throw you mate
>away?

BUY SOMETHING PLEASE ---> www.estherwoovintage.com

"people... please refrain from gnr'ing me. im an avid lol'er and am completely fine wit the service."

"I’m just a dreamer,
turned true to life leaner...
Born to do good so others can be believers"

  

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Marla
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340. "A spouse can never replace the desire for children."
In response to Reply # 258


  

          

It doesn't matter what you've done together. A part of them wanted children before they knew that you'd be their spouse. They may not have thought they'd have them but that doesn't mean that they didn't want them.

When they desire of one to have kids is just as strong as the desire of the other not to have kids there is no compromise. You just part ways. It doesn't matter what history you have together, both parties want a different future. You may have built a life together but it doesn't match up to the life they'd planned for themselves. It's not fair to either person to ask the other change. Love doesn't solve everything and there are just some voids that it can't fill.

People start making sacrifices early when they want to have a family, their choices reflect their desire to have a family before they are even ready because that is their goal. For someone who wants children they aren't looking for just a good spouse, they are looking for a good spouse and a good parent. Nobody wants to tell someone that they love that they are not enough. It doesn't mean that they don't love that person. Leaving may be the most loving thing that they can do.


  

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flora
Member since Sep 06th 2009
17470 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 07:19 PM

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363. "divorce is throwing your mate away. "
In response to Reply # 258


          

it's sad, it's audacious, but thats what it is and it happens all of the time

it's hard realizing that your vows ain't shit and you put your trust into the wrong person but thats why marriages end, because one or both parties stop caring about the other person as much as they care about themselves

plus for those of us who do have the innate desire for children, you have to remember that is is hormonal and in my experience hormonal urges are often non-sensical and extreme but we will insist on them anyway

if he wants a kid he wants a kid

and making marriage work is all about compromise, and sometimes doing some shit you completely don't want to do (because they'd do the same for you & that builds intimacy and deep meaningful relationships)

  

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Crucian1
Member since Oct 04th 2002
32178 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 08:07 PM

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366. "Using this as a reason for that person to cave and have a child "
In response to Reply # 363


  

          


>and making marriage work is all about compromise, and
>sometimes doing some shit you completely don't want to do
>(because they'd do the same for you & that builds intimacy and
>deep meaningful relationships)


Is some bullshit I cannot clap to at all. You don't just get a baby, thats not a compromise I would want ANYBODY to pose to me..especially if I didn't want to have a child from jump.

Society will have you thinking you crazy for not wanting to have a child....





~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You posting in a hoe's tone (c) monkeynuts

  

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SoWhat
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367. "hello!"
In response to Reply # 366


  

          

fuck you.

  

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ndibs
Member since Aug 06th 2012
12715 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 08:48 PM

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372. "the compromise may be him not getting a child."
In response to Reply # 366


          

.

  

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blkprinceMD05
Member since Nov 29th 2004
41323 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 09:17 PM

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375. "yeah cause u can potentially be multiplying the misery"
In response to Reply # 366


  

          

best to split and have two sad ppl than bring a child into the world where the mom is resenting the husband and the child and thus the child resents the mom and the husband probably will too and if their is more than one kid sheesh

prototype

stand ur ground, believe in urself,
believe in love, prepare urself for love, remove the negativity from ur life, and accept the love u kno u deserve

  

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flora
Member since Sep 06th 2009
17470 posts
Thu Oct-24-13 07:48 AM

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391. "not once did i suggest what their compromise should be."
In response to Reply # 366


          

  

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ShinobiShaw
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264. "I have nothing to add as I have never been in this situation"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

but I hope it all works out for the best.

I do know that cheating is a horrible idea
Adoption seems like the best middle ground.

http://soundcloud.com/djshinobishaw
http://www.rareformnyc.com
http://twitter.com/DJShinobiShaw
https://twitter.com/RareFormNYC
PSN: ShinobiShaw

"Arm Leg Leg Arm How you doin?" (c)T510

  

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blkprinceMD05
Member since Nov 29th 2004
41323 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 04:55 PM

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289. "its not a middle ground, the wife doesnt want to be a mother, at all"
In response to Reply # 264


  

          

>but I hope it all works out for the best.
>
>I do know that cheating is a horrible idea
>Adoption seems like the best middle ground.
>
>http://soundcloud.com/djshinobishaw
>http://www.rareformnyc.com
>http://twitter.com/DJShinobiShaw
>https://twitter.com/RareFormNYC
>PSN: ShinobiShaw
>
>"Arm Leg Leg Arm How you doin?" (c)T510

prototype

stand ur ground, believe in urself,
believe in love, prepare urself for love, remove the negativity from ur life, and accept the love u kno u deserve

  

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kevlar skully
Member since Mar 13th 2007
6049 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 04:43 PM

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268. "The Seed 2.0... name it rock n roll "
In response to Reply # 0


  

          




green

  

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Monkey Genius
Member since Mar 04th 2005
8099 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 04:51 PM

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283. "Truth be told, I'm the type of nigga that would suffer in silence."
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

But every single option is shitty and I wouldn't be mad at dude for any of them.

----------------------------------
I have a webcomic: www.watchthecomic.com

My webcomic has a page: www.facebook.com/watchyourheadcomic

  

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october_country
Member since Sep 23rd 2013
43 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 04:51 PM

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284. "i dont think he was completely honest w you either"
In response to Reply # 0


          

shit, maybe he wasn't honest w himself. sometimes its hard to be aware of what you really want, or what you might want later on

  

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blkprinceMD05
Member since Nov 29th 2004
41323 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 05:00 PM

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295. "agree"
In response to Reply # 284


  

          

.

prototype

stand ur ground, believe in urself,
believe in love, prepare urself for love, remove the negativity from ur life, and accept the love u kno u deserve

  

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Ronni
Member since Oct 17th 2002
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Wed Oct-23-13 05:27 PM

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307. "This isn't really fair."
In response to Reply # 284


          

Marriage is life changing. Let's not assume he didn't wholeheartedly think he was ok without kids.

People grow, change. You would like to think that you both grow in the same direction...this doesn't always happen.
_________________________________
...my two cents

Golden.

  

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blkprinceMD05
Member since Nov 29th 2004
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Wed Oct-23-13 05:43 PM

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322. "It's suggesting that maybe he wasn't honest with himself, or didn't know..."
In response to Reply # 307


  

          

Himself way enuff and that uncertainty affects his wife now

prototype

stand ur ground, believe in urself,
believe in love, prepare urself for love, remove the negativity from ur life, and accept the love u kno u deserve

  

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Marla
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Wed Oct-23-13 06:11 PM

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344. "Right, he may have thought that marriage was enough."
In response to Reply # 307


  

          

Then he got married and realized that it just made him want kids more.

  

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ShinobiShaw
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287. "Whoa mods are on it in this post. "
In response to Reply # 0


  

          


http://soundcloud.com/djshinobishaw
http://www.rareformnyc.com
http://twitter.com/DJShinobiShaw
https://twitter.com/RareFormNYC
PSN: ShinobiShaw

"Arm Leg Leg Arm How you doin?" (c)T510

  

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bloocollar
Member since Aug 14th 2008
18163 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 04:57 PM

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291. "can i ask the reason for not wanting children?--"
In response to Reply # 0


          

i wasnt enthusiastic abt it before my son, but i never made a life long pledge not to have any

  

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blkprinceMD05
Member since Nov 29th 2004
41323 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 05:16 PM

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300. "reply 294, dont be annoying dude"
In response to Reply # 291
Wed Oct-23-13 05:17 PM by blkprinceMD05

  

          

if the reason hasnt been offered up by now leave it alone

what is the purpose of u wanting to know? to convince her otherwise or challenger her opinion...just leave it alone

prototype

stand ur ground, believe in urself,
believe in love, prepare urself for love, remove the negativity from ur life, and accept the love u kno u deserve

  

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Koku
Charter member
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Wed Oct-23-13 05:21 PM

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301. "right??"
In response to Reply # 300


  

          

some of us don't want kids.

i pass no judgment either way.

---

@kokupuff

  

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bloocollar
Member since Aug 14th 2008
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Wed Oct-23-13 05:29 PM

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310. "because why is important--"
In response to Reply # 301


          

its making a decision thats going to affect another person for life

it should have a reason

  

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SoWhat
Charter member
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Wed Oct-23-13 05:38 PM

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317. "It's not."
In response to Reply # 310


  

          

She was clear from jump she didn't want them. They married knowing she didn't want kids. W/e her reason, he accepted her as she was when they married. He is the one who changed and his reason for changing matters more than her reason for not wanting kids.

fuck you.

  

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blkprinceMD05
Member since Nov 29th 2004
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Wed Oct-23-13 05:41 PM

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319. "Oh so now the OP and people like her have to justify their views on life"
In response to Reply # 310


  

          

To u, now why do I get the feel that if a man made this post u wouldn't be asking why he don't want kids

Cause plenty of men say that

prototype

stand ur ground, believe in urself,
believe in love, prepare urself for love, remove the negativity from ur life, and accept the love u kno u deserve

  

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bloocollar
Member since Aug 14th 2008
18163 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 05:45 PM

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326. "its the life long part i have a problem with--"
In response to Reply # 319


          

hell i aint wanna have kids in my 20's

but i didnt say never

  

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janey
Charter member
123124 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 05:48 PM

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328. "Let me ask you this:"
In response to Reply # 291


  

          

What's the rationale behind wanting children?

~ ~ ~
All meetings end in separation
All acquisition ends in dispersion
All life ends in death
- The Buddha

|\_/|
='_'=

Every hundred years, all new people

  

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bloocollar
Member since Aug 14th 2008
18163 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 06:07 PM

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341. "legacy--"
In response to Reply # 328


          

instinct

  

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janey
Charter member
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Wed Oct-23-13 06:19 PM

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347. "well"
In response to Reply # 341


  

          

For the first, what makes you think that your children will learn or pay attention to or care about anything from you that you think you'll pass on to them?

For the second, you're talking about non-conscious behaviors, not rationale. Rationale means using your brain. Instinct means using your penis. Any animal can use his penis.

~ ~ ~
All meetings end in separation
All acquisition ends in dispersion
All life ends in death
- The Buddha

|\_/|
='_'=

Every hundred years, all new people

  

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bloocollar
Member since Aug 14th 2008
18163 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 06:49 PM

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357. "RE: well"
In response to Reply # 347


          

>For the first, what makes you think that your children will
>learn or pay attention to or care about anything from you that
>you think you'll pass on to them?

all i want my kids to do is learn

they can make whatever choices they want, i just want them to be informed choices

>For the second, you're talking about non-conscious behaviors,
>not rationale. Rationale means using your brain. Instinct
>means using your penis. Any animal can use his penis.

humans are animals and not completely above instinct

im not being accusatory with the question

i just think the reason for not wanting kids could also play into why the husband thinks/thought he could change her mind

  

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janey
Charter member
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Wed Oct-23-13 06:54 PM

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358. "The problem here is"
In response to Reply # 357


  

          

You say "Legacy" and then follow it up with some folderol that makes it sound like you don't know what the word means.

You say "Instinct" and then wonder what the *rationale* is for someone else's decision? Instinct is not a decision, it's a reflex. Maybe if more people *thought* about having children rather than merely *assuming* that they will do it, there would be fewer unwanted and/or abused children.

What's your real reason for wanting children? Let's get to the bottom of this.

~ ~ ~
All meetings end in separation
All acquisition ends in dispersion
All life ends in death
- The Buddha

|\_/|
='_'=

Every hundred years, all new people

  

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bloocollar
Member since Aug 14th 2008
18163 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 07:10 PM

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360. "RE: The problem here is"
In response to Reply # 358


          

>You say "Legacy" and then follow it up with some folderol
>that makes it sound like you don't know what the word means.

genetics, family name

their choices are their own

>You say "Instinct" and then wonder what the *rationale* is for
>someone else's decision? Instinct is not a decision, it's a
>reflex. Maybe if more people *thought* about having children
>rather than merely *assuming* that they will do it, there
>would be fewer unwanted and/or abused children.

being that it is an instinct that the overwhelming majority of creatures possess, yes it does require a rationale to go against it

not for the person whos made the decision for themselves but for that person's long term partner, who may possess the instinct to procreate

if the decision seems arbitrary you cant expect a person to fully understand and accept it


>What's your real reason for wanting children? Let's get to the
>bottom of this.

i didnt want children (though i didnt say never)

now that i have him i couldnt imagine life without him


  

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janey
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Wed Oct-23-13 07:15 PM

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362. "Genetics?"
In response to Reply # 360


  

          

You made a conscious decision to spread your genes?

Family name? What if you only had daughters or your sons changed their names for whatever reason?

Really? That's the best you can do?

If you can't come up with a reasonable rationale (i.e., THOUGHT PROCESS) for having children, I don't think you should be on people to explain why they *don't* want them.

Also, there are plenty of people talking about their decisions in this thread if you really care to know.

~ ~ ~
All meetings end in separation
All acquisition ends in dispersion
All life ends in death
- The Buddha

|\_/|
='_'=

Every hundred years, all new people

  

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Mahogany
Charter member
56697 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 10:37 PM

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382. "did they delete my reply or am I trippin "
In response to Reply # 291


  

          

If so why? That's weird...

BUY SOMETHING PLEASE ---> www.estherwoovintage.com

"people... please refrain from gnr'ing me. im an avid lol'er and am completely fine wit the service."

"I’m just a dreamer,
turned true to life leaner...
Born to do good so others can be believers"

  

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CyrenYoung
Charter member
34204 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 11:35 PM

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385. "i deleted the bs..."
In response to Reply # 382


  

          

..your reply wasn't a target, but a response to some dumbshit

nothin' personal

#casualtiesofwar


*skatin' the rings of saturn*

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=B7E8dge7H8Y


..and miles to go before i sleep...

  

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Mahogany
Charter member
56697 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 11:54 PM

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386. "that dont make no sense lol but ok I guess"
In response to Reply # 385


  

          

Did somebody ask you to do that or what cause it wasnt no different from anything else thats posted on here

BUY SOMETHING PLEASE ---> www.estherwoovintage.com

"people... please refrain from gnr'ing me. im an avid lol'er and am completely fine wit the service."

"I’m just a dreamer,
turned true to life leaner...
Born to do good so others can be believers"

  

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CyrenYoung
Charter member
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Thu Oct-24-13 12:07 AM

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387. "it was that or torch the entire thread..."
In response to Reply # 386
Thu Oct-24-13 12:08 AM by CyrenYoung

  

          

..it doesn't always happen, but its nothing new

esp when shit gets extremely personal

just so happens i caught it early enough

*shrug*


*skatin' the rings of saturn*

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=B7E8dge7H8Y


..and miles to go before i sleep...

  

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lightworks
Member since Feb 17th 2006
5818 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 05:37 PM

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316. "I would leave my husband, yes."
In response to Reply # 0


          

If we both strongly felt one way about it

And one of us woke up one day and felt the opposite

Then yeah

It isn't fair to either of us to not be on completely the same on this nor is it fair to stick around secretly hoping one day the other will change their mind.

All that said, my heart goes out to both of you.

  

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woe.is.me.
Member since Aug 06th 2007
13957 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 06:30 PM

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351. "Honestly, with the best interests of your relationship in mind"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

(assuming this is really about you)
while OKP can be a good soundboard, I would advise that you speak with a counselor (and obviously your husband) about this.

too many people here have way too much baggage to provide objective (or more importantly constructive) advice that will be of real benefit to you (instead of just being a chance for them to air past grievances).

It is also really easy to be black and white/disregard a relationship/marriage that isn't yours. people here may want the best for you in an abstract sense, but they aren't truly invested in your life.

please seek real life help, and i sincerely wish you the best.

---
www.ikirejones.com
FW16: After Migration.

  

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morpheme
Charter member
94867 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 06:43 PM

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353. "i know of a couple. he wanted to have kids. she didn't. they got married..."
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

and she relented
had 2
because she felt he deserved to be a father.
she by all accounts was a horrible mother.
couldn't/didn't cook.
couldn't keep house.
kids unkempt.

all of what she wasn't doing compiled
and they wound up divorced.

and now she wants to give the children back.
they're aged like 4 and 6.
he can't raise them.
he's in afghanistan on a contract.
and from what i hear
he isn't father of the year himself.

{providing financially for these children is NO problem.}

  

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ndibs
Member since Aug 06th 2012
12715 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 08:46 PM

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371. "this sounds about right"
In response to Reply # 353


          

i don't think sixteenstone would be a bad mom.

but hes 30+ he got married and was cool with having no kids,

whose to say at 35 after he's gotten to know himself a bit better....

she has the kids and he decides the whole kids family thing isn't for him?

and he bounces ?

  

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morpheme
Charter member
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Wed Oct-23-13 09:21 PM

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378. "i don't know what type of mother she would be..."
In response to Reply # 371


  

          

i don't know what type of mother i am.
but there's a goal
and as long as i keep the endgame in mind i tend to justify a lot.

i doubt he'd want children
and decide children aren't for him any longer
men have an attachment to fatherhood that rivals that of motherhood

true
he may decide he no longer wants the marriage
that doesn't invalidate the child/ren
just like marriage didn't validate them

every mother is a single mother unless she is in a relationship w/another woman, even still
i, as the woman who gave birth, am Mother
i gotta aim for that 101% all by myself
his Father has to strive for his
neither compensates for the other in those roles
where the work comes in is in parenting
that is where you can compliment and supplement and take over.

if you have evaluated yourself and deduced 101% ain't in you, you're entitled.

  

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Ronni
Member since Oct 17th 2002
19835 posts
Thu Oct-24-13 02:02 PM

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440. "this is all perfect and true."
In response to Reply # 378


          


_________________________________
...my two cents

Golden.

  

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Radio Rahim
Member since Jul 21st 2008
20320 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 07:54 PM

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364. "The "smartest" ppl in here soundin just as dumb as the "dumb" ones"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

Just another day on okp.

__________________________
Duke, Knicks, Yankess, Giants, UGA, Rangers

Binlahab droppin science on the youth

"youre frustrated now? in undergrad? reading books all day?,
surrounded by more nubile unattached pussy than you will be in your life?"

  

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chitown_butterfly
Member since Jan 06th 2005
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Wed Oct-23-13 07:58 PM

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365. "I won't leave him"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

We'd have to figure something else out though. It would be so unfair to push a family on him when obviously we agreed against it before we got married.

http://risebutterfly79.tumblr.com

  

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samsara
Member since Sep 15th 2002
3464 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 08:28 PM

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370. "depends on how the marriage came to be"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

(how flaky the wife has been on other principled life decisions)

for example
if the wife previously never want to get married
and the husband convinces the wife to get married
why wouldn't the husband assume that he could convince her on children?

if i could convince someone who never wanted to get married to get married, why wouldn't i assume everything is negotiable?



"i fear no fate" e.e. cummings
"No girl. No fried chicken. I'm going back to get some sleep." - Haruki Murakami

  

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MizClayton
Member since Feb 22nd 2003
33309 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 09:19 PM

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376. "If I didn't want kids"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

i'd praly marry when I was 45 or something

i just wouldn't be as pressed

  

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october_country
Member since Sep 23rd 2013
43 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 09:19 PM

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377. "this a sad fuckin poast"
In response to Reply # 0


          

on so many levels
but i'm entertained so its all good
keep that hate train goin

  

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lex_blaque
Member since Oct 18th 2004
1454 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 10:29 PM

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381. "this is like playing chicken with two mack trucks..."
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

if he wants a kid that bad... he should have one. as cliche as it is, this is the one life HE will have, and its not like in this life he will have the opportunity later. so its put up or shut up time.

the wife should at least offer to gracefully bow out so that he could have that (perhaps because she loves him enough for that to be realized)...but not feel like she has to compromise on what she already stated before they got married.

this where the truth comes out.

personally, i cant live a life asking someone im with and love to harbor that kind of denied energy on the account of me...and there's no reason to be upset with him for having a change of heart.

with time, everybody moves on just fine through divorces and babies.

  

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The Wordsmith
Member since Aug 13th 2002
17070 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 11:26 PM

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383. "I wouldn't leave. I believe in the "til death do us part" vow."
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

I made a vow before God and man, so I wouldn't leave. I can't take this flippant attitude of leaving because my tastes have changed and now I want kids. I knew what I was getting into when we had the talk before marriage. I can't change the rules all willy nilly because I got a change of heart. Seeing some of these answers in here lets me see why so many marriages fail. It's all about self with a lot of folks.




Since 1976

  

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auset1
Member since Aug 23rd 2002
31116 posts
Wed Oct-23-13 11:33 PM

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384. "I didnt like or want kids till I met his dad."
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

suddenly I wanted to have his baby...some people bring that out in you, I was 28 when i got prego..before him no matter how serious a relationship I was in.. I had no desire for children or marriage really.

If he didnt want kids and told me that upfront I would have rode with it..there are pros and cons to not having children.



Listen to my Lady Music
http://soundcloud.com/foxy-not-so-brown/sets/lady-music/
name that tune: http://instagram.com/p/a1HXvMP7g-/?autoplay=true

Jewelry
http://rachelstewartjewelry.com/
Photography
http://www.creativesilence.net/

  

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FILF
Member since Jun 01st 2007
20180 posts
Thu Oct-24-13 05:34 AM

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389. "no offsprings==> gene pool suicide==> should be ILLEGAL!"
In response to Reply # 0
Thu Oct-24-13 05:46 AM by FILF

  

          

With these new age loco antibiotic resistance bacterias spawning up, we humans need gene diversification more than anytime in history. So, if y'all OKfees aren't fuckin' strangers & popping them babies......my offsprings will have no choice but to hookup w/ their cousins. That means the gene pool isn't as diverse as it should be thus one strain of bacteria could wipe my babies out......WHY Y'ALL BEING HATERs & TRYING TO ERASE MY HARD EARNED LEGACY, DAMN IT!

WHAT'S GOOD *****? What's REALLY good?!?!????!!! Ha HA!
http://40.media.tumblr.com/d8e2daf9f3f37244cd05436bcdf05973/tumblr_mt4qibKq4c1rgam01o1_1280.png

  

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Heinz
Member since Dec 26th 2003
20759 posts
Thu Oct-24-13 07:51 AM

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392. "Yes but i wouldn't marry her knowing that thinking it could change"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

and i wouldn't marry her without knowing she wanted kids or not. Actually she would immediately just be a side ting the second i heard it lol

  

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flora
Member since Sep 06th 2009
17470 posts
Thu Oct-24-13 07:54 AM

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393. "just on some real shit, though"
In response to Reply # 0


          

okps will talk yo ass out of a happy marriage just to watch the downward spiral for the next 3 years of confession wednesdays

yes, on paper, with the details given it makes sense to get a divorce and move on

but before you take that "obvious" advice take a hard look at your relationship and decide whether or not it's worth keeping

your husband allows you to be a stay at home wife in NYC & supports whatever you do in the process. do you know how lucky you are? do you know thats PROBABLY not going to happen again? lol

like not to be ALL in your business but nobody ever tells you to imagine what happens when dude ISNT there when they're giving this kinda "fuck that nigga!" advice

only you can decide wtf you wanna do, but if living w/o him is an impossibility for you then you might want to at least start considering your options

  

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lovelyone80
Member since Dec 15th 2004
50065 posts
Thu Oct-24-13 08:37 AM

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400. "^^^"
In response to Reply # 393


          

this again, not to be all up in anyone's business but people need to way the pros and cons. And counseling could help them work out the issue they are having and lead to some resolution, whatever that may be.

but let's be honest, there is going to be some type of resentment and pain felt by one of the two parties no matter the compromise. I need to hear more...is that she doesn't want kid AT ALL or she doesn't want to physically have kids.

if its the later, there are work arounds.
if its she doesn't want kids at all, doesn't want to raise them, doesn't want them in the house...then whoever compromises on that issue is going to never be fully happy. I am just being honest.

This isnt' a "i dont' want to get married" and okay the compromise is just being committed forever, however...if a person really wants kids, there is no way to turn that off for them.

unfortunately no one will win in this situation if she's dead set against even having kids, adopted or otherwise, and he really wants kids. unless she allows him to have a kid with a lesbian couple.

  

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ndibs
Member since Aug 06th 2012
12715 posts
Thu Oct-24-13 09:04 AM

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409. "this does not have to be the case..."
In response to Reply # 400


          


>but let's be honest, there is going to be some type of
>resentment and pain felt by one of the two parties no matter
>the compromise.

  

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lovelyone80
Member since Dec 15th 2004
50065 posts
Thu Oct-24-13 09:22 AM

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413. "i don't see how it won't be in this case..."
In response to Reply # 409


          

like i said before this isn't a small issue like not wanting to get married, or wanting to live in a certain city. and this is really for if she doesn't want any type of children at all, if adoption/foster kids is an option then they can compromise easily.

his longing for children will never go away...no matter what they decide to do as a couple. he may accept it, but that doesn't mean he's not going to be hurt that he didn't fulfill his own desires. in my own limited experiences, men who really want children will find a way to get their children. with their wife or without.

on the flip side, if she gives in and they don't work out, it will be i did this for him and now i'm stuck OR if they do work out, its still the i can't do xyz because I did this for him. and forever, it's a I did this for YOU situation on both ends.

i want OP and her husband to win. I love them together. however, ppl need to be realistic and look at the long term.
Citizen Cope said it best "these feelings won't go away."


  

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Heinz
Member since Dec 26th 2003
20759 posts
Thu Oct-24-13 08:58 AM

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407. "but isn't the title Happy Marriage gone when an issue like children"
In response to Reply # 393


  

          

comes up where one party wants/needs children and the other doesn't?

  

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flora
Member since Sep 06th 2009
17470 posts
Thu Oct-24-13 09:09 AM

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411. "maybe it doesn't have to be, is all i'm saying"
In response to Reply # 407


          

sure that requires somebody changing their stance

but at this point it seems black or white anyway

change your mind or get a divorce

i'm just reminding folks about what happens after the divorce

when you suddenly don't have okp rooting for you, but instead you tryna find an apt, job with no money and no man all at once lookin crazy

its just a lot of shit to consider

  

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labcoat
Member since Jun 15th 2006
14585 posts
Thu Oct-24-13 09:48 AM

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414. "yup!!!!!!!!!!"
In response to Reply # 393


          

girl
ive been lurking wanting to inbox
but just been shaking my head

yet im biased because i always wanted to be a mom
so i dont understand those who dont

BUT
honestly if she REALLY dont want to be a mom
then im still concerned for her to just have one to make him happy
that could be the WORST
especially if he doesnt pull his weight on that infant stage
or get them a nanny
to be the "mommy"
its gonna be a problem

(im all over the place...good luck girl)

--------------
Daren, I'll never forget you
http://www.fayemurman.com/extras/magee/daren/

  

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queenie
Member since May 02nd 2003
4669 posts
Thu Oct-24-13 11:53 AM

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418. "right! @"
In response to Reply # 393


  

          

>okps will talk yo ass out of a happy marriage just to watch
>the downward spiral for the next 3 years of confession
>wednesdays
>
>yes, on paper, with the details given it makes sense to get a
>divorce and move on
>
>but before you take that "obvious" advice take a hard look at
>your relationship and decide whether or not it's worth
>keeping


hell naw shawty

  

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bloocollar
Member since Aug 14th 2008
18163 posts
Thu Oct-24-13 12:30 PM

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421. "wait.......WHAT?!"
In response to Reply # 393


          

>your husband allows you to be a stay at home wife in NYC &
>supports whatever you do in the process. do you know how lucky
>you are? do you know thats PROBABLY not going to happen again?


............................awwwww

my fingertips are burning to type right now......

but I'ma chill....

*shaking*

....chill bloocollar, chill....

  

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sixteenstone
Member since Sep 22nd 2002
27996 posts
Thu Oct-24-13 12:39 PM

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423. "let me set the record straight about this shit"
In response to Reply # 421


  

          

since everyone seems to think they know my life so damn well.

I work damn near every day. I do the same things I did before I met my husband.
I am a freelancer who takes on jobs I enjoy. This has not changed since I met him.
As a man, he takes on the role of the provider of our household because he wants to.
I'm not sitting back not contributing. I pay bills in this household just like anyone would, but he pays the bulk of it.
If we break up tomorrow, I'm a grown ass woman capable of providing for myself just fine. Nothing about my work life will change.
Him being my husband or not is not the end all, be all of my life as I know it.

Remember Novemthree's Courage...
visit on the web:www.16stonevintage.com
like on facebook: https://www.facebook.com/16stonevintage
follow on instagram: http://instagram.com/sixteenstone http://instagram.com/vintageblkmags/

  

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GirlChild
Charter member
56000 posts
Thu Oct-24-13 12:55 PM

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429. "word."
In response to Reply # 423


  

          

  

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morpheme
Charter member
94867 posts
Thu Oct-24-13 02:17 PM

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444. "mrs. baby girl..."
In response to Reply # 423


  

          

don't explain another motherfucking thing.

this post *became* about you
but this here?
ain't you, and it ain't about yours
and yours is you and your husband's

NO ONE HERE
can tell you anything you don't already know to be true
if you are posting from your heart
obey that.

  

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SoWhat
Charter member
154163 posts
Thu Oct-24-13 12:46 PM

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425. "yeah, she clearly 'owes' that man a child!"
In response to Reply # 421


  

          

she should allow him to rent space in her uterus for his offspring for 9 months b/c he pays bills around the house!

she should then dedicate the rest of her life to caring for his offspring b/c he buys the groceries!

totes, player.

after all, this may be the 21st century where such notions are antiquated, but that's the reason the whole world is falling apart. b/c women don't know their place. especially when they have a man providing for their comforts.

hammmburger!

fuck you.

  

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sixteenstone
Member since Sep 22nd 2002
27996 posts
Thu Oct-24-13 12:48 PM

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427. "I buy the damn groceries with MY money, lol"
In response to Reply # 425


  

          

Remember Novemthree's Courage...
visit on the web:www.16stonevintage.com
like on facebook: https://www.facebook.com/16stonevintage
follow on instagram: http://instagram.com/sixteenstone http://instagram.com/vintageblkmags/

  

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SoWhat
Charter member
154163 posts
Thu Oct-24-13 12:50 PM

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428. "oh, i'm sure you do."
In response to Reply # 427


  

          

fuck you.

  

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lightworks
Member since Feb 17th 2006
5818 posts
Thu Oct-24-13 12:31 PM

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422. "I totally agree with flora."
In response to Reply # 393


          

  

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sixteenstone
Member since Sep 22nd 2002
27996 posts
Thu Oct-24-13 12:47 PM

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426. "I don't know where you are getting this stay at home wife thing"
In response to Reply # 393


  

          

My husband said that's what he would like me to be, and I turned that down.
I am anything but at home all the time. He hates that I work so much.
As I said below, I would be fine tomorrow with or without his "provisions."
And anyway, that's not a reason to stay with someone. That's a horrible reason to be with anyone, and you know that.

Remember Novemthree's Courage...
visit on the web:www.16stonevintage.com
like on facebook: https://www.facebook.com/16stonevintage
follow on instagram: http://instagram.com/sixteenstone http://instagram.com/vintageblkmags/

  

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labcoat
Member since Jun 15th 2006
14585 posts
Thu Oct-24-13 03:00 PM

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449. "now let's be honest..."
In response to Reply # 426


          

you did make a post and have made a couple of posts
in the past about you being a housewife
or saying that you were trying it out

so that is where we are getting it from


now things may have changed since those posts
but you DID say that

in regards to this post
i want yall (you and your husband) to win!

--------------
Daren, I'll never forget you
http://www.fayemurman.com/extras/magee/daren/

  

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CyrenYoung
Charter member
34204 posts
Thu Oct-24-13 03:12 PM

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450. "context is crucial..."
In response to Reply # 449
Thu Oct-24-13 03:33 PM by CyrenYoung

  

          

..she just explained that some people took her initial words out of context, then and now.

its pretty simple:

hubby made the offer, she might've entertained the thought of it (even talked about it openly), but that doesn't mean she actually accepted it.

its no secret that she hustle's 24/7 (even farming out work to others, including several okp's). most might not consider that traditional, but its far from being a housewife.

the assumptions made regarding her home life are truly unfounded.


*skatin' the rings of saturn*

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=B7E8dge7H8Y


..and miles to go before i sleep...

  

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october_country
Member since Sep 23rd 2013
43 posts
Thu Oct-24-13 02:33 PM

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447. "yall just can't stfu can ya"
In response to Reply # 393


          

all types of ignance
i love it
please continue

  

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isaaaa
Member since May 10th 2007
30565 posts
Thu Oct-24-13 06:08 PM

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458. "She ain't going nowhere. Hell the fact that she GOT MARRIED"
In response to Reply # 393


          

Shows that she is willing to conform.

I remember her plainly stating that she NEVER wanted to get married. And she ain't the type of mog who just types shit ti type it, so once she got hitched I was like dang..people do change.


Mind you this is a positive change, but a change none the less.

And to think, this all kicked off by him hooking her up with insurance lol.

p.s.

I wish them and their 2 children well, real spit.



New Mantra: anti-gentrification, cheap alcohol & trying to look pretty in our twilight posting years (c) Big Reg


Get 25% off www.karmaloop.com w/ rep code JR9103 |
Nike, G-Star, Herschel, Adidas (Men's & Women's clothing)

  

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FLUIDJ
Member since Sep 18th 2002
44615 posts
Thu Oct-24-13 08:04 AM

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394. "Good lovin will make a man agree to damn near anything."
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

  

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wluv
Member since Jan 27th 2003
4362 posts
Thu Oct-24-13 08:05 AM

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395. "im not leaving"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

Only person i could be mad at is myself for not abiding by my fiance/gf's decision and agreeing to marry that.

For me its more of a respect issue than a selfish one.



  

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legsdiamond
Member since May 05th 2011
79585 posts
Thu Oct-24-13 08:17 AM

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396. "My uncle was in this boat... he wanted kids and his wife didn't."
In response to Reply # 0


          

They adopted... but it didn't complete him.

Finally she agreed to have a kid but made sure he understood he would be the primary care giver for the child. My uncle dressed her, did her hair, changed the diapers... all that shit. It helped that he adopted a girl first but it was odd watching my aunt play the background but since he was the one who wanted the kid he would be the one doing most of the work.

so.. it can work but if the OP really doesn't want kids she can hold her head high if the marriage doesn't work out. She didn't change... he did and it happens a lot in marriages and it doesn't always involve children.

  

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FLUIDJ
Member since Sep 18th 2002
44615 posts
Thu Oct-24-13 08:20 AM

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397. "I imagine that really sucks for the kid though..."
In response to Reply # 396


  

          

damn..

just the thought of dressing and attending to my little girl while my wife just stood by coldly looking on just makes me tear up for real!



  

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flora
Member since Sep 06th 2009
17470 posts
Thu Oct-24-13 08:24 AM

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398. "lol men do that everyday "
In response to Reply # 397


          

  

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GirlChild
Charter member
56000 posts
Thu Oct-24-13 12:56 PM

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431. "thank you!"
In response to Reply # 398


  

          

  

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legsdiamond
Member since May 05th 2011
79585 posts
Thu Oct-24-13 08:42 AM

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402. "lol... nah, she wasn't standing in the corner with the ice grill"
In response to Reply # 397


          

like her kid was an alien.

They just reversed the roles... it wasn't like she had no part of raising the child.

the kid didn't call her mom by her first name... lol.

  

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FLUIDJ
Member since Sep 18th 2002
44615 posts
Thu Oct-24-13 09:05 AM

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410. "ahh ok GOOD...I was like Daaaamnnn...I was really feeling for shorty"
In response to Reply # 402


  

          

lol...
so she does show love and affection towards the kid right?



Do you even shave Bro?? if so; check this out:
https://www.dollarshaveclub.com/ref/n3n4/FA6E1ACECC9520/s/tx/cx/1

http://obamalookingcool.com

  

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labcoat
Member since Jun 15th 2006
14585 posts
Thu Oct-24-13 09:50 AM

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415. "yeah that completely FUCKED UP! wow"
In response to Reply # 397


          

>damn..
>
>just the thought of dressing and attending to my little girl
>while my wife just stood by coldly looking on just makes me
>tear up for real!
>
>
>
>

--------------
Daren, I'll never forget you
http://www.fayemurman.com/extras/magee/daren/

  

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Heinz
Member since Dec 26th 2003
20759 posts
Thu Oct-24-13 09:00 AM

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408. "that sounds annoying. if my SO told me that id be like "its not a pet!" ..."
In response to Reply # 396


  

          

bout most of the work. i wouldn't have children with someone who looked at it as a chore, a burden or a pet. No disrespect to your fam but that shit is odd to me.

  

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Buddy_Gilapagos
Charter member
49401 posts
Thu Oct-24-13 08:49 AM

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405. "My dad didn't want to have me or my brother. "
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

He was previously married and already had a child and (oddly IMHOP) he didn't want anymore kids. My mom said "cool" then promptly got pregnant with my brother. Of course, my dad promptly fell in love with my brother but then he said "no more!" My mom said "cool" and then a couple of years later had me. My pops has been an amazing father some would say even to wrapped up in the lives of his kids.


I don't tell this story to sway anyone but figured it was a good place to park this story.

**********
"Everyone has a plan until you punch them in the face. Then they don't have a plan anymore." (c) Mike Tyson

  

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NikaMandela
Charter member
35230 posts
Thu Oct-24-13 09:19 AM

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412. "you guys got lucky"
In response to Reply # 405


          

thats a huge crap shoot for a woman to take.

my dad pressured my mom for me and my brothers but he was on some "because thats what married ppl do" bs. looking back, my mom said she knew he didnt really want or like kids.

my dad was an ok dad at times, but we did have very long periods of abandonment and unreliability.

had they stayed married, i still think he would have been a mediocre dad to be honest.

i know of another older couple where the women wanted kids, hubby didnt, and she had them anyway. he is pretty much indifferent to his sons. but they are still married and supposedly happily married. their kids are early 20s.

all that to say i do think a strong marriage can survive these things.

  

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teefiveten
Member since Oct 02nd 2008
33019 posts
Thu Oct-24-13 11:09 AM

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417. "right? this isnt like trying brussel sprouts"
In response to Reply # 412


  

          

this is a LIFE

she might love motherhood
she might hate it

she'd rather not take that risk to please someone else knowing that not wanting kids has been her stance all along

and people get absolutely incredulous seeing people they feel"shouldnt" have kids, have kids but think she should give it a whirl. this is insane

*************************************
like.me
http://tinyurl.com/3z8486u

"if the children are not initiated into the village they will burn it down just to feel its warmth." - african proverb

  

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SoWhat
Charter member
154163 posts
Thu Oct-24-13 12:10 PM

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419. "it sickens me to read/hear ppl claim they just don't understand"
In response to Reply # 417


  

          

why EVERYONE doesn't want to have kids.

it's offensive.

not everyone should be a parent. it's fine. there is nothing wrong w/not wanting kids - for whatever reason. it's not like we have a population shortage going on. sheesh.

i get that some parents really love their kids and can't imagine life w/o them and that's wonderful. that doesn't mean everyone should want that life. there is nothing wrong w/not wanting that life.

nothing.

fuck you.

  

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bloocollar
Member since Aug 14th 2008
18163 posts
Thu Oct-24-13 12:56 PM

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430. "i never said that--"
In response to Reply # 419


          

everyone should want children

there should be a reason for it when you're in a relationship

because your making a decision for that person as well

basically if a person is adamant abt not having kids ever, the question early on to the person theyre dating should be: "how do you feel about having kids"

anything less than a "no uh-uh never" and that person probably isnt for them

  

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SoWhat
Charter member
154163 posts
Thu Oct-24-13 01:02 PM

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433. "good for you."
In response to Reply # 430


  

          


fuck you.

  

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GirlChild
Charter member
56000 posts
Thu Oct-24-13 12:58 PM

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432. "its fucking annoying"
In response to Reply # 419


  

          

and its like we are just a fucking incubator

  

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SoWhat
Charter member
154163 posts
Thu Oct-24-13 01:03 PM

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434. "agreed."
In response to Reply # 432


  

          

fuck you.

  

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bloocollar
Member since Aug 14th 2008
18163 posts
Thu Oct-24-13 01:09 PM

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435. "nigga dont you have a kid?--"
In response to Reply # 432


          

you should be on my side!

  

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GirlChild
Charter member
56000 posts
Thu Oct-24-13 01:48 PM

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439. "Yes I have a child"
In response to Reply # 435


  

          

But it doesn't make me a moron. Kids aren't for everyone and that's ok. A lot of men on here are yapping like having a baby is as easy as 1,2,3.

  

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8-bit
Member since Jan 12th 2010
10841 posts
Thu Oct-24-13 04:34 PM

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453. "This is like that one Simpsons show that showed Homer losing his hair"
In response to Reply # 405


  

          

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M9OOwAoLjg0

lol

---
http://twitter.com/logicalhood
http://instagram.com/hoodlogic

  

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BabyYoda
Member since Feb 15th 2012
3176 posts
Thu Oct-24-13 11:07 AM

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416. "Leaving is a possibility"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

Personally, I would not marry someone who didn't want kids unless I felt the same. If my spouse changed her mind about having kids once married, then I would end the marriage if I felt that no reasonable compromise could be made which includes adoption. But, depending on other circumstances, I may decide not to leave based on said spouse's option not to have kids. Maybe having childresn or not isn't the core issue. Maybe there is some other shit going on which may determine the fate of the marriage????

  

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ConcreteCharlie
Member since Nov 21st 2002
71387 posts
Thu Oct-24-13 01:11 PM

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436. "Did we really get this far without a reference to "The Seed 2.0?""
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

Or did I miss it.

Very odd hypothetical question. The way you frame it, there is almost no way to say no, right? I mean, going in you knew it wasn't on the table but now you have this intense, life-altering desire to have a kid or die trying. How could you not leave? But that seems implausible, if having a kid meant that much to you, how could you possibly marry someone who absolutely couldn't/wouldn't create one with you? How could you not realize it meant that much to you? I just can't see it.

And you will know MY JACKET IS GOLD when I lay my vengeance upon thee.

  

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illegal
Charter member
78381 posts
Thu Oct-24-13 01:47 PM

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438. "no, we didn't."
In response to Reply # 436


          

almost 200 replies ago

***
when I come around, they frown
then wanna dap me down
but when I leave?

  

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ConcreteCharlie
Member since Nov 21st 2002
71387 posts
Thu Oct-24-13 06:33 PM

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460. "i needed the cliffs notes"
In response to Reply # 438


  

          

And you will know MY JACKET IS GOLD when I lay my vengeance upon thee.

  

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Torez the Judge
Member since Mar 13th 2007
3957 posts
Thu Oct-24-13 02:11 PM

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442. "There is no un-selfish reason to have a kid."
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

Men who want kids for 'a legacy' or 'something to be remembered by' are using selfish means, too. They basically want some aspect of themselves to LIVE ON, because the idea of their lives having no meaning or impact makes them feel worthless.

Children allow men to indirectly feel immortal and cheat death.

Even a sense of 'fulfillment' from the honorable practice of child-rearing is selfish, since it provides YOU something.

It's wild to watch people try to disguise pure judgement into 'concern.'

The past is my foundation, not my preoccupation.

http://www.typeillypress.com
http://www.twitter.com/mtorez

  

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BigReg
Charter member
62390 posts
Thu Oct-24-13 02:12 PM

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443. "Wow. This is the most hit doggingness post EVER on OKP"
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

Hell, looks like the only one without any issues in here is the OP!

KUDOS, MY FRIENDS.

  

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Binlahab
Charter member
182954 posts
Thu Oct-24-13 02:21 PM

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445. "i just wanna reitierate that yall literally ARE made to have kids."
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

this doesnt mean your somehow NOT a woman if you dont

or you arent fulfilling your destiny as a woman if you dont for whatever reason

but uh...yeah. women ARE literally. made to spit kids out. we cant do that shit. that IS expressly for...yall. so. yeah.

have em. dont have em. your call. nobody is telling yall what to do w/ your bodies.

but if you dont have em, human race'll die out.

doesnt matter much, we're due for a robot takeover any year now anyway


does it even matter?

  

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GirlChild
Charter member
56000 posts
Thu Oct-24-13 02:29 PM

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446. "so are men, wtf?"
In response to Reply # 445


  

          

why do you think you have balls? to scratch?

  

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BigReg
Charter member
62390 posts
Thu Oct-24-13 02:33 PM

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448. "God gave us penises to skulll fuck tigers after we kill em"
In response to Reply # 446


  

          

and to play games of toast and other manly non-childbirth relating things.

  

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GirlChild
Charter member
56000 posts
Thu Oct-24-13 03:33 PM

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451. "LOL"
In response to Reply # 448


  

          

  

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SoWhat
Charter member
154163 posts
Thu Oct-24-13 03:39 PM

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452. "stfu sometimes."
In response to Reply # 445


  

          

fuck you.

  

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morpheme
Charter member
94867 posts
Thu Oct-24-13 04:44 PM

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454. "hope infertility is never an issue you face..."
In response to Reply # 445


  

          

and each pregnancy you covet makes it to term.

  

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Radio Rahim
Member since Jul 21st 2008
20320 posts
Thu Oct-24-13 04:58 PM

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455. "I'm gooone. B/c i want kids and I'm only marrying a woman who does too. "
In response to Reply # 0


  

          

__________________________
Duke, Knicks, Yankess, Giants, UGA, Rangers

Binlahab droppin science on the youth

"youre frustrated now? in undergrad? reading books all day?,
surrounded by more nubile unattached pussy than you will be in your life?"

  

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